Sunday, June 23, 2019

Choosing to Stay and Continue My Role

Art by mou-s

I made an important decision recently.

I posted something on Instagram for someone on June 21, 2019:

All is not lost, my love.
You can still save me.
You can still save the beast from certain death.
Did the knowledge of my illness send you into a tail spin?
Did it trigger old wounds?
Did you catch air and start to lose control of your vehicle?
In the Neverending Story the Princess was dying but the solution was easier than anyone imagined.
The same is true for our story.
All you have to do is choose me and tell me you want me to stay.
I will stay for you. 

I posted other things after, but I went into a little bit of a rage because of the continued silence I am still getting from the person I wrote it for. I thought, "Fuck this shit, I just want out!! I don't want to be here! Give me death right the fuck now! This reality sucks ass!" I felt like a caged animal pacing back and forth.

Everyone, including myself, keep saying that our thoughts create our reality and that is true to a degree. Intention IS everything, but sometimes our desires and intentions are stalled if it isn't actually for the highest good. Since I have started this journey, I have thought so many times, "Please let me die." But I have also been shown that if I take my own life, I will have to wait for the rest of my team before I can move on. So I simply have tried to intend my death and maybe help it a long by not really taking care of the vehicle I am in.

Art by Andy Ivanov

Recently it has felt like I was making progress as my body is starting to have serious issues and I thought, "Finally I can wake up and go home."

Except it isn't that simple.

In my writing I said my soul partner needs to choose me and then I will make an effort to stay. In my Vedic astrology chart, my longevity house is blank which speaks to me that I get to choose when I leave.

You have to understand, I didn't step into the game for me. I didn't step in for "happily ever after" even though that is part of the game. I stepped inside to help someone else who needs assistance. I always see it in dreams as a younger boy who I agree to help.

Angry Aggie from the Laika movie ParaNorman

This being, like Agatha in Laika's ParaNorman, had grown pretty pissed off and become destructive while stuck inside the game. Most people would refer to him as Satan, Lucifer, Death or the Devil. And really, he is just an actor who takes the shittiest roles to perform.

The thing is, in reality, this being is part of a larger being.

On one side he is God of all things light and airy and on the other he is God of the Underworld and all things dark and ominous. But it is time for the two sides to come back together now and I have been assisting as the bridge.

In my desire to be done with this game, I forgot the reason I am here in the first place. It was a recent dream my thoughts went back to in my rage of wanting to leave that helped me stop in my tracks. I shared the dream on social media and I will share it here as well:

Dream Journal Entry: June 13, 2019 I was telling someone just now in a dream, "It's me, I'm the Lion. I'm the one who is terminal. I could have days left or maybe a year or two. I'm just supposed to keep doing God's work while I am here." 
I was saying this to Jan who was at an alter that was being prepared for a woman to lay at for some ritual. There was a small waterfall configuration and cut logs with lit candles. There was some mixture that had been put together for her to lay on that looked like a red paste. There was also a green wreath to place on her head waiting for her arrival. 
Jan and I used to be friends but parted ways in real life. In the dream she seemed dubious about what I was saying, or maybe it was more annoyed that I wasn't having to do what everyone else was doing because of doing "God's" work. When I said God, I actually made air quotation marks. 
In earlier dreams there was a scene with my father and he was driving a truck with all of us in it. We came up over a hill and caught air and the landing bounced the truck making the truck start to lose control. But somehow he managed to hold on and brought the truck back into control and no one was injured. I complimented him on how well he handled that. 
Later there was a scene and i was calling for my mom because I was losing mobility in my extremities. I was showing her the difficulty I was having in my hands and how they would get stuck. Mom was concerned because it didn't look good for me. 
There was something about someone who had served time in jail with my dad. I think he liked me or maybe it was that I liked him. I can't remember well. He came back briefly for a scene but I can't remember what took place.  
Then there is a boy. I recognize him as Joshua. In reality, he is my friend's, Dan, 6 year old son, but in the dream, I referred to him as Keanu's son. Both men happen to be part Hawaiian. Apparently I had only recently met him but he didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but me. There was something about him taking some small gold hoop earrings out and putting in different ones. He handed the gold hoops to me to hold. There was something about what Keanu had left with us that we needed to make sure was used and replenished. It feels like moss and bark but I am not sure how it was used.  
Joshua is telling me about how Max, the ex con friend, had recently gotten shot in the butt. I laughed and told him I hadn't heard that but he went quiet when others were near as if no one else was supposed to know about it. Joshua was getting ready for school in a uniform. Normally he has long dark hair but for a minute it looked like he had cut his hair. As it turned out, it was just brushed in a way that made it appear to be short.  
The next scene was the ritual scene with Jan. 
 I was going to ask my friend, Dan, what his son's middle name is because sometimes the meaning can be found in the middle name. Funny enough, he had just posted a picture of his young son hugging a giant redwood and had used his full name. The image had powerful symbolism to me as I have gotten in dreams that I am helping a giant.

Art by Liella Art

Joshua Thomas translates to "To save the twin".

This blew me away.

It was in those moments of rage and wanting desperately to exit the flesh prison that I saw Joshua's face and stopped my storm abruptly.

This kid has been reborn inside of my partner and I can't just take off now when we are so near to completing the task of helping him remember who he really is and bringing the parallel worlds back together as one and into harmony.

Reality will change as we know it when that happens.


This is huge!

Yes, I still want to go home but I can't abandon this kid who is counting on me. We are so close to ending war and chaos.

Art by mou-s

And so I officially choose to stay for the highest good of all...but mostly for that kid I have seen when I have dreamed from inside my partner.

You might be thinking, "But what about your fucked up ride? How are you going to stay if your car doesn't want to stay running?"

I have simply called upon my fairy godmother to help me. Maybe you call them "God" or "angels" but basically they are an aspect of the game...a tool. You can open your tool chest and give them full permission to act on your behalf to make shit happen for the highest good. The catch is, you actually have to BELIEVE they are taking action without knowing exactly how or when it will all fall into place. You won't get help from them if you don't ask for it. You won't get help if you ask but then don't believe it will happen. Not believing basically cancels your request.

You have to BELIEVE in magic before magic can happen around you.

Art by Ellectrolusion

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Signs and Syncs in Movies, Toy Story 4, Lego Movie 2

When I was in my early twenties, I remember being with friends while they watched cartoons and laughed hysterically. I sat there with them completely unmoved by what I was seeing and thinking, "What is wrong with me that I don't find this amusing?" I also did not cry during sad moments in movies. It seemed that the only two emotions I could access easily were fear and anger. I was numb to all other emotions.

Yesterday, we went to see a sneak peak of Toy Story 4. Just prior to this, we watched The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part and I was struck by the profound messages and synchronicity I found in both. They seemed to be telling part of my tale in animated form.


Don't read further if you plan to see Toy Story 4 and don't want to know any of the details of the movie yet.

Gabby Gabby and her ventriloquist dummy goons seemed pretty scary. She had an objective and that was to take what she wanted from Woody. Her desire was to finally know what it was like to have a kid that was her very own. Sadly, the one she thought was perfect for her ended up rejecting her. She thought all was lost and hopeless, but Woody, despite what he had given up to Gabby Gabby to help his own kid, felt compassion for her and wanted to help her experience life with a kid. On the way to taking her with him to try to get back to his own kid, they encounter a little lost girl. She was scared and crying. A decision is made that Gabby Gabby would try to comfort this child and maybe fulfill her chance of having her very own kid.

It was at the point where the little lost girl discovers Gabby Gabby that I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. In that moment, I connected with the characters on the screen and felt empathy. I have dreamed many times about having a sense of being lost...the kind where you are separated from your parents as a child. Connecting with someone who brings you a sense of "everything is going to be okay" and comfort is priceless.

It was in that moment of empathy and emotion that I recognized how far I have come on my journey. No longer am I the numb person in the room unable to laugh or cry with the characters on the screen. Being able to connect with animated characters is very symbolic of the reconnection I have made with my own set of inner children.

I can feel again.

I can laugh again.

There were signs and syncs before the movie ever started. We took Inara and her best friend to McDonald's. We never eat there, so it was a pretty rare event and I sat there having déjà vu due to a dream I just had recently where I saw a McDonald's. I searched my dreams but could only find an old one from 2014. When I searched my conversation with my friend, I found the bit where I talked about what I saw.  Apparently it was included in a nightmare that I didn't want to write down because it was so upsetting. But the old dream from 2014 was fascinating and felt relevant.

Dream Journal Entry: October 22, 2014 Yesterday, I had a dream that I meant to write down but I forgot. There were lots of dreams but the bits I remember were these. It seems like I was at an event of some sort...not sure what kind of event. There were lots of people. I ended up going somewhere for lunch...i think it was McDonalds which is weird because I never eat there. I bought lunch for some other people. I had chips and some of the others wanted some of my chips. I was reluctant at first and then was like "whatever" and just gave away my chips thinking I could just go buy some fries and asked if anyone wanted any. 
Then I remember a scene where I was talking to some people. There was an overweight girl talking about some guy, I think. I took her hand and I told her how beautiful she was and then I started talking about what I believe and how we are not our bodies...that our bodies are vehicles. I said something like, "When you take away the body, what we are is a fucking ball of light and we are BEAUTIFUL....all of us!" They seemed pretty happy and enthusiastic about what I was saying and I was surprised they were so receptive to what I was saying.  
There was something about some guy who did all kinds of work and helping put things together but he never asked for anything or asked for recognition. There was something about some dude taking like 80% of the profit/pay and the employees were really unhappy who worked with him...while the other guy worked away without much notice. I don't know who he was or what meaning he had in the dream.
Later, I simply remember seeing this amazing ceiling. It was mostly white and glittery. It sparkled, but had a kind of an Asian looking cherry blossoms or something. I took photos of the ceiling and what was revealed is that there were some amazing sculptures on the ceiling. I took more photos, but because of the angle, figured I would have to turn the photos upside down to be able to see them properly. Later, I was taking pictures of a house I thought was cool and it too had an Asian feel to it. I only wanted to get the house in the photo because I liked the way it looked.
My daughter and her friend both got Sour Punch Straws and, once again, I had déjà vu due to a dream I just had where green Sour Punch Straws were seen. Green is the color of the outer heart chakra and the sweet and sour mix seems to suggest balance.

I tend to see these clusters of signs and syncs rather like mile markers or exclamation points to tell you to pay attention because something important is about to happen in your story. The last time I had a large cluster of signs and syncs, they told me I would be having Christmas in July. On July 25th of last year, I would end up talking to someone very special to me for the first time.

Woody spent so much time trying to help his kid, Bonnie, but there came a time and place where it seemed he had fulfilled his purpose with her. At one point, he had to make an important decision between freedom and love or staying with a job he loved and had given all of his life to.


He chooses freedom and love.

In the end, Woody is still able to do what he loves with the person he loves...just in a different way and on his own terms.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part also contained some important messages for me and parallels with my own story I have been playing out.

Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi took many forms. Like Gabby Gabby, at first glance, she seems kind of menacing and scary. She is able to change her form to seem more ominous, but she was only trying to be more relatable to those on the dark brooding side. In her true form, Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi is pure love. She is Heart... literally...and not really scary at all. Her objective was to find someone from the dark brooding side to marry her so they could join their two worlds together.

I have had dreams that describe this very scenario for my own story.

Dream Journal Entry: May 11, 2018 Last night I kept hearing the word "Benzo" and "Benzo car" while I dreamed different things. I heard something about the parallel universes being brought back together. 
Dream Journal Excerpt: September 4, 2018 I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this is a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white an the other blackness. I heard something about heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

The thing is, all of the "dark" ones used to be part of the light world, only they had forgotten. Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi and General Mayhem were trying to help them remember. There is a place for darkness. Darkness can be beautiful and transforming, but it doesn't have to be lower mind. Darkness can be Higher Mind and beneficial. There is a place on the throne beside Light for Darkness and by bringing these two together into love and balance, two worlds are united to create something new.

This is the very same story that is taking place right here, right now.

Rex is a bitter shadow version of the usually sweet and cheerful Emmet. He serves to show we are capable of dark destructive deeds when we choose a path of lower mind. But, ultimately, Rex, the dark twin disappeared and integrated into his lighter self which brought peace and harmony to both worlds.

I don't feel like "fighting" the darkness and trying to kill it off is actually helpful. I think choosing to try to understand it, help it make better choices and forgive it for all of the past dark deeds is necessary for integration. I think our shadow selves simply need more love and understanding to help them remember they were once part of the Light world too and can be part of it once again without actually disappearing completely.

This is the age old story of archangel  Michael battling Lucifer. They have to lay down their weapons and use effective communication as the tool that helps bring them back together as one being.

What both of these movies have in common is the element of people rising up and meeting their full potential for the greater good of all. Duke Caboom finally hit his mark and achieved a stunt that saves the day. For Gabby Gabby it was to finally realize her life's purpose. For Woody it was to realize it was okay to change and choose a new path when it seemed like he was nearing the end of one journey. Instead of clinging to his job with Bonnie, he let go and chose love and, in doing so, he found a new purpose being of service helping other toys realize their purpose. Emmet found a new strength when integrating his shadow self. The Light and Dark world found community and love when coming together in harmony and appreciating what both sides offered in their uniqueness. And Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi was finally able to take her true form openly. She was able to be her authentic self...pure love.

What movies are giving you messages about your own story?

Are profound messages making their way to you through unlikely places?

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Porn Addiction, Soul Connections, and Forgiveness

Piergiorgio Branzi, Napoli, 1953
In my effort to see the good and potential in people, I sometimes forget about the darkness that lurks in the shadows.

I listened to a tarot reading recently and it triggered memories of a recurring theme in my dreams. All it took was the mention of "addiction" combined with the word "porn". 

I started piecing together various dreams along with signs and syncs I had gotten. A picture emerged of someone I am connected to on a soul level having a pretty fucked up porn addiction. It is the reason for the big hold up in moving forward with the mission we are supposed to work on together as a team.

There will be people who say you don't need anyone to move forward with your mission, but I am here to tell you that is lemonade made out of bullshit and no matter how much you stir it and add sugar, it still is false bullshit that you probably shouldn't drink. We are in a virtual reality playing a game. As with many video games, there are sections set up where the task can only be completed as a team with two or more players. Maybe you all have to step on buttons to open a door or one pulls a lever that lifts the other up. That is where I am at in my game. I have to work with my partner to complete and he is neck deep in a fucked up porn addiction, too scared to move forward with me.

What he didn't count on was taking me along by dragging me behind his horse through mud, rocks, brambles and shit. His internal shit affects my dreams. When he gets turned on by violent sex, I see it in my dreams and often wake up referring to them as nightmares. I usually start my journal with "I had a very disturbing dream". In fact, I often don't write many of those dreams down because I don't want to remember. I just had a recent one where I was trapped on an island and I was a young girl being sex trafficked. I was being sold as a virgin for the pleasure of some guy. The dream was so trying to get away from this place.

I have tried hard to put my swords away. I have tried to grow and soften and calm my inner Kali Ma who cuts heads off and asks questions later, but I felt her rise and I wanted to slash. I raged about it for a little while but then asked myself, "What am I supposed to do with this?"


Dear Soul Partner,

How can I help you? How can I help love this shadow that haunts my dreams and keeps you from real intimacy and connection? How can I love this darkness inside you that I abhor and feel disgusted and repulsed by? How can I help you so that we can both move forward?

I stood in my kitchen and thought, "I have to love this part of him and help him understand the symbolism so he can let it go and love himself too."

Ask yourself what it is you are lacking and trying to integrate into self through inappropriate means. What are you reenacting from past lives? 

People who rape don't rape because of the sex. They rape for the sense of control, the same reason that people become anorexic and bulimic. It is about having a sense of control over your own life in some small form. Maybe watching the violence against another person in a sex act gets you off in a way nothing else can. Perhaps it is because you keep your emotions so bottled up and hidden that it comes out as being turned on by an inappropriate violent sexual expression.

"Take that, motherfucker!" 

Sex with children is an inappropriate outer act of desiring a relationship with your own inner child.

Maybe the first steps in healing is deciding to have a better relationship with self. 

Know thy self. 

Become authentic in all that you do and honor yourself by expressing your feelings in a constructive way regularly. Be willing to risk displeasing someone in order to be true and honest to yourself. You will feel so much better when you do. Find your voice that you traded in order to keep the peace and keep your career on track. Trust that you can speak your truth and everything can still be okay...even when it seems to fall apart.

Make no mistake, many people will fall away from you on the journey back to self, but they are only people that NEED to fall away. Allow them to fall away as you come into embodying who you were always meant to be.

As you grow, expand and speak out your real feelings, you will find the addictions and compulsions will gradually dissipate. They are the bags you will forget and leave behind in the airport because you no longer need to compensate to get some sort of release from what builds up inside you from what you don't express in the moment. 

I felt my anger and let it pass through me. I didn't hold onto it. In doing so, I came out to a place of wanting to understand and help you. I came to a place of wanting to take your hand and love you through it all until you love the person inside as much as I do. 

I see you.

I see your potential. I know your pain and burden that weighs you down because I feel it too. You don't have to do it all alone, my love. Make a choice to let me all the way in. Pick up the phone and call me. Let me be part of your life fully and openly.

I love all of you, not just the parts that are easy to love. It is our shadows that need our love and understanding the most.

I love you completely and unconditionally.

I lava you. 💜

Monday, May 6, 2019

Dreams: Intimacy with River Phoenix

Sexual Content Warning!

Attribution Unknown
If you are uncomfortable with somewhat explicit sexual content, please skip this blog post.

If you want to learn more about the symbolism of sex in dreams, please read on.

Dream Journal Entry: May 6, 2019
I dreamed of River Phoenix all night.
Photo of River Phoenix and Sue Solgot by Bruce Weber

In the first dreams, it was like I had missed connecting with him and he left all of these clues behind for me to find. There was something about his father not being his biological father and him not knowing who his bio dad was. I remember seeing an effort to try to match features up with who his dad might have been. There was a bit about traveling on snow skis and I hoped I didn't need to do that too as I have never snow skied. It was more like cross country skiing because it doesn't seem like there is a slope.

I heard/felt something about how River could be found where the brown sleeping bag was, so I had to find that. It feels kind of like this is a funny pun. It feels like this is a reference to someone sleeping a lot. I think I had found the sleeping bag just before I started to rouse and think about what I had just seen and then I drifted back into a dream.
Photo of River Phoenix by Gus Van Sant

River is suddenly with me and we are together and talking. It feels like we are traveling on a bus and are going to Detroit but I don't know why. I apologized, saying I don't know why we didn't just take my black car (in real life I no longer have that car) because now we would have to walk part of the way there. Something is said about his friend. I'm the one who said it.  I think this it is referencing Keanu but I can't remember what is said. It feels like we are getting to know each other. 
Photo of Keanu Reeves by Gus Van Sant

I can't even say how it occurred,  but we come together intimately and I have some sense that this is his first time to have sex. I'm not sure why. In real life, he wasn't a virgin. After intercourse, I now have his penis in my mouth. He isn't circumcised and he is enjoying this sensation of my mouth. I pause because I suddenly realized we were out in the open with people all around and that he was a spirit. I asked him if others could see this happening. He said that they couldn't see him, that they could only see me. I laughed and felt a little embarrassed, but covered my eyes with my hand and continued until he came. Next he said he was going to get something for his bottom. He grabbed some tea bags, a block of orange Tillamook cheese in red packaging and a small knife. He said he needed blood for this mix and proceeded to cut the skin on his right wrist. I have no idea how those items were going to be used. I started to wake up there

As I laid processing what I had seen, I saw a flash of a giant Lego corpse flower coming together piece by piece. I also vaguely recall seeing an orange and a jar with something in it but I can't remember what.
Amorphophallus Titanum is endemic to Western Sumatra
Photo Credit: US Botanic Garden
 Selected Symbolism:

I'm going to focus mostly on the sex parts of this dream because I think it is where many people can get derailed if they are uncomfortable with sex topics or think it is all about the pleasure of the act. Both scenarios will cause you to miss important messages.

The act of sexual intimacy is easily about energetic connection where there is a flow and exchange. When I come together with people in dreams sexually, I often see it as an integration of parts of myself.

Today I want to get more detailed about individual sex acts.

If we look at where the masculine and feminine are making the connection, it will give us a message.

When I connected with River through intercourse, this was connection at the Sacral chakra level. The color of the Sacral Chakra is orange which was seen twice within the dream. When I see orange, I automatically think, "This is about relationships." It is meeting and coming together at the same level. The masculine was a virgin which could suggest he has never truly connected with anyone until then on a deep and meaningful level.

When it was oral sex, the feminine Throat Chakra was connected to the masculine Sacral Chakra. It was showing an oral/verbal relationship that was very pleasing to the masculine.

The foreskin being present and noticed could suggest that the most sensitive parts of the masculine have remained protected and hidden until the right stimulation is provided.

Lovanet Lake in Stryn, Norway - Attribution Unknown
Water can represent emotions or sex. More often than not, I simply interpret it as emotions, which also could mean I am losing part of the meaning by rarely considering it to represent sex.

Semen is a fluid, so water makes up part of it, but it is thicker and contains something living and active within it, which makes it a super powerful symbol. Taking this living fluid into the feminine orally could represent fertilizing an oral egg. Meaning the masculine inspired some sort of speech or verbal expression. And the consistency of the semen being thicker speaks to me of the ability for it to linger and stick around, therefore, the verbal expression is likely to have more substance as well.

The mention of the bottom (anus) is about the Root Chakra which can also represent carnal desires, but I tend to think of it being more about matters of survival. The Root Chakra color is red, which shows up in the wrapper of the cheese. The cheese was orange, which speaks of relationships. So the Root and Sacral were seen together. To me, this speaks of a relationship being beneficial and able to feed our needs of survival. The block of cheese was large, which makes me think, "the big cheese" and could mean the person I have a relationship with is seen as a pretty big deal to people. There are all kinds of relationships and one that involves the Root Chakra might well be a business relationship, someone who provides a job or something similar.

It is important to note that the black tea I normally have at home is in a red box and this is what I saw even though I didn't mention that detail when recording the dream. Tea is something that needs to steep...but personally, I find it pretty boring as a drink, so this speaks of some part of the process being somewhat boring.

The cutting of the right wrist speaks to me of how writers (right/write) and many different types of artists speak about opening up a vein and bleeding for their creations. This means we take what is twisted up inside and bring it out to reveal it through our form of art. Right represents "right now" and masculine. It represents outgoing and giving. Blood is red and repeats the Root Chakra theme.

The Lego Corpse flower was GIANT and was coming together. This speaks to me of what is coming together and being built through a partnership will be HUGE... maybe only in my own life, but the size seems to suggest its importance.

Because I was aware that the masculine was actually a spirit, the corpse flower name seems to repeat the theme of something having been dead but coming back to bloom. Corpse flowers can take up to 7-10 years to bloom the first time and then some bloom again every 2-3 years. This means that putting this project together is taking a long time so patience and diligence is required.

What are your sex dreams telling you?

How are you connecting with others or yourself in dreams?

Monday, April 29, 2019

Replicas Movie and Copies of Copies

Art by Jay Brett (carbon 1492 at CGSociety)

I have hit a proverbial wall, I think. I have come to a place where I feel like there isn't much further I can go with all of this. I don't feel like writing most of the time, trying to find artwork feels like a chore instead of a pleasure and I have some serious doubts that all of this is leading me anywhere. I feel like Bill Murray living Groundhog's Day over and over again, only I keep getting older in the process and he didn't.

I watched the movie, Replicas, tonight and I finally have enough thoughts running through my brain to inspire a blog post as a way to coagulate all of my thoughts it inspired. If you are bored, I welcome you to step inside the rabbit hole that is my mind and read on.

Early on in my journey I got signs and syncs about copies of copies. When I heard the Nine Inch Nails song "Copy of a Copy", my scalp tingled and I got chills. I knew there was something there but I didn't know what, so I put it in my pocket to save for later.

I once had a dream about a little girl and there were all of these copies of her.
Dream Journal Excerpt: October 23, 2015 There was a part about a little girl and there were all these copies of her and when she was identified as the original, they were all in awe and adoration of her. I don't remember much else about that scene. 
Replicas received horrible reviews by critics. I never read the reviews, only the headlines. Personally, I didn't think it was horrible at all.  I think it is easy to forget it was a sci-fi movie because it seemed so current in its setting. There were no flying cars, spaceships and weird futuristic clothing to remind you it was sci-fi you were watching. With sci-fi you always have to suspend disbelief and just accept this is a fantasy brain child of some creative and probably nerdy people imagining "what if".

What if you lost someone you loved and could bring them back exactly as they were before they left? Would you do it?

It raises some thought provoking questions...hence this blog post.

I wished Stephen Hamel and Keanu Reeves had consulted me and I could have given the movie a different twist idea that would have given it more heart and maybe helped audiences and critics connect with the story better.

I think the whole military idea with robots is pretty predictable and played out as a point of conflict. What if instead the conflict came in with science and spirit coming together to create drama? What if the spirits of the deceased family came into play and haunted William and his new family? Where would his loyalty be placed?  Would the replicated new family have souls now as well?

Art by Joshua Hutchinson Illustrations
I once had a dream that these two guys took the essence of a cat and placed it inside my dog. I was so upset because she had still been in her body when they placed the cat essence inside her body. It felt like they had basically killed my dog because she was never going to be the same again. How can we be sure that replicas of us wouldn't end up being different? We have free will and identical twins are basically biological copies. All the identical twins I have known are similar but also different. They don't make the exact same choices even though biologically they are identical.

I also had a different dream:
Dream Journal Excerpt: February 10, 2014 I died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it were trying to convince my partner it would be just as good as the human me.
I was reminded of the movie, Making Mr. Right, where John Malkovitch plays both a scientist who created an android and the Android who looks just like him. Ann Magnuson's character was hired to make the android seem more human and likeable. He was designed for deep space where he would be alone for a very long period of time. But thanks to Ann's character, the android actually ends up with more warmth and humanness than his identical counterpart who made him. Ann falls in love with the android and the scientist ends up going to outer space and taking the position his android had been made for. The scientist really didn't like people very much and felt this was actually a better place for him.

Similarly, the robot version of William in Replicas states that being in that body feels more natural to him than the flesh body he had been in before. What is this saying about scientists? Lol At that moment, I thought to myself, "Of course you feel at home there because you are the Tin Man in the tale. You have no heart."

Science on its own has no heart, no empathy, no compassion and no soul. It is cold and without feelings. Science is Spock...all logic and no vulnerability.

The Tin Man has to birth a heart for himself on his journey. Science and Spirituality need each other to be balanced. They need to get in bed together and make babies.

Spirituality has helped me understand that ANYTHING is possible. But science has also helped me understand that it is more likely than not that we are living in a simulation. I understand that it is entirely possible that I am copy of a copy. It is also possible that I am an original too....but of what? We can take code for a program and copy/paste it. What if all of us are simply code? What if past lives are simply residual code that was copy/pasted and tweaked slightly to make them seem different?

Overall, I liked the Replicas movie because it did make me think about a lot of things. I will probably be pondering it all for days to come.

Now I am going to watch The Private Lives of Pippa Lee.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Inner Children, Balancing Masculine and Feminine

Art By William-Adolphe Bouguereau
I think I have come to realize something. I have flirted with the idea previously but it really took hold and solidified in my mind while talking with my friend, Lindsay, tonight.

I had a dream I previously posted where a young woman I came upon had two young children with her. She sends the boy along and keeps the girl child near. Someone asked me what that was all about. I stated then that, I suppose, since we are both masculine and feminine that it would stand to reason that we would also have two inner of each polarity. But I didn't really pay much attention to what I had said.

Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau
Tonight the topic came up again and this time it suddenly seemed so obvious that, of course, we have an inner child of both polarities and all of those times I dreamed about having a baby boy, it was really about rebirthing the inner masculine within me which I had long since killed off.

What people don't seem to understand is we have been wrong for so long about the nature of masculine. Masculine is represented by white which is light, positive, and the color of purity. White is soft, warm, gentle and kind. And someone who has an imbalance with too much masculine will seem quite weak and too soft. They are easily wounded and overly sensitive.

Art  by William-Adolphe Bouguereau
Feminine is represented by black which is also the shadow self, darkness, and negative. Too much of the feminine and they are ruthless, insensitive, hard and cold.

Art by Azaza Azunder

My imbalance was that I was all feminine. All of my softness and masculine were killed off as a means of survival in my childhood. My poor inner boy child was killed off and I lacked compassion and softness as a result. I was hard and cold. I often was accused of having no feelings. The truth is, I was very numb and felt very little for a long time. Even my inner feminine had died off. I was mostly dead inside. I think the literal birth of my daughter represents the rebirth of my inner feminine. When I see my daughter in dreams, I often think of her as representing my inner child. I just never realized there were supposed to be two.

Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

The baby boy I have dreamed of having over and over is my own inner masculine coming back to dwell within me. I am rebirthing him in me to create balance.

February 6, 2019 I remember something about people discussing gender and how they think that most people might actually be the opposite gender they really are inside. I agreed I thought that was possible. I paused and said, "But I am both. I know I am a hermaphrodite." Internally I knew I was a hermaphrodite....not on a physical level but on a soul level. It felt like the others only had a single alternate gender inside.. opposite of what their external was physically.
I think one of our goals is to achieve internal hermaphrodite status. The Sacred Hermaphrodite represents the ultimate balance and integration.

February 27, 2019 I dreamed about a lion. He was in my house and I was somehow responsible for him now. I was making some mixture of food. It was almost like a dough because it stuck together. The lion seemed to indicate he wanted this so I fed it to him carefully. I remember something about the fridge and how when you closed the door, part of it on the left was still open and the light stayed on. Others came in and I cautioned them because I wasn't sure how he would behave around other people. He allowed me to pet him but I was cautious about how and where I pet him.  I was still getting to know him.  
I remember a bit about agreeing to marry someone whose partner hadn't turned up. I became married to him within that tiny bit of dream. 
Just before I woke I heard, "He sacrificed her for you." I then saw a sword stab and go through all the pages of an open book. I couldn't tell you what kind of book it was, just that it was thick and had calligraphy style writing on it. And at that point I heard, "Mary, a boy child will to be born to you..."
Art by William-Adolphe Bouguereau
Have you been dreaming about having a baby girl or baby boy?

What parts of you do you need to bring back to life?

Are you too soft or too hard?

What needs to be balanced within you?

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

When Science Marries Spirituality

Illustration by Kay Nielson
I know I talk a lot about balance, but I seriously didn't see this one coming.

I mean, duh, the biblical creation story is actually a biology lesson. It should have been obvious to me but I was so steeped in the spiritual angle and implications, that I was missing the science.

Having this new information is making my head spin because I am thinking about so many dreams and how there were all of these biology references all along...I just didn't know it.

One time I dreamed about a woman who was a seamstress. She was tired and her work was getting sloppy. There were mistakes. This is obviously a reference to DNA having issues and it was creating mistakes in the skin suits being created.

In the same dream, I got accidentally sent to a recycling center. I escaped the recycling center. Could I have been playing the role of abnormal DNA or a mutation that was scheduled for recycling but I escaped?

In another dream I tell a boy who I raised that he is not my own creation, but I felt he deserved a chance at having a life. In the dream I said that he could be used as a weapon and people feared him. Whoever had him could use him to destroy their enemies. I told him that just because that was what he was intended for doesn't mean that is how his story has to end.  Could this be some gene mutation? Could it have been pointing to genetic engineering similar to what is described happened in Atlantis?

Art by Kay Nielson
Think about it, the 12 disciples are part of a DNA strand. Their job is to spread the word (code) from their two mentors...mother and father. And what do we know about life, matter and the flower of life? It acts like a fractal and can be seen duplicating the same pattern over and over again in different ways. For instance, it is Right Brain that is considered feminine but controls the left side while the Left Brain controls the right side. Basically a twist happens, rather like a DNA strand.

I have dreamed about someone whose zoo all have abnormalities and deformaties. When I say "zoo" it is the animals that show up representing them.

I am still trying to figure all of this shit out and I know I still am not there yet. There are flaws and holes, but I keep trying and I definitely feel like I am getting closer. There are layers of messages in dreams and each time you peel away a layer and get a new clue, you can see something completely different.

I definitely still believe we are experiencing this in a virtual reality, but why? What are we doing? Is it like the movie "Inner Space" where we go inside and do some repairs on someone? Is it simply just kind of like a medical school VR game? This shit is hard.

I still don't really know what I need to do to complete.

What if the simulation we are participating in is about to double? What if it is moving from 2 cells (duality) to becoming four cells? What would that look like?

Truly, this is a random musing to empty my head a little so I can sleep. It is also for all two of you who actually read me. 😂 Okay, I suppose I am exaggerating. It is more like 5 if I include my mom. Lol

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Sacred Marriage and the Flower of Life

Art by Laurie Lipton
Moon & Sun
Water & Fire
Feminine & Masculine
Dark & Light
Right & Left
Egg & Sperm

Art by Johfra Bosschart

Atom & Lilith; Atom, Lilith, Eve & Lucifer; Pizza 😀 aka Cell Division aka The Flower of Life

1 + 1 = 3

Mother + Father = Child

Heart + Mind = Soul

Emotions + Logic = Consciousness

Any questions?