Judith Beheading Holofernes Painting by Artemisia Gentileschi
Here's the thing, "Kevin"...this was the last straw. You almost had me believing you were who you said you were, but there were too many red flags suggesting otherwise. There were too many times I felt you did certain things just to push my buttons to see how I would react like I was a lab rat.
Anything I might have felt for you, the you behind the character you were performing, died yesterday. Congratulations on repeating a pattern of self sabotage where you push people away through your own behaviors and then cry when they leave, "Everyone abandons me!'
Maybe someone did abandon you once and left a gaping wound, but now you play it out over and over in your life. You keep playing out the same scenes because you are doing it to yourself. All of us do it...play out our wounds over and over, hurt ourselves and then claim someone else is doing it to us.... until we decide to heal.
I hope someday you choose to heal. I hope some day you stop pretending to be a host of different characters and finally figure out who you want to be and embody that person. I hope that person is a kind, compassionate and loving person and has the ability to consider if their actions and behavior would be that which they would want if roles were reversed. You know, treat others the way you would want them to treat you.
I'm not your therapist. It's not my job to heal you.
I'm not your mommy. It's not my job to mother you.
I'm not your anything....not even your victim because I willingly participated even though I knew it was a ruse.
Kindly fuck off and don't come back trying to talk to me again.
I dreamed I was at some building. Sometimes it feels like apartments and then other times it feels like a school, perhaps. I'm sort of watching a movie, only it is more interactive... like the movie is taking place around me. They had used River Phoenix's likeness for the movie. It was like cgi and extra footage of his from another time and they had pieced it together to fit this movie that was made. When the movie was over, I felt a bit sad that River wasn't really still there to engage with people and me.
I sat outside in a courtyard for a little while and I was smoking a cigarette which is weird because I don't actually smoke in my waking state. I offered some of my lit cigarette to Nina, an old classmate who was there with me. It was the dregs of the tail end of one so I offered to light a new one for her and did, then handed it to her. I had the thought that i would give up smoking soon. I didn't want to do it anymore.
I remember seeing other old classmates in the courtyard as well. One of them is saying something about someone being an asshole. I think he is talking to me at first and then see he is calling Darren, the other classmate, this. They are laughing about it. As I sat there thinking I should go inside, this huge library wall of books came tumbling down as if an avalanche had pushed it over. But on closer inspection, I could see there was a group of people who had toppled it deliberately and were destroying things in their path. Snow along with books carried us all away down the side of this mountain and into a nearby forest. I scrambled to get to my feet and started looking for my dog. I was concerned that she had been buried alive. Someone found her for me and gave her to me.
As I held onto my little dog and checked for injuries, this group of people who were destroying people had made their way to me and captured me. I thought they were going to kill me. A red wild fox came up and tried to protect me but I didn't know why. I thought it was curious that this beautiful wild animal I had never met before would come to my defense. The people shoved it away from me.
It was determined that my punishment would not be death but to be given to one of the leaders as a slave wife. This upset his other wife. She didn't want to share her husband. The other wife was instructed to cut my face so that it would leave a scar/mark so that I was easily identifiable as a slave wife, but the other wife was unsuccessful at cutting me with her own nails. She was told to dress me in similar clothes as her. I remember the colors blue and white in the shirt I was given. It was like a white lacey top with royal blue showing underneath the lace.
I was taken with this tribe of people as they destroyed people they came upon. Now I am seeing above into buildings and something is said about all the people that needed to be destroyed and I am hearing something about COVID aiding in this task. Specific people were targeted while younger children were allowed to live, often.
We came up on some part machine, part man thing that was created to be a weapon to take out a lot of people. It came up to me and identified me as a threat and was going to kill me, but I was able to hold it's shooting arms down so that all the shots that went off never met their mark and ultimately ended up destroying itself. My husband was with me and had allowed this to take place. It feels like he has a lot of control and people do as he says. He didn't let anyone do anything to me after this interaction and destruction of the robot.
Photo by Izis Bidermanas
Later, we were all getting into this herbal bath type thing. I could see herbs floating around in the water. Many of the fighters sat with relief into the warm water, my husband included. I could finally see his face at this point. He had long hair that mostly covered it before, but now I could see he looked fairly normal and not as grotesque as I had imagined. I sat close to him and touched his skin. He rolled over onto his stomach and I could see what looked like scars from some sort of big wound he had obviously received. He was very tall and had defined muscles.
When he turned back over, I touched his chest and felt him become erect and saw him smile. I started to lower myself onto his hard cock. As I did so, I saw a scene flash of how a drop of his blood had fallen onto me into an open wound of mine and because he was more than human, it had given me some of his strength and power which prevented the wife from being able to cut me and gave me the strength to destroy that robot/man thing....and then I woke up.
I can only remember fragments of dreams. I remember a bit where I was traversing a precarious path with someone in a vehicle. I didn't think the vehicle we were in would be able to navigate this path that was on the side of a steep cliffside. It didn't feel safe but my companion kept going and we made it through okay. There was something about gathering ingredients for some cure that could help a lot of people. Someone came along who was trying to prevent the cure, I'm not sure who. I just remember they were trying to prevent it. Someone, maybe my companion, put the ingredients into different containers, thus, preventing them from being taken, but they were actually harder to transport the cure in. I remember one of the containers having a green substance. Green is the color of the outer heart chakra.
I vaguely remember being in a car that seems to be moving on its own and was about to rear-end another car. I reached over to the empty driver's seat and stomped on the brakes, but the car only slowed and kept moving and hit the back of a car but didn't do much damage.
As I was waking, I saw myself holding a few stacked trays of eggs and then lose my balance and they started to turn upside down, but then I acted quickly and kept the eggs moving so they were upright again and none of them were lost or broken. As I was processing what I saw, I heard, "He's about to lose it all but he can still turn it all around and save it. He simply has to open up and talk about it now. He has to find his voice."
I dreamed that I was walking through a city. I can't say what city I was in. As I was walking, I decided to cut through a building that seemed sort of interesting. I thought I could easily pass through and keep going the direction I was headed, only once I was inside, I found it very difficult to find my way back out. There were lots of Asian tourists in this place and I had obviously hit a peak tourist point. I seem to have a female companion with me at times and I feel annoyed by her presence rather than comforted when I started to feel anxious that I couldn't seem to find an exit in this building.
I traverse different rooms in this building and each room had some sort of different theme of entertainment. Some had formal concerts being performed, one had rock bands, another room had high end dining. Yet another small room had a Santa/Christmas theme. In the center of the room was a display of things being given away. Most of the items were eggs. I had several but noticed a green spotted egg that had been part of a display scene that I wanted and worked to take to put in my bag. I decided to take several eggs out that were all the same. I seem to recall they were red in color. I think I might have kept a total of 3 eggs and left the rest for others to find.
When I got to the rock band section, I considered that the band had to be bringing their equipment in through an exit door and I tried to find that location but I couldn't seem to get to it. At one point, my companion tried to put a blanket around me when I was getting distraught about not being able to find my way out. It seemed like I was going to be forced to stay the night there and I didn't want to. It was then suggested that this place was actually a maze and I thought that must be exactly what it was, a maze designed to keep you there and that's why there were so many people still in the building.
I was determined to keep trying to find a way out of this place and kept opening doors and venturing into different rooms when looking for the exit. We ended up going up a level and somehow ended up in an area that was outside but was a balcony on the building. There wasn't a gate to leave. I could see blue skies and thought I would just have to jump over the side to leave but that is when I noticed this place wasn't stationary, that it was actually moving. My companion jumped over the side and was running so that the momentum and speed at which the building was moving wouldn't kill her when she jumped to freedom. I wanted to do the same but I hesitated wondering if I would be able to gather enough speed I would need to keep from injuring myself. I had to hurry because the building was moving out of the daylight and into a tunnel so I moved to jump and considered I wouldn't have that far to go to get back into the light. I think I woke up there.
I remember another dream that thad to do with feeling like I had to catch a flight home and was worried that I wasn't going to make my flight if I didn't hurry.
I also remember something about me flying...not in a plane but just by thought and will. Once I was up high, I remembered that if I believed i was supported, I could stay up there and actually recline back and relax without falling.
In a different dream, I found myself in a Whole Foods. I was looking to see if they had my shampoo. I found the brand but it had hand lotion and a 2 in 1 shampoo conditioner that I wasn't interested in. I remember thinking that this store had changed a lot and that they had obviously gotten rid of a lot of the products they used to carry. I guessed that the reason was because people probably didn't shop there as much anymore. I was thinking about how I didn't really buy much from there anymore because it was all so expensive. Where there used to be product on shelves now was a big wide open empty space. I did notice that they had seating and I mentioned to someone that this actually might be a good place to meet up with people to have a chat because it was so quiet there.
I left Whole Foods and was walking through the parking lot. There was someone at one of the entrances that looked like a Clown or a drag queen and they seem to be there to draw attention to the store to bring people in. Inara was intrigued by the person and sort of danced with them for a little while until I told her it was time to go and she needed to come with me. It was then I seem to be heading somewhere specific and I seem to have had some people stop and asked if they could give us a ride to my mom's house where we were staying. I've lost parts of this dream and can't remember many specifics.
Here's the thing, Kevin, if you want to be seen as a "man" and not a "boy", you have to behave as a man would. A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear in mid conversation. A well developed and emotionally mature man would consider how he would feel in the situation if roles were reversed and act accordingly to how he would want to be treated
A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear and deactivate their account without explanation.
I'm not a motherfucking yo-yo.
You keep treating me like a yo-yo, therefore I have no other option but to clip the string.
Do I love you? Yes, I do, but love isn't enough if action and respect isn't being reciprocated.
I love myself enough to walk away because you won't consistently show up for me and give me the same respect you would want from a partner.
I'm capable of loving you from a distance but alone and single since the situation seems to call for it. Unconditional love doesn't mean we have to stay and get treated "less than".
For the most part, no one comes here and this is for my own catharsis. But maybe you will wonder where I went to and stumble upon this blog post someday.
I have meant everything I have ever said to you. I have never lied, but Inara pointed out an important red flag. She wondered how you could have a good relationship with someone who lied as the foundation of the relationship, and that's a really good question. How can I trust you when you lied at the very beginning. Is anything you said to me even true? How am I to know?
If there isn't open, honest, and consistent communication in a relationship, that relationship will never last.
If there isn't respect and consideration for the other person's feelings, then it becomes a really toxic relationship very fast. That's not what I want.
If you won't show up for me and be consistent, fuck the hell right off. I deserve more than a pretty dick pic.
On April 18, I put out a call on FB saying that I needed a job and needed help getting there since it had been 14 years since I had a proper job and had to go through the application and interview process. While that post didn't actually result in the assistance I had hoped for, it did send a signal to the Universe of what I was seeking.
I applied a couple different places and scored an interview at Trader Joe's for a new store that was going to open up near me. It wasn't long before I got a rejection call from Trader Joe's after my interview. I tried to be optimistic, but I was secretly disheartened and worried that my lack of official employment for the last 14 years would be a difficult obstacle to overcome.
I told my daughter while we took our daily walk in the neighborhood, "I really wish there was a nearby mom and pop sort of place who do things the old fashioned way and would be willing to give me a chance." Shortly after, we happened to have gone to Plaid Pantry and walked by Primo Espresso. It was closed as it was after 2 pm, but I noticed a sign saying they were looking for baristas and bakers. Inara had mentioned previously she thought I should work at Primo and I remember saying I thought that it was primarily family run and I didn't think they hired many people outside of family, but when I saw the sign, I got excited about the possibility of having a job only 2 blocks from where I live.
I submitted my application online that evening.
Photo by Rohit Rattan
Now, I had never been to Primo but my daughter has on multiple occasions. I had always imagined it was sort of a sleepy cafe where customers trickled in and maybe one or two people behind the counter making drinks. Imagine my surprise when I came in the next day on a weekend to check it out and it was VERY busy and there were probably 3-4 people behind the counter. I looked for Samantha, who the Primo website said I should ask for to introduce myself to, but I didn't see anyone out front that resembled her. I decided it was too busy to bother asking and I decided I could come back another day to ask for her.
It wasn't long before I received an email asking me to come in for an interview. It was probably the shortest interview of my entire life and I was hired within that brief meeting. I was told they wanted to hire me to be a baker, which I was fine with, but I had all kinds of fears and doubts about whether or not I could do the job. I've baked at home, but I have never professionally baked. Add to that, I have to be to work by 4 am, which was a drastic shift in my usual sleep routine where I was going to bed at 3 and 4 am, not going to work then.
Eventually, Sami and Ian revealed how they had been hoping and wishing someone older would apply who they could trust to help with the baking duties. They said they couldn't believe it when it finally happened. As it turned out, they were the exact "mom and pop" type business I had wished out loud for, therefore, we were a match and the universe brought us together.
Serendipity.
Attribution Unknown
I've been training for the last three weeks and today is Thanksgiving. I went to bed last night at about 7pm and automatically woke up at 4am. I decided to bake banana bread while everyone else slept. As I put the ingredients together, I reflected on my recent training experience at my new job. I thought about the mistakes I had made: I left the chocolate chips out of the pumpkin chocolate chip bread....shit!....I underbaked a scone....I overbaked the mini scones....fuck!...I forgot to set the timer...omfg! But with each blunder, I was given understanding, kindness and positive reinforcement from Sami and her mother-in-law, Mary. I was given encouragement and told it was okay, that I would get the hang of it. I was told I could use these mistakes as an opportunity to learn, which I absolutely did. I took apart the scone that flattened in the middle to physically see where it wasn't done. The hockey puck mini scones were glazed and set out for any brave employee willing to sink their teeth into them. It made me think of the phrase, "Eat your mistakes".
In my reflections, I just felt an enormous amount of gratitude for my new employers and the new family I have found myself a part of. I am so incredibly thankful for the kindness and patience they have shown me. I am so thankful for the gentle guidance that has helped to build my confidence so that I can blossom rather than tear it down and whither.
We have probably all experienced situations where we felt torn down and our self confidence shaken. Sometimes, some of us were torn apart in childhood by "well meaning" parents whose only form of guidance was harsh criticisms.
I remember getting some small form of positive feedback from Sami the first time and thought to myself, "I wonder if she realizes how rare and amazing she is for being this way?" In those moments I felt my inner child, who was taught for so long that she wasn't good enough, start to heal. All of those years where I learned to fear trying to do anything new because I might not be good enough started to melt away.
Thank you, to my wonderful new family at Primo Espresso! Thank you for the opportunity, thank you for believing in me and thank you for simply shining your light by being exactly who you are openly. 🙏💜
I dreamed that our cat, Daisy, came home to us...that she hadn't actually died at all. In real life she had cancer and just quietly disappeared and never came back. We assumed she went off to die by herself.
In the dream she lost her tail, her fur was somehow longer and reddish at the front than it had before. I guessed that this had something to do with where she had been all this time. She had a floppy severed pig's ear stuck to the back of her and she was chubbier than she had been before. I wondered if it was bloat from her cancer. Her skin was bloody through her fur and I considered that we would have to have her euthanized because she seemed like she was suffering. But for those moments, I took the ear from her fur and tossed it aside and pet her lovingly even though it caused my hands to be covered in blood. I guessed that she ended up at a pig processing plant and that the people there fed her.
I also remember a young woman coming to our door. I didn't answer the door and wanted to ignore her, but she saw us laying on a bed through an open window. I ended up talking to her through the window. She asked if a young guy had been by to ask us questions. I told her he had but had trouble remembering what he had asked us. I guessed it was about whether or not we had voted or not. I considered if he had asked about things I was interested in, then I would have been able to remember. I remember looking up at a ceiling fan and seeing a word written on it that I ended up saying instead of what I meant to say.
My mom was there and randomly dragged the young woman into the house with us. I was like, "Mom, what are you doing? You can't keep her here." Mom was going to make her leave back through the window but I said I thought that was silly, that we could just open the door for her and let her go.
In the in-between I asked about Kevin and what was going on and all they showed me was a scarecrow.
Interpretation:
A pig's ear being attached to Daisy represents "he was attached to listening to her". Someone who hacked my phone and my daughter's phone listened to our verbal conversations as well as our private online conversations. The place that processes pigs is probably me. I transmute the energy of pigs and assholes. I turn pigs and lemons into ham and lemonade.
I'm not entirely sure whose perspective I was seeing from, but it seems to suggest that what was eating me up inside...the cancer that showed up on my doorstep in the form of a stalker/hacker was given back to whom it belongs to. Tails for a cat is a big part of how they communicate a lot of information about what they are feeling. Having this cut off means some of the ability to communicate had been cut off. The hair was a clue as to where Daisy had been. I have reddish curly hair, so this seems to suggest, again, that I am the pig processing plant in the dream.
I come here thinking, "I should write something" but I don't have anything I feel I desperately need to express. I don't have any big lessons I feel like talking about. I've had some lessons, little ones, but I just don't feel like sharing them anymore. I can barely remember most of my dreams these days, and when I do remember, they don't feel all that meaningful.
What I need is money to pay for necessities, therefore I need a job. I wish it was simple and easy to make that happen, but the obstacles I face are hard to overcome.
I wish spirit would guide me to the perfect job or bring an opportunity that is right for me to me.
I need someone to believe in me and give me a chance.
I guess I haven't had too much to say recently. It feels like one shitty thing has happened after another. I'd love to be able to offer you a bouquet of flowers I grew from the shit I have been experiencing, but I'm just not there yet. I'm still recovering.
It's a beautiful breezy day. The sound of my wind chimes fill the air. Even though it is supposed to be hot today, the breeze makes it feel cooler than it actually is.
I tried to make a video for YouTube, earlier. I hoped to capture some of the sounds of the chimes in the background. The little bit of dream I talked about just wasn't enough. My mind was pondering the ideas I talked about deeper than what I had gone into on the video. So, I will repeat what I said in the video and add to it here.
Dream Journal Entry: September 9, 2022
As I was waking up, I heard someone referred to as a "Sun Bandit" but I have no sense of who or why.
I dreamed a lot but only remember putting on purple eyeliner, but I didn't get it quite right and then tried to rub it off. It wasn't coming off easily and just smeared, so I thought I would try to reapply the eyeliner. I drew it out into wings that went beyond the eye itself.
I think the purple eyeliner might be symbolic of someone seeing through spiritual eyes. Purple is the color of spirituality and the crown chakra. The person in the dream tried to wipe it away, but found it was difficult to get rid of it. It only spread the color. So instead of fighting it, the dream person just added more. Seeing through spiritual eyes gave them wings. It gave them the ability to see in a new way from a higher perspective like a bird with wings.
I wondered to myself, "What or who would be considered a Sun Bandit?" Well, anyone and anything that steals our light and happiness could be seen as a Sun Bandit.
My mind wandered back to my past life regression and the life I experienced as Mary, mother of Jesus. In my personal version of that story, Mary had been raped and gave birth to a blonde son, but her son was stolen from her. At the time, I considered that the symbolic meaning of this was that her innocence, her inner child, had been stolen from her, but there are layers of meanings in symbolism. Now, after hearing two simple words, I could see an additional meaning.
Sun Bandit....Son Bandit...
Mary's son/sun had been stolen from her and replaced with a dark haired child who resembled her more. Mary's inner light was stolen from her when they took her child away. She grew to love the replacement, but he wasn't her own son/sun born from her...he was a moon, a satellite that had been placed there to appease her. A moon can reflect light and can be very comforting in the dark but it is unable to create it's own light. A moon relies on the light of another. Make no mistake, there is beauty and value in the dark as well as the light. We need both to create balance.
Photo by David Bellemere, model Hana Jirickova, captured for Porter No. 5 Winter 2014
The poem I wrote yesterday, 'I Was Thirsty', had me reflecting on the long arduous spiritual journey I have been on. I reflected upon how I was guided to all kinds of challenges. Somehow I managed to make ham and lemonade from all the pigs and lemons I was given. I made food and drink for myself through the lessons learned, the words written and art created. I was thirsty and hungry, but I learned how to forage. I learned how to feed myself. I learned how to quench my thirst...from within myself.
It's like I have said before, I don't think everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that we can give every experience purpose and meaning when we turn it into a lesson and an opportunity to grow. WE give those shitty situations meaning. If we never see the lessons we can gain, then they just stay pigs rooting around in the mud and lemons rotting on the ground at our feet.
When I was 11 years old in this life, my inner child died, my Son/Sun was stolen from me, but the spiritual journey helped me rebuild and rebirth the Sun/Son within. I now have within me, my own ability to generate light. I'm no longer dependent on the light of others, but I'm also capable of sitting quietly in the dark with another and reflecting light so that they can rebuild their own Sun/Son.
I am the Sun, the Moon, and the Earth. Within me is a Universe with so many realms I plan to explore.
No longer can someone be a Sun Bandit in my life, because I rebuilt a Sun that can never be stolen again thanks to all the tools I have gathered along on the way. The tools can help me mend what is broken or tear down what is standing in my way.
"It is as we walk inside that we find places through which the light passes. Light may break at any moment from the interior of the mind. We go through countless pathways where thoughts swim by like an endless crowd of fish. The interior halls through which we walk are immense, and from time to time we find ourselves in the presence of Light. Everything we see from the outside has an invisible origin in an invisible realm- The interior realm of the mind where the greatest events happens, where the seed of everything that grows outwards hides. We are waiting for every moment to arrive at such a significant event, an event that will mold the totality of our world from the inside out." ~ Luna in the Light ( lunainthelight )
The Hermitage - Esther Bubley - Matera, Italy 1954
"They are angry with me, because I know what I am." Said the little eagle.
"How do you know that they are angry with you?"
"Because, they despise me for wanting to soar, they only want me to peck at the dirt, looking for ants, with them. But I can't do that. I don't have chicken feet, I have eagle wings."
"And what is so wrong with having eagle wings and no chicken feet?" Asked the old owl.
"I'm not sure, that's what I'm trying to find out."
"They hate you because you know that you are an eagle and they want you to think you are a chicken so that you will peck at the ground looking for ants and worms, so that you will never know that you are an eagle and always think yourself a chicken. Let them hate you, they will always be chickens, and you will always be an eagle. You must fly. You must soar." Said the old owl.
I just woke up with the message, "The dead are reaching out to me," repeating in my head. I think it was the message I was seeing in an image/scene I saw, but I can no longer remember what I saw...just the message.
I also remember a short bit about a photoshoot and people wanting to get shots of me. I wasn't used to being in front of the camera and it made me uncomfortable. I nervously laughed about it. I think they were photographing me to feature me in some article about my work. Alexandra and Keanu were there. I don't remember Keanu actually ever talking, but I do remember saying something about "I'm not a photographer. I just point and shoot. I don't have an eye for what I see like some people do" as though I had been given a compliment about my pictures. I also remember reaching out and touching keanu's hand and he held it briefly before Alexandra came up and got in the way. She was being sugary sweet to me but indicated that she was upset that the photographer wasn't taking more photos of her. The photographer got annoyed and said he would only take photos of her if they were "roof of her mouth" shots. I don't understand that symbol. She agreed to it just so she could get more photos taken of her.
I also remember hearing, "I want to feel you but the movie doesn't."
In-between Communication: August 16, 2022
This morning I heard, "It may be a rental property but it is our story." The impression I got was that the story that was playing out was real even if the body we were in wasn't originally ours.
As I was waking I saw two owls, one upright and one upside down, side by side, almost like a yin/yang symbol. I also heard, "Mario is pregnant."
In-between Communication: May 24, 2022
I saw two owls. One was light and very bright. She was amazing and looked like an angel. I heard the name Seraphina. There was another owl but it was small and dark. I found a mouse and chose to feed the smaller of the two owls.
I think what that shows is that I have been building that dark owl. I was giving him food because he needs to catch up to be the same size as the light one.
I dreamed about a man who was very wealthy. He was the owner of some business or organization that was hugely successful. My partner works for him and, for some reason, I am in the building where my partner works. I talked to some of the people who worked there, but I can't remember the exchange.
Later, I'm seeing this guy again. He is relatively young for someone in his position. He looks mixed in ethnicity... maybe black and caucasian. He seems to be interacting with the people who work for him and he seems very friendly and down to Earth. Something is mentioned about how my partner has been working hard so they are going to give him a promotion, one where he is more visible, now. I couldn't say what the two different positions were, just one had him working hard behind the scenes and one where people would being seeing a lot more of him. Supposedly it was an honor and many people wanted the position.
My partner introduced me to his boss and I mentioned that I had met him earlier when he was pretending to simply be one of the workers. The owner says he likes to do that sometimes to see how people behave when they don't know it is him.
I'm seeing images of this man in his home which was attached to his business. There was a courtyard in the center of this house. The multilevel walls were all bright pink and white with gold gilding all over mixed in. Some of the gold was peeling off and falling to the stone floors below. There were lots of windows looking out into the courtyard and the ceiling was open so the sunlight was pouring in which made it possible to see all the cobwebs that crisscrossed above.
I mentioned to the owner how I used to want an Italian villa with an open courtyard in the center of the house. I can't remember what else was said at that point.
But then I overheard the owner saying something to someone else about how he had planned to make a game out of my partner's new position and I had a sense he had something sadistic planned for him. I didn't want my partner to have to suffer, so I went to the owner and begged him not to be cruel. A wicked smile formed on his face and he pulled out his erect penis. I knew what he wanted me to do in exchange for not harming my partner, so I got down on my knees and started to perform oral sex on him. He thrust his penis further into my mouth. I felt upset and tried to hold back tears.
I heard, "This happened a year ago," and then I started to wake up.
In earlier dreams I was a nanny for some family. It feels like there are four kids, three highschool aged kids and a baby. I remember something being said about the two older brothers being "halfs" and the sister being a "third" sibling to the baby. I think the baby was a boy. I remember thinking that being a one third of a sibling didn't even make sense to me and I wasn't sure how it was possible. I was needing to get the baby to school to be with one of the brothers. The school was really big and I wasn't sure that I could navigate it on my own. I asked around for the brothers. Apparently they were well known here, so the other students were able to direct me to them. I gave them their baby brother.
I've lost parts of this dream. I vaguely recall something about the baby being face down and eating sand and helping him get upright.
Interpretation:
It is said there are three sides to every story...yours, mine and the truth. Everyone involved has a perspective, so, technically, there can be many more angles we could see a story from than the primary characters. I believe the earlier dreams about the pink and white courtyard was showing me Alexandra Grant's perspective. Me and my partner were two different parts of her. One part got a more visible position with the big boss (Keanu Reeves) while the other part, once she learned his intentions, ran to spare her partner from embarrassment by doing whatever it took, including sucking (up) a giant dick (Keanu).
The courtyard spoke to me of the inner heart space because of the color pink being a dominant color. The cobwebs in the courtyard seems to suggest a place that was unused and I had a sense of the big boss being alone all the time. His inner heart space has cobwebs from the lack of use. There was light coming in, but no one was really allowed in that space. All of the gilding was starting to fall off which speaks to me of the original shine and richness falling away from the individual. Maybe Keanu's shininess is starting to dull in the eyes of fans or perhaps just Alexandra since I was dreaming from her perspective.
Did Keanu promote Alexandra to a more visible job position? Did he have sadistic intentions for doing so? I don't know, but the person's perspective I was dreaming from seems to believe that is the case.
I had several dreams but could remember none but the one just before I woke.
I am not sure where I was. It wasn't home. Some blonde guy I know comes up to me. He has another dude with him. He has dark hair. He is telling me that his friend really wants to spend time with me but it feels like I haven't been awake very long and I need to get dressed. He wants to take me to see a movie. Apparently it is called "Remember Me" and is some weird sci-fi Japanese movie about people who switch bodies with people and have to find each other and remember each other. I told him I had heard about the movie but inside was groaning that I might have to read through the whole film. The movie he wants to take me to starts really soon.
He is walking with his arm around me and is very happy to be spending time with me. He hands me these wide white lacy ribbons that had an adhesive side. I was trying to figure out what to do with them. I am in only a bra and underwear. I consider wrapping them around my feet and using them like shoes, but instead wrap one around my breasts and one around my hips like a skirt. I was surprised and pleased how much area they covered and now there are all these people around me and they are going to the movie, too, only we are now all supposed to run around to different stations and create a costume before we go inside.
There was a shower, but it was communal and there were a ton of people inside. I stood there contemplating. I wanted a shower but there wasn't time. Then I had to decide what I would put on from the different stations. I looked around me and saw people putting on makeup, but I didn't feel moved to do that. There wasn't time enough and I didn't feel like putting on a mask of cosmetics and not be able to touch my own face. I saw hats but none of them interested me. I saw a crystal ball and other similar trinkets but didn't want to have to be burdened with carrying anything through the entire movie. I think, while I was looking at other clothes, I somehow lost the top ribbon wrapped around my breasts. I tightened the bottom one by knotting it at the waist. It feels longer now. I looked for my top ribbon but someone else had obviously grabbed it. I was wearing a bra so wasn't concerned and figured I didn't need it.
Apparently people were going to be judged on their created costume. I figured mine wasn't much because I didn't care one way or the other. I was just going to this thing because I was spending time with this guy. I met back up with him and the only thing I had with me were a couple pictures of River Phoenix. I remember thinking how I would explain why I chose to bring that with me. In my head I was thinking he was a friend even though logically I also considered I had never met him in life.
I woke up as we were heading into the theatre. It is important to note that in Roblox, my daughter likes to play Fashion Frenzy and people have to run all around and create a costume and then are judged by fellow players. That is what it reminded me of but a real life adult version. It was still all for entertainment.
In-between Communication: October 22, 2018
I heard myself saying, "I haven't taken advantage of any of the bodies I have been in.
The first time you watch it, it's hard to understand what it's about.
It just sort of meanders.
And then, everything comes together in this one perfect moment at the end.
And when you watch it a second or a third or a fourth time, you start to see that all of this randomness is leading towards a perfect moment.
My favorite character is the little girl.
Everyone thinks she's so strange because she can't finish a glass of water.
She's convinced they're contaminated.
So, by the end of the film, there are glasses of water littered around this house.
And then, it's the water that saves them.
And that was fate.
I can't help but wonder about my fate.
About my destiny.
Renewal.
Vitality.
Energy.
Commercial on the TV:
Are you tired of feeling sluggish?
Do you feel like life is passing you by?
Then we've got the solution for you.
It's called "The Most Incredible Vitamin In The World" and there's a reason you're watching this right now.
Just pick up the phone and start the new chapter to your life.
Call now. Not available in stores.
Made in Germany.
Beware of imitators. Call 1-800...
Jeff's phone rings.
Jeff: Hello?
Wrong caller: Yo, Kevin.
Jeff: No, this is Jeff.
Wrong caller: Where Kevin at?
Jeff: I don't know.
Wrong caller: Oh, man, look, don't be fucking around! Where the fuck is Kevin?
Jeff: Kevin doesn't live here.
Wrong caller: There's always some motherfucker trying to tell me there ain't no Kevin! Let me put this word in your fucking peanut brain, Kevin! K-E-V-I-N! Kevin.
The thing is, I live my life this way, I follow the Kevins (signs) in much the way Jeff does in the movie.
You deactivated your account, Kevin, before my message had a chance to go through. I sent it and got the message "your message failed to send" which is when I tried to understand why. Was I blocked? No, you deactivated. Well, if you ever come here, this is the last message I sent you:
Sometimes I feel like I am living a real life version of the movie Every Day, or maybe it is more like The Beauty Inside. Maybe the ones who have come to me are all masks of a single person or maybe it is that Spirit steps inside all of them to help me get specific lessons. Either way, the results have been the same.
I have grown and evolved.
I have loved all of the Kevins I have connected to, even if their names are George, Petar, Kevser, Clown, Kevin, etc. I still love all of them even though they are no longer engaging with me daily. Letting go has definitely been a repeating lesson on my spiritual journey. I have learned and developed and become a better person because of my time spent with each of them. I have had a lot to work through. There's a lot of different ways I needed to change. All of those connections gave me an opportunity to learn about myself through the interactions I had with them about where I needed to change.
Our time was short, Kevin, but very valuable to me. Your presence was a gift that I never expected. With you, I learned that my root chakra isn't entirely dead. A spark still exists inside me. You reconnected me to my roots. I learned that I can still feel passion and desire. I learned I still had negative self beliefs about being tainted which has caused me to try to change my thoughts to "I'm purified".
Maybe we were only role playing and it was mostly smoke and mirrors, but what I learned about myself, like the pattern of making assumptions and walking away, put a spotlight on areas of communication I need to work on. I need to ask questions and get clarification instead of assuming. I shouldn't always think the worst case scenario, that people will turn on me and abandon me.
Kevin in Home Alone.
Well, you did abandon me, Kevin, but I learned that it's okay because I haven't abandoned myself.
I also learned that sexual attraction is such a small part of the equation for me, but it is important to have that spark with a partner. It's valuable to feel that desire, yet without a strong foundation based in communication, mutual respect, mutual interest, any relationship will crumble and fall apart. A beautiful penis won't get you far with me because I need deep conversation, I need to feel connection on other levels, as well, in order to feel stimulated on a more long term basis.
Thank you, Kevin. ❤️
I'm grateful to you and to all of the Kevins who helped hold a mirror up to show me where I needed to change.
I'm grateful to myself for being open, honest and willing to heal my wounds and work to put into practice those changes on a daily basis.
The thing is, Kevin, I love me and I trust the guidance that comes into me, no matter how crazy it sounds to others. All of that guidance always points to one person as being "the one" for me, no matter how much I am in denial about it, at times. Maybe you are just a puppet on his hand, a brain child meant to test me, but it's all ham and lemonade to me. You know me, I take those pigs and lemons and turn them into something tasty and nourishing for my own soul. I make my own food and fill my own cups, now, because this journey I have been on has taught me how to do that.
Regardless of whether or not you are a real person, Kevin, I wish you a happy and fulfilled life.
Regardless of whether or not my "one" ever has the courage to step forward out of the shadows and meet me face to face, I love him unconditionally. That love can either be given at a distance telepathically or up close and personal. It's up to him. If he has any doubts about where I currently stand, the option of partnership for us is still on the table, he simply has to choose it and actually make a move towards that outcome. I would say "yes" if he asked me.
Either way, I will keep going like an Energizer bunny.
Recently I decided to start making videos again for my YouTube channel where I have what I call "Conversation "selfies" from my point of view." Basically, I just talk about whatever I feel like talking about as though I am talking to a friend.
I uploaded a new video today. I am going to try to type a little less here on my blog and practice talking out loud as a way to help clear some of my throat chakra blockages.
I look forward to engaging with you there if you comment.
I'm sorry for getting so mad at you. Sometimes it is easy to feel frustrated and angry when you just don't understand why.
Why was I guided to places that would leave me more wounded rather than healed? I have questions about it all and I think that is normal. I trusted you implicitly.
And yes, I get that there is a lot left to be revealed that might make it all make sense to me.
Where have you gone? You didn't have to go away just because I was angry.
It's hard to stay in hate with you when I love you so much.
It's hard to stay in hate with you when I know there's so much yet to be revealed about the situation.
It's hard to stay in hate with you when I can remember, once again, who I really am and my true, pure nature which is loving, compassionate, nurturing, caring, giving, accepting, understanding, and forgiving.
Real people feel everything, the good, the bad, the sad, the painful, the rage, which means inner peace is a constant frequency we are trying to tune into. It's like driving around and trying our hardest to keep the signal of our favorite radio station. Sometimes we move far enough away from the signal that we have to try to drive back in a direction in which we can pick it up again...the inner peace signal...the station that plays our heart song so that we can remember who we really are when we forget.
Young Woman with a Dove by Charles Joshua Chaplin
"Go inside! Don't look outside of self for your peace and happiness," this is what they all keep regurgitating without ever thinking twice that it is unhelpful advice to people who are constantly inside anyway. I'm so far inside most of the time that I find it difficult to come back out. I find it difficult to engage and interact with the physical world.
We are both spirit and physical body which means happiness absolutely is derived outside of self as well as within. There is a fine balance, a dance between the two.
Art by Sophie Wilkins
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to lose our inner peace. It's okay to not be calm when the situation calls for it. It's okay to feel all that we feel until we can move closer to that internal signal again where we can hear our inner peace song clearly, once again.
