Ending Patterns of Sexual Perversions and Abuse

Art by Roberto Ferri

I'm posting the below dreams more for my own benefit so I can easily find them again, but based on recent events and discussions, they are particularly relevant.

I think there are many of us here who have come to clear out accumulated karma of the ancestors. Some of that karma deals with really difficult subjects like sex abuse such as sadism, pedophilia, rape and other sexual perversions that harm everyone involved.

People who think they actually like violent sex are very emotionally and mentally unwell. Usually these people have suffered trauma and abuse that causes gross distortions in what they think they like and want...what they think they deserve. Often the abused become abusers.

It is not impossible to break the cycle and chain of these perversions. Just because we are abused does not mean we have to become abusers. We can chooses to heal ourselves and, thus, heal the wounds of our ancestors. By healing, we clear the karma for all of those who came before us.

To the one I love with all of my heart who I know has been and is being abused, I love you. I'm here for you and I want to help you break the chains so you gain your freedom. I want to help you heal. I'm damaged too, but neither of us are damaged beyond repair.

Dream Journal Entry: December 12, 2014

"The keep is inside of you. You were definitely bi in a past life" flamboyant older man said to me.

I remember driving down the road with my mom. It seems like no one is driving. She is asleep in the passenger seat and I am in the back seat. I get in the driver's seat. There was something about a giant bee in flowers. There was a smaller one too but I think it was dead. The giant one was alive and this girl shooed it away and then smacked at it and nearly killed it. I was very upset and asked her what she was doing. I can't remember who the girl was. I say girl but she felt like an older teenager or early 20s. I was going to take her out myself if she did something like that again. There was something not right with her. There was someone else there, I think....female, I can't remember who. I was taking care of kids...it feels like one had a disability. I think they were Leah and Lucy from Signing Time. I am spinning Lucy around and playing and told her to tell me when it was too much and she said she had had enough, so I stopped. I then see myself as an observer and the kids and caregiver were in an accident and I see Lucy and Leah are being held by the caregiver and all are injured but the caregiver is lucid and talking to the people attending to her wounds.

I see myself in some other vehicle. If feels like a truck used for a business...almost more like a van. I am standing rather than sitting. I am thanking them for the ride. I know them but in my waking state I am not sure who they were. When I was driving with mom, earlier, I knew we had a long drive ahead of us. So, this van is taking me the rest of the way and I hope mom doesn't worry about me. Earlier there was something about getting bonus points if we run into this caregiver who had to quit....she had gone to Texas but would be back and there was a bonus if we were able to see her eating custard...or soft serve ice cream. While in the van driving, Meghan appears on the road and leaps on the glass. I freak and tell them they need to stop and let her in and they say, no, just watch. And she leaps off and does some crazy summersault stuff and leaps back on the glass...like she was being funny. Now the van stops someplace to be serviced. I get out. There is a pond/lake with people around one end and i am trying to figure out how to pass them. A woman is like fly fishing and she is throwing her line in and out and i am scared to pass because i am concerned her hook will catch me. I think i mention to this to the guy near her and ask that she stop. I mention having had a fish hook in my head before and it wasn't pleasant. I ended up going into a house that turned out to be a bar and there were some odd people there. Everyone was staring at me and one older guy, as i neared the back, spoke to me. "The keep is inside of you. You were definitely bi in a past life" flamboyant older man said to me.

I told him it was likely i was actually full on gay in one of those lives. People propositioned me even though most of them were gay men. I felt uncomfortable and made my way out the door. I remember thinking this place had changed a lot since i used to go there. It seems like i had a sense of being back in my hometown. I walk out the door and am going to make my way back to where the van was and was going to find my daughter and friends who had given me a ride. Some big guy steps out. He isn't unattractive...muscles, clean cut lighter short hair. He puts and arm around me as we walk to the area i was headed. I have a sense he is into me and he says "I just know we are going to be together within this next year. I didn't think I ever wanted kids but i think that is different now with you."  tall buff guy with light sandy hair I just met said.

I mentioned to him that i did indeed have a daughter and he could meet her in a minute. I got inside a fenced area and started looking for her and someone tells me they all left. I start screaming for Inara and crying and saying "how could they have left me here and taken my daughter??!" I mean, i knew i was in a familiar place and it probably wasn't horribly far that they had gone, but i was really distressed about it and woke up there.

Research about "the keep" aspect:

There was a movie called "the keep"

Within an uninhabited citadel (the “Keep” of the title) in World War II Romania lies entrapped a dangerous entity named Radu Molasar

Einsatzkommandos by feeding on their essence, and then enlists the aid of her grateful father to escape. Cuza is also cured of his debilitating scleroderma by the touch of Molasar and therefore becomes doubly indebted to the entity, who is taking on a solid form.
.....

At the instigation of the local priest, the Germans retrieve a Jewish historian, Professor Theodore Cuza, from a concentration camp. He deciphers a mysterious message emblazoned on a wall of the citadel. Molasar saves the professor's daughter, Eva Cuza, from sexual assault by two Einsatzkommandos by feeding on their essence, and then enlists the aid of her grateful father to escape. Cuza is also cured of his debilitating scleroderma by the touch of Molasar and therefore becomes doubly indebted to the entity, who is taking on a solid form.

Full Definition

1
a: (archaic) custody, charge

b: maintenance

2

:one that keeps or protects: as

a:fortress, castle; specifically:the strongest and securest part of a medieval castle

b:one whose job is to keep or tend

c:prison, jail

Art by Roberto Ferri

Dream Journal Entry: December 13, 2018

I dreamed about Thomas, who I helped raise. There was something about him being into some really questionable stuff...like sexual stuff. I had a sense that it was violent and could potentially get him arrested if he were to ever act on it. It was disturbing. I can't remember what I discussed with him about it all. We were all getting ready to leave the house in a vehicle, but one side was blocked. I saw a trash can in the driveway and not sure what else. We just couldn't take the vehicles on that side of the house. On the other side of the house it was sunny and there were two other vehicles. We got in the orange one and left. I remember seeing I had two tattoos on my lower right side of my leg. There was the head of a dog and above that was a cat.

Later there was something about seeing a doctor and showing him some issue with some skin on my leg. There were patches of skin that felt smooth and hard... almost like dry skin but slightly different. The doctor was very attractive, kind, intelligent and sweet. I think I was very attracted to him. For some reason I was trying to recall how I had met him which is when it became clear that he was the kind of doctor who heals emotional wounds...like a psychologist or something similar. I was saying that a friend had asked me to go with her to a session with him and that is how I learned about him and said I had been there every Thursday ever since.

Art by Roberto Ferri

Dream Journal Entry: June 9, 2015

I haven't been writing my dreams down lately. There are bits and pieces of dreams over the last week I have had...many of the ones I remember are disturbing. There was one part I remember about being in a shop...they sold jewelry and items like herbs and powders for witches. I saw myself grabbing certain ingredients and putting them together. I don't know what it was supposed to do but I remember seeing something that looked yellow like amber that glowed in the mix. Then I wandered off to a section and it seems like they also sell sex here and I see a big man with cuts all over himself and he is having rough sex with a woman who is obviously pregnant and he is talking about cutting/ripping her baby. I turned away and didn't want to see it but while I was there, my body started to have an orgasm even though I tried to will it not to. I have been having lots of bad dreams about forced sex. Another one I never wrote about was seeing my friend, Brian, and he forces me to have sex with him and says he is going to fill me up with his cum and he does but I am very unhappy and don't want the experience.

The other night I had dreams about what seemed like classmates. I saw them everyday and then suddenly school was over and they were gone. It made me sad. That same night I dreamed that my brother, Thomas, had been secretly dating a man for a year and was in love with him and wanted to marry him. Last night there was something about 3 baby birds and the dude I was with trying to replace them safely into their nest. Mehosh was the owner of the land. I can't remember much about that one even though I know there was tons more. Later I dreamed something about my partner winding up in some muck and it was radioactive. He was doing what he had to do to save me and our three children. When he came out of the muck, he wanted me to leave him but I wouldn't. I moved to help clean him up.

Art by Roberto Ferri

An Incantation for All

Art by Gustave Klimt

I call upon Divine Darkness
I call upon Divine Light
I ask you to join together
To put the wrongs, right

Tulpas that have been created
By grief, self punishment, and ill will
Shall now be removed and recycled
Where emptiness exists, let balance refill

I call upon the ancestors
To bring forth knowledge and healing
I call upon the Earth elementals
To guide us into heart centered feeling

I call upon the highest and lowest
To meet in the middle for good
I call for complete restoration
Of Earth and doing what we should

I call for protection for all
Who choose a path of union and peace
I call for the great purification
So that pain and suffering will cease

I call for the final elimination
Of all who would stand in the way
Let their sins now truly be deadly
Let them meet their final end today

And so it is!

Oktobre Taylor

A Warning for Keanu Reeves

Brandon Lee and Keanu Reeves

Something has been bothering me and I just can't shake it. I keep seeing the number 911 over and over again and I KNOW it is a warning about something, but what? I have written about some of my thoughts and concerns on Instagram about feeling Keanu Reeves' life is in danger. I thought it was simply about his current "girlfriend" who is a shady and questionable person at best.

In dreams, I saw it as a repeat of what happened with Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain. Greedy significant other kills off partner to get the money and fame.  There is speculation that the industry itself aided Courtney in her endeavor to take him out. Rumors have it that Kurt was getting ready to leave Courtney. It has been said that an additional reason for Courtney wanting to eliminate Kurt was to boost her own career by eliminating competition and getting sympathy attention from his fans.

Since the beginning of my spiritual journey, three dead ones came to me in dreams over and over, River Phoenix, Brandon Lee and Kurt Cobain. At first glance, their deaths don't have a lot in common other than they were young and worked in the entertainment industry. Drug overdose, suicide and accidental shooting is what you see on the surface, but when I dug deeper and paired it with what I have been shown in my dreams, what they all have in common is MURDER.

Kurt Cobain - it is easy to murder a drug addict.

Courtney had the most to gain from Kurt's death, but certainly scarcity drives up the value of all existing material.  Any last projects completed and released post mortem are sure to bring in good numbers, especially when the death catapults the victim into cult status. Kurt Cobain might as well be the second coming of christ to those who revere him...and there are many. The record company and Courtney have certainly cashed in on Kurt's cult status.

River Phoenix - it is easy to murder a drug user.

River's case is more complicated. I think it was more about eliminating the competition and then inaction on the part of everyone present who failed to call 911 for help immediately when they knew there was an issue. Based on dreams and my own speculation, Johnny Depp provided the drugs that were then handed to River by Samantha Mathis. She shifted the blame to the known drug user who had threatened to kill River for dropping him at rehab. Eight times the lethal dose was in the little dixie cup River drank from. Doesn't that seem like someone meant to kill him? But who would gain most from his death? At the time, Leonardo DiCaprio was close friends with Johnny. Leonardo had the most to gain by way of movie roles if River was no longer in the running for them. They resembled each other. Maybe the real reason he never got into drugs is because he knows that is how you can easily be eliminated by someone else.

Brandon Lee - it is easy to murder the competition if you know your way around props and guns and make it look accidental.

This one took me by surprise as I never really considered it was murder until a recent dream. The dream caused me to find out who the double was for Brandon Lee after he died. Interestingly, Chad Stahelski was the person used. He is quite well known now for his John Wick movies and his work on The Matrix series. Chad seems to know his way around guns and probably knows quite a lot about props and their preparation. He probably even has the knowledge of how to rig a prop gun to get it to fire in such a way that the projectile would act the same as a bullet. Someone else would pull the trigger and it would look like a horrible accident. But what if it wasn't?

The Crow movie quickly went into cult status. The buzz around the death on set drove people to the theaters...not once, but multiple viewings. Had Brandon Lee not died on the set, would it have been as successful? I don't think so. The film was struggling to get made and had one setback after another...rather like Matrix 4 is having right now.

Keanu Reeves - when your bankability is more dead than alive, you better watch your back and consider abandoning a sinking ship.

Keanu has a double whammy target on him. His disastrous promotional campaign with his con artist "girlfriend" is actually driving down his value. All the tabloid crap will start to make serious movie makers not want to deal with him at all. "Ten foot pole" comes to mind. Quality vs. Quantity and less is more in this case.  His greedy granny PR partner has shown through her actions what her interests are...money and fame. Beware of the woman who can be bought because the highest bidder will cause her to turn on you.

Matrix 4 has been having a lot of setbacks due to the quarantines. Money is probably quickly running through their fingers while paying for food and lodging for cast and crew while they try to resume filming at a much slower pace due to restrictions and social distancing in Germany. Too much time is passing between the last filming in San Francisco and these actors aren't getting younger. Some are getting more plastic, but definitely the differences can potentially be noticeable on camera.

What if by the time that they actually start filming again, people are thoroughly disgusted by Keanu thanks to his PR campaign backfiring? What if the suits in Hollywood take notice of this and think it might be time to shoot the lame horse in the head because he can't make them anymore money? What if Keanu is worth more dead than alive both with life insurance and potentially selling more tickets and catapulting Keanu's last film ever into cult status...beyond all other Matrix films that came before?

Chad Stahelski is working on this film again, I believe. He can easily be paid to set up another "accident". Keanu's greedy granny would easily turn on him, as well, for the right offer.

The way I see it is, some people on the other side are trying to warn Keanu he has a giant fucking bull's-eye on him based on a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances. They told me once that "he imprinted on her". For Kurt it was Courtney and imprints make you believe you are like them. Like a duck being raised by dogs would likely behave more like a dog than a duck. In Keanu's case, his "mother" is the Hollywood industry he basically grew up in. He grew up thinking he was like them, but he is not...not really. He simply needs to remember who he really is and start taking swift action in his life to make some radical changes that could save his life.

Remember...this reality is a game. Our choices matter.

He has a choice...

The tunnel of love, which means he abandons ship and leaves with practically nothing but the shirt on his back and his life. It means taking a risk and trusting that everything will be okay. This choice leads to abundance, love and happiness.

The tunnel of certain death leads to a grisly death. Game over and start again from the beginning.

Over and over my guidance has told me that this has happened before and it will happen again...where someone is killed off for greed.

I will include significant dreams that feel relevant and important at the end for anyone interested in reading them.

__________________________

March 29, 2017

I was dreaming about a game... Actually there were lots of them going on at once. Apparently one of my daughters thought it would be fun to mess with my game and changed it a bit. She left her signature and illustrations to say "Mom, I have made your game more interesting. Come home now, love, Annabelle"  I thought the illustrations were amusing. In some sections there were races. In another section there are spectators all watching. I made my way up to this one section that had two tunnels and it was meant to test your relationship to see if if would last. She had changed the right tunnel so that everyone met with an grisly end. The left one was designed so that at one end a person stood and projected their love for the other in and guided them through. You have to trust your partner to guide you. But Annabelle had changed the parameters to make it more difficult and something was going wrong with the readings on the computer. They were going to have to fix it. Meanwhile she and her partner were in the "tunnel of love" trying to navigate through the game. That is where I woke.

In an earlier dream I heard something about how how this world was Jesus' world.

___________________________


March 3, 2019

I was with another girl who i identity as my sister. It feels like we are younger...early twenties, maybe. We are somewhere with brothers. My sister is off with the brother she is dating. I am left with the other one. I think it is determined we will come together at some point  but I have this knowing that we have played this scene out before. The last time we played it out the mother to the boys came in and killed all of us. I can't remember why she would do such a thing, but I knew it was about to happen again. .
.
I said to the others, "If we know she is going to kill us, why are we just sitting here accepting that this will be our fate? Why don't we just call the police or leave?"
.
Later I am talking to the mother and I feel guarded. She is talking about how there is a special alignment happening and there are three days in a row that are one days. I didn't ask for elaboration. I assumed it was numerology or astrology based. I just knew I had to find a way to leave without her suspecting anything. I encouraged the brother I had been talking to to come with me. I was making my move and leaving. The brother ended up at some movie theater. I came back to help him because I thought his mother would surely find him here. He was having trouble walking, so I assisted on one side of him. It was at that point he turned into the actor Cillian Murphy. .
.
Where we had been was very dark and felt like night but where we ended up was bright and sunny. I told him I would take him to my home for now. I looked around. It felt like farm country and there were just a few houses sprinkled here and there. It was pleasant. We stood on the road while I tried to decide where to go. I apologized because I couldn't remember where my home was so decided to go to the house nearest us that seemed to have some event going on. There was a bouncy house and someone was showing them animals and talking about them. The first animals were bunnies and then I heard them say, "and this is our Cesarean bear." I started to wake at that point.

______________________________

April 17, 2015

There was something about following someone into a house. She was talking to someone about a serious situation where someone similar had happened in the past with her brother. Her brother had died and apparently his dried corpse was on a shelf. I was curious while she was in the other room and lifted it and, to my surprise, he started talking to me. I took him with me and we went someplace....some business...but I think he was telling me what had happened in the past and warned me it would happen again. Someone with me jumped from a window to avoid the fire that started. I got out but don't remember how i ended up outside.

Then there was a part about dogs eating some girl's underwear. lol They were fancy lingerie styled underwear too. I scolded the puppy that was eating them and he growled at me.

In earlier dreams I remember being in a hotel room and seeing two fish tanks. Also there was a dog that wasn't mine who wandered into my room and I took him back to his owners.

There was also something about this shop that sold popcorn and gummy worms. They mixed with the popcorn what you wanted....chocolate, gummies, etc. I had never had anything from this shop before and just wanted plain caramel corn....no gummies or chocolate. I think this was the business that was going to explode or catch fire.

I remember the dead guy's tongue coming out at one point and having to put it back in.

______________________

December 14, 2018

I had been captured by some guy who was capturing women and killing them off. I ended up in a bar and somehow I had gone back in time. Kurt Cobain was performing at a small club and I went up to him and asked him to help me. The guy was there at the club with me, watching us but he couldn't hear what I was saying. The bar staff was notified and some of their actions alerted this guy who had been holding me against my will. It was obvious they were calling the police.

I told him he was going to die in Florida....that it had happened before and was going to happen again. The guy who had taken me was going to kill him because of me. Kurt looks at his wrists which had cuts in them and he said something like, "he has tried before." I said, "he succeeds and he will do it again." I think I thought if I went back again and never meet him, his life would be spared.

_______________________________

Go With the Flow

Gilbert Williams - Kindred Spirits

"Go with the flow "

How many times do we hear this on the spiritual journey? "You're in resistance if you aren't going with the flow," they say.

I want to yell back, "No, bitch, some of us are salmon and were made to swim up stream against the current!!!"

Would it surprise you for me to tell you that I have been a chronic quitter? In the past, I have started things and very rarely complete it. There are a multitude of reasons why I never finished things. It no longer interested me, it was too difficult, I couldn't do it as well as I wanted to, I meant to come back to it but never did, it was too stressful, etc.

The spiritual journey and following the guidance I am given has been the single most difficult thing I have ever done and, no matter how much I want to quit and give up, I never do. I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I keep going and going and going no matter how many times I feel I can't possibly break anymore or shed another tear or go a single step further. Somehow, I always do.

All along the way I have had people trying to tell me to "go with the flow" but that isn't what I feel my guidance has ever told me to do. Floating, I can do for a short time, but I can't let the current take me too far away from the direction I was headed.

"Be like water" Bruce says. But water can sometimes be a tsunami that helps you dismantle your life as you know it so that you can rebuild with a new foundation. Water can be a flood and make you feel like you are drowning. Water isn't always sweet and gentle. It can smash you into the rocks and send you over a high fall so that all that you thought you were falls away.

Multnomah Falls, Oregon - 1918

Sometimes water can give you reprieve when it is a placid pond or lake. Better hope that water doesn't have brain eating amoeba or toxic blue-green algae. lol

Hans Gude and Adolph Tidemand - Bridal Procession on the Hardangerfjord (1848)

I come from a different perspective than most in the spiritual community. I follow the guidance I am given, but there is a lot of brain work that goes into figuring out what is actually going on because I know this thing we call "life" is also a game. How will I know if I am choosing the tunnel of love or the tunnel of certain death? I was given guidance to move away in a new direction, and yet something has felt off about that. It isn't that I can't move away from #3, it is that my previous guidance and what I FEEL my heart is telling me, "Don't be a quitter, Alice. Don't give up so easily." If this journey is all about ending destructive patterns, quitting is surely one of those for me.

It is all a lot more complicated than I feel comfortable going in too deeply right now, but the bottom line is that the spirit whose energy has been guiding me, I started to recognize inside the one I was walking away from. I felt sick inside thinking that I was walking away from who I have been searching for these past 9 years. I found me on the journey, but I have been searching for him too. The promise of coming together with him is what drove me and kept me moving forward.

I have put in a lot of effort and work in this direction. It has been difficult. It has been painful. It has felt like an impossible task, and yet my heart whispers, "Don't be a quitter this time. He is worth holding on to."

The salmon gets bruised and battered swimming up stream to their spawning grounds to start the cycle of life all over again. They either get to their point of destination or they die trying. That is me.... swimming up stream with everything that I have got. Sometimes I have to linger by a rock near shore to rest,  but I just keep swimming.

I do still maintain that I have to stay open to the possibilities. If this person is unable or unwilling to show up for me soon, I am open to welcoming other opportunities should they come my way.  Should the new person they were trying to guide me to happen to show up with an offer before the other one takes any real action, I will go in the new direction. I love him, but I have waited long enough and I need to keep swimming up stream.

I believe in magic.

I believe in miracles and that anything is possible.

I believe dreams do come true.

Going with the flow is great for those who are guided to go that direction, but that isn't my path or what I was made for.

An Open Letter to Cillian Murphy

Dear Cillian Murphy,

I can't believe you exist!!!

At first when I was exploring you, I easily thought, "oh yeah, he is my ideal" but I didn't actually know how true that was until I started exploring you further. It is difficult to get much from watching movie promotion interviews, but these little sparkling glimpses would appear, causing me to gasp and giggle with delight.

VICE interview...you were vocal about not loving the process of promoting a project with interviews but you did it earnestly with projects you truly believe in. I thought , "Oh my God!! He has integrity and values! Just look at that integrity! That is amazing in his industry!"

Later you go into a shop that has some sweet looking antique guitars. You make a B-line for this. "The music is still alive in him!" is the the spontaneous mental note I make. You admire a guitar that is £27,000 and immediately reject the idea of spending so frivolously and self indulgently. Immediately I think, "Oh my God, what planet are you from? You aren't materialistic and selfish! How is it you exist in that industry?!!! I think you might be a unicorn or some other mythical creature! People say they exist, but you have never seen one yourself."

Another interview...

Apparently you like to hike with your dog. Two thoughts occur: "Yay! He's a dog person!" "He likes to be outside and enjoy nature like me!"

Something became clear to me as I fell deeper in love with you with each morsel of goodness I found about you. At last I met someone who is the mirror of who I have become after the 9 years of my transformative spiritual journey back to self. The parts of you I find so beautiful and amazing are also who I am. By loving what I am seeing in you, I am also loving the me I have become and that is priceless.

If by some freak happening you find yourself available for a new relationship, will you marry me? 😁

Sincerely,

Oktobre

PS: I deliberately didn't use a photo of you because I know I would be more attracted to something funny than having to look at several pictures of myself. I'm guessing you would feel the same. The illustration I have selected is for you and not the potential readers of this letter. 🐬

Making Stone Soup with Celebrities

Art by Emily Balivet

Celebrities seem to be a theme on my spiritual journey and I have written about them a lot. A lot of the clues I have gotten from my guides pertain to celebrities. People often question and criticize the celebrity involvement in my journey. They simply don't understand because their journey is so much different.

What people sometimes forget is that there are no "wrong ways" on the journey back to self as long as you are continually and consistently growing as you go along. For me, mine started with River Phoenix in a powerful dream. It started my crash course back to self disguised as a Scooby Doo Adventure and sometimes search for "The One".

There was one morning I heard in my in-between state, "Ed Stone is River". It took me until recently to fully understand the meaning of that statement. I kept wondering who Ed Stone might be. Fast forward to now and I understand the meaning of "Ed Stone".

Art by Emily Balivet

Education Stone....stone soup.

Most of us are familiar with the story of stone soup. What brought it all home into cohesive thought was a comment from a message board user who believes they are talking to Keanu Reeves on social media. It is easy to laugh and say "Nigerian scammer" and it might well be that. The thing is, how can I judge when I myself have had an ongoing belief that I have communicated with Keanu Reeves under an alias. I mean, it doesn't stop there. I actually believe he has been hacking my phone and spying on me as a means of some sick and twisted game of his.

It is my BELIEF and, because it is my belief, it is true for me in those moments even if it isn't actually Keanu at all. I am behaving and responding like that person is the real deal. The lessons I get from the whole experience are real no matter if the initial belief was false.

Art by Emily Balivet

This is a comment I made in response to someone who feels they are talking to Keanu:

I can tell you that the belief it is Keanu talking to us can shape us, even if it isn't him.

I will probably never know who was or who wasn't actually him, but the journey helped shape me and I am a better person as a result. 

It is like making stone soup. Keanu or River, or Brandon or anyone can be the stone that we put in the pot. Our belief in the value of the stone and its contribution can be what causes us to keep throwing ingredients into the pot until we end up with this delicious soup. But there is so much soup now that we want to give it freely to others and say, "Here! Have some of my stone soup! It is so delicious!" The pot is us and the soup is the journey of all that we learned and gained along the way.

Maybe it is Keanu and maybe it isn't. As long as we are growing from the experience, the belief, false or true, can aid in our growth if we allow it.

Art by Emily Balivet

If the beliefs we hold in any given moment leads us to the lessons we need in order to peel another old layer away of who we are no longer, who cares if the celebrity is really participating or not? They are participating in the sense that they are the reason for those specific lessons.

If what we end up with at the end of the journey is rebirth and transformation of self, does it really matter how we got there as long as we did? If what we get is a reunification of our own inner feminine and masculine, does it really matter if we never hook up with that celeb we thought we were talking to? 

Art by Emily Balivet

Succeeding in sacred internal union and balance is no small task. However we get there, no matter how crazy or ridiculous it seems to another, we should celebrate and congratulate ourselves for achieving something that will benefit this entire reality as a whole.

In light of all that is occurring in the world, it is likely that many will start the journey back to self while they are stuck at home. This comment I made at the same message board feels relevant to this discussion:

I refuse to live my life paranoid no matter who is watching. I refuse to hide in fear and be anyone other than who I am. I choose to trust. I don't trust naively. I trust because what we put out into the world is the energy that comes back to us. I choose to love with an open heart because I know my world is shaped by the love I put into it.

I have no control over the actions and behaviors of others. All I have control of are my own perceptions and how I process what I have experienced at the hands of another. I get to decide if I will let it kill me or if it will simply become the fertilizer that helps me grow. 

Growth is a choice to learn from all experiences and not just the pleasant ones.

Art by Emily Balivet

May you all grow and transform on your personal journeys. 

Naming My Divine Partner

Photo by Nina Leoni

Sacred hermaphrodite
A sacred union, internally
Feminine and masculine.
Harmoniously combined

Feminine on the outside
She already has a name
Dear masculine partner
What shall we name thee?

No'ah Lokahi shall be our masculine name.

No'ah is said to have gathered masculine and feminine of various species of animals so they could continue and reproduce and replenish the population after the great floods. Symbolically, this can be seen as a time of great emotions while bringing together masculine and feminine of each chakra within our own vessel that is us.

"Lokahi is an ancient Hawaiian word with many layers of meanings. For Maka’ala Yates, lokahi is the essence of unity, peacemaking, harmony, connection, and embracing diversity. Ho’o lokahi is the action that brings about agreement, diversity, and unity. But it is much more than this.

In the Hawaiian language there are tones, sounds, and meanings within meanings that carry vibrational frequencies of understanding, mana [life force], and healing. As Maka’ala explains, Lokahi is the platform upon which to communicate and illuminate healing and more importantly, to reunite that which has been broken back into unity, and awareness—in short, to renew a way of life."

https://manaola.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/in-the-spirit-of-lokahi/

Art by Andrew Gonzalez

What's In A Name?

I posted the above on Instagram in the wee hours of the morning and am posting it here because I think it is important to talk about.

On the spiritual journey we spend so much time searching for our divine partner. In fact, it is the carrot dangled before us to motivate us to do the internal work we need to do. We travel places internally we have never traveled before.  We start to face our fears, our trauma , our hidden pain. Parts of our old selves die off and fall away with each lesson we learn. With each little change we make to embody the highest version of ourselves, we climb a little further up the mountain we have been traversing.

Illustration from Aurora consurgens Book by Thomas Aquinas

I have mentioned before that I feel like I became so dead inside, that my softer, gentler, kinder masculine side died and became the spirit by my side following me around, begging me to let him back in. The below dream, I believe, marks the day that he stepped inside the human vessel with me and was able to help guide me in our dreams.

Dream Journal Entry: August 30, 2013.
I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep at first. At some point there was realization that , yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. At some point, I felt something in my head and at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what i saw. There was some poster in front of me and as i stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else but i couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me i was seeing into another dimension. At one point i heard a man singing something about "your twin soul is here" and i thought, "wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song i have never heard before."

I still couldn't remember him and needed a lot of assistance, so  he guided our feminine, from within, to lessons that would help her remember, help her bring those aspects of the masculine forward into an outward expression. Together, we resurrected him and restored him to his rightful place on our heart throne beside her. Together they rule as a United being, each offering their strengths and giving way when the other is needed in a specific situation.

A friend recently said that there was a definite duality about me. I laughed because I could see the truth in this. One part of me is incredibly serious, very spiritual, nurturing and a little bit hard. I see this one as my sacred feminine, Oktobre. Then there is this other one who is completely irreverent, very funny but also very kind and soft. I see this one as my sacred masculine.

All of those qualities I say I want in a physical partner, my inner masculine possesses. He is my beautiful and amazing divine counterpart but he no longer has a name of his own.

I felt strongly that I wanted to honor my sacred partner by giving him a new name...rather like Atreyu did with the Princess in the Neverending Story.

Names hold vibration both in the numerology and the meaning. I wanted to choose a name for him that he had not worn before. I wanted it to be new and represent his significance of who he is to me. I wanted to give him a voice through having his own identity within this vessel.

So now there will be times that I can write, "No'ah says..." or "No'ah feels..." Because sometimes he has different thoughts and feelings than Oktobre. I think it is fair to honor and love him in this way as it is yet another layer of the deepest, purest form of self love and self respect.

What will you name your divine partner?

Do you both need a new name to start fresh?

How are you honoring your internal sacred partner who can't be seen externally?

Dream Symbolism, River and Keanu

Photo by Alexander Prischepov

The below is a response to someone who was asking what I saw in their dream at a message forum. The response was getting so long that I thought it best to make it it's its own blog post.

Re: dream symbolism

This feels like bait on a giant fucking hook, but I will bite anyway and try to see what I see in it.

My mind has been preoccupied with trying to understand something from my own previous dreams. When I talked about River's feelings for Keanu, it caused me to go down an internal rabbit hole of sorts. The dream I had where a trailer the shape of Florida had been ordered locked by a court but then because of something I had done, it was allowed to be opened. The spirits inside were free to leave. I wonder now if that represented Keanu's feelings for River being on lockdown and he tried as much as he could to forget about their time together.

You see, what I feel about River is that he and I are basically the same person. Not twin flame fuckery which is mostly bullshit, but siblings, family. I'm like a magic fucking school bus for wayward spirits who died too soon. They get on my bus and I work through all of the karmic bullshitt with them they didn't complete. In turn, they help guide me in my dreams. It is how I ended up on a Scooby Doo murder mystery with Kurt Cobain.

I don't understand everything yet but they tell me that Keanu has information that will make everything make sense...it is just, he isn't divulging and I am growing bored trying to pry the lid off his can of beans.

Message Board Member's Dream:

Is Owl here?
I just woke up from a strange dream and was wondering if it has any meaning. 

I dreamt that I was talking to Keanu in some cafeteria and leafing through some documents he had on the table on some stalker. I was trying to analyze the documents to help him..
Then it was hard for me to hear him so he came close to my ear to speak. My hair was in a ponytail and he comments my ear is dirty, I was embarrassed took down my ponytail and told him I had not washed my hair for a couple of days. I told him I lost weight in my stomach area and he proceeded to press his had on different areas of my stomach to see the weight loss. 

After a while at the table sitting with us was the queen of England all friendly and casual talking with us. I also saw I was wearing a watch upside down, and commented to him that I’m wearing the wrong watch.
02/27, 05:54:36

Symbolism:

Cafeterias are where we eat and what we "eat" is everything that is coming into us from others and the environment we choose to put ourselves in. Cafeteria food is often thought to be subpar. You only eat it if you have to which could be why you were in the cafeteria setting.

What does Keanu represent to you? The first rule of dreams is that everyone in a dream is an aspect of self. You can go deeper into the layers of meaning, but this is where I go for the first layer. For me, Keanu is a pain in my asss. He is a black walnut which is practically impossible to break into to bring out the meat. It will always come out in pieces. I don't think I have ever seen a whole black walnut half before. He represents my guarded heart.

The way we word things often has meaning as well. You say "leafing through" and I automatically see a tree with leaves. Leaves are designed to give nourishment to the tree. In a family tree, the leaves represent people we are connected to. So you were, perhaps, browsing internally information about you and what makes you you.

The documents were on a stalker. How are you being a stalker to whatever Keanu represents to you? Stalking could also be seen as closely observing some part of self. You couldn't hear him. For me this scene would represent me not being able to hear my own heart and what it is trying to tell me.

The hair being in a ponytail and then letting it down. You were uptight (like the hair was up tight in a ponytail) about something but something your heart (using my symbolic meaning of Keanu) whispered to you caused you to smile and relax some. You feel self-conscious but are being honest about the hair.

Hair is often a source of confidence, pride and identity. In the Bible Samson's hair was cut and it made him weak... meaning it gave him confidence and without it he felt self-conscious. In Game of Thrones, Cersei Lannister's hair was cut as a means to shame her and strip her naked of vanity.

Weight can be all kinds of things. In the dream it is about weight from your solar plexus chakra region. You have obviously been doing something that has helped you to coming into more balance with this chakra. Like with the hair, it is likely partially about self esteem as the theme repeats within the dream.

With my idea of what Keanu represents, for me this would represent my heart reaching down and touching my solar Plexus Chakra giving it love and attention.

Solar Plexus Chakra
Location: between navel and solar plexus
Basic issues, power, self-esteem, strength
Color: yellow
Mantra: Ram
If balanced you feel:
energy, strength, confidence, strong will, mental balance, health, confidence, active
If unbalanced you feel:
guilty, lack of energy, weakness, allergy, fatigue, low self-esteem, worthlessness, digestion and liver problems

What does the Queen of England represent to you? In chess, the Queen is your most valuable and powerful piece...not that I play chess. Lol But basically if I were to see a queen in my dream, I would see her as a representation of the feminine part of higher self and communicating with that higher part of self.

We say, "What do they bring to the table?" These people are with you at the table. What do those parts of self bring to the table, to you for you to use as food and fuel to move you forward.

The watch being turned upside down is a little tricky for me to decipher.

Turning time upside down. Hmmmmm.

I will tell you what I am seeing but maybe there is some other meaning that will come to me later. What I am seeing is the chart I made for which way chakras should spin. The way I figured it out was to basically imagine the the human like the Earth. We know the top hemisphere the water in toilets flows clockwise. In the southern hemisphere, the water in toilets flows counter clockwise. So I started clockwise at the crown. The heart is split. It is the equator and has two different spins. In order to figure out the bottom chakra spins, I thought, "As above, so below" and turned everything upside down. So now from the perspective of the Southern hemisphere, Root is the top...but to us is bottom. As above so below is often illustrated with a tree and its roots looking the same as what is above ground.

Perhaps the watch was showing you turning things around and flipping the perspective so that now the queen who wears the crown is running the show instead of the root Chakra.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions.