Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Indentity Crisis

Art by Carlos Quevedo
I am having an identity crisis.

Let's not mistake it with a "mid-life crisis".

As we learn and expand our minds, our guides and higher selves give us more pieces to our personal puzzle. They reveal more to us because they think we can absorb it and handle it now. This is what happened for me recently.

Reading Dolores Cannon opened my mind to the possibilities. I already started to suspect that I was a walk- in, but I didn't have confirmation until recently. Recently I had a dream that revealed some truths to me. Here is part of that dream:

October 7, 2014 I keep trying to retain this dream even though I want to keep sleeping. Lol I need to write it down so I can remember as much as I can. There was a house. Apparently my mom was living there it seemed like it was a big house. There were lots of rooms. There was a man that came inside and told me that the fresh flowers that are supposed to be in the window weren't and it was part of the lease agreement...that fresh flowers would always be kept in a certain window in memory of the woman who used to own the house but obviously had died. I told the guy that I knew nothing about what my mom had agreed to in the lease and it was quite possible she didn't know everything she had agreed to either. I told him I would talk to my mom and get the lease and go over it so I knew what she had agreed to. He was tall, with long hair and light brown skin. He looked Native. He was younger looking. But suddenly he was gone and there was an older Mexican looking guy in his place and I asked him if he was the guy that had just been there and he said no, that it was someone else. I talked to mom about the agreement and she seemed to know about the flowers but she had just forgotten to do it and I told her that she needed to have fresh flowers there if she was going to stay there. It seems like she had a conversation with someone that was head of the estate and someone else was going to come in regularly and make sure there were always fresh flowers there. I think I wandered around the house a bit. I seem to remember there were a back set of stairs that had lots of child's things on the stairs and basically made the stairs unusable. I can't remember if I spent time up stairs or not. It seems like I might have.

Interpretations:
The issue with the children's things on the stairs spoke loudly to me of blockages stemming from childhood. I don't really know yet which situation has created the blockage. Perhaps the most traumatic one is from when my mother had a nervous breakdown in front of my school as it was letting out. She became catatonic...couldn't speak...couldn't move anything from her neck down. The doctors told us then if that ever happened again, she might not be able to come out of it. It was a fear I lived with on a daily basis. I love my mom, but she was weak and too sensitive. The smallest thing could set her off crying. My siblings and I knew we had to toughen up to be her strength, to protect her in any way we could. That whole year was fraught with one trauma after another. My mom left my dad for the first time. I think it was 1980. I was about 11, almost 12. We moved a number of times and was homeless for a little while because my father burned the place down we had been living in. I changed schools something like 6 times. My dad shot our dogs in the head out of spite and let me know he shot Ginger in the head once because she was his favorite and Misty (the puppy) in the head 4 times...a bullet for each of his children. He had planned to kill us all and then himself that year. He told me this. It didn't happen because we declined his invitation to Christmas dinner. He was going to ask us to come back to him and if we didn't, he was going to kill us all and then himself. I developed such rage and hate that year. I know I must have changed enormously. I was once a very loving and sensitive child and I changed to adapt and survive my environment. A question I have been asking myself is how do I unfreeze my heart? How do I release the block when I feel it has served me well? So what if people think me cold and unfeeling. I don't crumble under adversity like I might have should I have stayed the sensitive and loving being that I once was as a child.


The issue of the flowers confused me at first. A house in a dream normally represents the person...their mind. Finally I was being given an acknowledgment that I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL INHABITANT. I mean, I considered it as a possibility, but here it was being shown to me that, yes, you are not the original driver of this car. I know from what I have read in Dolores Cannon books that often intuitives and psychics will pick up on the past lives of the original inhabitant. So the lives that are accessed aren't always even that of the current driver. I started researching the topic of walk-ins because my guides showed me that there are 4 walk-ins I need to seek out and will be working with. They are part of my team and most likely, soul family. Back then I never suspected that I, myself, could be a walk-in as well. 

After I understood the meaning of the flowers in my dream, the guides confirmed that what I was thinking is true. They tell me it is really good I am questioning my identity. That is easy for them to say. They aren't the ones sitting here questioning their whole existence and what they thought was their life. From all that I have learned about walk-ins, it is entirely possible to be a walk-in and NEVER know it. In fact there are millions of us who ARE walk-ins. The whole idea that there has to be an illness or a trauma for a walk-in to happen is a myth. Those are just the cases we learn about because of the NDE that often happens as well. I would bet you that a vast majority of walk-ins have no idea that they are NOT the original driver of the human vehicle. The human hard drive (aka brain) stores all memories so, when the new driver steps in, they have access to the data and memories. Amnesia takes place and they believe fully that they have always been the driver of that vehicle. It is rare that a walk-in actually is conscious of being a walk-in but it does happen occasionally. 

My revelation has made several questions pop up like when did I walk into this body? Who was the being before me? Was she more connected to the people she was born to than I am? I love my mother deeply but I have a strong disconnect with the rest of my family and now it makes more sense as to the reason why. I have always had a sense of not fitting in and not being like everyone else. The truth is, being in a human vehicle feels foreign to me and I don't enjoy it very much. It isn't my natural state and a part of me knows this on a deep soul level. I fully believe this to be my first human Earth life. I have been here before long ago but it wasn't in human form. It was at the time of Atlantis and the body I was in then was not of this world.


I have a sense of frustration attached to this new revelation. If we have no real sense of knowing when the switch took place, then who the hell is "I" and "me"? If it is really just part of a computer-like program that gives me a sense of who I am, then really none of us know who we actually are other than the role we agree to fill in this giant play we are performing in what we call "Life". How is it that any of this is really all that important anyway? These are things I am questioning and wondering now. I have memories of when I was a 1-year-old staring out a window and chewing on a blue perm rod curler. But whose memory is that actually? Was I in the body then? The switch could have been recent for all I know. For all I know ALL of the memories I think are mine were experienced by the original. That is what is such a mind-fuck about this all. I just don't know.

I am laughing to myself because I am rattling on like this is a normal conversation to have, but I totally get how it will be just too much for some to understand or grasp. I wouldn't have been able to grasp it early on in my journey. I would have rejected it initially and then come back to it when my mind expanded more.