Monday, December 10, 2018

Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Christ Consciousness


"There is a little truth in all humor."

This is a phrase I have used often. There is also truth hidden in all fiction and art born from creativity. It is how the "other side" of the brain we are in communicates with the side we are in.

Santa Claus is real.

Well, sort of.


The person whose brain we are in is both God and Satan. I have talked about this before. We say that Santa Claus sees and hears all.
He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake
Goodness sake

And this is absolutely true! He really does know everything about each and every one of us. You can't pretend to be a nice person outwardly and be a monster behind closed doors without Him knowing because He is part of each of us. In here, in this virtual reality school, God/Satan is within. You can't spiritually bypass and make it to where you want to be. You can't activate Christ Consciousness unless you go through all the steps that lead you back to yourself, back to your center, back to balance, back to pure, unconditional love.


Christ Consciousness, awakening the Kundalini, activating the merkaba, etc. is developing a relationship with Him, with that part that dwells within. When we develop a relationship with ourselves, the journey is ike building an advanced communication device and allows Him to be be a co-driver. It allows us to hear His guidance clearly. We become a partner and He can come through in our interactions with others and all we do.

I had a dream once where there was a child I was helping whose mother had abused him and sewn his lips closed. What I didn't understand then is that I was that mother who placed Him in a cage and sewed His lips closed. I took away His voice and didn't allow Him to speak when I stopped believing He exists.


This is why the idea that we need to believe in Santa to bring back Christmas Spirit is in our collective. When we die inside, we effectively cage Him and take away His voice. We take away His ability to help us and communicate with us.

This blog post was inspired by the following dream I had last night:
December 10, 2018 I dreamed of Glenn and his wife Jenny. I was at their house for some reason and interacting with their kids. Jenny was pregnant and due to give birth soon, but, for some unknown reason, I was given her belly with the baby. I was going overseas and the child would be born with me but I would bring him back to them eventually after he was born. I was nervous about this but agreed to it. There seemed to be movement and I started to peel the belly with the baby. It was like an apple skin I was peeling away to get to the baby. I could see his little feet moving and I considered how I would feed him.
I started to rouse and tried to process what I had just seen to try to understand the message. I had a knowing that this was about "Christ Consciousness" being born within me. My mind went to what this actually means. "Christ" or "Kristoff" being the central player whose mind we are inside within this virtual reality. He is the boy many of us see on a spiritual journey. Allowing His consciousness to be born within us gives Him a voice but also gives us a direct line to "God/Satan". It can only be born in someone who embraces both parts of Him. Rejecting the darkness is rejecting the feminine. The darkness would be more aptly referred to as "Lucy" or "Lilith"...a feminine figure.
In the Christian Bible in the book of Revelation we are introduced to the "Whore of Babylon" and the "Bride of Christ", but what people don't realize is that they are exactly the same person. One is before she is transformed by her apocalypse...her unveiling of knowledge about herself.
I am a 50 year old woman and I believe in Santa Claus...Saint Nicholas.


I believe in God/Satan.

I believe my journey has made me a suitable bride for Kristoff.

Maybe you see that consciousness as a beautiful glowing woman we can call Kristina. Maybe you see it as a dead musiciana or actor/actress. We each see God/Satan in the way we will be most receptive to that energy. The face the energy wears isn't what is important. What is important is the possibility of transformation if we follow the clues and guidance...no matter how crazy it seems. It is the energy that is the spark that becomes the fire that burns away all that no longer serves our highest good so that we can become the purest version of ourselves.


I often dream of popcorn and never really understood its meaning until this morning. I thought, "When one starts to pop, the rest aren't far behind." And that is exactly the way it will be with those of us on this journey. When one reaches that pinnacle, the rest won't be far behind.

Not all popcorn kernals pop. Whether or not you are one of those who makes it all the way and pops is entirely up to you and the choices you make. If you stay stuck in the lower mind which is closed, fearful, warring, and small, you will never get to experience the elation of popping and becoming all that you were meant to be...free and open.

Will you invite the Christmas Spirit into your heart and believe in Santa too?

Saturday, December 1, 2018

First Impressions, Exploring Keanu Reeves


Sometimes I'm an asshole.

I fully admit it.

On a hunch, deductive reasoning, and a series of signs and syncs, I felt compelled to explore Keanu Reeves as a potential clue on my journey. I reached out to my friend, Sky Phoenix, to ask about Keanu as he had known him back when River was alive. I asked my activist actress friend, Sofia Shinas, about him as well. From there, I started watching interviews...which is where I hit a snag.

I posted some thoughts and opinions on Instagram about what I found to be true in that moment and compared him to Laura Jane Grace to illustrate the differences I felt. The things I listed about Laura are basically the exact same things that I love about myself.


I ended up deciding this had to be a false lead and decided not to explore it further... that is, until I had a dream that basically said, "He is player blue you have been looking for."

Afterwards, I had my past life regression and it was there my higher self said Keanu is watching me and reading me. When I remembered that post, I promptly took it down and hoped he hadn't seen it. But when I went back and re-read an old dream, I was fairly certain he already had.

This is the dream in it's entirety:
December 21, 2014 
The first dream I remember I was working in a restaurant or something but it didn't feel like I was very into my job. I kept eyeing the cakes inside a case and thinking I wanted a cupcake...one with coconut frosting. I am walking around and there are customers sitting having their food. I have co-workers but I can't remember how many. This tall young male co-worker follows me outside and I hug him and he hugs me back. He says something like "is it okay to do it?" And I asked "Do what?" He said, "I am going to kiss you." I smiled. He was tall so I had to reach up. I kissed him and it felt real. I loved the feeling of being in his arms. There was so much comfort there. I started to wake during the kiss. I drifted back to sleep and I seemed to carry on in the dream.

I am still with this tall young guy and we are both really happy. He is attractive. There was something about seeing several young women lined up sitting on chairs. One black girl mentioned liking my guy and thinking they were going to be dating because she had gone out on a date with him but that was prior to him meeting me. Another one of the girls in the chairs seems like a diva and she is talking about how her guy is famous but she seems like an egotistical bitch. I see something on her face and it seems like piercings in the shape of a Christmas tree. The top starts at her third eye and the base ends on the bridge of her nose. I feel bad for the black girl but not bad enough to give up my guy because he and I are really into each other. At some point we are kissing again and I feel his erection and it turns me on but the next thing I know he has turned into a deer and then a donkey. I continued to kiss him. The stag deer entered me and I orgasmed.
I encountered my mom and I was telling her how we met. There was something about me having his penis which sounds weird but didn't seem weird at the time. He had left it with me. Lol and later we were traveling together. We ended up on a farm. It feels like it is my grandfather's house and they want us to mow. So I start the mower and mow but I think that there really isn't grass tall enough to mow. I didn't want to wreck the garden, so didn't mow in there. I seem to recall thinking it was food...alfalfa for the animals. And then I mow under something but the mower gets caught on something. I pull the mower out and something falls out. It is a donkey. I was horrified and looked to see how injured the donkey was. One of his front legs were injured but I was going to try to cover it up and bandage it up. The guy I was with helped me. We tried helping the donkey together. I thought he was going to be okay but was distressed that Grandpa wasn't going to be home for a few days. So I spoke to the woman who was house sitting. I think she was his girlfriend and I told her she should marry my grandfather since my grandmother out of the way. She giggled and said she would be willing if he would. I think it is important to note that my grandfather's name is Thomas. Again, the guy and I get close after taking care of the donkey and this time we have sex. I had another orgasm. What I liked best was just being with him. It felt so comforting and so right. I loved him and remember wanting to tell him so.

I didn't know the donkey was there and I didn't mean to hurt him, but I did.


Fast forward to now.

I continued to study Keanu, but didn't bother trying to watch anymore interviews on YouTube. Instead, I decided to study his body of work. I have recently requested many of his movies from the library to watch. I have also watched what was available on Amazon Prime . It has been interesting, to say the least.

I hated Destination Wedding. It wasn't just the acting (Keanu, deadpan; Winona, whiney and drunk?), but the style of the film. It was JUST the two actors who had lines. Maybe on stage it would have been less cringey, but on film it didn't translate well. We never met the brother or parents or anyone else that would have given the story another leg to stand on. Maybe it would have been more clear it was a comedy. I wasn't amused. Amusement usually comes from being able to relate to one of the characters and I related to neither.


I have this sense that Keanu doesn't have to choose to do a movie just for the paycheck. He chooses a movie because he is interested in the script and/or helping someone realize their dream of seeing a story become a moving picture. There have been hits and misses. Some of his movies that didn't do as well, I actually loved. Generation...Um and Siberia both have characters who clearly have a lot going on internally but don't express it easily.

With 47 Ronin and Man of Tai Chi, I had a sense he was using the movies as a means of exploring his Asian roots. I had a sense of someone who was trying to find his place in the world and where he belongs. A lot of us do explore our ancestoral roots who have a shakey family foundation. We skip the ones we have no connection with and explore the ones we know nothing about because we can imagine that maybe they were better people than the parent(s) we couldn't have a solid, healthy relationship with.


Man of Tai Chi, which Keanu directed, turned out to be a glorious unexpected treasure. Typically, I'm not an action/fight film kind of person, but Man of Tai Chi had a flowing story that was deeper than just having fight scenes. It also made me feel nostalgic and reminded me of all those late Sunday nights I was allowed to watch Kung Fu Theatre with horrible dubbing.

Tonight I watched A Scanner Darkly and The Watcher. I love Keanu as the bad guy. He does "dark" well. In The Bad Batch as The Dream, he was just wonderfully weird. In The Neon Demon, he was terrifying.

Like one of his past life selves (ask me if you are curious), Keanu studies people and he adopts little nuances for the characters he portrays. I too study people, but more to understand and learn rather than to mimic and borrow from them. I feel I have a learned a great deal about him through his work, through intuition, through dreams, and through some of the people he used to be in other lives.


At the beginning of my spiritual journey, I developed a meditation space in my head I would go to during meditation. I collected a number of photos I found in Google searches as inspiration. One of the things my meditation space had was a cave. You can't tell much about it on the outside, but when you ventured in, I would imagine a beautiful cave with a glowing amethyst ceiling. There was a body of water that was naturally warm and the bottom was covered in shimmering fire opal.


I have come to the conclusion that Keanu is like my magical cave...only the cave he is is bigger, more profound and more varied in what it offers. It is likely the most epic cave you will ever encounter that will change you completely once you have experienced it.


Any avid spelunker will tell you that part of the reason they go into caves is that the mystery draws them in. There is also a certain amount of risk and danger that is exciting. Darkness can be both frightening and beautiful. With a head lamp to light the way, you carefully step, navigating the boulders and scooting on your belly through narrow openings to discover what few have dared to see. Once fears are faced, deep inside, there are treasures to be found in various locations and none are alike.


This is exactly what I feel about Keanu. He is all of those things and more. Exploring him and discovering some of who he is has pleasantly surprised me. I have so much respect for ALL that he is, not just the sweet, kind and gentle parts.

So, after all of this gushing about someone I think is truly remarkable, would I call myself a fan? Definitely not. I would call myself a supportive and loving friend who would embrace him warmly and welcome him home to the part of him that lives in my heart should he choose that.

**About the photos**
None of the photos belong to me but were saved in 2013 as inspiration for my mental meditation space. If you own one of the photos, would like me to give you credit or remove it, please contact me and I will comply with your preferences.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Conscious Creating, Focus and Facing Fears

Art by Takato Yamamoto
Last night, I made the mistake of watching a horror film that my ex (it's complicated) was watching. I stood in the kitchen half watching. A couple times he asked if I was sure I wanted to watch it. I said I did. Toni Collette was in it and I think she is a talented actress, so I watched.

The sister is obviously having an allergic reaction. She can't breathe so she is sticking her head out of the window trying to get air. The brother swerves to miss something in the road which created the perfect storm. The sister's head is taken off by a pole. We see it in the road later while we hear the mother wailing in anguish over the loss. 

That was just the beginning.

I often wonder if the actors playing these roles experience genuine trauma from performing them. Of course, they know it isn't real, but they have to dig down far enough to feel what their character is feeling. They experience it with their character and, thus, let the thoughts and feelings of the character into their mind. And since our thoughts create our reality, everything we experience and take on board influences those thoughts.

"The Eternal Throne" by Paolo Giradi

After I watched the movie, I probably should have watched some funny pet videos to erase the images I saw, but I didn't. When I went to sleep, I had nightmares all night long. I woke up, my heart racing and me being happy to be out of the dream. I don't remember a lot other than flying to get away from those pursuing me. They couldn't fly so they couldn't reach me.

To become a conscious creator means you are cognizant that what we feed ourselves influences our thoughts. Everything we feed our senses impacts the output. What we focus on matters.


When I was only creating on an unconscious level, my subconscious had free rein. I was dead inside, so watching disturbing horror movies didn't affect my sleep or dreams in the same way as they do now. But...I did seem to be attracting a lot more "bad" experiences into my life.

We attract what we focus on and I focused a lot on the negatives that I didn't like and then wonder why I had so much "bad luck". Go back far enough on my Facebook page and you can see what I focused on. I focused on the doom and gloom and all that I feared. I feared a lot. I watched the news and it would make me feel sick. I focused a lot on it. I posted about it to "raise awareness" when all I was doing was spreading fear...a cancer that starts to swallow us whole.

I'm not saying don't try to help others when and where you can, but maybe don't go out looking for misery to wallow in. If it is on your doorstep, then it is there for you and is something for you to learn from.

"The Three Graces" by Edouard Bisson, 1899

Feed your senses things that will help your thoughts create more of what you want. Focus on what you want more of in your life. Listen to beautiful music, take in beautiful images be it on a hike, in a museum, or on social media. Start to create beautiful things that fill you up so much that you want to share it with others. Allow beautiful opportunities that will help you feel excitement, joy and enthusiasm.

This is where I am at in my lessons... learning to simply say "yes" to opportunities and not "yes, but..." "Yes, but" is throwing roadblocks for ourselves in moving forward. It is saying that you don't want to face what you fear. Acceptance and allowing is something I am still working on.

I feel like I have put a lot of focus on love. I have put a lot of love out into the world and I have gotten love back from those around me. My area of great challenge is the romantic variety of love. I have put a lot of time and energy into manifesting a romantic love. 

Yesterday I tried to imagine some "what ifs".

"Loving Your Demons" by Jessica Kristie

What if he suddenly said "I know I love you, let's be together."

My first thought was "Fuck!" and then terror coursed through me.

A thousand "buts" came into my mind.

It has been so long since anyone has touched me. The physical part scares me more than the emotional part. I already love him. He has already reached places where no man has been before...inside the inner sanctuary of my heart. I think stupid thoughts like, "Will I even remember how to kiss?" LoL


I have become so comfortable with trying and giving, that I never really stopped to consider what I would feel or do if I finally caught the rabbit in the dog race. Would I be like the cat who catches the mouse but ultimately gets bored when it doesn't resist anymore? That is my fear. Have I grown enough on my journey not to run? I hope so.

Until that opportunity manifests, I will simply repeat the mantra, "Just say, yes. Accept. Allow. Receive. Risk."

Art by chionomaniaque on Instagram

If you open yourself completely and aim for the stars, magic happens.

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Who Killed Mr. Green in the Ballroom?

Art by Stephen Andrade
I saw a recent discussion about who really killed River at The Viper Room. This individual was upset I had placed blame on Samantha Mathis in a series of posts based on my dreams. I laughed to myself, because who killed "Mr. Green" in the game we are currently playing could be different for each of us. Remember, our thoughts create our individual reality.

To explain this, I will have to give you a list of players I have gotten clues for since I started this journey and who they would be in the game of CLUE.

Art by N. C.  Winters

Mrs. Peacock - Rainbow - Oktobre (me) - Transformed version with all chakras fully functioning.

Miss Scarlett - Red - Deryck Whibley - Root Chakra

Yvette the Maid - Orange - Oktobre (me) - Sacral Chakra

Colonial Mustard - Yellow - Laura Jane Grace - Solar Plexus

Mr. Green - Green - River Phoenix - Heart Chakra

Wadsworth - Blue - Keanu Reeves - Throat Chakra

Professor Plum - Indigo/Purple - Brandon Lee - Third Eye Chakra

Mrs. White - White - Kurt Cobain - Crown Chakra

In my game of CLUE, there were multiple fatalities. The question is, who killed each? The answer is, I did. I killed them all in one way or another.

So, to see in a dream that Samantha Mathis was somehow responsible for River's death is actually seeing how I killed my heart, my love and my partner. My heart drank the poison I gave it and it died. Heart Chakra issues are where most of my health problems stem from. Killing my heart is like putting armor on and saying, "I can't feel anymore."

The murder that happened before that was the murder of my Third Eye. I killed any connection to spirit, the other side and my sixth sense abilities. Brandon represents my third eye and I was shown in a dream where the bullet went in that killed him. It was in the middle of his back which shows a lack of support for the connection to the part of the mind that can see more and connect with information that the normal thinking mind cannot. I remember deliberately turning off that connection to the other side. I didn't want the responsibility and it scared me. Killing my third eye is like putting my hands on my eyes and saying, "I can't see you."

The next fatality was Kurt Cobain. He represents my connection to spirit and all things spiritual. As evidence shows, I blew my crown right off with a shotgun. I shut down, turned off and went into radio silence. It was like sticking my fingers in my ears and saying, "I can't hear you!"

Photo by Ezo Renier
Keanu represents the throat chakra which is all about communication. In a dream once, he was carrying a little girl who was referred to as "the little mermaid" and I took it to mean she was my voice and he was holding her for me until I was ready for her to stand and walk on her own.

And with each one of the living players, I am meant to give them what I needed to give myself. And by learning to give unconditional love, support, and guidance to them, I learned to also give them to myself. I was also able to see former versions of me and witness how and why it was a problem or an asset. I was able to see patterns and work through so much internal baggage. I was able to fall in love with me and THAT is the point.

The reason why I am also the Maid is because she is the sacral chakra. Just recently I had a dream where a woman stepped through the door wearing an orange dress. Sacral chakra to me is about relationships and the person I most need to have a relationship with is myself.

Through doing all the work that was being asked of me, I was finally able to find my voice again.


Now, your cast of characters may be similar or different depending on the clues you are getting. Maybe River represents something different to you than he does to me. Maybe the method of death will look different in your game than it does in mine. You have to take a good hard look at yourself, understand the clues and understand how you, yourself killed off that character in the game.

It really doesn't matter who or what actually killed River. What matters is that you are understanding the messages you are being given if you are guided to specific people. If you fail to step away from the lower mind and narrow thinking, you will fail to grow, expand and transform. You  will fail to become Mrs. Peacock and she will be just another casualty in the game.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Non-physical Celebrity Guides

I have had a series of weird things happen. It started right after I decided it was time to let the non-physical ones go who have helped guide me along the way. I wrote about this letting go and was contacted by someone who was saying I shouldn't let River go. I thanked her for her message, but know deep in my heart that all of the messages I have been getting in dreams and with signs and syncs were telling me it was time to let them all go so that my partner doesn't have to live in their shadow. Nevermind that my partner isn't talking to me right now. It is about symbolically saying that he is my priority. I communed with the non-physical long enough. Now it is time to participate with the physical. Now it is time to actually start living and interacting with the fleshy variety of people.

Shortly after I was told not to let River go, I had a friend reach out and want me to talk with his friend who appeared to have a celebrity connection through signs, syncs and dreams. I complied with his request and found the conversation challenging right out of the gate. She asked me if I had a relationship with Jesus. I laughed and told her that was a loaded question and told her briefly about my past life connection.

She got pretty stuck on her religious beliefs and needed to use words that didn't upset her. Like she needed "prophet" instead of "psychic". It felt like the conversation was going nowhere and all this fear based religious talk was wearing on me. She finally started talking about Jack White and it was pretty clear to me after a short time that she was having psychotic episodes. I politely told her that I felt I couldn't help her and felt we should bring the conversation to a close. I promptly blocked her once I was certain she had seen my final message.

I have talked to a lot of complete strangers on this journey. People reach out to me and lot who also feel they have a celebrity connection on their spiritual journey. This was the first time I truly felt there was mental illness coming into play.

The next day I got a notification for a Facebook story of a friend I don't really talk to anymore who, coincidentally, used to refer to Jack White as her "husband" but I never took it seriously. We stopped talking because I felt really let down by her. I was going through a rough time and reached out to her but only got silence in return. I told her how I felt at the time but considered I had been too harsh. I clicked on her story because of the Jack White connection and was surprised to see a picture of River. I went to her page and she had just posted several photos of River and one where she had referred to River as her "husband". I decided to send her a message and congratulate her on her recent "marriage". lol The response I got back was surprising and not completely different from the woman I had talked to the day before. "Psychotic break" is definitely a phrase that entered my mind.

After all I have learned since River came to me as a guide in 2012, I know that "marrying River" is basically the same as being visited by the Self-love Fairy and it isn't exactly a gentle musical-like, animals singing experience. It has been more like a "walk through the brambles naked with your flesh being torn off" experience. It has been more like a "turn yourself inside out and dissect every part of you" bloody and painful experience.

So, when someone says they feel connected to River, I really do wish them well, but know how hard it can be if they actually follow all the clues he will give them and do the work he is asking them to do. I have seen a lot of people get really stuck on the celebrity persona instead of what they are trying to teach them. They fail to follow the breadcrumbs and clues being offered that will lead them to lessons that will help them grow.

Lots of people have non-physical celebrity guides. Why? Because it is an easy mask that can be worn and used. Usually a lot is out there about their lives and can be used as clues of guidance. It is hard to gather clues from Joe Nobody because there just isn't as much to work with. Think of it as a scavenger hunt and the pieces you are sent to find are parts of you. The celebrities and the clues connected to them are simply a tool and a treasure map. To get stuck on the persona would be erroneous and leave you a mouse chasing it's own tale in the maze rather than following the clues that will take you to the big prize at the end....you. But make no mistake, this you that it can lead you to is the highest version of you and it is magnificent.

Remember...this is a game. A virtual reality.

Are we actually working with the actual non--physical celebrity? Probably not, but it doesn't really matter. The mask gives us a reference point and a way for them to guide us. It is like being blindfolded and having a partner from the other side tell us where to go. There IS a partner and if we listen and trust their guidance, we will find our way out of the maze and back to ourselves.

If you are successful, you will be led to people who will help you look at yourself. You will experience lessons that will help you grow if you are willing to truly look at yourself honestly and then change. And when the journey comes full circle, if you have done all that was being asked of you, you will be transformed completely.

I am not at all the same person I was when I started all of this. I would never ever want to be that old me, either. The me I am today is so much wiser, kinder, and balanced. The me I am today wants to continue to strive to be the best version of me that I can and to continue to grow as experiences come my way.

I value and appreciate every single celebrity I experienced, both non-physical and physical. By looking at their lives, seeing the patterns, the problems and myself in them, I was able to grow, expand and change. I feel I am at a point now where I can say thank you to all of them but ultimately let them all go now.

Thank you, River Phoenix.
Thank you, Brandon Lee.
Thank you, Kurt Cobain.
Thank you, Ava Gardner.
Thank you, Jean Seberg.
Thank you, Frank Sinatra.
Thank you, Isa and Mary.
Thank you, Adolf and Eva.
Thank you, Deryck Whibley.
Thank you, Laura Jane Grace.
Thank you, Dan Reed.
Thank you, Nuno Bettencourt.
Thank you, Dave Grohl.
Thank you, Keanu Reeves.

Best wishes and good luck to all of you out there who are on a journey back to self.


Friday, October 5, 2018

Four Horsemen and the Kundalini Awakening

Art by Oleg Lipchenko
My guides want me to talk about something I have recently come to understand, but I have had to delay it while I writhe in pain. It has been one thing after another over the last week. It started with painful edema, then moved to kidney pain. Today I woke with massive head pain in the third eye region. It has finally dulled enough that I feel like I can put my words together to talk about my important discovery. All of this pain I mentioned will make sense later.

Illustration by Gustave Dore

"Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on!" takes on a new layer for me after what I came to understand yesterday.

Something kept coming back to my mind over and over. At the beginning of all of this, I was shown fours in dreams. I saw four necklaces, four dogs, four phones, etc. But then it changed. There were four hot dogs, but one couldn't be used. There were four pets, but one was sick. There were four bands, but one cancelled at the last minute.

That number four haunted me and I have suspected for some time that it might be related to the four horsemen mentioned in Revelation in the Bible. I had looked before, but I needed more information from the experiences and lessons I was having before I would fully be able to connect the two definitively.

Art by Victor Vasnetov

I made a quick reference list of the four so I could compare it with the people I have been guided to.

White Horse - Archer - Competition
Red Horse - Sword - War/Taking sides
Black - Scales - Value of things
Ashen - Scythe & Famine - Death and Hades

After looking at that list, I determined that it was my White Horse I was missing.

Deryck Whibley is clearly my Black Horse because he is a borderline hoarder. He is all about his things and he has no real regard or generosity for those less fortunate. He is the dwarf in the story of Snow White and Rose Red who wants the treasure all for himself. Don't get me wrong, Deryck has wonderful qualities too. He has SO much potential and yet he chooses to be materialistic and selfish. When I was trying to reach him and wake him up, it was easy to see myself in him. It was easy to see how I had been too sentimental and needed to let go of the things and the past. It was during that time I started purging and getting rid of stuff I had been carrying with me for more than 30 years. I learned so much during my time with the Black Horse.

Laura Jane Grace is very clearly my Red Horse. She was all about raging against what she saw as unjust and taking sides. She speaks out a lot but does little to actually create any real change through action. Again, I could see very well how I had been exactly like her at one point. A trip to my old Facebook posts will show you I liked to speak out on injustices and take sides. Again, Laura is a beautiful person with mountains of potential. Seeing me in her helped solidify my own transformation away from warring with people and taking sides.

I'm not sure who my White Horse would have been, but the lessons of competition have trickled through different people in small ways. Most recently, I feel like I was put through a series of bizarre tests. I think I passed those tests.

The Ashen Horse is Keanu Reeves. I haven't spent as much time studying him as I have the others because he is still new to me. Part of that is due, in part, to the lack of social media presence. It was easier to interact with the other two. I think the fourth horse has a pretty big lesson in that we have to release our fears and a huge fear most of us have at one point is the fear of death. Along with that is the grief we feel when someone we care about dies. Keanu has experienced some significant deaths in his life that seem to have weighed heavy on him. The Mary character grieved so much that it followed her through all of her lives. Keanu lost a partner and a child. Mary, also, lost a partner and child and she never got over it. I felt the enormity of that grief during my past life regression and it is a weight I no longer want to carry.

I think the famine part of the lesson isn't so much about literal famine having to do with food, but famine of the soul. We starve ourselves when we shut down and shut out people. I think Keanu is like me in that he put his heart on lock down so that no one would ever get back in there and devastate him again. In doing so, he starves his own soul and others by not being capable of giving or receiving fully. I feel I can give fairly well, but I am not very good with receiving. I get images of arrows being shot at my heart and they simply hit the barrier and fall to the ground, unable to penetrate the inner sanctuaries.

Illustration by Gustave Dore

I think the added lesson of famine is being able to continue to love and give to someone even when they are not in a place to be able to give to us. All of the lessons teach us an aspect of unconditional love.

These are listed as the first four of seven seals.

I happened upon a Gnostic site that had an interesting excerpt from a book. I thought, "Oh my God! Why did it take me so long to find this nugget of gold?!"

By no means do I believe this is complete because it is missing integration of the information that this is a virtual reality. Some of what has been said in the article, when taking into consideration what I know because of dreams, would alter slightly.

I see a little boy in dreams all the time and, often, I opt to take care of him.

The article mentions when the fifth seal is opened, a person will see themselves dressed in white. I had a dream where I stood in the shower and my Doc Marten boots I was wearing went from black to white. Since that dream, I am wearing white in dreams more frequently.

I seem to be at a point of the sixth seal opening. I have been experiencing and unusual amount of pain, as I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. So, while I feel rather like I would like to check out and skip the pain, I guess it is actually a very positive sign of all the progress and growth I have done.

Here is the article should you be interested in reading it:

https://gnosticteachings.org/books-by-samael-aun-weor/kundalini-yoga-the-mysteries-of-the-fire/885-the-seven-seals.html

Who are the four horsemen in your life? Are you learning the lessons you need to learn to move forward? Which seals have been opened on your journey?

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

A Place Where Three Rivers Meet

Art by Hugh D'Andrade

I watched the movie, "47 Ronin" for the first time today. It is a Japanese tale that was rewritten to include a role for non-Japanese actor, Keanu Reeves. As I watched, I wasn't so much riveted by the samurai true tale it was based on, but the extra storyline of the outsider who was trying to find acceptance and his place in the world, a place where he belongs.

As I watched Kai's (Keanu) struggle to earn acceptance with those around him who he respected, I thought about all the times I went to Native American pow wows thinking I had native ancestry. I hadn't yet learned, thanks to my cousin taking a DNA test, that there is absolutely zero native blood in my people who came before me. I always knew my mom's side was all European, but I had heard all of my life that my paternal grandfather was part Native American. My cousin's mother is sister to my father, so if he has no native genetic markers, then neither do I.

Regardless of my genetic origins, I went to pow wows believing fully that some of my ancestors had been one of them, yet I look entirely white. I have had a deep love for native culture, but was taken back when I experienced the underlying hate of white people. It is understandable, given how many of their people and much of their culture was decimated by the white man. But how can we ever move forward in peace with each other with so much hate and resentment hidden in our hearts passed on from generation to generation?

I was once Facebook friends with a well known Native American author and the hateful things he would say in comments was too much for me. His writings are celebrated by people all over the world, but he didn't practice his own wisdom, which I find tragic. I ended up deleting him as a friend after one of his hateful rants.

I have stopped going to pow wows because they only make me feel like an interloper. I feel like that outcast Keanu portrays in 47 Ronin.
Art by memir/Emir Ă•zbay

As I watched the movie, I wondered if that is how Keanu often feels in life, out of place and uncertain where he truly belongs. I have this sense of someone who is trying to find his place by exploring his roots, but, similar to the movie, he isn't a pure blood. Kai is a half blood, but Keanu has three distinct ancestral lines coming into him. When you aren't really pure enough, you might genetically be a member of them, but you are also not fully accepted by any of them as part of their people, their tribe.

As I considered which lines were coming into him, I understood he is actually something special because the three lines are one from each of the original tribes created that I learned about when I studied ancient Sumerian text and the creation story. The original line of humans created were dark skinned. A line branched off and  became what was considered the light skinned line. This is the line most people know about and is known through the biblical tale of "Adam and Eve". This was the line that gave birth to twins, Ka'in and Aba'el (aka Cain and Abel).

We all know that Ka'in killed Aba'el. What most people don't know is that Ka'in's punishment was to be genetically altered so that he couldn't grow a proper beard, which would forever mark those from the line of Ka'in. A certain number of generations had a good old fashioned curse placed on them where the sons would kill their fathers. Ka'in was sent to the far east with his sister wife and was the start of the third line of humans.

Keanu is where the three lines meet. His mother is of the light line (Caucasian) and his father was part dark (Native Hawaiian) and part line of Ka'in (Chinese).

I thought to myself, "Keanu is the place where three rivers meet and that makes him special."

I initially thought I would base my next Instagran series of three on these thoughts and set out to see if there was a single word that means "where three rivers meet" and was surprised by what I found.

"Kiana" is the Eskimo word for "place where three rivers meet".

I smiled and considered it was fitting that "kiana" is so close to the name Keanu. I have gotten used to all of the "coincidences" that are really clues, signs and syncs leading me somewhere, but they never cease to make me smile because it helps me know I am following the correct trail.

What is that I hear you thinking? There are others who are places where three rivers meet? Aren't they special to me too? Yes and no. It is lovely to have that genetic unification of the three lines in anyone, but I wasn't guided to them as part of my Scooby Doo adventure, so they are irrelevant to me personally until I am guided there.



All of those animal references I get in dreams makes a little more sense to me now when applying the three lines theory to it . Some people are referred to as cats, some as dogs, and still others are birds. I came across an Egyptian image not long ago that brought this idea home visually. The only thing missing is a cat headed person.

I have no profound conclusions. I just thought it was interesting information I wanted to share.

This is the adult version of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" but more like "If Oktobre Watches a Movie". LOL 

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

Forgiveness and Redemption, Loving the Darkness

Art by Takato Yamamoto
Dream Journal Entry: September 4, 2018 I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this is a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white and the other blackness. I heard something about Heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

I woke, saw some pictures my friend sent to me of Shanghai, replied and then went back to sleep.

When I went back to sleep, I found myself traveling to Shanghai to meet my mom. I was surprised that it seemed like all the people in her building were English speaking and none were actually from Shanghai. I think I wasn't going to be there long, which I thought was odd to come all that way only to spend the the night there. I remember seeing actual corn stalks growing inside by a window. I thought it was curious how this could be possible. There was no soil. There were, apparently some odd occurrences happening there. I was being told about them and they were rather dark things that were happening. All of a sudden, the electricity went out and I knew that meant some huge dark energy was coming. I had deja Vu in the dream and remembered how this had just happened in my waking state...the power going out. I braced myself for what was coming. I knew the things I would see would probably be unpleasant. At one point I saw human body parts hanging from inside a large old wood burning stove. I then saw a blue balloon and inside was the severed foot of my dog and I see the rest of her is inside the balloon as well. I am upset by this and am asking if she was dead. I heard she was an animated dead thing. She was still moving. I stopped and said that I didn't want to see this, that it needed to stop and I pushed open a set of red doors that led outside in an attempt to wake up out of the dream. Other people were outside too looking around in the darkness. I started to wake but quickly drifted back to sleep.

Art by Takato Yamamoto
I am back at this place in Shanghai, but now I am outside the building and I am asking what this was all about and I have this sense that this darkness simply needed more love. I had a sense that with my love, the darkness could balance and make different choices. And that is what I said to the darkness, the entity that was there looming, "You don't have to do this. You have taken it too far but you can make different choices. There is a place for you and darkness can be beautiful and help make us better people, but you have to make that choice." And I remember thinking, "I am strong enough to love you and help you understand your own value. I am strong enough to help you come into balance."

Later I saw something about a TV out in a barn and how there was some control being implemented through the programming but I am not sure by what or whom. And in another scene I am seeing something being put into a cylindrical opening in the top back of the head. It looks like wheat or straw and it looks like it is being taken in and ground up and these "people" seemed like both spiritual and religious "people" and were feeding those gathered around them information. I can't remember anything else.

Art by Takato Yamamoto
Comments: This is not the series I thought I would be posting today. Before I went to bed, I had something else planned and then my dreams had other ideas. I think I can make it tie into some of what I wanted to talk about, though.

Forgiveness and redemption IS about loving and understanding the darkness.

We all have karmic baggage to clear out with the people we come together with...and that doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a relationship with them in order to achieve that. It just means you have to understand the lessons you are meant to get and then make different choices, forgive, let go or do whatever the situation requires of you to move on to the next level of growth and expansion.

Dreams have told me that the final person they guided me to also has Mary's rapist on board that vehicle. He was the father of her son who was taken from her. Let's look at the symbolism for a minute.

Mary was 12 when she was brutally raped by a Roman soldier. He stole her innocence. And in turn, when her baby was born, she manifested her "innocence being stolen from her". Her baby boy was ripped from.her arms and taken from her. Do you see how the cycle starts? The soldier likely craved  the innocence he had lost. He became a killing machine to be a soldier. But instead of going within, he sought outside of himself, inappropriately, to take innocence. Yet it never filled him up because what he really wanted to connect with is his own innocence.

When we become conscious creators, we can pause, look at what we are being shown, and make better choices that don't harm others or ourselves further.

From my higher perspective, the Mary part of me can say to her rapist, "I forgive you". She can then say to those who took her baby, "I forgive you," because she can now see and understand how her own thoughts contributed to manifesting the circumstances she found herself in.

Not only can she forgive her rapist, but she can open her arms and say, "I love you and want you to be part of my life." Because the only way she can connect with the one she desires to be reunited with is to forgive and develop a connection and bond with the one she hated most.

Saturday, August 25, 2018

The God of the Underworld

Art by Yannick Bouchard
Dream Journal Entry: August 27, 2017
I took a nap and dreamed about some guy who had written an article about someone/something I had read. He was sitting nearby and I said hello and smiled. I liked his eyes.

Then there was something about olive oil and pouring some into a shot glass to taste. I got some bread and dipped it into the oil and ate it. While this was happening, I saw something move... shadow people. I think I am talking to the guy while this is happening. I wasn't scared but one of the shadow figures, a male, grabbed onto me. I didn't want him there and said, "in the name of Satan, let me go!" His eyes immediately filled with surprise and fear. He let go and moved away I am thinking it is amusing because God and Satan are really the same being, but one aspect rules the living while the other rules the Underworld. I found it interesting that using this name was so effective for making him leave me alone and go away.

Then it seems I am talking to Inara about the Underworld. I am using an end table to illustrate. I am explaining that people think of the world of the living as being on the surface and the people who die as being down low under the table in the Underworld. Someone I recognize as Linda T. discourages me from telling Inara the truth, but I am undeterred. I went on, "But that isn't really what it is like. The dead are all right here with us everywhere. The Underworld is all here mixed with the living and most people don't realize it. The only distinction is that one group of people are considered living and the other group are considered dead."

Art by Ksenia Svincova aka IrenHorrors

Most people think we are "the living" but they are wrong.

We are "the land of the dead" which is where so many of our errors come in when we try to navigate this game. We pray to a living God, but he does not have domain or authority over this side.

It is Left brain vs. Right brain. We are inside the side of physicality and dead things. I wrote a blog post that touches upon this in more detail not too long ago.

If you want results, you need to talk to the guy who people call "Lucifer" and "Satan". I just call him "David" because that is often his name when he appears in my dreams. He is David, the Teacher to me. David, my husband and partner in the world outside of this virtual reality.

When he came to me in a visitation, a flood of memory rushed through me and gripped my heart. I thought, "Oh my god, how could I have ever forgotten you?!!!" This was the most powerful and intense love I have EVER felt and it is what propels me forward on this journey. It was so powerful that I told my human husband that I wanted a divorce. It doesn't matter that this being has no physical body for me to hold onto. I love him completely and remembered that I always had.

The Teacher takes on all the shit roles to do the most horrendous things because our thoughts and beliefs demand it. Our fucked up thoughts have forced Him to do things that pains Him to take part in...all because we refuse to change. We have refused to grow and expand. We choose to stay divided through our thoughts and beliefs. We don't want to take responsibility for creating our own realities and so we blame each other, we blame Him and we blame and blame and blame.

He isn't your enemy. He isn't a bad guy. He is begging you to finally learn the lessons so His job is no longer needed and he can return to being a single whole being where sides don't exist because we are balanced and whole.

And when that happens, we can all wake up and go home...to "the kingdom of God". ..the real organic world.
Art: "Persephone and Hades" by ooneithoo 

Friday, August 24, 2018

The Twin Towers was an Inside Job

Photo by Rodney Smith
For many of us, the first stages of "awakening" is going down the "conspiracy theory" and "truther" rabbit hole. I know I went there for a time. But if you are truly awakening, you won't stay there. You will move on to a spiritual journey, which, for most, will end up becoming a journey back to self.

If I spend any time scrolling my Facebook feed, I will always see something about 9/11 and the Twin Towers. I saw something just tonight and was reminded of a conversation I had with my friend, Cynthia. She said something about the twin towers being brought down was an inside job. And, with my newfound knowledge of seeing everything outside of us as a message and a lesson about what is inside of us, I suddenly saw a profound message. Suddenly the towers coming down didn't seem sinister or bad at all.

I said to her, "Look at the message in what you just said."

The Twin Towers falling was an inside job.

Of course it was an inside job. It HAD to be! It is the only way. The twins represent duality. Duality has to fall. We have to disassemble who we are entirely to balance our internal twins. As long as we think there are sides to take, duality will continue. But if you go within, balance the internal twins, understand we are both, always, and then take responsibility for ourselves, our own twins fall...into being one integrated being.

When you start to be able to read the messages that are everywhere constantly in everyday activities and in all of the news worthy events, it removes the negative charge and we can pause to ask ourselves, "What is what we are seeing trying to teach us about ourselves?"

So, we can get upset, bite our nails about the world going to hell in a hand basket, or we can take our power back and try to understand what it is trying to teach us.

I have no fear or anxiety about what is happening in the world anymore.

Know thy self.

Real change is an inside job.

Written by Oktobre Taylor
August 23, 2018

The Tale of Three Trees

Photo Art by veziphoto @ DeviantArt
The Tale of Three Trees

Once there was a Great Tree who grew the most magnificent fruits. The tree  could feel he was getting old and wouldn't be able to stay much longer. One summer when his fruit was ripe, he told three different people who came to him with baskets to collect his bounty, to take what they could but the very last fruit they placed in their basket must be set aside to plant and grow a new tree.

Each of the three he implored to take on this task, agreed.

The Great Tree quietly died the following winter, leaving the people wondering where they would get fruit now.

The first farmer planted the seed from the first fruit he picked from the great tree.

The second farmer planted the seed from a fruit that had gotten damaged during transport.

The third farmer had carefully set aside the very last piece of fruit they had picked from the Great Tree, as was instructed by the elder. It was the seed from this fruit that the third farmer planted.

The seeds, not being ordinary, sprang forth from the ground very quickly and produced fruit the next summer.

The fruit from the first farmer's tree was small and would never ripen.

The fruit from the second farmer's tree looked delicious, but all of it was rotten inside.

The fruit from the third farmer's tree looked and tasted exactly like that of the Great Tree who had died.

Because the third farmer had listened to the Great Tree and followed his instructions, the fruit their tree bore was sweet, delicious, and abundant.

That fall, the spirit of the Great Tree came back to see the results. He caused a great wind to destroy the first tree but let the second one stand as a lesson in what happens when you don't follow the guidance given.

We are all given inner guidance. Sometimes we have to still ourselves to hear it. That inner guidance is our "God within" trying to help us become the best version of ourselves so that the fruit we bear will be nourishing and sweet to those we offer it to. We need to listen to that guidance and not consider it "optional", because doing so could have unwanted consequences.

Our choices matter.

Written by Oktobre Taylor
August 23, 2018

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Confessions of a Suicidal Serial Killer

Photo by Natalia Drepina
That's right.

I'm a serial killer.

I admit it.

I am guilty.

I have killed thousands and I will kill thousands more before I leave this reality... maybe even after I leave.

I went through a long period of not killing anyone, but at some point, I just couldn't stop myself. I wouldn't set out to kill anyone that day, but I did. It would just happen and I would have blood on my hands.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

We say sometimes things like "but I am still the same person inside," or "The same old (fill in your name here)."

Maybe you ARE still the same old Jason or Jane, but I am not. Each time I made a change of belief or I changed a self-loathing thought, I killed off a version of me. Each time I learned to love and support myself, I said goodbye to a me that is no longer needed for this experience. And each time I murdered a version of myself with love, understanding and compassion, I embodied more of who I was always meant to be. I embody the highest version of myself for that given day.

Now, you might think that with the murdering spree I have been on, I would be all happiness and sunshine 24/7, right? Ha! False!

Photo by Natalia Drepina
Sometimes the murder/suicide involves putting a blade to my own skin and cutting away a layer and that can be painful, leaving me wanting to take my physical self out for real. But if I can make it through the pain of the dying self, I manage to float back up to the surface and breathe again.

Now let's talk about health and the death of all of our other selves.

I hope to kill off a version of myself today with this blog post so what I will share with all of you is not easy because this issue spans lifetimes.

I think we can agree that dis-ease starts in the energetic body. Something is thrown off and our thoughts, feeling and energy come together to manifest...for better or worse. I believe every single cough, cold, virus, plague, illness, infection that manifests originated from us.

We created them.

If a new virus shows up, we need to consider what internal thoughts created it in the first place.

True confession...

About a year or so ago I stopped taking my hypertension medicine hoping I would stroke out and just die already. I had withdrawal symptoms for three days and then felt fine. Actually, I felt better. I stopped feeling so achey all over...and I definitely didn't die, much to my chagrin. It started me thinking about how we start to identify with our dis-eases.

Hypertension

Asthma

Acid reflux

Migraines

....to name a few of mine.

What if we stopped telling ourselves, "I have this dis-ease" and thinking "this dis-ease is me"? What if instead we say, "these are symptoms I am experiencing, what do I need to look at and change in my thoughts and beliefs?"

Photo by Natalia Drepina
Pulling out my knife and starting to cut now.

My root chakra is fucked...and not in a good way. I have had such horrible issues surrounding sexuality since childhood. There has been so much guilt, shame and blame happening inside me for probably many lifetimes, but the one I will talk about is this one.

As a small child, I used to have dreams that my dad was taking my mom away from me using sex. He was my enemy in my mind and sex was, therefore, an enemy if it was something he was using to keep the one person in my life I was attached to from me.

This was further established when my father basically raped my mother in front of me. I felt helplessness and horror.

Sex was bad.

Sex harms.

Sex hurts.

Sex takes from you that which you most value.

Sex is a weapon.

So is it any wonder that in my fucked up belifs and thoughts, I would both crave sex and reject it simultaneously? I would sleep with someone because part of me was so hungry to feel connection, only to feel a barrage of shame, self-loathing and disgust when I acted on it.;I would only feel more empty and disconnected after. I felt dirty and like I was a horrible person. "Why did you do this?" I would ask myself. "You are pathetic and disgusting." And i would vow to never do it again until the next time. I would go literally years completely celibate....and then I would slip and give into an urge because maybe I had drank just enough to lower my inhibitions that I could go through with it.

"What the fuck are you doing, Oktobre?!!" I would think.

So is it really any wonder or surprise that by the age of 22 I would be diagnosed as having contracted HPV?

Hey, no problem. It was only the cancer causing kind. At least I didn't have to deal with warts. At least it was the mildest case my doctor ever saw. At least I have had an "all clear" every papsmear after.

But it was reason for me to shut down even more because now I was diseased and who the fuck would want me now, right?

Apparently my husband did and we had a beautiful daughter together even though I was a disgusting and dis-eased monster. Add to that I started getting suspicious mouth sores once in a while that I can only assume are a form of herpes. I have never gotten an official diagnosis.

One more feather in my sexually dysfunctional cap.

I have been celibate for 6 years, maybe longer. It would be easy to fall into the negative self talk and use my disease, that I clearly identify with so much, as an excuse to stay closed entirely to ever being with someone again intimately.

"I don't deserve a healthy sexual relationship."

But that is not the point of this experience or blog. This is about healing. This is about growth. This is about killing off old versions of myself so that I can be a new version of me.

Photo by Natalia Drepina
I stand naked before you.

Vulnerable

Bleeding out

So that I can be free

I know now I am not my symptoms. I believe anything is possible and I believe fully in spontaneous healing. I believe my thoughts are creating my reality so what I believe is more powerful than some diagnosis of a symptom.

If the body sheds every single cell every seven years and becomes entirely new, why do we still believe that we need to take our dis-eases into the new version and claim it as part of who we are? I believe we do not have to and this is the true key to healing every ill we could ever face. Once you have dealt with the thought or belief that is causing the dis-ease, I believe fully that we can see so called "miraculous" healing.

What is your body and symptoms begging you to look at?

What thoughts and beliefs are keeping you sick and in pain?

Will you become a serial killer as well?