Musings From My Journey: Conscious Creating, Focus and Facing Fears

Art by Takato Yamamoto

Last night, I made the mistake of watching a horror film that my ex (it's complicated) was watching. I stood in the kitchen half watching. A couple times he asked if I was sure I wanted to watch it. I said I did. Toni Collette was in it and I think she is a talented actress, so I watched.

The sister is obviously having an allergic reaction. She can't breathe so she is sticking her head out of the window trying to get air. The brother swerves to miss something in the road which created the perfect storm. The sister's head is taken off by a pole. We see it in the road later while we hear the mother wailing in anguish over the loss.

That was just the beginning.

I often wonder if the actors playing these roles experience genuine trauma from performing them. Of course, they know it isn't real, but they have to dig down far enough to feel what their character is feeling. They experience it with their character and, thus, let the thoughts and feelings of the character into their mind. And since our thoughts create our reality, everything we experience and take on board influences those thoughts.

"The Eternal Throne" by Paolo Giradi

After I watched the movie, I probably should have watched some funny pet videos to erase the images I saw, but I didn't. When I went to sleep, I had nightmares all night long. I woke up, my heart racing and me being happy to be out of the dream. I don't remember a lot other than flying to get away from those pursuing me. They couldn't fly so they couldn't reach me.

To become a conscious creator means you are cognizant that what we feed ourselves influences our thoughts. Everything we feed our senses impacts the output. What we focus on matters.

When I was only creating on an unconscious level, my subconscious had free reign. I was dead inside, so watching disturbing horror movies didn't affect my sleep or dreams in the same way as they do now. But...I did seem to be attracting a lot more "bad" experiences into my life.

We attract what we focus on and I focused a lot on the negatives that I didn't like and then wonder why I had so much "bad luck". Go back far enough on my Facebook page and you can see what I focused on. I focused on the doom and gloom and all that I feared. I feared a lot. I watched the news and it would make me feel sick. I focused a lot on it. I posted about it to "raise awareness" when all I was doing was spreading fear...a cancer that starts to swallow us whole.

I'm not saying don't try to help others when and where you can, but maybe don't go out looking for misery to wallow in. If it is on your doorstep, then it is there for you and is something for you to learn from.

"The Three Graces" by Edouard Bisson, 1899

Feed your senses things that will help your thoughts create more of what you want. Focus on what you want more of in your life. Listen to beautiful music, take in beautiful images be it on a hike, in a museum, or on social media. Start to create beautiful things that fill you up so much that you want to share it with others. Allow beautiful opportunities that will help you feel excitement, joy and enthusiasm.

This is where I am at in my lessons... learning to simply say "yes" to opportunities and not "yes, but..." "Yes, but" is throwing roadblocks for ourselves in moving forward. It is saying that you don't want to face what you fear. Acceptance and allowing is something I am still working on.

I feel like I have put a lot of focus on love. I have put a lot of love out into the world and I have gotten love back from those around me. My area of great challenge is the romantic variety of love. I have put a lot of time and energy into manifesting a romantic love.

Yesterday I tried to imagine some "what ifs".

"Loving Your Demons" by Jessica Kristie

What if he suddenly said "I know I love you, let's be together."

My first thought was "Fuck!" and then terror coursed through me.

A thousand "buts" came into my mind.

It has been so long since anyone has touched me. The physical part scares me more than the emotional part. I already love him. He has already reached places where no man has been before...inside the inner sanctuary of my heart. I think stupid thoughts like, "Will I even remember how to kiss?" LoL

I have become so comfortable with trying and giving, that I never really stopped to consider what I would feel or do if I finally caught the rabbit in the dog race. Would I be like the cat who catches the mouse but ultimately gets bored when it doesn't resist anymore? That is my fear. Have I grown enough on my journey not to run? I hope so.

Until that opportunity manifests, I will simply repeat the mantra, "Just say, yes. Accept. Allow. Receive. Risk."