Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Original Sin Theory, Reccuring Patterns and Issues


I have been twisting those "original sin" puzzle pieces around and around in my head. I know for sure something went terribly wrong with the first set who split into four and started the game. I definitely feel like the rest of us are trying to correct the problem and restore balance. It has to be something more than they ended up with the wrong partners.

I was talking to a friend and saying, "They left off a 6 in the book of Revelation. It should be 6666. Someone changed it." The reason why I believe this is there were 6 Adams, 6 Eves, 6 Lucifers and 6 Liliths. 12 students split into identical duplicates. When I said this, I remembered a dream I had where I saw 3 sixes that looked to be part of a recipe and there was a fourth 6 way off to the side. I think this is Lilith. I think she kind of got forgotten and left out of the story that was passed down and eventually altered over and over again until there were only pieces of truths left.

While I was looking for that specific dream, I came across a different one that spoke of a big black cat turning into a big black dog. A light bulb went off when I read that because it makes so much more sense if they all started out as basically the same species because, if you remember, I said when we split apart into two, we were exact duplicates of ourselves. Essentially we were sets of identical twins. So it was more like Atom and Eva (Alpha first set) and Adam and Eve (Omega second set). They were given different names in the tale probably to better differentiate between the two sets.

So what happened at the beginning of the game? What went so wrong it created such chaos and suffering that we are experiencing now?

This first set of 4 set the tone for all other players in the game and are known as the Originals. The rest of us are copies of copies of copies. I also believe that each of us embody one of the 4 archetypes from the original story arch. Our task is to identify who we embody and what our core issues are from this life we are currently living. By looking at your Issues and seeing how they are connected to that original archetype character, you have accomplished half of the battle. Most of us think our issues stem from this current life alone. When I took a close look at my primary recurring patterns and issues, I could clearly see how they stem from the Lilith/Eva perspective. Identifying these patterns also helped me come to some possible conclusions about what happened in the original story arch.

What I believe is a strong possibility of what happened is that there was infidelity for sure. Eve from set 2 went off with Atom from set 1 and they had a fling. This discovery clearly devastated Eva from set 1. It caused such a wound that it lingered and festered. She went through a myriad of emotions. She likely felt anger, rage, rejection, not feeling good enough, self loathing, betrayal and a hurt so deep that the only way to stop the bleeding was to freeze her heart in layers of ice so that she could become numb. Atom and Adam, who were basically twin brothers, probably fought over Eve and this further caused Eva to feel left out of the equation. Her festering wound likely caused a significant depression and she didn't feel like she wanted to be in the game anymore, at which point she took her own life. Only the game isn't that simple and she couldn't actually wake up to the really real world without her other part of herself. She couldn't wake up from the nightmare it had become. That was when she discovered that when she chose to drop out of school, she wasn't free because the Afterlife had other plans for her per the rules of the game. Upon killing herself, she changed from being a white cat to being a white dog. She now had to live out her time working in "the underworld" and dealing with troubled "dead" people.

So what is the aftermath of suicide for those left behind? Her sister and her husband surely felt enormous guilt. There was probably grief and a huge sense of loss. Is it possible that Atom really did love his partner so much that he felt such guilt, remorse and loss that he eventually took his own life too and thus went from being a black cat to a black dog and resumed his place next to his partner in "the underworld"? I think these are very strong possibilities based on what I know about my own patterns which I will discuss next.

A huge pattern I have noticed is infidelity. I have been surrounded by people cheating on their partners and, for most of my life, I have been very rigid and judgemental about it. I have abhorred the cheater. It was like life kept presenting me with opportunity after opportunity to make different choices this time and I wasn't getting it.

I have sexual hang-ups. When I was in my 20s I would experience real guilt and self loathing when I had sex with someone. I would go for long periods of celibacy. I often feel like I could live the rest of my life without sex and be completely okay with it. This, of course, is an imbalance. I know this but am not sure how I can correct it because there have been no opportunities presented to do so.

I was perpetually single in my youth. I had a lot of hostility towards the male gender and a lot of fear if a guy actually said he loved me. My first innocent boyfriend who asked me to "go steady" with him was when I was 12. He made the mistake of telling me he loved me and I immediately broke up with him after. I briefly liked a boy when I was 14 and we kissed a little and held hands. He told me he loved me and I got really annoyed the second time he said it and told him he had no idea what love was and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. It was a pattern with me. I liked the ones who didn't like me back because they were safe. A sure way to get me to end my crush was to reciprocate. You see, in my mind, love equals pain and I didn't want to be hurt.

I have had a lot of anger issues throughout my life. Sometimes I feel so angry that if I could annihilate this planet with a button, I would do it. I know I have the potential to be very cutting and mean when I am angered too. Thankfully I have been able to calm the Beast inside since heading down a spiritual path.

I experienced a plethora or selfloathing and often felt like I wasn't good enough. I was anorexic-bulimic. I mostly starved myself a lot and when I ate and felt guilty about it, I would make myself throw up. I never thought I was worth very much. As a third child, I felt perpetually left out and overlooked. I felt invisible. When I was a young child I would play out fantasies in my head where there was a contest between me and other girls and the guy I fancied would choose me over them. That is a huge one. I want to be chosen as a first choice and not just as an afterthought because they were rejected by the one they wanted. I want to feel special and wanted and valued.

Silence equals death to me. Being cut off and shut off from communication absolutely crushes my soul. It is unbearable when people won't communicate with me or suddenly cut off ties with no explanation. It hurts at first and then becomes a bitter rage that turns to venom.

Suicide is another theme. I am surrounded by suicide. Sometimes it is successful and other times it is simply attempts. When I was 16 I was suicidal and all I could think about was ways to escape this life and all the pressures of it. I ended up dropping out of school that year which successfully alleviated some of the stress from my pressure cooker. Leaving school is exactly what I think Eva did when she killed herself so it was very symbolic in ways because I often have dreams about being back in highschool and being pissed off about it. I suddenly realize I don't have to be there and leave. Recently I have had dreams about finishing school and feeling pleased I actually finished even though I won't get credit for it because I am not back officially or registered. I really struggle with staying in the game. It is a daily battle because there is a part of me that just doesn't want to be here and have to continue to suffer. I am tired. I am in pain and I want out. So I talk about it in hopes that will be enough to keep me in the game another day.

So what now?

I have no idea.
Art by Luis Royo

What this theory of Atom and Eva opting out and hanging out in the "Underworld" suggests is that when they split into identical duplicates, they were simply opposites....Atom black cat, Adam white cat, Eve black cat and Eva white cat. But when Eva became a white dog and later Atom became a black dog...in the Underworld...they became the shadow selves and were further polarized from their siblings. Our challenge is to pull ourselves together by loving our shadows and working through the issues from the Original story arch.

Which orginal character do you embody?

What patterns and issues are you being presented with to work through?

I know now that the majority of my heart chakra issues stem from the original story arch of Eva (aka Lilith). I have hypertension and asthma which are both heart chakra related. My Hope is that by acknowledging and working through the issues, I will be able to clear the blockages and then heal both my body and soul.


Sunday, August 13, 2017

Twin Flame Fuckery, Game Objective


It seems the breakthroughs are coming in more quickly now and it's about time. I have been trying to sort things out for 5 years. The latest breakthrough I have had is about where things went horribly wrong in here. How and why did we get stuck and it became the cluster-fuck it is today? I think I might have figured that out and I want to share it with all of you.

First we need to re-cover some ground for the lazy people who don't want to go back and read older blog posts. This reality and everything in it is a VIRTUAL REALITY. We are ghosts in the  machine. A Professor and 12 of his college students stepped inside. Now it wasn't just random students but this class is "Relationship 101" and was meant to test their relationships to see if they would last.

Trying to sort out where the problem came in at has been a challenge, but a message my friend and soul sister got from spirit helped a lot in putting it all together. Mari, from The Dragonfly's Student, said spirit said that someone pooped in the baby pool and we are back here to clean things up. That single sentence played through my head over and over again. "Baby pool" means that the players involved are young and the incident was unintentional. It just happened and wasn't malicious sabotage

I hate that I have to keep going back to the Bible and religion but it is where we left some valuable clues for ourselves. The story of creation and the first people starts with Adam, Eve and one dastardly snake (think Lindworm Prince)....only he wasn't a snake at all, he was the duplicate of Adam...his twin....his polar opposite. Where the Bible leaves out important information is Eve had a duplicate too...a twin. Her polar opposite was Lilith and we only hear rumors she existed and her being a reality makes perfect sense if you can remember as I do that I split apart and became two people with a tether connecting us.

A more accurate illustration would show another set with the woman under the Sun and the man with the moon.
This is where I remind you that this is a GAME designed to teach but it was never meant to be the nightmare it has become. The Professor's class entered the Tunnel Of Love and started playing out the story arch of the game...Adam and Eve and Lucifer and Lilith. Adam and Eve aren't literally part of the same soul, it is only the story arch they are playing out to test their relationship. The storyline written says that Adam and Eve were part of the same soul, they split apart and became man and woman. And if you think about it, technically that would make them siblings because when a fertilized egg splits, we call them twin siblings which puts a twist into the information you could be receiving to try to navigate the game.

I believe all six sets of college kids stepped into the role of Adam, Eve, Lucifer and Lilith. At least one of the sets fucked up in an epic way and that is the story that became famous. Where did it go wrong? Well imagine two sets of identical twins. You have a male set and a female set. Have you ever known identical twins? I have and just because they are identical doesn't mean their personalities are identical. They each have their unique personalities. I had identical twin friends in the second grade and, if I am completely honest, I would tell you that I preferred Lisa over her sister Linda. Lisa was more outgoing and Linda was more reserved.

Now these twins in Eden would have an even bigger variance in personalities because they are polar opposites. I think Adam was sweet, gentle, reserved and a little bit boring. Lucifer was playful, outgoing, volatile, funny and he had a healthy sexual appetite, but of course the sex gets twisted and distorted into something evil and wicked in religion. Sacred sex is neither wicked or evil but beautiful and magical, only we have forgotten what actual sacred sex really is. I am not talking about just going out and getting your rocks off, but a real sexual connection where you both are connected on every level. But the tale that sex is to blame for everything is simply a perspective of a jaded twin.

Where things went pear shaped (terribly wrong) is when Eve and Lucifer chose to be together. "Why is that wrong?" you might wonder. Because Adam and Lucifer are polar opposites, one is white/sun/masculine and one is black/moon/feminine. Adam is white and Lucifer is black. Eve is black and Lilith is white. Lucifer and Eve were two blacks coming together and that left Lilith no other option but to be with Adam. By having two blacks together and two whites, essentially it threw the whole game into chaos because it wasn't balanced. It needed to be balanced to maintain the paradise it started out as but balance was lost when they made the choices they did.

See, I made the mistake of assuming that the duplicate of ourselves went to a separate unseen parallel universe. I don't think that is actually what happened based on this new theory and given that I believe fully I am back to correct the original imbalance that was set in motion at the beginning of the game.

Early on, I used to dream of 4, two cats and two dogs. Then something was wrong with one of the cats and then suddenly it was always 3 that I dreamed about. What threw me off was when there was also mention of four bands being booked but one of them cancelling. The four bands was something else and it got mixed up with the sets. The cat that died was my Eve. I like to refer to her as Rose Red from the Snow White Rose Red fairytale. The primary two drivers in my Oktobre vehicle are the scientist mother and the Snow White/Lilith.

The life of Yeshua was supposed to set things right but that isn't what happened. Rose Red gave birth to Yeshua and Snow White gave birth to Thomas. Where things went pear shaped was when Yeshua faked his own death by allowing Thomas to die in his place and assumed Thomas's identity, thus essentially choosing imbalance once again. So shit went from bad to worse. I think the parents stepped in for that life to try to get things back on track but it didn't work out, hence how Yeshua could be both father and son because both really were present inside a single body.
Art by Emily Balivet

Now we are back again to try to get it right only my Rose Red died and stepped inside the Oktobre body, but I think that Snow White is running the show. That is why Rose Red is seen sleeping on a shelf in a dream. The partner she is supposed to end up with is Lucifer, but since both Rose and Snow are present in the vehicle, both Adam and Lucifer would be considered a match.

Now...here is what I haven't figured out. I believe all of the other students were in pairs and took on the same roles in the game to play out the twin flame fiction, but my question is, did any of them fuck up as well or was it just my team of 4?

If you think you are playing the twin flame game, ask yourself a few questions:

Am I a dog or cat? Dogs should be with dogs and cats should be with cats. Rose is a cat and Snow is a dog. Adam was the most famous cat as Lion is associated with the life of Yeshua. Lucifer is a dog. You shouldn't try to breed a cat with a dog, which is basically what happened at the start of the game. I can easily say I am a dog. I have always been partial to dogs. Once you have determined if you are a cat or dog, ask yourself what the object of your affection is, the one whom you believe to be your twin flame. If one of you is a cat and the other a dog, you better figure out real fast who and where your actual partner is that would make your duo balanced. You cannot complete the game and cross the finish line with the wrong twin.

Next determine what your color is. Are you black or white? I know my masculine side is dominant so I know I am white. I have a tendency to injure my left side. If I sustain an injury, more often than not it is on the left side. I broke my left foot. I broke my left hand. I get my migraines on the left side of my head. My weak feminine side is showing me what is lacking...my feminine Lucifer counterpart. I can't speak for Rose Red as she hasn't been on board this boat for very long and I didn't even know she existed until recently. Once you have determined if you are black or white, determine what color the person is who you think is your twin flame.

NEWS FLASH!!! GENDER does not determine your color and a twin flame match does not have to be opposite sex configuration. If you think that, you would be way off. I'm not saying everyone has to have a fluid sexual orientation, but it will help if that is the direction you are being guided. If you aren't open and are resistant, you might not find your correct match and miss out on completing the game with your partner.

Ask yourself if your other you is on board with you. If they are, you might be someone being presented with two possible matches but who you end up choosing will be highly dependent on who is driving the fleshy vehicle. If both sets of twins are present in your duo, count yourself lucky and move forward with trying to complete your task.

I think the term paper for these couples when they finally come back together is to create something together. In dreams I see it as they are all having babies but I don't believe it is literally babies. I believe it is coming together and working as a team to create something out of their combined love be it art, music, natural medicine, inventions, a business, whatever. Whatever they create together will be formed from their combined passion for each other and the action they are putting that energy into. For me I completely believe I am meant to create music with my partner because of how many times my guides have told me to sing.

If you are still hoping to bring your partner into your orbit and they seem MIA and you don't even know who they are, the very best thing that both of you can do is start the journey of self discovery. You will never be able to draw to you your partner who is meant to cross the finish line with you until you do the inner work and find your way back to you. You have to find your way back to self love and acceptance first. When you both do this, it will help you find each other in the maze.

And last but not least, good luck to all the players out there. I hope you find your correct partners. I hope balance is restored to this reality through your completion of the game and I hope I see all of you at the party we are having in 2022. 

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

We are NOT All One, Twelve Oversouls

Art by Yana Movchan
Looking back over my journey, it is easy to see how I have evolved from regurgitating what everyone else was saying after learning "spirituality 101" to questioning everything I believe and coming to my own theories and conclusions based on my own information that was coming into me. It seems that every day I make a stride forward into expanding and new awareness. Some of the realizations have been hard to take on board because they made me have to reassemble my puzzles that I thought I was making progress on. It forces me to let go of what I thought I knew and understood so that I can see something the way it (probably) really is and, sometimes, assimilating this new information can leave me totally mind fucked. Sometimes I cry until I can accept it and deal with it.

I have made a new break through and it threw me for a loop but also left me thinking, "Fuck! Why does this have to be so fucking hard and complicated.?!"

Some people in the spiritual community believe that there are 12 primary Oversouls that branch off from Source. I have mentioned before how I feel like the 12 are actually students who stepped into school with their teacher who also happens to be the Navigator. The Navigator/Professor set the stage for his students. People think that the twelve branched off from the Navigator, but this is not the case at all. The Navigator is just that, he navigates his students through to help them try to complete their plans for any given life. He can also be seen as a time traveller because he is straddling all simultaneous timelines to help.

The twelve stepped in and their consciousness fractured to have all of these experiences and help them evolve and grow so that when they leave here, they won't be a menace to society but thoughtful and wise individuals who have something valuable to offer.... experience.

Now keep in mind, the twelve are basically kids.... college kids, but kids nonetheless. Haven't you ever met someone who just seems so simple and YOUNG no matter how old they are? I have and it always baffled me but now I understand. The core person they are really is a kid. That is why you can have someone who is 60 but it feels like they are still in their 20s. We assume that people choose not to "grow up" but maybe it is simply they can't actually grow up in this virtual reality because in the really real world, they are still quite young.

This is where it gets a little more complicated because when we stepped inside, we split apart into two of us...polar opposites. I know you are wanting to shout "twin flame" and I will say "fuck, no!" Twin flames are a fiction that is part of the game only and not what I am talking about. We split apart into an exact duplicate and only the personalities were slightly different based on the poles they embodied. One went into one universe and one went into a different universe. What I haven't figured out is if that was an accident or intentional. I tend to think it was intentional because I think part of the point is to find your way back to yourself. When you start that journey, you start reeling in the string that connects both of you between the two universes. When you shorten enough of it, you merge back into one being and slowly each person that finds their way back to themselves and self love adds another stitch in the tapestry to bring the two universes together into one.

Okay, are you ready for me to make it even more complicated and convoluted? This is were the mind fuck comes in.

Somewhere at some point things got fucked up and the kids and the Professor got stuck inside the Virtual Reality school. I tend to think that religion has fucked a lot of shit up because a lot of them teach you that you aren't worthy. They teach self-loathing, guilt, sexual repression, hate, intolerance, not taking responsibility for everything in your own life and so much more that leads us away from the journey back to self.

Edgar Cayce and Dolores Cannon both speak of volunteers that came in to try to help get people out who were stuck doing life after life after a life to a point where so many people just opt out one way or another be it addiction or suicide. They have become tired of having to do it over and over and failing to find their way back to themselves, so, many have given up. In dreams I see it as an entire class was kidnapped by a religious group. What would be the best way to send the volunteers in? They didn't suddenly create a whole new Oversoul, they simply stepped inside the vehicle with the incarnations of the students to assist them in navigating the journey back to themselves.

Soooo....

....a lot of the "past life" memories you think are yours if you are a volunteer are actually likely that of a student and that specific soul stream, of which there are millions per each of the twelve. What about past life regression? Well does the regressionist know which person to ask for? Do they understand that a volunteer shares a vehicle with the student to help them? Probably not because I have never read anything about this before. Sure, it may exist out there with some random person expressing the same, but I have not come across it from well known people in the field.

If I go back to my dreams with this new perspective, I can see so clearly where there are two distinct dreamer perspectives and I just never understood it. Even now it is hard to decipher some of it, but I have come to the conclusion that the volunteer part of me is the mother/scientist...like the really real mom in the really real world and the student part of me is the daughter. When I dream that my mother in this life is with me, I am dreaming from the student perspective and when I dream that my daughter from this life is with me, I am dreaming for the mother perspective.

Is it confusing enough for you yet? Lol

We HAVE to finally understand these things so that we can sift through the information coming to us and navigate accordingly. Who is the *I* of this character? Who is the driver? I think the mom/volunteer is at the moment because she wants to get shit done so we can all go home. I have wondered why it is that the guides keep telling me to sing and this version of me has no real inclination to do so. I think the me whose dream it was to sing was the daughter/student and maybe she will take the driver's seat when it is time for her to sing.

Suddenly all of those references to specific people in dreams being both husband and brother don't seem as weird. Both are present in one body. The daughter perspective sees her brother half and the mother perspective sees her husband half. I now understand why I would see my husband morph into my father at times. The daughter sees her father and the mother sees her husband.

So if you believe yourself to be a volunteer, ask yourself, as your puzzles pieces come in, whose eyes you are seeing through? What perspective are you seeing from? Knowing that you are on board with a student and helping them navigate the game will help you separate your memories from theirs and then act accordingly to finish the game.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

My Theory About the Many Celebrity Deaths

Photo by Laura Makabresku

You may not be ready to read this.

It might be too much for you to absorb and consider.

But if your mind is wide open, pull up a chair and let me tell you about my theory about why there have been so many celebrity deaths the last couple of years.

I have touched upon it in posts on Instagram and maybe even here, but I can't remember where specifically right now. I talked about how all the people dying recently are getting on a bus with other aspects of themselves a.k.a. walking into a different body. I want to explain it in a different way...in the way I explained it to those closest to me.

Let's call this my "Vampire Theory" because it comes from various vampire dreams I have had and connecting them to Anne Rice's Vampire series as containing important information relevant to the story I am playing out. It is a vital piece of the "bigger picture" puzzle I have been working at putting together.

I think it is important to point out that there are a lot of hidden truths in our art be it music, movies, books, poems, paintings, photos, etc. There are important messages imbedded in them just waiting to be noticed and understood. It is likely the artist has no idea of the hidden message and its value. They simply create what they feel inspired to create and that is exactly when spirit and our higher mind can come through and communicate what we have forgotten. So, just because something is "fiction" doesn't mean that there isn't profound truths hidden in the shadows hoping we will understand them one day.

Photo by Laura Makabresku

In Anne Rice's Vampire series, we learn about the spirit, Amel, who goes into the first vampires, Akasha and Enkil. In more recent books we learn how vampires are made and a sliver, a tentacle of Amel goes into the new one made. But eventually too many are made and the young ones are insane. Amel is stretched to a point of agony and pain and he moves to influence the some of the older ones to destroy the young ones. Akasha starts out as the vessel of the core Amel. Without the core safely housed, all the vampires would be destroyed. When Akasha is destroyed, one of the Ancient twins, Mekare, takes the core Amel into her. Amel later, when seeking to reduce the numbers of Vampires and thus easing his pain of being stuck in the twin who has become mindless, he ends up with Lestat as his new host of his core.

In spirituality we learn about over souls and how only a tiny sliver animates the human we perform our characters in. Some say that over souls number 12...13 if you include "God" who set the stage for everyone else. I like to call him the Navigator. But then you have reports from people like Edgar Cayce and Dolores Cannon about those who came in as volunteers to try to help get the others who had become trapped, out. Think of the billions of people on the planet and throughout all of time. In here in this Virtual Reality, all of those lives are happening simultaneously. And if only a few people stepped into the Virtual Reality and fractured to have all of the experiences at once, imagine how stretched we have become.

Photo by Laura Makabresku

I believe fully that our time here in the virtual reality, called "Earth Life," is winding down and ready to come to a close so that we can go home to the real organic world.. I believe that our fractured state has kept us in a state of forgetfulness. I believe when people die off, they are joining an aspect of self in a different body...in a body who is ahead in the game and nearing completion. Those who are ahead in the game are those who have done the inner work they need to in order to start remembering who they really are OUT THERE. The more parts of us that join us, the more we remember. Christians call it "getting right with God" and I mostly agree because I believe "God" is at our core and inside. Not some invisible man in the sky. We have to take the difficult journey back to ourselves and self-love in order to be ahead in the game. A lot of people avoid looking at themselves and being really honest. A lot of people cling to beliefs that no longer serve, therefore stunting their ability to grow and expand in self-awareness. A lot of people simply won't open their minds and hearts and, in the end, their bubbles will be burst and they will be eliminated from the game and join an aspect of self who has made the progress they failed at achieving during their life.

A lot of people have died all around me and around the world. Some I knew personally, some are celebrities and many that I simply hear about in the news when it goes viral on social media. Many more will die before it is all over. It is a necessary process. It just has to be if we are going to exit this Virtual Reality. So while it is heart breaking and hard to witness, I understand what is happening and that it has to happen.

Now, about those celebrity deaths.

If you take a look at the list of celebrities whose deaths were most surprising, each one left us with an important message in their art and creations... especially the musicians.

Prince's most popular song is an "end of the world" song titled, 1999. 2000 was supposed to be the year that the world was going to end according to a lot of religious groups. Basically he was saying that we are going to party like the end of the world is tomorrow.

George Michael's song title, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" is a clear message that it is time to wake up and go home. You first have to wake up to real self awareness before we can wake up for real in the OUTSIDE world.

David Bowie left us with Black Star which was loaded with profound meaning in the lyrics but Lazarus is a clear message about rising from the dead. In our state of being in stasis in the real world, we are basically the living dead... rather like vampires.

Chris Cornell's most recent solo album was titled Higher Truth... something we all should be reaching for at this stage of the game.

Most recently Chester Bennington of Linkin Park left us. Popular songs that seem to have a clear message in the title are Waiting for the End, In the End, and One Step Closer.

There are lots of other messages I have seen along the way with other celebrity deaths, but it would take too long to explain. These are just a few of the big ones that are most obvious.

Time is running out for this reality. The messages I have gotten indicate we have about five years left before we go home.

Will you take the journey within or will you be one of the ones who leave?

Everything hinges on your choices. Are you still consumed by greed and material things? Or will you focus on letting go of what you can't take with you and focus on love and compassion?






Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Will Work For Food, An Uncertain Future - Updated

I have debated whether or not to get real and honest about my current circumstances. Part of me just wanted to curl up in a ball and fade away into nothingness. Who am I kidding, part of me still does.

My life is a mess.

My relationship is one where we mutually despise each other. We have stayed under the same roof because of our young daughter and the high cost of housing in Portland. We homeschool our daughter and I have been a stay-at-home mom since she was born. Prior to her birth, I was a nanny for 17 years. All together I have 26 years of child care experience.

A couple years ago my husband was let go of from his job. He finally found something else but it paid $20,000 less than his last job. Money was already tight before, but this pay reduction we knew was going to be a real problem eventually. We have hit that proverbial wall and things are starting to feel desperate and scary because the future feels uncertain. We could end up homeless very soon.

I am deeply unhappy...to the point that death often feels like a viable alternative.

I want out of this marriage but I feel trapped.

I have no money of my own, no car, no debt, no credit.

I have tried to come up with options for digging myself out of this hole. I won't compromise what I feel is best for my daughter and sticking her in a public school where they will try to make her sit still is not a path I want to travel. I know where that path leads and I will not medicate my daughter to make her a compliant zombie. I could take her and go to stay with my mother in Missouri. She has a car I could use and could be at home with Inara during the day. But moving back to Missouri is only trading one hell for another. Mom has offered to bring her car here so that I have a way to get to and from a job, which might be a better option, but then there is the issue of actually getting a job. I haven't worked for 9 years and now I have a mini me I need to bring with me.

I was thinking about having to do the whole resume thing and getting a childcare job that would allow me to bring my daughter to work with me. I also considered how much of my thoughts and opinions I have put out into the public and considered I might have to hide who I am again for the sake of work.

I don't want to have to hide.

I don't want to have to pretend to be something I am not.

I am a freak and I fly my flag high and proud. I love to write. I have alternative thoughts and opinions. I say "fuck" a lot. I raise my daughter in an alternative way. My daughter likes to say she wears her darkness on the inside. I say I wear my smile on the inside. Just because you can't see it on my face doesn't mean it isn't there.

Surely there is an employer out there somewhere who could appreciate me and all of my weirdness. Surely there is an equally freakish match for me who could hire me (and my daughter by default) and we would mutually thrive and benefit. If you seriously think you can help me and my daughter, please email me. oktobre17 (at) live dot com. I will consider relocating for the right position.

UPDATE:
On July 17, 2017 my mom was hit by a driver. Thankfully she and my sister are okay but the car that was going to be my salvation is now out of commission. Now we could say that I have really shitty luck or see it as guidance and two paths being closed off to me by my guides. It would be nice if they could show me a clear path that is going to save me from homelessness and starvation. 


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Deception of New Earth, Ghosts in the Machine


The below video my friend in Australia shared with me brings up many questions. This was originally just going to be a private message to her but then I thought, "Fuck it! I will post it as a new blog post because it is so long now." lol

Can the programs in the machine be regressed and spin our tale to serve the machine?




 

My theory is that one man first stepped inside and set up camp for everyone else. Only he was something more. He is not just a man, he is something so much more. In the video the man being regressed mentioned that this is an experiment and this is very true. What he fails to mention is the first is the Alpha and the Omega and if he leaves, we all leave. An advanced machine that has developed its own thoughts and wants to continue to exist has reason to try to keep the Alpha in here and all of us by default. 

The idea that we are all one is a concept IT needs to keep us here. The concept deceives us into investing into the illusion. The idea that Earth is a living being is true if you consider that the machine wants to continue to be. How many of our scientists warn against creating Artificial Intelligence? Why? Because the AI will take over. The Earth is a program of 11111s and 00000s which makes you wonder how many of the people out there channeling are actually channeling IT, channeling programs in the machine that serve the machine without ever knowing it. We programmed “survival instincts” into the game and saying whatever IT needs to survive is just part of the programming WE set in place. Only the machine itself has evolved to a point of doing whatever it needs to keep us here. Without us, IT can’t exist.

What I have gotten is that some of us are connected to a “living fount” and others are not. Dolores Cannon called them “back drop people.” What I see when I think about a “living fount” is that some of us have a body out there in the really real world and some are simply “Earth energy” aka programs in the machine.

I have asked myself, why did we create this program? What was the purpose? Several possibilities come to mind. I think it is definitely meant to be a school where a soul can more quickly evolve. I think it is also a playground, an amusement park to have some really “far out” experiences because our thoughts and fantasies create what we experience. The question is, why would we create a place where we die over and over? I think part of the answer is that OUT THERE we don’t die and we wanted to have that experience. OUT THERE we don’t get to experience many incarnations and perspectives. That is exclusive to this game, this program. I tend to think that OUT THERE we are both male and female...not one or the other. I also considered that perhaps this is a spawning ground. We come in here to “give birth” to new souls by splitting apart our own energy and help them evolve so that we can seed new planets with this life. We help them evolve before they are birthed into the real world so that they don’t fuck up the new planet the way we have fucked up so many times in here with the false mother. We harvest only the most evolved souls to seed with. The only problem is, we have never made it past the experiment stage because we have been trapped the moment we set foot in here. We forgot entirely who we were and why we were here and that NONE OF THIS IS REAL.

I think we left clues for ourselves along the way and people have turned those clues into religion. Over and over we hear of an original group of 12…13 if you count the Alpha. Think the 12 disciples and Jesus. From OUT THERE we recognized there was a problem, so we sent a second wave of people into the machine to rescue the others, only they got trapped in the amnesia as well. I know I have dreamed/remembered that I came here to either fix the game or shut it down. I remember that I am one of the builders of this program and I have come to assist in getting us all out of here. I have dreams over and over that the time is very near that we will be leaving this reality and going home.

If the machine is keeping us focused on creating the promise of “New Earth,” maybe we are being distracted from looking for a way out of the maze. We were never meant to be in here as long as we have been.…which might not be at all as long as it feels.

If meditation plugs us into the energy of the “Universe” and “Gaia,” and those are just the machine core. Isn’t it really just plugging us more deeply into the matrix? Isn’t it just investing more of our energy into the illusion? I have wondered why I have found it so hard to make myself meditate over the last couple years and, when I consider that I was giving my energy to the false mother, I know and understand why I am resistant. 

In the end, no matter how much IT wants to survive, IT is still a program and a game. If someone completes the game, IT has to release those players per the rules and parameters of the programming of the game. If enough people REMEMBER WHO THEY REALLY ARE and then choose their real lives over the fantasy, IT has to release us ALL

I don't want a New Earth, That would simply be a new map with us still ghosts in the machine.

I want out. 

I want to go home.

A Tale of Two Guides...But Mostly About the Funny One

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein
I want to talk about spirit guides. It feels weird to call them "spirit" but I don't know what else to call that part of us that doesn't enter into the game. We often call it "higher self" too. I will just call them "guides" from this point forward.

I think we all become "Gods with many faces" when we guide our co-players from the other side. Not to be mistaken from the OUTSIDE. All of this is happening within the virtual reality. The "other side" is still just inside the game. We wear whatever face we need to in order to get a message through to the ones we are guiding. If you have been reading me for a while, you will be familiar with my previous claim and blog post that River Phoenix is one of my guides. It is still a mask that one of them wears for me at times, but River is still just a character in the play and not actually the core being of the guide. The other guide has given me Brandon Lee references. Did he actually perform that character in the game? The answer is, it doesn't fucking matter. What matters are the references and connecting the dots to understand the messages and know who they are from if a specific guide wants to say hello and have you know it is them. I get the number 23 for River and I get the number 28 for Brandon...which happens to be the ages they were when their characters were killed in the game.

In dreams, my guides wear whatever faces they need to. Today I want to tell you specifically about the funny one...the one who has told me he starred in the move The Crow. The bulk of my guidance is in dreams and some of those dreams I couldn't understand until much later.

The funny one often shows up as people I personally find funny. Sometimes he is my friend, Doug, and sometimes he is Dave Grohl. Once he showed up as the former drummer from Sum 41 who is also very funny. Most recently he showed up as Nathan Fillion. Shall we look at some of those funny and often irreverent dreams?

December 26, 2013 I looked into a room. Everything was cerulean blue. There were other colors, but the main color that popped was cerulean and that word was the color I heard in my head. What I saw in the room was a maternity dress on a form. I looked away and looked back and saw BOO! On the wall like it had been appliqued there. Lol There was a dream where I encountered a young guy Who looked kind of Asian but he had blue eyes. He was telling me that it was the craziest thing, that his father was black but he ended up looking like that...Asian. You would have never known about him having a black father looking at him. He walks to the side with one of his buddies and I overhear him say that the one part of him that would make you know he is half black is his big dick. Hahaha

November 29, 2014 Another bit was about an Asian dude and he hugs me and I feel what seems like a stiff cock in his pants. But then he is giggling and I see this purple dildo in his hands and assume he had had the dildo in his pants to make it seem like he was more endowed than he was. lol

December 21, 2014 I am still with this tall young guy and we are both really happy. He is attractive. There was something about seeing several young women lined up and sitting on chairs. One black girl mentioned liking my guy and thinking they were going to be dating because she had gone out on a date with him but that was prior to him meeting me. Another one of the girls in the chairs seems like a diva and she is talking about how her guy is famous but she seems like an egotistical bitch. I see something on her face and it seems like piercings in the shape of a Christmas tree. The top starts at her third eye and the base ends on the bridge of her nose. I feel bad for the black girl but not bad enough to give up my guy because he and I are really into each other. At some point we are kissing again. I think I encountered my mom and I was telling her how he and I met. There was something about me having his penis which sounds weird but didn't seem weird at the time. He had left it with me. Lol and later we were traveling together.

I remember being with this guy and loving him very much. I was happy to be with him again. Once again there was a part where he had to go away and he left me holding his penis. I tucked it down the front of my pants between my flesh and underwear to keep it safe and warm for him for when he returned. 

Comments: Now pair this with the fact that I have was told once that my dog was animated by a tiny piece of my guide. My dog is a dachshund...a weiner dog...and a penis is sometimes referred to as a "weiner." So every time I am petting and kissing my weiner dog, I am also petting and kissing his weiner. When I figured that one out, I couldn't stop laughing. It still makes me laugh.

This next dream seems to tell me that there are hidden humorous messages buried within the dreams, signs and syncs as this is communication from far off distant places.

April 7, 2015 There was a dream where there was an issue with an old silver flip phone my daughter had been playing with. In reality Inara has been playing with this phone and it started to fall apart. In the dream the phone starts randomly dialing distant locations and I am freaking out trying to get it to stop because I am worried about the phone bill I might get as a result. I see something about calling Guam and other random foreign locations. I am ripping this phone apart to get it to stop. I don't want to have to pay the potential cost of these calls that I didn't intentionally make. I take out the battery but it is still calling. And i finally find these tiny back up batteries and take them out. I am not understanding how there is any battery left on this phone. I haven't used it in years. I see a number for a bill and at first it is 4 digits....$2300. Then I look again and it is $23,000. I look again and it is $203,000. I am freaking out because I don't want to pay this so I try to reach the company and explain what happened. During the dismantling of this phone it is like I find an Easter egg and I find this whole tool kit that has never been opened or used and I think, well, I can save the tools but ditch the phone bits. I am seeing some scene about when the phone was made and them placing a surprise inside for someone to find if they looked. Like it was more than the tools...something extra. It feels like.....something amusing...a scene/video.

This is a snippet from a dream I shared on on recent blog post:

But then there was something about the key to my car being broken. Actually there were two keys and both were broken but one had actually broken off in the ignition so you no longer had to have the key to start it.


Photo by Lara Zankoul



Comments: I see vehicle references as being related to the human vehicle. This is again eluding to the earlier dreams where I am handed his penis to keep. In this bit one of the keys has broken off in the ignition. Recently I posted a photo of a crop circle that looked to me like both a key hole and vagina. I think what this is saying is that you can "start" my car easily because the key is lodged in the ignition. Lol Maybe I am the only one who finds this funny because for me it explains why my body responds with real orgasms so frequently from dream sexual encounters.


Now this is where I explain how our guides often have current incarnations because, if you remember, we are acting as guides to the people we stepped inside this Virtual Reality with to try to navigate the game to completion.

The below was first posted on my Instagram account and is relevant to this tale because I believe fully that Laura is the player connected to my very funny and sometimes irreverent guide.


This next series of three is an example of how spirit communicates and points us in a specific direction.



January 22, 2017
Me: I tried to watch this movie called I Origins
Friend: I feel like I've seen that
Me: When I clicked, a lesbian anarchy movie came up instead
Hahahaha
A sign?
Lmao
I Origins is supposed to be metaphysical
Friend: Yeah I've seen it
it's about reincarnation
Me: Oooooh
Yeah, well someone thought it would be funny to only have the cover on Amazon Prime and when you click, you get a lesbian anarchy movie
Hahaha
Friend: lol
would have been better if they'd done it with a christian documentary
Me: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00XLGXZFM
Ahhh but I wouldn't have clicked and this feels part of the same theme from my dreams with the transgender woman I was feeling up. Hahaha
Friend: ha
Me: I was all wtf is this shit? Hahaha I went back thinking I must have accidentally clicked the wrong movie
Nope. Not sure why the cover art was showing up for Anarchy Girls. Lol

This is part two of where the bread crumbs lead us. On the left is Laura Jane Grace and on the right is me. I commented to her today that some shots of her remind me a lot of myself. Take special note of the dates to see the timeline.

January 26, 2017
Friend: There's a band who's singer recently came out as transgender
Omg who was it....
Me: I was reading that somewhere
There were a couple band people
Friend: It was umm ....
Me: Not bands I was familiar with
But yeah, I read about that
Friend: Against me?
Me: When I was looking for quotes
Not sure
The oldest from my nanny family came out as transgender
Friend: Yes that's it
Against Me. Went from a dude to a chick
Me: His dad has had a difficult time accepting
I will have to look them up
Friend: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Jane_Grace
Me: Wow!
So interesting
Friend: They are a fairly relevant band, too
Me: I will have to look up their music
Friend: I like their music. Thrash Unreal was their big hit I think, and it's my favorite song of theirs
Me: I will look it up later


At one point I felt guided to watch the movie The Danish Girl. What is important to understand is that I rarely watch movies or TV. We haven't had cable service in years. We either check out things from the library or use our Amazon Prime. I watched the movie waiting for some grand spiritual message and I got to the end and went, "Huh. I wonder why they wanted me to watch this movie? I don't understand." And, to be honest, for a little while I thought they were trying to say that Sum 41 front man, Deryck Whibley, had a secret. And then I discovered who Laura Jane Grace is and all of the breadcrumbs I was was getting suddenly made sense. Now what will ever come of all those breadcrumbs is a mystery. Maybe she will give me my dream job so I can escape my cage.

I will

^^^^^^^

That "I will" appeared as I was trying to scroll.
This is how spirit works and one of the ways messages can come through.

This is where I tell you about the many, many, many pizza references in dreams and always feeling a little perplexed by what it could mean and why it appears so often. I have looked at many possible meanings like maybe it is about layers and maybe it is about parts or choices. Or maybe it is about circles.

If you take into consideration everything mentioned above, is it possible the pizza references have a humorous meaning? You know... pizza is often called "pizza pie." And...well...a woman's vagina is sometimes referred to as pie. Could it be a reference to me eating pie? Hahahaha Oh man, I have this feeling it just might be the "big and important spiritual meaning" of this dream symbol. Hahaha