I have been twisting those "original sin" puzzle pieces around and around in my head. I know for sure something went terribly wrong with the first set who split into four and started the game. I definitely feel like the rest of us are trying to correct the problem and restore balance. It has to be something more than they ended up with the wrong partners.
I was talking to a friend and saying, "They left off a 6 in the book of Revelation. It should be 6666. Someone changed it." The reason why I believe this is there were 6 Adams, 6 Eves, 6 Lucifers and 6 Liliths. 12 students split into identical duplicates. When I said this, I remembered a dream I had where I saw 3 sixes that looked to be part of a recipe and there was a fourth 6 way off to the side. I think this is Lilith. I think she kind of got forgotten and left out of the story that was passed down and eventually altered over and over again until there were only pieces of truths left.
While I was looking for that specific dream, I came across a different one that spoke of a big black cat turning into a big black dog. A light bulb went off when I read that because it makes so much more sense if they all started out as basically the same species because, if you remember, I said when we split apart into two, we were exact duplicates of ourselves. Essentially we were sets of identical twins. So it was more like Atom and Eva (Alpha first set) and Adam and Eve (Omega second set). They were given different names in the tale probably to better differentiate between the two sets.
So what happened at the beginning of the game? What went so wrong it created such chaos and suffering that we are experiencing now?
This first set of 4 set the tone for all other players in the game and are known as the Originals. The rest of us are copies of copies of copies. I also believe that each of us embody one of the 4 archetypes from the original story arch. Our task is to identify who we embody and what our core issues are from this life we are currently living. By looking at your Issues and seeing how they are connected to that original archetype character, you have accomplished half of the battle. Most of us think our issues stem from this current life alone. When I took a close look at my primary recurring patterns and issues, I could clearly see how they stem from the Lilith/Eva perspective. Identifying these patterns also helped me come to some possible conclusions about what happened in the original story arch.
What I believe is a strong possibility of what happened is that there was infidelity for sure. Eve from set 2 went off with Atom from set 1 and they had a fling. This discovery clearly devastated Eva from set 1. It caused such a wound that it lingered and festered. She went through a myriad of emotions. She likely felt anger, rage, rejection, not feeling good enough, self loathing, betrayal and a hurt so deep that the only way to stop the bleeding was to freeze her heart in layers of ice so that she could become numb. Atom and Adam, who were basically twin brothers, probably fought over Eve and this further caused Eva to feel left out of the equation. Her festering wound likely caused a significant depression and she didn't feel like she wanted to be in the game anymore, at which point she took her own life. Only the game isn't that simple and she couldn't actually wake up to the really real world without her other part of herself. She couldn't wake up from the nightmare it had become. That was when she discovered that when she chose to drop out of school, she wasn't free because the Afterlife had other plans for her per the rules of the game. Upon killing herself, she changed from being a white cat to being a white dog. She now had to live out her time working in "the underworld" and dealing with troubled "dead" people.
So what is the aftermath of suicide for those left behind? Her sister and her husband surely felt enormous guilt. There was probably grief and a huge sense of loss. Is it possible that Atom really did love his partner so much that he felt such guilt, remorse and loss that he eventually took his own life too and thus went from being a black cat to a black dog and resumed his place next to his partner in "the underworld"? I think these are very strong possibilities based on what I know about my own patterns which I will discuss next.
A huge pattern I have noticed is infidelity. I have been surrounded by people cheating on their partners and, for most of my life, I have been very rigid and judgemental about it. I have abhorred the cheater. It was like life kept presenting me with opportunity after opportunity to make different choices this time and I wasn't getting it.
I have sexual hang-ups. When I was in my 20s I would experience real guilt and self loathing when I had sex with someone. I would go for long periods of celibacy. I often feel like I could live the rest of my life without sex and be completely okay with it. This, of course, is an imbalance. I know this but am not sure how I can correct it because there have been no opportunities presented to do so.
I was perpetually single in my youth. I had a lot of hostility towards the male gender and a lot of fear if a guy actually said he loved me. My first innocent boyfriend who asked me to "go steady" with him was when I was 12. He made the mistake of telling me he loved me and I immediately broke up with him after. I briefly liked a boy when I was 14 and we kissed a little and held hands. He told me he loved me and I got really annoyed the second time he said it and told him he had no idea what love was and told him I didn't want to see him anymore. It was a pattern with me. I liked the ones who didn't like me back because they were safe. A sure way to get me to end my crush was to reciprocate. You see, in my mind, love equals pain and I didn't want to be hurt.
I have had a lot of anger issues throughout my life. Sometimes I feel so angry that if I could annihilate this planet with a button, I would do it. I know I have the potential to be very cutting and mean when I am angered too. Thankfully I have been able to calm the Beast inside since heading down a spiritual path.
I experienced a plethora or selfloathing and often felt like I wasn't good enough. I was anorexic-bulimic. I mostly starved myself a lot and when I ate and felt guilty about it, I would make myself throw up. I never thought I was worth very much. As a third child, I felt perpetually left out and overlooked. I felt invisible. When I was a young child I would play out fantasies in my head where there was a contest between me and other girls and the guy I fancied would choose me over them. That is a huge one. I want to be chosen as a first choice and not just as an afterthought because they were rejected by the one they wanted. I want to feel special and wanted and valued.
Silence equals death to me. Being cut off and shut off from communication absolutely crushes my soul. It is unbearable when people won't communicate with me or suddenly cut off ties with no explanation. It hurts at first and then becomes a bitter rage that turns to venom.
Suicide is another theme. I am surrounded by suicide. Sometimes it is successful and other times it is simply attempts. When I was 16 I was suicidal and all I could think about was ways to escape this life and all the pressures of it. I ended up dropping out of school that year which successfully alleviated some of the stress from my pressure cooker. Leaving school is exactly what I think Eva did when she killed herself so it was very symbolic in ways because I often have dreams about being back in highschool and being pissed off about it. I suddenly realize I don't have to be there and leave. Recently I have had dreams about finishing school and feeling pleased I actually finished even though I won't get credit for it because I am not back officially or registered. I really struggle with staying in the game. It is a daily battle because there is a part of me that just doesn't want to be here and have to continue to suffer. I am tired. I am in pain and I want out. So I talk about it in hopes that will be enough to keep me in the game another day.
So what now?
I have no idea.
|Art by Luis Royo|
What this theory of Atom and Eva opting out and hanging out in the "Underworld" suggests is that when they split into identical duplicates, they were simply opposites....Atom black cat, Adam white cat, Eve black cat and Eva white cat. But when Eva became a white dog and later Atom became a black dog...in the Underworld...they became the shadow selves and were further polarized from their siblings. Our challenge is to pull ourselves together by loving our shadows and working through the issues from the Original story arch.
Which orginal character do you embody?
What patterns and issues are you being presented with to work through?
I know now that the majority of my heart chakra issues stem from the original story arch of Eva (aka Lilith). I have hypertension and asthma which are both heart chakra related. My Hope is that by acknowledging and working through the issues, I will be able to clear the blockages and then heal both my body and soul.