A Raw Look at Processing Internal Roadblocks

"From a Dream" by Hans Zatzka

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." 

Rumi

My friend, Lindsay, and I work together a lot on processing and working through what needs to be worked through on any given day. Some days she gets quite an earful from me while I am trying to figure something out. The below is dialogue I sent to her while she is at work. She hasn't even read it yet, but as I was typing, I knew I was coming to an important self discovery. I was finally coming to an epiphany that will help change my life so I thought I would share my mental gymnastics with all of you.

Step inside my mind:

April 24, 2016 9:13am
I watched a documentary called Jesus in India before I went to bed so it wasn't entirely surprising that I dreamed of India and Indians. 

It felt like a class almost but not really. There was a group of Eastern Indians and they were doing a physical assessment of me. It was an unusual assessment because they were touching me and smelling me but I was also supposed to be learning from this experience. It was fascinating and then they gave their recommendation. There was some issue with my left foot and some supplement type things that came in the form of little Indian candies were suggested. There were three things mentioned but I can't remember what they were. I made mention about an Indian grocer and where it was located and their eyes lit up and they were surprised I knew about it. I explained that my husband was half Indian. I talked about his relatives that were still in Ranchi. I expressed how excited I was to watch them do this process to other people because I wanted to learn what they were doing. I also mentioned Chinese medicine and the whole idea of yin/yang imbalances and said I was pretty sure that my imbalance leaned toward more masculine than feminine. 

The dream seems to progress and again it feels like a class and we are assigned specific positions based on the assessments we had earlier. It feels like my color was green and pink. I think I mentioned the heart chakra having the same colors. It feels like there is a small group of us. I can't remember the other colors. I do remember there was a guy in the group and some girl made mention she thought he and I would end up together because we seemed to be in each other's orbit. I didn't deny it but didn't acknowledge it either. I seem to witness some ritual or lesson. I was interested in it and then I see two or three of my classmates performing a ritual and I commented asking how they knew how to do what they were doing because it hadn't been shown to us yet. I was surprised. I had some knowing that what they were missing for this ritual was me and this other guy. Like we were the central part of it and they were practicing it in anticipation for performing it. I had some knowing that he and I had to come together to create something. I went back to the location of this ritual planning to complete it on my own. I think it was at that point one of our group members says she was leaving. She said she had the tools she needed and that is all it was really about...that I could stay and complete the task if I wish but she was going. I see myself in this small area getting ready to perform whatever it was and I am holding something...a white cloth. It feels like seeds might be inside. I don't remember much else about the dream. There was another part of the dream where I seem to recall the color red but I can't remember what happened. Maybe it will come back to me later.

Basically what the dream tells me is 1. My assignment IS love and partnership and 2. My partner is MIA

I don't know. I am still trying to figure out what belief inside is holding up abundance and financial security.

I was just processing.

Painting by Hans Zatzka

And I considered that Inara's father doesn't value me. But I chose him. I chose him because I didn't value me when we started this. Back then he matched my internal.

But I value myself and know my own worth.....
Hmmmm...
Maybe that is it, maybe I don't actually know my own worth and I am "selling myself short".

Because the money always seems to come up short.

So I chose a situation where ends wouldn't meet because I am selling myself short. I need to understand and accept my own value.

Sorry... processing this here.

"Arabian Nights" by Hans Zatzka

Thing is, if I could gain independence, I am fairly certain I would be completely okay with being single and alone. Having the financial security that would afford me the opportunities to do things, go places and have adventures, I would be less inclined to seek a partner. I do like my own company very much.

If I change my internal beliefs, the opportunity, which I believe my partner will offer me, will be able to come to me. We set it up so that we HAVE to work with a partner because I knew I wouldn't seek one otherwise. If I had the financial security and independence, I wouldn't complete what needs to be completed with a partner.

I think where the problem lays is not wanting to come off as an ego maniac in knowing my own worth and value. It is necessary to find the middle ground.

September 7, 2017
Oh yeah, I just remembered a bit where some old woman came by and there was something about pennies. I can't remember if I gave them to her or she gave them to me, but somehow she had passed off this cart full of money of deposits people had made. I was pushing it around not knowing what to do with it. I am not sure why it upset me so but I was starting to cry about it. I didn't want the responsibility because I didn't know what to do with it. There was a big pile of money in the middle of this room and I finally found someone who knew what to do with it and I was happy to give it to them.

The dream where I was given all of this money and it upset me a lot. I was happy to hand it off to someone else. It was showing me two things: I didn't want the responsibility of "saving" anyone else and by not wanting the responsibility, I also was showing I didn't understand my own value and what it could mean to others. Basically, if I can figure it out ..how to work through the internal blocks so that what we want can manifest in the external, then I can share my example with the world and help transform the lives of others. Leading through example. But I have to accept the responsibility on a larger scale and have been internally dragging my feet.

"Oath of Love" by Hans Zatzka

Maybe *I* am the one who is late to the party because I am still trying to figure it out. It will all open up with ease when I sort out the internal blocks keeping me from the life I want.

Bloggity Blog, I Caught a Frog...

...in my throat chakra.

This blog post is me clearing my throat chakra.

How did you like my dramatic exit with the previous blog post? Lol

In the spiritual world, we would not call what I had a "breakdown" but a "tower moment". Most of the spirtually initiated are familiar with the Tower card in a traditional tarot deck. Basically it is a card that tells you, "Yep, you are fucked. Shit is going to fall apart for you." A lot of people freak out if they draw a tower card for themselves.

I drew this very card days before I would have my Tower moment. I had just started following an artist on Instagram who had recently created a deck. She shared the entire deck as a video that flips quickly through each card. The viewer is asked to do a screenshot and see what card they get. I got the Tower card.

Cocorrina & Co

I didn't feel particularly worried because I have been through a plethora of Tower moments since I started this journey. But this one....this one was different. It was like it leveled me and I stood in the rubble that was myself feeling unsure of where to go or what to do next.

During my time away, I had conversations with friends,  continued to have meaningful dreams I would write down and did a lot of self reflection and processing.

I learned something about myself.

I am steeped in spirituality. It makes up every particle of my being now. Even when I want to give up and be entirely done with it all, I can't stop seeing the messages. I can't stop interpreting all that I see and experience. I can't stop talking about it and sharing it with others even if it is only one or two people privately. My new knowledge is part of every room in the house that I call "me". The knowledge has given me new eyes to see with and I can't stop myself from now seeing the whole world differently around me.

An example of this was something I recalled, privately, to a friend. It happened yesterday.

I saw a grossly overweight woman today walk into Starbucks this afternoon. She had difficulty walking. I sat there thinking, "She feels so much and never expresses it. She holds it all in. I could help people like her if I had a platform to share what i know." 

The weight is everything we don't release. If people knew and understood how to do it constructively, they could release so much of what is manifesting as fat in the physical. People look at fat people and think food is the problem and it really isn't. 

It is what we feel and how we deal with it.
I think when we start to express ourselves and balance, we naturally start to gravitate to making different choices for our bodies. 

Like me giving up coffee. I gave it up because it was hurting my stomach so much. I thought about the message that had. Coffee is dark and bitter in it's unenhanced state. So I can no longer stomach the dark and bitter so I was letting it go because it hurts me too much to hold onto it.

After having a day of being bedridden for 24 hours with severe head pain and throwing up anytime I stood, a different friend suggested I focus on my family.  I was so surprised at how profound my response to her ended up being  that I saved it so I could remind myself of my own words. I need to hear and see those words often when I forget.

Physically I am good. I'm giving up coffee so I should be better.

If you were locked away in a prison cell, would your mind not seek to leave the confines of that cell? The only imbalance is that I have grown and my environment has not grown with me. Maybe it takes some time for the outer world to take shape and materialize in the physical, but I am confident it is happening, I just have to learn patience. It is a hard lesson when some days I feel more like Veruca Salt (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) stamping my feet saying, "Daddy, I want it! Give it to me, NOW!" 

I spend 24/7 with my daughter. She is my family and we talk constantly about everything. I guess if we are talking about balance, I need to venture out and create other face to face relationships with some grown-ups. I have no in person friends. 

It has been an extremely hard journey and I have definitely felt extreme exhaustion at times, but I actually feel pretty good right now. 

I feel like I am at a place now where I need "different". The other day when I had to go walk to the store, we went to a different store and walked a different route and just that little variation made both Inara and I feel better. I made a deal with her that we both need to make an effort to do at least one thing different every day and before you know it, all of those little differences make your whole life different than it was before.

For now, while I am poor, I will have to settle for little differences like walking to a different store.

I hope all is well with you and you get encouraging results from your exams. Thank you for caring.

I expounded on those thoughts a little with my friend, Lindsay.

Little Differences feels a little like a snake wiggling out of his old skin. It takes time but with each wiggle, he gets more and more out of the old skin.

I woke up this morning after my dream realizing my guy has been with all of the people I have encountered...even the "mistakes". He has been there with me all along in spirit like an ocean wave moving me along. There is no judgement except our own, really. I mean I could be hard on myself and dwell on the "mistakes" but the important thing is that I learned from them. 

How we react and respond to a situation determines whether or not we will have to repeat the lesson. 

On the drive home from the beach yesterday, I was thinking about how part of my current issue is that I don't feel comfortable saying "follow me" when I am not really at the proverbial "there" myself. I'm still trying to figure shit out as I go along. I still fuck up a lot....but I learn and I gain and I change, which really isn't a bad thing.

I really am trying to be a better version of me in any given moment as I go travel on my path.

I am back...sort of...but I am not entirely sure how that will take shape and look like. I don't think I can just pick up the strings I dropped and repeat the method of delivering my story in completely the same way as before.

Something feels different inside.

And so "different" is what I will embrace to move forward to create a "different" life.

Don't Follow Me

I made a mistake today. It was minor but it made me wonder if the whole of the past seven years has been series of mistakes and misinterpretations.

For all of the following the guidance and clues I was given, I don't have shit to show for it.

Whoo hoo! Internal growth.

Isn't that grand?

It's not enough.

I think I probably know nothing except that I just want to be done.

Dreams: Archangels

Art by Marc Fishman

Dream Journal Entry: February 1, 2019
I dreamed that I was archangel Gabriel and Archangel Michael was my partner (wearing Dave Grohl's face. lol) and he was wrapped up in all of these sex things with people. I wasn't exactly thrilled but I was telling him that I need to be the one he chooses and comes home to. I was annoyed with him because there was a mission we needed to complete together and he wasn't doing what he needed to do.

"The Abduction of Psyche" by William-Adolphe Bouguereau

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019
People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then later I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Love and Psyche by Pam Neilands

Now, at this point I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She gets on one side and I get on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH".

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.