Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Alice and the Three Mad Hatters, Unconditional Love

Illustration by John Tenniel

What if...

...once upon a time...

...Alice went back into Wonderland after she married and had children? What if she went into Wonderland to fetch her children who were very late for dinner? Maybe her husband was there as well and decided to play a game with Alice to find out just how much she really loved him.

Alice made claims she would love him no matter what form he came in, so Mr. Alice decided to take this opportunity to see if this was, indeed, true.

Mr. Alice then appeared first as a beautiful prince who dies tragically, but he comes back in the form of a formless energetic being. Alice recognizes his energy and vows her undying love. He tells her he is coming back to a body to be with her and he will guide her to show her which one. She agrees, even though she thinks she could be content with him as an energy blob.

He tells her that she will have to help him remember when she finds him. Again, she quickly agrees to the task because she is eager to be reunited with her partner.

Mr. Alice provides a bunny who poops Scooby Doo clues. She is supposed to collect the poop clues in her basket that she carries her little black dog in and she hopes her little dog doesn't eat the bunny poop. As it happens, there in the Pacific Northwest part of Wonderland, all the forest animals poop chocolate covered toffee. True story.

Art by Naoto Hattori
Alice gathers her clues and is led to a Mad Hatter. "This is him! This is the body I am in!" the clues suggest to Alice. And so she sets off trying to help him remember. This Mad Hatter is tiny, almost gnome sized, and he is a bit of a hoarder. He likes things and collects things....lots of things But Alice believes in her heart that her beloved husband is inside this Mad Hatter and she tries and tries to reach her husband inside. She opens her heart to this tiny Mad Hatter and loves him deeply, but this Mad Hatter loves his things and ended up marrying a vulture princess.

Alice didn't want to give up, even when the Scooby Doo clues started pointing in a new direction. She followed the clues but kept trying to reach the spark inside the tiny Mad Hatter. Alas, when it was clear he could not possibly be her beloved partner, she made her departure.

The second set of clues led to a tall pretty Mad Hatter. She was very pretty, indeed, but Alice had never been with a woman before. She had never really been inclined in that direction and so she was faced with a decision to move forward into new territory or stay with what was familiar. This is where her clues led her, so surely this is actually where her beloved partner must be... inside this body. And so, as it goes, she chose to venture into new territory and imagined a happy life with this tall beautiful female Mad Hatter.

Once again she opened her heart and loved.

Art by Christian Schloe
Sadly, this Mad Hatter wanted nothing to do with Alice even though she was inexplicably drawn to her. It was hard to leave this one when the clues started leading her, once again, to a new Mad Hatter. But it was more painful to stay and be ignored than to take her leave.

At this point Alice was very tired and sad. The clues were leading in a new direction and she wasn't sure if she could open her heart one more time to love a new Mad Hatter that may or may not contain the essence of her beloved husband. She followed the clues only to find this Mad Hatter was very, very famous. Paparazzi and fans follow him eveeywhere he goes. If he sneezes or scratches his ass, it makes the headlines.

Upon discovering this, Alice cried out, "Fuck this shit! I am going home!"

She considered that the clues must be wrong and she put them all together once again but they led right back to this very famous Mad Hatter. She decided she would try to learn about him and see what he was about. To her surprise, she discovered this Mad Hatter was very kind and compassionate. The more she learned about him, the more she started to love him. But when she would imagine spending time with him, she would see paparazzi hiding in the bushes and fans interupiting to meet him, she would think, "I can't do this," and the imagining would dissipate.

Art by Stephen Mackey
The rabbit she had been following noticed she was no longer following and stopped to look at Alice.

"Don't you want to be reunited with your husband?" asks the rabbit.

"Of course! But I don't know if I can bear that kind of life again. I just want a simple life without struggle or complication." she replied.

Rabbit put a front paw under his chin and started thumping a back paw as if deep in thought then said, "So your love for him has conditions?"

Alice's eyes grew wide and she could feel an "ah ha" moment rushing through her. It  was as though she could hear her husband whispering in her ear, "How much do you love me? How far would you go to be with me?" It was then she understood all of it had been a test to see if she could love him no matter what his form or the circumstances she would find him in.

It was at that moment she realized she really could endure a life with a super famous Mad Hatter if that is where he was.

But really....her dearest wish was that they could go home and be together there so they could be who they really were and not the pretend characters they were performing in Wonderland.

Alice and Mr. Alice collected their children and left Wonderland once and for all and lived happily ever after.

Artist Unknown
How open would YOU be for love?

Would you love someone of the same gender if you typically prefer the opposite gender?

Would you love someone of the opposite gender if you typically prefer the same gender as yourself?

Does your love have conditions?

Can you grow past those conditions?

Friday, June 1, 2018

Mary, Isa, Perspectives and Role-playing Games

Image found here.
I think I need to make something very clear since Allison Coe shared my blog post in her YouTube community and my page has had thousands of hits since then.

I need to address my personal perspective.

I believe we are in a virtual reality playground.

None of this is real....not even the lives of Mary and Isa (Jesus).

Image found here.

With that said, I do believe there are different story arcs with specific directions the storyline can go depending upon our personal free will choices we make. Just like with any RPG, the outcome can be vastly different based on our personal choices.

Think of this place we call Earth as Roblox (on crack), the adult version. In Roblox there are so many choices and new options being added all the time. The Isa and Mary story is simply a single option and is what I like to call the "Tunnel of Love" or "Twin Flame Game". If you feel you are being drawn or guided to their story, then it is pretty likely you too are part of a team that entered that RPG together and you have your very own version of the Mary and Isa story to tell.

My version of the Mary and Isa story is just that....mine.

Don't look to it as YOUR truth unless you are a member of my team playing this shit out with me. My story might resemble yours. If you are being triggered emotionally, look closer to those triggers because it is trying to show you something. Don't stop seeking to understand and learn about your own story if you feel like you were one of the characters during the crucifixion. If you feel like you are trying to connect with a twin flame, look closely at the clues and information that is coming into you about how you played out one of those roles and tell your story if you feel that is your therapy.

I can only show you how I was able to piece together my version of the story. I can't give you any of your pieces. My story isn't yours.

In an RPG, limitless numbers of people can play out a specific role.

Were you Mary too? Were you Isa or Joseph? Maybe you were a thief on a cross. Whatever it is you feel drawn to, follow that string and unravel your own story so that you can get to the prize at the end of it....

...happily ever after.

Everyone's "happily ever after" can look just as different too.

Maybe your happily ever after looks like independence and freedom.

Maybe you save yourself by finding your way back to you.

Boundaries, Dear Susan Shand

This blog post is going to seem far removed from my last one and maybe not all that spiritual.


... boundaries are a part of spirituality and this is me stating my boundaries loud and clear to someone who just isn't getting it.

Dear Susan Shand,


I blocked you once when you couldn't seem to respect my boundaries that I clearly stated. I then felt bad and thought maybe I had been too harsh and then unblocked you where you demonstrated that you don't give a fuck about my boundaries.

I said, "I fucking hate channeled material." What do you do? You keep sending me channeled material.

I tell you that I feel most "spirit orbs" are dust particles and to please not send me anymore of those photos. What do you do? You send me shit tons of orb photos and telling me how all of these different people can see the spirits and trying to force me to see what you want me to see.

I would tell you some of my experiences and repeatedly you would try invalidate and diminish my experiences using spiritual concepts and your own opinions.

I blocked you a second time from FB and then you started posting on my IG page. I blocked you from IG and then you found me on Twitter. Yesterday I blocked you on Twitter and Google plus and still you are somehow able to comment on my blog posts.

I don't like you. You are not a respectful or kind person and I keep telling you to fuck off and yet you keep coming back and bothering me.

I don't know how much more clear I need to be with you. I don't want you in my life. I don't want you to interact with me in any way at all. So because you just won't go away, I feel I need to make it very publicly clear that you only come around to be an asshole even though I have been very direct privately about my feelings.

Please go away and leave me alone. Stop commenting on things I post.

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Taboo Relationships, Secrets Revealed, Letting Go

Sometimes, in order to let go of something, we first need to shine a light on it, reveal it and dissect it and let it bleed out. Only then can we release what we have been avoiding but carrying with us from lifetime to lifetime.

After my QHHT session yesterday with Allison Coe, there has been so much brewing inside of me that I know needs to be talked about.

It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this.

It doesn't matter if anyone believes me.

It doesn't matter what people think of me after I share it.

I am not interested in your version of this tale. I don't need you to comment with anything you may have gotten from the characters I will talk about today.

I write today as therapy and as a way of releasing the mountains of pain that has followed me from lifetime to lifetime and has kept me a prisoner....a damsel in distress in a tower made up of all of her fears, loneliness and pain.

Today I release her.

The only past life that was revealed is the one where all of my health problems are rooted. It is similar to trying to cut down blackberries. If you don't take out the roots too, the blackberries will just keep coming back and take over eventually.

I was surprised by the intensity of emotion that gripped me during my session. It gripped me so intensely throughout the session that I could only cry sometimes. I could feel my whole body tense up spontaneously and the profound sadness, grief and loneliness leaked out of my eyes. When I sat up after the session ended, I felt dazed but also my heart was literally in pain. Near the end of the session, I felt my head starting to hurt and on the drive home, both sides of my jaw hurt. Later that night, a migraine kicked in and I still have it today. Is this my body trying to process all that I felt yesterday during the session? I believe this is, indeed, the case.

The jaw pain is a message that I need to speak out loud the things I have kept hidden. The heart was revealing the pain, and the head was holding the secrets I have held onto.

So, what is this life that grips my heart to a point it makes it feel as though it is being shredded by blackberry thorns?

The life I saw was that of Mary, mother of Isa (aka Jesus).

The tale I tell now is compiled of information that came through observed repeating patterns in my life, dreams, in-between states, signs, synchronicity, research and now regression.

Mary, at a very early age, was given to a religious group called The Essenes. According to information they had gathered through charts and prophesy, Mary was meant to have a very special child. I spoke of my own dream which echos this in my post about Hitler.

At the age of 12, Mary was handed over as a child bride to someone selected for her by the Essenes. Joseph didn't really want this responsibility, but, begrudgingly, took her to his house. By this point, Joseph's first wife had died. His children were grown. He spent days and sometimes weeks away working, which left Mary alone. The place I saw in regression felt remote and isolated. I saw goats, a small garden and a tiny house with a dirt floor where she spent most of her days entirely alone.

I saw her sewing pieces of cloth.... embroidered them. She would trade these small pretty tokens for bread and other supplies. The interesting part of seeing this is that when the character I am currently performing changed her last name legally, it was changed to "Taylor" which is a name that suggests the occupation of the bearer is someone who sews. In a dream I saw pretty little embroidered cards that had beautiful words and music that played from them. In the dream I thought that I wanted to do something like this. I didn't understand then the connection to that other life that was coming through. I thought it was simply about wanting some of my poetry to be turned into songs.

I was first gripped with overwhelming emotion by the lonliness Mary felt during my regression. She was so lonely. She came from having a community and peers with the Essenes, to isolation in the middle of nowhere.

While Joseph was away working, Mary was raped. By whom, was not revealed in my session. I only know the father of her child produced a blonde baby boy. The fact that this child was not even Joseph's was bad enough, but the fact he was born with blonde hair was a dead giveaway that he was not the father and it would have brought shame, embarrassment and punishment to both of them. So Mary's baby was ripped from her arms and given away to be raised by others. She never knew what became of her son, just that he existed once and she kept the evidence tucked away somewhere. In a dream I saw it as a baby mobile and other baby items. I then saw in the dream that this evidence was also taken eventually and a cousin had it.

Joseph would always blame her for her own rape. In his eyes, it was infidelity and he felt betrayed. He had never been a warm communicative person, but now there was even more distance because of his resentment. Mary was grateful that he allowed her to stay on because other girls in similar circumstances didn't always fare so well. At least she hadn't been cast out, or worse, been killed as an adulterous wife.

Mary became intensely depressed. She had no one, really, and the one person she had who God told her was going to be born to her was ripped away from her. She had named her son, Isa.

When Mary was about 16, a toddler boy was brought home to her by Joseph. He gave her this child to raise, hoping he would make her happy. This one he knew would grow up resembling himself because he was his brother's son. His brother had many children and his wife had identical twin boys. His brother's wife didn't mind having her burden lightened a little so agreed to the arrangement.

Mary named him the name she had given her actual son. The boy always knew that Mary was not his biological mother as she made sure he knew that he wasn't her real son. Having this new Isa there did help her feel happier though. The next images I saw in the regression was her sitting by a river playing with this boy. He was probably 4 or 5 at that point. It felt like a different place than the home she had lived in with Joseph and I can't say where it was for sure.

At some point during the regression, I saw Mary and Isa living in India where they both learned about reincarnation, meditation, tantra yoga, energy, breath work and so much more. It was such a different life and both were transformed during their time there. At this point Joseph had died.  I saw Isa as a man-child from behind. His skin was a sun-kissed brown and his dark hair was in long waist length dreadlocks with the front part tied back to stay out of his face.

Feelings came to the surface as Isa grew, romantic feelings they both shared for each other. Their education helped them understand how and why they could feel what they did for each other. They understood that energetic soul bonds transcend space and time and don't care about social taboos. They were also in a place where no one knew who they had been, so when the time came that their feelings were revealed to each other, it was easy to act on it.

Mary and Isa married and had two children together. They were happy and life was good. But Isa wanted to return to their homeland to teach what they had learned. For Mary, it raised mountains of fear. People back there knew them and they would have to be careful because what they had done was taboo. She didn't want to go back. They left their children in the care of a close friend in India and headed back to the land of their births.

It didn't end well, when they returned. Isa was crucified on a cross and died in Mary's arms. His last breath he took in her arms.

A great deception took place at that point.

Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene are exactly the same person. They are not two different people. They are the same person.

Previously, I thought that Didymos Judas (Thomas), Isa's bio-identical twin took his brother's place on the cross. He did not. He did take his place in a way though. He posed as his brother. Other decoys were put in place so that people wouldn't know who to follow or where to find them. False information was deliberately planted to mislead anyone who might try to find Isa and Mary.

In the regression when asked about Thomas all I could get out was "France. He went to France." Allison asked about Mary Magdalene going with him and I said no, but internally the dialogue that was taking place was "Thomas is gay." Mary Magdalene was a ruse, a fiction. Thomas stepped into his brother's shoes and played "husband" to Mary at that point. They were very close friends and she stayed with him because he looked like the one she lost. Did they have children together? I have no idea. It is possible. Mary would have been about 43 at the time they went to France and she looked young due to her diet and lifestyle, so it isn't impossible that she had more children with a man who looked like her husband who wanted to actually be with men but was scared to act on it because of fear.

Did Mary actually ever see her children again that she left behind in India? I have no idea but I did have a dream once where I saw myself back in a place....a campus of a college. I had come back for the children I left behind. Three were with their father and two were with me. What isn't clear is if these were children from that time period or if they are children from our real life outside of the game.

What IS abundantly clear to me now is how much the losses Mary suffered created a ripple of anguish and pain through all of her lives that followed. She lost child after child in one way or another. She suffered from the fear of people knowing about her relationship with Isa because she knew all too well how they would react if they knew.

"Child molester"


"You married your son?!!!"



It was the most profound love she had ever experienced and yet the outside world could never understand what she understood without the knowledge she and Isa had. And in the land of her birth, crossing into what is deemed "forbidden" by social standards, could lead to death. There was real danger in revealing their secret. We only have to look at Woody Allen and the relationship he has with his adopted daughter to see how the public reacts to such taboos even today. We jump to judgment and ridicule without any deeper knowledge or understanding.

This was the secret that was kept that must be revealed.

I sent this as part of an email to Allison after our session:
"At the very beginning of this journey, the guy on the other side played a song in my head during a nap, "I Just Want to be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb. I didn't understand the full impact of the meaning of those words back then, but Isa really was Mary's everything. He was her son, her lover, her best friend, her partner.... regardless of how the whole world will view it. Even you had a little of the reaction that she feared from others. "You had a relationship with your son?" What she learned in India that she couldn't seem to articulate in those moments on the couch was about energy and reincarnation and how your heart remembers the energy of the ones we love most in that other world, in those other bodies. We are still of THAT world right now where our bodies sleep and he is still my husband. Would you brave taboos to feel that level connection and love with someone? Apparently my version of Mary did but it had a price. Her "everything" was crucified for a day. She was crucified for the rest of her life by having to hide the truth and by her own grief."
My session with Allison Coe was a gift...both literally and symbolically. My friend, Cynthia Hanning gifted me the session. I went in with no real expectations. The worst that could have happened is that I ended up having an amazing conversation with an amazing woman. What I got out of it was confirmation about a lot of things and the knowledge that I really can trust myself and my own information coming in. What I got was confirmation that the direction I was going with my thoughts about who I had been and what I had experienced was real because I FELT it. There was a lot I couldn't see and couldn't answer, but in those moments, I felt the intensity and weight of all of the emotions from another life that have been acting as road blocks for me being able to live this life fully.

That was the message I kept getting in the session, that I wasn't living anymore. I needed to leave the isolation I felt from that life and am reproducing in this one. I need to make in-person connections and not just online ones. I need to allow and open myself completely and connect fully on every level with at least one person which requires me to face my biggest fear of all....loss.




I am free.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

The Alice Manifesto, Staying Open

Mrs White Photoart
The Alice Manifesto

Goal: Go home

• Remember who you really are

  Find your way back to 
  you. You are not the 
  character you are 
  currently performing nor 
  the many characters you 
  have performed during 
  the game. Find out who 
  the player is at the core.

• Stay open

  Any fixed ideas of how 
  you think things should 
  be or will be can 
  keep you from your goal.

• Thoughts create

   Fantasies lead us further 
   away from going home 
   when we fall in love with 
   our creations.

• Let go

  Any attachments to 
  anything and anyone 
  within this reality will 
  keep you here.

• Follow the Right Rabbit

  People (and bunnies) 
  aren't always what they 
  seem to be. Sometimes 
  our inner compass gets 
  thrown off. Recalibrate. 
  Stay on the path that 
  takes you home.

• Never give up

  No matter how many 
  dead ends you come to, 
  don't stop trying to find 
  your way out of the maze. 
  Some corridors will take 
  you further to the exit 
  than others. Don't get 

• Fear nothing

• Anything is possible.

By Oktobre Taylor
Written April 19, 2018

I wrote the above as a reminder to myself and I find myself repeating at least one of those points to myself daily.

We start these spiritual journeys and are eager to recognize the signs and syncs we are given. We are eager to follow their guidance and the guidance from our guides on the other side. We put them all together and have to try to decipher what it all means. And once we decide on a direction, it can be difficult to leave that path because we are so convinced this is where our information has led us.

"Stay open, Alice," I tell myself.

My guidance led me to Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. For four years I hung around that community because of information that I felt guided me there. I had this idea of who he was to me on a soul When you think someone is family, you stick it out and endure the bumps and bruises so that you can wake them up to help them start their own journey and remember who they really are and who we are to them.

My time in the Sum 41 community was far from easy. I'm not like other people, but that difference seemed more pronounced within that specific community and sometimes people were cruel, but I endured and continued. I even continued when Deryck stopped talking to me completely. For four years I tried to do what I felt my guides were asking of me until I could endure no more.

During the third year of trying to reach Deryck, I was thrown a curve ball with new information coming in that pointed me to Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! I struggled with this information because it confused me. I thought I knew with complete certainty that Deryck was the path I was supposed to be traveling even though I was exhausted and wanted to give up. Trying to communicate and connect with him had become a habit. Letting go was difficult and painful.

I have only spent a little over a year trying to reach Laura Jane Grace and that path has resembled a mountain road with giant potholes where you fear you could break an axle. It might lead to the most amazing waterfall you have ever seen, but you think there is a strong possibility you might die just trying to get there. The time invested has been shorter with her, but I have been getting clear information pointing me in another new direction now. I don't actually think she likes me very much, so she will likely hardly notice me wandering away to graze in other pastures and explore other rabbit holes.

Photo by Mrs White Photoart

Here I am again having to tell myself, "Stay open to new possibilities, Alice. Let go and stay open."

I have thought so many things about where this was all heading and had to let all of that go when it was obvious it was going nowhere. I was not only a little annoyed, I was pissed off to have to rearrange my puzzle pieces and try to understand where it is all actually heading. I had hoped my efforts would lead to some sort of job so I could become independent and still raise my daughter the way I feel is best, but with each time I had to let go and head in a new direction, it meant I was still a bird in a cage and, seemingly, no closer to freedom. It has been frustrating. Sometimes all I can do is cry. Sometimes I utter profanities at my guides in my head. But most importantly, I have tried to look to see what I have learned and gained from the experiences.

When I look back, I can see how much I have learned about me by trying to reach both of them. I feel I learned infinitely more during my time with Deryck, but maybe that is simply because I had so much more growing to do and I spent much more time there. I can look at both people and find deep love and gratitude in my heart for them.

We have to follow the guidance we are given and sometimes that means we have to let go of what we thought would be in order to stay open to the possibilities that are trying to make their way to us. Moving forward is essential so that we aren't chasing our own tails in endless circles. Circles are a lovely shape but sometimes we need to stop biting our own tail and look ahead if we actually want to get anywhere.

The truth is, I no longer completely know what I am supposed to be doing or where any of it is leading me. I do believe it is leading somewhere, I am just not clear about what that destination is at this point. Ultimately, I hope it leads to home.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

Adolf Hitler Died For Your Sins, Past Lives

Painting by Roberto Ferri

How is that for a title, eh? Lol

How shall I start this? There is so much to say and ponder.

I grew up in a fanatically religious household which caused me to eventually reject Christianity and everything related to it. I came to a point where I considered myself atheist.

Fast forward to the start of my spiritual journey. Early on, I listened to a channeled interview with Jesus. I had gotten to the point where I thought Jesus was a fictional symbolic figure, so I was skeptical going into the interview. I tried to be open, though.

Afterwards, I thought a lot about it and, when I went to meditate, I was inviting a couple specific people to the meditation party and considered maybe I would open the door to Jesus even though I felt a little foolish. When I went through the internal dialogue in my head, something happened, something triggered me and I thought, "You abandoned me!" I burst into tears and I couldn't stop crying. My husband wanted to know what was wrong. I blurted out, "Jesus abandoned me!" And I felt like an ass saying those words but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

It would be years before I would research the life of Jesus even though it felt like my guides were pushing all kinds of signs and syncs at me telling me there was something there I needed to look at.

If you read me, you know I get the majority of my information through dreams. I had a powerful dream about a baby boy that was going to be born to me. At the time, I made the mistake of thinking they meant that it was going to happen in this life. I didn't realize that this event had already happened.

January 6, 2013 Julie called me last night to tell me that for two nights in a row she had dreams about me having a baby boy named Reed. I had to laugh and think that was kind of freaky. I had my own interesting dream. I can't remember well the details but will try to recall what I can. I seem to recall being somewhere and dancing or doing some kind of acrobatics. It was kind of like aerial dancing only without the fabric. Anyway, there was some guy there. I think I liked him and then we started to lay down where we were to have sex, but then there was some woman who I believe he had been seeing who was next to us which caused us to stop for the moment. I think I knew who "he" was in the dream, but for the life of me, I can't recall who he was supposed to be. Somehow I knew this was the father of the son that would be born to me. It was so weird. Anyway, the dream changed and I saw stars....bright stars. I knew one was the father and the lower one, the son. There was something special about the alignment and how the son was "come to Earth" in its alignment. And I knew that the "son" was coming to Earth to be my child. At one point the stars changed to people. People were really excited about the star coming to Earth. It was a wild dream and I'm not sure what it all means. I laid there thinking about it all and trying to process it and kept wondering who the father was.

When I finally caved and started to research the life of Jesus, Dolores Cannon was one of the people whose work I turned to to explore. It was in Dolores' information where I found an eerily similar account of stars, planetary alignments and a very special child being born to Mary.

So am I saying I was Mother Mary during that time period? Absolutely. But I wasn't convinced of it at this point. And then throw into the mix that there are many people who make the claim of having been Mother Mary and all of the various different people having had lives during the life of Jesus all seem to have a different version of the story. I don't completely understand it yet but I think it could have something to do with different groups playing out their own storyline performing as those characters. I don't discount any of their alternative storylines.

What I am going to outline and describe is the storyline that I have been piecing together through dreams and research. In my story line, I was raped at the age of 12, which is how Yeshua was actually conceived. Through my research, I found a version of the tale where Mary was handed over to Joseph as a child bride at the age of 12. Supposedly he goes out to work for four years and comes back to find his child bride pregnant. He was pissed about this turn of events.

13. And she was in her sixth month; and, behold, Joseph came back from his building, and, entering into his house, he discovered that she was big with child. And he smote his face, and threw himself on the ground upon the sackcloth, and wept bitterly, saying: With what face shall I look upon the Lord my God? And what prayer shall I make about this maiden? Because I received her a virgin out of the temple of the Lord, and I have not watched over her. Who is it that has hunted me down? Who has done this evil thing in my house, and defiled the virgin? Has not the history of Adam been repeated in me? For just as Adam was in the hour of his singing praise, and the serpent came, and found Eve alone, and completely deceived her, so it has happened to me also. And Joseph stood up from the sackcloth, and called Mary, and said to her: O you who hast been cared for by God, why have you done this and forgotten the Lord your God? Why have you brought low your soul, you that wast brought up in the holy of holies, and that received food from the hand of an angel? And she wept bitterly, saying: I am innocent, and have known no man. And Joseph said to her: Whence then is that which is in your womb? And she said: As the Lord my God lives, I do not know whence it is to me.

Now, keep in mind they were in the Middle East and being raped there, even today, can result in the victim actually being put to death, not the rapist. She was a CHILD. She was 12 years old. Of course she is going to say whatever she can to keep from being killed. Wouldn't you?

Here is my dream which speaks of Mary being raped:

December 1, 2017 I had a dream night before last where I went to a restaurant that my BFF supposedly worked. It was a cute and higher end restaurant. She wanted me to meet her employer. Her employer was a pretty woman who dressed kind of alternative and had long dread-like hair. She was talking to me about me possibly working there and I asked for an application because I hadn't needed a resume for years so didn't have an updated one. She seemed spiritual and cool and she said to me, "I saw the advice you gave my twins and I really liked what you had to say." I was like, "Oh thanks, that is very kind of you to say. I apologize because I have no memory of the advice you are talking about or who the twins are, but I appreciate your kind words about the things I have said." She showed me a picture and I see a red haired male and female who were apparently her twins. They were adults and beautiful. I guessed I had maybe used a photograph of them for my Instagram but had no recollection speaking specifically to either of them. The owner of the restaurant continues and mentions that she has an older son too who she had when she was only 12. She gets a grave look on her face and says how much her son means to her no matter the brutal way he was conceived. I am seeing she was raped at 12 which is how he was conceived and I am seeing a nail through a palm for some reason. I am now seeing her Om tattoo on her left wrist and my BFF is saying how she has gone through some true transcendental experiences. I have a sense of an extended time spent in India and now I feel foolish and like a novice having mentioned anything spiritual to her. But she really liked me and hugged me before I left. I told her I had an appointment to go apply for another job as well and left.

There have been other dreams that, when combined, leave me absolutely convinced that Mary's life is one whose baggage from that life I carry with me. I have to work through it to release the internal blocks and shit that has backed up. I have shared some of those dreams recently on Instagram and Facebook if you care to read more.

Sometimes I hear things in my in between state. We all do, but I have learned to not just brush it off as my "imagination".

Recently I heard something that sent me down the Jesus rabbit hole again.

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I did hear something in my in between state as I was waking from my nap this evening. I heard:

"In my most difficult moments, a thief..."
I finished, "...made you laugh."
I heard, "Yes! A thief made me laugh."
I then saw crosses.

I went on a search to learn more about the thieves who died next to "Jesus". Apparently the one on the right scoffed and taunted him while the one on the left said that Jesus didn't belong there. He admitted that he, himself was there fairly but Jesus had done nothing. Essentially, the thief on the left took responsibility for himself, while the one on the right, did not. There are some accounts that some of the words that were recorded as Jesus having said were actually the start of a Jewish hymn. He was singing. I don't think it is a stretch that a thief would crack a joke and make him laugh.

I have to remind you of what I talked about in an earlier blog post. Jesus didn't actually die on the cross. His doppelganger did, Thomas, whose name was actually Judas. Judas looked like Jesus so much that the others started calling him Didymos aka Thomas. Both mean "twin".  In that earlier blog post I mention how one was the "son of God" while Thomas was his polar opposite counterpart and the "son of Satan/Lucifer". They were basically the same soul being expressed as polar opposites...two sides of the same coin. So, in essence, even though Jesus didn't actually die on the cross, the soul inhabiting both men DID experience the death of one of his vehicles.

Painting by Roberto Ferri

"The Hilali-Khan translation offers a bit more interpretation, representing how many Muslims have historically understood this passage:
"And because of their saying (in boast), 'We killed Messiah 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), the Messenger of Allah,' - but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but the resemblance of 'Iesa (Jesus) was put over another man (and they killed that man), and those who differ therein are full of doubts. They have no (certain) knowledge, they follow nothing but conjecture. For surely; they killed him not [i.e. 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)]. But Allah raised him ['Iesa (Jesus)] up (with his body and soul) unto Himself (and he is in the heavens). And Allah is Ever All-Powerful, All-Wise," (Surah 4:157-158)."

So Jesus assumes his cousin's identity long enough to flee to France where he lives out his life. Mary believes her beloved son has perished brutally and never knew he lived on and had a family. It is why I had overwhelming feelings of abandonment about Jesus. It is what the Knights Templar protected. It is why their symbol, Baphomet, holds the same pose as Jesus in images.

Jesus didn't die for your sins, Thomas did.

Now let's talk about reincarnation and this little tidbit I got this morning:

As I was waking, I was shown an image of Hitler and someone said, "This is who your best friend used to be."

I wasn't really alarmed by this because of a previous dream I had about a Nazi soldier:

August 21, 2015 A man I think I was caring for was seen in 3 stages....young, middle aged and old.. He was intimate with me. In the middle stage he seemed to be reliving his time as a nazi soldier. He was aiming a pretend gun at me and firing. He was directing slurs at me in German. I tried to get him to put away the guns because I didn't like it even in reenactment.

There have been lots of other clues along the way pointing me in the Nazi soldier direction...especially the Adolf and Eva direction. I have SO many connections to wolves via dreams, signs and syncs. My daughter's middle name is Zev. It is Hebrew for "wolf". It was such a weird possible connection that I watched a documentary about Adolf and Eva not too long ago. I had a feeling they might be connected to all of this. So this revelation that my best friend had been Adolf Hitler barely made me blink. It was more like, "Yeah. So? Tell me something I don't know." Lol Adolf was Eva's best friend. And isn't that what we all long for? A partner who is also their best friend.

Today on Facebook I shared a couple dreams that illustrate two different past life scenarios. You can read them should you want to. This was a comment I made after pondering those other lives:

What if the man who died on the cross (not Yeshua/Jesus) came back as Hitler? Killed by the Jews only to kill a few million Jews. Was it Karma? Was this baggage being carried over from his past life? I started thinking about this today with my past life shares earlier. In one we see how my killing this man's father caused him to become angry and violent. He killed his wife as a result of my having killed his father. It isn't about blame. Of course we always have choices but what was illustrated is how the chain of repercussions can follow us into other lives. In another life, I was the one who was murdered but we see the man who did the deed became a changed man. He broke the chain and grew to help humanity.
So often I used to dream that I had so much of this old baggage and stuff that was a burden to pack up to take with me. Forgiveness, both for them and ourselves, is key in being able to let all of the past life stuff go.
Usually when I dream I am heading somewhere, recently, I have almost nothing with me but my ID.
How I feel in this now moment is that Thomas, who died on the cross pretending to be Jesus, came back and had a life as Hitler.

So do we worship one and hate the other when, at their core, they are exactly the same soul, the same being? Or should we forgive and love the soul at the core regardless of the roles he performed? Did Mary come back and choose to give love to a man the world thought a monster? I think that is exactly what happened.

My 5-year-old inner self believes that there is good at the core of all people. We all have the potential to do really awful things and really good things. Looking at the other lives we have had and understadning what baggage we have brought back with us from those experiences can help us let go of the baggage.

When we look at our other lives, we have the opportunity to see how we have been both "saints and sinners" when participating in balancing karma. Karma isn't required. It is a choice. We can choose to simply make better choices. We can choose to understand the bigger implications of difficult experiences as a potential balancing act. Upon understanding, it is easier welcome acceptance and then forgive right now in order to be released of that baggage so we don't take it with us to the next life.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Coffee, Cigarettes and Self-reflection

Photo by Ralph Crane

I have always loved this vintage photo of Lauren Becall by Ralph Crane. It reminds me of myself when I was in my 20s and still chain-smoking. The only thing missing is a notebook and pen. So many hours I sat with pen and paper, a cup of coffee and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. You were just as likely to find me in a bar drinking coffee and writing rather than having an alcoholic beverage and talking to people. I have old order tickets, napkins and other random pieces of paper with whole poems or fragments I started.

The other day I was thinking about my old dream of singing (I have blogged about it here) and how, since I started this journey, my guides have told me to sing over and over. My thoughts wandered to my old dreams of wanting to be a successful singer and I thought to myself, "But I don't want to be on stage and it is no longer my dream."

And there was a realized "aha" moment.

And as I stood there in the kitchen making myself lunch and watching my hands do their work, I thought to myself, "But I already sing. I sing through my fingers with my words. My words are my song."

And that is the truth hidden in plain sight.

I love writing, but I stopped for many years. I used to write poems, lyrics, start stories, letters to friends and in my journal....but I stopped. I don't know how or why I stopped, but I did. And with the stopping, something in me felt like it died.

It took me 30 years to share my old poems with the world on my blog. I was proud of myself for taking that step because they always felt so personal and I wasn't ready back then to share such an inner part of me openly.

I didn't know if I would be able to write again the way I used to, but I just tried and I was pleased with the first attempt. 5 years later and it seems my song has come back and it is even stronger than before. I can easily look at a picture and start to hear words formulate that are inspired by what I images, art, and the things around me.

People have warned me that others might try to steal my work and my response is, "So." They have warned me that someone might attach their own name to my words and again I say, "So." I will not let fear keep me from sharing my creations with everyone who cares to read them. I share my words to provoke thought and feeling. I share them to put something beautiful out into the world. I put them out there because putting them out there is putting myself out there, which is the new open version of me. So what if someone attaches their names to my words? It doesn't matter. I don't even know who I really am at my core so even the name "Oktobre" is just a false identity.

Photo by Irving Penn

And what about all the money I could make if I were to write and publish books? Most of the information I share about my journey I would never charge for...ever...and the reason is because I think people are more important than profit. I think helping nudge humanity in a new direction is more important than making a buck on what I have to offer. I give my knowledge for free. Maybe it will resonate for some and help make their journey just a little easier than my own has been...which brings us one step closer to tipping the balance in favor of a heart centered society rather than a self centered one that focuses on division, survival and greed.

Would I like to be able to be comfortable for the time I have left here? That would be lovely, but it isn't what drives me. Maybe some day just the right musician will find me and want to put music to my poems and lyrics and together we can form a partnership we can mutually benefit from. To have music put with my words would be the absolute icing on the cake. If there is eventually money that comes with that, I wouldn't turn it down.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Duality, Reincarnation, Simultaneous Lives, Jean Seberg

Last night, on a hunch, I did a search of actresses who killed themselves because I had had so many dreams about having dropped out of school that felt more like a reference to suicide than actual 3D reality school. The first photo I saw was the above one of Jean Seberg and I just knew. Rose is a symbol that comes up over and over again in dreams, signs and syncs and I had just had a conversation with a friend about roses coming up for us. In fact, days before, I had a sync show up that gave me pause so I did a screenshot of what I saw. I often do this as I am collecting my puzzle pieces and trying to put them all together.

This particular synchronicity had multiple connections. Many of my dreams have a fairy tale connection and the story of Snow White and Rose Red, which is a Beauty and the Beast variation, is highly significant to me in figuring all of this out. I remember through dreams splitting apart into two... basically identical twins, which is probably why I see identical twins in my dreams so often. I believe this is how duality is achieved in this reality. One twin embodies light and one embodies dark but they are very similar. The only variation is personality.

I believe, also, that the dual aspects of self choose similar vocations and have similar personal issues within their lives only they approach them slightly differently. I believe this is true based on the guidance I have been given and the people I have been guided to. For instance, River Phoenix and Brandon Lee are the two who came to me in spirit. Both are actors and both died the exact same year. I kept being told that they were "two sides of the same coin". And then later I was shown in a dream having a piece of cake that was four layers and it had split in half on my plate. People thought I had two pieces of cake, but I told them that, no, this was actually a single piece of cake. Later in the dream I saw two lamps and discovered that their cords met and they were powered by a single source. I think the same is true for most of us.

I was guided to Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 and later to Laura Jane Grace of Against Me!. Both are considered a type of punk by fans and both are the primary song writers of their bands. Without them, the band essentially would not exist. I was drawn to studying Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison and again I was seeing two people who were the same but different.

Over and over I was seeing this pattern emerge that the average person would not be aware of or think to consider. So after having discovered my life as Ava, I considered that there must be another actress I hadn't discovered who was the light part of the duo as I believe fully that Ava is the dark one. I searched for an actress who had killed herself because it is such a big theme pervading my own life. That combined with the whole "dropping out of school" in my dreams and then coming back to finish made me feel there was something to be discovered in that search.

I read the whole list of actresses on that specific page and the only one I felt drawn to was Jean, so I explored more about her specifically.

As I explored her life, just like with Ava, I could see aspects of myself in Jean. Jean grew up in the Midwest and naturally had a strong sense of fairness and strived hard to to be inclusive to those who were considered minorities. She had a kind, gentle and giving heart, and in many respects, it was also her downfall because she didn't have a lot of balance. She didn't always make the best choices with her philanthropy and often got taken advantage of. I could see in her the kind, gentle sensitive me I was as a child. But life took its toll and the kind hearted me, the Snow White me, became buried in layers of ice and snow and the darker me "rose" to the surface and took over for her sister. In dreams there is a person named Rose and Rosie. And once I heard, "Rose Top died fairly." I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but I think it was showing me that the dark aspect had given way to Snow White so she could sit beside her sister in the driver's seat. I don't think Rose literally died, just stepped back and allowed some of that gentleness and kindness back to the surface. I had become angry, bitter and mean in order to survive my life.

Ava would eventually die alone with very few people actually caring that she had died. Frank Sinatra was one of two celebrity people who sent flowers to her funeral. She had pushed everyone away and let her addiction, bitterness, and regrets consume her. She didn't kill herself directly, but her choices led to her early death at 67.

Jean always felt misplaced and like she didn't belong here and I can relate so much to this feeling as I have always felt it too. Jean's life helped me understand some of the choices I made for this life. She had a string of romantic relationships where some were worse than others. But it was one after the others and sometimes overlapping because she was legally married while involved with some of the men. Ava had similar issues. I, however, have been largely commitment phobic where I think "love = pain" and I either sabotage myself, run away or choose people who are unattainable like all the crushes I had on gay men. They were safe. I could safely be affectionate without any expectations. When exploring the North Node in my astrological chart, I learned a lot about why I chose this life and the way I am living it. Finding Ava and Jean and learning about them confirmed exactly what the North Node exploration showed me. In this life I wanted to explore independence and not be so overwhelmed and mired in muck by relationships. In this life the person I wanted a relationship most with is myself.

On further exploration, I learned that Jean had two children. The first son was raised away from her in Spain by a nanny. I gasped at this and said to myself, "No wonder!" Later, she would have a daughter on August 23, 1970 which is also River Phoenix's birthday. Two days later her daughter died. She was heartbroken and devastated. She would never fully get over the loss and her partners would later reveal that she had tried to take her own life around the date of her daughter's birth and death. It explains why I am so drawn to mothers who have lost children. Ava had gotten pregnant once while married to Frank and, because of strict penalties she would face with her contract with MGM, she opted to terminate the pregnancy. Both women suffered a loss and both dealt with those losses in their own ways. Ava drank everything away. Jean became depressed and withdrawn. She became suicidal and would eventually succeed in taking her own life in 1979 at the age of 40.

I can understand completely why my whole adult life has been dedicated to raising children. First I raised other people's children for 17 years because someone else had raised my son, and then I stopped everything and sacrificed a lot so I can be home raising my own child. She has barely had a baby sitter. I can count on one hand how many times we asked friends to care for our daughter while we went out for a few hours. And is it any coincidence that I was determined to have a little girl even if I never married? I think not.

Night before last I had a dream where I had come upon a woman who was crying that her baby girl wasn't breathing. She held her baby out to me and I wasn't sure what to do. I was trying to find my way out of this place and I didn't want to be delayed. I asked her if she knew CPR or maybe there was some emergency assistance on campus that could help her baby. I believe fully that woman was Jean Seberg, an aspect of me, trying to help give me the clues so I could help her and her baby by putting the pieces together and healing all of our lives by restoring balance within this vehicle.

Clues are around us all the time trying to show us what we need to know about who we have been. We tend to ignore and brush it away. Everyone wants to have a celebrity past life, right? Not me. I have a strong distaste and loathing for celebrity. I can't think of anything I would like less than living in a fishbowl with no real privacy, which actually lends more weight to the idea that these two women are a part of me. They lived that life and it didn't end well for either of them. It seems understandable that I would choose a life as a "nobody"this time around.

Edited to add:

Yesterday I said the below to a friend as a response:

Ditto! I love you so much too. ❤ I know there are those scattered here and there who get it. They hear what I am saying and they understand the language I am speaking. But it is when we go into the trenches in "enemy" territory and speak openly about what we believe that it can get pretty difficult to endure the flames licking you, taunting you to see if you will run from them. I didn't come to preach to the choir. Fuck. I didn't come to preach at all but I share my journey, I share my ideas and opinions in places that are unfriendly because I know those places need the seeds in my pocket the most. I know you do the same as well. And when we brave those fires and walk away, we don't walk away unscathed. We walk away transformed and changed for all that we learned from those difficulties.

I didn't know why I was typing what I did at the time, but as I researched Jean, I learned that she had been badly burned during the filming of her first film, Saint Joan where she played Joan of Arc. Suddenly the words I selected had so much more meaning and gave validation to the idea that she was within me, helping me and guiding me.