Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Will Work For Food, An Uncertain Future - Updated

I have debated whether or not to get real and honest about my current circumstances. Part of me just wanted to curl up in a ball and fade away into nothingness. Who am I kidding, part of me still does.

My life is a mess.

My relationship is one where we mutually despise each other. We have stayed under the same roof because of our young daughter and the high cost of housing in Portland. We homeschool our daughter and I have been a stay-at-home mom since she was born. Prior to her birth, I was a nanny for 17 years. All together I have 26 years of child care experience.

A couple years ago my husband was let go of from his job. He finally found something else but it paid $20,000 less than his last job. Money was already tight before, but this pay reduction we knew was going to be a real problem eventually. We have hit that proverbial wall and things are starting to feel desperate and scary because the future feels uncertain. We could end up homeless very soon.

I am deeply unhappy...to the point that death often feels like a viable alternative.

I want out of this marriage but I feel trapped.

I have no money of my own, no car, no debt, no credit.

I have tried to come up with options for digging myself out of this hole. I won't compromise what I feel is best for my daughter and sticking her in a public school where they will try to make her sit still is not a path I want to travel. I know where that path leads and I will not medicate my daughter to make her a compliant zombie. I could take her and go to stay with my mother in Missouri. She has a car I could use and could be at home with Inara during the day. But moving back to Missouri is only trading one hell for another. Mom has offered to bring her car here so that I have a way to get to and from a job, which might be a better option, but then there is the issue of actually getting a job. I haven't worked for 9 years and now I have a mini me I need to bring with me.

I was thinking about having to do the whole resume thing and getting a childcare job that would allow me to bring my daughter to work with me. I also considered how much of my thoughts and opinions I have put out into the public and considered I might have to hide who I am again for the sake of work.

I don't want to have to hide.

I don't want to have to pretend to be something I am not.

I am a freak and I fly my flag high and proud. I love to write. I have alternative thoughts and opinions. I say "fuck" a lot. I raise my daughter in an alternative way. My daughter likes to say she wears her darkness on the inside. I say I wear my smile on the inside. Just because you can't see it on my face doesn't mean it isn't there.

Surely there is an employer out there somewhere who could appreciate me and all of my weirdness. Surely there is an equally freakish match for me who could hire me (and my daughter by default) and we would mutually thrive and benefit. If you seriously think you can help me and my daughter, please email me. oktobre17 (at) live dot com. I will consider relocating for the right position.

UPDATE:
On July 17, 2017 my mom was hit by a driver. Thankfully she and my sister are okay but the car that was going to be my salvation is now out of commission. Now we could say that I have really shitty luck or see it as guidance and two paths being closed off to me by my guides. It would be nice if they could show me a clear path that is going to save me from homelessness and starvation.