Saturday, April 8, 2017

Book Review, Soul Connections in Dreams

I posted a review about Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout on Instagram initially. I did eventually take it down. It is still up on my Facebook "like" page, but I thought I would post it here too and discuss why I am interested in her and how certain people are brought to our awareness in dreams long before we know their current identity.

Book Review:

I finished reading Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny, recently. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, but am so glad I did. I felt a little like Bastian in The Neverending Story experiencing what Atreyu was experiencing in his trials and tribulations and I simply could not put the book down. I cheered her on. I got mad at the cops who were abusive to her. I fell in love with those she fell in love with and I felt anguish, loss and desolation at times. So many experiences she describes, like drug use, I can't at all relate to but I was fascinated by all of the details of a life somewhat foreign to me. I am completely inhibited and not much of a risk taker, so that was interesting to see through her eyes and listen to what she was feeling and experiencing along the way. Like with so many fictional characters we read about, for instance Lestat, Lasher, and Mona Mayfair, we fall in love with them. We follow their journey and we get to know them. They feel like friends we would love to have coffee and long conversations with. Okay, maybe with Lestat it would be blood we would share. Lol But by the end of this book, I was left with a yearning and longing that she was really my friend. I was left wishing she was the kind of friend who was so close enough to me that she knows she can call me at 2am and I would always make time for her no matter what. While I appreciated getting to know Tom, I am glad I didn't know who Against Me! were until now because, really, Tom was a lie. He wasn't who she really is. He was just the mask she wore and I have so much love and respect for the woman she is now. Knowing Tom would have skewed my feelings and made it harder for me to accept the real version because he would have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have gazed at pictures of both and there is a completely different energy. They look completely different. I would have never been attracted to Tom and yet Laura I find so completely adorable. And I do mean that in a date-able way even though I have never dated a woman. I find myself incredibly attracted to her. I hope she continues to keep journals and writes a sequel eventually. PS my number is 867-5309

Soul Connections in Dreams:

So many that go down the path of dream interpretation, because they are prolific dreamers, tend to stick to interpreting dreams as being all subconscious shit you are trying to work through and, by seeing them only in this way, you are missing the other messages that are trying to make it through. What many fail to recognize is that we often leave our bodies when we go to sleep. To think that everything you see is happening in your head would be erroneous. That simply isn't the case. We leave our bodies and go off to hang out with other people, but what both parties see in those moments can look very different based on what we need as reference points to connect the dots and eventually understand the messages.

I once had what I considered the absolute worst psychic reading ever and the only thing this guy got that I kind of resonated with at the time was he told me that there was someone very meaningful to me in Chicago. I threw away the rest of what he had to say. Little did I know at the time, it was actually one of the better readings, I just didn't know how to interpret it at the time. Dreams are often the same way. We need more pieces of our puzzle to come in before we can fully understand the meanings of certain aspects of dreams. This was the case for me when I started having dreams about men who liked to dress in women's clothing and then it started to evolve into men who were transitioning into women. I was also having dreams about having a relationship with a woman. I have never been with a woman nor have I been tempted to do so. It was curious, to say the least. While I have a beloved trans person in my life, the dreams didn't feel like they were about that specific person.

I have shared some of these dreams on Instagram but will put them all in one place in this post.


Photo of Ruby Rose

February 10, 2014 
I died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it were trying to convince my husband it would be just as good as the human me. And then the scene changed and I was me again and this awesomely tattooed woman walks by. I was looking at her tattoos feeling like I recognized her and I said "oh I saw you in the paper and just thought you were so beautiful. I love your tattoos." She had blue and blond and black hair. She pulled me close to her so our bodies were against each other and asked me to meet her at the Crystal Ballroom for a date. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted but my husband was standing right there and as she held me against her, my body responded to her. I sheepishly told her that I was married and had to decline. I think she was a hair dresser or something. I looked over at her while I was leaving the place and grinned real big and said bye. When I woke shortly after I was doing that gasping for air thing.
Photo art by Jamie Vesta
February 1, 2016 
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.

Crop of photo by David Leyes

June 1, 2016
I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck Whibley and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. 

Photographer Unknown.

June 5, 2016 
I dreamed there were these odd people who turned up at my house. I wasn't sure what they wanted. They were there with a black pick-up truck and handed me the keys saying it was a gift for me. I was confused. I was shown in images all these things I could have chosen that were considered less than savory or less preferred and I had turned them all down. Apparently they were set-ups to see what I would do and what I would choose. I was shown that I was being rewarded with the gift of the truck for my good choices in those situations. They also offered me time with the people they sent. I want to say massages were offered but I declined yet thanked them for offering. I seem to recall seeing something like big flashy plastic costume jewelry everywhere. I wasn't sure why it was there. The women lingered behind. One was dark haired, very pretty and showed an interest in me. At first I politely declined her advances but then changed my mind and kissed her. With just the kiss I orgasmed. I don't remember much else about that part.

July 19, 2016
I have been dreaming that I am a hermaphrodite lately. On a spiritual meaning level it is a really great symbol of balance and integration of masculine and feminine. On an entirely human level it just seems strange in my waking state to think about. In the first one I had both penis and vagina and had sex with myself. In the second it was said that it was all internal and the doctors said it could be fixed. I said I didn't want to be "fixed", that I was fine as I was.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) as seen here.

Dream Journal Entry: January 19, 2017
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002)

I was dreaming I was in a car maybe. I seem to be having sex with a couple different women. They were doing things to me to pleasure me. It was my first lesbian experience and I just allowed it and felt what I was experiencing. After having been pleasured by them both, I felt it was my turn to reciprocate, but I was unsure of myself in the situation. I started kissing one girl who had kissed me first and she says I should kiss the other girl who had made me orgasm and saying something about how she herself was easy to love because of her appealing and nicely shaped body but that people like me should be given more love because our bodies were harder to love. That the main woman loved people like me more because of our imperfections. When I went to kiss the main woman, it became obvious why she liked people more who had imperfect bodies because she was imperfect as well. The first thing I noticed was she had no hair. She was bald. I kissed her and started to touch her. When I reached down between her legs, it was revealed that she had a penis and this was where she lacked physically because she didn't have a vagina. Obviously this didn't matter to me since I happen to like penis and I stroked her until she was hard enough to mount. She seemed pleased that I wasn't put off by her having a penis. We had sex and I see her again popping up later and surprising me. It seems she is self conscious and doesn't usually pursue people for a relationship but I see her in a meadow waiting for me wearing a crown of pine to make her blend in with the vegetation. She popped up to reveal her interest. It seems I am now seeing it from the outside as a scene and they have fast forwarded and there is really bad make-up trying to make them look old and showing them still together. They have a baby together too. 

The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.

When I went back to sleep, there was something about a guy I liked. He feels almost like the same one from the earlier dream only there doesn't seem to be gender confusion. He seems to like me but there is an issue with his ex-wife. She is trying to keep him there for herself to use him as she wishes. They (not sure who "they" are) want me to go in and wake him up and get him away from her. Once he is away from her, it will be better. I went upstairs​ to the bedroom where he was sleeping and had a couple skillets I was banging together to make a loud noise. The ex-wife wanted me gone and didn't want me to wake him. But I didn't stop. He started to rouse and saw me and smiled. We ended up having sex there and then and I think it was agreed that he would come live where I was living. He was going to come be with me. There was something about remembering three things about him but for the life of me I can't remember.

Additional Dream Clues:

These are just a few of the dreams I have had. There have been a lot. These are simply the ones that stand out in my mind. Consistently I have had dreams that reference people with the names "Thomas" and "Jim/James" over and over again. I have also had dreams referencing Chicago, Illinois and Gainesville, Florida. I just filed it all away and figured it might make sense some day. When I was looking for photos and quotes about gender neutrality for Instagram, I came across Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! but I totally didn't pay attention. It was while I was having a conversation with my friend, Ashely, from In My Sacred Space, about the whole men in dresses and transgender issue and she mentioned the band Against Me! and the lead singer. She mentioned that the music is really good too. I told her that I had come across them but didn't explore it further past reading a short blurb. It was because Ashley was bringing them up that I felt like this was a nudge to look further in that direction and so I did.


With each piece of little information I gained, I was blown away. Laura Jane Grace's name before transition was Thomas James Gabel. There were those two names I kept getting in dreams. Thomas spent years living in Gainesville, Florida but was now living in Chicago as Laura Jane Grace. I have consistently had crows and ravens showing up in both dreams and as signs and syncs in my day to day life. Laura is covered in tattoos of ravens and crows. And as you can see on my blog, I got really excited about learning about her and making all of these amazing connections.

What does it all mean?

I am not entirely sure yet but I am pretty sure we are connected on a deep soul level, but what can I possibly do about it? I guess that is the real million dollar question. I have tried reaching out to her, but she doesn't seem to remotely recognize me energetically which makes it pretty hard. The more I have come to know about her, the more I doubt my ability to connect with her. I had similar dreams that connected me to Dercyk Whibley from Sum 41, but he seemed to recognize my energy even if he didn't realize it was recognition. At the beginning, he was very responsive to me...maybe a little too responsive because it suddenly stopped one day even though I had said nothing at that point to offend. Oh I definitely said things later to provoke and offend, but that was more out of feeling hurt and confused about why I had been cut off when no one else had in that community. A dream indicated that he had been given an order to kill me and I considered his then fiance was insecure and told him to stop talking to me. For the three years I have gotten to know this character in the play. I know and understand that Deryck is loyal and faithful to those closest to him, so I can see him complying with her wishes. How was he to know we are connected on a soul level and how these actions would wound me deeply? Despite all of the hurt I felt, I tried to keep at it and reach him. Humor with him I found pretty effortless. I don't know why. I can easily be playful and silly with him and I have struggled to be playful in the same way with Laura and I don't know why. I sit there staring at the blank dialogue box with the cursor blinking and taunting me. I will start and then erase and just give up because if what I am writing bores the fuck out of me, surely it isn't worth posting.

What I know for sure my guides have asked me to do with both Deryck and Laura is to wake them up. With Deryck I got really frustrated with trying and had a dream at one point where I hid the radio alarm clock because I was sick of listening to it blaring and him not waking up. I was told then that "they" would not be happy that I had done that. In the recent dream that I feel was about Laura, I was banging two frying pans together by her to wake her up. I tried posting and tagging her after that, but all of my attempts to connect just fall flat. 

My guides ask the impossible of me. 

I am one...and they want me to reach out and wake these two celebrity people up so we can do the work we came here to do, but I just don't know how I can do this. Yes, work, not sex. Hahaha I know some of my dreams might make you think it is all about sex. Honestly, I think we interpret merging with the energy of others as sex because that is really the main reference point we have for that sort of thing in the physical. I definitely think it is about work, whatever that may look like, that we are meant to do together. Is it music related? That would be the logical deduction. That is what I think the baby in the last dream represents...something created together.

The task feels impossible...

...and yet I know it is possible.

I just haven't figured out which corridor in the maze is going to lead me there.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Collective Consciousness Concepts and Core Identity


We are ghosts inside a machine and most of you think this reality is real.

It isn't.

The Earth in here is the "False Mother" of the fairy-tale. We have been kidnapped and most of you don't even know because you think it is the only mother you have ever known. It isn't. We develop amnesia the minute we step inside the game to give the player the most realistic experience and they believe they are the characters they are playing. The only problem is, it worked so well that most people forgot that this is a game, an amusement park, a school and a virtual reality. We forgot who we really are at the core.

I could post countless article links here about some of the most intelligent people in this reality saying exactly the same thing about us living in a simulated virtual world. I could post articles about some of the most intelligent people explaining that two parallel universes are currently colliding which will make for some pretty weird shit happening. Most people, including me, don't click on the links so I will leave it to the reader to do their own research into the matter should they be so inclined.

Let's talk about concepts we hear a lot from the collective.

This is absolutely accurate but if you don't know what truth you are looking for, you will never see it. Artists of all kind often get in a "zone" to create and many will tell you, their art did not come from them, but was channeled through them. That is why you will find so many messages in the lyrics, the music, the movies, the images. When we leave the physical and go to the waiting station to re-enter the game, we remember who and what we are but it is no good to remember over there. You have to REMEMBER WHILE YOU ARE IN THE PHYSICAL in order to make a conscious free will choice to choose your really real life outside of the machine...per the rules of the programming and game. When we created those rules, we didn't think it was going to be that difficult for anyone to finally get there, but everyone who came in got TRAPPED. People, like me, came in to help get people out, but we got lost in amnesia too.

September 16, 2014
Went back to sleep and had this dream: There was something about what seemed like a video game. There was someone in there who had gone in to try to fix the game or shut it down because it had gotten out of control. The game was taking over. I would see her get her head shot off and then it would come back. There was something about some computer somewhere in a person's home that was going to blow and could take out a huge population. I can't remember if it was me or someone else who went in and simply shut down the computer. There was something about a wealthy family who were just kind of horrible and all they cared about was money. There was something about this square sort of trampoline put in place that would allow them to jump from their section to another. At one point I remember lying back in the grass in a lawn but these horrible people people who loved their money were bouncing into my yard and annoying me.

Comments: I believe fully this is a memory and showing me what I came here to do. I came in here to try to fix the game and if we can't fix it, we are going to shut it down. It was never meant to be the hell hole it has become. I have family in here and I intend to bring my family home to the really real world with me.

September 3, 2015
The dream jumps and I see these kind of white iridescent rings. They shimmer a kind of see through rainbow and they are spaced and equal distance apart. I am curious. It feels like I am in a building. I walk through this ring and I am sucked through and I am traveling at a fast speed. I had the thought "oh I remember this. This is a worm hole" and it is taking me around almost like a roller coaster ride. I am moving through solid objects. I am passing through an arcade and I think the destination might be inside this arcade game, but it is not and I go through the game. I eventually wind up in an area that looks like my reality but some people are talking about something that happened and speaking of it as a fairy-tale. Like my story from where I came from was a fairy-tale story in this one. I think I said something to the people that it was no fairy-tale and they were speaking about me. I was going to try to leave but now it is like I am two people with a tether....string...connecting us and there is a big ball on the end. We decide we need to go back to where we came from but the ball gets tangled and stuck when we throw it. I am working at trying to untangle us. It was like the string was tangled on a roller coaster rail. I finally got it enough and halved the string so there wasn't as much to get tangled and I threw the ball through the wormhole ring. We started to move but it was weak and not fast enough to take us out. We were stuck there. There was something about how the wormhole was stronger at certain times so we would have to wait until it had grown stronger again. We were stuck there until then in this alternate world that looked like ours but wasn't. The people were excited and gathered around us and offered to take us in. They were excited to have real live fairy-tale characters among them. We were a curiosity. I remember walking along with the group of people and looking to the right and seeing what looked like a gorilla like creature but it had tall antlers coming from its head. It was glowing white but looked to be a statue. I don't remember anything else.

Comments: If you regularly read my blog, you will have seen this dream before in my declaration that I am not human. In that blog I talk about having a body in stasis. I believe we all do, the ones that are not just programs, have a sleeping body in the really real world. The key here is stating that I go "through" the game. Splitting apart was the creating of polar opposites that created two parallel universes. When we embark on a journey back to ourselves and learn to love even the worst part of ourselves, we help heal the rift and bring the two universes back together as one. I am still in the process and drawing in and winding the string to my other self and bringing her into balance within me. We see evidence of the two different universes with the Berenstein Vs. Berenstain controversy. Until recently, old original copies of the STEIN spelling could not be found, Not long ago, I saw someone on IG post a photo of an old version she found at a garage sale which had the STEIN spelling. To me, this demonstrates the merging of the two polar opposite existences. My friend, Cynthia, told me about the Sindbad/Shazaam controversy. I was surprised to hear that this movie was apparently never made in the current reality even though I remember clearly this very bad movie existing. Sinbad himself swears it was never made. Now when we start seeing copies of Shazaam, it will be further proof of a merging happening. 

The more we embrace, understand and love our own shadow selves instead of rejecting, the more into balance we become and the more the two universes become one.

We tend to think this concept is simply to wake up to spirituality and wake up to what is really happening in the world. I hate to be the bearer of bad news to all those self-professed awakened and enlightened individuals, but you aren't even close to being awake. If you think your end goal is to sit around and meditate and reach for higher dimensions WITHIN THIS VIRTUAL REALITY, you are completely wrong. The whole reason this has been brought to the collective awareness is because WE ARE REALLY SLEEPING in the really real world and you need to be able to acknowledge this fact and search for who you are at the core and then choose your REAL LIFE over the FANTASY of the GAME.


All that shit means is beating the game and getting the fuck out of here. You hear about the "Kingdom of God" All God is in here is the navigator/creator of the game and his ass is stuck in here with the rest of us. "The Kingdom of God" is the really real world where he comes from, not this bullshit nightmare of a game.

In many spiritual practices, killing off the ego is a revered occupation, but why? The objective has been lost and these concepts meant to get us the fuck out of here have been turned into various religions and you have lost the meaning and end goal. The reason for burning away ego is not to become some passive little bliss ninny, but to burn away all the characters in the game you have ever played so that you can identify who is at the core....the REALLY REAL YOU. Our core identity is what we are reaching for but you have forgotten. You don't understand how to even look for those fragments that are trying to reach you every single day and you ignore them or explain them away.

In the sense that The Borg are all one, yes we are all one...all part of the machine but that is where it ends. This concept isn't really helpful in finding your core identity. In fact, it leads you away.

 Totally true, but they also have the ability to keep us trapped and prisoners here. While I am all for dreams and imagination, it is entirely possible for them to ensnare you when you get what you want and you don't want to give up the fantasy. During my spiritual journey, I really struggled to see in my head and imagine what I wanted. I asked myself why this was so hard since I spent so much time daydreaming as a favorite past time growing up. The conclusion I came up with is that I WANT SOMETHING THAT IS REAL. I don't want to manipulate and create the fantasy. I want it to be entirely organic and the free will choice of the players around me and not some thought/coding manipulation. I no longer long for the fantasy. I want authenticity. I want only the really real. I want out of the game.

What are we letting go of exactly? Emotions? People?  Beliefs? Identity? Ego? Things? The reason why this concept is so important is because you have to LET GO of your attachments to EVERYTHING that is part of the GAME...part of this VIRTUAL REALITY. In order to get to a point where you choose your really real life, you have to be willing to accept that the people around you that you love may not even be real family but actors also playing a role. You have to let go of every script and story you have ever played out in this game. You have to let go of anger, pain, sadness and wounds inflicted upon you. That requires forgiveness and acknowledging that NONE OF THIS IS REAL. You have to let go of the joy, bliss,contentedness and all of those precious beautiful moments. You have to let go of your need to be there for people. You have to let go of your need to make this virtual reality a better place. You have to let go of your need to heal your false mother Gaia. You have to let go of all of the things you have accumulated. You have to let go of all of the art you have created. Let go of fighting the good fight. Let go, let go, and keep letting go until all that is left is the core you and a desire to go home to your really real life. Any attachment you have to this reality will keep you TRAPPED here.

I think Trump is a wrecking ball designed to make everyone really uncomfortable and ask ourselves some really important questions like:

How can this possibly be real?

If we are all fucked, what is there left to do?

So before you go to bed tonight, ask yourself, "Who am I really?" It is entirely possible for you to get a glimpse of who you really are in a dream.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Follow the Right Rabbit, The Apocalypse is Now

I posted most of this on my social media accounts but I want to pull it all together in one place and maybe expound a bit.

Art by Alexander Jansson

This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.

The apocalypse is right now.

Please wake up. Remember who you really are and choose your real life.

apokalupsis: an uncovering

Original Word: ἀποκάλυψις, εως, ἡ
Part of Speech: Noun, Feminine
Transliteration: apokalupsis
Phonetic Spelling: (ap-ok-al'-oop-sis)
Short Definition: an unveiling, uncovering, revealing
Definition: an unveiling, uncovering, revealing, revelation.

Photo by Jacob Sutton

March 6, 2017  I dreamed of seeing and hearing a movie trailer and there was some dude's voice saying something about "Jackson is on an adventure but what he doesn't know is that it is a fantasy. Will Jackson choose his adventure or will he choose his real life?"

Later I dreamed something about how all of us combined create the veil and the more people choose their real life over the Adventure, the veil thins. When enough people choose their real lives, the veil completely falls away and we all wake up and go home. I want to go home. Come on people, wake the fuck up to who you really are, choose your real life so we can all go home.

March 28, 1996 I dropped some hair ties in the back of a toilet. I decided to retrieve my them from the open tank of the toilet. I pulled out a couple and then saw more and went to retrieve them. I had laid out the several hair ties and was trying to decide which were mine. I started to pick them up one by one and rinse them off. The latter ones I had picked up were hard and crusty and I could tell they were old, had been in there a long time, and weren't my hair ties. But as I held them, the dirt and crust fell away to reveal necklaces....four I think. I cleaned each one up and then looked at each closely. One appeared to be quite valuable. I asked to speak to a woman I thought might know who it belonged to. The first woman told me another woman would be with me in a little while. In the mean time, I showed the first woman the necklaces. The one of value was quite old and belonged to an Indian tribe up in the mountains. So I was going to take it to this tribe that it belonged to, but as I stood there waiting for the second woman to come out, an Indian brave appeared in full old style dress on horseback. He was beautiful and I knew he had come for what I had found. Before I could say anything or offer it to him, he had effortlessly taken it from my left hand. At this point in the dream the necklace had turned into a scarf like with trinkets on it (stones, shells, etc.). I think I said something to him like, "Please do take it back to your people. It belongs to them. I was going to go up the mountain to take it to them myself, but now I don't have to since you've come." He disappeared. The second woman came out and asked to see what I found. I told her it was gone and what had happened. Then I was told that what I had found was "The Veil of the Huron" or something like that. I was also told that it was valuable not only in price but also believed to hold magical powers. I think I was told that I shouldn't have given it to the brave, but given it to them. But I felt okay and it felt right to me that they had their veil back.

Comments: For years I tried to understand what this dream meant. I always knew it was powerful, but it wasn't until now that I understand. The Veil has two meanings. It is both referring to the veil that keeps us here in a cloud of forgetfulness and the bridal veil that the necklace turned into. The bridal veil was a cue for me to remember my true and real husband in the real world where I lay sleeping.

Art by Kinga Britschgi

So you know all those people on a "twin flame" adventure? That only serves to distract you from finding your way back to you and the organic real life. In this virtual reality, it is pieced together with our own fantasies and thoughts. That is why thought creates. Carrying out any grand mission/storyline is yet another distraction to keep you from what your true end goal should be. Those of us who hear those on the other side...well they aren't spirits at all. We are hearing through the veil. We lay sleeping and people are having conversations around us and we are hearing them.

Many religions keep us from finding ourselves by creating fear, self loathing, and guilt. Woo woo new age philosophies keep us just as clouded by asking us to live only in every now moment. They ask us to keep our vibrations up and plaster a smile and be happy always. Had I adhered to what they always prescribed, I would have never found my way to the end of the maze.

You are reaching for some lofty goal of "ascension" and a "new earth" or the "return of Jesus" and "heaven on Earth" and they are nothing but smoke and mirrors to keep you focused on everything but what you should. You are busy meditating the world into a better place while the religious folks are busy praying it into existence because some magical man in the sky is going to fix it all. It kind of sounds a lot like the Wizard of Oz, don't you think?

You have been lied to about the "afterlife". The afterlife as you know it is actually a recycling center meant to keep you on the hamster wheel you keep running on. Your "higher dimensions" in here are just more of the same...a virtual reality. You are trying so hard to reach higher dimensions in here but it is still all just ones and zeros. Everything in here is code and every perceived dimension is the same code and NONE OF IT IS REAL

It isn't that there is some big bad evil, really. I just think that when the game was designed, no one knew how hard it would be to get back out and we have been trying ever since the first ones went in to get people out of the game.

This is like Fantasy Island on crack...only it is more like hell now because that is what y'all have been creating with those thoughts rattling around in your brains. Suffering and struggle isn't natural to us. We don't actually need those things to grow because we are a pretty evolved species. We created this place that all of you think is real, afterall. Some of your top scientists marvel and wonder what kind of advanced species created such a complicated computer simulation. So it stands to reason we have evolved far beyond how primitive it is here.

It was originally designed to be like your amusement parks. It was supposed to be fun but quickly turned into something very different when people couldn't remember and get out.

All of you have a real family at home who misses you. Part of what you have to do is let go of all of your attachments to the virtual reality. Let go of your need and desire of the material shit. Let go of all the emotional baggage. Let go of your attachments to the character you are currently playing and have played and all of the other characters in your play. Let go of even your love for this virtual planet and all its beauty. Let go of the fighting the good fight for every single cause and even let go of the need to "be there for your loved ones". The need to not leave because you have children who need you or whatever reason is a trap. It is a sure way to boomerang back. They are characters in the play. You are a character in the play. When you let go of your attachments and start to discover who you really are, you will get to leave the game.

Right now we are so busy trying to save the planet, fighting for our rights, fighting a wall, fighting deportation, fighting pollution, fighting an oil pipeline, fighting each other and fighting and fighting and fighting. And all of the fighting only keeps us distracted from what you really need to be looking at closely. You need to unravel the signs, syncs and information you are being given to help you remember who you really are in the real world.

As soon as enough people choose their real life over the fantasy in this virtual reality, the veil drops and we all get to go home.

I offer you something new that isn't religion or woo woo spirituality. I offer you the apocalypse. I offer you a way out of this virtual reality.

What will you choose? Your virtual family and adventure or your real family and real home?

One door leads to an important mission. One door leads you to your "one true love" and one leads you back to yourself and your real organic life. Which will you choose?

When I was a child, the song Hotel California always left me feeling deeply disturbed and now I know why:

Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place (Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
They livin' it up at the Hotel California
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Bring your alibis

Mirrors on the ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And she said "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device"
And in the master's chambers,
They gathered for the feast
They stab it with their steely knives,
But they just can't kill the beast

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
"Relax, " said the night man,
"We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave! "

I choose me.

I choose home.

I choose my real life.

I want to go home to my real family.

Art by Alexander Jansson

"I cannot understand why you should wish to leave this beautiful country and go back to the dry, gray place you call Kansas."
"That is because you have no brains," answered the girl. "No matter how dreary and gray our homes are, we people of flesh and blood would rather live there than in any other country, be it ever so beautiful. There is no place like home."
The Scarecrow sighed.
"Of course I cannot understand it," he said. "If your heads were stuffed with straw, like mine, you would probably all live in beautiful places, and then Kansas would have no people at all. It is fortunate for Kansas that you have brains."

L. Frank Baum, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (Oz, #1)

Thursday, March 2, 2017

I Am Not This Reality

Photo by Willy Suwandhi

I had a dream last night that was basically showing me that none of this was real. This is a virtual reality designed to be a school. That is why I get so often the school theme...because it really is and it is to teach us not to be assholes in here so that we aren't assholes out there. None of us probably spend as much time in here as we think.

Dream after dream I have had about two puzzles that I was trying to put together. I would get so frustrated and put the puzzles away. I will include some of those dreams below:

November 8, 2013 Also there was something about a puzzle. I put a puzzle together but there were all these other pieces like there had been a second puzzle in the box. I put the pieces of the second puzzle back in the box but bits of earth and moss went in with the pieces. I carefully took out the chunks of moss and moist soil and put it around the base of a mailbox (communication?). There were worms mixed in the soil and I noticed a single caterpillar. None of it was gross and wasn't trying to discard it, but was trying to separate it carefully so that I didn't lose any of the pieces of the second puzzle. I woke up before I had a chance to put together the second puzzle. There was a micro cd played but i can't remember what the music was.

August 17, 2014 There were puzzle pieces in my purse but only a couple pieces fit. All the pieces seemed like sky and border pieces because they were all blue. There wasn't a complete puzzle and I wasn't even sure if the pieces were part of the same puzzle. 

January 23, 2015 I was in the water doing puzzles and I think Nuno was in the water with me. I decided to put the puzzle away because I wasn't going to have time to finish it before I got out of the pool, so I started to put it away. I think I remember seeing Dan Reed's face as part of the puzzle. But then suddenly the water pulled back and then went forward and straight up leaving us really high up in the air and when it came down we crashed onto the floor and were hurt. Nuno and I went off somewhere to nurse our wounds. 

September 11, 2015 There was also a dream about puzzles. There were two puzzles...a large one on the table and a smaller one on the floor. Come to find out they were my puzzles I had been working on. Another girl was there helping me put pieces in place. Sometimes when I went to put a piece in place in the larger one, bits would slide off the table and I would have to reassemble it. The smaller one on the floor was mostly together except smaller pieces. There was something about some woman mentioning how red my lipstick was and it was as red as her own and she moves forward to kiss me. 

September 30, 2015 There was something about puzzle pieces and doing puzzles and two puzzles getting mixed up together. I tried to keep them apart but at one point just didn't care and put both puzzles away. 

And that is exactly the problem I have faced with all of this. I have pieces of memory coming in about who I really am and my actual life and I have pieces about the role I am performing here and the assignments I have been given. I have been trying to make my real life fit into the puzzle of my virtual life and it has confused the fuck out of me to no end. 

 I think I am finally starting to get it. It is about fucking time because I am tired and cranky. Lol

We have to play out our roles, solve the problems and collect the bits for the experience and tools it gives us, kind of like with any game. Are we actually all one? Are you actually another version of me? Are Adam and Eve actually the same being? I don't know. In the game only I think they are the same being. In my real reality, my partner/spouse is playing the Lucifer character. My over there cousin is performing the role of Adam.

What I know for sure is there isn't a big bad virus to fight other than one perhaps programmed for us to defeat just as there is always a big bad at the end of any game. We are nearing the end of the game.

My gamer story has revealed the story-line I am playing out is that of Eve and later Mary, mother of Yeshua. A multitude of players can come in and play out those same roles and story lines simultaneously just as we do in any role playing game. You get to choose the characters you play and the lessons for each player will look different according to what choices we have made along the way. We are playing out all the possibilities of outcomes. That means it is possible there is an Adam/Yeshua who simply cannot grow or take responsibility for himself and his life. What if his Eve/Mary's lesson is to let go, set him free and nurture herself in a loving way. There could be countless Eve/Mary's here in this reality all playing out different possibilities.

Instead of saying "we are all one" maybe the truest phrase would be "we are all connected" exactly like the flower of Life.

There is beauty in our uniqueness and separateness. Religion is too far in one direction and new age spirituality is too far in the other

The key is balance.

It always has been but our pendulums have been wildly swinging back and forth. The truth is not in one extreme or the other. The truth is in the middle.

So fight the good fight and save this virtual world or look inside yourself for your answers and ask yourself some important questions:

1. Who am I really?
2. What is the mission my character came for? In other words, what scene are you supposed to be playing out and what are you supposed to be learning? If you aren't asking yourself in all moments "What am I supposed to be learning from this?" Then you are not doing the assignments you signed up for in this virtual reality school.

In order to recognize what needs to be worked on and learned, you have to see the patterns in your life that keep coming back over and over. Once you recognize the patterns, you can then make different choices instead of repeating the same actions over and over again.

When you finally get what I have only just come to understand, you can breathe a sigh of relief and then tackle each moment in life as the challenge in the game that it actually is and learn what those moments are asking you to learn. You can choose to be distracted by Trump, the whole world going to hell or you can focus on getting the fuck out of the game and graduating.

So when you no longer see me getting worked up about the state of the world, it is because I understand now that the only fight I have always faced is within. I have learned a lot along the way and can now extract the lessons I struggled to accept. It has always been a journey back to myself, I just didn't always know it until now.

Don't you think you should stop fighting and start looking to the lessons you are meant to learn so that you can graduate and go home?

Did you hear that? It is the sound of the alarm clock ringing. What will you choose?

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

You Attract What You Are

I posted on Facebook and Instagram about the varying degrees of depth and intelligence of the different audiences for different bands. I stated that my experience had led me to the conclusion that bands attract the kind of audiences that they themselves are. This is also true for us as individuals.

The people who are being drawn to you are in some way the same as you.

My husband once made a comment about how I seemed to be a magnet for broken, abused and traumatized people who have a lot of issues. He said this as though I was somehow different from the people who were drawn to me. I looked at him and laughed and said, "They are drawn to me because I am like them. I have been abused and traumatized and have lots of issues too." And then I reminded him, "Just remember, you are one of the people I attracted." Now there is food for thought.

Let's talk about what we are attracted to. I think attraction can serve us in multiple ways. We are often attracted to people and situations where we can reinact the dysfunctional relationship we had with whichever or both parents in childhood. Let's say your parent was verbally abusive to you. You then go out and find partners and sometimes friends who will repeat the pattern you experienced in childhood of verbal abuse. It isn't until we start to work through all of those patterns that we can face it and make different choices that are self loving and nurturing choices. If you grew up feeling unsupported, you will continually attract to yourself situations and people in which you feel unsupported until you face your issues and work through them. It may be possible that you aren't actually unsupported at all but it is simply a story you keep playing out in your perception.

When I started hanging around the Sum 41 community, it certainly was not attraction that led me there. Sum 41 had never been on my radar and I would not have gone there on my own based on attraction. I was directed there by my guides and Deryck was an assignment I was given. I groaned to my guides and was not pleased about it but I diligently did the work they were asking me to do until I could go no further and now I have been released from that assignment. In a dream I saw it as giving up a little blonde boy for adoption. I took this as a green light to go in a new direction and let it go. There has been such relief in the letting go because I was always fishing for deep water fish in what turned out to be a toilet. The main thing my fishing venture turned up was shit....aside from the personal growth I achieved from the experience. And, perhaps, that was really all it was about.

Now let's give contrast. I have done a lot of work on my inner self and learning to love me completely. When I stumbled upon Laura Jane Grace, there was an instantaneous attraction. The Sum 41 fans call Sum 41 "punk" but they are so not punk. And even them being called "pop punk" is a stretch. Deryck will tell you that they are a rock band and this is more true, but the punk label persists.  So when I heard Laura Jane Grace's band, Against Me! for the first time, I got really excited because this was REAL punk. This is what you think of when you think of punk. It was raw and very real. After listening to the music, I was intrigued and wanted to learn more which is when I started watching interviews. It was then that I fell absolutely in love with this woman. I am talking about real love with romantic feelings to boot. But the interesting observation I made about what I was feeling is this:

She is SO much like me!

It was uncanny discovering all of these similarities about us like what we stand for, our character, our fears and the things we value. She has so much depth, is open, raw and real. She is willing to speak openly about herself and her life to help others. She isn't afraid to have opinions about world issues and to speak out about them. And when I learned of our mutual love for coffee, I considered proposing marriage to her then and there. Nevermind that I am already married. We can work something out. LOL

It dawned on me that by falling head over heels in love with Laura Jane, I had actually fallen madly in love with me and that is a really beautiful thing to be able to come to a point on your journey where you realize the enormous growth and progress you have made.

What are your attractions (be it them to you or you to them) trying to teach you about yourself?

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Labels in Sexuality

Recently I was reflecting on various dreams I had with a specific theme. I shared a few of them on Instagram. The most recent one was about a trans woman. During my search for good quotes about gender neutrality, I stumbled upon someone I knew nothing about until that moment. Her name is Laura Jane Grace and she is the front woman for the punk band, Against Me!. She is transgender, male to female. I watched one of her interviews and, I am not afraid to admit, I developed a huge crush on her after watching that interview. While I find her physically attractive, it wasn't her appearance that reeled me in like a fish on a hook. It was her presence, her energy, who she is and what she stands for. I saw someone who is a lot like me in many ways and I was excited about it. The more I learned about her the more I fell in love with her.

Now at this point I think it is important to point out that for the last 48 years, I have identified myself as "straight". I have never experimented. I have never been with a woman. So to suddenly find my mind wandering and thinking about Laura Jane and the "what ifs" took me by surprise.

What if I dated Laura Jane, a trans woman, what would I be called? Lesbian? Bi-sexual? And then I got annoyed that a label would be needed at all.

Sexuality labels are used to advertise a preference for one or the other. But what about bi, you might ask. Well bi means "two" and I think there are many variations of gender and gender identification. What if you don't identify with gender at all? Bi-sexual is still limiting.

My mental meanderings wandered to the spiritual side of sexuality and this is where I feel it gets interesting. The more spiritually developed you become, the more open you become because you know our true form has no gender at all. You understand that love is love and there should be no shame in two adults being intimate and loving each other regardless of their gender identification. You no longer limit yourself to one gender or another. You base your decisions on how you feel and those on the spiritual journey are much more inclined to fall in love with a SOUL and not limit themselves based on the temporary vehicle we drive for awhile which we call a body.

As I said on Instagram, Soul doesn't have a gender but we experience all of these lives in both male and female bodies to experience contrast. Doesn't it stand to reason that eventually the lines start to blur as we start to wake up and remember who we really are, as we remember our genderless natural state of being and as we come into balance?

Love is love.

I am not my body.

My sexuality is "open".

I Love You

I love you.
And I can love in whatever way you need me to.
I don't care if you are male or female.
I don't care if you are rich or poor.
I don't care how you wear your hair or what clothes you choose to wear.
I don't care if you are young or old.
I don't care what color or ethnicity you are.
I don't care what size or shape your body is.
I don't care if you have a religion or a political party.
The you I love is none of those things.
But while we are both here in the physical, I can love you in whatever form you need.
I can love you as a friend, as a mother, as a sister and as a lover.
I have already loved you as all of those and more in previous lives, so I can love you in whatever way you need in this lifetime, in this now moment.

Written January 20, 2017
By Oktobre Taylor

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Those Dastardly Shadows

Photo by Emilio Jimenez
Recently I have taken on something new with my posts that I share on Instagram and Facebook. I have attempted to illustrate lyrics from songs I love. I tend to post a series of three things that are connected either visually or by subject matter in the quotes so this new attempt could fit right in to what I do. Mind you, I do this for no other reason than because I enjoy it. I enjoy this form of self expression.

My most recent shares illustrated a song I love from Them Crooked Vultures. And yes, my boyfriend, Dave Grohl, was part of that project. lol But nevermind  that. It is a brilliant album that really hits the spot right now. The first song on the album called "No One Loves Me & Neither Do I" is wonderful on a melodic and riff level and the lyrics make me giggle every time. I especially like the lines "You can keep your soul, I don't wanna soul mate" These words kept repeating in my head and images started to emerge of the woman who would say those words and I just knew I had to put illustration to lyric. The images I selected were women portrayed in a dominatrix role.

I knew while I was selecting the photos that they could be pushing the envelope a bit for my Facebook audience. The audience on Instagram is highly dependent on what tags you choose to use for a photo. I waffled on whether or not I would include my Facebook friends in these shares and in the final moments I laughed mischievously and said "fuck it" and pressed the little Facebook icon and pressed "share".

My Facebook friends are made up of real life friends, family members, former employers, mommy friends, a few young budding minds and a whole lot of spiritual people. Collectively they are all over the board as far as their openness to appreciating these images is concerned. I predicted I would lose a friend or two and I was right. I figure the cream will rise to the top and stick around.

Photo by Koray Parlak

It is because I hesitated and was concerned about what people might think that I ultimately chose to share the images with both social media audiences. I know many might assume I have come to that point where those thoughts of other people's opinions never creep in to influence my choices, but even the most seasoned practitioners of "not giving a fuck" are not immune to having those thoughts pop up when we are at the border of a comfort zone and faced with a choice of crossing the border or staying comfortable.

I had another motive as well for sharing this series. I had just shared a series of three talking about passion, love and sex. The images of couples were soft, pretty and poignant. I wanted to give a taste of the shadow side to this theme for balance and contrast. Shadows are an important part of life and our shadow selves should be embraced and given love rather than rejected. And I am not saying go out and act on criminal impulses. If your shadow side is harming another, then it needs to be put in check and you need to come to a place of understanding about where the impulses stem from so that you can heal what needs to be healed for you. But for most people, their shadows selves is really relatively benign and more about what people will think of them if people knew it existed.

I am neither only light or only dark. I am both equally. There is a darker side to my light and I love it and embrace it. I am a multifaceted being and I have many interests. Why should I limit myself based on what I think people might think of me? I shouldn't and neither should you.

Love your shadows.

Live out in the open.

Be you unedited.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Why I Will Never Be a Skumfuk, The Power of Words

Since I have started participating in the Sum 41 community, I often wonder what Sum 41 fans called themselves before the Screaming Bloody Murder album which was released March 25, 2011. It was, by that time, their sixth album. Their first album was released in 2000. On the album is a song called "Skumfuk" and fans adopted this term to refer to themselves. As the t-shirt says in the photo of Deryck "PROUD TO BE A SKUMFUK" and many of his fans adhere to this slogan and happily proclaim they are "Skumfuks". Many go so far as to tattoo it on their person.

I have always maintained I will NEVER claim to be a Skumfuk. I will explain my reasons why in this blog post.

Words are a funny thing. Some words seem shocking to the string of profanities I sometimes utter without blinking an eye like they are filler words as common as "and"and "um". I don't look like that sort of girl to have such a potty mouth. Words are what I use for my artistic medium and words have power. We use words in communication. We use words to identify ourselves. We can use words to harm or heal. Every single day words go through our heads quietly and sometimes those words are negative self talk. We use words to degrade ourselves and each other and sometimes we aren't even aware we are doing it. Self-deprecation becomes as natural as breathing. Someone gives us a compliment and we squirm and negate it by saying something negative about ourselves.

"You are so talented. I love your drawing!"

"I think I suck but thanks anyway."

"You are beautiful."

"You think so? I hate my nose and I wish my hair was straight, but thanks anyway."

There are so many ways we are cruel to ourselves and put ourselves down and we don't even realize it as we think it is harmless. Adopting degredating words to identify ourselves is another way of doing that because if you really look at the words and what they mean, you will understand and hopefully never again identify with a word, phrase or term that is dis-empowering.

Let's look at the word Skumfuk which breaks down to "scum" and "fuck".
Impurities and a foul filmy covering mixed with a sense of disgust. Hmmm and this is what fans are calling themselves without giving it a second thought. This is what the band themselves are now calling the fans.

Now let's take a look at the lyrics of the song the term comes from:


Take the pictures off the wall
Erase the thoughts, forget them all
The choice is yours to save yourself
Or in the hands of someone else

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]

Broken thoughts and alibis
Conscience disappears in time
Voices are all that I can show
And all that I have is a soul

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [x4]


You're a set-up to fail
You're a dead-beat on parade
With a foot in the gutter
And the other in the grave
You've cooked your silver spoon so black
So die

What can I say?
Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,
When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,
As the one and only resident scumfuk.
A victim or just a tragedy?

I hear you talk
But I don't hear you speak.
You don't make sense,
Your mind is incomplete.

I can't believe all the things that you say.
You just can't get enough.
We'll all be waiting here just for the day
That your time is up.

What can I say?
Guess it's obvious you would end up this way,
When you live amongst the dead.

The best of luck,
As the one and only resident scumfuk.
A victim or just a tragedy?

All that I need is time for me to breathe.
Dream little dreams that only I believe.
Now that I see beyond the light,
I know I'll be, I'll be alright.

Firstly, let me say that I love this song. The whole album is one of my favorites. I don't know about Deryck, but I know when I write my poetry, often the "you" I am speaking to is myself. To me it seems obvious that Deryck is speaking to himself and this is about his battle with his addiction which is what the line "You've cooked your silver spoon so black" is a direct reference to...addiction. How many times have we seen in movies images of a drug user cooking the drug before injecting it. This is a song about knowing how lost he is and not knowing how to pull himself out. There is self-degradation all over it and beating himself up over his path of self-destruction.

With all of this in mind, I see the term "Skumfuk" to be one of self-degradation and one that keeps speaking over and over again of the battle he was losing with himself and how much he hated himself for it. Why would I ever want to identify with a phrase or word that holds so much heartache, sadness, and struggle?

I will not.

Not ever.

So should you choose to identify with a word, a phrase or label, really look at it to see what energy it holds and decide if it is empowering or dis-empowering and then make your choice. Dis-empowering words and phrases work on a subconscious level. It doesn't happen suddenly. It happens gradually and then you one day realize you are in a deep dark hole and wonder how you got there. Little did you know that each negative word you spoke to yourself was a scoop of dirt making your hole deeper.

Choose your words wisely.