Keys

Recently, I've been obsessed with buying old skeleton keys. Every time I go to a vintage store, I search for old skeleton keys. I had no idea why until last night.

Last night I dreamed about going to a prison and providing the tools and means for everyone to break free from their confines. I woke up, thought about the dream and then went back to sleep where I basically had the exact same dream. 

I considered the potential meaning of what I saw and then it dawned on me what the keys represent that I have been obsessed with collecting.

The keys represent the tools and means to free my internal prisoners, the parts of me that have been caged. With each affirmation that I give and repeat to myself, with each outing I take to explore and enjoy my "right here, right now", I am giving my internal prisoners the means to break free.

🗝️"Everything always works out for me. I am very lucky."

🗝️"Unexpected abundance comes to me daily."

🗝️"True love exists outside of me because true love exists within me."

🗝️"I am loved and supported."

Each one of these is a mantra, an affirmation that is a key to free different aspects of self.

Recently, I have added, "Everything I spend or give away comes back to me threefold."

I've added this new key to help me move past the guilt and shame I have always felt for spending anything for "frivolities" and "unnecessary items". I have lived for a very long time in a mental state of lack where there's always a fear of not having enough money to take care of needs let alone little luxuries. I have deferred my needs to make sure other people's needs were met.

In recent months, my daughter and I go off on small adventures where we explore areas of our metro area we haven't explored before, shop vintage stores for little trinkets and pause to have a meal at a restaurant. I believe these little acts of kindness to myself have helped start to heal a part of me who has lived from a place of lack.

I have felt a lot of anger over my husband abruptly moving in with his affair partner. When I was not raging or triggered, I asked myself what the true face of my rage was, because I don't actually care he has found someone else. The source of my rage came from fear. I couldn't see it at first. My rage was from fear of becoming homeless because my whole life became destabilized by his actions. My rage came from fear of the future and the uncertainties. 

Once I recognized where my rage was stemming from, I was able to start to dismantle it through the keys I have been giving my internal prisoners.  I am learning to not worry, to believe everything will always work out for me. I am learning to believe that abundance comes to me easily. I don't have to live from a place of fear and lack ever again.