Confessions of a Suicidal Serial Killer

Photo by Natalia Drepina

That's right.

I'm a serial killer.

I admit it.

I am guilty.

I have killed thousands and I will kill thousands more before I leave this reality... maybe even after I leave.

I went through a long period of not killing anyone, but at some point, I just couldn't stop myself. I wouldn't set out to kill anyone that day, but I did. It would just happen and I would have blood on my hands.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

We say sometimes things like "but I am still the same person inside," or "The same old (fill in your name here)."

Maybe you ARE still the same old Jason or Jane, but I am not. Each time I made a change of belief or I changed a self-loathing thought, I killed off a version of me. Each time I learned to love and support myself, I said goodbye to a me that is no longer needed for this experience. And each time I murdered a version of myself with love, understanding and compassion, I embodied more of who I was always meant to be. I embody the highest version of myself for that given day.

Now, you might think that with the murdering spree I have been on, I would be all happiness and sunshine 24/7, right? Ha! False!

Photo by Natalia Drepina

Sometimes the murder/suicide involves putting a blade to my own skin and cutting away a layer and that can be painful, leaving me wanting to take my physical self out for real. But if I can make it through the pain of the dying self, I manage to float back up to the surface and breathe again.

Now let's talk about health and the death of all of our other selves.

I hope to kill off a version of myself today with this blog post so what I will share with all of you is not easy because this issue spans lifetimes.

I think we can agree that dis-ease starts in the energetic body. Something is thrown off and our thoughts, feeling and energy come together to manifest...for better or worse. I believe every single cough, cold, virus, plague, illness, infection that manifests originated from us.

We created them.

If a new virus shows up, we need to consider what internal thoughts created it in the first place.

True confession...

About a year or so ago I stopped taking my hypertension medicine hoping I would stroke out and just die already. I had withdrawal symptoms for three days and then felt fine. Actually, I felt better. I stopped feeling so achey all over...and I definitely didn't die, much to my chagrin. It started me thinking about how we start to identify with our dis-eases.

Hypertension

Asthma

Acid reflux

Migraines

....to name a few of mine.

What if we stopped telling ourselves, "I have this dis-ease" and thinking "this dis-ease is me"? What if instead we say, "these are symptoms I am experiencing, what do I need to look at and change in my thoughts and beliefs?"

Photo by Natalia Drepina

Pulling out my knife and starting to cut now.

My root chakra is fucked...and not in a good way. I have had such horrible issues surrounding sexuality since childhood. There has been so much guilt, shame and blame happening inside me for probably many lifetimes, but the one I will talk about is this one.

As a small child, I used to have dreams that my dad was taking my mom away from me using sex. He was my enemy in my mind and sex was, therefore, an enemy if it was something he was using to keep the one person in my life I was attached to from me.

This was further established when my father basically raped my mother in front of me. I felt helplessness and horror.

Sex was bad.

Sex harms.

Sex hurts.

Sex takes from you that which you most value.

Sex is a weapon.

So is it any wonder that in my fucked up beliefs and thoughts, I would both crave sex and reject it simultaneously? I would sleep with someone because part of me was so hungry to feel connection, only to feel a barrage of shame, self-loathing and disgust when I acted on it.;I would only feel more empty and disconnected after. I felt dirty and like I was a horrible person. "Why did you do this?" I would ask myself. "You are pathetic and disgusting." And I would vow to never do it again until the next time. I would go literally years completely celibate....and then I would slip and give in to an urge because maybe I had drank just enough to lower my inhibitions that I could go through with it.

"What the fuck are you doing, Oktobre?!!" I would think.

So is it really any wonder or surprise that by the age of 22 I would be diagnosed as having contracted HPV?

Hey, no problem. It was only the cancer causing kind. At least I didn't have to deal with warts. At least it was the mildest case my doctor ever saw. At least I have had an "all clear" every pap smear after.

But it was reason for me to shut down even more because now I was diseased and who the fuck would want me now, right?

Apparently my husband did and we had a beautiful daughter together even though I was a disgusting and dis-eased monster. Add to that I started getting suspicious mouth sores once in a while that I can only assume are a form of herpes. I have never gotten an official diagnosis.

One more feather in my sexually dysfunctional cap.

I have been celibate for 6 years, maybe longer. It would be easy to fall into the negative self talk and use my disease, that I clearly identify with so much, as an excuse to stay closed entirely to ever being with someone again intimately.

"I don't deserve a healthy sexual relationship."

But that is not the point of this experience or blog. This is about healing. This is about growth. This is about killing off old versions of myself so that I can be a new version of me.

Photo by Natalia Drepina

I stand naked before you.

Vulnerable

Bleeding out

So that I can be free

I know now I am not my symptoms. I believe anything is possible and I believe fully in spontaneous healing. I believe my thoughts are creating my reality so what I believe is more powerful than some diagnosis of a symptom.

If the body sheds every single cell every seven years and becomes entirely new, why do we still believe that we need to take our dis-eases into the new version and claim it as part of who we are? I believe we do not have to and this is the true key to healing every ill we could ever face. Once you have dealt with the thought or belief that is causing the dis-ease, I believe fully that we can see so called "miraculous" healing.

What is your body and symptoms begging you to look at?

What thoughts and beliefs are keeping you sick and in pain?

Will you become a serial killer as well?