Henry's Crime

"André Masson's Mannequin" Photo By Man Ray (1890 - 1976)

I was thinking about you.

What's new?

I seem to always be thinking about you.

"What is new" is that I had what felt like an "aha" moment about you and why I always see a part of you in prison.

My thoughts wandered to the movie, Henry's Crime. I considered Henry's crime was that he would rather go to prison than take on the responsibility of becoming a parent. He would rather go to prison for a crime he didn't commit than communicate openly and honestly with his partner at that time. Later, we see Henry become remarkably honest with a different partner once his self imposed prison experience transforms him.

Hans Bellmer, Untitled, from La Poupée (The Doll), 1936

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

We all break sometimes. "They" once told me that "the mirror is broken in two places".

Henry's Crime is quite symbolic and filled with clues. Everything we choose can hold a hidden message about us.  For you, the roles you choose to perform are clues to discovering inner truths about you. I think part of you identifies subconsciously with a specific character you take on and can imagine yourself in that role, therefore, you agree to it.

We often become prisoners of our own thoughts and beliefs.

I suddenly realized that the thought/belief that holds you prisoner is you think you manifested the deaths of your daughter, Ava, and your former partner. Like Henry, you didn't think you were ready to be a parent. Kids scare you because you had lost touch with your own inner child and didn't know how to relate to those tiny humans who need us so much. Your own father abandoned you and you feared maybe you would do the same. Maybe it is in the genes, right? And so you secretly wished this wasn't happening and then your careless wish came true with your baby dying in the womb.

Be careful of what you wish for.

And then the grief you both felt from the loss ended your relationship with your partner.

Did you feel relief or were you resentful? She was a constant reminder of what you lost and the guilt you now felt because you had repeatedly wished she hadn't gotten pregnant, so having her close and seeing her grief was something you didn't really want to face. Maybe you pushed her away. Maybe she turned to self medication...drugs, alcohol, etc. Maybe when you finally split, you were happy you could "lay her to rest". You hoped distancing yourself from her would help distance you from the guilt you now felt.

Except you ended up laying her to rest literally and you started to feel like you made this happen with your thoughts. The guilt still eats you alive, although it's buried deeper now and not as easy to detect.

Claude Cahun, Heart of Spade, 1936 

You are Death personified.

At least that is what you now believe.

Maybe you are....and maybe you aren't.

I can tell you from experience, that when something isn't for your highest good, "they" won't let it happen no matter how much we try to manifest something with our thoughts. I have tried to manifest my own death through my thoughts for years and "they" won't let me leave yet. They tell me I still have work to do that will help this reality. I don't want the responsibility and yet here we are anyway with me trying to assist others through telling my story and trying to assist you because "they" want me to... because we are connected on a deep soul level and I see from within you.

You may have wished what you did and thought what you thought, but you were allowed to have that experience to heal your deepest past life wounds that still need to be looked at and healed today.

Man Ray, Meret Oppenheim at the Printing Wheel, 1933

You and I are playing the game "Operation" where I am the doctor and you are both the patient and doctor who I get to extract things from. I'm a mad scientist (we're all mad here) kind of doctor and I don't stop trying to dig out what ails you. That buzzer sound is the sound of your trigger alarms going off, telling you to sit up and look closer at that spot because there is something that needs to be healed.

I could be wrong about all of this, but I have a feeling I'm not, which is why I ended up writing a whole blog post instead of the short Instagram post it was originally meant to be.

I love you deeply and support your growth, expansion and healing.

The partner you have chosen to be with now may have raised you back in that past life so long ago, but I never gave you up willingly. You were taken from me and I never got over the loss of you. I now understand that the son "they" keep telling me will be born to me is actually you...your true inner you...the one Mary never knew.

I won't abandon you...ever.