Food for Thought, Being in France

Photo by Brassaï, Paris, 1930s

Dream Journal Entry: February 28, 2022

I dreamed a lot about traveling and going different places. I think some of the time I am with my mother and at other time I was with Inara. During our travels, I ended up at some business, a bank maybe, and somehow I go in the middle of a heist. I tried to figure out how to get away from the situation. The details of this part are foggy and hard to remember.

There was a phone I had left somewhere and, when I returned, it was damaged. The earbuds weren't salvageable, but I hoped the phone was operable enough that I could at least transfer my contacts to a new phone. When I picked it up, the back with the battery was detached so I took both parts with me.

I then remember being given a new phone by Amrik. He has the same one but had already started using his. It looked very different to my old phone. It was much bigger and sort of resembled a larger calculator mixed with a tablet. I knew I was going to have to figure out how to use it, but thought if I could simply use it enough to make calls, that would be okay. 

I dreamed about being in France. I remember that I was concerned because I didn't speak the language there. I am apologizing as I am walking because I appear to be walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk. It was then that I noticed that people were speaking English here, so I didn't think it would be a problem as I didn't plan to be in France long. We were taken to some guy's house who has offered to let us stay and show us around a bit. 

I am being offered food, but I am given an entire skinned human head. I thought that for the French, brain probably wasn't all that unusual but I had never eaten brain before, so I was a little unsure. I had to do some prepping because it was given to me raw and uncooked. I worked at peeling away the flesh of the head to access the brain. Once I got to it, I think there was a distraction of some kind.

I ended up going outside and into the road where I remember petting the guy's dog as it crossed the street in front of me and a stopped car. I remember being concerned about having touched the dog with raw meat still on my hands but decided he would be okay. I went back into the house where I continued to prep the brains that was supposed to be my dinner and I hesitated, wondering if maybe I shouldn't be eating human brains and the implications it might have if I did. This part makes me think of the term "food for thought".

I see someone I identify as Orrin, someone I had a crush on a long time ago who was from New York. I find it curious that he is here in France as well and now he is seeing me look at him. I then realize I need to pee and I went to find the bathroom. The bathrooms here in France are very different to what I am used to and I am trying to figure out where to go and how. It was very confusing to me. I notice that there is a window between the bathroom and the living room and I see Orrin looking in watching me. I try to change position so I wasn't as exposed so I could find a way to relieve myself without being seen. The toilet was strange and there was a flow of water in a place that made no sense to me. I guessed it was some sort of bidet type thing. I finally relieved myself, but I wasn't sure I got it right.

Now I am seeing something about the guy who lives here and I think he is getting in trouble for something. Apparently he is an avid hunter. That is why everything he provided for food was raw meat related. He is now getting in trouble with the law for having hunted some sort of large bird. I am seeing dead carcasses of various animals hung upside down to drain the blood as hunters often do. I'm seeing small birds, a lizard of some sort and a quite large bird. I was guessing that maybe the large bird was an endangered species which is why he was getting in trouble now. I can't remember anything else.

Congregations and Spaceships

Collage art by Caitlyn Grabenstein

Dream Journal Entry: October 2014

These fragments are not likely to be in order and I am not sure the order matters anyway. 

There was something about people being annoyed because I was “censoring" what they had to say/teach the people of my “congregation". Basically I wanted to hear what they had to say before I would let them talk to my people. I explained that all churches have what they allow and what they don't allow. I said that I REALLY didn't want people talking about things that would instill fear. I didn't want fear being introduced as it wasn't helpful.

There was something about being on a spaceship. I saw people going though a doorway and they changed size. It looked like glass but they would walk through without effort and come out the other side big or small depending on which direction they went.

Collage art by Caitlyn Grabenstein

At one point there was this girl and this guy that were going to go to the surface of this planet and the planet had untouched forests. The guy had been prepping to talk to the people, I think and the girl had shown interest in him. I heard something like “tree heaven" and got the impression we considered it a type of heaven because of all the trees and it being basically untouched and untainted. The girl grabs a picnic blanket because she has some ideas of what she wants to do with the guy when they reach the surface. I seem to recall them walking along a creek and trees being everywhere. She looked for a place to lay her blanket and then they stopped. She was talking about not reproducing. It wasn't that she and the guy were incapable, it was that they weren't allowed to because of their genetics and having issues with their genes. I remember thinking that was stupid and they should just do it anyway. Screw what someone said they were "allowed" to do. I don't know who I was. I felt like an observer but not a person, if that makes sense. Like maybe I was in spirit.

Collage art by Caitlyn Grabenstein

Back when the guy was practicing or prepping to talk to the people, I recall having seen a cylindrical thing that had glass compartments and all the compartments had different aspects of the same person. They were all the same guy and I had the impression that it was an experiment being conducted. They could look in and see how he was faring and watch him closely in all of his aspects to see what happened.

I remember a weird part where I was coming down some stairs and this person comes near me and I identify him as an old classmate named Jim Gash and I tell him that I don't mean to hurt his feelings, but when he comes near me, I get an upset stomach. I think he had a bandage on his nose. I don't remember him ever saying anything.

There was a part about water....being in water but I can't remember much about it.

There was a part about my friend, Cary, and I was following her somewhere. In my dream she was pregnant and I followed her there. I think we walked through areas that were considered dangerous but we were fine and I knew we would be okay. When I got to this house, it turned out she had other children and this was where her ex lived with them. They were all kinds of gross. The dad slept on the couch naked. He was big and hairy. Cary was really round in my dream and you couldn't really tell she was pregnant. They wanted to feed me but I didn't want to eat anything they gave me because I was concerned it would make me sick because they were so dirty. I think I eventually made some excuse and left.

I am sure there were other bits, but off the top of my head, I can't remember. Maybe something will trigger some of the memories.

Photo by Milton H. Greene

I just remembered a part of the dream. I was with a group of people and we were waiting for a table for dinner at a Chinese restaurant. I think there were 5 people in our party and remember thinking we needed a table for 5. I also remember it seemed like it was a special occasion, but I couldn't tell you what was special. I also noticed that others, like me, had chosen to wear the color red. A lot of those standing with me were wearing black with red accents. I could see my reflection in the glass and I was wearing a red dress and a white coat and someone commented on how I was wearing a lot of red.

Hail, Satan!

Dream Journal Entry: February 27, 2022

I only have a tiny bit of dream I remember. There was something about two different places that were cleared out. I was seeing it as soil being tilled and turned. Sometimes it feels like two different businesses that were nearby but sometimes it feels like it is about community. I remember dancing in the open space and thinking how nice it would be to combine the two spaces because they were so near by. 

There was something about sensors that had been part of the old set up that were still being activated even though the place had been mostly cleared out. When sensors were activated, a camera turned on to show who was in the space.

The dream jumps and then I come to a place that was close by. There is a guy conducting interviews. He is hiring for this new place that is opening up, but he is having trouble finding people to work there because the business owner had "Satan" in the title of the business name. People were superstitious and scared because of the name, but I was enthusiastic and let the guy know I was there to apply for a job there.

Fear

Art by HaDong Song

November 23, 2019

"He's scared because of what happened last time he spoke his truth."

"The trauma he suffered in that life fractured his consciousness, but it is coming back together in this one and is being healed."

March 25, 2021

I remember vague bits about being told, "People are afraid of you because of your abilities." I saw how lots of spirits are around me all the time because I like having them around and this pleases them. I'm not scared like most people.

Fallen

'Storm Dragon' by Eli Libson

December 11, 2020

"You are part of the same family as them." Heard this as I woke this morning.

As I laid there trying to process it, I said to them, "How is it even possible that I am part of the same family?! They are nothing like me."

They also said to me, "People don't die from the fall. They die trying to find their way back up."

November 27, 2019 

This morning I saw two books out and open and I took the two books and mashed them together to make a single one. Parallel worlds, parallel stories... coming together as one. When I asked about Mary Magdalene, all I saw was Krampus.

Wasted Offerings

Photo by Enzo Sellerio

Your offerings have been wasted, old woman

Opened veins

Sent out

Given away

Bloody Mary he never accepted

Just face it

You're alone

Always have been

Always will be

Your journey led nowhere, old woman

Pointless faith

Time to let go

Time to die

Oktobre Taylor

Asking For Help

Photo by Fan Ho

I don't know what is going on with you, but they told me this morning that you don't know how to ask for help. I'm not even sure who the "you" is in this equation, but if the "you" who they are talking about is reading this, you don't have to ask for help specifically. Maybe you can just reach out and say, "Hey, let's have a chat!" 

And guess what? 

I'm a pretty good listener, a very good conversationalist, so if you don't feel like talking about what is troubling you, maybe we can just laugh together to ease some of your pressure and worries, even if it is just a little while.

I'm not letting go of this connection, though it has mostly been an energetic one. I haven't given up on you.

Hearing Things

Photo by Peter Marlow

August 10, 2017

Earlier this week I heard in a half awake state "Maybe you should give the jock another chance"

October 22, 2018 

I heard myself saying, "I haven't taken advantage of any of the bodies I have been in."

May 2, 2019

"He'll have to give up his five lives if he wants to leave here with you." Heard this as I was waking.

July 9, 2019

Oh yeah, I also remember seeing a date... January 22, 2022

January 2, 2020

I remember seeing the date May 15, 2015 as being when he found me.

October 2, 2020

"I guess he wasn't able to open Matt's heart."

"October 11th*

"I have suffered enough."

Heard just now in the in-between.

Dream Journal Entry: January 14, 2015

There were 3 bass guitars standing upright. All were missing their two middle strings and then there were all these clocks hanging beside them. It felt like I was in class and the teacher was challenging us to get the meaning.

There might have been other instruments but the bass guitars are all I remember.

Upon waking, I decided I thought this part of the dream was pointing to a date. Each guitar had two strings left...2, 2, 2. Each guitar was missing two strings...2, 2, 2. 2/22/22.

Notes:

What is significant about Mark Lanegan's death is that, early on in my journey, someone was guided to me who also felt like River was her guide. Her name was Jennifer, which is significant due to the Jennifer Syme connection. Add to this that she felt Mark was her person, her twin flame she had been guided to. I never knew who Mark Lanegan was prior to my short-lived interactions with her. So when I saw that he died on a date that dreams had pointed to, I thought it was curious, to say the least.

Twin Soul Merge

Photo by Shirley Baker

August 30, 2013

I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep, at first. At some point, there was realization that , yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. I felt something, an energy, in my head at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what I saw. There was some poster in front of me and, as I stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else, but I couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me i was seeing into another dimension. At one point, I heard a man singing something about "Your twin soul is here" and I thought, "Wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song I have never heard before."

#walkins

Forgotten Wisdom

Photo by Dieter Krehbiel

July 5, 2017 I was just having a conversation with my daughter and mom last night about a similar topic. We watched Book of Life and Inara was asking if they killed the bulls in bullfighting and I said, "Yes." 

She was upset by this and didn't understand. I said, "Well, think about all the movies that depict someone getting killed." 

She said, "But the movies aren't real and no one really gets hurt." 

Photo by Eduardo Teixeira Pinto

I said, "Yes, this is true, but it seems that humans have not yet evolved past the point of loving violence as entertainment."

I explained how, before we had movies, the violence played out in an arena when two people would fight 'til the death. Humans love violence. They love pain, blood, gore and misery. 

Until we can turn away and say, "I don't enjoy this and I don't want to see this", we will never evolve into a higher species. Until we no longer are entertained by suffering, there will always be suffering in the world.

Twos day

Dream Journal Entry: January 14, 2015

There were 3 bass guitars standing upright. All were missing their two middle strings and then there were all these clocks hanging beside them. It felt like I was in class and the teacher was challenging us to get the meaning.

There might have been other instruments but the bass guitars are all I remember.

Upon waking, I decided I thought this part of the dream was pointing to a date. Each guitar had two strings left...2, 2, 2. Each guitar was missing two strings...2, 2, 2. 2/22/22, which is today, but I'm not sure why it is pointing to today.

Another part of my dream I had gotten some gold glitter on my chest just below my right breast. and someone says, "omg how do you feel? Are you okay. You should have avoided getting the glitter on you because that is what the mixture is in." Basically the glitter contained some drug and if you got it on your skin, it absorbed. When they mentioned it, I did notice I was feeling a little "drunk" light in the head, but it wasn't bad. they said I was just lucky that it wasn't more than that. Apparently, this old woman who lived there cooked whatever it was for consumption and the glitter was everywhere in spots and sometimes hard to avoid.

There was this other part, too, before the gold glitter where I was using the old woman's computer for some reason. I can't remember why. I was typing something out and something came up about a reward and the screen went blank before I could finish typing.

I kept trying to find my file and nothing. There was something weird about chocolate and I was taking chocolate off these bits and seeing what was inside. One was shaped as a piece of paper and I wondered if it was my missing document. I peeled away the chocolate, but it wasn't my document.

The old lady says, later, that she is sorry about my missing reward and that someone had taken it, but she hadn't discovered who, yet. I told her not to worry because it was only going to get me a dollar off anyway. I remember then being offered tea, but I was looking for a cup and couldn't find one. I went into a little kitchen and inquired about a cup for the tea. There were other people there. The kitchen was cute but really old fashioned...like from the late 1800s. I commented on how cute I thought it was.

Do you ever continue to dream as you are waking...keep seeing images, but know you are awake?

That happened and I almost lost it, but it was something about one woman pulling another woman out of frozen water.

Photo by Herbert List

Dream Journal Entry: January 5, 2015

In my dream there was this guy who was into a girl I was with, but she didn't really care about him and kind of went off and did her own thing. He was sad and before he left, he gave me a two dollar bill, only it was big and folded up fan-like. It looked more like a British pound note. 

Then, later, I saw myself in front of a mirror and I was putting all these jeweled hair clips in my hair. Some guy there was teasing me but I didn't care. I liked them. I seem to recall a maroon colored velvet band I could have used in my hair, but wore around my neck, instead. 

Then I was sitting with one of the guys who were there and he is talking to some dude and pretending that I am his wife. Something was mentioned about my Gaiam tattoo on my right chest somehow inspired one of his tattoos. I think what the guy was selling was important, but I can't remember that detail now. What I do remember was thinking, "well if I am going to pretend to be his wife, I guess I should make it believable." I leaned over and kissed him and we just kind of forgot the dude he had been talking to. 

At some point of randomness, he is pouring oil over me starting at my head and when I touch my face, I feel bits of salt...like it was meant to help cleanse the skin. And then, after the oil, he poured water over me to wash the bits of salt away. He used a ladle for both the oil and water. I was naked. I woke up there.

The oil part didn't feel sexual at all.

And there was just a kiss...no sex. The kiss felt real.

It was old feeling...the process of oil being poured on me....and then the water.

I am sure there is some symbolic meaning to much of it.

I will have to look. I did a quick search but the feeling of salt mixed in felt important. Salt is often thought as very cleansing and mixed with oil could be seen as an exfoliant.

Photo by Enzo Sellerio

Dream Journal Entry: November 14, 2020

I was dreaming I was overseas and now I am traveling back to the US. There were parts of this I lost already. I can't remember the details.

There was a part of dream where I was in a movie theater with Inara. I see money laying around and I pick it up and put it in my pocket. I then noticed that Inara was actually laying money out. It was supposed to be for the cleaning team, but they showed up late to clean, so I pocketed the money for myself. At one point, Inara laid down a two dollar bill and I took that, too. I saw there was a stack of money on a table and it was meant for the cleaners as a tip. It was intended for them to find. But since the cleaner showed up late, he never got a chance to see what was left for him. 

There was something about me going to check something repeatedly to see if something had shown up and someone was watching me do it and now was questioning me about it because they were curious.

Later, I am in a house. Beth has come to visit me with her husband. I'm having trouble remembering who her husband is in the dream. Is it Kurt or is it Mark? I think I guessed Mark. Beth was needing to get dressed. I offered her my bedroom, but she chose to go into the bathroom which had no windows. 

I was in the bedroom and remember there being a large picture window. There was a place where a cactus growing from the floor. I remember thinking I hadn't planted it there, that the people who were there before me had obviously planted it and it was growing. Thankfully, there were stones placed so that you could walk past it without getting hurt.

I went outside into a fenced in area. There was a large fluffy cat across the street at the neighbors watching me. The cat was one of those that sort of resembled an owl. I found this fishing pole in my back yard. It had a large fishing lure that was a larger than normal fish. The cat latched onto the fish and wasn't letting go. I had the pole and was trying to pull it away from the cat. The cat was strong, though, and wasn't letting go. 

At one point it changed position and was still trying to pull the fish and pole with it. A boy noticed the cat and starts helping the cat but I am not letting go of the pole. I have a sense that the pole isn't even mine. I just found it there, but for some reason, I'm not letting it go. 

Now the father sees the boy struggling to keep hold and he gets concerned and comes to help. He has moved to a higher position now up by some power lines. He loses his balance and falls into the power lines and is being electrocuted. As I am looking, the father morphs into some sort of law enforcement and is being seriously wounded. 

I finally let go of the pole, put an incense that was burning out, and started to go inside. As I was going inside, I considered I was probably going to go to jail for what had just happened and what I did.

Changing the Channel

 

Collage art by Joe Webb

Taking my own advice...

Human Touch and Hag Partners

Art by Le Nevralgie Costanti (Mirko Rossi) 

Dream Journal Entry: October 8, 2016 

I dreamed last night about grocery stores. I can't remember what it was chain it was supposed to be but when I went in, they had changed and didn't carry as many products as they used to. It was mostly fresh produce more like a farmer's market. They didn't have what I was looking for which I think might have been regular black olives in a can. But what they did have was lots of varieties of stuffed grape leaves. Also I remember eating a fresh artichoke and going straight for the heart and eating it from the inside out. 

There was something about someone wanting numbers from my receipt. Apparently they wanted the bottom numbers which were a code to get into the bathroom. I tore off the numbers and gave them to the woman. I remember mentioning the changes at the grocery stores and how both locations had changed. 

I left and it feels like I am on a bus and I am sitting next to some man. I don't know him but as I sit there, I let my hand touch his and then eventually take his hand in mine. I just enjoyed the moment of touching someone....even someone i didn't know. We said nothing to each other as we sat there. We didn't even let our eyes meet. My hand massaged his and I eventually massaged his leg as well. I remember thinking how much I needed it...just to feel the touch of someone. 

We ended up getting off the bus with each other. I think he made mention that he had a wife at that point and I assured him I wanted nothing more than what we had just experienced and started talking about relationships and how they were such hard work and that you are lucky if you have a loving and lasting relationship. I got the impression he didn't entirely love his current relationship and I think I made it clear I wasn't happy in mine. 

Art by Le Nevralgie Costanti (Mirko Rossi)

There was something about him wanting to see something and, as it turned out, his wife turned up. She looked like a hag and, at first, I wondered if she was him with a different face, but he turned up near her. She was angry and yelling at me. I assured her nothing had happened between me and her husband and that she had nothing to be concerned about. There was some bit after about a maze and they went in. I didn't want to even though it was free. There was something about Shannon and an addiction group and as I walked through i mentioned my addiction was coffee and they all laughed.

Not Much to Say

"A Gift From the Ancient - Meadow Plum" by Miho Hirano

Ahhh but the nicer one, the poetic one, the "she" part of "we" isn't driving the vehicle. The speech pattern changes according to whomever is in the driver's seat. That part of us appears to be moving into the basement part of us. I guess that is why we don't have as much to say here.

He Really Loves Me

 

Photo by Robert Doisneau, Paris, 1955

Dream Journal Entry: December 25, 2018

I dreamed of being around a campfire outside a house. Darron is sitting with me as well as some other people. A male joins us who I identify as another classmate named Darren I haven't seen for a very long time. He currently has reddish hair, but I remember his hair used to be dark brown in school. I make small talk with him and ask how he has been. Apparently, he has to move his car and, for some reason, I go with him. I see Meghan is building a house across the road but the driveway is too high and it will have to be fixed. Darren is going in reverse looking for a place to park where it won't be in the way. He passes several vehicles that are parked on the right and I suggest he can park behind them, but he keeps going. 

We are getting further and further away from where we were and I am feeling concerned. Now there are suddenly people in the car with us and we are driving through a city and having to avoid things in the road. I couldn't make out what the first set of things we had to dodge, but the next set of things looked like what was left from a multiple motorcycle and bicycle accident. The motorcycles were still in the road but covered in black tarps. They were piled up in a turn point and we passed them as we turned right and parked.

We got out of the car and were wandering around a bit. I remember bumping into a black motorcycle and it moved, speaking in a way more like a cow than a machine. I am telling the others that I need to get back to my house. I am looking to take public transit back home. I was going to use the automated ticket machine but Darren wants to use the booth where there was a clerk. Something is said about "oral exchange" and I was jokingly saying that Darren is welcome to get oral on me. We all laughed. 

We walked away with the tickets and sat at a table to wait for the transportation. There is a little girl with us and I notice her right hand looks old. Darren sees me notice and he says she has a rare liver issue and that is how it manifests, but other than that, she is just fine. He asks me if I want to hold her and tells me her name is Tilda. I said sure, I could hold her if she would allow it and wanted me to. Then he pauses, looks seriously into my eyes and says, "I love you." I was surprised by this but thought it was sweet and I said, "Aww I love you too." He replied with emphasis, "I REALLY love you." He said it like he has felt this for a long time and really wanted to tell me but finally was able to say it. I sat there looking at him unsure of what to say or feel. I had a sense of not really knowing him well and somehow he knows me better than i know him. He leans forward and kisses me. I hesitantly kiss him back but it isn't passionate. I am processing this scene. 

Suddenly I am realizing that the Darron back at the campfire is the same Darren I was considering this guy was and now I am confused. I remember how there was Larry and Jeff who were brothers in my dreams but I seem to know Larry better than Jeff. I said, "Jeff?" And I came out of the dream.

In earlier dreams there was something about trying to take a bath and then realizing I had somehow spontaneously released poop into the water. I figured I would have to drain the water and start over. I also had my clothes on and had to take them off because everything was gross now.

Photo by August Sander

My dreams yesterday had a trans woman who I was at school with. The school was doing some drill in case there was a threat. I had some knowing that she planned to get herself killed by pretending she had a weapon. She was telling me I had been her only friend and was thanking me and saying goodbye.

Untitled

Sometimes you think, "When are they going to feed me for a change?"

Keanu Reeves is NOT Your Twin Flame

This blog post was originally posted elsewhere, but I think it is worth publishing here, as well.

News Flash!

There is no "The One" outside of self that will complete you. Completion is an inside job. There is no single person you are destined for and it sure as hell isn't Keanu Reeves. 

The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can end your delusions and find your "happily every after" from within.

_____________________________________

I posted the above on Instagram, but wanted to address a few responses at length here.

Comment: Thank you for saying this. People need to own the stuff both good and bad they project onto others. These qualities are part of our unconscious Shadows. It's these unconscious processes that make movie stars, celebs, etc. seem so much larger than life and 'special'. Whatever wonderful qualities people attribute to K are the ones they're afraid to own. We are equally afraid of our potential for greatness as we are afraid of our dark thoughts and feelings.

Thank you to the individual who posted this comment on IG. It is perfect and absolutely true.

______________________________________

The below is from a chatango channel that was opened by Clown after Ugossip original was shut down and is referred to as "Ugossip back up":

clown: We shouldn't be surprised Keanu is a horrible human being.

timmy: @red this is a good one, good point https://www.instagram.com/badbleubunny/p/CYXC XSGPBOr/?utm_medium=copy_link

clown: Aside from covering up crimes, I guess his pr builds him up so much because he has nothing real about himself or his craft that speak for themselves.

timmy: There are no twin flames etc... it's just people you get along with and understand each other

timmy: Tolerate each other's habits etc

timmy: and the big one, Respect each other

clown: Respect is earned. And it's not real if it's earned through fake PR.

clown: You can't respect a liar, a cheater, a poser.

____________________________________

This is my response to "Timmy" that ended up much too long, so it needed to be it's own blog post:

@timmy: `There are no twin flames etc… it’s just people you get along with and understand each other` 

There are twin flames, just not in the way that people think of them. Like I illustrated in the meme, it is an internal thing. A flame is something we light and to light a twin flame internally means you are bringing two parallel circuits online within the human body to create a circular energy flow. 

Think in terms of the Kundalini and how the awakening Kundalini is depicted as two different colored snakes traveling back and forth up the spine. Left and right, masculine and feminine, sweet and sour, naughty and nice, hard and soft, shadow and light need to be brought together to co-exist simultaneously within the human vessel as a single balanced thing. 

It's not about choosing one or the other, but giving ourselves permission to be both at the same time.

When we get to know that inner masculine or feminine who we have been denying for far too long, we ignite an internal flame that had once been put out due to whatever shit we experienced in life that put it out. For most of us, it is the masculine side that we have lost touch with. The masculine side isn't what most people think, either. Right, in symbolism is considered masculine, and left is considered feminine. But what isn't ever taken into consideration is that there is a twist. Masculine right brain which is our creative self, rules the left part of the body. Analytical feminine left brain rules the right side of the body.

For many of us, we work to survive, stay in relationships that are dysfunctional and lacking in many ways and we lose parts of ourselves along the way. We forget how to creatively express ourselves, to nurture and support ourselves. We forget how to love ourselves because we have been taught over and over how to hate ourselves through adopted false beliefs.

I prefer to call the twin flame journey "the journey back to self" because it is ALL about recovering the parts of us we lost along the way, gaining new parts, and getting to know ourselves, masculine and feminine, in a very important and meaningful way.

Anyone who has embarked on that journey and come out the other side understands what an important journey it is.

Every person we meet along the way can help us learn about ourselves if we allow it...good and bad. Those people who trigger us are teaching us if we pay attention and look closely at what needs to be healed.

This is where I have to admit what a pivotal role @clown has played in my own "twin flame" journey... although it would be more accurate to say I have quad flames internally. I have four distinctive parts.

If I'm really honest, I had a love/hate relationship with clown at the beginning. She knows this. I didn't understand her point of view at all in the beginning or really anything about the place (ugossip 1.0) I had stumbled into. I made every mistake in the book. I tried to walk away from UG what feels like a thousand times, but I always ended up boomeranging back. There was a magnetic pull.

Clown had a magnetic pull for me. I went back because of her.

There was a learning curve and all of that time I invested in playing and fighting here/there, someone was forming inside of me. I emulated aspects of clown and those parts eventually rose up to become BadBleuBunny He is a part of me I didn't know existed and didn't know I needed...but I do. He adds balance to my life and a different perspective. He is sometimes crass, has a wicked sense of humor, has a strong sense of justice and isn't afraid to speak out. Sometimes he is an asshole and I love and respect everything he brings to the table.

I will probably never meet clown and she will remain a faceless person on the internet, but she has changed my life for the better because she connected me to a hidden part of myself and ignited one of my internal flames. For that I will be forever grateful.

So, it doesn't require romantic relationships to complete us and set us on fire.

It simply requires a desire to know ourselves. It requires us being open to change and absorbing the lessons from all of the learning experiences around us that help us get to know ourselves, especially the hidden parts we never knew were there.

Now for the subject of relationships...

I firmly believe there isn't "the one". I don't believe we are fated for one specific person. I believe that we get to choose who we want to be with. If two healed people who have all of their inner flames ignited choose each other, the odds of success are very good. But I think we have to acknowledge that, perhaps, there doesn't have to be a forever person because those of us who have grown and changed also know that growing and changing is a continuous process. Sometimes people who were well suited for each other in the beginning, grow in different directions and need different experiences apart from each other to keep growing. There should never be any shame in that.

All relationships require work to maintain, but some relationships reach an expiration date, therefore, they need to be let go of for the benefit of both people involved. I used to be guilty of holding onto relationships of all shapes and sizes long after the expiration date. Letting people go has been a lesson that kept repeating for me until I could comfortably stand on my own and love my own company.

As Kenny Rogers used to sing:

You've got to know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run

Romantic love is fleeting, at best, but the relationship with yourself is the only one that needs to last a lifetime. A relationship with self leads to confidence, security, independence, inner balance and peace, whereas the opposite is true when you base your happiness on another person. You risk having your inner world fall apart over and over when it is dependent on another person.

Keanu Reeves is NOT your twin flame...he can only he his own.

#keanureeves, #keanureeves #psa #twinflame #twinflames #balance #unity #selflove #sacredunion #insidejob #soulmates #twinsouls #niceguysarentalwaysnice #cancelkeanureeves #cherylmaisel #MeredithWechter #sugar23 #erwinstoff #johnwickhagakure #johnwick #johnwick4 #truelove #happilyeverafter

To My Valentine

Art by XSULLO

Whomever you are

Wherever you are

I know you exist

I don't know when we will meet

But each day I hold hope

That today will be the day

We start our happily ever after

Together

For now, I send my love 

On the invisible strings

That connects my heart

To yours

I love you

Happy Valentine's Day

Art by XSULLO

One of a Kind

Dream Journal Entry: February 13, 2022

There was something about kids and one of them having something that belonged to me. I had been looking for it and discovered this one kid found it but now wasn't letting me have it. I want to say it was something like a tape player. Whatever it was, it was unique and it was one of a kind, therefore valuable. This kid was unwilling to give it back and wouldn't even let me close to it.. 

I got really angry at this girl and all of the people who were supposedly my friends, who were now siding with her. At first, I yelled and told them all to leave, but they wouldn't leave. They were congregating in my house, so I got physical and forcibly made them leave. I threatened to do bodily damage if they didn't leave my property. One by one they were expelled. I didn't care if I would end up alone, because I would rather be alone than have people who weren't really my friends hanging around me.

I can't remember if I recovered the thing the girl had. I think I did. 

I'm sure there was a different scene having to do with Keanu but I can no longer remember because inara's alarm went off which caused me to lose a lot of details because I didn't get to lay there and just recall what I saw in the dream.

Dreams and Expelling Blackness

Dream Journal Entry: February 12, 2022

Last night I dreamed about my ex bff. In real life we have actually talked a little in text messages and have added each other back as friends on social media. In the dream she was with her old boyfriend, Andy, and for whatever reason, she wanted me to spend time with him, too...like we were all going to be together and she wanted to share him with me. I Wasn't sure but I was cautiously friendly with Andy. He was very warm and nice to me. He seemed to be in agreement with the arrangement. 

At some point the ex BFF's mom came into my apartment where we were and I got really angry. She hadn't even knocked, just came in without notice. I told her she has no right to come into my place without knocking first and that I didn't want her here because she didn't even mention to her daughter that we saw each other in the park in Missouri and talked. 

It was at that point ex bff lets me know that she has invited all of these people over so that we can all talk about everything. I told her that if she had invited Beth over, I would not speak to her. I said that I never wanted to speak to her again and no one could make me talk to her.

I woke up to choking and coughing. It, oddly, tasted like chicken. It was that familiar feeling of my stomach acid backing up into my lungs. I haven't had any indigestion for a long time and hadn't needed antacids. Even in those moments, I didn't feel a burning, just a need to cough up what had seeped into my lungs. Despite the lack of burning, I took an antacid and went into the bathroom where I coughed up the blackness that threatened to damage my lungs again.

With each cough, I spit out what I could and watched as the blackness went down the drain. In those moments, I tried to shift my thoughts to this being a good thing and started saying in my head, "I expell from body what no longer serves me. I expell the dark stagnant energy from my energy field which doesn't serve my highest good. I heal easily and quickly."

I eventually coughed long enough that what I was coughing up became clear and then I went back to bed.

I'm not sure where I was, but it feels like I am packing up stuff to go somewhere. I'm leaving this place. I think I got upset with my mother about something, but I can no longer remember the details of why. I just remember that I was headed out and got drawn into this place with this teenage boy of about 14. He has short dark hair and is drawing me aside in this space indicating that he wants us to be together. I see his older brother in this place but never engaged in dialogue with him. I simply see him there. He wants us to be a couple. I didn't say no, but considered I was kind of old for him. I was wondering why he didn't want to be with my daughter, instead, who was closer in age to him but never asked it out loud.

The dream jumps and now I am somewhere there was an audience. It feels like a band is involved but can't say what band. Someone from the band asked me to go clean some dishes for them. I said that I didn't work there, but I agreed to do it anyway. When I got up, my seat and all the others were taken by people wanted to see the band.

I was cleaning what seems like macaroni and cheese out of one dish and popcorn out of another. Everytime I would clear the bottom of the dish, more of the macaroni and cheese reappeared on the bottom. I was very confused and didn't know how this was possible. I think the teenager who had claimed me and wanted us to be together came in and asked what I was doing. He told me that I'm not responsible for cleaning up after this band and drew me away. I can't remember anything else right now.

As I was waking, I heard, "He has chosen you over his Asian brother." I have no idea what that means. 

I also saw what looked like a bright light getting brighter with rays extending. I heard, "A star is being born." I asked, "Am I the star being born?" And heard, "Yes." I said, "I don't want to be a star but I will if I have to."

Musings:

I have considered what the teenage boy could represent and I think he could represent a part of me who exists who is still growing and learning. Maybe he is the part of me who was born when I started on an alternate spiritual path. That part is still young but he is sure of what he wants.

Edited to add:

I just remembered a bit of dream where I am seeing the ninja mutant turtles at a gas station filling up their car. Their faces look mean. I don't like them and am visualizing cutting their faces off.

I also remember something about a teardrop shaped stone and holding it.

I Dunno

Photo by Nathalie Abela

There are some days that I am not sure why I am doing any of this. It just doesn't seem to be leading anywhere.

I feel completely done and over it now.

He's Standing Up For Me

Photo by Issac Marion

Dream Journal Entry: February 10, 2022

I dreamed that I became romantically involved with a man who seems to be paralyzed or have a degenerative disorder that left him immobile. It feels like he is supposed to be from a different country...an Islamic one. He is supposed to be Arabic but he doesn't look Arabic at all. 

The place that he has been placed primarily cares for the mentally ill. He isn't mentally ill, but they didn't have anywhere else to place him. It seems that I have been in contact with him mostly through correspondence, but I don't have a sense of what kind. Maybe phone calls and online. We haven't spent time in person, and yet I know I want to be with him and I came to this place to spend time with him in person. He was worried that I wouldn't want to be with him because of his physical problems, but they didn't matter to me. I fell in love with who he is as a person and his physical limitations didn't change that for me. 

I remember encountering some of the people that were placed in this facility with him and I was thinking we needed to arrange to get him out of this place eventually. It wasn't really a nice place. 

I remember kissing him and noticing how very thin and frail he seems to be. I wanted to be careful not to hurt him when I touched him. He is now asking if we can be together intimately, physically. I didn't know if it was even possible for him given his condition, but I was willing to try and at least lay with him in bed together.

Before I made a move to be more intimate with him, I went elsewhere in this facility with some of the people there. I can't remember why or what I talked about, but during the interaction, I noticed some poop just slipped out of me spontaneously. Usually scenes like this are about verbally "letting shit out" spontaneously... something that just "comes out" when talking to someone. And poop is all the stuff the body can't use, so it is eliminated. It is the same with emotional stuff/experiences we have held in until it just "slips out" in conversation. In the dream I felt embarrassed and made a move to get cleaned up so I could go be with my guy.

When we come together again, he makes a move to stand up which surprised me and that is when I notice that he is very tall, unnaturally tall. I wondered how that would work with being intimate, but thought we could figure it out. 

His legs weren't strong, so he collapsed, at which point I picked him up. He was very light and easy to carry. I took him to the bedroom and set him down. Again he makes a move to stand. Apparently he has been working on this for awhile because he really wanted to be able to stand up for me. Not only is he standing, but he is also walking now. I woke as he was laying down on the bed with me.

Just before I woke, I saw an image of Hitler sobbing. I don't know what that means.

River Phoenix and Identity Theft

I was talking to someone tonight about you and the subject of hag (aka Alexandra Grant) came up. It seems everyone wants to help you, but this is what I said that I found interesting. Sometimes things come out that I never saw before that makes so much sense.

I'm saying part of a game as in virtual reality that most are unaware they are playing.

I once wrote a blog post about hag being part of a big boss battle

There is always a big boss to battle before you can move on to the next level.

I think what is being "fought" for is game completion so that we can shift into "free play" mode.

Free play means it isn't about competition. You get to just have fun.

What he has to do to beat this level is face his fears.

That is what I did yesterday.

Climbing up that mountain was me facing my fears.

I'm terrified of unsafe heights.

I crawled up some of the way.

Scooted on my ass going down.

I just kept saying, "don't look down. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm okay."

It was fucking hard and pretty terrifying, but I kept going and kept a positive attitude about it which makes me proud of myself for doing it.

Anyway, Keanu has to do that.

He has to face his fears.

I think he is most afraid of speaking what he really thinks and feels.

He is afraid of being himself completely and openly.

I think he has been working on it. How can he not?

Exactly.

We are all working on it. The only way you can be yourself openly and honestly is to really love yourself enough that you feel secure no matter what.

That is hard to do but I have done it, so if I can, anyone can.

I didn't know who I was when I started all of this.

I discovered who I am through the journey which also changed me. I love who I became.

He can do that, too. Probably already has.

Who he has been isn't nice. That's the truth.

The old him has to die off in order for him to be reborn.

All we can do is wait and see.

Every path is different.

We get there in different ways.

I'm not sure what clown is going to do 10 years from now, but I guarantee, I won't be hanging around that chat much longer.

I would love to have real friends.

But I do think it is possible for us to follow the guidance and get everything we need from those we meet along the way to get to the next clue that will take us to the next clue and the next one.

He thinks hag is him connecting with River.

I say that because of a dream.

I just re-read it.

Let me find it.

Shit, this search sucks ass.

Basically in the dream I was in a parallel reality.

My name there was Summer.

And I was being told that I think that who I was connecting with was River but really it was Erwin. I don't understand what that means, but I am guessing Keanu does.

The person hearing River said that the person who I thought was River was lying.

My guess is, that is hag pretending she is all River-like in her energy when really she is like his old manager.

Who I don't know, so I have no idea what that means.

But I definitely don't trust his family based on what I have seen and heard in dreams. Hag is not a good person.

But she represents a part of him.

He has to be willing and ready to say goodbye to that old version of himself in order to be able to release her.

She exists within him first.

He has to have an inner hag too.

We can't fix that for him.

He has to do that for himself.

When he conquers the inner hag, the outer will naturally fall away, making room for a new version of his inner feminine to take her seat beside him. 

The little mermaid...

The witch took her identity and stole her voice.

Eric was being deceived.

He thought it was the right one because the voice sounded like the one he heard.

But she had stolen it.

Hag steals everything.

None of her ideas are original.

They all involve theft.

Isn't it funny her stalker was arrested for identity theft?

Maybe hag has stalked Keanu's real "one". 

Maybe she has copied her.

Looked at her social.

There's lots of ways of stalking these days.

Most can be done online.

She watches him.

Probably follows him.

I knew someone like that.

It was creepy as fuck.

He has to fight his inner hag first.

He can't defeat the outer one without destroying the inner one first.

Maybe destroy is the wrong word. He has to expell her internally.

Until he does, she will remain in the outer world with him. It seems to me if he thinks she is River-like, he wants her there with him.

I don't know. I have to believe he isn't dumb, but he fell for her lies just like we did his PR. It's karma related.

He is being given an opportunity to see how lies and deceptions in presenting yourself is an injustice.

He is doing it to millions of people and she is doing it to him.

He fell for the same shit we did.

I say we as in the collective we.

He just needs to see the lesson.

So that he can make different choices.

He has to stop deceiving the public.

And then he will attract an honest partner.

He will have space for her.

When he is honest. 

I didn't even realize all of this until talking it out with you.

It makes so much sense now.

That is why she is his karmic partner.

He is getting the lesson of the harm that lies do when we sell an image and pretend to be something we are not.

_________________________________

The is the dream I was trying to find for the conversation:

Dream Journal Entry: November 3, 2021

I remember a bit of dream where K was shooting arrows at some people  walking by. I was one of the people he was shooting at and didn't understand why. I remember seeing a person shot in the back with arrows who looked dead on the ground.

I remember a scene where I found this little creature that was sort of guinea-pig-like but had no fur that had been dressed in some sort of hard shell by one of the kids and he had been given an egg shaped thing that was being held together with sticky candy. Because of what he was wearing and holding, he was unable to eat. So I removed the egg from his hands, removed the hard plastic shell and let him wander away to go eat with some of the other pets they had. They were allowed to roam free. For some reason, he sort of had a cube shape that was a result of the hard shell having been in place so long but considered it would eventually smooth out.

Later I dreamed I was back at J and K's and the kids were young teens at first. But then I see them morph into very young kids and they were all sitting on the couch. I felt confused and disoriented by this. 

I'm seeing myself and my figure is quite slim, unlike what I usually am. J is introducing herself to me. Apparently she knows that the inner me at that moment is from a different reality and I was just visiting. She is saying that in this reality that my name is Summer. 

Then she sits and pauses like she is hearing something and she is saying, "River is here and he is talking to me. Just a minute." Then she continues, "You think that the person you have been connecting with is River but he is lying, his name is actually Erwin." 

In my head I was seeing some guy that I was spending time with and trying to understand why the name Erwin sounded so familiar. I was trying to process it.

J then states, "I have to go to the store to pick up some things, if you aren't here when I get back, it was nice meeting you." I considered that she meant the me inside her Summer would return to my original reality. And then I started to wake.

Distorted Perceptions and Competition

Photo by Ogami Ryohei

Dream Journal Entry: May 14, 2020, Part 1

I dreamed about being in the UK with my uncle Paul (my father's brother who is dead) and Inara. Uncle Paul is driving and he turns right, thinking this is the place we were trying to find. I wasn't so certain it was, but we went with it anyway. We didn't have much time here, so thought we could make the best of it by stopping at this place that resembled an amusement park but didn't actually have any rides. It was more like an arboretum on the outside with various different varieties of plants displayed and plaques telling what they were. We went by one section on the left that had all monkey puzzle trees. They were all small and looked young. 

In another section was an area you had to climb that was made of branches situated together like a log jam, only it was smaller branches that sort of curved and resembled a very large nest. You had to climb this section to get inside. 

Inside, were lots of different areas and there was a kids section with cushioned mats you could climb and bounce on. Someone is saying something about how there were probably lots of pubic hairs in there left behind by the people who had been in here playing. I thought it was odd, but continued on. After having been in there, I noticed movement in my vaginal area. It felt almost like I had a small, thin penis coming out of me and moving around. I removed my pants and underwear and looked. On the right side of my labia, a parasitic worm had attached to me. I pulled the bulk of the worm off of me and planned to destroy it but there was still a piece of it left at the site wiggling around. I asked my uncle to help me get the last piece because I was holding the parasite in one hand and couldn't get the piece out with one hand only.

I remember seeing a section with books and some author was giving a talk as I walked through.

Photo by Evelyn Hofer, 1963, NYC

I remember being at some eatery at this same location. It wasn't a fancy restaurant. It was the kind of place you would walk up and order at the counter. At first, we were buying just ice cream. Paul hands me an ice cream that I start eating but I don't like it and throw the rest away. I couldn't say what the flavor was. Then I find out that was the ice cream Paul had ordered for himself. He only meant for me to hold it and he seemed sad. I felt bad so offered to buy him another. He said no, but I insisted. We ended up buying grilled burgers and fresh cut fries. I was concerned about whether or not I had enough British money to pay with. I opened my purse and found a check that was for British pounds for two thousand and a bit. I asked if I could use that and they said "yes". The woman who had initially been taking our order got a sick look on her face and said she had to go throw up and asked someone else to take over. She said that she wasn't contagious, she was just pregnant and had nauseousness from that. I told her I completely understood as I had been sick and throwing up my entire pregnancy.

At some point, I suddenly realized I have no top on and was exposed. It didn't bother me much, but I knew others present might not want to see my breasts so I grabbed a towel and came back.

We stepped away for a little while to wait for our food and, at some point, I ended up completely naked but grabbed towels from the place to wrap around me. And when we got our food, we took it away carrying it in all-clad cookware. I can't remember why.

There was one part where a girl who worked there stepped away from the restaurant and started to fall through the holes that were more like connecting tunnels...rather like a mouse playground with connecting tubes only it was for humans and had openings so you could travel to different sections. She fell a couple levels and one guy caught her and helped her up. I helped her up to the level she had originally been on.

I can't remember much else.

Oh yeah, there was also a part of the dream where there were two guys. I think one of them was being kept a secret. He was Asian. They were a couple but one of them was having a hard time admitting his relationship with him.

At one point, the Asian guy looked to have a very long skull like what the alien looked like in the movie, Alien, only it was a human skull, but once you changed position, you could see it was just a distortion of the glass he was standing near.

Commissionaires Dog by Kurt Hutton

Dream Journal Entry: May 13, 2020, Part 2

I had another dream where it seems there was some sort of competition taking place. People were all chasing after the same thing. They were hunting. I was one of them participating in the competition. At one point, I sought to work with others and started riding an elephant with a group, but a bunch of people passed me, so I thought I needed to hurry up and opted to get off the elephant and run ahead. Some of the people who were chasing the same thing I was started shooting at me. I took cover and avoided their bullets. I moved quickly ahead. It became clear we were hunting some dog and, apparently, it was very dangerous. It was possible it could destroy you. I found some dogs that others seemed scared of. I didn't have a weapon and wasn't afraid. I approached the dogs. At first they seemed to growl, but when they realized I wasn't scared, they let me pet them. It was a medium sized dog and a small one. 

Attribution Unknown

I moved past them into the area the biggest dog was and I come upon some guy. There was something about him having built some alter to draw the dogs to him. I was seeing it as a relatively small alter, at first, but there was a second much larger one that was hidden and blended into the natural outdoor setting. At first it looked like an ordinary tree that was slightly leaning over and its branches went up and bent in the direction the tree was leaning. It sort of resembled a pipe organ. The guy moved away some leaves to reveal it was a large alter to ensure the largest dog came to him. He had been drawing the dogs to him even though the largest was very dangerous. There was something about an area he built that was a virtual place. He said, "I built this place because I knew they would be drawn to be inside the virtual place because they can find balance here. They want to be here." The dogs who had gone in had become docile and relaxed. There had been a woman with him but he seemed to discard her in preference for me, the first person to have completed getting to that point. I guess I was the winner because I had gotten there first, but I didn't seek to destroy the dogs as the others had.

The guy backed me up against the alter and it seemed he planned to have sex with me. I think I woke up there. I waited too long to write the dream down.