Loving the Tortoise Within

The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.