Baking and Energetic Ingredients

"To recognize one's own insanity is, of course, the arising of sanity, the beginning of healing and transcendence."

Eckhart Tolle

I'm taking a little break from raking leaves while mentally dangling my feet off a slowly swaying porch swing in my mind. 

Our experiences help us reflect on ourselves and our journeys. Today, I had an experience where I had to face who I have been and the mistakes I've made. So many times I sought outside myself for answers. So many times I took action outside myself when, I am fairly certain, I should have simply observed and taken action only internally.

Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Funny how this is the year 2020 and it is a clusterfuck of a year that is forcing us to go within whether we like it or not. It can be said that it is the year for gaining clarity, should we take the challenges as opportunities.

I was guided to specific people on my journey who I should have simply observed to find the similarities and the patterns to myself. If only I had known I didn't really need to charge and take action in such a way that made me look completely insane. If only I hadn't taken action in a way that stepped on toes and infringed upon others boundaries and what was fair. In my over-zealousness, I charged like Don Quixote full steam ahead into a windmill that had each person who had the misfortune of experiencing my temporary spiritual insanity tied to a blade.

In my desire to follow the guidance in an askew sort of way, I identified people thinking "We're supposed to connect! I'm supposed to work with you." I pushed myself on people who probably would have rather not have me there...but I couldn't see from that perspective. I was doing what I thought spirit was asking of me, after all. Interpretations of information isn't always easy and sometimes we get it wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I learned SO much along the way... mistakes and all...but I do wish someone could have explained to me what I know now. I wish someone could have told me what I am about to explain here.

Knowing what I know now, I now understand that each person, living or dead, who I have been guided to is a valuable ingredient for the recipe that is me. Each person I encounter has something to teach me about me in order to heal... something I want to change. And each person also contains something I want to emulate and put into my mixing bowl. We could see them as wheat in its raw form and needing to process it before the part we want to mix in can be added.

When we recognize a similar pattern and problem in another or we see in them what we no longer want to be, we are rolling the wheat and separating the wheat berries from the chaff  of ourselves. My mistake was trying to rip the chaff from another with my words. It isn't my place to do that for another, only for myself. Once we have the wheat berries, which are the aspects we admire in another that we know we need more of in the recipe that is us, we have to process it and grind it in order to add the highest version of it and have it blend into the mix more easily. The grinding it into flour is us trying to practice what we want to emulate. 

I didn't actually need to have interaction with the living ones to get to the parts I wanted to keep and take with me. I didn't have to try to bend them to my way of thinking. I simply needed to observe and then look inward to understand what I needed to learn so that I could become a higher version of myself.

Going forward, I now see everyone as an energetic ingredient with their own very unique flavor. We can add these ingredients to our recipe to change the flavor of us. Of course, we can choose to interact with those we are guided to, but we can be less temporarily insane and more conscious in our interactions with others while we enthusiastically develop our individual flavor. We don't have to infringe upon someone else's boundaries and try to change them. We only have to change ourselves until we reach a flavor we like. 

No one can heal us but ourselves.

Healer, heal thyself.

Everything that is outside of us, first starts within us.

Be silent and listen: have you recognized your madness and do you admit it? Have you noticed that all your foundations are completely mired in madness? Do you not want to recognize your madness and welcome it in a friendly manner? You wanted to accept everything. So accept madness too. Let the light of your madness shine, and it will suddenly dawn on you. Madness is not to be despised and not to be feared, but instead you should give it life...If you want to find paths, you should also not spurn madness, since it makes up such a great part of your nature...Be glad that you can recognize it, for you will thus avoid becoming its victim. Madness is a special form of the spirit and clings to all teachings and philosophies, but even more to daily life, since life itself is full of craziness and at bottom utterly illogical. Man strives toward reason only so that he can make rules for himself. Life itself has no rules. That is its mystery and its unknown law. What you call knowledge is an attempt to impose something comprehensible on life.

C.G. Jung, The Red Book: A Reader's Edition

 ***Image credit: Art by Chie Yoshii

Dream: Satan Sees Clearly in Hell

November 16, 2020 

Dream from last night...

"Satan can see clearly in hell, but he can't see in the light." Heard this just now.. I repeated it to someone in the dream who said this guy was dying that had hold of me and I had tried to move away from. When I saw him clearer, later, it seems he is this couple's teenage son. I think it was Covid related and he was dying from a neurological issue. He didn't have much longer to live. When I repeated what I heard to them, I said, "I just heard, 'Satan can see clearly in hell, but he can't see in the light'. Meaning, someone who can only see what they need to do when they are suffering and their life is a mess, but they can't see what they should be doing when everything is going well."

There was this guy eyeing me. He reminded me of Jack Black and he is saying gross things to me. I get up to move away, but he follows me to provoke me more. I had a pencil as did he and I took his pencil from him and threatened to stab him but didn't. He started to pursue me further when I tried to walk away. He was saying something about me talking really loudly and I agreed and said that was true because I wanted to draw people's attention to what a creep he was being. I made a final move to get away from this guy while others subdued him.

It seems all of this is taking place at my former employer's house. I am calling my daughter 'Meghan' by accident because she reminds me of her a lot. I see Thomas there and it is strange how much he still sounds like a little boy even though he is a grown man. He was laying on the bed talking about Pokemon. 

I remember seeing Jill and she had bought a sari for some event with some Indians and she was trying it on. I told her I liked it and it looked nice. I remember seeing Kerry but I can't remember the exchange with him.

I remember having seen myself laying my head on a red throw pillow. I had been resting, but when people started to come, I got up and left where I had been laying.

There were bits about seeing Cillian Murphy on stage performing in a play. There was something about knowing him previously, maybe past life related. There were other Cillian scenes but I can't remember them clearly enough to write about them in detail.

It think I was seeing an inner battle take place within someone.

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***Image credits: An etching of "Somnus" (1923), god of sleep, lifting up a sleeping woman into the realm of dreams, in a starry sky at the full moon, by American artist Perham Wilhelm Nahl (1869-1935)

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Art by Ibuki Satsuki

What does one do when their training equipment are people and the one who broke them is ourselves? Self-loathing? Self-punishment? Self-harm?

I know you are probably feeling like your life has become a nightmare you wish you could escape from. Maybe you feel like your life is pure hell. 

Congratulations on your epic tower moment! What a beautiful opportunity that has been placed before you.

Soon you should be starting to see a clear path to what you need to do to turn it all around and CHANGE.

Don't go down the pity party or revenge path. Those are fruitless paths.

Take the path of radical transformation.

And in case you need a reminder, I love you deeply. I support you and am always here if you need a friend to talk to.

PS: I talk loudly, too. 

Stay Open

Noah: What do you think is going happen next?

Oktobre: I don't know. We just have to stay open to love.

Noah: Do you love him?

Oktobre: Undoubtedly so, but I have no idea how this will play out. We just have to stay open to the possibilities.

Noah: Do you love her?

Oktobre: She is part of him and yet uniquely her own person. Of course I love her just as I know you love her as well. She may not let us love them up close. He has kept her hidden and a secret. He has kept her from living in the open because he is scared. She is understandably angry. We have to stay open to loving them at a distance.

Image credits: Angel paintings by Abbott Handerson Thayer who described himself as 'bird-crazy' as a boy, pictured here in 1861. As an adult, he became famous for his angel paintings, popular with art collectors.

An Unforgettable Love

"One day you will ask me which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that you are my life. "

Khalil Gibran

Art by Ibuki Satsuki

The night before last, I dreamed about crystals that were made of salt. Some were natural clear shards but some of them were shaped into different things. The one that interested me most was a little pink elephant. I considered the symbolic meaning of this might be "an unforgettable love" since elephants are said to remember and pink is the color of the inner heart. 

Art by Ibuki Satsuki

You are an unforgettable love. I have tried so many times to forget you and yet my thoughts always come back to you. Maybe the elephant and crystals were made from the salt of my tears. Maybe it is saying you or me are "the salt of the earth".

Art by Ibuki Satsuki

Either way, whatever the meaning, it made me think of you. 

I miss you.

I love you... still.

Allowing Love

Do you think yourself too damaged to be loved purely? Do you think I could not love what you perceive as physical lack? Do you not understand by now that my love is not dependent on physical perfection but the energy of your soul?

Allow me to love you purely, intimately and completely.

Say "yes" to true love.

***Image credit: lesya_yasnitska at Instagram

Hey You!

Yeah, you. 

You stop by every day. Is it just to let me know you stopped by or are you hoping to see a new post?

Lucky you, this post is for you! 

I don't really have anything specific to say. I have no wisdom to impart even though there are spiritual things I could probably write about. Right now, I can't be bothered. I feel kind of like, "fuck it" I'm tired of "growing" and being a goody two shoes. If I am to grow, let it be wild and naturally for a time.

I wish, if you are so interested in me, you were nearby so you could ring me up and ask me to go for coffee and a stroll and we could talk about everything under the sun. I miss that... having friends I actually see and spend time with.

Maybe someday....

***Image credits: Mary Jane Russell as Marguerite and Leon Danielian as Mephisto for Vogue magazine 1949 by Irving Penn

Twin Soul Unions

Mahina and Lulu

Today I was having a conversation with a friend and it is within conversation that I often come to important realizations. Today was no exception.

This was the start of our conversation. My comments are in color with typos and hers are in white. 😁

Many people believe that twin souls/twin flames are two halves of a whole. I don't adhere to this way of thinking. 

During our conversation, I described two instances in which dogs I had seemed to have an instant soul recognition with another dog they just met and couldn't stop kissing them. These were dogs that were typically not very friendly with other dogs. With the right ones, it was instantaneous.

In my 52 years of life, I have connected to so many wrong people...wrong potential partners. I haven't really had good ones. I can find positives in just about anyone, but no one that makes me want to run up and kiss them and kiss them due to energy/soul recognition and never want to let them go. 

The ones I thought were "good" I was simply romanticizing. I believed (falsely) that they were better than they actually were.  I used to spend a lot of time living in the past and the "what ifs". 

I could make old flames out to be these magnificent people by focusing on the positives and projecting onto them who I believed them to be. If only I hadn't been commitment phobic.  If only I hadn't moved away. If only I had called him back and not lost touch. If only, if only, if only... 

So, when I got in touch with an old flame after all those years, I had this false image of him in my mind. I projected onto him who I believed him to be and he definitely puffed himself up to keep up that false belief. I eventually met up in person with the old flame. What I believed and what was true were two very different things. That was obvious in the in-person meeting which I couldn't have known otherwise by simply talking in text, phone conversations and online.

I can be very forgiving and I can overlook things to a point it is a detriment to myself. Thankfully, the old flame rejected me. In that rejection, it catapulted me into my self-love journey because I fought back and wouldn't accept his rejection as meaning there was something wrong with me. Where once I would take it personally and think there was something inherently wrong with me, I now was putting the responsibility back in the lap of who it belonged to. I didn't know about mirrors back then, but certainly he was a shadow, a mirror, that had come to send me on a crash course into self-love and self-discovery.

This journey I have been on has given me the ability to recognize energy better and not overlook so much. It has helped me recognize my own value. It has helped me get to know myself so deeply that I know my own energy extremely well.

I think, maybe, twin soul/flame unions are considered so rare because we often remain too fragmented to ever truly know our own energy enough to find a match. We are too busy cutting parts of ourselves off to fit someone else.

The journey, if done correctly, restores the parts of us we have cut off or given away and allows the parts of us to fall away that were put there as a defense system or coping mechanism that was never really who we were at our core. It restores confidence and releases insecurities that are the root of so many relationship problems. It gives us tools for communication, discernment, recognition, boundaries, and ending destructive patterns. It brings us back to self love and balance. It teaches us how to both give and receive and seek out relationships with those who can also both give and receive easily.

"Twin" isn't about being two halves of a whole but being two wholes with matching energy.

If we don't know our own energy or who we are, we will never be able to recognize someone whose energy so closely matches our own that they could be considered a "twin". 

If the energy we are in is someone we don't like, would we really want to connect with the matching energy of that? That is why we have to grow, expand, change and call back to us who we were always meant to be. When we become someone we fall in love with AND can recognize our own energy match in another, then we are ready for a physical union with someone.

Anyone has the potential to be a match if their energy lines up and matches our own. Most people who think they are with their twin actually are with a mirror, a shadow. Yes, love your shadows but know when to let them go, too. Letting go with love and appreciation for the lessons gained has been a huge part of the journey for me, a difficult and painful part, but a very necessary one. So often we love people who really aren't very good for us. Fully loving yourself is knowing when to walk away and let the connection go.

I was thinking about the reference to ultraviolet from my dreams and what it could mean. The main thing that comes to mind right away is how there are some rocks and minerals that look completely different under ultraviolet light. What once looked ordinary under normal light, looks extraordinary under ultraviolet light. Perhaps the meaning is that the so called "twin flame journey" or what I like to call "the journey back to self" gives us new eyes to see each other with. No longer are we satisfied seeing with our eyes alone. Now we see with what we feel, what we sense, what we hear and what we know. We see with observation of actions and behaviors. We see with signs, syncs and inner guidance. 

A person most people see as "nothing special" we can now easily see as a rare extraordinary magical creature to be revered. Someone we might have overlooked before we started the journey back to self, we can now see with with "ultraviolet light" vision and recognize the extraordinary beauty of their energy, mind and heart.

When we come to the completion of the "twin flame" journey, we should finally be healed, whole, and developed enough that we can enter a healthy and successful relationship with someone who has also reached the same level of growth and development.

It is there "happily ever after" can truly begin.

*Mineral Images borrowed from here.

A Poem For My Sacred Masculine

Noah and I share the same face.

I wrote the below poem for my divine masculine, Noah Lokahi, the King of the Oktobre kingdom in which we reside over together as equal partners.

What is there left to say

When I know it's meant for thee

And I know that "thee" is also me

I love you more each day

But you already know this is true

Because me, myself and I is also you

The man of all my dreams

Everything I have ever wished for

The one who will love me forever more

It's not always as it seems

On the outside I wear a woman's shoe

But on the inside I wear shoes for two

I searched everywhere for you

Knowing you existed and were real

Your unwavering love I could feel

Because of my search, I grew

You guided me and helped me heal

You were oil for my stuck and rusty wheel

Inside this body you live and rule

Beside me on the intuitive heart throne

As equal partners, balance we hone

Twin flame self-love school

Hidden truths are finally known

Sacred union for those who have grown

Written October 16, 2020

Today is my birthday... our birthday. I killed my soft and gentle masculine off and kicked him out of the body long ago at the age of eleven. He came back to me as a spirit hoping to be let back in. I had an experience I refer to as my "walk-in" when I felt an energy enter into me through my crown. It would take until now for me to fully understand that the energy that came into the vessel that day was my divine masculine who I now call Noah Lokahi.

August 30, 2013 I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep at first. At some point there was realization that, yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. At some point I felt something in my head....and at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what I saw. There was some poster in front of me and as I stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else but I couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me I was seeing into another dimension. At one point I heard a man singing something about "your twin soul is here" and I thought, "wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song i have never heard before."

When I reflect upon certain recent signs and syncs, I just smile. The number eleven has come up frequently. I had a dream about taking pregnancy tests twice and both times it came up with two lines for positive. Two positive  pregnancy tests can easily be seen as 11 11.

Recently I was getting a free Vedic birth chart to see what my planetary placements were and I realized I typed my time of birth incorrectly. The site was using a 24 hour clock model. I typed in 11:00 but there was no AM or PM, so it read it as 11:00 AM. Once I realized my blunder, I went back to redo it and typed 23. It was at that point I had a huge "ah ha" moment. I have always associated 23 with River, but now I understand that 23 is also my number and it translates to 11. 

Noah has been inside all of this time I have been looking for him outside of me. The journey helped me to remember him. It helped me get acquainted with him when I recognized certain qualities and attributes I just knew my perfect match would have. I got to know him in a way I wouldn't have had I not had this journey back to self.

I think it was realizing that all of the qualities that I wanted in a partner already existed in me is what helped drive it home that my perfect match was within me. I don't need to look out there anymore. I found my partner...my twin..my soulmate. Because of the journey, I know him incredibly well and have fallen madly in love with him.

He is within.

He has always loved me and always hoped that one day I would let him come home and sit on the intuitive heart throne next to me once again. 

Happy Rebirthday to us.

Art by Marc Fishman