A Warning for Keanu Reeves

Brandon Lee and Keanu Reeves

Something has been bothering me and I just can't shake it. I keep seeing the number 911 over and over again and I KNOW it is a warning about something, but what? I have written about some of my thoughts and concerns on Instagram about feeling Keanu Reeves' life is in danger. I thought it was simply about his current "girlfriend" who is a shady and questionable person at best.

In dreams, I saw it as a repeat of what happened with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain. Greedy significant other kills off partner to get the money and fame.  There is speculation that the industry itself aided Courtney in her endeavor to take him out. Rumors have it that Kurt was getting ready to leave Courtney. It has been said that an additional reason for Courtney wanting to eliminate Kurt was to boost her own career by eliminating competition and getting sympathy attention from his fans.

Since the beginning of my spiritual journey, three dead ones came to me in dreams over and over, River Phoenix, Brandon Lee and Kurt Cobain. At first glance, their deaths don't have a lot in common other than they were young and worked in the entertainment industry. Drug overdose, suicide and accidental shooting is what you see on the surface, but when I dug deeper and paired it with what I have been shown in my dreams, what they all have in common is MURDER.

Kurt Cobain - it is easy to murder a drug addict.

Courtney had the most to gain from Kurt's death, but certainly scarcity drives up the value of all existing material.  Any last projects completed and released post mortem are sure to bring in good numbers, especially when the death catapults the victim into cult status. Kurt Cobain might as well be the second coming of christ to those who revere him...and there are many. The record company and Courtney have certainly cashed in on Kurt's cult status.

River Phoenix - it is easy to murder a drug user.

River's case is more complicated. I think it was more about eliminating the competition and then inaction on the part of everyone present who failed to call 911 for help immediately when they knew there was an issue. Based on dreams and my own speculation, Johnny Depp provided the drugs that were then handed to River by Samantha Mathis. She shifted the blame to the known drug user who had threatened to kill River for dropping him at rehab. Eight times the lethal dose was in the little dixie cup River drank from. Doesn't that seem like someone meant to kill him? But who would gain most from his death? At the time, Leonardo DiCaprio was close friends with Johnny. Leonardo had the most to gain by way of movie roles if River was no longer in the running for them. They resembled each other. Maybe the real reason he never got into drugs is because he knows that is how you can easily be eliminated by someone else.

Brandon Lee - it is easy to murder the competition if you know your way around props and guns and make it look accidental.

This one took me by surprise as I never really considered it was murder until a recent dream. The dream caused me to find out who the double was for Brandon Lee after he died. Interestingly, Chad Stahelski was the person used. He is quite well known now for his John Wick movies and his work on The Matrix series. Chad seems to know his way around guns and probably knows quite a lot about props and their preparation. He probably even has the knowledge of how to rig a prop gun to get it to fire in such a way that the projectile would act the same as a bullet. Someone else would pull the trigger and it would look like a horrible accident. But what if it wasn't?

The Crow movie quickly went into cult status. The buzz around the death on set drove people to the theaters...not once, but multiple viewings. Had Brandon Lee not died on the set, would it have been as successful? I don't think so. The film was struggling to get made and had one setback after another...rather like Matrix 4 is having right now.

Keanu Reeves - when your bankability is more dead than alive, you better watch your back and consider abandoning a sinking ship.

Keanu has a double whammy target on him. His disastrous promotional campaign with his con artist "girlfriend" is actually driving down his value. All the tabloid crap will start to make serious movie makers not want to deal with him at all. "Ten foot pole" comes to mind. Quality vs. Quantity and less is more in this case.  His greedy granny PR partner has shown through her actions what her interests are...money and fame. Beware of the woman who can be bought because the highest bidder will cause her to turn on you.

Matrix 4 has been having a lot of setbacks due to the quarantines. Money is probably quickly running through their fingers while paying for food and lodging for cast and crew while they try to resume filming at a much slower pace due to restrictions and social distancing in Germany. Too much time is passing between the last filming in San Francisco and these actors aren't getting younger. Some are getting more plastic, but definitely the differences can potentially be noticeable on camera.

What if by the time that they actually start filming again, people are thoroughly disgusted by Keanu thanks to his PR campaign backfiring? What if the suits in Hollywood take notice of this and think it might be time to shoot the lame horse in the head because he can't make them anymore money? What if Keanu is worth more dead than alive both with life insurance and potentially selling more tickets and catapulting Keanu's last film ever into cult status...beyond all other Matrix films that came before?

Chad Stahelski is working on this film again, I believe. He can easily be paid to set up another "accident". Keanu's greedy granny would easily turn on him, as well, for the right offer.

The way I see it is, some people on the other side are trying to warn Keanu he has a giant fucking bull's-eye on him based on a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances. They told me once that "he imprinted on her". For Kurt it was Courtney and imprints make you believe you are like them. Like a duck being raised by dogs would likely behave more like a dog than a duck. In Keanu's case, his "mother" is the Hollywood industry he basically grew up in. He grew up thinking he was like them, but he is not...not really. He simply needs to remember who he really is and start taking swift action in his life to make some radical changes that could save his life.

Remember...this reality is a game. Our choices matter.

He has a choice...

The tunnel of love, which means he abandons ship and leaves with practically nothing but the shirt on his back and his life. It means taking a risk and trusting that everything will be okay. This choice leads to abundance, love and happiness.

The tunnel of certain death leads to a grisly death. Game over and start again from the beginning.

Over and over my guidance has told me that this has happened before and it will happen again...where someone is killed off for greed.

I will include significant dreams that feel relevant and important at the end for anyone interested in reading them.

__________________________

March 29, 2017

I was dreaming about a game... Actually there were lots of them going on at once. Apparently one of my daughters thought it would be fun to mess with my game and changed it a bit. She left her signature and illustrations to say "Mom, I have made your game more interesting. Come home now, love, Annabelle"  I thought the illustrations were amusing. In some sections there were races. In another section there are spectators all watching. I made my way up to this one section that had two tunnels and it was meant to test your relationship to see if if would last. She had changed the right tunnel so that everyone met with an grisly end. The left one was designed so that at one end a person stood and projected their love for the other in and guided them through. You have to trust your partner to guide you. But Annabelle had changed the parameters to make it more difficult and something was going wrong with the readings on the computer. They were going to have to fix it. Meanwhile she and her partner were in the "tunnel of love" trying to navigate through the game. That is where I woke.

In an earlier dream I heard something about how how this world was Jesus' world.

___________________________


March 3, 2019

I was with another girl who i identity as my sister. It feels like we are younger...early twenties, maybe. We are somewhere with brothers. My sister is off with the brother she is dating. I am left with the other one. I think it is determined we will come together at some point  but I have this knowing that we have played this scene out before. The last time we played it out the mother to the boys came in and killed all of us. I can't remember why she would do such a thing, but I knew it was about to happen again. .
.
I said to the others, "If we know she is going to kill us, why are we just sitting here accepting that this will be our fate? Why don't we just call the police or leave?"
.
Later I am talking to the mother and I feel guarded. She is talking about how there is a special alignment happening and there are three days in a row that are one days. I didn't ask for elaboration. I assumed it was numerology or astrology based. I just knew I had to find a way to leave without her suspecting anything. I encouraged the brother I had been talking to to come with me. I was making my move and leaving. The brother ended up at some movie theater. I came back to help him because I thought his mother would surely find him here. He was having trouble walking, so I assisted on one side of him. It was at that point he turned into the actor Cillian Murphy. .
.
Where we had been was very dark and felt like night but where we ended up was bright and sunny. I told him I would take him to my home for now. I looked around. It felt like farm country and there were just a few houses sprinkled here and there. It was pleasant. We stood on the road while I tried to decide where to go. I apologized because I couldn't remember where my home was so decided to go to the house nearest us that seemed to have some event going on. There was a bouncy house and someone was showing them animals and talking about them. The first animals were bunnies and then I heard them say, "and this is our Cesarean bear." I started to wake at that point.

______________________________

April 17, 2015

There was something about following someone into a house. She was talking to someone about a serious situation where someone similar had happened in the past with her brother. Her brother had died and apparently his dried corpse was on a shelf. I was curious while she was in the other room and lifted it and, to my surprise, he started talking to me. I took him with me and we went someplace....some business...but I think he was telling me what had happened in the past and warned me it would happen again. Someone with me jumped from a window to avoid the fire that started. I got out but don't remember how i ended up outside.

Then there was a part about dogs eating some girl's underwear. lol They were fancy lingerie styled underwear too. I scolded the puppy that was eating them and he growled at me.

In earlier dreams I remember being in a hotel room and seeing two fish tanks. Also there was a dog that wasn't mine who wandered into my room and I took him back to his owners.

There was also something about this shop that sold popcorn and gummy worms. They mixed with the popcorn what you wanted....chocolate, gummies, etc. I had never had anything from this shop before and just wanted plain caramel corn....no gummies or chocolate. I think this was the business that was going to explode or catch fire.

I remember the dead guy's tongue coming out at one point and having to put it back in.

______________________

December 14, 2018

I had been captured by some guy who was capturing women and killing them off. I ended up in a bar and somehow I had gone back in time. Kurt Cobain was performing at a small club and I went up to him and asked him to help me. The guy was there at the club with me, watching us but he couldn't hear what I was saying. The bar staff was notified and some of their actions alerted this guy who had been holding me against my will. It was obvious they were calling the police.

I told him he was going to die in Florida....that it had happened before and was going to happen again. The guy who had taken me was going to kill him because of me. Kurt looks at his wrists which had cuts in them and he said something like, "he has tried before." I said, "he succeeds and he will do it again." I think I thought if I went back again and never meet him, his life would be spared.

_______________________________

Adolf Hitler Died For Your Sins, Past Lives

Painting by Roberto Ferri

How is that for a title, eh? Lol

How shall I start this? There is so much to say and ponder.

I grew up in a fanatically religious household which caused me to eventually reject Christianity and everything related to it. I came to a point where I considered myself atheist.

Fast forward to the start of my spiritual journey. Early on, I listened to a channeled interview with Jesus. I had gotten to the point where I thought Jesus was a fictional symbolic figure, so I was skeptical going into the interview. I tried to be open, though.

Afterwards, I thought a lot about it and, when I went to meditate, I was inviting a couple specific people to the meditation party and considered maybe I would open the door to Jesus even though I felt a little foolish. When I went through the internal dialogue in my head, something happened, something triggered me and I thought, "You abandoned me!" I burst into tears and I couldn't stop crying. My husband wanted to know what was wrong. I blurted out, "Jesus abandoned me!" And I felt like an ass saying those words but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

It would be years before I would research the life of Jesus even though it felt like my guides were pushing all kinds of signs and syncs at me telling me there was something there I needed to look at.

If you read me, you know I get the majority of my information through dreams. I had a powerful dream about a baby boy that was going to be born to me. At the time, I made the mistake of thinking they meant that it was going to happen in this life. I didn't realize that this event had already happened.

January 6, 2013 Julie called me last night to tell me that for two nights in a row she had dreams about me having a baby boy named Reed. I had to laugh and think that was kind of freaky. I had my own interesting dream. I can't remember well the details but will try to recall what I can. I seem to recall being somewhere and dancing or doing some kind of acrobatics. It was kind of like aerial dancing only without the fabric. Anyway, there was some guy there. I think I liked him and then we started to lay down where we were to have sex, but then there was some woman who I believe he had been seeing who was next to us which caused us to stop for the moment. I think I knew who "he" was in the dream, but for the life of me, I can't recall who he was supposed to be. Somehow I knew this was the father of the son that would be born to me. It was so weird. Anyway, the dream changed and I saw stars....bright stars. I knew one was the father and the lower one, the son. There was something special about the alignment and how the son was "come to Earth" in its alignment. And I knew that the "son" was coming to Earth to be my child. At one point the stars changed to people. People were really excited about the star coming to Earth. It was a wild dream and I'm not sure what it all means. I laid there thinking about it all and trying to process it and kept wondering who the father was.

When I finally caved and started to research the life of Jesus, Dolores Cannon was one of the people whose work I turned to to explore. It was in Dolores' information where I found an eerily similar account of stars, planetary alignments and a very special child being born to Mary.

So am I saying I was Mother Mary during that time period? Absolutely. But I wasn't convinced of it at this point. And then throw into the mix that there are many people who make the claim of having been Mother Mary and all of the various different people having had lives during the life of Jesus all seem to have a different version of the story. I don't completely understand it yet but I think it could have something to do with different groups playing out their own storyline performing as those characters. I don't discount any of their alternative storylines.

What I am going to outline and describe is the storyline that I have been piecing together through dreams and research. In my story line, I was raped at the age of 12, which is how Yeshua was actually conceived. Through my research, I found a version of the tale where Mary was handed over to Joseph as a child bride at the age of 12. Supposedly he goes out to work for four years and comes back to find his child bride pregnant. He was pissed about this turn of events.

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0847.htm

13. And she was in her sixth month; and, behold, Joseph came back from his building, and, entering into his house, he discovered that she was big with child. And he smote his face, and threw himself on the ground upon the sackcloth, and wept bitterly, saying: With what face shall I look upon the Lord my God? And what prayer shall I make about this maiden? Because I received her a virgin out of the temple of the Lord, and I have not watched over her. Who is it that has hunted me down? Who has done this evil thing in my house, and defiled the virgin? Has not the history of Adam been repeated in me? For just as Adam was in the hour of his singing praise, and the serpent came, and found Eve alone, and completely deceived her, so it has happened to me also. And Joseph stood up from the sackcloth, and called Mary, and said to her: O you who hast been cared for by God, why have you done this and forgotten the Lord your God? Why have you brought low your soul, you that wast brought up in the holy of holies, and that received food from the hand of an angel? And she wept bitterly, saying: I am innocent, and have known no man. And Joseph said to her: Whence then is that which is in your womb? And she said: As the Lord my God lives, I do not know whence it is to me.

Now, keep in mind they were in the Middle East and being raped there, even today, can result in the victim actually being put to death, not the rapist. She was a CHILD. She was 12 years old. Of course she is going to say whatever she can to keep from being killed. Wouldn't you?

Here is my dream which speaks of Mary being raped:

December 1, 2017 I had a dream night before last where I went to a restaurant that my BFF supposedly worked. It was a cute and higher end restaurant. She wanted me to meet her employer. Her employer was a pretty woman who dressed kind of alternative and had long dread-like hair. She was talking to me about me possibly working there and I asked for an application because I hadn't needed a resume for years so didn't have an updated one. She seemed spiritual and cool and she said to me, "I saw the advice you gave my twins and I really liked what you had to say." I was like, "Oh thanks, that is very kind of you to say. I apologize because I have no memory of the advice you are talking about or who the twins are, but I appreciate your kind words about the things I have said." She showed me a picture and I see a red haired male and female who were apparently her twins. They were adults and beautiful. I guessed I had maybe used a photograph of them for my Instagram but had no recollection speaking specifically to either of them. The owner of the restaurant continues and mentions that she has an older son too who she had when she was only 12. She gets a grave look on her face and says how much her son means to her no matter the brutal way he was conceived. I am seeing she was raped at 12 which is how he was conceived and I am seeing a nail through a palm for some reason. I am now seeing her Om tattoo on her left wrist and my BFF is saying how she has gone through some true transcendental experiences. I have a sense of an extended time spent in India and now I feel foolish and like a novice having mentioned anything spiritual to her. But she really liked me and hugged me before I left. I told her I had an appointment to go apply for another job as well and left.

There have been other dreams that, when combined, leave me absolutely convinced that Mary's life is one whose baggage from that life I carry with me. I have to work through it to release the internal blocks and shit that has backed up. I have shared some of those dreams recently on Instagram and Facebook if you care to read more.

Sometimes I hear things in my in between state. We all do, but I have learned to not just brush it off as my "imagination".

Recently I heard something that sent me down the Jesus rabbit hole again.

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I did hear something in my in between state as I was waking from my nap this evening. I heard:

"In my most difficult moments, a thief..."
I finished, "...made you laugh."
I heard, "Yes! A thief made me laugh."
I then saw crosses.

I went on a search to learn more about the thieves who died next to "Jesus". Apparently the one on the right scoffed and taunted him while the one on the left said that Jesus didn't belong there. He admitted that he, himself was there fairly but Jesus had done nothing. Essentially, the thief on the left took responsibility for himself, while the one on the right, did not. There are some accounts that some of the words that were recorded as Jesus having said were actually the start of a Jewish hymn. He was singing. I don't think it is a stretch that a thief would crack a joke and make him laugh.

I have to remind you of what I talked about in an earlier blog post. Jesus didn't actually die on the cross. His doppelganger did, Thomas, whose name was actually Judas. Judas looked like Jesus so much that the others started calling him Didymos aka Thomas. Both mean "twin".  In that earlier blog post I mention how one was the "son of God" while Thomas was his polar opposite counterpart and the "son of Satan/Lucifer". They were basically the same soul being expressed as polar opposites...two sides of the same coin. So, in essence, even though Jesus didn't actually die on the cross, the soul inhabiting both men DID experience the death of one of his vehicles.

Painting by Roberto Ferri

https://carm.org/the-quran-the-crucifixion-and-the-gnostics

"The Hilali-Khan translation offers a bit more interpretation, representing how many Muslims have historically understood this passage:

"And because of their saying (in boast), 'We killed Messiah 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), the Messenger of Allah,' - but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but the resemblance of 'Iesa (Jesus) was put over another man (and they killed that man), and those who differ therein are full of doubts. They have no (certain) knowledge, they follow nothing but conjecture. For surely; they killed him not [i.e. 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)]. But Allah raised him ['Iesa (Jesus)] up (with his body and soul) unto Himself (and he is in the heavens). And Allah is Ever All-Powerful, All-Wise," (Surah 4:157-158)."

So Jesus assumes his cousin's identity long enough to flee to France where he lives out his life. Mary believes her beloved son has perished brutally and never knew he lived on and had a family. It is why I had overwhelming feelings of abandonment about Jesus. It is what the Knights Templar protected. It is why their symbol, Baphomet, holds the same pose as Jesus in images.

Jesus didn't die for your sins, Thomas did.

Now let's talk about reincarnation and this little tidbit I got this morning:

As I was waking, I was shown an image of Hitler and someone said, "This is who your best friend used to be."

I wasn't really alarmed by this because of a previous dream I had about a Nazi soldier:

August 21, 2015 A man I think I was caring for was seen in 3 stages....young, middle aged and old.. He was intimate with me. In the middle stage he seemed to be reliving his time as a nazi soldier. He was aiming a pretend gun at me and firing. He was directing slurs at me in German. I tried to get him to put away the guns because I didn't like it even in reenactment.

There have been lots of other clues along the way pointing me in the Nazi soldier direction...especially the Adolf and Eva direction. I have SO many connections to wolves via dreams, signs and syncs. My daughter's middle name is Zev. It is Hebrew for "wolf". It was such a weird possible connection that I watched a documentary about Adolf and Eva not too long ago. I had a feeling they might be connected to all of this. So this revelation that my best friend had been Adolf Hitler barely made me blink. It was more like, "Yeah. So? Tell me something I don't know." Lol Adolf was Eva's best friend. And isn't that what we all long for? A partner who is also their best friend.

Today on Facebook I shared a couple dreams that illustrate two different past life scenarios. You can read them should you want to. This was a comment I made after pondering those other lives:

What if the man who died on the cross (not Yeshua/Jesus) came back as Hitler? Killed by the Jews only to kill a few million Jews. Was it Karma? Was this baggage being carried over from his past life? I started thinking about this today with my past life shares earlier. In one we see how my killing this man's father caused him to become angry and violent. He killed his wife as a result of my having killed his father. It isn't about blame. Of course we always have choices but what was illustrated is how the chain of repercussions can follow us into other lives. In another life, I was the one who was murdered but we see the man who did the deed became a changed man. He broke the chain and grew to help humanity.

So often I used to dream that I had so much of this old baggage and stuff that was a burden to pack up to take with me. Forgiveness, both for them and ourselves, is key in being able to let all of the past life stuff go.

Usually when I dream I am heading somewhere, recently, I have almost nothing with me but my ID.

How I feel in this now moment is that Thomas, who died on the cross pretending to be Jesus, came back and had a life as Hitler.

So do we worship one and hate the other when, at their core, they are exactly the same soul, the same being? Or should we forgive and love the soul at the core regardless of the roles he performed? Did Mary come back and choose to give love to a man the world thought a monster? I think that is exactly what happened.

My 5-year-old inner self believes that there is good at the core of all people. We all have the potential to do really awful things and really good things. Looking at the other lives we have had and understadning what baggage we have brought back with us from those experiences can help us let go of the baggage.

When we look at our other lives, we have the opportunity to see how we have been both "saints and sinners" when participating in balancing karma. Karma isn't required. It is a choice. We can choose to simply make better choices. We can choose to understand the bigger implications of difficult experiences as a potential balancing act. Upon understanding, it is easier welcome acceptance and then forgive right now in order to be released of that baggage so we don't take it with us to the next life.

Book Review, Soul Connections in Dreams

I posted a review about Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout on Instagram initially. I did eventually take it down. It is still up on my Facebook "like" page, but I thought I would post it here too and discuss why I am interested in her and how certain people are brought to our awareness in dreams long before we know their current identity.

Book Review:

 

Feb 24, 2017

I finished reading Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny, recently. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, but am so glad I did. I felt a little like Bastian in The Neverending Story experiencing what Atreyu was experiencing in his trials and tribulations and I simply could not put the book down. I cheered her on. I got mad at the cops who were abusive to her. I fell in love with those she fell in love with and I felt anguish, loss and desolation at times. So many experiences she describes, like drug use, I can't at all relate to but I was fascinated by all of the details of a life somewhat foreign to me. I am completely inhibited and not much of a risk taker, so that was interesting to see through her eyes and listen to what she was feeling and experiencing along the way. Like with so many fictional characters we read about, for instance Lestat, Lasher, and Mona Mayfair, we fall in love with them. We follow their journey and we get to know them. They feel like friends we would love to have coffee and long conversations with. Okay, maybe with Lestat it would be blood we would share. Lol But by the end of this book, I was left with a yearning and longing that she was really my friend. I was left wishing she was the kind of friend who was so close enough to me that she knows she can call me at 2am and I would always make time for her no matter what. While I appreciated getting to know Tom, I am glad I didn't know who Against Me! were until now because, really, Tom was a lie. He wasn't who she really is. He was just the mask she wore and I have so much love and respect for the woman she is now. Knowing Tom would have skewed my feelings and made it harder for me to accept the real version because he would have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have gazed at pictures of both and there is a completely different energy. They look completely different. I would have never been attracted to Tom and yet Laura I find so completely adorable. And I do mean that in a date-able way even though I have never dated a woman. I find myself incredibly attracted to her. I hope she continues to keep journals and writes a sequel eventually. PS my number is 867-5309

Soul Connections in Dreams:
 
So many that go down the path of dream interpretation, because they are prolific dreamers, tend to stick to interpreting dreams as being all subconscious shit you are trying to work through and, by seeing them only in this way, you are missing the other messages that are trying to make it through. What many fail to recognize is that we often leave our bodies when we go to sleep. To think that everything you see is happening in your head would be erroneous. That simply isn't the case. We leave our bodies and go off to hang out with other people, but what both parties see in those moments can look very different based on what we need as reference points to connect the dots and eventually understand the messages.

I once had what I considered the absolute worst psychic reading ever and the only thing this guy got that I kind of resonated with at the time was he told me that there was someone very meaningful to me in Chicago. I threw away the rest of what he had to say. Little did I know at the time, it was actually one of the better readings, I just didn't know how to interpret it at the time. Dreams are often the same way. We need more pieces of our puzzle to come in before we can fully understand the meanings of certain aspects of dreams. This was the case for me when I started having dreams about men who liked to dress in women's clothing and then it started to evolve into men who were transitioning into women. I was also having dreams about having a relationship with a woman. I have never been with a woman nor have I been tempted to do so. It was curious, to say the least. While I have a beloved trans person in my life, the dreams didn't feel like they were about that specific person.

I have shared some of these dreams on Instagram but will put them all in one place in this post.

Dreams:

Photo of Ruby Rose

February 10, 2014 

I died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it were trying to convince my husband it would be just as good as the human me. And then the scene changed and I was me again and this awesomely tattooed woman walks by. I was looking at her tattoos feeling like I recognized her and I said "oh I saw you in the paper and just thought you were so beautiful. I love your tattoos." She had blue and blond and black hair. She pulled me close to her so our bodies were against each other and asked me to meet her at the Crystal Ballroom for a date. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted but my husband was standing right there and as she held me against her, my body responded to her. I sheepishly told her that I was married and had to decline. I think she was a hair dresser or something. I looked over at her while I was leaving the place and grinned real big and said bye. When I woke shortly after I was doing that gasping for air thing.

Photo art by Jamie Vesta

February 1, 2016 
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.

Crop of photo by David Leyes

June 1, 2016
I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck Whibley and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. 

Photographer Unknown.

June 5, 2016 
I dreamed there were these odd people who turned up at my house. I wasn't sure what they wanted. They were there with a black pick-up truck and handed me the keys saying it was a gift for me. I was confused. I was shown in images all these things I could have chosen that were considered less than savory or less preferred and I had turned them all down. Apparently they were set-ups to see what I would do and what I would choose. I was shown that I was being rewarded with the gift of the truck for my good choices in those situations. They also offered me time with the people they sent. I want to say massages were offered but I declined yet thanked them for offering. I seem to recall seeing something like big flashy plastic costume jewelry everywhere. I wasn't sure why it was there. The women lingered behind. One was dark haired, very pretty and showed an interest in me. At first I politely declined her advances but then changed my mind and kissed her. With just the kiss I orgasmed. I don't remember much else about that part.

July 19, 2016
I have been dreaming that I am a hermaphrodite lately. On a spiritual meaning level it is a really great symbol of balance and integration of masculine and feminine. On an entirely human level it just seems strange in my waking state to think about. In the first one I had both penis and vagina and had sex with myself. In the second it was said that it was all internal and the doctors said it could be fixed. I said I didn't want to be "fixed", that I was fine as I was.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) as seen here.

Dream Journal Entry: January 19, 2017
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
 
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002)

March 27, 2017 

I was dreaming I was in a car maybe. I seem to be having sex with a couple different women. They were doing things to me to pleasure me. It was my first lesbian experience and I just allowed it and felt what I was experiencing. After having been pleasured by them both, I felt it was my turn to reciprocate, but I was unsure of myself in the situation. I started kissing one girl who had kissed me first and she says I should kiss the other girl who had made me orgasm and saying something about how she herself was easy to love because of her appealing and nicely shaped body but that people like me should be given more love because our bodies were harder to love. That the main woman loved people like me more because of our imperfections. When I went to kiss the main woman, it became obvious why she liked people more who had imperfect bodies because she was imperfect as well. The first thing I noticed was she had no hair. She was bald. I kissed her and started to touch her. When I reached down between her legs, it was revealed that she had a penis and this was where she lacked physically because she didn't have a vagina. Obviously this didn't matter to me since I happen to like penis and I stroked her until she was hard enough to mount. She seemed pleased that I wasn't put off by her having a penis. We had sex and I see her again popping up later and surprising me. It seems she is self conscious and doesn't usually pursue people for a relationship but I see her in a meadow waiting for me wearing a crown of pine to make her blend in with the vegetation. She popped up to reveal her interest. It seems I am now seeing it from the outside as a scene and they have fast forwarded and there is really bad make-up trying to make them look old and showing them still together. They have a baby together too. 

The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.

When I went back to sleep, there was something about a guy I liked. He feels almost like the same one from the earlier dream only there doesn't seem to be gender confusion. He seems to like me but there is an issue with his ex-wife. She is trying to keep him there for herself to use him as she wishes. They (not sure who "they" are) want me to go in and wake him up and get him away from her. Once he is away from her, it will be better. I went upstairs​ to the bedroom where he was sleeping and had a couple skillets I was banging together to make a loud noise. The ex-wife wanted me gone and didn't want me to wake him. But I didn't stop. He started to rouse and saw me and smiled. We ended up having sex there and then and I think it was agreed that he would come live where I was living. He was going to come be with me. There was something about remembering three things about him but for the life of me I can't remember.

   
Additional Dream Clues:

These are just a few of the dreams I have had. There have been a lot. These are simply the ones that stand out in my mind. Consistently I have had dreams that reference people with the names "Thomas" and "Jim/James" over and over again. I have also had dreams referencing Chicago, Illinois and Gainesville, Florida. I just filed it all away and figured it might make sense some day. When I was looking for photos and quotes about gender neutrality for Instagram, I came across Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! but I totally didn't pay attention. It was while I was having a conversation with my friend, Ashely, from In My Sacred Space, about the whole men in dresses and transgender issue and she mentioned the band Against Me! and the lead singer. She mentioned that the music is really good too. I told her that I had come across them but didn't explore it further past reading a short blurb. It was because Ashley was bringing them up that I felt like this was a nudge to look further in that direction and so I did.

I was SHOCKED!

With each piece of little information I gained, I was blown away. Laura Jane Grace's name before transition was Thomas James Gabel. There were those two names I kept getting in dreams. Thomas spent years living in Gainesville, Florida but was now living in Chicago as Laura Jane Grace. I have consistently had crows and ravens showing up in both dreams and as signs and syncs in my day to day life. Laura is covered in tattoos of ravens and crows. I got really excited about learning about her and making all of these amazing connections.

What does it all mean?

I am not entirely sure yet but I am pretty sure we are connected on a deep soul level, but what can I possibly do about it? I guess that is the real million dollar question. I have tried reaching out to her, but she doesn't seem to remotely recognize me energetically which makes it pretty hard. The more I have come to know about her, the more I doubt my ability to connect with her. I had similar dreams that connected me to Dercyk Whibley from Sum 41, but he seemed to recognize my energy even if he didn't realize it was recognition. At the beginning, he was very responsive to me...maybe a little too responsive because it suddenly stopped one day even though I had said nothing at that point to offend. Oh I definitely said things later to provoke and offend, but that was more out of feeling hurt and confused about why I had been cut off when no one else had in that community. A dream indicated that he had been given an order to kill me and I considered his then fiance was insecure and told him to stop talking to me. For the three years I have gotten to know this character in the play. I know and understand that Deryck is loyal and faithful to those closest to him, so I can see him complying with her wishes. How was he to know we are connected on a soul level and how these actions would wound me deeply? Despite all of the hurt I felt, I tried to keep at it and reach him. Humor with him I found pretty effortless. I don't know why. I can easily be playful and silly with him and I have struggled to be playful in the same way with Laura and I don't know why. I sit there staring at the blank dialogue box with the cursor blinking and taunting me. I will start and then erase and just give up because if what I am writing bores the fuck out of me, surely it isn't worth posting.

What I know for sure my guides have asked me to do with both Deryck and Laura is to wake them up. With Deryck I got really frustrated with trying and had a dream at one point where I hid the radio alarm clock because I was sick of listening to it blaring and him not waking up. I was told then that "they" would not be happy that I had done that. In the recent dream that I feel was about Laura, I was banging two frying pans together by her to wake her up. I tried posting and tagging her after that, but all of my attempts to connect just fall flat. 

My guides ask the impossible of me. 

I am nobody...no one...and they want me to reach out and wake these two celebrity people up so we can do the work we came here to do, but I just don't know how I can do this. Yes, work, not sex. Hahaha I know some of my dreams might make you think it is all about sex. Honestly, I think we interpret merging with the energy of others as sex because that is really the main reference point we have for that sort of thing in the physical. I definitely think it is about work, whatever that may look like, that we are meant to do together. Is it music related? That would be the logical deduction. That is what I think the baby in the last dream represents...something created together.

The task feels impossible...

...and yet I know it is possible.

I just haven't figured out which corridor in the maze is going to lead me there.

Intimacy and Sex in Dreams

Let's talk about sex. It is a subject that many are uncomfortable talking about. I mean, I am a recovering prude myself when it comes to this topic. I have been wanting to talk about this subject for ages based on my personal experiences with it, but I have held back writing a blog post about it.

I am an advocate for the dreamer being the best interpreter for their own dreams because often a dream symbol might have a completely different meaning to one person than it does for another. I feel you have to use what you felt and sensed at the time of the dream. I don't often use dream dictionaries, but when I am stumped by what a symbol could mean, I often go to Dream Moods and see what they have to say. Sometimes I can agree with their meaning of a symbol and other time it just feels way off. You have to go with what YOU sense and not rely solely on a dream dictionary.

In the case of sex in my dreams, I very rarely think the sex has anything to do with actual intimacy with a person outside of self. Lol I often think of it as the only way our human minds can translate the act of merging with an aspect of self.

Graphic details alert! If you don't want to read graphic sexual details, please read no further.

This is a dream I had about Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters:

November 28, 2015 4:52am I just woke laughing from a dream. I had just been having sex with Dave Grohl on the stairs and it was fucking amazing!

The dream starts with me hearing people talking about me. Some of them are family and they are saying how I am sometimes rough with the kids...like stern and not warm and fuzzy. I pull open a curtain to see who they were talking to and one of the people I see is Taylor, the drummer for the Foo Fighters. Apparently one of the kids I was "rough" with was either his kid or a nephew. I wasn't apologetic at all. I was just like "whatever" it feels like Taylor is interested in me but I am not really giving him my time. I am intrigued by him but that is all. And then later Dave Grohl comes out and I get all smiley. I was listening to some of his music on the Surface and he was all..."well if you would rather play my music than hang with me..." He was funny and I put the Surface down and moved some things off the couch so he could sit. I take out some gum from my mouth so I can talk properly with him and I dispose of it in a paper towel. We ended up wrestling on the floor and I was all like "I could totally take you" and yet I was underneath him. Lol We ended up going out of the room and started heading up the stairs because I think it was clear we both wanted to be with each other but we never quite made it up the stairs. He starts kissing me, tells me how beautiful I am and it all felt real and then he is inside of me and I am moving against him. I randomly think how his bandmate is going to be annoyed because I went on several dates with him and nothing ever happened between us. Lol He is nearly at his pinnacle and he stops me so he can hold it. And then some of the others come around the corner and I am laying there with Dave inside me and feeling a little embarrassed to be caught in the act. Someone threw some popcorn in the air and it went everywhere and some got stuck in the curls of my hair. Dave and I stand and I am trying to brush the popcorn out if my hair and I am laughing. I am wearing a black band t-shirt and it is over sized so you couldn't see my nakedness underneath. I see someone pass who I identify as Lee Majors and there were other famous people but I can't remember who. Lol I woke up with the biggest smile on my face and laughing.

Dave Grohl

Interpretation:

Now I could get my fan girl on and think "OMG I just had astral sex with Dave Grohl!" But that isn't what I think at all. What we have to ask is, what does Dave represent to me? To me the stand out quality in Dave is his sense of humor. His music is great but I am madly in love with him because of the combination of his talent and his sense of humor. The guy is funny and entertaining. Every show of his I have been to has been special because he managed to make me and everyone there laugh. He engages the audience and makes you feel like he really wants to be right there with you. So for me, Dave represents the funny and playful side of me. It was showing me integrating that aspect of me through the physical merging, through the act of sex. And I can look at my life recently and see how this is very true. I have rediscovered my sense of humor. It is most evident in some of my comments in the Sum 41 community, but it is very much there...the humor and playfulness that I love about Dave Grohl is part of me now and more at the surface of who I am.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Scott Trippler

Deryck Whibley is the front man for the band, Sum 41. Two and a half years ago he collapsed and nearly died due to alcohol abuse. It was a long hard road to recovery but despite everything, he persevered and didn't give up.  His perseverance has paid off and when I see him in dreams, this is what he represents to me... perseverance.

This is a dream I had about him:

September 3, 2016 5:22 am I dreamed of Deryck. We were together at some house. There was something about the basement being demolished and renovated. It was completely open now. Everything that had once been there was now gone including internal walls and furniture. I can't remember why but we get up early together. Deryck moves closer to me and I am happy about it. He wants to know if we can do something together. It feels like he mentions dancing together and maybe there is something about a song. I can't remember specifically. I just remember that he gets even closer so that he is touching me and we start kissing.

Interpretation:

To me this is about clearing away all the old shit and becoming really open. The mention of the song seems to suggest not giving up on an old dream of making music. And Deryck, of course, represents perseverance and not giving up. Having an intimate moment with him was about starting to integrate that aspect of self into me.

Deryck Whibley - Photo by Ysa Taylor

June 1, 2016 10:16 am I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like it that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. We started kissing and the kiss felt real. I don't think it went beyond a kiss

Interpretation:
Because Deryck represents perseverance and not giving up on your dreams (for me), it seems to be showing me that I am having difficulty getting started....getting going. You need an erect penis to get going with sex. The limp penis represents the lack of enthusiasm about moving forward and not giving up on something. I want to get excited and pursue an old dream, but I need something more to help get me excited as represented by the unusual act of the wearing women's underwear to excite him. This is very true to how I have been feeling for a while. The fact that in both dreams Deryck and I only kiss seems to represent I am only kind of flirting with idea of merging with that aspect of me. Now when I finally see Deryck and I engage in full on sex and do more than just kiss, we can see this as symbolic of not giving up and perseverance coming into the forefront, of full integration. I have flirted with the idea of trying to sing again, but I haven't actually completely revived that dream and put perseverance into action there.

That last dream is a perfect segue into discussing unusual and sometimes disturbing sexual encounters in your dreams. I know when I have had some eyebrow raising sex scenes in dreams, my first response was WTF?!!! And my second response was to think that it was very disturbing that my subconscious was conjuring this stuff up for me to see. But if you apply the whole "sex is an integration of an aspect of self" idea, it becomes a LOT less disturbing.

Anal sex to some people is no big deal and kudos to you for being a more adventurous person than me. I had a dream that involved anal sex. I was a willing participant and actually seemed to enjoy the experience in the dream...which was strange to me since it really isn't something I participate in personally. What I decided the dream was showing me is being in a state of allowing...a state of vulnerability. I struggle to allow and be vulnerable. If you are not in a complete state of allowing with anal sex, it will HURT like hell. In the dream it was pleasurable and it was consensual. In the dream, the other participant was my employer which would indicate this vulnerability and allowing is work related. The work I think it is speaking of is my writing and what I share with all of you. It hasn't always been easy to completely open and share and admit some of the things I have here, on Instagram and on Facebook, but I do so in hopes that sharing my journey with you will help someone along the way.

I have had dreams of having sex with different animals. Once I got past being traumatized by the visuals and went into understanding the symbols, I understood what wonderful symbolism it actually could be. I have merged with lions, stag deer, a spider-dog creature, and a donkey, to name a few. You have to research the symbolic meaning of each animal and see how you could be integrating their qualities into self. 

I had a few dreams in the last month or so about being a hermaphrodite and having sex with myself. At first glance it could seem pretty strange, but in reality it is a beautiful symbol of integrating and balancing the masculine and feminine in self.

Don't let fear and shame of what is considered taboo keep you away from the core meaning of the visuals you are seeing. Don't push it away, try not to think of it and consider it a "bad dream" because, in reality, it is a gift.

Dreams are an amazing way for our subconscious, our guides and Source to speak to us. They are like a rose bud with so many layers just waiting to be discovered. Sometimes the hidden meanings, the Easter eggs, aren't always obvious and we have to revisit the dream over and over to check to see if the petals are opening more and revealing the many layers of meaning that exist in them as we gain more knowledge and understanding.

Standing Naked and Exposed, Vulnerability

The Descent of Iztaccihuatl (The White Woman) - Ricardo Fernández Ortega

I think I have to admit (mostly to myself) that Deryck Whibley has become my unlikely muse. lol Lately many of my blog posts are inspired by something relating to him. This one will be no exception. This too is directly related to my interactions with him on Instagram.

It was my guides who first brought Deryck into my awareness. Before that, I thought all those Sum 41 songs I heard on the radio were Blink 182. hahaha Sorry, Deryck, it is true. I was oblivious to the name "Sum 41" until May 2014. Since then it has been an interesting experience, to say the least.

It is funny how a complete stranger can unknowingly make an impact on us and help us grow without doing anything but being themselves. I dutifully started posting comments because I knew my guides wanted me to interact with him for a reason, so I complied. What I didn't count on is the inner growth I would make as a result.

I have been watching Deryck since his brush with death. I have been paying attention to what he says. I have watched older videos on their YouTube channel to get acquainted a little about who he is. I have watched interviews with him as well.

One day he is all like "Yo, I am on Instagram now. Follow me!" I groaned and reluctantly signed up to Instagram so that I could "Follow" him there. I watched and sometimes commented. I watched his adoring fans and their comments. Eventually Deryck actually started interacting with them. I thought, "Wow! This is a twist and a change." He has even replied to me a number of times. I saw his fans light up and get excited and start posting more. I saw the desperation of some wanting him to notice them. "Please notice me!" some would say. And how many of us feel that way in our every day life..."just notice me". It struck me and I could see how much it meant to those people to have a response. The average age of Dercyk's audience is still mostly young...teens to 20s, I would say. His music speaks to that age group and that age group can be influenced a lot.

Eventually the interaction with his fans evolved. He started sharing their artwork and tattoos. He started liking their videos, and I tell you, my heart grew just observing all of this. Sometimes I have posted comments to Deryck and later deleted them. I do that a lot actually. lol Sometimes if they just leave me feeling like I have revealed too much, I delete.

Recently I posted a comment to Deryck and sang his praises. I have done it before, but I chose an old photo and tagged him and hoped none of his fans would bother to look. lol This time I posted out in the open for all of them to see my soft gooey inside that I don't often like to show. And then yesterday I posted a poem on my Instagram and tagged him in a message that followed. While I was composing that message, something unexpected happened. At the end of the message I BURST into tears and I was like wtf, where did that come from?

That moment was a spotlight. It shined a light on a core issue...something I needed to work on and address....but it also left me feeling vulnerable and exposed even though what I said was kind and loving. This morning I promptly deleted it. My BFF, Ziba, asked me why and a series of questions that made me take a look at it.

This was the dialogue exchange...

ME:  I mean last night with writing what I did to Deryck and responding with huge emotion was a surprise and shined a light on something I need to look at.

Of course I have a strong urge to delete that message and I likely will today. I think he has probably seen it and there is no reason for it to be there anymore.

ZIBA: leave it

you created it and it's beautiful, let it remain

ME: The poem will stay

ZIBA: even the comment

ME: But my personal message to him I just removed

ZIBA: why?

ME:  I don't know

It just made me squirm

And I guess it wouldn't seem so...i don't know....pointless if he had actually acknowledged seeing it.

It makes me feel vulnerable and naked and so I deleted it.

Ding, ding, ding! And there it is...feeling exposed and naked leaves me feeling vulnerable and I run from vulnerability like the plague.

"What was that issue that came up?" you might wonder. Let me share a couple of the comments I posted before:

This was the one I hid on an old post....

oktobre17: I'm going to randomly post on one of your old posts over here because I can. I miss this account and miss seeing your face as the avatar I see when you post pictures. I understand why you would choose the sum 41 account as it just makes sense. More people can find you easily. Let's face it "sum 41" is easier to spell than "the official Deryck Whibley" hahahaha I am being nostalgic, I guess. I think it is very cool that you make some kid's day by commenting and liking his video, or sharing an amazing drawing someone did who loves your band. It makes them feel special and it makes you seem like you have a heart and can remember what is was like to be a geeky kid singing to your favorite band in your bedroom. I feel more like an observer than a fan and I have been watching and I think your interaction with your fans is lovely and thoughtful. Maybe I have had too much time to think while I lay in bed for days with food poisoning. Hahaha Sending love and light your way because my heart feels full with what I have seen.

Here is a recent one...

oktobre17: @sum41 I know I have said this before and I will say it again. I really love seeing how you are interacting more with your fans in different ways...liking their posts and sharing their art and tattoos. Those tiny little gestures mean the world to those people. It isn't just about their idol acknowledging them, but I am guessing at least some of them don't have people in their lives supporting them and encouraging them to pursue their dreams. You give them hope and encouragement and that means a lot when so many people tell you to be realistic and tell you that you could never succeed in music.
 In your position you have a platform to be an influence and role model and what you do with that position matters. Bravo to you for stepping up and giving a shit about these kids. It is beautiful to watch as it unfolds. Much love and light to you, my friend

PS: I miss you updating your blog. :)

And this is the one I deleted...

oktobre17: @sum41 I used to write a lot when I was young. Hence the reason most of my lyrics and poems are written in the 80s and 90s. My big dream in life was that i wanted to sing in a band. I wrote lyrics but didn't play an instrument so didn't know the first thing about writing music to go with those words. This one is a poem but many of my writings were set up with verses and a chorus. My father was/is a religious fanatic. My parents weren't supportive of my dream. It kind of crushes the spirit of the young dreamer when you aren't encouraged to do what you love most. I think at one point I just gave up the dream and buried it deep inside. It was only this past year that I dug out my old poetry and lyrics and published some of it on my blog. I'm 46 now and those kinds of dreams I simply remember wistfully with a little pain in my heart. My daughter is 6 and i want to encourage her to pursue anything her heart desires. When I say the things i do to you, I say them very sincerely because what you are doing for those kids, I wish someone had done for me.

Do you see how in the second comment I kind of in a roundabout way talk about what my issue is but I worded it as "them" and "they" and didn't own it? In the last comment I admitted that *I* didn't feel supported or encouraged...and FUCK...god damnit the tears just broke free again and just typing this is like standing naked and exposed, showing you my greatest failure and disappointment...THE DEATH OF A DREAM...a dream never realized. And now I know there is something there that is begging to be healed and what that something is.

*deep breath*

I want to talk about how being vulnerable isn't a bad thing, blah blah blah....but I think I have to step away and post an edit to this once the tears have stopped and I can compose my thoughts.

Indentity Crisis

Art by Carlos Quevedo

I am having an identity crisis.

Let's not mistake it with a "mid-life crisis".

As we learn and expand our minds, our guides and higher selves give us more pieces to our personal puzzle. They reveal more to us because they think we can absorb it and handle it now. This is what happened for me recently.

Reading Dolores Cannon opened my mind to the possibilities. I already started to suspect that I was a walk- in, but I didn't have confirmation until recently. Recently I had a dream that revealed some truths to me. Here is part of that dream:

October 7, 2014 I keep trying to retain this dream even though I want to keep sleeping. Lol I need to write it down so I can remember as much as I can. There was a house. Apparently my mom was living there it seemed like it was a big house. There were lots of rooms. There was a man that came inside and told me that the fresh flowers that are supposed to be in the window weren't and it was part of the lease agreement...that fresh flowers would always be kept in a certain window in memory of the woman who used to own the house but obviously had died. I told the guy that I knew nothing about what my mom had agreed to in the lease and it was quite possible she didn't know everything she had agreed to either. I told him I would talk to my mom and get the lease and go over it so I knew what she had agreed to. He was tall, with long hair and light brown skin. He looked Native. He was younger looking. But suddenly he was gone and there was an older Mexican looking guy in his place and I asked him if he was the guy that had just been there and he said no, that it was someone else. I talked to mom about the agreement and she seemed to know about the flowers but she had just forgotten to do it and I told her that she needed to have fresh flowers there if she was going to stay there. It seems like she had a conversation with someone that was head of the estate and someone else was going to come in regularly and make sure there were always fresh flowers there. I think I wandered around the house a bit. I seem to remember there were a back set of stairs that had lots of child's things on the stairs and basically made the stairs unusable. I can't remember if I spent time up stairs or not. It seems like I might have.

Interpretations: The issue with the children's things on the stairs spoke loudly to me of blockages stemming from childhood. I don't really know yet which situation has created the blockage. Perhaps the most traumatic one is from when my mother had a nervous breakdown in front of my school as it was letting out. She became catatonic...couldn't speak...couldn't move anything from her neck down. The doctors told us then if that ever happened again, she might not be able to come out of it. It was a fear I lived with on a daily basis. I love my mom, but she was weak and too sensitive. The smallest thing could set her off crying. My siblings and I knew we had to toughen up to be her strength, to protect her in any way we could. That whole year was fraught with one trauma after another. My mom left my dad for the first time. I think it was 1980. I was about 11, almost 12. We moved a number of times and was homeless for a little while because my father burned the place down we had been living in. I changed schools something like 6 times. My dad shot our dogs in the head out of spite and let me know he shot Ginger in the head once because she was his favorite and Misty (the puppy) in the head 4 times...a bullet for each of his children. He had planned to kill us all and then himself that year. He told me this. It didn't happen because we declined his invitation to Christmas dinner. He was going to ask us to come back to him and if we didn't, he was going to kill us all and then himself. I developed such rage and hate that year. I know I must have changed enormously. I was once a very loving and sensitive child and I changed to adapt and survive my environment. A question I have been asking myself is how do I unfreeze my heart? How do I release the block when I feel it has served me well? So what if people think me cold and unfeeling. I don't crumble under adversity like I might have should I have stayed the sensitive and loving being that I once was as a child.

The issue of the flowers confused me at first. A house in a dream normally represents the person...their mind. Finally I was being given an acknowledgment that I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL INHABITANT. I mean, I considered it as a possibility, but here it was being shown to me that, yes, you are not the original driver of this car. I know from what I have read in Dolores Cannon books that often intuitives and psychics will pick up on the past lives of the original inhabitant. So the lives that are accessed aren't always even that of the current driver. I started researching the topic of walk-ins because my guides showed me that there are 4 walk-ins I need to seek out and will be working with. They are part of my team and most likely, soul family. Back then I never suspected that I, myself, could be a walk-in as well. 

After I understood the meaning of the flowers in my dream, the guides confirmed that what I was thinking is true. They tell me it is really good I am questioning my identity. That is easy for them to say. They aren't the ones sitting here questioning their whole existence and what they thought was their life. From all that I have learned about walk-ins, it is entirely possible to be a walk-in and NEVER know it. In fact there are millions of us who ARE walk-ins. The whole idea that there has to be an illness or a trauma for a walk-in to happen is a myth. Those are just the cases we learn about because of the NDE that often happens as well. I would bet you that a vast majority of walk-ins have no idea that they are NOT the original driver of the human vehicle. The human hard drive (aka brain) stores all memories so, when the new driver steps in, they have access to the data and memories. Amnesia takes place and they believe fully that they have always been the driver of that vehicle. It is rare that a walk-in actually is conscious of being a walk-in but it does happen occasionally. 

My revelation has made several questions pop up like when did I walk into this body? Who was the being before me? Was she more connected to the people she was born to than I am? I love my mother deeply but I have a strong disconnect with the rest of my family and now it makes more sense as to the reason why. I have always had a sense of not fitting in and not being like everyone else. The truth is, being in a human vehicle feels foreign to me and I don't enjoy it very much. It isn't my natural state and a part of me knows this on a deep soul level. I fully believe this to be my first human Earth life. I have been here before long ago but it wasn't in human form. It was at the time of Atlantis and the body I was in then was not of this world.

I have a sense of frustration attached to this new revelation. If we have no real sense of knowing when the switch took place, then who the hell is "I" and "me"? If it is really just part of a computer-like program that gives me a sense of who I am, then really none of us know who we actually are other than the role we agree to fill in this giant play we are performing in what we call "Life". How is it that any of this is really all that important anyway? These are things I am questioning and wondering now. I have memories of when I was a 1-year-old staring out a window and chewing on a blue perm rod curler. But whose memory is that actually? Was I in the body then? The switch could have been recent for all I know. For all I know ALL of the memories I think are mine were experienced by the original. That is what is such a mind-fuck about this all. I just don't know.

I am laughing to myself because I am rattling on like this is a normal conversation to have, but I totally get how it will be just too much for some to understand or grasp. I wouldn't have been able to grasp it early on in my journey. I would have rejected it initially and then come back to it when my mind expanded more.