Book Review, Soul Connections in Dreams

I posted a review about Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout on Instagram initially. I did eventually take it down. It is still up on my Facebook "like" page, but I thought I would post it here too and discuss why I am interested in her and how certain people are brought to our awareness in dreams long before we know their current identity.

Book Review:

 

Feb 24, 2017

I finished reading Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny, recently. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, but am so glad I did. I felt a little like Bastian in The Neverending Story experiencing what Atreyu was experiencing in his trials and tribulations and I simply could not put the book down. I cheered her on. I got mad at the cops who were abusive to her. I fell in love with those she fell in love with and I felt anguish, loss and desolation at times. So many experiences she describes, like drug use, I can't at all relate to but I was fascinated by all of the details of a life somewhat foreign to me. I am completely inhibited and not much of a risk taker, so that was interesting to see through her eyes and listen to what she was feeling and experiencing along the way. Like with so many fictional characters we read about, for instance Lestat, Lasher, and Mona Mayfair, we fall in love with them. We follow their journey and we get to know them. They feel like friends we would love to have coffee and long conversations with. Okay, maybe with Lestat it would be blood we would share. Lol But by the end of this book, I was left with a yearning and longing that she was really my friend. I was left wishing she was the kind of friend who was so close enough to me that she knows she can call me at 2am and I would always make time for her no matter what. While I appreciated getting to know Tom, I am glad I didn't know who Against Me! were until now because, really, Tom was a lie. He wasn't who she really is. He was just the mask she wore and I have so much love and respect for the woman she is now. Knowing Tom would have skewed my feelings and made it harder for me to accept the real version because he would have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have gazed at pictures of both and there is a completely different energy. They look completely different. I would have never been attracted to Tom and yet Laura I find so completely adorable. And I do mean that in a date-able way even though I have never dated a woman. I find myself incredibly attracted to her. I hope she continues to keep journals and writes a sequel eventually. PS my number is 867-5309

Soul Connections in Dreams:
 
So many that go down the path of dream interpretation, because they are prolific dreamers, tend to stick to interpreting dreams as being all subconscious shit you are trying to work through and, by seeing them only in this way, you are missing the other messages that are trying to make it through. What many fail to recognize is that we often leave our bodies when we go to sleep. To think that everything you see is happening in your head would be erroneous. That simply isn't the case. We leave our bodies and go off to hang out with other people, but what both parties see in those moments can look very different based on what we need as reference points to connect the dots and eventually understand the messages.

I once had what I considered the absolute worst psychic reading ever and the only thing this guy got that I kind of resonated with at the time was he told me that there was someone very meaningful to me in Chicago. I threw away the rest of what he had to say. Little did I know at the time, it was actually one of the better readings, I just didn't know how to interpret it at the time. Dreams are often the same way. We need more pieces of our puzzle to come in before we can fully understand the meanings of certain aspects of dreams. This was the case for me when I started having dreams about men who liked to dress in women's clothing and then it started to evolve into men who were transitioning into women. I was also having dreams about having a relationship with a woman. I have never been with a woman nor have I been tempted to do so. It was curious, to say the least. While I have a beloved trans person in my life, the dreams didn't feel like they were about that specific person.

I have shared some of these dreams on Instagram but will put them all in one place in this post.

Dreams:

Photo of Ruby Rose

February 10, 2014 

I died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it were trying to convince my husband it would be just as good as the human me. And then the scene changed and I was me again and this awesomely tattooed woman walks by. I was looking at her tattoos feeling like I recognized her and I said "oh I saw you in the paper and just thought you were so beautiful. I love your tattoos." She had blue and blond and black hair. She pulled me close to her so our bodies were against each other and asked me to meet her at the Crystal Ballroom for a date. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted but my husband was standing right there and as she held me against her, my body responded to her. I sheepishly told her that I was married and had to decline. I think she was a hair dresser or something. I looked over at her while I was leaving the place and grinned real big and said bye. When I woke shortly after I was doing that gasping for air thing.

Photo art by Jamie Vesta

February 1, 2016 
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.

Crop of photo by David Leyes

June 1, 2016
I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck Whibley and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. 

Photographer Unknown.

June 5, 2016 
I dreamed there were these odd people who turned up at my house. I wasn't sure what they wanted. They were there with a black pick-up truck and handed me the keys saying it was a gift for me. I was confused. I was shown in images all these things I could have chosen that were considered less than savory or less preferred and I had turned them all down. Apparently they were set-ups to see what I would do and what I would choose. I was shown that I was being rewarded with the gift of the truck for my good choices in those situations. They also offered me time with the people they sent. I want to say massages were offered but I declined yet thanked them for offering. I seem to recall seeing something like big flashy plastic costume jewelry everywhere. I wasn't sure why it was there. The women lingered behind. One was dark haired, very pretty and showed an interest in me. At first I politely declined her advances but then changed my mind and kissed her. With just the kiss I orgasmed. I don't remember much else about that part.

July 19, 2016
I have been dreaming that I am a hermaphrodite lately. On a spiritual meaning level it is a really great symbol of balance and integration of masculine and feminine. On an entirely human level it just seems strange in my waking state to think about. In the first one I had both penis and vagina and had sex with myself. In the second it was said that it was all internal and the doctors said it could be fixed. I said I didn't want to be "fixed", that I was fine as I was.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) as seen here.

Dream Journal Entry: January 19, 2017
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
 
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002)

March 27, 2017 

I was dreaming I was in a car maybe. I seem to be having sex with a couple different women. They were doing things to me to pleasure me. It was my first lesbian experience and I just allowed it and felt what I was experiencing. After having been pleasured by them both, I felt it was my turn to reciprocate, but I was unsure of myself in the situation. I started kissing one girl who had kissed me first and she says I should kiss the other girl who had made me orgasm and saying something about how she herself was easy to love because of her appealing and nicely shaped body but that people like me should be given more love because our bodies were harder to love. That the main woman loved people like me more because of our imperfections. When I went to kiss the main woman, it became obvious why she liked people more who had imperfect bodies because she was imperfect as well. The first thing I noticed was she had no hair. She was bald. I kissed her and started to touch her. When I reached down between her legs, it was revealed that she had a penis and this was where she lacked physically because she didn't have a vagina. Obviously this didn't matter to me since I happen to like penis and I stroked her until she was hard enough to mount. She seemed pleased that I wasn't put off by her having a penis. We had sex and I see her again popping up later and surprising me. It seems she is self conscious and doesn't usually pursue people for a relationship but I see her in a meadow waiting for me wearing a crown of pine to make her blend in with the vegetation. She popped up to reveal her interest. It seems I am now seeing it from the outside as a scene and they have fast forwarded and there is really bad make-up trying to make them look old and showing them still together. They have a baby together too. 

The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.

When I went back to sleep, there was something about a guy I liked. He feels almost like the same one from the earlier dream only there doesn't seem to be gender confusion. He seems to like me but there is an issue with his ex-wife. She is trying to keep him there for herself to use him as she wishes. They (not sure who "they" are) want me to go in and wake him up and get him away from her. Once he is away from her, it will be better. I went upstairs​ to the bedroom where he was sleeping and had a couple skillets I was banging together to make a loud noise. The ex-wife wanted me gone and didn't want me to wake him. But I didn't stop. He started to rouse and saw me and smiled. We ended up having sex there and then and I think it was agreed that he would come live where I was living. He was going to come be with me. There was something about remembering three things about him but for the life of me I can't remember.

   
Additional Dream Clues:

These are just a few of the dreams I have had. There have been a lot. These are simply the ones that stand out in my mind. Consistently I have had dreams that reference people with the names "Thomas" and "Jim/James" over and over again. I have also had dreams referencing Chicago, Illinois and Gainesville, Florida. I just filed it all away and figured it might make sense some day. When I was looking for photos and quotes about gender neutrality for Instagram, I came across Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! but I totally didn't pay attention. It was while I was having a conversation with my friend, Ashely, from In My Sacred Space, about the whole men in dresses and transgender issue and she mentioned the band Against Me! and the lead singer. She mentioned that the music is really good too. I told her that I had come across them but didn't explore it further past reading a short blurb. It was because Ashley was bringing them up that I felt like this was a nudge to look further in that direction and so I did.

I was SHOCKED!

With each piece of little information I gained, I was blown away. Laura Jane Grace's name before transition was Thomas James Gabel. There were those two names I kept getting in dreams. Thomas spent years living in Gainesville, Florida but was now living in Chicago as Laura Jane Grace. I have consistently had crows and ravens showing up in both dreams and as signs and syncs in my day to day life. Laura is covered in tattoos of ravens and crows. I got really excited about learning about her and making all of these amazing connections.

What does it all mean?

I am not entirely sure yet but I am pretty sure we are connected on a deep soul level, but what can I possibly do about it? I guess that is the real million dollar question. I have tried reaching out to her, but she doesn't seem to remotely recognize me energetically which makes it pretty hard. The more I have come to know about her, the more I doubt my ability to connect with her. I had similar dreams that connected me to Dercyk Whibley from Sum 41, but he seemed to recognize my energy even if he didn't realize it was recognition. At the beginning, he was very responsive to me...maybe a little too responsive because it suddenly stopped one day even though I had said nothing at that point to offend. Oh I definitely said things later to provoke and offend, but that was more out of feeling hurt and confused about why I had been cut off when no one else had in that community. A dream indicated that he had been given an order to kill me and I considered his then fiance was insecure and told him to stop talking to me. For the three years I have gotten to know this character in the play. I know and understand that Deryck is loyal and faithful to those closest to him, so I can see him complying with her wishes. How was he to know we are connected on a soul level and how these actions would wound me deeply? Despite all of the hurt I felt, I tried to keep at it and reach him. Humor with him I found pretty effortless. I don't know why. I can easily be playful and silly with him and I have struggled to be playful in the same way with Laura and I don't know why. I sit there staring at the blank dialogue box with the cursor blinking and taunting me. I will start and then erase and just give up because if what I am writing bores the fuck out of me, surely it isn't worth posting.

What I know for sure my guides have asked me to do with both Deryck and Laura is to wake them up. With Deryck I got really frustrated with trying and had a dream at one point where I hid the radio alarm clock because I was sick of listening to it blaring and him not waking up. I was told then that "they" would not be happy that I had done that. In the recent dream that I feel was about Laura, I was banging two frying pans together by her to wake her up. I tried posting and tagging her after that, but all of my attempts to connect just fall flat. 

My guides ask the impossible of me. 

I am nobody...no one...and they want me to reach out and wake these two celebrity people up so we can do the work we came here to do, but I just don't know how I can do this. Yes, work, not sex. Hahaha I know some of my dreams might make you think it is all about sex. Honestly, I think we interpret merging with the energy of others as sex because that is really the main reference point we have for that sort of thing in the physical. I definitely think it is about work, whatever that may look like, that we are meant to do together. Is it music related? That would be the logical deduction. That is what I think the baby in the last dream represents...something created together.

The task feels impossible...

...and yet I know it is possible.

I just haven't figured out which corridor in the maze is going to lead me there.

Twisted By Design

"Empieter" by Minjae Lee

  

Sometimes there are songs that speak to you more than others. Sometimes the lyrics speak what is in your heart as though someone reached inside and pulled them from you. Sometimes the melody moves you and transports you as though it contains a magic that other songs just don't possess. While I love the entire "13 Voices" album by Sum 41, this particular song is easily my favorite because it does all the things I mentioned above. I feel the words deeply.

"Twisted By Design"

I've got my scars to bear

Stitches just can't repair, woah

There's no one to blame this time

Absolution's waiting on a PRAYER

I'm breaking down the walls

Unveiling my share of faults, WOAH

This blood on my hands, is a blessing

In a lifetime, twisted by design

But I'm so alive

Is it a THREAT or the cure?

Cause it's a brave new world

I don't know if I'm ready for

Just a test

Cause I'm miles up above you

Flying with no safety net

I don't believe in FATE although

This time I think I've met my match

Why are the dreams so hard to catch

Cause you forget in time

What it feels inside

You LIVE right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

"Eclipse" by Minjae Lee

I'm taking the days as they come

But now I'm seeing the WORLD as if it had a thousand suns

I admit that there's somewhere along the lines

I guess I lost my grip

But luck has turned the page

And time is all I need to get things right

One more chance to catch the light

Cause you FORGET in time

What it feels inside

You live right on the line

But I'm so alive

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every beat of my heart

I ALONE will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your heart is GONE

But I say it's really only just begun

All along you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

I'm twisted by design

Starting over again, but the further I get

I can't stop these walls from closing in

Going out of my HEAD, all the tears that I BLED

They're not enough to take my pain away

They say believing is the hardest part

But I say with every BEAT of my heart

I alone will find my way

And get right back to the start

They say the fire in your HEART is gone

But I say it's really only just begun

All in all you know that I'm

I'm twisted by design

In some ways I've changed

And I've left it all behind

But I can't change the way

That I'm, I'm TWISTED by design

Lyrics by Deryck Whibley

You can listen to this song at the below link on Spotify:

https://play.spotify.com/track/2ym7V4V42KWJ6VbdYZGj8V

Intimacy and Sex in Dreams

Let's talk about sex. It is a subject that many are uncomfortable talking about. I mean, I am a recovering prude myself when it comes to this topic. I have been wanting to talk about this subject for ages based on my personal experiences with it, but I have held back writing a blog post about it.

I am an advocate for the dreamer being the best interpreter for their own dreams because often a dream symbol might have a completely different meaning to one person than it does for another. I feel you have to use what you felt and sensed at the time of the dream. I don't often use dream dictionaries, but when I am stumped by what a symbol could mean, I often go to Dream Moods and see what they have to say. Sometimes I can agree with their meaning of a symbol and other time it just feels way off. You have to go with what YOU sense and not rely solely on a dream dictionary.

In the case of sex in my dreams, I very rarely think the sex has anything to do with actual intimacy with a person outside of self. Lol I often think of it as the only way our human minds can translate the act of merging with an aspect of self.

Graphic details alert! If you don't want to read graphic sexual details, please read no further.

This is a dream I had about Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters:

November 28, 2015 4:52am I just woke laughing from a dream. I had just been having sex with Dave Grohl on the stairs and it was fucking amazing!

The dream starts with me hearing people talking about me. Some of them are family and they are saying how I am sometimes rough with the kids...like stern and not warm and fuzzy. I pull open a curtain to see who they were talking to and one of the people I see is Taylor, the drummer for the Foo Fighters. Apparently one of the kids I was "rough" with was either his kid or a nephew. I wasn't apologetic at all. I was just like "whatever" it feels like Taylor is interested in me but I am not really giving him my time. I am intrigued by him but that is all. And then later Dave Grohl comes out and I get all smiley. I was listening to some of his music on the Surface and he was all..."well if you would rather play my music than hang with me..." He was funny and I put the Surface down and moved some things off the couch so he could sit. I take out some gum from my mouth so I can talk properly with him and I dispose of it in a paper towel. We ended up wrestling on the floor and I was all like "I could totally take you" and yet I was underneath him. Lol We ended up going out of the room and started heading up the stairs because I think it was clear we both wanted to be with each other but we never quite made it up the stairs. He starts kissing me, tells me how beautiful I am and it all felt real and then he is inside of me and I am moving against him. I randomly think how his bandmate is going to be annoyed because I went on several dates with him and nothing ever happened between us. Lol He is nearly at his pinnacle and he stops me so he can hold it. And then some of the others come around the corner and I am laying there with Dave inside me and feeling a little embarrassed to be caught in the act. Someone threw some popcorn in the air and it went everywhere and some got stuck in the curls of my hair. Dave and I stand and I am trying to brush the popcorn out if my hair and I am laughing. I am wearing a black band t-shirt and it is over sized so you couldn't see my nakedness underneath. I see someone pass who I identify as Lee Majors and there were other famous people but I can't remember who. Lol I woke up with the biggest smile on my face and laughing.

Dave Grohl

Interpretation:

Now I could get my fan girl on and think "OMG I just had astral sex with Dave Grohl!" But that isn't what I think at all. What we have to ask is, what does Dave represent to me? To me the stand out quality in Dave is his sense of humor. His music is great but I am madly in love with him because of the combination of his talent and his sense of humor. The guy is funny and entertaining. Every show of his I have been to has been special because he managed to make me and everyone there laugh. He engages the audience and makes you feel like he really wants to be right there with you. So for me, Dave represents the funny and playful side of me. It was showing me integrating that aspect of me through the physical merging, through the act of sex. And I can look at my life recently and see how this is very true. I have rediscovered my sense of humor. It is most evident in some of my comments in the Sum 41 community, but it is very much there...the humor and playfulness that I love about Dave Grohl is part of me now and more at the surface of who I am.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Scott Trippler

Deryck Whibley is the front man for the band, Sum 41. Two and a half years ago he collapsed and nearly died due to alcohol abuse. It was a long hard road to recovery but despite everything, he persevered and didn't give up.  His perseverance has paid off and when I see him in dreams, this is what he represents to me... perseverance.

This is a dream I had about him:

September 3, 2016 5:22 am I dreamed of Deryck. We were together at some house. There was something about the basement being demolished and renovated. It was completely open now. Everything that had once been there was now gone including internal walls and furniture. I can't remember why but we get up early together. Deryck moves closer to me and I am happy about it. He wants to know if we can do something together. It feels like he mentions dancing together and maybe there is something about a song. I can't remember specifically. I just remember that he gets even closer so that he is touching me and we start kissing.

Interpretation:

To me this is about clearing away all the old shit and becoming really open. The mention of the song seems to suggest not giving up on an old dream of making music. And Deryck, of course, represents perseverance and not giving up. Having an intimate moment with him was about starting to integrate that aspect of self into me.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Ysa Taylor

June 1, 2016 10:16 am I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like it that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. We started kissing and the kiss felt real. I don't think it went beyond a kiss

Interpretation:
Because Deryck represents perseverance and not giving up on your dreams (for me), it seems to be showing me that I am having difficulty getting started....getting going. You need an erect penis to get going with sex. The limp penis represents the lack of enthusiasm about moving forward and not giving up on something. I want to get excited and pursue an old dream, but I need something more to help get me excited as represented by the unusual act of the wearing women's underwear to excite him. This is very true to how I have been feeling for a while. The fact that in both dreams Deryck and I only kiss seems to represent I am only kind of flirting with idea of merging with that aspect of me. Now when I finally see Deryck and I engage in full on sex and do more than just kiss, we can see this as symbolic of not giving up and perseverance coming into the forefront, of full integration. I have flirted with the idea of trying to sing again, but I haven't actually completely revived that dream and put perseverance into action there.

That last dream is a perfect segue into discussing unusual and sometimes disturbing sexual encounters in your dreams. I know when I have had some eyebrow raising sex scenes in dreams, my first response was WTF?!!! And my second response was to think that it was very disturbing that my subconscious was conjuring this stuff up for me to see. But if you apply the whole "sex is an integration of an aspect of self" idea, it becomes a LOT less disturbing.

Anal sex to some people is no big deal and kudos to you for being a more adventurous person than me. I had a dream that involved anal sex. I was a willing participant and actually seemed to enjoy the experience in the dream...which was strange to me since it really isn't something I participate in personally. What I decided the dream was showing me is being in a state of allowing...a state of vulnerability. I struggle to allow and be vulnerable. If you are not in a complete state of allowing with anal sex, it will HURT like hell. In the dream it was pleasurable and it was consensual. In the dream, the other participant was my employer which would indicate this vulnerability and allowing is work related. The work I think it is speaking of is my writing and what I share with all of you. It hasn't always been easy to completely open and share and admit some of the things I have here, on Instagram and on Facebook, but I do so in hopes that sharing my journey with you will help someone along the way.

I have had dreams of having sex with different animals. Once I got past being traumatized by the visuals and went into understanding the symbols, I understood what wonderful symbolism it actually could be. I have merged with lions, stag deer, a spider-dog creature, and a donkey, to name a few. You have to research the symbolic meaning of each animal and see how you could be integrating their qualities into self. 

I had a few dreams in the last month or so about being a hermaphrodite and having sex with myself. At first glance it could seem pretty strange, but in reality it is a beautiful symbol of integrating and balancing the masculine and feminine in self.

Don't let fear and shame of what is considered taboo keep you away from the core meaning of the visuals you are seeing. Don't push it away, try not to think of it and consider it a "bad dream" because, in reality, it is a gift.

Dreams are an amazing way for our subconscious, our guides and Source to speak to us. They are like a rose bud with so many layers just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes the hidden meanings, the Easter eggs, aren't always obvious and we have to revisit the dream over and over to check to see if the petals are opening more and revealing the many layers of meaning that exist in them as we gain more knowledge and understanding.

Symbolism is Everywhere, Sum 41 - 13 Voices Cover Art

Recently there has been a big hullabaloo over in Sum 41 fandom. Someone leaked Sum 41's new album cover and the list of the new songs on the album. Everyone was buzzing about it. "Is it real?" Personally, I knew it was real because it is simply a more polished version of something Deryck used for the Happiness Machines back when he was dipping his toes in the water and getting re-acclimated to performing live again after his brush with death and year long recovery. I had already made the comparison then of the Happiness Machine symbol to a Phoenix and posted it on Instagram but took it down later.

Shortly after the buzz started, Sum 41 and Hopeless Records made the official announcement because the proverbial cat was already out of the bag. Yes, the leak was real.

Fans had a lot to say about the album art and some were pretty critical saying how awful it was. I had my own thoughts I put out there and some of them were about the symbolism of the album art that they all were obviously missing and oblivious to. Because I am a prolific dreamer, I have learned a lot about symbolism. I feel strongly that all of those same symbols can be applied in our waking state too. Deryck may not have consciously known the symbolism that was tucked neatly into his creation, but our subconscious always knows.
 
Part of my comment on Facebook:
I read some of the comments. Some of you have no vision or understanding about how art mimics something and eludes to it. There is a lot of symbolism here. The shape of the cross combined with the winged dragons mimics a PHOENIX without actually portraying a phoenix. Phoenix, of course, is a symbol of death and rebirth. The red of the wings represents both fire and taking flight. The skulls represent death. A circle is feminine energy and speaks of cycles....things coming full circle. It also represents the ring that Deryck wears on a necklace. The straight lines of the cross are masculine and with the two together you have balance...yin and yang, masculine and feminine.

"Number 13 is made up of the attributes and energies of the numbers 1 and 3. Number 1 brings it vibrations of new beginnings, striving forward, motivation and progress, attainment and fulfillment, uniqueness and individuality. Number 3 relates to optimism and enthusiasm, communication and self-expression, inspiration and creativity, expansion and growth, manifesting and manifestation. Number 3 also relates to the Ascended Masters. Number 13 is the number of traditions, hard work, organisation and right judgement. The Number 13 is also a feminine number and suggests that you tap into your intuition."
http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/2011/06/angel-number-13.html
 
I touched upon the meanings in my comment but what I want to do is look at the symbolism with more depth.

Right away the first thing I see is that the cross and dragon combination mimics the look of a Phoenix.

Phoenix - death and re-birth, transformation, change, metamorphosis, feminine, flight, fire, new beginnings

If you know about the use of the Phoenix in Asian culture, you know that usually where there is a Phoenix, you will also see a Dragon. Many traditional Asian weddings will use the Phoenix and Dragon image as a symbol of balance and unity. Traditionally the Phoenix in Asian culture is considered feminine and the Dragon is considered masculine. Essentially what you have when they are together is a prettier version of yin and yang symbol.  In the album art they are part of the whole. They are hidden in plain sight. Maybe your eyes will only see the dragons and not the phoenix, but they are together as one being much in the same way that humans are a balance of both masculine and feminine.

Dragon - strength, courage and fortitude, masculine, fire

These dragons have wings which speak of flight reaching new heights as does the phoenix because of their ability to fly and rise above. Dragons are often associated with fire as well and are often depicted spewing forth fire from their mouths.

At first glance you see a cross. It looks like a Celtic cross to me and my research into Celtic crosses showed me that no one really agrees on a definitive answer, so I will break it down as I did before and describe what I personally see.

Because I have been following the band for 2 years and studying Deryck like he is a subject in school, I know that the cross I have spotted him wearing recently is relatively new. He mostly just wears a ring as a pendent as though it is a good luck charm.

Circle - feminine, cycles, coming full circle, sun, fire element

The cross is actually a pretty interesting symbol and goes back way further than Yeshua/Jesus and the crucifixion. We tend to think of Christianity when we see a cross, but the symbol was used long before Yeshua came into being.

"Jung suggests that the cross has its origins in humanities discovery of fire, and as such, is in reality a fire symbol derived from primitive man's rubbing of two sticks together in order to start a fire for warmth, protection, and the creation of tools. It is interesting to note, that words signifying cross, such as krois, krouz, kreuz, crux, cruz, or croaz, possess etymological similarities with words signifying fire. The roots ak, ur, or os, all signify cosmic light or fire."

http://www.esotericonline.net/m/group/discussion?id=3204576%3ATopic%3A10350

So again we have another symbol of fire. Two lines symbolizing two things coming together to create something powerful and valuable.

Cross - fire, creation, coming together

Now when the circle is on top of the cross, the inside of the circle then becomes the element of earth. Also it resembles the medicine wheel of the Native Americans which represents the 4 elements, 4 directions, etc.

Cross in Circle - earth, 4 elements, 4 directions, 4 seasons

Two skulls are depicted below the circle. They appear to have smoke coming out of their eyes which gives a sense of smoldering ashes. Skull, of course, is a powerful symbol of death, but, it is also part of the skeletal system and is bone. Bones are the strength and foundation of our core physical beings. Without them we would have a hard time moving around this fleshy vehicle. They are support.

Skull - death, ashes, change, endings, past

Bones - strength, support, foundations 

Interestingly, the skulls are placed in a position that could be seen as support and the foundation. It could also be viewed as the ashes of who he used to be....his former self.

We see the number 2 twice with two dragons and 2 skulls.

"Number 2 resonates with the vibrations and attributes of service and duty, balance and harmony, adaptability and diplomacy, co-operation and consideration, receptivity and love. Number 2 also relates to partnerships and relationships, intuition and insight, faith and trust and your Divine life purpose and soul mission."

And because 2 shows up twice we can add them together and get 4...as does the 1 and 3 of the "13 Voices"

"Number 4 resonates with the vibrations and energies of practicality, organization and exactitude, service, patience, devotion, application, pragmatism, patriotism, dignity, trust and trust-worthiness, endurance, loyalty, mastery, building solid foundations, conservatism, determination, production and hard work, high morals, traditional values, honesty and integrity, inner-wisdom, security, self-control, loyalty, conscientiousness, reality and realistic values, stability and ability, progress, management, justice, seriousness, discipline, system and order, maintenance, constructiveness, dependability and conviction. Number 4 also represents our passion and drive and encourages us to work harmoniously yet diligently to achieve our goals and aspirations. Number 4 is the number that represents the four elements of Air, Fire, Water and Earth, and the four sacred directions, North, South, East and West."

I already discussed the number 13 earlier but when you take 2+2+1+3 it equals 8. 8 is the number of abundance.

What about those voices? lol There are 13 of them. When you think about voice and the idea of 13 voices, I tend to think of 13 tones and resonances because no two voices are going to be alike. 13 voices in his head? Maybe. lol And maybe we can see it as 13 musical notes or tones. 13 different vibrations.

I almost forgot about the colors.

Black is dominant in this album cover and it is the yang/feminine part of the yin/yang symbol. Shadows are often seen as black but our shadow selves are nothing to be afraid of. Black is often the color of stones that are grounding and/or used for protection.

Red is the color of the root chakra. We often see red as being fiery. It is our survival center. I found this bit particularly apt from this site:

"The energy of Muladhara allows us to harness courage, resourcefulness and the will to live during trying times. It connects us with spiritual energies of our ancestors, their challenges and their triumphs."

And when you put it all together, it tells a pretty personal story about Deryck Whibley and all that he has endured in the last 2 years.

If you liked the number meanings, please make sure you visit the Sacred Scribes to find the meanings of the numbers showing up in your life. http://sacredscribesangelnumbers.blogspot.com/p/index-numbers.html

Unschooling, Self-esteem, Healing Solar Plexus Issues

It is interesting how just the normal everyday things we participate in bring up opportunities for us to heal and clear blocks. Maybe it is our guides whispering in our ears and guiding us there. Maybe it is the Universe helping to create those perfect opportunities for us to see our issues and what we still need to work on and release. My way of working through my issues and blocks has been to come here and write it all out and tell all of you about it. It is cathartic.

Yesterday Deryck Whibley from Sum 41 posted this photo on Instagram. He has been helping produce a song for his friend Todd.

As I viewed the photo, I was in awe how anyone could ever learn what all of the knobs and buttons do and I suddenly realized that Deryck learned how to do all of that in the studio simply by doing...by being interested and passionate about music...probably by observing someone else do it and likely asking a lot of questions. And then it dawned on me and I got excited when I thought, "Oh my god, he is a Life Learner! How wonderful!" Upon this realization, I felt compelled to make the below comment on his photo:

You know what I think is pretty fucking awesome,@sum41 ? You didn't go to school and sit in some boring class to learn what you know. You did it through life learning (aka unschooling). The theory behind unschooling/life learning is that if you allow children/people to learn about what they have an interest in, they develop a love for learning. Some people go to school to learn what you are doing. You know how to do it because of your passion and love for music. You were motivated to learn. I dropped out of school when I was 16. I used to beat myself up about it and feel ashamed about it until I understood what unschooling was. I feel I am very intelligent and self-educated. I simply learned about the things I cared most about. Life is an excellent teacher and force feeding kids crap they don't give a shit about and locking them away in school for most of their days and inundating them with homework is not helpful. Sorry...soapbox. Stepping down now. Just thank you for inadvertently being a life learner and being so impressive with what you have chosen to teach yourself. I have tons of respect for you. ❤

I hesitated after posting and had the urge to delete it because, yet again, I felt like I had revealed too much. I revealed a secret that I rarely tell anyone...I dropped out of school. And there it was...my shit laying before me in black and white.

You may remember, if you have read my previous blog posts, me mentioning details of my volatile childhood. The pressures of home and the dysfunction there combined with the pressures of school was just too much. I wasn't the expressive person I am today. I bottled everything up and kept it inside. I was like a bottle of kombucha left to ferment in a closed bottle. Eventually the pressure would build enough to make the bottle shatter. I was thinking about ways to kill myself on a daily basis. I wanted out. I wanted the pain, the pressure and the stress to stop. I knew running away from home wasn't an option because I knew my father would hunt me down and drag me back kicking and screaming. 

Also, since entering junior high school, I started to understand just how ridiculous it was that they were trying to force me to learn about things I didn't care about nor did I believe I would ever have a use for it in my life. I struggled in school...not because I didn't understand but because I had no interest and passion about what I was learning about. I felt forced to be somewhere that I didn't really want to be. I felt forced to learn about things I had zero interest in. 

In my 9th grade year I left half way through and took home courses and was allowed to go at my own pace. I was finished with that year early as a result. What I really wanted at that point was to be sent away to performing arts school but my family lived paycheck to paycheck, so that never happened. I re-entered institutionalized learning for my 10th grade year. I was different in the way I chose to look...wild hair, vintage clothes with a style all my own. I was an easy target because of it. Kids can be cruel and they were to me. I remember vividly some male student I didn't even know came up to me and asked me how much I charged...basically insinuating that I looked like a prostitute. I was wearing fitted black ski pants, a vintage bright blue short waisted jacket, a sequined bright blue wide belt, matching blue high heeled shoes and a cute little blue vintage hat that had a veil that came down over the eyes. Yes, I looked different but I wasn't dressed in revealing clothes. The funny thing about that mean comment is that a year or so later, black stirrup pants would become a thing and all the girls would eventually be wearing tight black pants similar to what I had worn. I was just ahead of the trend...a trail blazer.

One day I just snapped. I couldn't do it anymore and I told my mom, "I want to drop out of school" and explained to her that if I wasn't able to relieve one of the pressures in my life, I felt like I would eventually follow through with my suicidal thoughts. My mom wasn't pleased about it but I think my choice also motivated her to look at her life and leave my father for a second and final time. 

I lived in a college town where usually the first question when getting to know someone is "So, what is your major?" I did eventually get my GED but I heard over and over people making fun of those who had gotten GEDs rather than a proper high school diploma. They were looked down upon. I made a point to try not to mention anything about my education. It was a source of embarrassment for me. I had friends who seemed to enjoy insulting me in round-a-bout ways because *gasp* I didn't go to college and they somehow thought they were more intelligent than me because of it.

I did eventually go to nanny school and you might think, "How hard could nanny school be?" It was a lot harder than you might think. It was two years worth of child development classes crammed into 9 months. It was a lot of pressure and I didn't enjoy it. I get test anxiety and even if I know all the information, I blank when a test is before me. It was a reminder that I am not really cut out for institutionalized learning.

I took a job in Michigan and was with a family there for 8.5 years. I made the mistake, in a moment of confidence, of sharing with the oldest child (12 or 13 at the time) about feeling suicidal and dropping out of school at 16. In a moment of rage he used that information against me and said some of the most hurtful things to me about me not being educated. It cut me to the core and I swore I would never open up like that again and share that information for someone to use it as a weapon against me. 

But really, the only way to prevent information about ourselves being a weapon for another is to heal and take away the negative charge we feel when it comes up. People can't use something against you if you develop a different perspective about it and it doesn't bother you anymore.

Fast forward to having my daughter. As a parent you have all of these big decisions to make for your child. I haven't taken those choices lightly and have researched the things I feel are most important. We co-sleep, practiced full-term breastfeeding, attachment parented, started eating organic, etc. One of the things we researched was what we would do about education. One of my mommy friends talked about unschooling. This was a new phrase to me. "What is unschooling?" I asked. In a nutshell, unschooling is self-directed, life-based learning. Some people call it "life learning" and it can look very different for each family. When people ask us about Inara's school, I find it a lot easier simply to say "We are home schooling," rather than have to try to explain what unschooling is to some random stranger.

Basically those of us who practice unschooling believe that you can learn all that you need in life just by living and having an interest in what you want to learn about. The person who learns about something they actually care about becomes passionate and the knowledge gained isn't just tossed away as "omg I am never gonna use this". It is remembered and they go forward with a voracious appetite to learn more. We learn SO much better when we are learning about what we care about and when we are actually DOING rather than from a text book and home work. I truly hope that we see a resurgence of apprenticeships and people shadowing someone who is doing what they want to do as a profession.

When I learned about unschooling, it helped me realize I wasn't "uneducated" as some people would like to say. I am LIFE EDUCATED. I am a Life Learner/Unschooler but simply didn't know back then there had been studies and books written about it. I do wish I had known about it so much earlier because it really would have helped me with my self-esteem and insecurities. It was my midwife telling me she had 3 grown unschoolers that helped me decide that we would unschool our daughter. Here is a great video by a grown unschooler:

I have a voracious appetite for knowledge and, thanks to the internet, SO much knowledge is available to us at our finger tips. If we want to find where we can go to encourage one of our daughter's interests, a quick internet search will turn up things for us to choose from. If we want to learn about something on the fly that she has a question about, we can easily look it up.

I didn't finish high school. I didn't go to college. I didn't get a degree. My education has been life-based and self-directed. I am an intelligent person and my value is not less because I didn't subject myself to forced education for as long as some people do.

So, yeah...when I recognize another as being a life learner, especially one in the public eye, I get excited...especially when they are an amazing example of all you can do and learn when passion for that knowledge is present.

Standing Naked and Exposed, Vulnerability

The Descent of Iztaccihuatl (The White Woman) - Ricardo Fernández Ortega

I think I have to admit (mostly to myself) that Deryck Whibley has become my unlikely muse. lol Lately many of my blog posts are inspired by something relating to him. This one will be no exception. This too is directly related to my interactions with him on Instagram.

It was my guides who first brought Deryck into my awareness. Before that, I thought all those Sum 41 songs I heard on the radio were Blink 182. hahaha Sorry, Deryck, it is true. I was oblivious to the name "Sum 41" until May 2014. Since then it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.

It is funny how a complete stranger can unknowingly make an impact on us and help us grow without doing anything but being themselves. I dutifully started posting comments because I knew my guides wanted me to interact with him for a reason, so I complied. What I didn't count on is the inner growth I would make as a result.

I have been watching Deryck since his brush with death. I have been paying attention to what he says. I have watched older videos on their YouTube channel to get acquainted a little about who he is. I have watched interviews with him as well.

One day he is all like "Yo, I am on Instagram now. Follow me!" I groaned and reluctantly signed up to Instagram so that I could "Follow" him there. I watched and sometimes commented. I watched his adoring fans and their comments. Eventually Deryck actually started interacting with them. I thought, "Wow! This is a twist and a change." He has even replied to me a number of times. I saw his fans light up and get excited and start posting more. I saw the desperation of some wanting him to notice them. "Please notice me!" some would say. And how many of us feel that way in our every day life..."just notice me". It struck me and I could see how much it meant to those people to have a response. The average age of Dercyk's audience is still mostly young...teens to 20s, I would say. His music speaks to that age group and that age group can be influenced a lot.

Eventually the interaction with his fans evolved. He started sharing their artwork and tattoos. He started liking their videos, and I tell you, my heart grew just observing all of this. Sometimes I have posted comments to Deryck and later deleted them. I do that a lot actually. lol Sometimes if they just leave me feeling like I have revealed too much, I delete.

Recently I posted a comment to Deryck and sang his praises. I have done it before, but I chose an old photo and tagged him and hoped none of his fans would bother to look. lol This time I posted out in the open for all of them to see my soft gooey inside that I don't often like to show. And then yesterday I posted a poem on my Instagram and tagged him in a message that followed. While I was composing that message, something unexpected happened. At the end of the message I BURST into tears and I was like wtf, where did that come from?

That moment was a spotlight. It shined a light on a core issue...something I needed to work on and address....but it also left me feeling vulnerable and exposed even though what I said was kind and loving. This morning I promptly deleted it. My BFF, Ziba, asked me why and a series of questions that made me take a look at it.

This was the dialogue exchange...

ME:  I mean last night with writing what I did to Deryck and responding with huge emotion was a surprise and shined a light on something I need to look at.

Of course I have a strong urge to delete that message and I likely will today. I think he has probably seen it and there is no reason for it to be there anymore.

ZIBA: leave it

you created it and it's beautiful, let it remain

ME: The poem will stay

ZIBA: even the comment

ME: But my personal message to him I just removed

ZIBA: why?

ME:  I don't know

It just made me squirm

And I guess it wouldn't seem so...i don't know....pointless if he had actually acknowledged seeing it.

It makes me feel vulnerable and naked and so I deleted it.

Ding, ding, ding! And there it is...feeling exposed and naked leaves me feeling vulnerable and I run from vulnerability like the plague.

"What was that issue that came up?" you might wonder. Let me share a couple of the comments I posted before:

This was the one I hid on an old post....

oktobre17: I'm going to randomly post on one of your old posts over here because I can. I miss this account and miss seeing your face as the avatar I see when you post pictures. I understand why you would choose the sum 41 account as it just makes sense. More people can find you easily. Let's face it "sum 41" is easier to spell than "the official Deryck Whibley" hahahaha I am being nostalgic, I guess. I think it is very cool that you make some kid's day by commenting and liking his video, or sharing an amazing drawing someone did who loves your band. It makes them feel special and it makes you seem like you have a heart and can remember what is was like to be a geeky kid singing to your favorite band in your bedroom. I feel more like an observer than a fan and I have been watching and I think your interaction with your fans is lovely and thoughtful. Maybe I have had too much time to think while I lay in bed for days with food poisoning. Hahaha Sending love and light your way because my heart feels full with what I have seen.

Here is a recent one...

oktobre17: @sum41 I know I have said this before and I will say it again. I really love seeing how you are interacting more with your fans in different ways...liking their posts and sharing their art and tattoos. Those tiny little gestures mean the world to those people. It isn't just about their idol acknowledging them, but I am guessing at least some of them don't have people in their lives supporting them and encouraging them to pursue their dreams. You give them hope and encouragement and that means a lot when so many people tell you to be realistic and tell you that you could never succeed in music.
 In your position you have a platform to be an influence and role model and what you do with that position matters. Bravo to you for stepping up and giving a shit about these kids. It is beautiful to watch as it unfolds. Much love and light to you, my friend

PS: I miss you updating your blog. :)

And this is the one I deleted...

oktobre17: @sum41 I used to write a lot when I was young. Hence the reason most of my lyrics and poems are written in the 80s and 90s. My big dream in life was that i wanted to sing in a band. I wrote lyrics but didn't play an instrument so didn't know the first thing about writing music to go with those words. This one is a poem but many of my writings were set up with verses and a chorus. My father was/is a religious fanatic. My parents weren't supportive of my dream. It kind of crushes the spirit of the young dreamer when you aren't encouraged to do what you love most. I think at one point I just gave up the dream and buried it deep inside. It was only this past year that I dug out my old poetry and lyrics and published some of it on my blog. I'm 46 now and those kinds of dreams I simply remember wistfully with a little pain in my heart. My daughter is 6 and i want to encourage her to pursue anything her heart desires. When I say the things i do to you, I say them very sincerely because what you are doing for those kids, I wish someone had done for me.

Do you see how in the second comment I kind of in a roundabout way talk about what my issue is but I worded it as "them" and "they" and didn't own it? In the last comment I admitted that *I* didn't feel supported or encouraged...and FUCK...god damnit the tears just broke free again and just typing this is like standing naked and exposed, showing you my greatest failure and disappointment...THE DEATH OF A DREAM...a dream never realized. And now I know there is something there that is begging to be healed and what that something is.

*deep breath*

I want to talk about how being vulnerable isn't a bad thing, blah blah blah....but I think I have to step away and post an edit to this once the tears have stopped and I can compose my thoughts.