Darkness Vs Light

I am a latecomer to TikTok. I have had an account for a long time, though. I opened it so that my daughter could have fun recording videos with her friends. I just saw it as a place for young people lip syncing and dancing. 

Fast forward to when my daughter was finally old enough to open her own account, I was left with the plethora of videos she had put up with her friends. I never really had any intentions of using it. 

My daughter kept sending me TikTok videos to watch and I would try to swipe "back" to get out of TikTok, only it wouldn't take me out of TikTok. It would simply take me to another video. Sometimes, after making this error, I would actually watch the next video and then the next and the next. Before I knew it a whole hour would slip by. I called it the TikTok vortex because it sucks you in and you lose time. Lol

Eventually, I started going to TikTok to watch videos on my own. I decided it might be a good idea to archive all of my daughter's videos and actually make it my own if I was going to engage with some of the videos I was watching. I haven't gotten very far with posting my own material. I'm not much of a "content creator" because I have no desire to be on camera. I feel more comfortable expressing myself in written form, but I do believe that leaving our comfort zone helps us expand. 

What I am going to talk about in this blog post was supposed to be in video form, but I just couldn't make myself do it. I kept dragging my feet. Unlike most TikTok people, I don't want to go viral. I don't want thousands of people coming at me with their thoughts on my, sometimes, controversial theories and beliefs. When I express myself here, I'm mostly invisible. Very few people read me and almost no one comments. It feels like a safe and insulated space even though it is completely public for anyone to read.

My "For You" page on TikTok often shows me videos from other spiritual people and people who identify as "witches". I think pretty much most of them regurgitate the belief that we should always be sure to call on "the light" and only the light. We need to create protection against "dark energy".

Sure, call upon those who are for your highest good, but what makes you think that "dark energy" is inherently bad? 

I believe calling upon ONLY light forces is imbalance.

These same people who fear "dark energy" also decry the patriarchy without realizing that only calling upon "the light" is supporting imbalance and the patriarchy model.

"How can that be?" you might wonder. 

Light in yin and yang is the masculine. Dark is the feminine. So by fearing the dark and believing it is inherently evil and bad, you fall into the same belief system as every religion that demonizes women. 

Here's a news flash:

Light can and does possess negative qualities when it isn't operating at its highest form. Think toxic positivity.

Light can seem "evil" and "bad" but we only ever bash the "dark" and never give it credit for having just as much value and ability to be high vibrational, so to speak.

Maybe those "dark energies" are just angry about being overlooked as having value, being feared, and completely banished. Isn't it interesting how we do the same to women and people of color? Black vs White...female vs male...dark vs light. 

It shouldn't be "either/or" if we want BALANCE and UNITY.

I published this piece February 25, 2018 on Facebook and it feels relevant to this discussion:

So you know that parable about the two wolves and "which one do we feed?" schtick? 

It is total bullshit and leading you away from the solution you need.

If you only feed one wolf, what do you suppose would happen?

Firstly, my conscience being in good working order could never feed one animal and not another. It is simply cruel no matter how violent the animal appears to be. I wish no one to suffer and starvation leads to suffering 

Secondly, starvation automatically sends one wolf into a more aggressive state because the hunger drives them to take whatever means necessary to feed their hunger as a means of survival.

The ONLY way to tame both wolves is to love them equally and not choose one or the other. The only way to come into balance is to recognize and understand the equal value that both have in making up who you are inside. 

Starving one wolf is not a solution and battling light against dark will never do. We have to love them both and show both sides the same degree of respect, love, and compassion.

As I just said to a friend in a comment about "winning"...

"The only way of winning is going within and understanding that there are never really any sides to take when we are in balance. There is no side to take when you understand you are both light and dark always."

When I write incantations, I start the incantations with, "I call upon Divine Darkness, I call upon Divine Light, I ask you to join together, to put the wrongs, right"

Divine Darkness IS the feminine! Why would we only ever call upon the masculine by calling only the Divine Light to the party?

Dark isn't evil... it's just the opposite of light. Night doesn't need to be feared. Traditionally, rest comes in the arms of the night. The seed that is planted needs the dark soil to germinate AND the light to meet it's full potential. The plant doesn't uproot because it fears the darkness of the soil. The plant knows it needs both parts of itself that embraces both light and dark because both light and dark feeds it and makes it whole. 

I am both dark and light, masculine and feminine.

I am whole and united within self.

Loving the Tortoise Within

The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.

55

Today is my 55th birthday.

5 is number of change. Repeating numbers amplify.

This will be my year of major change. 

Doors will close. Chapters will end.

I will open new doors and start new chapters.