Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Dark Side of Channeling Erik

Ahhhh Channeling Erik....

What once felt like inspiration has become something very different over time.

Elisa claimed on a number of occasions that she had no desire to profit from the death of her son but it is my estimation she is doing just that with her multiple books, her desire for TV shows and radio shows. She once said she was going to start a non-profit so that any money that was made would go to help people. I just checked and could find no evidence of a non-profit in existence in Erik's name. She was going to dump the job in Jamie's lap and I checked that site too and still see no evidence to suggest that there is a non-profit that exists so that the proceeds from the books or whatever else are put to good use. Using it it to make more and more books is not putting it to good use, in my opinion. I was in the Channeling Erik group when Elisa tried to guilt members into buying multiple books because it wasn't selling well enough. She tried to guilt people into sharing her blog post more and she had to have X number of people like her Facebook page in order to ensure another book is published. I find this behavior really abhorrent.

It isn't just her that is profiting from Erik's death. The mediums she enlists to "channel Erik" get drawn into the Erik machine and they happily channel Erik for blog members for a price. Then there is the plethora of blog members who were "told by Erik" that they are meant to do this work be it psychic, medium or otherwise and they throw up a site and start channeling Erik too for a price. Essentially Erik is a prostitute and you can have time with him if you pay. It is all the rage, apparently.

What is my beef with all of these people worshiping Erik and channeling Erik? They are all creating dependency. They themselves are dependent on someone outside of themselves and in their marketing of Erik, they are also encouraging others to be dependent on him and them. Creating dependence on someone outside of you is the opposite of spiritual. Part of what we are supposed to be teaching in spirituality is that each of us have our own answers inside of us. Each of us need to connect with our own higher self...the God within. We need to be EMPOWERING people and not dis-empowering by creating dependency. ALL OF THE ANSWERS YOU SEEK ARE WITHIN YOU!! Seriously. Everyone can connect with spirit but what you should be trying to connect with is not outside beings be they physical or spirit. You should be trying to connect with the highest aspect of you. We all have the potential to develop abilities so don't look to someone else and think "but I can't do what they do." Well have you tried? Have you put in any effort to develop your abilities that lay dormant in each of us until we choose to use it and practice?

Onto an even darker side...

A friend shared a site with me today of another Erik dependent person. This is a bit from her page:

"And so, the journey began that way. Erik sent me gooshey love songs that I would have never sung to myself. He helped me understand how to recognize and interpret spirit “gestures” and have confidence in the meaning."

Here we go! Here is another one. This sounds all too familiar, love songs and whispering sweet nothings, etc. So far since I found CE, I could name close to 10 people if I include myself who have been romanced by this thing we call "Erik." I am not into fear mongering, but coming upon yet another gave me serious pause today and made me question everything I thought I knew. Yes, I am one of these people who was romanced by this thing...whatever "Erik" really is. I have known and talked to some of these women at length and I tell you that it fucks us all up. Not only do we become confused and emotional wrecks, everyone thinks we are crazy. Everyone thinks we are delusional. I am here to tell you that I am neither. Maybe I was lonely and unhappy and I was misled by this thing called "Erik" but nothing more. My question is, what type of higher being would do this to women? I honestly don't think a HIGHER being would do such a thing and I will tell you why. Because it encourages the humans involved to not really want to have physical relationships. In the long run it creates a heap of misery for the human.

So again I ask, what is this thing we call "Erik"? I believe you should question everything. What would be the motive for a being to do this? And I would bet you there are a hell of a lot more people experiencing what I and others have than we know about. A lot of people are going to keep it to themselves. I have considered on a couple of occasions that this thing feeds on us...on our energy. We focus on him and by default give him energy. But what if it creates an illusion that he is a primary soul mate or (barf) twin flame? Those individuals will give infinitely more of their energy freely. It feeds itself and becomes bigger with larger tentacles and all the adoration of this thing just gives it more power. Just maybe it is possible that the real spirit of Erik can't be heard because the monster tulpa we have created is so much louder and stronger. Maybe the real Erik wants no part of being prostituted. Maybe the real Erik stepped away ages ago and quietly reincarnated somewhere.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

I Am Not My Body - Making it Personal

I have written about this subject before but then elected to delete the blog post because I was a coward and it made me uncomfortable to reveal things that felt so personal and still very much something I struggled with in my own life. I have written poems about physical appearance too which you can find here on my blog.

This blog post has been developing in my head for a while and I think I am finally ready to get real with all of you and share my thoughts, my experiences and my feelings about it all.

I love my mom. I was always very attached to her when I was a child. My mom was unfortunate enough to be in an abusive marriage. The barrage of verbal abuse was daily. My mom gained weight and my father used to say the most horrible things to her. He would make lustful comments about other women in front of her and us regularly. How could this not chip away at her self esteem over time. How could this not be extremely toxic and damaging? My mom gained weight. At first just a little weight and later quite a lot. It seemed like she was always on some diet and at one point she lost quite a lot of weight but looked very sickly. And then she gained all of the weight back and then some.

I can't remember the first time my father told me what a fat ass I had and how I was going to end up looking just like my mother, but it was more than once. And it became a personal fear. I think I was about 13 or 14 when he said it to me the first time. I can remember being in Kentucky while visiting my cousin and seeing how fat my mom had gotten actually disgusted me. I vowed I would kill myself if I ever got as fat as my mom.

I went through a period of being bulimic and then switched to not eating. I would get a high from not eating and I would go as long as I could and eat as little as I could. The praise I got for losing weight was ever present. "Oh you look amazing!" "You look so much better." So all this positive reinforcement made me keep it up. I think I pretty much lived on coffee and cigarettes to get me through a day. Who cares that I would faint every now and then. Everything is fine as long as you are thin and pretty, right? I was extremely disdainful of people who were overweight because they represented my biggest fear.

When I became a full-time live-in nanny, suddenly I was having to sit with people every night and was being watched by the entire family. I was acutely aware that I needed to be an example to the kids and dutifully ate my dinner. Over time I naturally gained weight. It bothered me but I tried not to let it get to me that much. When I go back and read old journals, I can see what a focus it was in my mind. It didn't help that I was depressed and lonely living in Michigan. I never found my tribe there and never felt I had a place and people that I fit with.

Eventually I did get as fat as my mom. I haven't killed myself yet over it. lol I married, had a baby, and went through a lot of internal changes. I went through a period of having lost a lot of weight about 4 years ago and then I gained it all back when I went back to a normal diet. The diet and excessive exercise I was on was causing me to lose my hair which made me equally unhappy.

I have lived both sides of the coin. I have been both head turning beautiful and the person that gets completely overlooked and assumptions made about. Here is what I have learned.

I wasn't happy when I was thin and beautiful. I was miserable, in fact. Sure there were tons of people who would stop me and want to know me. People gave me things for free be it drinks, no cover charge at the bars I went to or even fruit at a stand where the guy thought I was hot. People fall all over themselves for outward beauty. People would want to know me but here is the catch. They would want to know me as far as having me around but they want to project onto you their ideal no matter how many times you try to tell them who you are inside. The majority of the people I knew back then never could see ME...the me inside.

I am overweight now and I know what kind of assumptions people make about me as I have likely made them about others before during my fat phobia years. I know people assume I am lazy and sit around over eating and eating crappy food. That couldn't be further from the truth.

When people want to attack you, the first thing they often go for and try to use to attack you is your personal appearance. It used to bother me but it no longer has a negative charge for me.

I could lose weight when I deal with my internal emotional baggage but a part of me doesn't want to. About 4 years ago when I lost a lot of weight, people were suddenly treating me different and were more responsive to me. The way I see it is my weight weeds out those who are rather shallow and superficial. It saves me the trouble of wasting my time to find this out later. If you don't want to know me and spend time with me when I am 220 pounds then I don't want you in my life when I am 120 pounds. I am still the same person inside at any weight or age.

It has been a very long and arduous journey to love and acceptance of myself as I am in this now moment. I am not going to say, "Oh I will love myself when I have lost _____ pounds." because that would make me no better than the shallow superficial people who only make time for those who are pleasing to their eye. I have to love and value ALL of me in this now moment exactly as I am.

There are many spiritual reasons why we hold onto to extra weight. You know those people who are heavy even though they eat well and are active? Usually there is an emotional and spiritual reason for the extra weight. I have had various dreams that highlight what some of my reasons are as a way to help me work through it and release what I need to release. Here is one of those dreams:

September 3, 2014 The dream jumps again and I was somewhere...another shop. My male friend runs the shop and he has some notes out on the counter about the applicants he has interviewed and some of his notes included "pretty" "nice figure". I get really upset and ask if that is really something he is looking for in an applicant. I asked him how these things are a determining factor in how well someone can do the job or how well qualified they are. I'm like "look at me! I am fat!" And he says something to the effect of, "well you're different." I am very upset. I say "No, I am not different! Do you know why people are heavy and why they carry extra weight?" I start to sob, "Because we just feel so much and we carry all of that with us. We feel so much pain and we put the weight on to protect us and cushion us." And now I am seeing the shop keeper but he has morphed into an overweight woman. Maybe that was who was living inside him from a past life and maybe why he was obsessed with attractive thin women...because he wanted to be that in a previous life.

I am going to be 47 this month. I will not allow our twisted societal ideas of beauty dictate to me what is beautiful. I will honor and cherish every line on my face. I will honor and cherish my body as it is in every now moment. I will not abuse it with starvation or excessive exercise as I have in the past. I will love and value me exactly as I am right now. We live in a society that worships youth and beauty and the moment that the youthfulness starts to fade, we throw them away. This is especially true of women, but I am sure it happens with men is just we are more inclined to say "oh age looks good on him" and with women we just criticize and say, "Wow, she is getting old".

I suggest we change ourselves and our views and how we measure beauty. I suggest that we not judge a book by it's cover and actually get to know who someone is no matter if they are pretty or plain or old. Physical beauty can disappear in an instant. It could be a fire, a car accident, domestic abuse, violent acts like acid attacks. Everyone will get old eventually. What I suggest right here and right now is that we celebrate aging. I suggest we honor physical changes and be understanding and compassionate towards one another. I am suggesting you take the time to really get to know someone and see the magnificence and beauty that lives on the inside. Physical beauty is fleeting but inner beauty lasts forever.

In the end we are not really physical beings. We are spirit having a physical experience. All the beauty that is you has no real shape or form. The beauty that is you...that is soul...lives inside and is begging to be seen and acknowledged.

I am not my body....but I will love my body.

I know my worth and value and neither is dependent on someone else's opinions of me.

See with your hearts and not your eyes.

Friday, October 9, 2015

It's God's Will

Have you heard this phrase before? Has this phrase passed your own lips?

Link to the story.

God's will.

Hmmmm what do you suppose is "God's Will"? What does it mean to you?

If everything is as it is always supposed to be and there is no real right and wrong because right and wrong is a judgment then we can look at all the school shootings as "God's will." *shrug* "I guess it was God's will that I murdered someone." Why fight crime because "it's God's will" and there is no right and wrong, right?

You see, in my mind, "God's will" is just another fucking cop out for not having accountability or taking responsibility for anything in your life. Why bother doing anything at all ever? You could just call it "God's will," right? It is another way to pass the buck and say "I don't take responsibility for my life or my actions and I am not responsible for anything that is happening to me. Don't look at me, it is God's will."

Guess what I say to that? FUCK THAT!

We can agree that the devil and Satan were created so we don't have to take responsibility for our actions. But guess what? "God's will" is that same fucking ruse only prettied up with an imaginary white haired man in the clouds directing everything in your life.

If we say that we are ALL God in spirituality and then we say "God's will"...what does that really mean? Doesn't it mean that you are in control of your destiny? Maybe you do have your higher self directing you in this little rat maze experiment we call Earth Life, but it is still YOUR will, YOUR choices. How can everything be God's will and then we tell people they are the creators of their own realities?

By saying it is "God's will" you are just giving away all of your power and we are anything but powerless. If you only knew how much power you have, then you would never give away your power again.

I think there is a lot in spirituality that breeds apathy and standing back and doing nothing. By throwing up your hands and saying "oh well, it is God's will" and then going on your merry way, how does that help you or anyone? So you want no judgment and there is no right and wrong? Okay, how about I come over to your house and take your car and brutalize your family and then let's see you tell me again how there is no right and wrong because that is a judgment.

We live in a dualistic world....not an idealistic one and as long as you have shitty people who do shitty things, we will always see one action as right and one as wrong.

Apathy does nothing to change anything. Is it God's will that millions of innocent lives are being taken in a war on terrorism that is based on nothing but lies? And are we to sit back an do nothing because calling it wrong is a judgment? Fuck that! You live in this world and I live in this world and it is up to ALL of us to make it a better place. No one can save us but ourselves. To stand back and take an apathetic non-judgmental view will do nothing to create change.

Yes, be the change you want to see in the world but don't stop there. If you see a stranger who needs help, HELP THEM! If you see an injured and abused animal, DO something and/or call someone. Don't just stand around thinking, "Well it is God's will. There is no right and wrong.""Well someone else will stop. Someone else will help." GET INVOLVED AND GIVE A SHIT. This is your home, your planet. Give a shit and get involved and take action. This planet is your home so everything that happens on it really is YOUR problem. It might be as simple as walking down the road and seeing litter and you think "people suck who litter" but then you stop and you pick that shit up because you see it as your problem because you love the Earth and care about her.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Celebrities on Celebrity Involvement with Causes

There is an episode of Donahue in five parts on YouTube. The below was transcribed from part four. Guests for the show were River Phoenix, Lisa Bonet, Raul Julia, and John Robbins.

CALLER: What I would like to ask is how long have you guys been involved in such projects? Also, I would like for you to address the issues of celebrity involvement and such...such as we know that...

DONAHUE: Why...why don't you tell us what you think of that?

CALLER: What do I think?

DONAHUE: Celebrity involvement.

CALLER: I think it is very important I...I...I think that it, um, as people who are mainstream and seen by America, they can get the ideas out and information to people who don't know like myself and I'm very proud of them. I think these...i think Lisa has shown and River and Raul have shown considerable interest in today's society and I commend them wholly on it and I thank them as a young person. It's good to see other young people involved as well.

DONAHUE: Tell us about this, uh, it is true we are seeing an increase in the numbers of politically active celebrities with special skew to, uh, younger folks including you, Raul, I don't want to be...(laughter)

RAUL: I'm gonna take my tie off.

DONAHUE: Yeah, you better take your tie off. Speak about this and, uh, we've got some people looking through the blinds and wondering who is a hot dog and who isn't and do you really know what you're talking about if you are an actor. What do you really know about nutrition and vaccinations?

LISA: Well...well because we are people, you know. We separate the celebrity from the people, you know, and the thing about life here on Earth and success and glamour, you know and then you attain it and you're like "What do I have?" You know, do I have a healthy family? Am I healthy? Still our celebrities are dying of cancer and AIDs and of this and that. You know, we aren't separate from the realities and the fear that exists on this planet. And the reason why we are here as celebrities is 'cuz we can be here, where as some of these people here in the audience might not be invited.

RAUL: I think celebrity involvement takes, uh, has two aspects. There is the celebrity involvement of the celebrity that comes out into the public and doesn't know much about what they are talking about and they're there just to be seen and you ask them questions and they get (makes tongue tied sounds), you know. So they are there for their own celebrity. Then there is the celebrity involvement that is really committed, that really studies the situation and becomes a master of his cause. Then it goes beyond charity. It's no longer charity. It's a stand that this person has taken, a commitment. And that's what's gonna make a difference. Not "nice charity," "my pet charity" and all that stuff.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

A Retraction...sort of...

Deryck Whibley
I have been thinking a lot after I wrote my last blog post. I have calmed down a lot since I wrote it. I felt kind of bad for the things I said and debated taking it down entirely. Why would I even hesitate to remove it, you might wonder. Because I actually do want Deryck to take this beautiful opportunity he has to REALLY make a difference and DO something meaningful with it. I really do want him to understand the influence he has on all of his fans and to use it wisely for something that isn't self-serving.

This is a Syrian woman trying to keep her baby from drowning.
"In all, some 300,000 people have crossed the Mediterranean Sea into Greece and Italy this year alone, according to the office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees.
Of those, at least 2,373 have died, according to the International Organization for Migration."copied from HERE. The attacks on the World Trade Center killed 2,753 people. Isn't it time we get moved into action and try to DO something to help these people? I implore people to give a shit about what is going on in the world. Get involved. If you think it isn't your problem, think again. We are ONE planet and ONE people.

A Syrian family tries to stay together.There is a crisis going on for these people. They are HUMANS and they need compassion and assistance. Instead they are experiencing hate and being arrested.

This is a Turkish bride and groom who thought it would be better to feed the Syrian refugees with what they would have spent on a wedding reception. I posted an article about this on Deryck's Facebook page, but I suspect it was entirely ignored.
Deryck's wedding reception on Sunday at Hotel Bel Air in Beverly Hills.

Another shot of the reception. They were dancing and oblivious to the pain and suffering being experienced by so many. Can you see and understand why I got so upset?

Despite how harsh I have been, the truth is, I care about him a lot. I wouldn't waste my anger and time on someone I hate. My anger stems from caring too much and feeling frustrated that an amazing opportunity is being wasted on superficial nonsense. You might wonder if this is typically how I treat someone I care about deeply. The answer to that would be, yes, this is typical for me. Hahaha The only physical fight I ever got into where three cop cars pulled up to break it up was with my very best friend in all the world. (Happy Birthday, Shannon! I love you!) Thirty years later she is still my very best friend. I mean, I am not an asshole usually but when I get fired up about something, I don't have a lot of filters. There isn't much standing in the way between the thought and saying it. I don't ponder, "Should I say that?" I just blurt it out and there it is. It isn't always pretty when that happens, but on the plus side, my friends know they will get an honest answer when they ask me for my opinion about something.

But what if my words piss Deryck off enough that he never wants to talk to me again? If my words make him say, "Fuck you, bitch. I will prove how NOT shallow I am!" and then he goes out and gets passionate about something and as a result his fans get passionate about the same thing, then sacrificing any future friendship with him is worth it. I want my words to light a fire so strong that it isn't likely to go out. If I can create a domino effect that creates change in the world, I would happily sacrifice myself for that.

Peyton aka _sum41_
Part of what calmed me down was talking to a Sum 41 fan I adore. (Hi, Peyton!) I mentioned about going through comments that fans post on Facebook and Instagram and reading a lot of them. Sure there are the idiots who all say the same or mention some of the things I have discussed in previous blog posts, but I haven't talked yet about the gems amongst the sea of throw away comments. I have previously gone through comments and responded to people who have gotten real and poured out their hearts. I wanted them to feel like they have been seen and heard even if it wasn't by their hero. It gave me pause to think about because I really do care about these kids and I was ready to just walk away in a fit of anger. It made me stop and think, "What the fuck are you doing, Oktobre?!"

 These kids are AMAZING! They are talented artists like Peyton Mallory...

Art: Peyton Mallory
Art: Peyton Mallory

and Dario Ponessa (aka the_jester_art)...

Art: Dario Ponessa (aka the_jester_art)

and poets and musicians like Nicholis Klopper...

Some of them are voices of reason who I know are always going to say something sensible and level-headed like Jimmy Capel and Joey Padron. There are those who are cheerleaders and faithfully support Deryck and his band and are unwavering like Lula Whibley, Veenza41, ga_muser, and Linameww. They are this beautiful community of artists, poets, musicians and misfits and I adore them and applaud them. How can I simply walk away from this community? I can't no matter how annoyed or irritated I get about things and my guides know it. lol

Deryck, I apologize for being so harsh and hurtful.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Why Does This Always Happen to Me?

 How many times have you heard someone say something similar to this?

"Why does this always happen to me?"

Maybe you have uttered those words at some point in your lifetime and maybe you have heard it from friends. I know in my younger years I used to say it a lot.

*drum roll*

The reason this keeps happening to you is because there is a lesson that you aren't getting. When you don't get the lessons that life is throwing at you, life will happily throw more of the same shit your way until you finally get it.

When I say "life" I really mean you/your higher self because you create your entire reality. It's okay if you don't want to take responsibility for your reality and keep saying that others are doing this to you, but the sooner you do take responsibility, the sooner you can become a conscious creator and turn things around. The sooner you look at the situations that always happen to you, the sooner you can identify where you need to make some adjustments and make different choices so you don't have to keep experiencing the same situation a million times only with different people.

Denial is a powerful thing and there are plenty who want to whine and complain and think that they aren't at fault and it is everyone else who is doing this to them. Hahahaha Sorry, but it really makes me laugh when that happens. I have been there and I KNOW. I was full of excuses and blame and nothing was ever my fault. I get it, but I also get that you can't ever grow to your full potential and have the experiences you think you want to have until you can humble yourself and look in the mirror and recognize that the reason "this" keeps happening to you stems from you alone.

We manifest every single experience...good and bad. But good and bad is a judgement therefore in the end there are only experiences. The sooner you look at every experience in your life as a learning opportunity, the sooner you will actually examine each experience and GAIN something positive no matter how painful. It tends to be the painful experiences that help us to grow the most. When I look back at my life, it is the experiences I didn't think I would survive that helped transform me the most.

Friday, July 10, 2015

Embracing Change and The Oddity of Fandom Part 2


I debated staying up last night to write about what was bouncing around my head but I was too tired so opted for sleep instead. Now I am stuck composing this on my phone which I really didn't want to have to do, but what are you going to do when the only computer is being occupied? There is nothing left to do but adapt and push forward. I need to get this out of me. It needs to be said. It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads it. I will feel better for having said it.

A band I follow recently posted an announcement for a pre-order for the new album they are recording. It isn't as if the new album was news to the people who are following them closely but everyone was excited for the opportunity to pre-order the long awaited new album. So many comments flooded in. There were lots of positive comments but then there are always those that like to tell the band what sound it should have and that it should sound like blah blah blah previous album. They don't want any ballads. They don't want another Screaming Bloody Murder album. They don't want this and they don't want that. They are pissed off because Dave and Stevo are no longer in the band. They want Deryck to stop wearing hats. They want Deryck to always wear his hair spiked the way he used to. They always want them to have campy silly photo shoots. Never let us see you have matured and grown. Better not age either because that might piss off some. People feel so entitled to say some of the most horrendous things to celebrities as if they aren't human and have no feelings. I'm sure this isn't an exclusive phenomenon experienced only by Sum 41. I'm pretty sure this fear of change is felt by every band who has any kind of following. I sat there reading the comments and I got really annoyed and was thinking "Fuck off!" I am still not sure why I got so annoyed and took the comments so personally. I am not a musician but I do consider myself an artist of sorts...a writer/poet. 

This isn't a new topic. I have discussed it in comments on the Sum 41 Instagram page. More than once I have discussed how I feel about it all. From a spiritual stand point, I understand that the people who want the music and the band to stay exactly the same have a fear of change and this is being reflected in their desire to keep the things in their life exactly the same. Their desire to keep things exactly the same is so strong that they try to control those around them...including the bands they love. They threaten to not be a fan anymore or they say mean and hateful things. It would be very easy to get upset and lash out at some of these people but each person has a story. Each person has feelings and their reactions are based in a fear of change. I had to step away, pause and think about it instead of reacting out of anger.

Perhaps the best I can do is write this blog and try to show them that their desire to keep their favorite band exactly the same is based in a fear of change and reflects their own fear of moving forward and change in their own lives. The majority of the Sum 41 fans are angsty teens whose whole lives feel volatile and unstable because they are nearing that point where big changes are getting ready to take place be it leaving high school, starting college, etc. Kids are highly hormonal at that point as well, therefore emotions are all over the place. They desire something constant and stable in their lives if they have a sense that their life is out of control...which is why they seek to try to control what matters to them most like a band whose music speaks to their angst.

My hope is that some of these people will recognize their fear of change and then choose to face it. I challenge them to embrace change. Embrace change in yourselves and in others...even if it means your paths part because of it.

Here is the thing, we all have free will to choose. If a band no longer makes music you dig, move on and discover something new that speaks to your soul. There are SO many bands out there to choose from. It is okay to hold a special place in your heart for the albums you loved that are basically like a soundtrack for a specific time period in your life, but don't expect anyone to stay exactly the same because of your fear of change.

Below is an exchange that took place after the below photo was posted on Instagram:

oktobre17: sum41 Long live Sum 41!! May tomorrow always bring about changes for all of you that help you be the very best versions of yourselves. May "right now" always be the moment you cherish most and be filled with all the music of your soul.

sum41:Thank u. This is the sum 41. That is excited and wants to be here and play music for the world! oktobre17

oktobre17: sum41 I know this is the version that wants to be here and make music and you have my love and support. it frustrates me seeing how difficult it is for some to accept change in others be it your hair, the sound of the music, the shoes you wear. My marriage ended because my husband couldn't accept the changes I had made with my beliefs. What I have come to accept and learn is that those who no longer serve our highest good naturally fall away from our lives the moment we let go and let the Universe work its magic. When that which doesn't serve us anymore falls away, it makes room for that which IS for our highest good to reach us. I embrace change in myself and others. Staying stagnate and the same would mean you aren't learning and growing. You, my friend, have done a beautiful job of changing. You are the Phoenix rising from the ashes and being reborn into something new and better than your last incarnation. I have mad respect for you, Deryck.

user1: Oh what happened to the days where you guys use to look happy

oktobre17: user1 is that what you see? Unhappy? I see three men who have matured and grown. I see warriors who have come back with new resolve and determination. I see a new dad who likely is thinking about what kind of world and legacy he wants to create for his child. I see a newly married man who is juggling being a member of two bands and his personal life. I see a man who has been to hell and back who hasn't given up....a man whose big motivation is to create something new for all of you and be able to perform it for you later. Must they always stay the same and have the same goofy silly shots to be deemed happy? sum41

user1: Not saying that at all tho I do not follow there personal life's to much.

oktobre17: If you look at the posts on this sum41 account, you are following their personal lives. Deryck has shared all of those tidbits along the way.

user1: oktobre17 or your just don't understand the meaning of "to much"

oktobre17: Do you mean "too* much"? Sure I do...but I am on a roll today and I figure "what the fuck" and threw caution to the wind and spoke my mind and my heart regardless of it still being a Mercury retrograde. Hahaha oh well. I have always maintained that it would be far better to actually have real dialogue than one-liner quips.

user1: oktobre17 so what your say is you take pleasure in coming on here and trying to put people down good to know.

oktobre17: Are you saying that is how you feel? I have not intended to put you down. My intention is always to be a friend to sum41 and show him my support. I get frustrated when I see comment after comment about people whinging about his hair not being the same or wanting the music to be exactly the same, or want them to always maintain the same playful campiness in photos they are known for. There are shitloads of people who complain that Dave and Steve aren't in the band as if Deryck has a hand in their no longer being in the band. Dave and Steve made free will choices to move on and do something else. This was not something Deryck wanted but he has no control over their choices. Deryck's main focus right now is to move forward with his life and part of that is creating the best fucking Sum 41 album of his life...until the next one. My point is, I wish people would stop lamenting and pining away for what was and embrace and support what is now with the band. My apologies if you felt put down. It is not my intention, user1

user2: oktobre17 people have different tastes and opinions and miss things. It doesn't mean they dislike a thing. I miss the old sum 41 because of the crazy photos and punk side to it and it's good for a band to know what their fans like. They could try and satisfy most ppl with different styles.

oktobre17: user2 musicians are ARTISTS...not some factory churning shit out just to please the consumer. They take everything that is twisted inside of them and create something and simply hope that some people resonate with their creations. But they create primarily because it is a spark in their soul that drives them. Their creations are expressions of who they are in this now moment. If an artist tries to churn out shit to please others, then they are not being authentically themselves. Wouldn't you rather they were true to themselves rather than caring so much what others want them to be? I am a writer and if someone tried to tell me what to write and how to write it, it wouldn't be my creation. It wouldn't have the same flavor of who I am because I would care too much about what others want and not what I feel compelled to say/write. We should all strive to authentically be ourselves and not bend to conformity of what others wish us to be. sum41

user2: oktobre17 im not saying they can't change. Im open minded and appreciate all they do but as a fan I am allowed to say that I liked AKNF or Chuck UH whatever more and I wish they play around with different sounds more and take more photos without it looking all the same these days with just a different background.

user3: I don't want a change I like how they are song like motivation, into deep , fat lip , walking disaster , and underclass hero songs like that please listen to the fans and stay that way


Monday, April 27, 2015

Repeating Patterns and Doors of Opportunity

On this journey called "life," we all develop patterns along the way. Sometimes those patterns are helpful and sometimes those patterns leave us stuck and repeating behavior that isn't for our highest good. We each are a sum of all our parts. Every single experience along the way helps to create the people we are in this now moment...baggage and all. It influences how we see the world and the way we interpret the information coming in. We unconsciously manifest situations over and over again in order for us to repeat these patterns. When you become a conscious creator, you understand that everything that appears in your life is something you alone manifested for the LESSON. When we continue to repeat the patterns instead of making different choices, we will keep creating similar situations that often end up compounding and adding to the issues we already need to face and come to terms with.

Every single relationship in our lives is a door of opportunity to make different choices. We only need to step back and recognize our own patterns.

In recent months, I have been given doors of opportunity to recognize my own patterns and make different choices. It is never easy to face your own shadows. It is never easy to look at a situation and see where you are going down a similar path of miscommunication and stuffing your true self aside to keep the peace and please the other person. Make no mistake, I have no one to blame but myself for the choices I was making. It is up to me to stand up and demonstrate self-love by being authentically me. It is up to me to make different choices so that I don't end up right back where I just came from. I take full responsibility for me and every situation, be it wonderful or difficult, that appears in my life.


I think the hardest thing to do is to make different choices in the face of knowing that those choices will cause pain and heartache for all involved. It is hard to make different choices when you know that it requires you to walk away or change the dynamics with someone you love so deeply that it feels your heart could burst. When you can make the painful choices, it means you are finally changing patterns. It means you are finally learning and freeing yourself of old destructive behaviors that no longer serve you.

No matter how much you love someone, sometimes the most loving thing you can do for both of you is to walk away while you still feel that love. Often when we stay and we repeat those patterns, we start to feel resentments that chips away at the love you feel for each other. The issues and problems become bigger than the love. Anger and hatred come in and set up camp where love used to dwell.

When you make those painful choices, it might hurt so bad that you just wish you could close your eyes and never have to wake again. There might be floods of tears and doubt that you have made the right choices. But eventually the sun will shine again. Eventually the tears will fade. Eventually you will be able to breathe again and be able to take a step through that door of opportunity you opened and travel down your new path you just created.

I am ever so grateful for the opportunities I have been given to make new choices. It has been painful and I have cried buckets of tears and had many sleepless nights, but I am still grateful. To the people who have helped create those opportunities, I sincerely thank you and love you very much. Without these opportunities, I can't become the very best version of me that I want to become.

Ask yourself what patterns you are repeating. What steps can you take to dramatically change your life for the better? Don't let fear hold you back. Love yourself and take that difficult first step to ending old destructive patterns.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Unschooling, Self-esteem, Healing Solar Plexus Issues

It is interesting how just the normal everyday things we participate in bring up opportunities for us to heal and clear blocks. Maybe it is our guides whispering in our ears and guiding us there. Maybe it is the Universe helping to create those perfect opportunities for us to see our issues and what we still need to work on and release. My way of working through my issues and blocks has been to come here and write it all out and tell all of you about it. It is cathartic.

Yesterday Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 posted this photo on Instagram. He has been helping produce a song for his friend Todd.

As I viewed the photo, I was in awe how anyone could ever learn what all of the knobs and buttons do and I suddenly realized that Deryck learned how to do all of that in the studio simply by being interested and passionate about music...probably by observing someone else do it and likely asking a lot of questions. And then it dawned on me and I got excited when I thought, "Oh my god, he is a Life Learner! How wonderful!" Upon this realization, I felt compelled to make the below comment on his photo:

You know what I think is pretty fucking awesome,@sum41 ? You didn't go to school and sit in some boring class to learn what you know. You did it through life learning (aka unschooling). The theory behind unschooling/life learning is that if you allow children/people to learn about what they have an interest in, they develop a love for learning. Some people go to school to learn what you are doing. You know how to do it because of your passion and love for music. You were motivated to learn. I dropped out of school when I was 16. I used to beat myself up about it and feel ashamed about it until I understood what unschooling was. I feel I am very intelligent and self-educated. I simply learned about the things I cared most about. Life is an excellent teacher and force feeding kids crap they don't give a shit about and locking them away in school for most of their days and inundating them with homework is not helpful. Sorry...soapbox. Stepping down now. Just thank you for inadvertently being a life learner and being so impressive with what you have chosen to teach yourself. I have tons of respect for you.

I hesitated after posting and had the urge to delete it because, yet again, I felt like I had revealed too much. I revealed a secret that I rarely tell anyone...I dropped out of school. And there it shit laying before me in black and white.

You may remember, if you have read my previous blog posts, me mentioning details of my volatile childhood. The pressures of home and the dysfunction there combined with the pressures of school was just too much. I wasn't the expressive person I am today. I bottled everything up and kept it inside. I was like a bottle of kombucha left to ferment in a closed bottle. Eventually the pressure would build enough to make the bottle shatter. I was thinking about ways to kill myself on a daily basis. I wanted out. I wanted the pain, the pressure and the stress to stop. I knew running away from home wasn't an option because I knew my father would hunt me down and drag me back kicking and screaming. 

Also, since entering junior high school, I started to understand just how ridiculous it was that they were trying to force me to learn about things I didn't care about nor did I believe I would ever have a use for it in my life. I struggled in school...not because I didn't understand but because I had no interest and passion about what I was learning about. I felt forced to be somewhere that I didn't really want to be. I felt forced to learn about things I had zero interest in. 

In my 9th grade year I left half way through and took home courses and was allowed to go at my own pace. I was finished with that year early as a result. What I really wanted at that point was to be sent away to performing arts school but my family lived paycheck to paycheck, so that never happened. I re-entered institutionalized learning for my 10th grade year. I was different in the way I chose to look...wild hair, vintage clothes with a style all my own. I was an easy target because of it. Kids can be cruel and they were to me. I remember vividly some male student I didn't even know came up to me and asked me how much I charged...basically insinuating that I looked like a prostitute. I was wearing fitted black ski pants, a vintage bright blue short waisted jacket, a sequined bright blue wide belt, matching blue high heeled shoes and a cute little blue vintage hat that had a veil that came down over the eyes. Yes, I looked different but I wasn't dressed in revealing clothes. The funny thing about that mean comment is that a year or so later, black stirrup pants would become a thing and all the girls would eventually be wearing tight black pants similar to what I had worn. I was just ahead of the trend...a trail blazer.

One day I just snapped. I couldn't do it anymore and I told my mom, "I want to drop out of school" and explained to her that if I wasn't able to relieve one of the pressures in my life, I felt like I would eventually follow through with my suicidal thoughts. My mom wasn't pleased about it but I think my choice also motivated her to look at her life and leave my father for a second and final time. 

I lived in a college town where usually the first question when getting to know someone is "So, what is your major?" I did eventually get my GED but I heard over and over people making fun of those who had gotten GEDs rather than a proper high school diploma. They were looked down upon. I made a point to try not to mention anything about my education. It was a source of embarrassment for me. I had friends who seemed to enjoy insulting me in round-a-bout ways because *gasp* I didn't go to college and they somehow thought they were more intelligent than me because of it.

I did eventually go to nanny school and you might think, "How hard could nanny school be?" It was a lot harder than you might think. It was two years worth of child development classes crammed into 9 months. It was a lot of pressure and I didn't enjoy it. I get test anxiety and even if I know all the information, I blank when a test is before me. It was a reminder that I am not really cut out for institutionalized learning.

I took a job in Michigan and was with a family there for 8.5 years. I made the mistake, in a moment of confidence, of sharing with the oldest child (12 or 13 at the time) about feeling suicidal and dropping out of school at 16. In a moment of rage he used that information against me and said some of the most hurtful things to me about me not being educated. It cut me to the core and I swore I would never open up like that again and share that information for someone to use it as a weapon against me. 

But really, the only way to prevent information about ourselves being a weapon for another is to heal and take away the negative charge we feel when it comes up. People can't use something against you if you develop a different perspective about it and it doesn't bother you anymore.

Fast forward to having my daughter. As a parent you have all of these big decisions to make for your child. I haven't taken those choices lightly and have researched the things I feel are most important. We co-sleep, practiced full-term breastfeeding, attachment parented, started eating organic, etc. One of the things we researched was what we would do about education. One of my mommy friends talked about unschooling. This was a new phrase to me. "What is unschooling?" I asked. In a nutshell, unschooling is self-directed, life-based learning. Some people call it "life learning" and it can look very different for each family. When people ask us about Inara's school, I find it a lot easier simply to say "We are home schooling," rather than have to try to explain what unschooling is to some random stranger.

Basically those of us who practice unschooling believe that you can learn all that you need in life just by living and having an interest in what you want to learn about. The person who learns about something they actually care about becomes passionate and the knowledge gained isn't just tossed away as "omg I am never gonna use this". It is remembered and they go forward with a voracious appetite to learn more. We learn SO much better when we are learning about what we care about and when we are actually DOING rather than from a text book and home work. I truly hope that we see a resurgence of apprenticeships and people shadowing someone who is doing what they want to do as a profession.

When I learned about unschooling, it helped me realize I wasn't "uneducated" as some people would like to say. I am LIFE EDUCATED. I am a Life Learner/Unschooler but simply didn't know back then there had been studies and books written about it. I do wish I had known about it so much earlier because it really would have helped me with my self-esteem and insecurities. It was my midwife telling me she had 3 grown unschoolers that helped me decide that we would unschool our daughter. Here is a great video by a grown unschooler:

I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and, thanks to the internet, SO much knowledge is available to us at our finger tips. If we want to find where we can go to encourage one of our daughter's interests, a quick internet search will turn up things for us to choose from. If we want to learn about something on the fly that she has a question about, we can easily look it up.

I didn't finish high school. I didn't go to college. I didn't get a degree. My education has been life-based and self-directed. I am an intelligent person and my value is not less because I didn't subject myself to forced education for as long as some people do.

So, yeah...when I recognize another as being a life learner, especially one in the public eye, I get excited...especially when they are an amazing example of all you can do and learn when passion for that knowledge is present.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Alpha Companions Explained - An Update

Artist John William Godward
As we travel on our journeys, information is given to us by our guides. Sometimes it is a bit vague and we are left trying to understand what a new phrase or concept means. We continue on and more pieces of the puzzle come together and a picture starts to emerge that helps us understand better that new concept or phrase. This has been true for me with the "alpha companion" phrase.

More information has come in which gives the phrase a slightly different meaning than what I understood at the time. The phrase came to me a couple times in dreams. I had never heard the phrase before until then. I was trying to explain the new information to my friend, Cynthia, and she urged me to write a blog post about it to help people understand. It will be difficult for some to wrap their head around this, but I will do the best I can and then link this blog post to my old post about this topic. And since I woke at 1:30 a.m. and struggled to go back to sleep because all of this Alpha Companion stuff was rattling through my head, I figure if I get it out of me, I can finally sleep...until the next spiritual thing that nags me. Lol

We have to revisit the terms "twin soul" and "twin flames". For the purpose of this alpha companion explanation, a twin soul is just that...a sibling...a twin...another identical copy of that being. A twin flame is the person you CHOOSE to travel the most with...the person you have lived the most lives with...your primary soul mate...your eternal love. I will talk more about them both later.

When you think of the soul and all the past lives connected to that one stream, you could see it as a branch off from a bigger river. It is a creek meandering through the woods gaining experience. There can be many creeks that feed into a bigger stream and then the streams meet at the big river...the over soul. The big rivers flow into the ocean and become one (Source/God). Sometimes a stream makes a split and flows through the land going forward in a parallel way and somewhere down the way, they rejoin and become one bigger stream again. They were always the same stream that became two creeks for a time but then came back together to be a bigger body of water, a stream. Last night when I was thinking about it all, I had images of electrical currents diverging briefly and then coming back together to form one electrical current. I just happened to come across the perfect illustration for this on the National Geographic site.

Photograph by Lynda Smith
The two streams are essentially identical. Think identical twins exactly alike in their energetic make up. The only differences they have are the experiences they have as they move forward. Let's think of those twins as TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN. One is more feminine, one more masculine. One yin and one yang. One heads and one tails. They are identical energetically but display decidedly different characteristics to get a different perspective and experience. They are two halves of a whole, yet complete entirely on their own. The main difference is the smaller version of the larger body. The other difference is choosing to experience what it is like to go through life with two different perspectives and personalities and attributes. One is funny, the other serious. One conservative, one outgoing. Because they are twins, certain attributes will always shine through making them similar.

The two creeks flowing could be having very different experiences. One could be having a rough time of it trying to flow past rocks making the current turbulent and the other has an easier time of it flowing through grasslands gently. Eventually the twin creeks come back together to create one bigger body again. THAT is an ALPHA. Two parts of the self coming together to create a higher, larger aspect. The two creeks were perceived as two different souls, but when they come together they create the larger being they started out as. They bring all of their experiences back with them into one current and stream.

When the larger stream then decides to incarnate, this is what we would call an ALPHA BEING. When two alphas incarnate who have chosen to be together for eons, these are called Alpha Companions. They are two beings who come into the physical with the larger aspect of themselves in place. Remember that the two creeks came back together and now live harmoniously as one being inside a human vehicle.

An alpha companion is very much like a twin flame only much bigger, energetically speaking.  Essentially the Alpha Couple is bringing the experiences of 4 beings (and all their combined past lives) to the table. I understand now that I am an alpha. That is how I can have dreams of past lives on Earth but have this be my first and last human Earth incarnation. The alpha had never been in a human body as one being before, but when my alpha split, there were many, many lives lived here as two identical streams.

Going back to the twin flame idea...

I see a twin flame being a primary soul mate and a primary need not be of an identical vibration. They are similar but slightly different. I like to think of them being two musical notes that have similar resonance but play a different sound. Some notes don't work well together and some come together so beautifully that they become a song...a song of love...a love so big and strong that it transcends time, dimensions and all barriers that try to stand in the way.

That is my explanation of what an Alpha Companion and Alpha Being is based on the information that had come to me up to this point. I hope this has made it more understandable to my friends to whom I have been trying to explain it.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

3 Favorite Recipes

I'm going WAY off topic again rather like I did with my kombucha post. Let's face it, a well rounded journey isn't entirely about spirituality. lol These are some favorite recipes I make that I was sharing with a friend tonight and thought...what the hell...I will share it here too.  Pictured below...Front Row: Black Bean Mango Dip, Baba Ghanouj (recipe not below). Second Row: Hummus, Guacamole. These were served at my daughter's second birthday party. Raw vegetables are delicious dipped in the hummus. Warm pita bread was cut into triangles as well. Tortilla chips were served with the guacamole and black bean mango dip.

Oktobre's Hummus

2 cans chick peas
3/4 cups tahini
1 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon cumin (ground)
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1/3 cup water
4 to 6 roasted garlic cloves
Juice of 1 to 2 lemons

I use roasted garlic as I find the fresh crushed garlic in most hummus recipes too strong for my taste preferences. To roast garlic, heat oven to 375 degrees. Peel garlic, place on aluminum foil, drizzle olive oil on top and gather the aluminum allowing for venting. Bake for 30-35 minutes.

I also use more lemon than most recipes as I prefer a lemony hummus.

Combine all ingredients in a food processor (or blender) and blend to desired texture. 

Oktobre's Black Bean-Mango Dip

3 ripe mangoes (diced into small pieces)
1 can black beans (rinsed and drained)
1 fresh jalapeno (chopped into small pieces)
Juice of 1 lime (use 2 limes if they are very small)
1/2 red onion (diced)
1 Tablespoon cumin
1 teaspoon salt (more or less according to taste)
3-6 Tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro

Combine all ingredients and mix well.

Serve with tortilla chips. This dip is also very tasty on fajitas and tacos.

Oktobre’s Guacamole

2-3 ripe avocados (diced)
2-3 ripe tomatoes (diced)
Juice of 1 lemon
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon salt (more or less according to taste)
1 Tablespoon chopped jalapenos (the jarred variety)
3 Tablespoons chopped cilantro

Combine all ingredients in a medium sized mixing bowl. Stir gently. Unlike traditional guacamole, you want large chunks of avocado to be visible in your dip.

Serve with tortilla chips. This dip is also very tasty on fajitas and tacos.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Getting Shit Wrong

this illustration was borrowed from this SITE
I have been thinking about this topic for a few days. How many of us on our awakening journey have gotten shit wrong? How many of us have believed something one minute and then completely changed our mind about it the next minute? How many intuitives, psychics and mediums have you talked to and it felt off and wrong?

I want to let you in on a little secret....

We ALL get shit wrong!!! Yes everyone! Even the best psychics get it wrong at times.

I have a perfectionist personality and it has been hard to get so much shit wrong. I have all these pieces to my puzzle and I am trying very hard to put it together to make sense of it all and understand it. I have gotten shit wrong and at times thought things that were way off. Does it make me crazy? Nope. Does it make me less intuitive than the next person? Definitely not. It makes me humble and it makes me another human trying to break through my amnesia.

A lot of us on a spiritual journey open ourselves to the possibilities that exist and we know that those possibilities are vast and sometimes extraordinary. Sometimes those possibilities are just too much for the muggle mind to comprehend. With so much to choose from, like an endless salad bar with options as far as the eye can see and beyond, is it any wonder that when trying to understand who we are and why we are here we get shit wrong? We pile that shit on our plate and are like, "Yeah bring it on!"

When we are trying to sort out and understand our stories, sometimes we twist and turn a puzzle piece to see how it fits. We might even jam it into a space it doesn't really fit because it kinda sorta looks like it should fit. And we shove that sucker in there and say, "damn it! I know you must go there but you aren't going in easily!"

We sit back and look at our masterpiece and realize "That's not right. Why is there an eye on his chin?"

Provided no one was seriously harmed, injured or killed by you getting shit wrong, so fucking what? You got shit wrong. It isn't the end of the world. So what people think you are crazy. So what you felt humiliated when you found out how wrong you were. So what. It doesn't really matter that much to get it wrong.

What matters is that you keep moving forward no matter what. You keep putting those pieces in place. You will get it right eventually. Sometimes we have to get it really wrong before we understand what it feels like when that piece clicks in and feels really right. You know, the whole contrast thing? Yeah that. How can you completely understand joy without knowing sadness? How can you know what feels right if you never know what feels wrong?

I am fully aware that what I believe in any given now moment has the potential to change according to the information coming in and what I experience in my life. There is no shame in saying that your beliefs have shifted. There is no shame in saying this is *my* truth as I see it in this moment. There should be no judgement or shame in getting shit wrong either. We live. We learn. We make errors and we learn from those. It isn't all in vain. We learn.

With all that said, there is plenty I have gotten right. There is plenty about my own story I just KNOW at the core of my being as truth for me. For all that I have gotten wrong, there is just as much I have gotten right. I have not let the wrong shit keep me from trusting in myself or my own intuition. I have not let it stop me from trusting my own inner compass. I still believe in me and go within to find my answers.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Reconnecting With An Old Flame

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

It is 4:00 am. I woke up to pee and debated whether or not to stay up and get in some PC time while I could. During normal hours it always seems to be occupied by someone else. I am still tired but I long to get out all that has been bouncing around inside my head and typing on my phone just isn't going to cut it. So I have opted to stay awake and steal this quiet time and use a keyboard that isn't meant for fairy fingers. The sound of the rain coming down outside makes me feel grateful that it wasn't raining like this earlier when I went on my nightly powerwalk.

Love....first loves....they are precious and sacred in ways. You probably read the title and saw the illustration and thought I would be talking about a dude. lol My first love was no dude. It was something so much better. My first love was music. It was a pure and simple love and started when I was very young.

I have been ruminating things since my last blog post and memories have come back that I have long since pushed away. I had a couple dreams in which a pink baby grand piano showed up in pink rooms. In the first dream it was a business that was getting ready to open and everything they sold there was pink. The pink baby grand piano was the only item in the store at the time. In the second dream it was a house I had newly rented and I came upon this small child sized door. When I opened the door, inside was this magnificent child's bedroom with multiple beds, a play area with dress-up things and a child sized pink baby grand piano.

Pink is the inner heart chakra color and a bedroom I take to be a the most personal aspect of you.
This is what says about bedrooms:


To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of yourself that you keep private and hidden. It is also indicative of your sexual nature and intimate relations.    

To dream of your childhood bedroom indicates that a current situation or feeling has triggered a memory from your childhood that you have kept secret. Alternatively, the dream may be symbolic of a sexual awakening.

Since it isn't about a sexual awakening.....hahahahahahaha....

It is funny, but when I had these two dreams, I totally didn't get what my subconscious was trying to show me. I didn't get their meaning...until yesterday when it clicked and I was like "Ooooooh!" It was about me. It was about my love of music. And showing a child's room reminded me that my deep love for music went far back into childhood.

I remember well being in love with music, especially music that was performed live and I was in awe of people who could play instruments. I would make up my own words to the instrumental songs on the radio. I longed for a guitar and was given a crappy toy one for Christmas one year. I was a little disappointed it wasn't a real one because the sound sucked on the cheap plastic one I was given. When I went to grandma's house, she had an old out-of-tune piano and I would sit there for ages playing around with creating my own little songs. I used to walk around by myself and make up little songs about how I was feeling and pretend my life was a musical. When we went to Colorado to go camping in the mountains, I would climb the rocks and pretend it was my stage and sing songs like "Delta Dawn" and "Sing" by the Carpenters. I remember well dancing around on my bed using my sister's Tickle underarm deodorant bottle as a microphone singing The BeeGees, Andy Gibb, and Captain and Tennille. lol

There was a lot of time we didn't have a TV. My dad shot two TVs at different times. Yes, shot with a gun. But I do remember watching the Lawrence Welk Show, Sonny and Cher, Hee Haw and other music variety shows.

I played flute for a little while. My dad volunteered me to perform in front of the church. That was my first experience with stage fright. I tried but I was nervous and I messed up. Messing up flustered me and I started again but the tears had started welling up in my eyes and I couldn't see the notes on the paper anymore. I was mortified. I gave up the flute that year....the year my mom left my dad for the first time.

When life was complete chaos and turmoil at home, I begged to be sent away to performing arts school. The TV show Fame was popular back then. I even found a school in Minneapolis that was a boarding school for performing arts. I probably would have done very well had that happened, but my dream was never supported by my parents nor was my love ever really fostered and encouraged. "Be realistic." Get your head out of the clouds." "You need a real career." 

On "career day" I went to a radio station because there wasn't a rock star close by who the school would let me hang out with and shadow. lol On another occasion I went to a tiny local recording studio to interview people there for my journalism class. High school guidance counselors tried to get me to be "realistic" and see that I needed to choose a practical career. It was in my choir class when I tried out for a solo that I was faced with stage fright again. I got nervous and my voice cracked. Tears started welling up. My face became red and hot with embarrassment.  I was mortified.

I sang perfectly in the privacy of my bedroom, in my car or in the bathroom taking a shower. It was doing it in front of people that paralyzed me. The fear was big and yet, I still moved forward saying that music is all I cared about in life. In my 20s I went out of my way to befriend band people just to be around the music. A friend was setting the equipment up once and asked me to say "test" into the microphone on the stage. No big deal right? lol My lips involuntarily quivered so badly I could barely get the word "test" out. hahahaha Stage fright is a bitch.

I have taken a long hard look into where my fear likely stems from. Part of it is because it is something I care so much about that it really rattles me to do it in front of people. I think the other part stems from being a middle child and often being overlooked and forgotten. I got used to being invisible so that when the spot light was turned on me, I choked and felt uncomfortable. I wasn't always the outspoken bitch I am today. It took me a long time to be able to find my voice to openly and honestly speak about what I really felt inside.

I have had various readings over the past couple years. Over and over again I was being told to sing. I had a Reiki session and my practitioner told me he was getting a message to tell me to sing to help keep my throat chakra open. He said he had never gotten that message before so it was interesting to him. Just prior to that Brandon Lee's name kept coming to the tip of my tongue and I asked a friend why. She said he said he had stopped by to remind me to sing. So my Reiki guy telling me this was a sync and in line with a message I had just gotten. Psychic Pamela Cummins heard the song "Sing" by the Carpenters. She said she heard the line "just sing, sing a song". 

This is a part of Melissa Hevenor's reading:

It is not uncommon for reincarnates that lived during Atlantis such as yourself,to sing or have musical talent. Please, honey, try to work on eliminating your fear for singing in public, because it is part of your spiritual path to share your gifts as it is through the vibrations that generate from your voice, that the world can receive healing. Try to begin making videos on YouTube, where you can sing on your own, but still share it with others. 

3) I'm sorry to bring this up again, but it's very important. You have to sing. Also, I see you writing something that's very important. Not exactly about your life, but stories that are related to some of your own experiences that are also a part of helping others to heal. You have so much creative energy as well as intuition and healing. It is important that you share yourself, energetically, through creative projects related to the music and writing. And, I definitely see you getting several tattoos in the future. One is related to your guide and another that has musical notes involved:) I look forward to watching your YouTube videos!:)

My friend and psychic, Jan, also saw music for me. She saw me on stage. She saw me on TV and in film. I confirmed all of this with Jamie Butler and she too saw me on stage and mentioned something about how I would teach about how music and sound heals.

All of this and I just kind of brushed it aside, nodded like a bobble-head and quickly brushed it under the bed and forgot about it....until my recent messages to Deryck brought it all to surface.

Spiritually speaking we can look at this and say "Well it is just a role you are playing and none of this is real. It is a hologram." But here is the thing...yes, these are all roles we are playing and each of us is a character actor living our respective roles. We get really wrapped up into these characters we are playing and the EMOTIONS we feel whilst performing are very real. It doesn't matter how many times that someone says "it is just a story" or "it is a holographic universe," every single emotion we FEEL in every now moment is REAL. We have immersed ourselves into these roles and we feel everything our character feels and at the end of the day we take them home with us and never really break character. Even our dreams often have us seeing ourselves AS our characters and not the true light beings we are at the core.

So this is me trying to work it all out in front of you. This kind of audience I can deal with. I don't have to see you and let my nerves get the better of me. lol

I have decided to rekindle a romance with my old flame. I owe it to myself and my love. Like a Phoenix from the flames, I will revive my dream that has long since been dead. I will revive my relationship with my love, but this time I will find it in me to overcome my fears. Even if all I ever do is muster up the courage to sing karaoke in a crappy bar, I am going to successfully sing in front of people.

If you have made it through my whole musing, ask yourself what hidden issues you might be avoiding that have likely been trying to get your attention in plain sight and you are putting your fingers in your ears and saying, "lalalala I can't hear you!" When something triggers you, really look at it and delve in. There is likely a younger version of you begging to be nurtured, loved and healed.