Sometimes, in order to let go of something, we first need to shine a light on it, reveal it and dissect it and let it bleed out. Only then can we release what we have been avoiding but carrying with us from lifetime to lifetime.
After my QHHT session yesterday with Allison Coe, there has been so much brewing inside of me that I know needs to be talked about.
It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this.
It doesn't matter if anyone believes me.
It doesn't matter what people think of me after I share it.
I am not interested in your version of this tale. I don't need you to comment with anything you may have gotten from the characters I will talk about today.
I write today as therapy and as a way of releasing the mountains of pain that has followed me from lifetime to lifetime and has kept me a prisoner....a damsel in distress in a tower made up of all of her fears, loneliness and pain.
Today I release her.
The only past life that was revealed is the one where all of my health problems are rooted. It is similar to trying to cut down blackberries. If you don't take out the roots too, the blackberries will just keep coming back and take over eventually.
I was surprised by the intensity of emotion that gripped me during my session. It gripped me so intensely throughout the session that I could only cry sometimes. I could feel my whole body tense up spontaneously and the profound sadness, grief and loneliness leaked out of my eyes. When I sat up after the session ended, I felt dazed but also my heart was literally in pain. Near the end of the session, I felt my head starting to hurt and on the drive home, both sides of my jaw hurt. Later that night, a migraine kicked in and I still have it today. Is this my body trying to process all that I felt yesterday during the session? I believe this is, indeed, the case.
The jaw pain is a message that I need to speak out loud the things I have kept hidden. The heart was revealing the pain, and the head was holding the secrets I have held onto.
So, what is this life that grips my heart to a point it makes it feel as though it is being shredded by blackberry thorns?
The life I saw was that of Mary, mother of Isa (aka Jesus).
The tale I tell now is compiled of information that came through observed repeating patterns in my life, dreams, in-between states, signs, synchronicity, research and now regression.
Mary, at a very early age, was given to a religious group called The Essenes. According to information they had gathered through charts and prophesy, Mary was meant to have a very special child. I spoke of my own dream which echos this in my post about Hitler.
At the age of 12, Mary was handed over as a child bride to someone selected for her by the Essenes. Joseph didn't really want this responsibility, but, begrudgingly, took her to his house. By this point, Joseph's first wife had died. His children were grown. He spent days and sometimes weeks away working, which left Mary alone. The place I saw in regression felt remote and isolated. I saw goats, a small garden and a tiny house with a dirt floor where she spent most of her days entirely alone.
I saw her sewing pieces of cloth.... embroidered them. She would trade these small pretty tokens for bread and other supplies. The interesting part of seeing this is that when the character I am currently performing changed her last name legally, it was changed to "Taylor" which is a name that suggests the occupation of the bearer is someone who sews. In a dream I saw pretty little embroidered cards that had beautiful words and music that played from them. In the dream I thought that I wanted to do something like this. I didn't understand then the connection to that other life that was coming through. I thought it was simply about wanting some of my poetry to be turned into songs.
I was first gripped with overwhelming emotion by the lonliness Mary felt during my regression. She was so lonely. She came from having a community and peers with the Essenes, to isolation in the middle of nowhere.
While Joseph was away working, Mary was raped. By whom, was not revealed in my session. I only know the father of her child produced a blonde baby boy. The fact that this child was not even Joseph's was bad enough, but the fact he was born with blonde hair was a dead giveaway that he was not the father and it would have brought shame, embarrassment and punishment to both of them. So Mary's baby was ripped from her arms and given away to be raised by others. She never knew what became of her son, just that he existed once and she kept the evidence tucked away somewhere. In a dream I saw it as a baby mobile and other baby items. I then saw in the dream that this evidence was also taken eventually and a cousin had it.
Joseph would always blame her for her own rape. In his eyes, it was infidelity and he felt betrayed. He had never been a warm communicative person, but now there was even more distance because of his resentment. Mary was grateful that he allowed her to stay on because other girls in similar circumstances didn't always fare so well. At least she hadn't been cast out, or worse, been killed as an adulterous wife.
Mary became intensely depressed. She had no one, really, and the one person she had who God told her was going to be born to her was ripped away from her. She had named her son, Isa.
When Mary was about 16, a toddler boy was brought home to her by Joseph. He gave her this child to raise, hoping he would make her happy. This one he knew would grow up resembling himself because he was his brother's son. His brother had many children and his wife had identical twin boys. His brother's wife didn't mind having her burden lightened a little so agreed to the arrangement.
Mary named him the name she had given her actual son. The boy always knew that Mary was not his biological mother as she made sure he knew that he wasn't her real son. Having this new Isa there did help her feel happier though. The next images I saw in the regression was her sitting by a river playing with this boy. He was probably 4 or 5 at that point. It felt like a different place than the home she had lived in with Joseph and I can't say where it was for sure.
At some point during the regression, I saw Mary and Isa living in India where they both learned about reincarnation, meditation, tantra yoga, energy, breath work and so much more. It was such a different life and both were transformed during their time there. At this point Joseph had died. I saw Isa as a man-child from behind. His skin was a sun-kissed brown and his dark hair was in long waist length dreadlocks with the front part tied back to stay out of his face.
Feelings came to the surface as Isa grew, romantic feelings they both shared for each other. Their education helped them understand how and why they could feel what they did for each other. They understood that energetic soul bonds transcend space and time and don't care about social taboos. They were also in a place where no one knew who they had been, so when the time came that their feelings were revealed to each other, it was easy to act on it.
Mary and Isa married and had two children together. They were happy and life was good. But Isa wanted to return to their homeland to teach what they had learned. For Mary, it raised mountains of fear. People back there knew them and they would have to be careful because what they had done was taboo. She didn't want to go back. They left their children in the care of a close friend in India and headed back to the land of their births.
It didn't end well, when they returned. Isa was crucified on a cross and died in Mary's arms. His last breath he took in her arms.
A great deception took place at that point.
Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene are exactly the same person. They are not two different people. They are the same person.
Previously, I thought that Didymos Judas (Thomas), Isa's bio-identical twin took his brother's place on the cross. He did not. He did take his place in a way though. He posed as his brother. Other decoys were put in place so that people wouldn't know who to follow or where to find them. False information was deliberately planted to mislead anyone who might try to find Isa and Mary.
In the regression when asked about Thomas all I could get out was "France. He went to France." Allison asked about Mary Magdalene going with him and I said no, but internally the dialogue that was taking place was "Thomas is gay." Mary Magdalene was a ruse, a fiction. Thomas stepped into his brother's shoes and played "husband" to Mary at that point. They were very close friends and she stayed with him because he looked like the one she lost. Did they have children together? I have no idea. It is possible. Mary would have been about 43 at the time they went to France and she looked young due to her diet and lifestyle, so it isn't impossible that she had more children with a man who looked like her husband who wanted to actually be with men but was scared to act on it because of fear.
Did Mary actually ever see her children again that she left behind in India? I have no idea but I did have a dream once where I saw myself back in a place....a campus of a college. I had come back for the children I left behind. Three were with their father and two were with me. What isn't clear is if these were children from that time period or if they are children from our real life outside of the game.
What IS abundantly clear to me now is how much the losses Mary suffered created a ripple of anguish and pain through all of her lives that followed. She lost child after child in one way or another. She suffered from the fear of people knowing about her relationship with Isa because she knew all too well how they would react if they knew.
"You married your son?!!!"
It was the most profound love she had ever experienced and yet the outside world could never understand what she understood without the knowledge she and Isa had. And in the land of her birth, crossing into what is deemed "forbidden" by social standards, could lead to death. There was real danger in revealing their secret. We only have to look at Woody Allen and the relationship he has with his adopted daughter to see how the public reacts to such taboos even today. We jump to judgment and ridicule without any deeper knowledge or understanding.
This was the secret that was kept that must be revealed.
I sent this as part of an email to Allison after our session:
"At the very beginning of this journey, the guy on the other side played a song in my head during a nap, "I Just Want to be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb. I didn't understand the full impact of the meaning of those words back then, but Isa really was Mary's everything. He was her son, her lover, her best friend, her partner.... regardless of how the whole world will view it. Even you had a little of the reaction that she feared from others. "You had a relationship with your son?" What she learned in India that she couldn't seem to articulate in those moments on the couch was about energy and reincarnation and how your heart remembers the energy of the ones we love most in that other world, in those other bodies. We are still of THAT world right now where our bodies sleep and he is still my husband. Would you brave taboos to feel that level connection and love with someone? Apparently my version of Mary did but it had a price. Her "everything" was crucified for a day. She was crucified for the rest of her life by having to hide the truth and by her own grief."My session with Allison Coe was a gift...both literally and symbolically. My friend, Cynthia Hanning gifted me the session. I went in with no real expectations. The worst that could have happened is that I ended up having an amazing conversation with an amazing woman. What I got out of it was confirmation about a lot of things and the knowledge that I really can trust myself and my own information coming in. What I got was confirmation that the direction I was going with my thoughts about who I had been and what I had experienced was real because I FELT it. There was a lot I couldn't see and couldn't answer, but in those moments, I felt the intensity and weight of all of the emotions from another life that have been acting as road blocks for me being able to live this life fully.
That was the message I kept getting in the session, that I wasn't living anymore. I needed to leave the isolation I felt from that life and am reproducing in this one. I need to make in-person connections and not just online ones. I need to allow and open myself completely and connect fully on every level with at least one person which requires me to face my biggest fear of all....loss.
I am free.