Fairy Godmother

Dream Journal Entry: January 30, 2022

I dreamed that I applied for a job at some place and got it. I started working right away. I'm not even sure what kind of place it was. I just remember that I was happy to get the job but was told I would only be scheduled for Saturdays at that point. I was grateful for the job and hoped I might be able to work more later or maybe it would be a stepping stone to getting a better job later. It was a start and I was happy with that.

I see an actor I recognize as the person who played Peter Brady on the Brady bunch. He is talking to me but I can't remember what he is saying to me. I said something to the person who hired me that I didn't realize I was hired for an acting job, that I wasn't really an actor but I could figure it out and do the best I could. I then make my way to a stage where my boss does something with her hands that seems like she is performing magic. I had this knowing that she was sort of like a fairy godmother and she was doing something that would create a bigger opportunity that would be like a dream come true for me. 

I remember the place I went home to where my mom was, there area I had to sleep on wasn't that nice or comfortable but I was simply grateful for a place to sleep. I was used to not having much so this arrangement didn't bother me that much.

There was an odd scene about there being two refrigerators at mom's place. There was one inside on an upper level and one at a lower level that felt like a garage. Mom had put several things of meat too low and it was in danger of not staying cold enough and going off. I told mom she couldn't store them there, that they needed to be in the fridge. 

The scene jumps and now I am seeing a couple huge zucchinis growing up from under some grapes. When you lifted up the grapes, you could see the zucchini. I thought I would take two of them. One was larger enough, I thought it would probably only be good for seeds and not so much for eating.

Free Will

Photo by Yancey Richardson

From Jess Puckett - The Chaos Witch:

https://youtube.com/channel/UCi3wWQtEY9JtRxLsvqKe8Kg

I've been getting really peeved at bad, fatalistic astrologers lately. "The conscious man dominates his stars," is a phrase to remember. There are a number of ways that the energies in your chart can express themselves. As you grow in your spirituality you become less reactive and thus less subject to unconscious behavior patterns (that would be outlined in your chart) that would naturally play out if you were unconsciously reacting. You become the master of your own destiny and you will have higher vibrational outcomes from the energies in your chart as you grow spiritually, creating more and more distance between you and your birth chart. You will then be able to help people overcome those same energies just as you did.

This is the goal. Never forget that this is the goal.

Please do not be afraid. It is TERRIBLE astrology and terrible spirituality and terrible karma for an astrologer to scare you will a fatalistic approach. They've planted an idea in your head that may then grow. Perhaps this wouldn't have happened otherwise. It's absolutely shameful.

Your birth chart is known as your "distortion." Stepping outside the wheel of samsara aka achieving enlightenment, IS the same thing as stepping outside the confines of your birth chart. An astrology reading would be near useless to a fully realized person.

Become conscious and "karma has no more business" with you.

Xoxo Jess

Children of God, Jews for Jesus

 Photo by Michael Tighe, 1993

Heart Phoenix (right)

Dream Journal Entry: September 27, 2020

I dreamed that I was losing my teeth. Most of the bottom ones had fallen out previously and now the rest of the bottom ones came out all at once. I happened to be with a dentist and he wanted to see what was going on even though I wasn't a patient. My partner was there with me. It looked like jawbone had come out with the teeth. I didn't seem worried. I had lost most of my molars before even though I didn't know why. The dentist looked in my mouth and said he thought the cause was likely botulism (Botox?) and he suspected this was a deliberate attempt to kill me. I then considered maybe he was right and someone was trying to kill me. I started seeing a scene where I had been in India and when I retrieved some of my things in a small carry on suitcase, there was some sweatshirts and dirty pans inside. Inside the large pan a snake had been placed. When I opened the lid, it tried to attack us but we were able to avoid being injured. My partner and I both mentioned, "we were in India a couple months ago...back in August...and a snake came out of the pan and tried to kill us." We then considered that someone was indeed trying to kill me.

Photo by Tony Markovich

Photo by Tony Markovich

The scene shifts and now I am seeing River driving a red expensive sports car. It seems like an older model. Then all of a sudden I see the car get hit and come completely apart. Somehow River was able to jump from the wreckage without being hurt at all. I was watching it from an outside view. I asked what had happened and was able to see the scene play again from a different vantage point and saw that a shiny silver train had been barreling down the tracks and the car River had been in, the road he was on merged with that of the train. The train was going faster than the car and naturally couldn't stop and hit the car at the rear and sent the car into a spin and ultimately totalled it. He never saw it coming. River felt bad because it wasn't his car. I told him not to worry, that it would be okay.

The scene jumps again and now I am getting coffee somewhere. It feels like a combination diner and convenience store. I think I was sitting at the counter having coffee. There was something about looking at Christmas tree toppers and wanting a new topper for my tree that was like my tacky star that lights up and blinks, which Amrik hates. I looked through what they had and then remember coming across a candle they were selling where the proceeds were donated to Jews for Jesus. I told someone that I was surprised anyone was allowed to sell anything relating to them anymore because River's mom, Heart, had just told me about how they were the same group that started the Children of God who did unthinkable things to members.

In reality, it had been Sky who told me that Jews for Jesus were the same as Children of God cult. He said his commune was the vegan one and their commune was the Jews for Jesus.

Joaquin and River

Dream Journal Entry: December 2, 2020 

They showed me the girls and how when they were in Florida, their father was the first to touch them sexually. It started with oldest daughter first and then became both. He would tell them that touching them helped him, healed him. I then saw it happen to the younger one as well and instead of the mother protecting her children, she allowed it and even participated. I saw a cult develop around it, a money making scheme where others gathered to touch their girls as well. Eventually someone came in and discovered what was happening and it was broken up and the members scattered. 

Joaquin and River

It was when they were in Florida (River) that they started to smell bad. People started to tell the mother that the girls smelled bad.

I saw in the dream fleeing from being underground through a fire escape passageway up.

They said that, “You have to learn when to leave a group, even when that group is your family and they are no longer serving your highest good. Some branches need to be pruned and cut away so that you can be reborn and the highest version of yourself."

Dream Journal Entry: December 7, 2020

I heard, "He has been trying to find someone with a little extra like him" I was seeing it as multiples internally, then heard, "You have a little extra, too."

Living In a Bubble

Airheads by Jacob Sutton

Dream Journal Entry: November 22, 2019

I keep remembering a dream I had that I chose not to write down. Events from that dream seem to be unfolding right now. 

In one dream, I came upon a guy. It feels like I am undercover or something, like I am doing a job. And then I realized who it was that we had connected with and he is someone I know from my past. I am hoping he doesn't realize it is me, but later it is determined that he knew all along it was me. He has long hair and I recognize him as the actor, David Edward Walliams. David is a recurring name in dreams.  

I am feeling really angry with him and it feels like we had once been a couple but now he is with someone else. I seem to be holding him over a steep drop and I am threatening to let him go and destroy him....but I don't and pull him back. 

There was some discussion about him blocking me on social media and me saying that I eventually noticed he no longer showed in my feed anymore. There was some knowing that the reason he did that is because he loves me so much it was hard to look at my posts, which didn't make sense to me and frustrated me. 

In a later dream, we are now in a class and we are going through some class exercise. The students were paired off and all acting out the same exercise. But then I see a polished fleshed out Hollywood-like version of the same scene playing out and I understood this meant that all of the students were playing out the story of this primary couple in the Hollywood version. They were now arguing and the male could be seen with a big balloon-like bubble around his head. I considered this was saying that "he has his head in a bubble" or maybe that "he has a bloated ego". I woke up annoyed and irritated, thinking, "You are such an asshole" and determined to forget this dream, but obviously replaying it in my head over and over.... enough that I can still write it down a week or more later. 

Memory Lapses

Photo by Margaret Durow

Dream Journal Entry: March 10, 2021

The only bit of dreams I remember is that I was at some sort of party. It seems like a "high end" sort of party with wealthier types. Some of the walls seem to have a carved dark wood on them. I am talking to someone, it feels like on the phone and it is about some sort of job they have available. I can't remember specifics that were said, but later there was a woman who approaches me that I seem familiar with and we are talking about the interaction with the woman. Apparently I didn't get the job and the other woman I spoke to didn't want to use me now. The reason she didn't want to give me the job is because I hadn't remembered meeting her earlier that night. I said, "Yeah, it's probably just as well because I don't think we were a fit personality wise." I confided in this person I was talking to about how I have been having problems with my memory and at times it is very scary. I started to get emotional about it because it really upset me.

There was a scene where I am talking to someone I identify as Omar in Australia but then I realize it isn't the same Omar. He said something about the other one having been bitten by a brown recluse spider and couldn't attend the gathering because of it. 

I remember something about a jet getting ready to take off but nothing else about it.

Euthanasia

The Great Awakening, (1890). By Herbert Gustave Schmalz, (1856-1935).

Dream Journal Entry: January 23, 2022

I dreamed of K and J again. I was back visiting them and my mom was with me. I'm not sure why I am back here. I recall having my dog with me, as well. Their house is different than I remember it being. I was tired from the journey and decided to lay down on the downstairs bed for a bit that I found, but then K came into the room and was surprised to see me. 

The kids are grown in this dream, but usually they are still young. In this dream they were in college. The mood of everyone was somber. I didn't understand until I was told that J has opted for euthanasia and today was her last day. I am seeing images of how there was cancer throughout her chest area and instead of waiting for the cancer to spread to her brain, she was opting to be euthanized. I said I didn't realize that they could do that in the state they were in. 

I see J and she is saying her goodbyes to everyone and is crying. I hugged her close and also said goodbye and then she left. 

Everyone left for awhile. I moved upstairs to k and J's bedroom where, once again, I feel so tired that I can't stay awake. I remember my dog wandering around and there being sort of a hidden room that was not easy to get to that she kind of fell into. I went to check on her to make sure she was okay and that she could get back out. She seemed fine.

I laid back down on the bed where I noticed three medium sized older white dogs sleeping on the bed with me. At one point, K returned and saw me resting on the bed. It was then I noticed that in this room there were different sets of animal horns mounted on the walls. There was a very large blue horn protruding from the wall and over me. It didn't seem like the weight of it would allow it to remain, at which point, it gave way and rested on me while not completely detaching from the wall.

Later, the kids are back and they have invited a lot of their friends to remember their mom with. It was mostly Austin's friends, I believe. They mad a procession as they walked single file through the house. As each person passed by me, they touched my feet. I'm not sure why. I vaguely recall seeing the kiss spreading J's ashes into water.

I can't remember anything else.

______________________________

Horace Vernet (1789–1863), The Angel of Death (1851)

Given what I feel J represents to me, I see this as a dream about euthanizing a part for self that is an over achiever and is always trying to be the best because part of them never got the approval they sought from their parents as children. She is the part that sought to be liked by gift buying. She sought approval from those outside of her, but never really gave it to herself, either. She is negative self talk thinking she needs to just be better and somehow she is the one who has done something wrong and needs to change. She is the control freak who needs to plan everything to the last detail. 

We can have compassion for those parts of self, but when we grow, heal and change to the point of never needing the approval of others ever again, we are euthanizing a part of self that used to be a source of insecurity and neediness.

The hidden room might represent hodden parts of self that aren't outwardly visible and not easily accessible, but some people we encounter have the ability to access those parts to show us they are there. 

The horns on the wall might represent trophies of achievement. Animals use them to battle each other. Who hasn't played "king of the mountain" where, like Billy goats, you try to butt someone else off. The massive blue horn suggests an achievement in a way of communication that isn't working because it is unstable and poorly mounted....like PR communication put out in the public press and social media that isn't actually true.

The three white dogs were older dogs. White represents masculine and the lighter side. Dogs are loyal and their nature is to travel in packs. They could represent three old loyalties, maybe. I'm not sure. I will have to think about it further.

I'm not entirely sure why the kids were touching my feet, but I am getting images right now of this being done in some sort of religious practice. I will have to look it up.

What I found:

In India, touching the feet of elders is considered to be one of the important common gestures. It is considered to be a way of giving respect to elders and seeking their blessings. Also known as Charan Sparsh, it has been followed for ages, probably since the Vedic period.

Children from a small age are taught to touch the feet of their elders and there is a beautiful reason for doing it. You must have seen that before commencing any job or leaving for work, or after coming home or meeting someone after a long time, Indians touch the feet of elders. We do it even for older people who are introduced to us for the first time.

It is believed that when a person bows down to touch the feet of elders, the person's ego comes to an end. The person gives respect to his or elder's wisdom, knowledge, age, and experience. In return, the elders then bless the person.

Scientific Reason Behind Touching Feet

1. It is said that the human body contains negative and positive current. The left side of the body is said to carry the negative current while the right side of the body carries positive energy. When a person touches the feet of another person, the two bodies connect with each other, which creates a complete circuit of positive and negative energy. [Source]

Spite From the Eye

By Bethaleil on DeviantArt

Dream Journal Entry: May 7, 2018

In a dream I was with a boy and during the dream I saw him get older. He was under my care but wasn't my biological son. I agreed to care for him. I looked at us both in the mirror. He is beautiful and he looks similar to me. Now he is an older teen and he looks more like a man now. I am in very large bath tub and he disrobes, getting in. I don't know why he is doing this. There is another woman in the bath with me and she has let my baby's head go under water. I retrieve the baby and make sure she is still breathing and instruct the other woman not to let her go under water again. This teenage child slides into the tub and I feel embarrassed to feel so attracted to him. There is a desire that stirs in me but I feel conflicted. I have raised him as my own son. I love him deeply. He says something like, "Do you want me for yourself..."

I am thinking he knows I am attracted to him at first and then he continues, "...to destroy your enemies like the legend speaks of?" Something is said about taking the spite from the eye and implanting it in the womb to create a being who would destroy their enemies. Anyone in possession of him could use him for this purpose. I had a sense that most people feared him and what he was meant for. I touched him tenderly and lovingly and said, "You may not have been my creation, but I love you as my son. To me, you ARE my son. Just because that was the purpose doesn't mean that the story has to end that way. It can be rewritten if we both choose it. I love you. You are my son. I want you to have a life and many experiences." He said, "I guess your secret is out then." I asked him, "What secret is that? That I am more feeling and caring than people usually realize?" He smiles and said, "Yes, Mama." We embraced a loving embrace. I could feel myself tremble and I hoped he didn't notice. I had a sense that he could sense the stirring inside me that was desire mixed with motherly love. I think I could feel the same desire from him but neither of us acted on it. I wanted him to have a life and experiences and not be stuck with only knowing me. 

Later, I was at a travel agency and was buying a ticket to go home. I am flustered because I realize I already have bought a ticket. I am frustrated with my own forgetfulness. My son is trying to calm me and telling me it is okay. Then I consider that I need a ticket for him anyway, so maybe I could just get the name changed to his instead of buying a new one. I remember seeing a note on blue paper from a travel agent. I couldn't make out what it said. I also remember the envelopes the plane tickets were in were red and white like the old TWA ones used to be. They felt old and used but the tickets inside were at least current. I remember seeing the clock said 4:11 and made note that our flight left at 5 something so we had to go right then to catch our flight.

None of This is Real

Photo by August Sander

Dream Journal Entry: January 22, 2022

"You have to accept that none of this is real before you die so you can wake up and go home." Heard in the in-between as I was waking up.

I was somewhere, I can't say where. It's a public place and there are other people here. I am seeing images of a Christmas tree that is being cut apart. I thought it was a shame that we had to take the decorations down because they had been pretty. There was something about an image from the past being superimposed on what was currently there. This seems to suggest seeing something that existed in the past which is no longer actually there. We aren't seeing the truth.

Later I am somewhere with a lot of people. In the hustle and bustle, there was a small person with a big head who got bumped then fell and cracked their head on the floor. I heard the crack and went over to see if I could assist. Apparently the person was unwell to begin with, but this fall was going to speed up the process if they weren't attended to. I carried the person who needed assistance to a place where emergency assistance could be found. Then, I saw myself holding up a double crystal to their head. It was as if I was scanning their brain. That is when I started to wake and heard, "You have to accept that none of this is real before you die so you can wake up and go home."

Tornado Magnets

Collage Art by Caitlyn Grabenstein  aka cult.class

Dream Journal Entry: January 20, 2022

I dreamed about Laura Jane Grace again. I'm always in awe of her, but cautious because I'm not always sure how she will receive me. I'm at her place and was happy she was allowing me to linger here with her. I can't remember what we talked about, but she was going to allow me to stay the night. There was something about accidentally getting tar on her floor and I was working to clean it up. I wanted to kiss her but resisted the urge.

There was something about trailers and how tornadoes seem to be magnetically drawn to them. I considered this is why I dream a lot about people living in trailers. Trailers magnetically draw in tornadoes. Being an air sign, I can see myself being a tornado. I have told people that my full name is Oktobre Winds of Change.

The dream jumps and now I am seeing two laundry baskets with nothing but a single pillow in each one. They had been set out to be taken away as trash. I was annoyed with this as there was nothing wrong with the baskets, they were simply empty of laundry, so I retrieved them and put them back inside. 

Inside this place, there was a couple I found together. He has no legs and she has chosen to be with him. She loves him regardless of his physical limitations and has chosen him. They are close enough together that it is hard to tell where one person started and the other began. But then I see her pull away slightly from him and is starting to cry. Something is wrong. It appears they were trying to have a baby and she is starting to bleed, indicating the pregnancy isn't viable. She is upset about this. But then the scene shifts and now she and her partner have fertilized eggs in two different containers and they are planning to grow their babies there. They seemed to think they could put them in there and just leave them until they were big enough to take out. She said that is was Tina did and they were going to try it, too. I was dubious and told them I thought they needed to tend to the fertilized eggs to make sure they develop and have what they needed to grow.

There was something about toys in this place and deciding to leave them there to come back to and be used in this place so others could use them, too. It doesn't feel like a private home, but a public place but not incredibly busy and out in the open.

I also vaguely recall a scene of traveling down an icy path with Inara and Amrik. I had a vehicle that feels like a snowmobile or motorcycle I was walking, but then got up to a road and turned the vehicle around, got on, to go back the way we came, but on the road. Inara got on the vehicle with me. Amrik was further behind. I planned to pick him up and hoped there was room for all of us on this vehicle. I woke up there.

__________________________________

Collage Art by Caitlyn Grabenstein aka cult.class

"In an effort to better grasp where exactly tornadoes tend to touch down, Purdue researchers concluded that twisters have a statistical preference for causing the most damage in so-called “transition zones” — geographic areas where two distinct types of landscapes meet and dramatically change. Examples include the fringe areas that fall between built-up suburban sprawl and rural farmland, dense forests and rolling plains. More often than not, these sparsely developed, lowly populated outskirts are where mobile home communities can be found in the greatest numbers." (Source)

From a symbolic perspective, people living in a trailer are those in "transitional areas". The term "trans" is important here because it echoes in the dream. Laura Jane Grace is considered "trans" but, in a spiritual sense, we could see it as the same as transformational. She represents change in action, change embodied and I was so in awe of her.

trans-

word-forming element meaning "across, beyond, through, on the other side of, to go beyond," from Latin trans (prep.) "across, over, beyond," perhaps originally present participle of a verb *trare-, meaning "to cross," from PIE *tra-, variant of root *tere- (2) "cross over, pass through, overcome." In chemical use indicating "a compound in which two characteristic groups are situated on opposite sides of an axis of a molecule" [Flood]. (Source)

Tornadoes can be seen as a transformational tool in much the same way as the Tower card in tarot. Tornadoes have the ability to wipe out what exists so that something new can be built in its place. It could be seen as a new way of thinking that blows in and sweeps out the old beliefs that no longer serve us.

The guy with no legs seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams. I have wondered if it is a reference to a real person I have yet to meet or if it is simply a symbolic representation of someone who hasn't brought their inner masculine and feminine together as one thing yet, but are trying to birth something forward from their union. Think, "twin flames in separation". Perhaps this is a visual representation of that. I was telling them they had to tend to the fertilized eggs to make sure they develop correctly and have everything they need. This could represent birthing a new version of ourselves, or birthing new ideas. Either way, I thought they shouldn't just leave them, hoping that they would develop on their own. 

To be skilled gardeners of our internal worlds, we have to be willing to put in the effort required to cultivate what we hope to achieve. A lot of effort and attention goes into a healthy and abundant garden, and so the same is true for us and our internal garden.

I think the goal for the couple in the dream would be to eventually see them as someone like Laura, masculine and feminine comfortably embodied as one thing. To see them still divided illustrates that there is still work to do.

I have definitely come to a point on my journey where I can comfortably say that I am a hermaphrodite internally. I know this as fact. Sometimes the male parts of self take over and sometimes the female parts do, but the collective "I" am comfortable being both. That doesn't mean I need to be called "he" or "him" at anytime because the body we inhabit is biologically female and we are not at war with the body. We love and accept the body, therefore, the pronouns that match the biology of the body we accept, as well.

Loving the body is part of the journey back to self and self love. I think it is highly detrimental when a person wants to start cutting parts of themselves off to embody who they feel they are inside. It is highly detrimental to our inner population when we want to destroy a whole half of who we are and deny their existence within us.

I think we need to be comfortable expressing both at different times when and how we feel we need to. Maybe that looks like wearing a dress and make up one day, but being comfortable wearing a suit and tie the next. 

We don't have to be one thing always and forever, because, the truth is, all of us are many internally. All of us are multifaceted with many aspects to who we are that want to shine at different times. It should be our goal to comfortably allow those aspects to shine when they ask to come forward, no matter the gender of their expression.

I am one, but within the one, we are many. I love that and embrace that about me.

Florida Laura

Art by Robert Mapplethorpe

Dream Journal Entry: January 18, 2022

I remember a dream fragment where there was something about watching a scene from a movie or show. In part of the scene, a flower is cut in half and zoomed in on to show what was inside. Some of the people are here who worked on the film and I am asking about the prop flower they used and how it was made. The guy who made it enthusiastically explained how he made it out of cardboard, but never expected it would end up in the movie.

The scene jumps and I am seeing Laura Jane Grace. She is wandering off to the men's restrooms and I am following her and talking to her. I was surprised she chose to get cleaned up and changed in the men's room since she identifies as female. I was mesmerized by her as I always am in dreams. I admire her a lot and feel drawn to her. When she came out of the restroom, she had changed but was wearing something tight enough to clearly show she still had a penis and testicles as well as her breasts.

As I was waking, I heard, "He's upset that you kept her here so long." It felt like it was in reference to talking to Laura in the restrooms and keeping her there to myself for as long as I did.

Two Keys

Dream Journal Entry: January 17, 2022

I dreamed so much, but only remember fragments after Inara's alarm on her phone brought me out of sleep abruptly.

There was a lot about moving out of an apartment. I was packing up things and wishing I didn't have so much stuff to deal with.  

I remember seeing an old classmate, Darren, in the building. Apparently he lives here, too. He is talking about how everyone I meet thinks that I am kind of prickly. I was surprised people would say that. He indicated that maybe I was unaware of how I came across to people, but almost everyone thinks the same. 

The scene jumps and now I am in a wheel chair and my partner is pushing me forward. I seem to be trying to poop where I am sitting. My partner has to take me to a large work thing he has to attend. I am seeing an attractive long blonde haired Asian guy in front of us. Everyone there thinks it is very unprofessional that he has brought me and my dog. My dog was barking and not very friendly. I seem to recall a little boy flipping off the dog.

The scene jumps and now I am back in an apartment building on someone's patio outside. I was talking to other people. One of the people I identify being out here with me was Ziba. She was wearing a strange sort of deep red veil over eye area but it didn't actually obscure her eyes. It only his what makeup she might have been wearing underneath. It is nighttime. Out of nowhere and with no warning, there was a fiery tornado that came through destroying everything in its path. I was standing directly in it's path, but somehow was unhurt by it as it carved out a fiery path as it went through.

There were more scenes of packing things. I went down a few levels to someone's apartment that was at ground level. I seem to know them. I think I have come down here to act as a caregiver for someone while the others step out for a little while. I was marveling at how bright their apartment was and how much sunshine they got. My apartment was designed exactly the same and was just a few levels above this one, but was so shady and grey compared to theirs.

Oddly, there were two apartments connected. It was like a duplex, but it was completely open. Where there would normally be a shared wall, there was none. The two sides were set up similarly and were quite spacious. It was hard to tell when I had accidentally gone into the other person's apartment. I know there are bits here that I have forgotten. There were some interactions with the person who I am sort of here for, but I can no longer remember what happened or what was said.

At one point, a long haired woman who looks part Asian comes in looking for one of the female people who live here who is her friend. She told me her name and told me to tell her friend that she went on a date with Kevin last night. The person I was watching was the brother, so I told him about the woman who stopped by, but could no longer remember her name, only that she said she had gone on a date with Kevin last night.

The scene jumps and I am seeing something about a backpack/bag being bought from an old woman in a park. These people had come to this apartment and broken in to find something. It turned out that there was a lock on the backpack and they were trying to find the key that goes to it. I was hoping they wouldn't hurt us so I tried to be cooperative. They were looking for a poem I had written for my sister on a piece of paper. I told them I think I could find it and set off looking in a specific location. I pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it. Written on the page was a poem and taped to the two upper corners were two small keys like that for a personal diary. I handed the piece of paper to one of the guys who was holding a hammer and waiting to see if he would hurt me or let me go. I woke at that point and lay there trying to think of poems I had written that might have mentioned the word "key" twice.

Key key my playmate, 

Come out and play with me 

And bring your spirits three 

Climb up my apple tree 

Slide down my rainbow 

Into my cellar door 

And we'll be jolly friends 

Forever evermore! 

Key key my playmate 

Come out and dance with me 

Put your troubled mind at ease 

Set your imprisoned heart free 

Bring out your wisdom 

Let your truths be told 

Destroy each fear you have 

A bright future will unfold.

Oktobre Taylor

Written November 17, 2019

(My altered and expanded version of a children's rhyme originating in the 1940s)

Alice met a brown bunny 

Whose name was Petar Pan 

It started kind of funny 

Until misunderstanding began 

Next came A. Binary Bird 

Who was quite a ravenous reader 

He never actually said a word 

And thought her a verbal bleeder 

He flew away in the night 

Never to be seen again 

But Aurora was a welcome sight 

A dear friend to help her mend 

Kevins led her to a double door 

Which opens with a double key 

Hatter has her heart for sure 

In him, "home" is what she sees

Oktobre Taylor

Written May 25, 2019

***All images are of paintings by William Hawkins

Magic Mirror

I've noticed something curious, the past couple of days.

I've slipped and been compelled to defend you.

The thing is, me, when I am badbleubunny, is a manifestation of your own self loathing. I know that as fact. The hate comes easily and quickly. The venom is real enough when I'm Bleu. He hates you, the choices you have made, the lies you have told and he wants to hold you accountable. 

So when he suddenly felt compelled to defend you more than once, it gave me pause and I had to wonder why. 

But then I remembered how I have this ability to be kind of like a magic mirror of sorts. When I connect to people's energy, I have learned that I mirror back to them aspects of themselves. I never realized I was doing it until, not long ago, I had a friend I reconnected with who I hadn't talked to for ages. When I got his messages, I, oddly, felt apprehensive and a flee response. I didn't want to have to talk to him which was really unusual for me. I'm usually okay with talking to people, especially old friends. When he told me he was a triple Pisces, I then understood completely what was happening. I was feeling his own flee response. I was feeling his instinct to recoil from interaction. He had obviously resisted these urges in order to communicate with me, but I wasn't at all surprised when our communication abruptly stopped. Because I could feel his feelings as my own, I understood and didn't pursue further dialogue.

When I went to stay with my mother, I noticed a new problem of an urgency to pee and almost not making it to the toilet in time. It was peculiar, but I thought, perhaps, it was just because I am aging and these things sometimes happen. After all, my mother has incontinence issues, so maybe it runs in the family, right? 

When I moved back to Oregon, suddenly that urgency to pee and almost not making it to the bathroom disappeared entirely. Once I was away from her energy, the shared symptoms subsided.

And then there is you. 

How the fuck did I connect with your energy?

When did that happen?

How am I tied to you? 

Regardless of the "when", "how", and "why", something remarkable seems to be happening inside of you that is also affecting Bleu. It would seem you are hating yourself less. Maybe you are even coming to your own defense and standing up for yourself, which is beautiful, really. 

Bleu can only try to destroy you as long as you are doing that to yourself. As your thoughts towards yourself change, he changes, too. I didn't even know this was possible, but it is incredibly fascinating to witness as both participant and observer.

This is code for...

Maybe you thought we, as a whole, hated you, but we don't. Bleu is simply doing his job and Oktobre is allowing it. She still has love for you. She never stopped having love for you. If you are paying close attention to these blog posts, you already know that.

Congratulations on the progress you have made in loving yourself! I look forward to when Bleu can do nothing but love and support you.

...I love you. 😁

The Ten Year Challenge

Calliope, Muse of Epic Poetry - Charles Meynier

I never participate in those online challenges that everyone on social media seem to participate in. This post will be no exception. I don't need to show side-by-side photos of me ten years apart, but I will reflect on where I was ten years ago because it was already passing through my mind today.

Ten years ago, I was only just starting on my spiritual journey and it was a bit of a rocky start. When I say "spiritual journey" it really turned out to be a "self discovery" and "healing" journey. 

I had no idea ten years ago that I would ever eventually look at the images I have placed here and identify with them so deeply. I didn't consider myself a poet at all back then, even though I had written poetry and lyrics in the distant past. 

Erato, Muse of Lyrical Poetry - Charles Meynier

The person I am today would be unrecognizable to the person I was back then.

I can feel compassion for that old, broken and lost version of me from ten years ago, but I am very grateful I am no longer her. So many insecurities and so much self loathing is no longer present. I no longer look to others for emotional support I never got from them anyway. I no longer want so desperately to be understood that I explain myself endlessly. I no longer need anyone at all to like me but myself, so I no longer cling to relationships (friends, family, romantic) who are toxic and not balanced. I no longer feel it is my job to save anyone but myself. I no longer give away my time and energy to the point of depletion.

I no longer wish, on repeat, that I would die.

I'm content in my own company ten years later. I enjoy simple things in life and have so much gratitude for small things that I used to take for granted. I am secure in who I am and who I am becoming. I feel calm and relaxed most of the time, even in stressful situations. And even when I lose my temper, I'm able to come out of it quicker and make apologies if needed. 

I have come to know different facets of myself intimately in a way I had never dreamed possible before. I acknowledge them and allow them the freedom to express themselves as needed. It is in this knowing the other parts of me, masculine and feminine, wild and tame, sweet and sour, that I feel whole. No longer do I feel I have to be only one thing all the time. I can comfortably be both simultaneously.

I communicate more effectively now. I can now turn the shit in my life into fertilizer to help create beautiful expressions through prose. 

Edward John Poynter - Erato, Muse Of Poetry

I know the growing never ends and I am comfortable with that because it is easier for me to expand now that I am no longer encased in a hard exoskeleton. It's less painful now to make those adjustments and realizations of false beliefs that have held me back and let them go so I can install new programming and new beliefs.

Ten years ago I hated myself and wished I would die. I lived in the past and in the future as a fantasy in my head.

Ten years later, I love myself completely and want to live my simple life to the fullest and be fully present in every moment.

Who are you now compared to who you were ten years ago? 

How far have you come?

Do you love who you have become?

In The Wrong Closet

Man Ray, Silhouette of Lee Miller in Marseilles, 1930

Dream Journal Entry: January 13, 2022

I dreamed that I and another person had been staying in a hotel but it was time for us to leave. I was working hard to gather all of our belongings, which were a lot, to leave. I was feeling concerned that it might not all fit, but considered if I took it out of the boxes and stacked it inside the car one thing at a time, more would fit. We were moving to a permanent location. I wanted to see if we could stay another night, but we couldn't, so I had to hurry to get everything out in time. 

As I was preparing to leave, I saw how someone had made cake from a mix and left pieces of it behind inside the box. 

I saw a scene about two closets and someone is saying that they made a mistake putting this person in the wrong closet. One closet was shallow and had cleaning supplies, but the closet someone had been put into was deep and had stairs going down. I saw a white crumbling skull on a lower shelf and heard that the person who had been put in here didn't die, but now wanted revenge.

I think this dream is about accumulated baggage leaving us, and, in this case, it was quite a lot. Among the items being packed away and moved to a new permanent location were several bags of white flour and other items for baking. Everything from conversations we have to our creations can be seen as food we make that feeds us and others, so, some sort of food I have been making was no longer going to be made.

The two closets made me think about how the shallow one with cleaning supplies would have been easy to find the person again when they needed them to perform a cleaning task. We can clean by communicating our feelings effectively and some parts of us are better suited for the task than others. The closest they had been put in they got lost in and forgotten about. Somehow they survived it, but now there was this part that wanted revenge for having been locked in there for so long.

I used to have moving dreams all the time, but haven't had one for awhile until last night.

One by One

Photo by Harold Roth

One by one

I let them all go

Closing doors

On friends and foes

Some left me

Social media blocked

Some I shoved

Out the door I then locked

But I accepted

I set them free

I released them

So I could be me

Photo by Philippe Le Tellier

One by one

Recovering the pieces

Unfolding

And smoothing my creases

Old Mother Hubbard

 Has gone away

To clear out space

For the child to play

Teddy bear

Is now my only friend

I am whole

I no longer break, but bend

Photo by Henri Cartier-Bresson:

One by one

I gather my thoughts

Sowing seeds

For my written crops

Gratitude

Is ever present somehow

For small things

That make up my right now

I have changed

I'm not who you used to know

That one is dead

The soil from which I now grow

Photo by Pal-Nils Nilsson

One by one

I lay the bricks thrown at me to pave

A clear path

Where myself is the only one I need to save

I am trusting

That this path will lead to at least one

Deep connection

To reflect just how far we've come

So I hold on

To hope and a belief you exist

I hold on

To you, a dream I can't resist

Oktobre Taylor

Written: January 12, 2022

A Closer Look

Photo by Frank Navara

I have been thinking about this part of my dream from last night:

The first bit of dream had to do with a child I had been caring for whose penis had become detached. I told the parents they needed to take care of this issue right away or it may not be re-attachable later and it would be a problem for him as an adult. The penis, to me, represents our ability to give so it seems to suggest a problem with being able to give as an adult. To create energy flow, we need to be able to both give and receive.

On further examination, I was thinking about how a penis, like an electrical plug, acts as the means by which we connect, therefore, can be seen as also symbolizing a tool for connection. If a plug is missing, connection to an outlet (feminine) cannot be achieved. So, perhaps, the detached penis is representing a loss of ability to connect to others. The penis was still present, but needed help getting it to reattach.

I thought about how emotionally detached I have felt recently and how little motivation I feel to truly connect with anyone (other than my daughter) on a deeper level. A part of me is like that boy whose penis has become detached. I have released pretty much everyone. I don't have long engaging conversations, nor do I even try to connect anymore. In the dream it was something that needed to be addressed sooner rather than later.

My daughter asked me the other night before we went to bed, "What do you miss most about dating or having a partner? Do you miss cuddling and snuggling?"

I thought about her question and replied, "I never really dated. I slept with people once in awhile, but I didn't really date. What I have always, always wanted was to connect with someone deeply who I can have deep, meaningful and interesting conversations with for hours where we touch tenderly as we talk. I still want that but I can't say I miss it because I have never experienced it." Just because a person has been legally married to someone for 18 years doesn't mean there was ever any real connection at any point. That's where I am at...a lack of ability to attach or get excited about much of anything relationship related.

I feel myself closing off now. I don't really know how to counteract it, nor am I sure if I even want to anymore.

I don't know how to address the problem, but maybe I will dream an answer to it eventually.

A Warning Dream.

Dream Journal Entry: January 9, 2022

I just woke from a dream that I feel has to be written down now even though I would rather go back to sleep.

The first bit of dream had to do with a child I had been caring for whose penis had become detached. I told the parents they needed to take care of this issue right away or it may not be re-attachable later and it would be a problem for him as an adult. The penis, to me, represents our ability to give so it seems to suggest a problem with being able to give as an adult. To create energy flow, we need to be able to both give and receive.

I then remember something about trying to recharge some battery to get something working again. Maybe it was my phone but I can't remember clearly now.

Then there was a scene where I am seeing a younger version of Brandon Lee before he started acting. This version has very big blue eyes. In waking life, his eyes were green. Blue is the color of communication and could be about seeing communication clearly.

I then see another older version of him working on a film and doing choreographed martial arts for the cameras. 

The scene jumps and now he is here with me along with his younger brother (he doesn't have a younger brother in waking life). They have come to me because I am helping them. The younger brother is sulking and moody. He is making it clear that he doesn't want to be here. I am talking to him and trying to assure him everything was going to be okay and we were all working on helping them both. He is saying he doesn't like the smell here, that it smells old and he didn't like it.

I suddenly realized I had dreamed about this very scene before about this brother and what we were experiencing. It took me by surprise so much that I felt unstable, briefly, and had to hold onto something to balance myself. I told them that I dreamed this very scene before. I agreed with him that it wasn't nice here and smelled bad and asked him to follow me and talk while I went to a nearby coffee shop to get coffee. We got to the coffee shop, but then realized I had forgotten my money back at the room. The coffee shop was quite busy so I would have to wait a little bit before I could get service, so I left and planned to come right back.

I seem to be getting dressed as I am talking. Brandon and the younger brother are with me. The younger brother is saying how their sister, Shannon, was saying we had to leave that town by 10:00 a.m. the next day or Brandon would die again. She said that he has died twice before and they were trying to prevent him from dying this time. He also complained about Shannon being controlling and trying to mother them all the time. 

I told them that we had already made plans to go to an apartment in a different city, but hadn't planned to leave so soon. I told him we could adjust plans and work it out so that we could save Brandon from dying again this time around.

I'm not sure what the dream means, but I felt like I needed to write it down while I could remember. 

I guess I have to try to understand what Brandon represents to me to fully understand and I haven't quite sorted that out other than I find his energy very calming.

Note to Self, Make Them Birds

Cuckmere by Matthew Piper

Sometimes we come to a point on our journey in which we have gone as far as we can on a specific path, but there isn't a clear path forward.

It's at that point we have to allow ourselves to lay down what we have been working on and create a new path forward of our own making. It won't look familiar because no one but us have been on this path before.

Maybe this is why I am so fond of birds. 😁

Attribution Unknown

Photo by Ondřej Růžička

Self Discovery Through Dreams

The Kiss by Frank Horvat

Dream Journal Entry: January 5, 2022

Last night I dreamed of my old flame, Jason. I don't dream of him often, so it was curious that I did. 

In the dream I am in bed with him and noticed he was naked. He is trying to be intimate with me, which surprised me. I wasn't sure how to react and felt awkward since it had been such a long time since I had kissed anyone. Our last interaction in real life was contentious and combative, at best. In the dream, he mentioned something about fucking me and my mother like he did last time while I was sleeping. 

At times I saw myself from an outside perspective. My hair was quite long, hanging freely, covering part of my face which I guessed was showing me how that part of me hides a little bit. I was surprised at how soft and pretty I looked. Jason remained naked for part of the time and still seemed interested in being with me physically. He moved to try to kiss me again, but I moved away from him, saying I had to do some things. I wanted to kiss him but held myself back.

I found myself in another room getting cleaning supplies to do some mopping. Jason is now dressed and he is offering to help me. I tell him he doesn't have to help, but he is insisting. I don't remember anything else from that dream.

In an earlier dream I was trying to help someone with their wedding preparations. I was helping get things together while chaos was ensuing around me. There was something about getting some makeup for the bride. There were people who didn't like me and were trying to get in the way simply because they didn't like me. I had angry interactions with several people and the aggression was starting to get physical, only I was stronger than them and they were scared of me. I remember one of the people I battled was Lynn. She looks a lot like Alexandra Grant. 

I remember hearing something about there being a food shortage of some kind and I am seeing what I think looks like the back of a semi truck  back end in a vertical position. I have this knowing about it being a vehicle to transport food. This truck was at full dump position and something was said about it is uncertain what will happen at this point. I am seeing the potential for the truck holding its vertical position and being okay and then also seeing it falling over, in which case, all would be lost and people would be without food.

There was a bit where I was trying to say "god" but accidentally said, Mike, which was the name of one of the people in my view. I laughed at my own blunder and said I should always call "god" Mike now.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

The Interpretation:

Real life Jason is sun sign Scorpio. Scorpio happens to rule my house of love in both tropical and vedic astrology. This is a pretty big clue as to what this dream was about. I was dreaming about my house of love where the masculine planet of Mars is ruler for me. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Mars symbol is literally the same as the one for male and Venus' symbol is the same as female.  The outside Jason couldn't exist in my world without there being first an inside one.

What I looked like when I met Jason in 1994.

In real life, we had a short romance in the early 90s just before I moved away from where he lived. He seemed to like me SO much and that scared the shit out of me. The little asshole inside my house of love was very guarded. The real Jason tried to stay in touch, but I ghosted him.

My little Jason in my house of love didn't know how to handle being liked that much.

Fast forward almost 20 years later when I sent out a signal looking for him because I felt bad about running away. I wanted to reconnect. And much to my amazement, I actually found him again and we started talking. I flew to Las Vegas for a night to see his band perform. The little asshole inside of me was now manifesting as a big asshole outside of me. Little asshole rejected him back then, and this time the big asshole rejected me because I didn't look like I did back then anymore. 

Me & real life Jason in April 2012

The thing is, Jason on the outside was showing me how my Jason on the inside was treating that beautiful inner soft feminine who was sort of hiding behind her hair. Inner Jason wasn't very kind to her or very fair. Inner Jason was talking about being with her mother while she was sleeping. Parts of us, our souls...the kinder gentler parts of us...lay sleeping until we can find them and wake them up again. The mother is the original unhealed me, but she had given birth to that kinder, gentler part of self, hence waking her up.

He came to me naked, which could represent exposing himself emotionally in a way he hadn't before. My fifth house inner masculine has been stepping forward and taking over at times and it has been a very interesting experience, to say the least. To be aware of him and listen to him is a wild ride, at times. He is very different to that softer, kinder feminine part of my fifth house. His interests are different and he is more crude and vulgar at times, but I love the contrast. He isn't as interested in spiritual things, but he does love to laugh and play.

With this new astrological understanding and examination of my dream and inner self, I am now thinking about all of those twin dreams I have had and the one about two lions. In my tropical chart I have almost no fire, but when I switch to vedic, I now see two Leo placements...two lions. And instead of the Cancer ascendant I have in western astrology, I now have Gemini, the twins, in Eastern astrology.

Salomé by Vittorio Zecchin, 1913

Know thy self.

Astrology and our planetary placements can help us look at ourselves and get to know ourselves better. My dreams have been trying to speak of these placements, but I wasn't understanding that's what I was seeing. There is something that can be learned and gained by studying both tropical and vedic astrology birth charts to help us better understand our leanings and tendencies based on the influence a planet has in the house it lands in.

Astrology can be seen as very much like deconstructing a recipe that is us to understand each ingredient that makes us who we are as a flavor. Dreams can help us see those astrological placements in a moving picture way to help us see where and how we can bring more balance to a specific house. My inner Jason, the Scorpio, is sort of an asshole and he wants to connect with that part of himself who is softer and gentler, but he doesn't entirely know how to do it. In his warped thinking, physical intimacy IS connection, but it isn't to her. She needs more and needs to connect more deeply before she gives of herself physically.

The semi truck with it's trailer standing vertical seems to be talking about balancing feminine and masculine. The feminine is good at providing food for the soul, but if they, together as one thing, lose balance, the inner population will starve. This is when we become depleted energetically, so it is important to be ones own balanced fuel source. We don't need to take from others to keep going. When balanced, we become like an off grid homestead where we are fully independent, growing our own food and bringing in our own self generated electricity. Sure, we can connect to outside sources and exchange goods should we choose, but we are no longer dependent on others for our well-being. We no longer look outside of self for love, comfort, validation, support, encouragement, approval, etc. We have all of those resources internally and there is no lack of it.

Art by Irina Vitalievna Karkabi

I know there is still plenty of gardening I need to do internally, but I have come so far from that point in which my outer Jason harshly rejected me and that is a really beautiful place to be. My inner Jason has come a long way from where he used to be, and even though he can still be an asshole, I can honestly say I love him and am grateful for his presence which has helped us all grow.