Rewriting the Script

"8 of Swords" by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Journal Entry: November 29, 2019 I dreamed of having some job working for a Chinese woman but the paychecks were all very small. It seemed I often just saved these little payouts until I accumulated enough to cash them in. Some guy finds one I had taped somewhere and I stated, "I forgot all about that one." I found other checks with small amounts elsewhere as well and put them all together to cash them in.  

Later, I am with my former employer, K, and and his grown son in a room. I think my current employer, the Chinese woman, is with me. I am talking about beers with the woman for some reason and stated that K knew much more about all of the varying flavors than I did. K heard us talking and came in to chime in. I notice he is bald now. I am slightly nervous about him being near. I am remembering we have had an affair and I am trying to remember if it was just here in the dream or if we had actually had an affair. It feels like just in here but I struggled to remember. It feels like it has been a long time since we have been intimate. K mentions Portrait of a Lady and I am wondering why he has mentioned this and I start to come out of the dream, at which point, I looked up the cliff notes. 

Oh yeah, I also heard something about "making him anatomically correct".

After having this dream, I searched "Portrait of a Lady" online. My eyes hadn't yet focused enough to read, so I opted instead to see if the movie was available on Amazon Prime. Sure enough, it was there as a free option to watch.

After having watched the film to refresh my memory, I felt annoyed by the ending. It wasn't clear what Isabel ended up doing, so I had to look up the cliff notes to find out.

Spoiler alert!

She goes back to Rome to be with her abusive husband and loveless marriage.

Okay, so Isabel made a terrible choice in a partner, but that shouldn't mean she should have to suffer it for the duration of her life or until he dies.

Why does she stay in her miserable situation?

Pride and fear of what others will think is her cage.

"Eight of Swords" from the Ostara Tarot by Krista Gibbard

There is no honor in sacrificing happiness for either of those reasons. Isabel would rather live a life of misery than admit her own mistakes publicly. In doing so, she puts herself in an "Eight of Swords" situation. She feels trapped like there is no escape and yet the only thing standing in her way is her own flawed perspective and beliefs. She holds the key and yet she chooses her cage rather than to fly free.

She had choice after choice and she chose badly.

When I was a child and would read book or watched a movie with an ending I didn't like, it would upset me tremendously and then I would set out to rewrite the script in my mind.

One of my favorite past times was to "make movies in my head" where I would imagine various scenarios with me as the lead character. When it came to unhappy endings, I would imagine a completely different, happy ending. Bambi's parents are still alive in my ending.

My parents took me to see an old Disney movie called "The Littlest Horse Thieves". Flash, the mine pony, saves the day but perishes due to ingrained conditioning and training. Instead of leaving the mine to experience freedom, he goes back to the stall he habitually went back to due to programming and he dies.

Freedom was possible but his slavery conditioned him and caused him to choose badly at the worst possible moment. After I watched that movie, I was inconsolable. I cried and cried and cried even though my family kept telling me it wasn't real and it was just a movie. It didn't matter. It hurt my heart so much that I imagined for months after Flash breaking free from his conditioning and making his way out of the mine safe and sound.

"Speechless" by Catrin Welz-Stein

So if I were to imagine a different ending for Isabel, I would imagine her taking back her own power. The best way to take back our power when there is information we are embarrassed might become public and subject to public scrutiny is to simply own it and reveal it ourselves. In my ending, she enlists her reporter friend to tell her story before anyone else can. When we open our closets, shine a light in the corners and share it before others do, we remove the negative charge and power that anyone might have to try to use it against us. Transparency and openness makes it impossible for anyone to ever have power over us. It is like in the movie, Labyrinth, when Sarah suddenly realizes that the only power Jareth ever had over her was her own fear, it freed her.

The public's problem with our personal choices is their problem if it doesn't actually impact them personally in anyway.

My brother used to say, "If you have a problem with that, then that's your fucking problem." And while it seems harsh, it is absolutely true. Your opinion of me is more of a reflection of you than it is of me. To base our decisions on what everyone else thinks means to always give our power away to someone else to decide for us how we live our lives.

In my ending, Isabel would step into who she she was meant to be had she not been derailed by scheming and dishonest people who only cared for her money. She would be more like Miss Elizabeth Bentley from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice and choose her own happiness over public opinion. Isabel would joyfully ruffle feathers and shock her peers by divorcing her abusive husband. She would face her fears head on like she was a battering ram and public opinion simply a wall waiting to be dismantled by her. It is what she was made for...to travel paths others have not in order to make it easier for others to also choose happiness over conditioning and tradition.

"10 of Cups" by Catrin Welz-Stein

She would follow her heart and take risks if there was one she truly loved and felt a connection to on every level. She would answer the door to love when opportunity knocks. She would run to unconditional love instead of away from it and back into her stall to wait for certain death. Flash died a physical death in his movie, but there is a kind of death that is much worse than physical death. It is the internal death we sometimes experience when, bit by bit, we die inside until we become the walking dead. I was once a walking dead person and it is very unpleasant, indeed.

If our lives are headed in a direction of slowly dying inside, the most self loving thing we can do is to break away from the programming, the conditioning, the fear of what others think and choose to step out of our cages that have never actually been locked. We simply have to make heart centered choices based in love rather than out of fear and obligation.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

If you don't like the storyline currently playing out, rewrite your script. You hold the pen and get to decide.

Dreams: Spite from the Eye, Darkness Crucified

Art by IrenHorrors

Dream Journal Entry May 7, 2018 In a dream I was with a boy and during the dream I saw him get older. He was under my care but wasn't my biological son. I agreed to care for him. I looked at us both in the mirror. He is beautiful and he looks similar to me. Now he is an older teen and he looks more like a man now. I am in a large tiled bath tub and he disrobes and gets in. I don't know why he is doing this. There is another woman in the bath with me and she has let the baby's head go under water. I retrieve the baby and make sure she is still breathing and instruct the other woman not to let her go under water again. The man-child slides into the tub and I feel embarrassed to feel so attracted to him. There is a desire that stirs in me, but I feel conflicted. I have raised him as my own son. I love him deeply. He says something like, "Do you want me for yourself..."
I am thinking he knows I am attracted to him at first and then he continues, "...to destroy your enemies like the legend speaks of?"

Something is said about taking the spite from the eye and implanting it in the womb to create a being who would destroy their enemies. Anyone in possession of him could use him for this purpose. I had a sense that most people feared him and what he was meant for.

I touched him tenderly and lovingly and said, "You may not have been my creation, but I love you as my son. To me, you ARE my son. Just because that was the purpose doesn't mean that the story has to end that way. It can be rewritten if we both choose it. I love you. You are my son. I want you to have a life and many experiences." He said, "I guess your secret is out then." I asked him, "What secret is that? That I am more feeling and caring than people usually realize?" He smiles and said, "Yes, Mama." We embraced a loving embrace. I could feel myself tremble and I hoped he didn't notice. I had a sense that he could sense the stirring inside me that was desire mixed with motherly love. I think I could feel the same desire from him but neither of us acted on it in those moments. I wanted him to have a life and experiences and not be stuck with only knowing me.

Later I was at a travel agency and was buying a ticket to go home. I am flustered because I realize I already have bought a ticket. I am frustrated with my own forgetfulness. My son is trying to calm me and telling me it is okay. Then I consider that I need a ticket for him anyway so maybe I could just get the name changed to his instead of buying a new one. I remember seeing a note on blue paper from a travel agent. I couldn't make out what it said. I also remember the envelopes the plane tickets were in were red and white like the old TWA ones used to be. They felt old and used but the tickets inside were at least current. I remember seeing the clock said 4:11 and made note that our flight left at 5 something so we had to go right then to catch our flight.

Art by IrenHorrors

Dream Journal Entry: December 29, 2018 I was dreaming I am in a car and we are nearing an intersection and I can't seem to find the brake pedal in order to stop.

The scene jumps.. Someone is showing me what happened the night Brandon Lee died. I am seeing there is a group of guys who hate him for no real reason. He had some run in with them...an altercation of some sort and now Brandon has become their target. I am seeing how Brandon was arrested on some bogus charge but he is released. He has a run in with this group of guys again but I am seeing them in a restaurant and they are spitting in his food. It looks like pizza dough. They are taunting him.

Now I am being taken with this guy to another place. We are out of the car and down in a creek. It is shallow and we are walking through it. At first I see a German Shepard with us and later it is my little dog, Mahina. We make our way up to a location.

It feels familiar. It is a bridge. Mahina starts to growl and run, but I pick her up and carry her so she will be safe.

On the bridge Brandon himself shows up. He sees me and is so happy to see me. He is coming with us to show us the rest. He is taller than the guy I am with and he picks me up and carries me for a little while. I told him it was okay for him to put me down so I could walk with him.

I am seeing a second altercation with the same group of men and I keep seeing a bed of nails. I am starting to come out of the dream but I don't want to leave Brandon. I am starting to process the dream and recognizing this wasn't really about Brandon's death as Brandon. He was showing me Isa's death and what happened. Some people hated him and held a grudge. The pizza reference was showing me it was some Romans.

I held him again before I woke entirely and exclaimed, "Isa, my Isa!" I started hearing Sting's "Every Breath You Take" in my head and I knew this was from him. I woke, laying there trying to hold onto as much as I could and feeling happy to have seen him in my dreams.

Steps for Healing Addiction

Art from The White Witch Oracle by Athena Noctua

I intended to flesh these revised 12 steps...now 20... to healing addictions, but I just never came back to it. I feel the push to publish it in its skeleton form. Hopefully I will be inspired to come back later and flesh it out, but my guides are telling me that someone needs these right now.

1. Recognition there is a problem

2. Desire to change

3. Lean on me, ask for help, find a lifeline

4. Guidance - God is within, little voice within, inner compass

5. Magnifying glass, self exploration, self analysis of patterns of current and past lives

6. Understanding

7. Responsibility, accountability

8. Forgiveness, releasing, letting go

9. Creative expression, finding something that lights you up but also serves as a way to express your internal self

10. Effective communication used consistently and often to express feelings and resolve conflict

11. Vulnerability, opening up, dropping defenses

12. Pausing to see the lesson

13. Acceptance

14. Setting intentions, consciously creating, writing your story

15. Discovering your purpose

16. Taking action

17. Blind faith

18. Gratitude

19. Balance

20. Give love, pay it forward

Art by Ernesto García Cabral

Finding Your Center

I would have slept longer, but my guides want me to talk about who I saw in my dreams last night.... which I tend to push away those dreams because I don't like when I dream about him. .
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Typically I have given him his anonymity, but I have to use his full name because it is the key to why I dream of him...not just because he was a catalyst (asshole) whose shallow behavior boomeranged me into a journey back to self. .
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Jason Michael Adolph Bishop

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Why is this single name so important? Finding your middle, your balance, is essential. In this case, there are two middles which can be seen as polar opposites. .
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Arch Angel Michael
Adolf Hitler

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They are symbolic of good and evil, light and dark and here we see them as the center of one individual. .
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"They" tell me that you believe you are all darkness. They tell me that you think I would reject you if you came forward with the truth of who you have been and what you have done, things you have imagined, lies you have told, addictions you are battling. .
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The thing is, my beloved soul partner, chances are pretty good that I already know most of it because for every dream I write about, there are many more I never discuss. For every sign or sync I share, there are thousands of others that tell me a story that I never reveal. .
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I know.
I see you.
I forgive you.
I love you.... completely...not just the easy to love parts of you. .
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But you are not just my beloved Darkness who has guided me this whole time so that I can now guide his physical incarnation, you are lightness too. You are both, but you have forgotten in the environment your have been in. That is why I found you, so I could remind you of the lightness that also exists equally within you. You only have to recognize it and accept that part of you to copilot your ship. .
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When you integrate and blend the polar opposites, you can then start to love yourself entirely the way that I do. You will then be able to forgive yourself so that you can let those old patterns, beliefs and behaviors fall away to embody the purest and most whole version of you. .
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📷 1. Alchemical illustration of the four elements
2. Me and Jason in Las Vegas
3. Kurt Cobain/Jason

Emotional
Physical
Mental
Spiritual
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Water
Earth
Fire
Air
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North
South
East
West
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Spring
Summer
Autumn
Winter

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There are four primary parts of self.
The only thing that can bring them together as one thing into balance is the element of LOVE. Self love brings it all together. It is the glue that mends and binds it all into completion. .
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🎶Love will keep us together.🎶
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🎶Come together, right now.🎶

Purification
Distillation
Extraction

July 22, 2017 I had a dream that Kerry and some other guy said they wanted to show me something. They said they could put a cat in a dog. They took Mahina and injected her with the cat essence. They made sure to put every drop they could in. I freaked out after and said they had killed Mahina and had no regard for who had been there before their Experiment. I was so upset. The dog was still alive with the cat essence, but I knew she wasn't my Mahina anymore and was very upset. .

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June 24, 2017 They are extracting the living part from the vessels from the previous horsemen I have dealt with, thus, leaving them empty. In the dream, I seem to be in some space-age-like lab and something is being extracted from something/someone and mixed with something else. it was supposedly an antidote for something and what was being held up and ingested was orange. Orange is the color of relationships and creativity.

Game Strategy: The Other Mother Boss Battle

La Toussaint, René Charles Edmond His (1897)

This is me trying to process something to understand information I have received throughout this journey.

There is a running theme of "the other mother" and a murder caused by a partner.

"They" were in my face with the whole Kurt Cobain murder mystery and I have been trying to process how it fits with everything else I have been given. "They" seem to indicate it is going to happen again and I took that to mean that the being who played the role of Kurt has another character in play in which a similar scenario was going to happen.

I was torn between, do I talk about it or do I just let it play out and hope his other character in the game makes better choices than the Kurt one did so he can save his own life?

I guess I decided to talk about it even if it is for my own processing purposes and putting it all in one location.

Fairytale themes have shown up in dreams and a common theme in many is a false mother who is all about personal material gain rather than for the highest good of the child and everyone else. Often they are depicted as evil stepmothers. In Disney's Tangled the false mother steals the child and raises her as her own. In Coraline, the other mother is seemingly everything that Coraline could ever want, but in reality she wanted to keep her against her will and if she couldn't have her, she was willing to take her life.

Woodcut illustration by Eugene Dete for La Sorciere by Jules Michelet

In a dream I was told that "he imprinted on her" and I believed then that they were talking about Kurt Cobain imprinting on Courtney Love, causing him to believe he was like her. I think that is still possible, but I also now believe the imprinting of his soul happened originally in a much earlier life so that he naturally gravitates to "the other mother" in lifetime after lifetime. This attraction is like a moth to a flame. It is destructive and will ultimately cause their death either literally or emotionally internally.

I recently saw a video of a goose emulating the flamingos it was with who were all standing on one leg.  It reminds me of the story of the Ugly Duckling who believed he was a duck, but all along he was actually a swan. To imprint on the wrong energy could mean that you live a life that isn't true to who you really are at your core...if only you could remember.

These are a few of the dreams that seem to repeat a theme.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Journal Entry: March 3, 2019 I was with another girl who i identity as my sister. It feels like we are younger...early twenties, maybe. We are somewhere with brothers. My sister is off with the brother she is dating. I am left with the other one. I think it is determined we will come together at some point  but I have this knowing that we have played this scene out before. The last time we played it out the mother to the boys came in and killed all of us. I can't remember why she would do such a thing, but I knew it was about to happen again.

I said to the others, "If we know she is going to kill us, why are we just sitting here accepting that this will be our fate? Why don't we just call the police or leave?"

Later I am talking to the mother and I feel guarded. She is talking about how there is a special alignment happening and there are three days in a row that are one days. I didn't ask for elaboration. I assumed it was numerology or astrology based. I just knew I had to find a way to leave without her suspecting anything. I encouraged the brother I had been talking to to come with me. I was making my move and leaving. The brother ended up at some movie theater. I came back to help him because I thought his mother would surely find him here. He was having trouble walking so I assisted on one side of him. It was at that point he turned into the actor Cillian Murphy.

Where we had been was very dark and felt like night but where we ended up was bright and sunny. I told him I would take him to my home for now. I looked around. It felt like farm country and there were just a few houses sprinkled here and there. It was pleasant. We stood on the road at a crossroads while I tried to decide where to go. I apologized because I couldn't remember where my home was so decided to go to the house nearest us that seemed to have some event going on. There was a bouncy house and someone was showing them animals and talking about them. The first animals were bunnies and then I heard them say, "and this is our cesarean bear." I started to wake at that point.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Journal Entry: April 17, 2015 There was something about following someone into a house. She was talking to someone about a serious situation where something similar had happened in the past with her brother. Her brother had died and apparently his dried corpse was on a shelf. I was curious, while she was in the other room, and lifted it. To my surprise he started talking to me. I took him with me and we went someplace....some business...but I think he was telling me what had happened in the past and warned me it would happen again. I remember the dead guy's tongue coming out at one point and having to put it back in. Someone with me jumped from a window to avoid the fire that started. I got out but don't remember how i ended up outside. 

In earlier deams I remember being in a hotel room and seeing two fish tanks. Also there was a dog that wasn't mine who wandered into my room and I took it back to his owners.

There was also something about this shop that sold popcorn and gummy worms. They mixed with the popcorn what you wanted....chocolate, gummies, etc. I had never had anything from this shop before and just wanted plain caramel corn....no gummies or chocolate. I think this was the business that was going to explode or catch fire. 

"The Case of Jennie Brice" book cover art by William Teason

Dream Journal Entry:  June 1, 2017 Last night I had weird dreams and tried very hard to hold onto one section that was particularly unusual. All I remember from that part was seeing a TV and something occurring on the screen...someone I cared about was in danger and they weren't aware of it. The attacker was behind them. I felt this burst of energy coming from me in my desire to protect the person on the screen. I looked at my hand and ventured to reach inside the TV. I was surprised that my hand was able to reach inside the TV as though it wasn't solid. I actually reached inside this person who was a threat and crushed their heart in my hand. I remember feeling surprised that it actually eliminated the character on the screen and kept the person safe I wanted to protect.

Later I dreamed about some woman who was a problem and in the way. Somehow she ends up dead but I can't remember how she died, only that I am trying to conceal the death from people. I am trying to make it seem like she is still active and living using some of her belongings. There was a lot more to that part but the details are elusive. I was concerned with how to dispose of the body so no one would ever be able to find it. i think I was considering my options. I remember seeing from an outside perspective this younger guy who was a little odd and I am seeing him hold his arms up with his hands looking claw like in their position and I start to see him fly but then suddenly he turns into a moth fairy...like a small person with moth wings. and then I see the girl he likes become a fairy and they hover together. It is clear they are two different things...similar but different and they wanted to be together. 

Dream Journal Entry: December  14, 2018 I had been captured by some guy who was capturing women and killing them off. I ended up in a bar and somehow I had gone back in time. Kurt Cobain was performing at a small club and I went up to him and asked him to help me. The guy was there at the club with me, watching us but he couldn't hear what I was saying. The bar staff was notified and some of their actions alerted this guy who had been holding me against my will. It was obvious they were calling the police.
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I told him he was going to die in Florida....that it had happened before and was going to happen again. The guy who had taken me was going to kill him because of me. Kurt looks at his wrists which had cuts in them and he said something like, "he has tried before." I said, "he succeeds and he will do it again." I think I thought if I went back again and never meet him, his life would be spared.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

Some of the difficulty of trying to understand the information all placed on the table together is trying to understand what is symbolic internal death potential and what is likely to manifest into the external as physical death.

As within, so without.

But....

Dreams have also indicated that I came in to fix the game because it was killing people off too quickly and now no one can complete the game. Hence being stuck inside the machine.

My soul partner and I are at a big boss level where stakes are high. From a gaming perspective, it would be boring if it was too easy to defeat Bowser. In our specific game, defeating the big boss is trying to determine which person is "the other mother" who wants to keep us prisoner and use us for personal gain and which person will lead to authentic love and freedom. If you choose the wrong one, it will end up being the tunnel of certain death. That is how I saw it in a dream. There are two tunnels...the tunnel of love and the tunnel of certain death.

If you have chosen the wrong tunnel and are currently in "the other mother's" spider web, ask yourself if you have a handy dandy grappling hook to escape the web where it is certain you will be devoured if you don't think and move quickly. If you don't have a grappling hook, hopefully you have a persevering and strong partner who can help guide you away from the precarious obstacle course maze.

Dream Journal Entry;  September 12, 2019 I was at a cafe or somewhere similar and I am with friends. Quite unexpectedly, a whole long piece of poop slips out and I state that sometimes this is how it happens. Thankfully there was a toilet right near me that i was able to go into and take care of it.  

I remember something about going out to a bus and being taken out to a race track where all of us on the bus would be able to drive a go-kart around the track. 

There was something about wearing a white garment that had cloves of garlic sewn inside (for protection?). I was also wearing some odd white shoes that looked like something for people with foot injuries but considered they could double as snow shoes.  

There was an assortment of jewelry inside what looked like a book. When you opened it, the jewelry was all neatly organized. I was making an effort to hold onto it despite the fact that all the jewelry was cheap plastic. I think I thought I would give it to Inara to do with as she wished. 

I remember seeing Christmas decorations and a cord of lights with only some lights on. I considered that we would have to fix that even though Christmas was months away still. I was decorating early.  

I was on a porch on the front side of a house. I remember a red and black fox like creature approach me and I wasn't sure if it would be friendly. I moved to pet it and it tried to bite me. I knew I was stronger than this animal, wrestled it, threw it away from me, then went inside and slammed the door shut. 

I remember an odd part where it seems I am inside a game and I have come upon what looks like a haunted mansion or some large dark spooky building that had been boarded up and it is difficult to even find your way in, but somehow I did and now this level seems to be too hard. I can't seem to get past a certain section because I keep dying. The inside was fortress-like and filled with all kinds if challenges. I wondered to myself why I went straight in to the hardest part instead of just lingering outside of it and doing some of the things you could do outside of this haunted house.  

I think I was given assistance to move past a section and now I seem to be swimming in water in a section. There are all these animals in the water...dogs maybe. A large St. Bernard (the name Bernard means "brave bear") swims by and I get excited because it is so big and I pet the dog. We get out and it turns out the dog is a young guy and I asked if he actually has a St. Bernard and he said, "Yes, at home." I asked how old his dog was and he said she was two.  The St. Bernard looked more like a Bernese mountain dog and was mostly black.

Now I'm talking to him about my friend, Lily, having a show of some kind, i can't remember what kind, and I wanted to introduce him to her.

As I was starting to wake, I was talking about leaving the game. I heard myself say, "I would be willing to stay if I could actually experience my bliss."

Fame is one of the most difficult levels to navigate and my partner headed straight for the hardest level. I lingered outside gathering tools for our tool chest. I knew we would need them for our current level we are trying to navigate.

Of course it is going to take planning and effort to escape the other mother's web and the city of plastic people where zombies are everywhere. We might need suits of garlic to protect us from blood suckers disguised as Hollywood big wigs who are top of the food chain. It is a big boss level, after all. We always knew it was going to be challenging. Lucky for my partner and me, we are skilled gamers and are up for the challenge. We didn't come this far to do anything but complete the entire game with flying colors.

This place we call "Earth" is a virtual reality and we are playing a game. This game is meant to transform us and our strategy needs to include going inside discovering and renovating the being we know as self. We are unblocking and lighting up each color of chakra within us. So when we complete, we will be bright vibrant rainbows operating at the highest version of ourselves.

How is "the other mother" a manifestation of our own making...of our own thoughts? She is a bully but not an obvious one. She is the partner we chose while we hadn't yet healed, so she is a manifestation of the dysfunctional relationship we had with our mother or father in this life. The other mother is the outer expression of the inner abusive dialogue we continued to repeat to ourselves. Most of the time we don't even realize it is happening because we have grown so used to being treated this way by ourselves internally that we don't even recognize it is happening. We have to take a powerful magnifying glass to find all of the hidden cancerous thoughts, discard them, and then start letting go of the outer manifestations of them disguised as partners, friends and sometimes family.

When we choose to finally love and respect ourselves, we become purified and make way to become who we were always meant to be. We start to dismantle the big boss by shedding our old lives so that we can fully embody the highest version of ourselves. Big internal changes naturally eventually translates into big external changes. We can't cling to our old life and still maintain change without it blowing up in our face and potentially eliminating us from the game. We have to let it go so we can build an entirely new one where we get to live the life we always wanted but didn't think was possible. We get to finally experience our bliss.

You have to believe in the possibility in order for the possibility to exist.

My sun sign is Libra which depicts Blind Justice who holds a sword and scales (aka Queen of Swords) as her symbol. Take my sword, dear partner. You will need it to cut through the bullshit of your current life and sever ties with people who no longer serve your highest good.

Come see me when you have defeated the other mother big boss level.

Henry's Crime

"André Masson's Mannequin" Photo By Man Ray (1890 - 1976)

I was thinking about you.

What's new?

I seem to always be thinking about you.

"What is new" is that I had what felt like an "aha" moment about you and why I always see a part of you in prison.

My thoughts wandered to the movie, Henry's Crime. I considered Henry's crime was that he would rather go to prison than take on the responsibility of becoming a parent. He would rather go to prison for a crime he didn't commit than communicate openly and honestly with his partner at that time. Later, we see Henry become remarkably honest with a different partner once his self imposed prison experience transforms him.

Hans Bellmer, Untitled, from La Poupée (The Doll), 1936

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

We all break sometimes. "They" once told me that "the mirror is broken in two places".

Henry's Crime is quite symbolic and filled with clues. Everything we choose can hold a hidden message about us.  For you, the roles you choose to perform are clues to discovering inner truths about you. I think part of you identifies subconsciously with a specific character you take on and can imagine yourself in that role, therefore, you agree to it.

We often become prisoners of our own thoughts and beliefs.

I suddenly realized that the thought/belief that holds you prisoner is you think you manifested the deaths of your daughter, Ava, and your former partner. Like Henry, you didn't think you were ready to be a parent. Kids scare you because you had lost touch with your own inner child and didn't know how to relate to those tiny humans who need us so much. Your own father abandoned you and you feared maybe you would do the same. Maybe it is in the genes, right? And so you secretly wished this wasn't happening and then your careless wish came true with your baby dying in the womb.

Be careful of what you wish for.

And then the grief you both felt from the loss ended your relationship with your partner.

Did you feel relief or were you resentful? She was a constant reminder of what you lost and the guilt you now felt because you had repeatedly wished she hadn't gotten pregnant, so having her close and seeing her grief was something you didn't really want to face. Maybe you pushed her away. Maybe she turned to self medication...drugs, alcohol, etc. Maybe when you finally split, you were happy you could "lay her to rest". You hoped distancing yourself from her would help distance you from the guilt you now felt.

Except you ended up laying her to rest literally and you started to feel like you made this happen with your thoughts. The guilt still eats you alive, although it's buried deeper now and not as easy to detect.

Claude Cahun, Heart of Spade, 1936 

You are Death personified.

At least that is what you now believe.

Maybe you are....and maybe you aren't.

I can tell you from experience, that when something isn't for your highest good, "they" won't let it happen no matter how much we try to manifest something with our thoughts. I have tried to manifest my own death through my thoughts for years and "they" won't let me leave yet. They tell me I still have work to do that will help this reality. I don't want the responsibility and yet here we are anyway with me trying to assist others through telling my story and trying to assist you because "they" want me to... because we are connected on a deep soul level and I see from within you.

You may have wished what you did and thought what you thought, but you were allowed to have that experience to heal your deepest past life wounds that still need to be looked at and healed today.

Man Ray, Meret Oppenheim at the Printing Wheel, 1933

You and I are playing the game "Operation" where I am the doctor and you are both the patient and doctor who I get to extract things from. I'm a mad scientist (we're all mad here) kind of doctor and I don't stop trying to dig out what ails you. That buzzer sound is the sound of your trigger alarms going off, telling you to sit up and look closer at that spot because there is something that needs to be healed.

I could be wrong about all of this, but I have a feeling I'm not, which is why I ended up writing a whole blog post instead of the short Instagram post it was originally meant to be.

I love you deeply and support your growth, expansion and healing.

The partner you have chosen to be with now may have raised you back in that past life so long ago, but I never gave you up willingly. You were taken from me and I never got over the loss of you. I now understand that the son "they" keep telling me will be born to me is actually you...your true inner you...the one Mary never knew.

I won't abandon you...ever.

The World Is Made Up of Two

Photo by Luciana Marti

Dear Soul Partner,

My dreams are suggesting there is a danger of your inner feminine and inner child falling asleep inside of you should you choose to stay where you are currently. This danger of falling asleep is due to the darkness of the environment you work in. Your inner feminine is also the inner warrior. She is the strength that will help you speak your truth openly to the world. The inner child gives you the ability to be playful and light-hearted. If you love them and yourself, you must protect them and make a move into the light...away from the city of plastic people.

You are being asked to make different choices. You are being asked to step out of your comfort zone. Should you not heed the warning, the "Universe" will come hunt you down, running over those who get in the way and dismantle your life as you know it. It is always better to willingly make the changes we know is for our best interests. You are trying to cling to a life that is no longer for your highest good and you know it.

In Toy Story 4, Woody left Bonnie to be free and start a new life with Bo Peep that was on his terms. You can do the same. It doesn't have to be with me here if that isn't what you want, it just has to be in the direction into the light that spirit is asking of you.

If you try to hold onto your old life, it will burn you in the end.

Dream Journal Entry: November 11, 2019 

"The world is made up of two." 

I'm not sure where I was in my dream. There is a big field with beautiful red leaves on the ground everywhere and none of them had been disturbed. My partner was with me and taking photos. I was trying to take a picture as well, but my camera lens was zoomed in and I wasn't seeing the leaves on my screen so had to zoom out. It was peaceful and quiet here with no people walking through. 

Photo by Weegee(Arthur Fellig)/International Center of Photography/Getty Images)

Later, I am inside a movie theater and I am falling asleep nearing the end of the movie. I look over and Inara is also falling asleep. I know we stayed up too late and we can't seem to stay awake in this this environment. If I am going to stay awake, I need to leave the darkness of the theater and back into the light.

Now I am in a different place and I am talking to someone I identify as a tarot reader. I looked inside a book and on some yellow pages read "the world is made up of two." At first I didn't pay much attention, but then it sank in that this was an important message and I grabbed the book again to look at the sentence. I considered I had been wrong all along about a single person setting up this virtual would with their mind. It was TWO that came in together and jointly created this world and everything we were playing out had to do with them.

I was talking to the woman about the true nature of the masculine and how it was actually soft and gentle. She was saying it was rare to see a true masculine but I told her that more of them were coming in now, so we would start seeing more of the true masculine.

As we sat there talking, we heard the screeching of tires and the sound of a vehicle hitting something. I run outside to see what had happened and saw a car down the street to the right stopped and looking like it had clearly hit something but it was unclear to me what it had hit.  

I was standing at a corner of a right angle turn where I stood just outside the building. People were running to see if they could help and someone said someone had been hit by the car. I considered the collision might have happened due to an animal in the road but based on what the witnesses were saying, he ran someone over on purpose. When he discovered it wasn't the right person, he got out of the car without regard to the person he had just killed and started looking for the one he had intended to kill. People tried to detain him but they couldn't restrain him and he started coming towards me. I ran inside and told everyone what was happening and told them they were in danger. I had Inara with me and was trying to move into a room where he wouldn't find us. Even if we weren't the one he wanted, we could still be in danger as this guy had just taken out someone who wasn't the right person. I woke up there.

Strength, Balance and Growith

XI Justice from the Haindl Tarot

It was as though a flock of birds flew into one of my engines and there was a catastrophic failure. The plane I was in started to go down in a tail spin, hurtling towards the earth. The fall felt like it would be fatal. My chest was tight with feeling unable to breathe and I struggled to fight back the sorrow that stood beside me, threatening to swallow me whole. I didn't want to let it overtake me...not again. I needed to be able to think clearly so I could get out of this current downward spiral. But the tears escaped and the sorrow washed over me like a sneaker wave drowning me on the beach where I sat.

I thought, "This is it. This is the end of me," and my tears poured out of me.

I was ready to shut down, step away and lock away my fragile heart once again so it could no longer be wounded. I knew this was the opposite of what I was supposed to be doing on my spiritual journey. I knew this was likely a spiritual test, an opportunity to face my fears and make different choices.

Art by Thor Lin deneg

"Stay open, Alice," I told myself in my anguish.

I tried to process why I was reacting this way? Is it the sadness of maybe being wrong about everything and having to start all over again? Is it the frustration of history repeating itself? Or maybe it is my subconscious forcing me to admit, truly admit, that maybe I feel more for him than I wanted to acknowledge to myself.

I was ready to unsheathe my swords, and order my inner army to eliminate the threat of him.

"Off with his head!!"

I told him in my head while in the height of my anguish, "It's not that I don't love you. It's that I love you so much I can't be expected to comfortably hang around and watch you be with her."

I started to shut doors by means of social media blocking. I started to lay bricks to rebuild my walls.

Art by Thor Lindeneg

But something mysterious happened.

I fell into a rabbit hole with nothing but funny pet videos. I started laughing and laughing and suddenly forgot my sorrows. I realized I felt oddly calm, like everything was going to be okay. I found myself wanting to share the funniest of the funny videos and memes with him. I knew in those moments that I was stronger than I had ever imagined and that I could actually still be his friend regardless of the path he chose.

So I unlocked and opened the doors, pulled back the curtains to let the sunshine back in.

Art by Thor Lindeneg

It is a relief to know that my journey has given me the tools to face the waves and learn to ride them like a skilled surfer. I may get a little water up my nose and salt water in my eyes, but I seem to be able to get up on my board faster now and find my balance once again. Before, I would spend days and weeks in my sorrow, like a surfer being dragged under by a current that is likely to kill them. This time my sorrow gripped me for only about a day. I have been surprised by my own strength, determination and perseverance to love and stay open no matter the obstacles I face along the way.

History won't repeat itself for me because I am making different choices and trying to keep my swords sheathed. My swords are more like a handy dandy sonic screwdriver or a James Bond-like pen that can turn into a deadly weapon. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but for me, my pen becomes my swords, my Wolverine claws that come out when a situation arises that threatens my safety and sense of security.

Art by Gus Fink

I know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay and so it is easier for me now to come to a place of internal peace and harmony and say to him, "I love you completely without condition. I won't abandon you no matter what you choose. If you need me, I promise to always be here for you, open and receptive. I desire you in my life and wish you would have chosen me as your life partner, but I will be okay... even if you choose to shut the door on me for her."

 XI Justice from The Star Tarot by Cathy McClelland 

A Gift from Darkness, My True Love

Art by Stephanie Pepper (aka Kippery)

On Halloween, I received the most wonderful gift from my love who has no body.

I watch tarot readings for entertainment. I have learned a lot through watching a variety of readers. Everyone has their own style and their own filters that influences the messages they see in the cards. There are the fluffy bunny readers who only want to deliver "happy joy joy" messages. Turn that frown upside down! They either don't read reversals or can turn every reversal into a positive...which isn't all bad, but it is skewed and not balanced.

Then you have the readers who are so stuck in fear and there's always some evil karmic in the way that has to be thwarted. Lol Hey, maybe there is a karmic partner in the way, but we are ALL someone's karmic. We are all also someone's divine masculine or feminine. Why do so many people want to turn them into enemies? If we are doing the spiritual work, you will be able to see them as an aspect of self and be able to see them in a balanced and compassionate light. Put yourself in in their place and then consider how you might feel if roles were reversed.

Then you get the ones who don't mind sticking it to the viewer and delivering doom and gloom and say, "That's just what I am getting. That's what I am picking up." And all that says to me is that is what you are picking up from inside of you. I see the same cards they pull and can see an entirely different message.

Image created by Bärbel aka __moonglow 

Recently a reader was seeing a new person coming into the picture for the divine feminine and the "twin flame" being given the boot. This was my comment on that reading:

"I wanted to mention a couple things...
All masculines are divine masculine, they simply may not be our divine masculine of choice. All "karmics" are also divine masculines and feminines. I think people forget this fact because of the twin flame label we attach to the journey.

In reality, the "Twin Flame" partner is the carrot dangled in front of us to get us to move and start doing the work of the journey back to self love and self discovery.

I fully believe that a soulmate can simultaneously be a "twin flame". The way I was seeing the cards is that when I first encountered my guy, he was a twin flame....aka a mirror to learn from. But through his transformation, this old version of him that was a lesson died off. He became the Phoenix and the old one burned away to give way to an entirely new person...the soulmate who no longer has baggage to work through. This new version of them they become we can have a more harmonious relationship with because most of their major lessons have been completed."

Fast forward to yesterday's reading by a new person I started watching. She was talking about this entity that was in the room making it dark. She even brought out a K2 EMF detector. I watched all four readings and was dubious about the spirit activity she was claiming to have during. But I went back and watched the video on the larger screen of the TV and...holy fucking shit!...there was a whole separate reading for the person willing to go back and meticulously comb through the entire one hour and thirty-three minute video and watch for when the meter lit up, taking note of what was being said at the time. I spent several hours doing just that and posting it as a comment on the video.

It was spectacular!!! There was so much activity that I completely missed during the first initial viewing.

I was stunned when the EMF detector went crazy when she was talking about the Phoenix card she pulled. I got all excited and started laughing. At 1:22:20 she says something about how hot it was in the room. Again, this made me smile because at the beginning of this journey, the spirit who came to me felt hot. When he touched me, I felt heat after. A lot of people report feeling cold when a spirit is near, but this is not the case with the beautiful being I came to know. The reader had wind chimes playing as background music and was further confirmation of who was lighting up that meter. Lately I have felt compelled to listen to wind chime videos for relaxation. I also once had an interesting dream:

September 18, 2017  I just dreamed about Brandon Lee and they showed me bags of coffee beans on stairs with his face on each step and there was something significant about wind chimes...like when they were heard, there was a significant meaning associated with him. It was a signal meaning he was near, I think. His sister was there in the dream and she confirmed something about him, that the one I was dealing with was the real deal.

My interpretation of this dream and the syncs is that this being has been with me every step of the way of my awakening journey...my journey back to me. The stairs were ascending. The coffee wakes you up and his face was showing he has been with me all along. I've never truly been alone and for that I am grateful.

The gift of his activity within that video made me so happy. It was so wonderful to get those beautiful messages from him.

"Memento Mori" by Wilhem Altzenbach (17th Century)

The thing is, I know he is dark energy. That is why the room felt so dark to the reader. He is the Prince of Darkness, so to speak. Most people fear him but I love him dearly.

Darkness is beautiful. It doesn't have to be evil and destructive, but it can be. Darkness can be the sorrow and grief we feel with loss. It is an expression. It is anger when we face injustices. It is night and shadows. It is the contrast that helps us transform.

Can you imagine a Stepford Wife like reality where everything was always sunshine and butterflies all the time? How boring would that be? How tedious it would be to never have any contrast, no sour with the sweet and no salt for enhancement.

The truth is, I often consider there is so much we don't understand. I know that I could easily be an incarnation of pure darkness. I have felt rage so big I know I could destroy planets like Darth Vader or the Dalek. I could easily own and take responsibility for past lives of people who did the most horrendous things because I know just how limited my understanding is of everything that is actually happening within this reality. There is so much we don't know while we are human.

Art by Stephanie Pepper (aka Kippery)

I have been darkness before I started this journey. I don't wish to annihilate it, I only wish to transform it so that part of me can make better choices. I love my Darkness and so I also love the outer darkness of that magnificent entity that people fear because I understand there is a place for darkness and how beautiful it can be. The journey led me back my lighter me...day and night, Persephone and Hades in union within me. I love both light and dark, not just one or the other.

So when a shadowy being visits my house, I say, "I am so happy you are here! Won't you join me for coffee or tea?"

It is the little things that get me through the day and the Halloween surprise was such a magical gift from the other side. I feel blessed and happy.