Sunday, October 7, 2018

Who Killed Mr. Green in the Ballroom?

Art by Stephen Andrade
I saw a recent discussion about who really killed River at The Viper Room. This individual was upset I had placed blame on Samantha Mathis in a series of posts based on my dreams. I laughed to myself, because who killed "Mr. Green" in the game we are currently playing could be different for each of us. Remember, our thoughts create our individual reality.

To explain this, I will have to give you a list of players I have gotten clues for since I started this journey and who they would be in the game of CLUE.

Art by N. C.  Winters

Mrs. Peacock - Rainbow - Oktobre (me) - Transformed version with all chakras fully functioning.

Miss Scarlett - Red - Deryck Whibley - Root Chakra

Yvette the Maid - Orange - Oktobre (me) - Sacral Chakra

Colonial Mustard - Yellow - Laura Jane Grace - Solar Plexus

Mr. Green - Green - River Phoenix - Heart Chakra

Wadsworth - Blue - Keanu Reeves - Throat Chakra

Professor Plum - Indigo/Purple - Brandon Lee - Third Eye Chakra

Mrs. White - White - Kurt Cobain - Crown Chakra

In my game of CLUE, there were multiple fatalities. The question is, who killed each? The answer is, I did. I killed them all in one way or another.

So, to see in a dream that Samantha Mathis was somehow responsible for River's death is actually seeing how I killed my heart, my love and my partner. My heart drank the poison I gave it and it died. Heart Chakra issues are where most of my health problems stem from. Killing my heart is like putting armor on and saying, "I can't feel anymore."

The murder that happened before that was the murder of my Third Eye. I killed any connection to spirit, the other side and my sixth sense abilities. Brandon represents my third eye and I was shown in a dream where the bullet went in that killed him. It was in the middle of his back which shows a lack of support for the connection to the part of the mind that can see more and connect with information that the normal thinking mind cannot. I remember deliberately turning off that connection to the other side. I didn't want the responsibility and it scared me. Killing my third eye is like putting my hands on my eyes and saying, "I can't see you."

The next fatality was Kurt Cobain. He represents my connection to spirit and all things spiritual. As evidence shows, I blew my crown right off with a shotgun. I shut down, turned off and went into radio silence. It was like sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, "I can't hear you!"

Photo by Ezo Renier
Keanu represents the throat chakra which is all about communication. In a dream once, he was carrying a little girl who was referred to as "the little mermaid" and I took it to mean she was my voice and he was holding her for me until I was ready for her to stand and walk on her own.

And with each one of the living players, I am meant to give them what I needed to give myself. And by learning to give unconditional love, support, and guidance to them, I learned to also give them to myself. I was also able to see former versions of me and witness how and why it was a problem or an asset. I was able to see patterns and work through so much internal baggage. I was able to fall in love with me and THAT is the point.

The reason why I am also the Maid is because she is the sacral chakra. Just recently I had a dream where a woman stepped through the door wearing an orange dress. Sacral chakra to me is about relationships and the person I most need to have a relationship with is myself.

Through doing all the work that was being asked of me, I was finally able to find my voice again.

Now, your cast of characters may be similar or different depending on the clues you are getting. Maybe River represents something different to you than he does to me. Maybe the method of death will look different in your game than it does in mine. You have to take a good hard look at yourself, understand the clues and understand how you, yourself killed off that character in the game.

It really doesn't matter who or what actually killed River. What matters is that you are understanding the messages you are being given if you are guided to specific people. If you fail to step away from the lower mind and narrow thinking, you will fail to grow, expand and transform. You  will fail to become Mrs. Peacock and she will be just another casualty in the game.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Non-physical Celebrity Guides

I have had a series of weird things happen. It started right after I decided it was time to let the non-physical ones go who have helped guide me along the way. I wrote about this letting go and was contacted by someone who was saying I shouldn't let River go. I thanked her for her message, but know deep in my heart that all of the messages I have been getting in dreams and with signs and syncs were telling me it was time to let them all go so that my partner doesn't have to live in their shadow. Nevermind that my partner isn't talking to me right now. It is about symbolically saying that he is my priority. I communed with the non-physical long enough. Now it is time to participate with the physical. Now it is time to actually start living and interacting with the fleshy variety of people.

Shortly after I was told not to let River go, I had a friend reach out and want me to talk with his friend who appeared to have a celebrity connection through signs, syncs and dreams. I complied with his request and found the conversation challenging right out of the gate. She asked me if I had a relationship with Jesus. I laughed and told her that was a loaded question and told her briefly about my past life connection.

She got pretty stuck on her religious beliefs and needed to use words that didn't upset her. Like she needed "prophet" instead of "psychic". It felt like the conversation was going nowhere and all this fear based religious talk was wearing on me. She finally started talking about Jack White and it was pretty clear to me after a short time that she was having psychotic episodes. I politely told her that I felt I couldn't help her and felt we should bring the conversation to a close. I promptly blocked her once I was certain she had seen my final message.

I have talked to a lot of complete strangers on this journey. People reach out to me and lot who also feel they have a celebrity connection on their spiritual journey. This was the first time I truly felt there was mental illness coming into play.

The next day I got a notification for a Facebook story of a friend I don't really talk to anymore who, coincidentally, used to refer to Jack White as her "husband" but I never took it seriously. We stopped talking because I felt really let down by her. I was going through a rough time and reached out to her but only got silence in return. I told her how I felt at the time but considered I had been too harsh. I clicked on her story because of the Jack White connection and was surprised to see a picture of River. I went to her page and she had just posted several photos of River and one where she had referred to River as her "husband". I decided to send her a message and congratulate her on her recent "marriage". lol The response I got back was surprising and not completely different from the woman I had talked to the day before. "Psychotic break" is definitely a phrase that entered my mind.

After all I have learned since River came to me as a guide in 2012, I know that "marrying River" is basically the same as being visited by the Self-love Fairy and it isn't exactly a gentle musical-like, animals singing experience. It has been more like a "walk through the brambles naked with your flesh being torn off" experience. It has been more like a "turn yourself inside out and dissect every part of you" bloody and painful experience.

So, when someone says they feel connected to River, I really do wish them well, but know how hard it can be if they actually follow all the clues he will give them and do the work he is asking them to do. I have seen a lot of people get really stuck on the celebrity persona instead of what they are trying to teach them. They fail to follow the breadcrumbs and clues being offered that will lead them to lessons that will help them grow.

Lots of people have non-physical celebrity guides. Why? Because it is an easy mask that can be worn and used. Usually a lot is out there about their lives and can be used as clues of guidance. It is hard to gather clues from Joe Nobody because there just isn't as much to work with. Think of it as a scavenger hunt and the pieces you are sent to find are parts of you. The celebrities and the clues connected to them are simply a tool and a treasure map. To get stuck on the persona would be erroneous and leave you a mouse chasing it's own tale in the maze rather than following the clues that will take you to the big prize at the But make no mistake, this you that it can lead you to is the highest version of you and it is magnificent.

Remember...this is a game. A virtual reality.

Are we actually working with the actual non--physical celebrity? Probably not, but it doesn't really matter. The mask gives us a reference point and a way for them to guide us. It is like being blindfolded and having a partner from the other side tell us where to go. There IS a partner and if we listen and trust their guidance, we will find our way out of the maze and back to ourselves.

If you are successful, you will be led to people who will help you look at yourself. You will experience lessons that will help you grow if you are willing to truly look at yourself honestly and then change. And when the journey comes full circle, if you have done all that was being asked of you, you will be transformed completely.

I am not at all the same person I was when I started all of this. I would never ever want to be that old me, either. The me I am today is so much wiser, kinder, and balanced. The me I am today wants to continue to strive to be the best version of me that I can and to continue to grow as experiences come my way.

I value and appreciate every single celebrity I experienced, both non-physical and physical. By looking at their lives, seeing the patterns, the problems and myself in them, I was able to grow, expand and change. I feel I am at a point now where I can say thank you to all of them but ultimately let them all go now.

Thank you, River Phoenix.
Thank you, Brandon Lee.
Thank you, Kurt Cobain.
Thank you, Ava Gardner.
Thank you, Jean Seberg.
Thank you, Frank Sinatra.
Thank you, Isa and Mary.
Thank you, Adolf and Eva.
Thank you, Deryck Whibley.
Thank you, Laura Jane Grace.
Thank you, Dan Reed.
Thank you, Nuno Bettencourt.
Thank you, Dave Grohl.
Thank you, Keanu Reeves.

Best wishes and good luck to all of you out there who are on a journey back to self.

Friday, October 5, 2018

Four Horsemen and the Kundalini Awakening

Art by Oleg Lipchenko
My guides want me to talk about something I have recently come to understand, but I have had to delay it while I writhe in pain. It has been one thing after another over the last week. It started with painful edema, then moved to kidney pain. Today I woke with massive head pain in the third eye region. It has finally dulled enough that I feel like I can put my words together to talk about my important discovery. All of this pain I mentioned will make sense later.

Illustration by Gustave Dore

"Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on!" takes on a new layer for me after what I came to understand yesterday.

Something kept coming back to my mind over and over. At the beginning of all of this, I was shown fours in dreams. I saw four necklaces, four dogs, four phones, etc. But then it changed. There were four hot dogs, but one couldn't be used. There were four pets, but one was sick. There were four bands, but one cancelled at the last minute.

That number four haunted me and I have suspected for some time that it might be related to the four horsemen mentioned in Revelation in the Bible. I had looked before, but I needed more information from the experiences and lessons I was having before I would fully be able to connect the two definitively.

Art by Victor Vasnetov

I made a quick reference list of the four so I could compare it with the people I have been guided to.

White Horse - Archer - Competition
Red Horse - Sword - War/Taking sides
Black - Scales - Value of things
Ashen - Scythe & Famine - Death and Hades

After looking at that list, I determined that it was my White Horse I was missing.

Deryck Whibley is clearly my Black Horse because he is a borderline hoarder. He is all about his things and he has no real regard or generosity for those less fortunate. He is the dwarf in the story of Snow White and Rose Red who wants the treasure all for himself. Don't get me wrong, Deryck has wonderful qualities too. He has SO much potential and yet he chooses to be materialistic and selfish. When I was trying to reach him and wake him up, it was easy to see myself in him. It was easy to see how I had been too sentimental and needed to let go of the things and the past. It was during that time I started purging and getting rid of stuff I had been carrying with me for more than 30 years. I learned so much during my time with the Black Horse.

Laura Jane Grace is very clearly my Red Horse. She was all about raging against what she saw as unjust and taking sides. She speaks out a lot but does little to actually create any real change through action. Again, I could see very well how I had been exactly like her at one point. A trip to my old Facebook posts will show you I liked to speak out on injustices and take sides. Again, Laura is a beautiful person with mountains of potential. Seeing me in her helped solidify my own transformation away from warring with people and taking sides.

I'm not sure who my White Horse would have been, but the lessons of competition have trickled through different people in small ways. Most recently, I feel like I was put through a series of bizarre tests. I think I passed those tests.

The Ashen Horse is Keanu Reeves. I haven't spent as much time studying him as I have the others because he is still new to me. Part of that is due, in part, to the lack of social media presence. It was easier to interact with the other two. I think the fourth horse has a pretty big lesson in that we have to release our fears and a huge fear most of us have at one point is the fear of death. Along with that is the grief we feel when someone we care about dies. Keanu has experienced some significant deaths in his life that seem to have weighed heavy on him. The Mary character grieved so much that it followed her through all of her lives. Keanu lost a partner and a child. Mary, also, lost a partner and child and she never got over it. I felt the enormity of that grief during my past life regression and it is a weight I no longer want to carry.

I think the famine part of the lesson isn't so much about literal famine having to do with food, but famine of the soul. We starve ourselves when we shut down and shut out people. I think Keanu is like me in that he put his heart on lock down so that no one would ever get back in there and devastate him again. In doing so, he starves his own soul and others by not being capable of giving or receiving fully. I feel I can give fairly well, but I am not very good with receiving. I get images of arrows being shot at my heart and they simply hit the barrier and fall to the ground, unable to penetrate the inner sanctuaries.

Illustration by Gustave Dore

I think the added lesson of famine is being able to continue to love and give to someone even when they are not in a place to be able to give to us. All of the lessons teach us an aspect of unconditional love.

These are listed as the first four of seven seals.

I happened upon a Gnostic site that had an interesting excerpt from a book. I thought, "Oh my God! Why did it take me so long to find this nugget of gold?!"

By no means do I believe this is complete because it is missing integration of the information that this is a virtual reality. Some of what has been said in the article, when taking into consideration what I know because of dreams, would alter slightly.

I see a little boy in dreams all the time and, often, I opt to take care of him.

The article mentions when the fifth seal is opened, a person will see themselves dressed in white. I had a dream where I stood in the shower and my Doc Marten boots I was wearing went from black to white. Since that dream, I am wearing white in dreams more frequently.

I seem to be at a point of the sixth seal opening. I have been experiencing and unusual amount of pain, as I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. So, while I feel rather like I would like to check out and skip the pain, I guess it is actually a very positive sign of all the progress and growth I have done.

Here is the article should you be interested in reading it:

Who are the four horsemen in your life? Are you learning the lessons you need to learn to move forward? Which seals have been opened on your journey?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

A Place Where Three Rivers Meet

Art by Hugh D'Andrade

I watched the movie, "47 Ronin" for the first time today. It is a Japanese tale that was rewritten to include a role for non-Japanese actor, Keanu Reeves. As I watched, I wasn't so much riveted by the samurai true tale it was based on, but the extra storyline of the outsider who was trying to find acceptance and his place in the world, a place where he belongs.

As I watched Kai's (Keanu) struggle to earn acceptance with those around him who he respected, I thought about all the times I went to Native American pow wows thinking I had native ancestry. I hadn't yet learned, thanks to my cousin taking a DNA test, that there is absolutely zero native blood in my people who came before me. I always knew my mom's side was all European, but I had heard all of my life that my paternal grandfather was part Native American. My cousin's mother is sister to my father, so if he has no native genetic markers, then neither do I.

Regardless of my genetic origins, I went to pow wows believing fully that some of my ancestors had been one of them, yet I look entirely white. I have had a deep love for native culture, but was taken back when I experienced the underlying hate of white people. It is understandable, given how many of their people and much of their culture was decimated by the white man. But how can we ever move forward in peace with each other with so much hate and resentment hidden in our hearts passed on from generation to generation?

I was once Facebook friends with a well known Native American author and the hateful things he would say in comments was too much for me. His writings are celebrated by people all over the world, but he didn't practice his own wisdom, which I find tragic. I ended up deleting him as a friend after one of his hateful rants.

I have stopped going to pow wows because they only make me feel like an interloper. I feel like that outcast Keanu portrays in 47 Ronin.
Art by memir/Emir Ă•zbay

As I watched the movie, I wondered if that is how Keanu often feels in life, out of place and uncertain where he truly belongs. I have this sense of someone who is trying to find his place by exploring his roots, but, similar to the movie, he isn't a pure blood. Kai is a half blood, but Keanu has three distinct ancestral lines coming into him. When you aren't really pure enough, you might genetically be a member of them, but you are also not fully accepted by any of them as part of their people, their tribe.

As I considered which lines were coming into him, I understood he is actually something special because the three lines are one from each of the original tribes created that I learned about when I studied ancient Sumerian text and the creation story. The original line of humans created were dark skinned. A line branched off and  became what was considered the light skinned line. This is the line most people know about and is known through the biblical tale of "Adam and Eve". This was the line that gave birth to twins, Ka'in and Aba'el (aka Cain and Abel).

We all know that Ka'in killed Aba'el. What most people don't know is that Ka'in's punishment was to be genetically altered so that he couldn't grow a proper beard, which would forever mark those from the line of Ka'in. A certain number of generations had a good old fashioned curse placed on them where the sons would kill their fathers. Ka'in was sent to the far east with his sister wife and was the start of the third line of humans.

Keanu is where the three lines meet. His mother is of the light line (Caucasian) and his father was part dark (Native Hawaiian) and part line of Ka'in (Chinese).

I thought to myself, "Keanu is the place where three rivers meet and that makes him special."

I initially thought I would base my next Instagran series of three on these thoughts and set out to see if there was a single word that means "where three rivers meet" and was surprised by what I found.

"Kiana" is the Eskimo word for "place where three rivers meet".

I smiled and considered it was fitting that "kiana" is so close to the name Keanu. I have gotten used to all of the "coincidences" that are really clues, signs and syncs leading me somewhere, but they never cease to make me smile because it helps me know I am following the correct trail.

What is that I hear you thinking? There are others who are places where three rivers meet? Aren't they special to me too? Yes and no. It is lovely to have that genetic unification of the three lines in anyone, but I wasn't guided to them as part of my Scooby Doo adventure, so they are irrelevant to me personally until I am guided there.

All of those animal references I get in dreams makes a little more sense to me now when applying the three lines theory to it . Some people are referred to as cats, some as dogs, and still others are birds. I came across an Egyptian image not long ago that brought this idea home visually. The only thing missing is a cat headed person.

I have no profound conclusions. I just thought it was interesting information I wanted to share.

This is the adult version of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" but more like "If Oktobre Watches a Movie". LOL 

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Forgiveness and Redemption, Loving the Darkness

Art by Takato Yamamoto
Dream Journal Entry: September 4, 2018 I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this is a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white and the other blackness. I heard something about Heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

I woke, saw some pictures my friend sent to me of Shanghai, replied and then went back to sleep.

When I went back to sleep, I found myself traveling to Shanghai to meet my mom. I was surprised that it seemed like all the people in her building were English speaking and none were actually from Shanghai. I think I wasn't going to be there long, which I thought was odd to come all that way only to spend the the night there. I remember seeing actual corn stalks growing inside by a window. I thought it was curious how this could be possible. There was no soil. There were, apparently some odd occurrences happening there. I was being told about them and they were rather dark things that were happening. All of a sudden, the electricity went out and I knew that meant some huge dark energy was coming. I had deja Vu in the dream and remembered how this had just happened in my waking state...the power going out. I braced myself for what was coming. I knew the things I would see would probably be unpleasant. At one point I saw human body parts hanging from inside a large old wood burning stove. I then saw a blue balloon and inside was the severed foot of my dog and I see the rest of her is inside the balloon as well. I am upset by this and am asking if she was dead. I heard she was an animated dead thing. She was still moving. I stopped and said that I didn't want to see this, that it needed to stop and I pushed open a set of red doors that led outside in an attempt to wake up out of the dream. Other people were outside too looking around in the darkness. I started to wake but quickly drifted back to sleep.

Art by Takato Yamamoto
I am back at this place in Shanghai, but now I am outside the building and I am asking what this was all about and I have this sense that this darkness simply needed more love. I had a sense that with my love, the darkness could balance and make different choices. And that is what I said to the darkness, the entity that was there looming, "You don't have to do this. You have taken it too far but you can make different choices. There is a place for you and darkness can be beautiful and help make us better people, but you have to make that choice." And I remember thinking, "I am strong enough to love you and help you understand your own value. I am strong enough to help you come into balance."

Later I saw something about a TV out in a barn and how there was some control being implemented through the programming but I am not sure by what or whom. And in another scene I am seeing something being put into a cylindrical opening in the top back of the head. It looks like wheat or straw and it looks like it is being taken in and ground up and these "people" seemed like both spiritual and religious "people" and were feeding those gathered around them information. I can't remember anything else.

Art by Takato Yamamoto
Comments: This is not the series I thought I would be posting today. Before I went to bed, I had something else planned and then my dreams had other ideas. I think I can make it tie into some of what I wanted to talk about, though.

Forgiveness and redemption IS about loving and understanding the darkness.

We all have karmic baggage to clear out with the people we come together with...and that doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a relationship with them in order to achieve that. It just means you have to understand the lessons you are meant to get and then make different choices, forgive, let go or do whatever the situation requires of you to move on to the next level of growth and expansion.

Dreams have told me that the final person they guided me to also has Mary's rapist on board that vehicle. He was the father of her son who was taken from her. Let's look at the symbolism for a minute.

Mary was 12 when she was brutally raped by a Roman soldier. He stole her innocence. And in turn, when her baby was born, she manifested her "innocence being stolen from her". Her baby boy was ripped from.her arms and taken from her. Do you see how the cycle starts? The soldier likely craved  the innocence he had lost. He became a killing machine to be a soldier. But instead of going within, he sought outside of himself, inappropriately, to take innocence. Yet it never filled him up because what he really wanted to connect with is his own innocence.

When we become conscious creators, we can pause, look at what we are being shown, and make better choices that don't harm others or ourselves further.

From my higher perspective, the Mary part of me can say to her rapist, "I forgive you". She can then say to those who took her baby, "I forgive you," because she can now see and understand how her own thoughts contributed to manifesting the circumstances she found herself in.

Not only can she forgive her rapist, but she can open her arms and say, "I love you and want you to be part of my life." Because the only way she can connect with the one she desires to be reunited with is to forgive and develop a connection and bond with the one she hated most.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The God of the Underworld

Art by Yannick Bouchard
Dream Journal Entry: August 27, 2017
I took a nap and dreamed about some guy who had written an article about someone/something I had read. He was sitting nearby and I said hello and smiled. I liked his eyes.

Then there was something about olive oil and pouring some into a shot glass to taste. I got some bread and dipped it into the oil and ate it. While this was happening, I saw something move... shadow people. I think I am talking to the guy while this is happening. I wasn't scared but one of the shadow figures, a male, grabbed onto me. I didn't want him there and said, "in the name of Satan, let me go!" His eyes immediately filled with surprise and fear. He let go and moved away I am thinking it is amusing because God and Satan are really the same being, but one aspect rules the living while the other rules the Underworld. I found it interesting that using this name was so effective for making him leave me alone and go away.

Then it seems I am talking to Inara about the Underworld. I am using an end table to illustrate. I am explaining that people think of the world of the living as being on the surface and the people who die as being down low under the table in the Underworld. Someone I recognize as Linda T. discourages me from telling Inara the truth, but I am undeterred. I went on, "But that isn't really what it is like. The dead are all right here with us everywhere. The Underworld is all here mixed with the living and most people don't realize it. The only distinction is that one group of people are considered living and the other group are considered dead."

Art by Ksenia Svincova aka IrenHorrors

Most people think we are "the living" but they are wrong.

We are "the land of the dead" which is where so many of our errors come in when we try to navigate this game. We pray to a living God, but he does not have domain or authority over this side.

It is Left brain vs. Right brain. We are inside the side of physicality and dead things. I wrote a blog post that touches upon this in more detail not too long ago.

If you want results, you need to talk to the guy who people call "Lucifer" and "Satan". I just call him "David" because that is often his name when he appears in my dreams. He is David, the Teacher to me. David, my husband and partner in the world outside of this virtual reality.

When he came to me in a visitation, a flood of memory rushed through me and gripped my heart. I thought, "Oh my god, how could I have ever forgotten you?!!!" This was the most powerful and intense love I have EVER felt and it is what propels me forward on this journey. It was so powerful that I told my human husband that I wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter that this being has no physical body for me to hold onto. I love him completely and remembered that I always had.

The Teacher takes on all the shit roles to do the most horrendous things because our thoughts and beliefs demand it. Our fucked up thoughts have forced Him to do things that pains Him to take part in...all because we refuse to change. We have refused to grow and expand. We choose to stay divided through our thoughts and beliefs. We don't want to take responsibility for creating our own realities and so we blame each other, we blame Him and we blame and blame and blame.

He isn't your enemy. He isn't a bad guy. He is begging you to finally learn the lessons so His job is no longer needed and he can return to being a single whole being where sides don't exist because we are balanced and whole.

And when that happens, we can all wake up and go "the kingdom of God". ..the real organic world.
Art: "Persephone and Hades" by ooneithoo 

Friday, August 24, 2018

The Twin Towers was an Inside Job

Photo by Rodney Smith
For many of us, the first stages of "awakening" is going down the "conspiracy theory" and "truther" rabbit hole. I know I went there for a time. But if you are truly awakening, you won't stay there. You will move on to a spiritual journey, which, for most, will end up becoming a journey back to self.

If I spend any time scrolling my Facebook feed, I will always see something about 9/11 and the Twin Towers. I saw something just tonight and was reminded of a conversation I had with my friend, Cynthia. She said something about the twin towers being brought down was an inside job. And, with my newfound knowledge of seeing everything outside of us as a message and a lesson about what is inside of us, I suddenly saw a profound message. Suddenly the towers coming down didn't seem sinister or bad at all.

I said to her, "Look at the message in what you just said."

The Twin Towers falling was an inside job.

Of course it was an inside job. It HAD to be! It is the only way. The twins represent duality. Duality has to fall. We have to disassemble who we are entirely to balance our internal twins. As long as we think there are sides to take, duality will continue. But if you go within, balance the internal twins, understand we are both, always, and then take responsibility for ourselves, our own twins fall...into being one integrated being.

When you start to be able to read the messages that are everywhere constantly in everyday activities and in all of the news worthy events, it removes the negative charge and we can pause to ask ourselves, "What is what we are seeing trying to teach us about ourselves?"

So, we can get upset, bite our nails about the world going to hell in a hand basket, or we can take our power back and try to understand what it is trying to teach us.

I have no fear or anxiety about what is happening in the world anymore.

Know thy self.

Real change is an inside job.

Written by Oktobre Taylor
August 23, 2018

The Tale of Three Trees

Photo Art by veziphoto @ DeviantArt
The Tale of Three Trees

Once there was a Great Tree who grew the most magnificent fruits. The tree  could feel he was getting old and wouldn't be able to stay much longer. One summer when his fruit was ripe, he told three different people who came to him with baskets to collect his bounty, to take what they could but the very last fruit they placed in their basket must be set aside to plant and grow a new tree.

Each of the three he implored to take on this task, agreed.

The Great Tree quietly died the following winter, leaving the people wondering where they would get fruit now.

The first farmer planted the seed from the first fruit he picked from the great tree.

The second farmer planted the seed from a fruit that had gotten damaged during transport.

The third farmer had carefully set aside the very last piece of fruit they had picked from the Great Tree, as was instructed by the elder. It was the seed from this fruit that the third farmer planted.

The seeds, not being ordinary, sprang forth from the ground very quickly and produced fruit the next summer.

The fruit from the first farmer's tree was small and would never ripen.

The fruit from the second farmer's tree looked delicious, but all of it was rotten inside.

The fruit from the third farmer's tree looked and tasted exactly like that of the Great Tree who had died.

Because the third farmer had listened to the Great Tree and followed his instructions, the fruit their tree bore was sweet, delicious, and abundant.

That fall, the spirit of the Great Tree came back to see the results. He caused a great wind to destroy the first tree but let the second one stand as a lesson in what happens when you don't follow the guidance given.

We are all given inner guidance. Sometimes we have to still ourselves to hear it. That inner guidance is our "God within" trying to help us become the best version of ourselves so that the fruit we bear will be nourishing and sweet to those we offer it to. We need to listen to that guidance and not consider it "optional", because doing so could have unwanted consequences.

Our choices matter.

Written by Oktobre Taylor
August 23, 2018

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Confessions of a Suicidal Serial Killer

Photo by Natalia Drepina
That's right.

I'm a serial killer.

I admit it.

I am guilty.

I have killed thousands and I will kill thousands more before I leave this reality... maybe even after I leave.

I went through a long period of not killing anyone, but at some point, I just couldn't stop myself. I wouldn't set out to kill anyone that day, but I did. It would just happen and I would have blood on my hands.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

We say sometimes things like "but I am still the same person inside," or "The same old (fill in your name here)."

Maybe you ARE still the same old Jason or Jane, but I am not. Each time I made a change of belief or I changed a self-loathing thought, I killed off a version of me. Each time I learned to love and support myself, I said goodbye to a me that is no longer needed for this experience. And each time I murdered a version of myself with love, understanding and compassion, I embodied more of who I was always meant to be. I embody the highest version of myself for that given day.

Now, you might think that with the murdering spree I have been on, I would be all happiness and sunshine 24/7, right? Ha! False!

Photo by Natalia Drepina
Sometimes the murder/suicide involves putting a blade to my own skin and cutting away a layer and that can be painful, leaving me wanting to take my physical self out for real. But if I can make it through the pain of the dying self, I manage to float back up to the surface and breathe again.

Now let's talk about health and the death of all of our other selves.

I hope to kill off a version of myself today with this blog post so what I will share with all of you is not easy because this issue spans lifetimes.

I think we can agree that dis-ease starts in the energetic body. Something is thrown off and our thoughts, feeling and energy come together to manifest...for better or worse. I believe every single cough, cold, virus, plague, illness, infection that manifests originated from us.

We created them.

If a new virus shows up, we need to consider what internal thoughts created it in the first place.

True confession...

About a year or so ago I stopped taking my hypertension medicine hoping I would stroke out and just die already. I had withdrawal symptoms for three days and then felt fine. Actually, I felt better. I stopped feeling so achey all over...and I definitely didn't die, much to my chagrin. It started me thinking about how we start to identify with our dis-eases.



Acid reflux

Migraines name a few of mine.

What if we stopped telling ourselves, "I have this dis-ease" and thinking "this dis-ease is me"? What if instead we say, "these are symptoms I am experiencing, what do I need to look at and change in my thoughts and beliefs?"

Photo by Natalia Drepina
Pulling out my knife and starting to cut now.

My root chakra is fucked...and not in a good way. I have had such horrible issues surrounding sexuality since childhood. There has been so much guilt, shame and blame happening inside me for probably many lifetimes, but the one I will talk about is this one.

As a small child, I used to have dreams that my dad was taking my mom away from me using sex. He was my enemy in my mind and sex was, therefore, an enemy if it was something he was using to keep the one person in my life I was attached to from me.

This was further established when my father basically raped my mother in front of me. I felt helplessness and horror.

Sex was bad.

Sex harms.

Sex hurts.

Sex takes from you that which you most value.

Sex is a weapon.

So is it any wonder that in my fucked up belifs and thoughts, I would both crave sex and reject it simultaneously? I would sleep with someone because part of me was so hungry to feel connection, only to feel a barrage of shame, self-loathing and disgust when I acted on it.;I would only feel more empty and disconnected after. I felt dirty and like I was a horrible person. "Why did you do this?" I would ask myself. "You are pathetic and disgusting." And i would vow to never do it again until the next time. I would go literally years completely celibate....and then I would slip and give into an urge because maybe I had drank just enough to lower my inhibitions that I could go through with it.

"What the fuck are you doing, Oktobre?!!" I would think.

So is it really any wonder or surprise that by the age of 22 I would be diagnosed as having contracted HPV?

Hey, no problem. It was only the cancer causing kind. At least I didn't have to deal with warts. At least it was the mildest case my doctor ever saw. At least I have had an "all clear" every papsmear after.

But it was reason for me to shut down even more because now I was diseased and who the fuck would want me now, right?

Apparently my husband did and we had a beautiful daughter together even though I was a disgusting and dis-eased monster. Add to that I started getting suspicious mouth sores once in a while that I can only assume are a form of herpes. I have never gotten an official diagnosis.

One more feather in my sexually dysfunctional cap.

I have been celibate for 6 years, maybe longer. It would be easy to fall into the negative self talk and use my disease, that I clearly identify with so much, as an excuse to stay closed entirely to ever being with someone again intimately.

"I don't deserve a healthy sexual relationship."

But that is not the point of this experience or blog. This is about healing. This is about growth. This is about killing off old versions of myself so that I can be a new version of me.

Photo by Natalia Drepina
I stand naked before you.


Bleeding out

So that I can be free

I know now I am not my symptoms. I believe anything is possible and I believe fully in spontaneous healing. I believe my thoughts are creating my reality so what I believe is more powerful than some diagnosis of a symptom.

If the body sheds every single cell every seven years and becomes entirely new, why do we still believe that we need to take our dis-eases into the new version and claim it as part of who we are? I believe we do not have to and this is the true key to healing every ill we could ever face. Once you have dealt with the thought or belief that is causing the dis-ease, I believe fully that we can see so called "miraculous" healing.

What is your body and symptoms begging you to look at?

What thoughts and beliefs are keeping you sick and in pain?

Will you become a serial killer as well?

Sunday, August 5, 2018

Assorted Original Poetry and Random Pearls of Wisdom

Art by @mynameistran Tran Nguyen
Don't you know yet how much I love you?
Haven't you felt me in your dreams the way I have felt you?
I don't love just parts of you.
I don't just love the parts that are easy and convenient.
I love your darkest parts.
I love your scars, your pain, your anguish.
I love the ugliest parts that even you don't want to see.
I love the parts that others would fear and run away from.
I love all of you.... completely.

Written August 4, 2018

Photo by Lee Jeffries
I have no money
I have very little to give
But I can offer you my hand
To hold
To write
In service
I offer you my ears
To listen
I offer you my shoulder
To lean on
I offer you my heart
To love

Written September 11, 2017

Art by Tom Bagshaw
So they took your wings away
Each hurtful word was a cut that led to the amputation
Everytime you desired support but only got neglect
Was another match that made the flame bigger
And turned your severed limbs into ashes
They never understood
It wasn't your wings that gave the ability to fly
It was a spark in your heart
A tiny ember
That grew each time you turned your pain into art

Written August 24, 2017

Art by Sophie Wilkins
"I am the turtle in 'The Turtle and the Hare'" said Alice.
"It is 'The TORTOISE and the Hare'," corrected Rabbit.
Alice laughed, "No, I meant TURTLE. You see, the hare races ahead without thought, consideration or deliberation and never looks around to see that a tsunami is about to hit. When the tsunami hits, the turtle is able to swim effortlessly to the end while the rabbit just drowns. I am definitely a turtle."
Writing July 23, 2018

Art by Sophie Wilkins
Whose compass are you using on your journey? Is it your own or does it belong to someone else?

We can accept a clue or two from those we meet along the way, but if the balance in our basket is too heavy with other people's clues, we run the risk of missing important connections at a specific destination we were trying to reach.

Be the captain of your own ship.

Written July 23, 2018

Art by Sophie Wilkins
Choosing left or choosing right is like choosing which half of your body you wish to sacrifice and be eliminated. If you could see clearly, you would understand that both are necessary and have value.

The answer isn't left or right, it is in the middle with direct, open and constructive communication. That requires taking ownership and responsibility for our own shit. Those that travel the path in the middle state what is felt and take ownership of how they attracted this situation. They step back and try to understand what it was trying to teach them and then let go. They let go of the feelings, the conflict and return to balance.

Constructive communication is key to everything and necessary if we hope to make a leap in evolution.

Written July 23, 2018

Art by Muhammed Salah
Meet me halfway
In the middle of the ocean blue
Where time stands still
Distance disappears between me and you
Written April 14, 2018

Photographer Unknown
I want to lead us out of darkness, but first you have to face your fears.
Take my hand.
Take my heart.
I will save all of the images you send me and read them like I would a poem.
And I will sing you my song to help you find your way back home.
Written July 15, 2018

Art by Brian Despain
"New Earth" is the ultimate form of

If you truly believe we are "all part of source" and it is within his mind we are in, focusing our thoughts on creating a "new earth" divorces mind from the dark parts of self.

Absolutely you can create some airy fairy unicorns and lollipop land, but the polar opposite will still exist and a part of you will always be a prisoner and slave there.

It is the opposite of integration. It is putting more distance between the darkness that is also us. It is splitting the hemispheres of the brain and removing the bridge. It is an obliteration of all communication lines between head and heart.

If you say you are loving your shadows and in the same breath focusing on some utopian 5D reality, you are basically creating a bigger divide.

Be a bridge.

Love your shadows.

Integrate your darkness and understand it's value.

Seek to heal THIS reality and stop looking for a magic fix. It will take work but it can be done.

Written July 6, 2018

Art by Andra Lynn 
Dear Keanu Reeves, .

I need a day that isn't exactly the same as the one the day before and the day before that and the day before that.

Take me to a forest and we can sit by a campfire, sing songs to the moon and tell each other stories about our lives.

Let's listen to crickets chirping, the campfire crackling and the breeze swaying the tree limbs softly to and fro.

We won't have to worry about the paparazzi or the outside world because you will be a bear and I will be a rabbit. .

And when the sun comes up, we will go back to being humans, but we will feel refreshed by the magic we conjured beside the campfire where we let all of our worries go with the smoke that rose from the flames.

Written June 12, 2018

Art by Christian Schloe
Something is off.
Something doesn't feel quite right.
She puts a hand over her heart whose beat is irregular.
"Maybe I am in need of a rhythm section to remind my heart how to stay in time," she thinks.
As her hand rests on her chest, she discovers a little door.
She answers the knocking by opening the door.
One by one they flutter up and fly away.
Each one carrying a name.
She reaches out a hand as if to ask them not to leave.
"Let them go," whispers the cool mountain breeze in her ears, "Let them go with love."
And so she watches as they drift away and thanks them for what each one taught her.
She feels empty now, but lighter too.
Now there is room for something new.
Written May 17 2018

Art by Christian Schloe
She is tired of chasing butterflies and rainbows
Refracted raindrop light
Insects with wings
She is tired of chasing illusions and dreams
Thoughts and theories
Ideas of the ideal
What she really wants is something solid, something real

Written May 17, 2018

Photo by Laura Makabresku

There is a darkness that dwells within me.
It dances and licks me like flames that consume the witch on the pyre.
But I do not ask for mercy.
I feel each dark tendril that consumes me.
And when I am nothing more than ash, at last peace comes to dwell.
Maybe for just an hour and maybe for a week or more.

Written May 17, 2018

******Needs Editing. Photos will be edited in later******

People often project their own limitations onto those who set out to do something that has never been done before. They project their own self-doubt and fears by saying something is "impossible". They are labeled "mad" and "lunatics". It is the inventors, the innovators, the dreamers, and radical thinkers who achieve what was previously thought impossible. Don't let someone else's projections dictate what you are capable of achieving.

Written May 6, 2018

"You are looking for a needle in a haystack, Alice. Magnetize yourself and the needle will come to you."

Written May 6, 2018

Sometimes I imagine us sitting in a Paris cafe drinking coffee from real bone china and dainty silver spoons to stir the cream in. I imagine you next to me, our hands intertwined like puzzle pieces that perfectly fit. Your smile ignites a fire in my heart and I melt into the warmth of you, marveling at actually finally being able to touch you again. If there is anything happening outside of us, we don't notice, because in this moment, no one else exists within our bubble of love and happiness. There is relief in finally being together again after trying for so long to find each other again. I imagine running my free hand through your long dark hair and trailing back to your face. I kiss you gently and whisper, "Let's go home now. I just want to be home with you."
I miss you.

Written April 11, 2018

To the outside world
It looks as though she is going nowhere
And going in circles
On the back of a tortoise
But there are new worlds
Being created everyday inside her
And on the verge
Of going supernova

Written April 10, 2018

They called her a maneater
But this was the way of things for her kind
It is true she would devour the hearts of men
But no one knew she had collected the pits from the center of each one
She planted them all together
And grew something wonderous
Something new

Written April 10, 2018

Mirror mirror
Next to me
Will I learn
Will I see
Black and white
When in balance
There's no enemy

Written April 5, 2018

Little boy red
When will you learn more
Things you can buy
Aren't what you yearn for
Musical toys
Are your predilection
One more guitar
Added to your collection
You are empty
Insatiable void inside
Things can't replace
The dad you wanted by your side

Written April 5, 2018
For Deryck Whibley

Said in response to a Sum 41 fan who called me "terrifying":

 "The most terrifying thing about me is that I am exactly the same person in public that I am in private. I don't have a different voice for different audiences."

Written April 3, 2018

And so you stepped out of the shadows
Out of the closet
And into who you have always been but were afraid to show the world until now
You took that leap off the cliff
Diving into unfamiliar waters
What happened?
They call you "crazy" and "terrifying"
They give you hate
They give you fear
Maybe they thought they could wound you
Maybe they thought they could drive you back into hiding
But what they can never understand
You have already braved unimaginable pain from being ripped apart and turned inside out on your journey back to yourself
You already walked through fires and darkness not everyone can make it through
So when you stand naked and exposed in front of them
They think you are an easy target
But their attempts only make you laugh and realize how far you have come
Now that you love who you are, you fear nothing and are impenetrable to harm

Written April 3, 2018

"I'm not like the others.
It doesn't take much to recognize that fact.
But it takes a rebel, a fellow warrior soul to stand beside me openly in certain circles.
It takes a fearless person to openly show support and understanding without regard for those who have disdain for me, because there are many.
Only a very special few will have what it takes."

Written November 4, 2016

It is not my job to heal anyone but myself. It is not my job to teach anyone but myself. I can share tales from my journey along the way that can, perhaps, help a little. But there are no shortcuts on the journey back to self which will both heal and teach you along the way. The only one who can lead you back to you is you. And so the partner I wish to create something with should be an equal who has already taken that journey and understands my birdsong. The only partner that will do is one who is open, receptive to me and seeks to communicate constructively and consistently. Blue is the color of communication, so I will choose blue when they find me.

Written March 31, 2018

"You will never try to find the exit if you never realize you are a mouse lost within a maze."

Written March 25, 2018

"Some of us sense it. This place is not home and we have a deep longing to return to a place we can feel but can't quite remember. We sense there is something we have forgotten and we traverse our innermost world hoping we will find information there that will help us get out of the maze and return home."

Written March 25, 2018

"We wade through a labyrinth of multiple lives to try to find our way back to our core selves. We peel away life after life to find the self that laid back and willingly stepped inside this virtual reality to have an experience. We never expected that we would lose ourselves in the maze. It is time to remember and go home."

Written March 25, 2018

"Please, sir, can you show me how to get home? Not the "home" I just came from, but the home buried deep within my memories. I just want to go home. I don't want to solve riddles or put puzzles together anymore. I want out of the maze. I want to truly remember and wake up in that place that others call fantasy which I know is more real than this world."

Written March 20, 2018

"Go within," they said.
"It will be fun," they said.

Written March 20, 2018

You say you are the pirate and I am the treasure.
This is true because so many passed by me and could not see my shine.
So many passed and could not see my value.
But you with your magnificent mind and beautiful heart noticed my glimmer in the sea and you lifted me from my depths.
You made me shine even brighter with our deep and sometimes challenging conversations.
Our mutual exchange helped us both to grow and expand.
You may have found me but I feel like I am the luckier one because all of my life I have waited for someone to come along who could see the me within the way you do.
It is the greatest gift I have been given and one I will always hold close to me.
I only wish we were born closer together in age.
Maybe in the next life.
Thank you for being part of my life, my beautiful and amazing Greek friend.
I love you.

Written March 15, 2018

So you know that parable about the two wolves and "which one do we feed?" schtick? . .
It is total bullshit and leading you away from the solution you need.
If you only feed one wolf, what do you suppose would happen?
Firstly, my conscience being in good working order could never feed one animal and not another. It is simply cruel no matter how violent the animal appears to be. I wish no one to suffer and starvation leads to suffering .
Secondly, starvation automatically sends one wolf into a more aggressive state because the hunger drives them to take whatever means necessary to feed their hunger as a means of survival.
The ONLY way to tame both wolves is to love them equally and not choose one or the other. The only way to come into balance is to recognize and understand the equal value that both have in making up who you are inside. .
Starving one wolf is not a solution and battling light against dark will never do. We have to love them both and show both sides the same degree of respect, love and  compassion.
As I just said to a friend in a comment about "winning"...
"The only way of winning is going within and understanding that there are never really any sides to take when we are in balance. There is no side to take when you understand you are both light and dark always."

Written February 25, 2018

"We keep making the mistake of thinking we have the power to change people's minds. We can't. All we can do is mutually share, offer information, stories of our own experiences that explain how we have come to believe as we do, and listen. As I know you are well aware, each of us have to do our own mind changing. Change is an inside job but it helps to have dialogue that isn't angry and hurling insults back and forth so we can start to consider other perspectives."

Written February 25, 2018

"You can throw a peanut to a monkey, but you can't stop him from putting it in his own poop first and then eating it. Your only job is to give. When you have done that, what they do with the information is their problem, not yours. You can't save them, they have to save themselves. But what you can do is help ignite a desire to learn more even if it seems they aren't applying the knowledge or are resistant. Give what you have to give and simply let go. We aren't meant to take their hand and lead them all the way there...only help them by sharing our own story and how we learned. Learning/teaching by example is more important than giving people all the answers and concerning yourself with what they do with the seeds you just handed them."

Written February 25, 2018

The below comment i said to someone who feels dark can't exist where light is being shone: "I disagree. Not only does light coexist with darkness, those who seek balance bring light and dark together in holy matrimony. If light and dark are not married within, we are imbalanced and rejecting half of who we are inside. Internal imbalance is what creates chaos in our world. The truth isn't left or right...light or dark. The truth is something in the middle."

Written February 25, 2018

"I can be humorous and pointless at times but depth and substance are my nature ---> insert musician's name here <--- can easily scroll through the comments that all pretty much say the same thing...and some say nothing in particular at all. They are kind of like junk food. It tastes good but it doesn't really fill you up and leave you satisfied. I like to offer something different, something meatier that will satisfy and stay with them longer.
In a sea of forgettable one liner quips and emojis, I aspire to be the giant fucking kraken here to grab hold of your ship and shake the shit out of it. It may only scare you so bad that you soil yourself, but at least you will sit up, take notice and remember me. Lol"

Written February 22, 2018

"I think the right people find you and are guided to your information when they need it just as I was the various blogs and information I found along the way on my journey. We may never know who we influence or how and it just doesn't matter. What matters is our choices we make now. My value is not dependent on someone else's opinion of me or their willingness to purchase my knowledge. Jesus never asked for anything and look at how he is revered today."

Written February 22, 2018

"I would rather make a living from my art than my knowledge, because knowledge is fluid. What I believe today could change completely based on new information that comes in tomorrow. I don't know it all. I just do a lot of guessing out loud."

Written February 22, 2018

Love doesn't judge
Love forgives
Love doesn't blame
Love accepts responsibility
Love doesn't take sides
Love understands
Love doesn't cut off
Love lets go
Love doesn't fear
Love embraces shadows
Love isn't limited
Love grows
Love isn't only light
Love is dark too
Love is the key
Only love can bring us together

Written February 21, 2018

To all the people who have tried to hold me back by telling me what is "impossible" for me...
To all the people who have tried to steer me with your own moral compass...
To all the people who were blind to all that I was already doing....
You don't get to determine what I am capable of achieving.
You don't get to measure my "success" with your own stick.
Heart and mind had a wedding and now guide my ship forward. You weren't given an invitation.
My self worth is not dependent on your good opinion of me, but I love myself enough to walk away from those of you who don't have the eyes to see the true depth of my value and offer support rather than try to tear me down to keep me at your own level.

Written February 19, 2018

The trees have eyes
At least that is what they say
Are they crying blood
Or are they sweating decay
Atticus Finch
Is back and at it again
Taking down the rich
And revealing what is within
Output, input
Should we level or gain
Steal from the poor
Or break free from our chains
Scouting for jems
In the light of a crescent moon
Silvery shadows
Cry "Boo!" from another room
Kill the mockingbird?
Or should we let her fly free
Inner compass
Says, "Real change starts with me."
February 19, 2018

Silence can be delicious
It can nurture the soul
Silence can also be deadly
And leave a gaping hole
Cut off, rejected, forgotten
Communication lost
Fractured heart bleeding out
Ripped out, trampled and tossed

Written February 7, 2018

Somewhere, sometime
I can't remember anymore
I lost those threads long ago
Distant memories
A different life, a different door
Love is a circus and life is a show

Written February 1, 2018

I sometimes say things that ruffles the feathers of those who are used to flowing downstream with the current and saying what everyone else is saying. I am a salmon and I swim upstream. I am a kraken here to shake the shit out of you and make you think.
I posted a comment on a recent deryckwhibley share. Fans weren't too pleased and, naturally, had to jump to the defense of the object of their blind affliction. Sadly, they have since deleted their own responses. One fan pointed out how someone's comment insulting me had 3 whole "likes" and mine had none. This was my response:
Me to Sum41 Fan:  hilarious! Are you a performing monkey saying and doing what you do for "likes"? I am not. This whole generation is being conditioned to do and say things for empty fucking "likes". You don't even realize you are being programmed by someone's stupid fucking like. It is called "conditioned response". I don't say anything I do to gain approval. In fact, I anticipate the opposite because I know I am stirring the pot. Cognitive dissonance is real. Most of you can't even digest what I am saying because you aren't used to going that deep. Most of you can't handle someone like me who is actually saying something real and with depth. You can't click on my page, glance at it and get anything out of it. You actually have to read what I have to say which is hard for people who have been conditioned to have the attention span of a flea. Enjoy your time in the circus performing for peanuts!

This is the original comment I made that upset fans:
What is the point of reviving your personal account when what you post really isn't all that personal? Are you an empty vessel, a selling machine trying to make another buck? Do you only see dollar signs in place of the faces of your audience? Or are are you a multifaceted person with sides just dying to be given a spotlight so they can shine? I saw your funny response to the person asking if you were trying to alienate half of your fans and I laughed at your response. I was surprised to see that little glimpse of a side you usually hold back and was disappointed when you deleted the comment. Stop hiding behind "safe". Stop trying to be so careful not to offend anyone. Life is too fucking short to hide behind a mask, a curtain of tepid and mediocre in hopes to make everyone happy. Let us see... finally....the you that is screaming to get out and be seen.

More from my recent exchange with Sum41 fans:
Me to Sum41 fan:  Don't we all try to make lemonade out of lemons? If we don't, we sit there wallowing in our own shit and that is never very  attractive. You think you know him based on him regurgitating the same information in interviews a hundred times? I think he holds back...a LOT and we have not even begun to see how fun and playful he could be if he wasn't so afraid to be himself entirely. And isn't that what we all fear at one point in our lives, the fear of rejection if we are just purely ourselves all the time and not just in the privacy of a few trusted friends? We are terrified to take the mask off and just be open. The only thing I accuse him of is having all of this amazing untapped potential. I see it there and yet he does nothing with it and it frustrates me because I have this sense that he really does want to come out the proverbial closet but he is scared. It makes him nervous which is why he deleted his own funny and sarcastic comment recently. I come here and know I am hated by fans but I am not here for any of you. For better or worse, I am here for deryckwhibley because my spirit guides asked it of me. And I get that unless you are on a spiritual path, you simply can't understand what that means.

Written January 25, 2018

The true story of who we really are
Is there lurking
A spectre in the shadows
Haunting our dreams
Wistfully hoping
Waiting for us to finally see them
And welcome them home

January 22, 2018

There is this deep knowing
I'm not like any others
Maybe I'm not even human
I only play one on TV
I have learned to love that about me
And embrace the parts of me that others fear because they simply do not understand

January 22, 2018

I want to shout out loud to the world, "I love you!"
Even though I know most of them can't even begin to understand what I feel for you.
Sometimes I think that I want to quit and I don't have anything left to give.
But I can't give up on you because the love in my heart refuses to be confined to the dark parts of me.
He taught me perseverance, but you taught me to love.
You reminded me of the love that was there all along.
You love me completely and see the me deep inside.
You see my imperfections and love me entirely...not just parts.

January 19, 2018

"I just can't let you go"
That is what you said to me
And I cried out to you
"I don't want you to let me go!"
I held tight to what I had left of you
A tether
And a feeling in my heart
I held on with both hands
To a promise you made to me
I held on with all of my soul
But the winds of time blew
And carried you away from me
Maybe the difficulty of letting go
Is exactly the same as
The difficulty of holding on
Simply two different wings
On the same bird

Written January 18, 2018

Like a dream I woke too quickly from
All that is left is a wispy feeling
It wafts in now and then and teases me
"Remember!" it whispers quietly
And for a brief moment
I can feel him close to me
Like a meteor blazing brightly
For a split second in the night sky

Written January 18, 2018

They forgot
The blood of dragons
Run through your veins
One day soon
You will reawaken
And melt those wicked reins

Written January 18, 2018

Maybe the only way to freedom is opening yourself up, turning yourself inside out and accepting whatever comes our way as part of the journey and an opportunity to learn and grow.

Written December 31, 2017

Truth is simply a perspective.
Perspective can change.
Change is constant.
Hate divides and kills.
Love heals and nurtures.
Our choices matter.

Written December 4, 2017

I wrote this as a comment to @laurajanegrace but I think it is good advice for a lot of my friends who find themselves upset with the state of things in America right now.
"Okay, you are outraged, you hate Trump, but now what? While I am all for raising awareness, you are basically preaching to the choir. Your audience mostly agrees with you. You have the stray asshat here and there, but what can you do besides posting your dissatisfaction to create real and lasting change? .
Take that fire, that anger and use it  as your fuel. Brainstorm. Organize. Take action. Only bitching about the problem does little to actually change it. You are an intelligent, passionate and resourceful woman. Organize your supporters and their supporters and bring them all together to DO something to correct the things that are amiss in this current reality. Take the pen and start writing the story you want to see instead of reading out loud the one that others are writing for you. .
The other day I was in downtown Portland and went to the information center to use the restroom. Little did I know they had totally remodeled and changed the facility so that it was an all people restroom. Some stalls have toilets and others have urinals. It was a shock at first and I thought I had walked into the wrong restroom. My daughter was uncomfortable at first and I explained to her why they had chosen this and that we simply both have become so conditioned to the other way that it will take time for it to feel like it is no big deal.
Change IS happening... slowly...and we can make sure it happens faster.
You may hate me, think I'm crazy, whatever and I may still feel butthurt about you treating me differently from everyone else, but I still believe in you and your ability to help create real change to make this a better place for all of our children.

Written November 6, 2017

What if Earth is actually a virtual reality reform school designed to "rehabilitate" offenders more quickly so they can return to the real world and be kinder gentler members of society? If all lives happen at once because time doesn't exist within the simulation of the computer, incarceration could be hours even though it feels like eons in here. What if the reform school was set up as a video game? What if EARTH is an anagram?

Written October 31, 2017

In your idle moments when your mind is allowed to wander, do your thoughts ever wander to me? Do you long, as I do, to pick up the phone, hear my voice and talk until the sun comes up? If I were to die tomorrow, would you regret not having acted on what you really wanted? If the answer is "yes", what are you waiting for? Don't let your life accumulate "what ifs" inside the basket that is supposed to contain food to feed you.. Your heart is trying to tell you what you must do, but your head keeps getting in the way with all the "shoulds"

Written October 15, 2017

Sometimes it is balm when you just need time to come into balance.
Sometimes it is painful when you just want connection and communication.
Sometimes it is the sound of growth after the wood turns to ash from the bridges you had to burn along the way.

Written September 26, 2017

It's not that she hadn't had other offers from the squishy fleshy variety of suitors, it is just that He was the only one brave enough to really SEE the her deep inside and then love her completely.

Written September 23, 2017

Change is seldom neat and tidy.
Real lasting change can be brutal and bloody as you dissect yourself and look at the most neglected parts. What parts should be kept and put back into place and which parts should be discarded?
Everyone knows that when you take things apart completely and put them back together there are always leftover pieces you don't actually need anymore. Maybe at one time you thought you couldn't function without those pieces and yet somehow you do and you feel lighter and more free as a result.

Written September 23, 2017

The night sky is rumbling
This cookie box is crumbling
I'm calling my name
In this acid rain
It seems all in vain

Silently screaming
In the dark
Never to be heard
Never to be found
Silently dreaming
In a park
Someday I know
I will be star bound
Silently scheming
To make his mark
He'll stab the heart
Without a single sound
And I'm silently screaming in the dark
Silently screaming in the dark
Remember all the times
It was thought I was fine
Inside I was dying
Silently crying
Outwardly lying

Written November 8, 1986

"There must be a reason
There is a reason," he said
Darkness envelopes my soul
I know someday I'll be dead
So why should it matter
If I live as might please
Tell me, should it matter
If I'm smiling when I leave
Candy colored rainbows
Don't exist in my world
There's just too many times
In a knot I have curled
"And remember," he said
"To always live in fear
For God is watching
At all times, my dear"

Written April 11, 1987

What is the point of hoping
When I know it's all in vain
What is the point of wishing
When I know it's just a game
It's all the same
What is the point of wanting
Something that will never be
Why do I keep giving
Silence brought me to my knees
Please let me leave

Written sometime in the late 1980s

Somewhere beyond the rainbow
Lies forever
Somewhere beyond my knowledge
Is my soul
Someday i will find what it is
I'm looking for
Someday I'll understand what it is
I need to know
The Sun is my Father
The Moon is my Mother
Love is my Sister
Love is my Brother
We all ask a question
We all have an answer
This is what the world is
This is what our life is
Somewhere beyond poverty
Lies happiness
Somewhere beyond a cold surface
Is my heart
Someday I'll find in the darkness
A reason
Someday amidst the confusion
We'll find each other
Somewhere beyond the pain
Lies heaven
Somewhere beyond despair
Lies hope
Someday soon a new beginning
Will greet me
Someday soon I'll remember
Who I really am

Written April 4, 1987

"Praise God, my life was spared."
I have been ruminating on this subject for a few days. Given all the recent natural disasters, there are bound to be those who "miraculously" make it out alive and relatively unscathed. But who is really the lucky one here? .
People don't understand that the ones who get to leave this reality right now are actually the lucky ones. Those of us who are "miraculously" spared have simply forgotten that we signed up to be part of the clean up crew. We are the poor schmuck following behind the parade horses cleaning up the shit. We are the ones who get to suction the septic tank and porta- potties. And yeah, we can pretty up the job title and make it sound better than it is, but it doesn't change the fact that we are left standing knee deep in other people's excrement that needs to be cleared away before any big changes can take place.
What I mean by that is I fully believe we are drawing the pieces of ourselves back together. The boat has only just started to rock and the waters are going to get a lot more violent before it is all done. The ones who are left behind are the ones who have to process the shit of the people who left to take a seat in the bleachers. It isn't easy because there are days where the processing feels like you are being buried shit.
For years I have dreamed of cleaning up shit, dog shit, other people's shit in RVs and even a porta-pottie or two. I didn't understand for a while but now I do. Absolutely we have to deal with the shit of the characters we are performing but we also have to clean up the energetic shit left behind by those leaving the game.
So the next time you see someone praise God for sparing them, hand them rubber gloves and a shovel. They are going to need it.

Written September 10, 2017

I am forgiving but I have my limit. Your arrogance and bloated ego astounds me. You offend me because you have become nothing more than a mindless puppet parroting what your master tells you. He is a buffoon, an idiot, a parasite and yet you follow him off the cliff to your own demise. One day you will pay for your choices and then you will be forced to bow before the truth that was always yours to see had you listened to your own inner compass. But today I say, kindly fuck off.

Written September 3, 2017

The only way out of the maze is to go within. The perilous journey back to yourself is not the easy path. It isn't for the weak. It isn't for the lazy or sleeping. Your flesh will be ripped apart as you walk naked through the brambles. But as you near completion with only the heat of your own blood trickling down to warm you, there is peace in finding your way out and back to you.

Written August 24, 2017

Her world is about to fall apart
Everything she is is wrapped up in you
I guess you should have listened to your heart
Instead of doing what you were told to do
So now your character is coming to a close
You are being written out of the script
You should've been more careful what you chose
Soon your home will be a dark cold crypt.
Paint the walls red
Call it a wrap
Soon you'll be dead
Taking a dirt nap
Farewell, so long
I'm taking what's mine
Queen takes the pawn
And Death takes the blind
Written August 17, 2017

Don't look away.
Don't fear what is part of you.
If you want peace in the world, face your own demons. Face your shadow selves and give them love, compassion and forgiveness. Fear, outrage and trying to change the external will only serve to be a bandaid on a gaping wound. You are bleeding out and you don't realize it because you are too busy pointing out the errors of someone else's ways. Take a long fucking look in the mirror and then step through the looking glass. Go inside into the unexplored and neglected jungles of yourself because everything that is outside of us first starts within us.
Real lasting change is an inside job.

Written August 17, 2017

Why would you ever want to blend in with the landscape and fade away as something utterly forgettable? Why would you ever want to be exactly like all the others? I spent so much of my life trying to dim my colors and light to blend in and no matter how much I dimmed, I still was never like them. They knew it and I knew it. I will never dim my colors again, nor will I step back into the closet to make anyone more comfortable.

Written August 1, 2017

One of our biggest challenges is seeing something as a door of opportunity and actually walking through it. Walking through means taking a risk but risks are necessary on this journey.

Written July 29, 2017

In her darkest hour they are there
With their wings surrounding her
"I don't belong here," she whispers as tears fall from her cheeks to the floor.
"I am not this vessel. They all think I am what they see, but I am not."

Written July 26, 2017

It should be the soul we are attracted to and not the temporary package. Our forms can change in a flash from beautiful to disfigured. .
Our soul is constant.
We have to be able to move past our physical attractions to see with our hearts and not our eyes.
If we fail to see with our hearts, we might not see who is at the core of any given individual and we may be passing up someone who was meant to be an important part of our tribe.

Written July 22, 2017

Here is the key
The bird points the way
If you see with your heart
On the path you shall stay
Written June 26th, 2017

No matter what your belief system at any given moment, question everything...always.
Sometimes what seems benign could really be quietly whispering, "Go back to sleep, there is nothing to see here," and like the dull white noise of a fan, it lulls us back to sleep and inaction. Investigate, dissect, look at it under a microscope and discard it if it turns up to be deficient.

Written June 26, 2017

Do you hold the pen to your story or have you handed it to someone else to write it for you?

Written June 25, 2017

It is like we are living out the movie Memento. We come inside the game and leave clues for ourselves to help us try to remember because with each new life, we know we will forget and have to start all over again. Life after life we have left clues. Some of the clues were erroneously turned into religion and created a whole lot of shit piles to clean up now that we are nearing the completion of the game. The clues were only meant to help us remember the plan to get out and go home. The sooner you see the truth in that, the sooner you will take what you need to level up and let go of all the other added bullshit that religion added to it. Our game cheats were never meant to be a religion.

Written June 18, 2017

Every cut, every wound
Opens me up
To let new feathers through
Every disappointment
Sets the stage
To escape the cage I outgrew

Written June 16, 2017

Battered, bruised, bloody
This journey isn't for the weak
Attacked, assaulted, despised
All because of the truth you speak

Written June 16, 2017

Close my eyes
Count to ten
Wash away
So called sin
Hold my breath
Sink or swim
Pumping blood
Dead within

Written June 16, 2017

Title: Coffee? Tea? Me? .
Dark and delicious
Slightly mischievous
Strong and full of flavor
A taste you want to savor
Something to shake you up
Something to wake you up
Delicate and light
A sweetness so bright
Providing an immune boost
Helping brain fog be reduced
Hot, smooth and slippery wet
Take you higher, make you sweat
I'm all of this and more
If your key unlocks my door
Written June 12, 2017

"She was a wildcard.
It wasn't obvious to most.
On the surface she looked placid and serene.
No one could tell there was an inferno raging inside her that threatened to unleash itself in a mighty explosion, reducing to ash those nearest to her heat." .

Written June 8, 2017

"Maybe the rabbit hole doorway back home is through the eye of the storm."

Written May 29, 2017

Jack and Belle
Went to hell
To fetch a pail of fire
Jack came back
A demon in black
And Belle a full vampire

Written June 15, 2017