An Open Letter to Cillian Murphy

Dear Cillian Murphy,

I can't believe you exist!!!

At first when I was exploring you, I easily thought, "oh yeah, he is my ideal" but I didn't actually know how true that was until I started exploring you further. It is difficult to get much from watching movie promotion interviews, but these little sparkling glimpses would appear, causing me to gasp and giggle with delight.

VICE interview...you were vocal about not loving the process of promoting a project with interviews but you did it earnestly with projects you truly believe in. I thought , "Oh my God!! He has integrity and values! Just look at that integrity! That is amazing in his industry!"

Later you go into a shop that has some sweet looking antique guitars. You make a B-line for this. "The music is still alive in him!" is the the spontaneous mental note I make. You admire a guitar that is £27,000 and immediately reject the idea of spending so frivolously and self indulgently. Immediately I think, "Oh my God, what planet are you from? You aren't materialistic and selfish! How is it you exist in that industry?!!! I think you might be a unicorn or some other mythical creature! People say they exist, but you have never seen one yourself."

Another interview...

Apparently you like to hike with your dog. Two thoughts occur: "Yay! He's a dog person!" "He likes to be outside and enjoy nature like me!"

Something became clear to me as I fell deeper in love with you with each morsel of goodness I found about you. At last I met someone who is the mirror of who I have become after the 9 years of my transformative spiritual journey back to self. The parts of you I find so beautiful and amazing are also who I am. By loving what I am seeing in you, I am also loving the me I have become and that is priceless.

If by some freak happening you find yourself available for a new relationship, will you marry me? 😁

Sincerely,

Oktobre

PS: I deliberately didn't use a photo of you because I know I would be more attracted to something funny than having to look at several pictures of myself. I'm guessing you would feel the same. The illustration I have selected is for you and not the potential readers of this letter. 🐬

Making Stone Soup with Celebrities

Art by Emily Balivet

Celebrities seem to be a theme on my spiritual journey and I have written about them a lot. A lot of the clues I have gotten from my guides pertain to celebrities. People often question and criticize the celebrity involvement in my journey. They simply don't understand because their journey is so much different.

What people sometimes forget is that there are no "wrong ways" on the journey back to self as long as you are continually and consistently growing as you go along. For me, mine started with River Phoenix in a powerful dream. It started my crash course back to self disguised as a Scooby Doo Adventure and sometimes search for "The One".

There was one morning I heard in my in-between state, "Ed Stone is River". It took me until recently to fully understand the meaning of that statement. I kept wondering who Ed Stone might be. Fast forward to now and I understand the meaning of "Ed Stone".

Art by Emily Balivet

Education Stone....stone soup.

Most of us are familiar with the story of stone soup. What brought it all home into cohesive thought was a comment from a message board user who believes they are talking to Keanu Reeves on social media. It is easy to laugh and say "Nigerian scammer" and it might well be that. The thing is, how can I judge when I myself have had an ongoing belief that I have communicated with Keanu Reeves under an alias. I mean, it doesn't stop there. I actually believe he has been hacking my phone and spying on me as a means of some sick and twisted game of his.

It is my BELIEF and, because it is my belief, it is true for me in those moments even if it isn't actually Keanu at all. I am behaving and responding like that person is the real deal. The lessons I get from the whole experience are real no matter if the initial belief was false.

Art by Emily Balivet

This is a comment I made in response to someone who feels they are talking to Keanu:

I can tell you that the belief it is Keanu talking to us can shape us, even if it isn't him.

I will probably never know who was or who wasn't actually him, but the journey helped shape me and I am a better person as a result. 

It is like making stone soup. Keanu or River, or Brandon or anyone can be the stone that we put in the pot. Our belief in the value of the stone and its contribution can be what causes us to keep throwing ingredients into the pot until we end up with this delicious soup. But there is so much soup now that we want to give it freely to others and say, "Here! Have some of my stone soup! It is so delicious!" The pot is us and the soup is the journey of all that we learned and gained along the way.

Maybe it is Keanu and maybe it isn't. As long as we are growing from the experience, the belief, false or true, can aid in our growth if we allow it.

Art by Emily Balivet

If the beliefs we hold in any given moment leads us to the lessons we need in order to peel another old layer away of who we are no longer, who cares if the celebrity is really participating or not? They are participating in the sense that they are the reason for those specific lessons.

If what we end up with at the end of the journey is rebirth and transformation of self, does it really matter how we got there as long as we did? If what we get is a reunification of our own inner feminine and masculine, does it really matter if we never hook up with that celeb we thought we were talking to? 

Art by Emily Balivet

Succeeding in sacred internal union and balance is no small task. However we get there, no matter how crazy or ridiculous it seems to another, we should celebrate and congratulate ourselves for achieving something that will benefit this entire reality as a whole.

In light of all that is occurring in the world, it is likely that many will start the journey back to self while they are stuck at home. This comment I made at the same message board feels relevant to this discussion:

I refuse to live my life paranoid no matter who is watching. I refuse to hide in fear and be anyone other than who I am. I choose to trust. I don't trust naively. I trust because what we put out into the world is the energy that comes back to us. I choose to love with an open heart because I know my world is shaped by the love I put into it.

I have no control over the actions and behaviors of others. All I have control of are my own perceptions and how I process what I have experienced at the hands of another. I get to decide if I will let it kill me or if it will simply become the fertilizer that helps me grow. 

Growth is a choice to learn from all experiences and not just the pleasant ones.

Art by Emily Balivet

May you all grow and transform on your personal journeys. 

Naming My Divine Partner

Photo by Nina Leoni

Sacred hermaphrodite
A sacred union, internally
Feminine and masculine.
Harmoniously combined

Feminine on the outside
She already has a name
Dear masculine partner
What shall we name thee?

No'ah Lokahi shall be our masculine name.

No'ah is said to have gathered masculine and feminine of various species of animals so they could continue and reproduce and replenish the population after the great floods. Symbolically, this can be seen as a time of great emotions while bringing together masculine and feminine of each chakra within our own vessel that is us.

"Lokahi is an ancient Hawaiian word with many layers of meanings. For Maka’ala Yates, lokahi is the essence of unity, peacemaking, harmony, connection, and embracing diversity. Ho’o lokahi is the action that brings about agreement, diversity, and unity. But it is much more than this.

In the Hawaiian language there are tones, sounds, and meanings within meanings that carry vibrational frequencies of understanding, mana [life force], and healing. As Maka’ala explains, Lokahi is the platform upon which to communicate and illuminate healing and more importantly, to reunite that which has been broken back into unity, and awareness—in short, to renew a way of life."

https://manaola.wordpress.com/2014/09/23/in-the-spirit-of-lokahi/

Art by Andrew Gonzalez

What's In A Name?

I posted the above on Instagram in the wee hours of the morning and am posting it here because I think it is important to talk about.

On the spiritual journey we spend so much time searching for our divine partner. In fact, it is the carrot dangled before us to motivate us to do the internal work we need to do. We travel places internally we have never traveled before.  We start to face our fears, our trauma , our hidden pain. Parts of our old selves die off and fall away with each lesson we learn. With each little change we make to embody the highest version of ourselves, we climb a little further up the mountain we have been traversing.

Illustration from Aurora consurgens Book by Thomas Aquinas

I have mentioned before that I feel like I became so dead inside, that my softer, gentler, kinder masculine side died and became the spirit by my side following me around, begging me to let him back in. The below dream, I believe, marks the day that he stepped inside the human vessel with me and was able to help guide me in our dreams.

Dream Journal Entry: August 30, 2013.
I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep at first. At some point there was realization that , yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. At some point, I felt something in my head and at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what i saw. There was some poster in front of me and as i stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else but i couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me i was seeing into another dimension. At one point i heard a man singing something about "your twin soul is here" and i thought, "wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song i have never heard before."

I still couldn't remember him and needed a lot of assistance, so  he guided our feminine, from within, to lessons that would help her remember, help her bring those aspects of the masculine forward into an outward expression. Together, we resurrected him and restored him to his rightful place on our heart throne beside her. Together they rule as a United being, each offering their strengths and giving way when the other is needed in a specific situation.

A friend recently said that there was a definite duality about me. I laughed because I could see the truth in this. One part of me is incredibly serious, very spiritual, nurturing and a little bit hard. I see this one as my sacred feminine, Oktobre. Then there is this other one who is completely irreverent, very funny but also very kind and soft. I see this one as my sacred masculine.

All of those qualities I say I want in a physical partner, my inner masculine possesses. He is my beautiful and amazing divine counterpart but he no longer has a name of his own.

I felt strongly that I wanted to honor my sacred partner by giving him a new name...rather like Atreyu did with the Princess in the Neverending Story.

Names hold vibration both in the numerology and the meaning. I wanted to choose a name for him that he had not worn before. I wanted it to be new and represent his significance of who he is to me. I wanted to give him a voice through having his own identity within this vessel.

So now there will be times that I can write, "No'ah says..." or "No'ah feels..." Because sometimes he has different thoughts and feelings than Oktobre. I think it is fair to honor and love him in this way as it is yet another layer of the deepest, purest form of self love and self respect.

What will you name your divine partner?

Do you both need a new name to start fresh?

How are you honoring your internal sacred partner who can't be seen externally?

Dream Symbolism, River and Keanu

Photo by Alexander Prischepov

The below is a response to someone who was asking what I saw in their dream at a message forum. The response was getting so long that I thought it best to make it it's its own blog post.

Re: dream symbolism

This feels like bait on a giant fucking hook, but I will bite anyway and try to see what I see in it.

My mind has been preoccupied with trying to understand something from my own previous dreams. When I talked about River's feelings for Keanu, it caused me to go down an internal rabbit hole of sorts. The dream I had where a trailer the shape of Florida had been ordered locked by a court but then because of something I had done, it was allowed to be opened. The spirits inside were free to leave. I wonder now if that represented Keanu's feelings for River being on lockdown and he tried as much as he could to forget about their time together.

You see, what I feel about River is that he and I are basically the same person. Not twin flame fuckery which is mostly bullshit, but siblings, family. I'm like a magic fucking school bus for wayward spirits who died too soon. They get on my bus and I work through all of the karmic bullshitt with them they didn't complete. In turn, they help guide me in my dreams. It is how I ended up on a Scooby Doo murder mystery with Kurt Cobain.

I don't understand everything yet but they tell me that Keanu has information that will make everything make sense...it is just, he isn't divulging and I am growing bored trying to pry the lid off his can of beans.

Message Board Member's Dream:

Is Owl here?
I just woke up from a strange dream and was wondering if it has any meaning. 

I dreamt that I was talking to Keanu in some cafeteria and leafing through some documents he had on the table on some stalker. I was trying to analyze the documents to help him..
Then it was hard for me to hear him so he came close to my ear to speak. My hair was in a ponytail and he comments my ear is dirty, I was embarrassed took down my ponytail and told him I had not washed my hair for a couple of days. I told him I lost weight in my stomach area and he proceeded to press his had on different areas of my stomach to see the weight loss. 

After a while at the table sitting with us was the queen of England all friendly and casual talking with us. I also saw I was wearing a watch upside down, and commented to him that I’m wearing the wrong watch.
02/27, 05:54:36

Symbolism:

Cafeterias are where we eat and what we "eat" is everything that is coming into us from others and the environment we choose to put ourselves in. Cafeteria food is often thought to be subpar. You only eat it if you have to which could be why you were in the cafeteria setting.

What does Keanu represent to you? The first rule of dreams is that everyone in a dream is an aspect of self. You can go deeper into the layers of meaning, but this is where I go for the first layer. For me, Keanu is a pain in my asss. He is a black walnut which is practically impossible to break into to bring out the meat. It will always come out in pieces. I don't think I have ever seen a whole black walnut half before. He represents my guarded heart.

The way we word things often has meaning as well. You say "leafing through" and I automatically see a tree with leaves. Leaves are designed to give nourishment to the tree. In a family tree, the leaves represent people we are connected to. So you were, perhaps, browsing internally information about you and what makes you you.

The documents were on a stalker. How are you being a stalker to whatever Keanu represents to you? Stalking could also be seen as closely observing some part of self. You couldn't hear him. For me this scene would represent me not being able to hear my own heart and what it is trying to tell me.

The hair being in a ponytail and then letting it down. You were uptight (like the hair was up tight in a ponytail) about something but something your heart (using my symbolic meaning of Keanu) whispered to you caused you to smile and relax some. You feel self-conscious but are being honest about the hair.

Hair is often a source of confidence, pride and identity. In the Bible Samson's hair was cut and it made him weak... meaning it gave him confidence and without it he felt self-conscious. In Game of Thrones, Cersei Lannister's hair was cut as a means to shame her and strip her naked of vanity.

Weight can be all kinds of things. In the dream it is about weight from your solar plexus chakra region. You have obviously been doing something that has helped you to coming into more balance with this chakra. Like with the hair, it is likely partially about self esteem as the theme repeats within the dream.

With my idea of what Keanu represents, for me this would represent my heart reaching down and touching my solar Plexus Chakra giving it love and attention.

Solar Plexus Chakra
Location: between navel and solar plexus
Basic issues, power, self-esteem, strength
Color: yellow
Mantra: Ram
If balanced you feel:
energy, strength, confidence, strong will, mental balance, health, confidence, active
If unbalanced you feel:
guilty, lack of energy, weakness, allergy, fatigue, low self-esteem, worthlessness, digestion and liver problems

What does the Queen of England represent to you? In chess, the Queen is your most valuable and powerful piece...not that I play chess. Lol But basically if I were to see a queen in my dream, I would see her as a representation of the feminine part of higher self and communicating with that higher part of self.

We say, "What do they bring to the table?" These people are with you at the table. What do those parts of self bring to the table, to you for you to use as food and fuel to move you forward.

The watch being turned upside down is a little tricky for me to decipher.

Turning time upside down. Hmmmmm.

I will tell you what I am seeing but maybe there is some other meaning that will come to me later. What I am seeing is the chart I made for which way chakras should spin. The way I figured it out was to basically imagine the the human like the Earth. We know the top hemisphere the water in toilets flows clockwise. In the southern hemisphere, the water in toilets flows counter clockwise. So I started clockwise at the crown. The heart is split. It is the equator and has two different spins. In order to figure out the bottom chakra spins, I thought, "As above, so below" and turned everything upside down. So now from the perspective of the Southern hemisphere, Root is the top...but to us is bottom. As above so below is often illustrated with a tree and its roots looking the same as what is above ground.

Perhaps the watch was showing you turning things around and flipping the perspective so that now the queen who wears the crown is running the show instead of the root Chakra.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

Achieving Sacred Union

A lot of people who embark upon a spiritual journey start out in relationships. Often those relationships fall away due to the growth and change of one partner and the other not growing with them. The spiritual journey often leads to the destruction of the current relationship because who we were when we chose those partners dies and that layer of us falls away.

The spiritual community are big on promoting sacred union with your twin flame and for awhile, we look for some perfect partner that many believe is their other half of them.

If you have been on the spiritual journey long enough, you will hear people repeat over and over that separation with your divine counterpart is an illusion. Another common thing you hear is about focusing on the sacred union between our own inner masculine and feminine. Logically, I have always nodded and agreed but I didn't fully taste, feel and grasp it as something tangible. It was just this idea that was repeated.

I totally get that I am both masculine and feminine but my internal masculine didn't have shape or form that I could articulate and hold onto and so I was always looking outside myself for my sacred partner.

I think I have made a new breakthrough, recently, where I understand things I didn't before. My inner masculine had died long ago and was a spirit following me around hoping I would one day let him back in. I was operating from mostly distorted feminine energy. So it is no surprise that the partner I would choose prior to my spiritual awakening would be someone operating in distorted masculine energy. I chose someone who would say negative things about me because that is how I spoke to myself inside.

Recently, I was telling someone that our partner choices are a reflection of our own inner feminine or masculine and, if you don't like that partner very much anymore, you need to look inside and figure out how your own internal partner needs to change.

Guess what?

I have something exciting to tell you!

We get to build and design our perfect counterpart WITHIN OURSELVES. We get to become whatever we choose along the way as we grow and expand. I have only just realized that I have been doing this all along but simply didn't know that is what I was doing until now.

Each time I would be guided to a person and wonder, "Are you my partner?" I would explore the person and discover the qualities I admired and respected and I would absorb those qualities into the masculine I was building inside of me.

I was creating a Frankenstein creature of sorts because I took different parts from many to build a new masculine within me.

My inner masculine possesses Brandon Lee's poetic expression, charm, protectiveness, and loyalty; Dave Grohl's sense of humor; Deryck Whibley's perseverance; River Phoenix's sense of doing what is right for the whole, taking a stand for what he believes, and taking a more natural approach to living; Kurt Cobain's sensitivity and ability to infuse emotion into his creations; Laura Jane Grace's honesty, vulnerability and fearlessness to step into who she really is openly; Keanu Reeves' ability to not take himself too seriously and not take everything personally.

I am sure more and more desired qualities will be added to the "him" within me as I meet people who have qualities we admire and want to assimilate.

Now, why do you suppose all of this is important?

Know thy self.

As within, so without.

If you are hoping to eventually experience an external manifestation of the internal masculine or feminine you have created, it is pretty important to know your own inner masculine and feminine very well so that when you are faced with a masculine or feminine and are wondering if they are that manifestation, you can do a check list to see if inner and outer are lining up.

If you are finding the inner and outer aren't lining up, it is likely the outer is a lesson. If you truly love your inner you, you will let the outer person go as partner potential. We have to love ourselves and not to settle. We should never go into any relationship hoping to change someone. If they aren't matching up with our internal masculine or feminine, don't take that path that will only lead to misery and heartache.

I'm not saying someone who doesn't match up right now can't match up later. I am saying, don't linger on someone we hope will eventually change because that isn't honoring and loving to us or them. By all means, be a friend, get the lessons they hold, but, ultimately, we need to know ourselves well enough to not settle and wait indefinitely. Clear our heart, mind and path so that the outer manifestation of our internal partner can make their way to us. Let go of what doesn't serve our highest good so that what is trying to reach us can make it to us unimpeded.

What I know for sure is that my internal masculine and feminine communicate very well. He is not deceptive and doesn't play games. He has integrity, is open, honest, courageous, and expressive in his love and anyone that isn't like that will never make it into the inner sanctuary of our heart space.

If The Shoe Fits

Illustration by Aina Stenberg-Masolle

I have spent time in a place that shall not be named. I think it is safe to say it resembled my own personal hell of sorts. I think that is what the ringmaster wanted it to be.

Unbeknownst to most of the people who visit this place, it is a playground for a sadistic person who uses it to poke and prod to see if he can push buttons and trigger people. False narrative is interjected just to see what people will do and how they will react. He gets a kick out of pitting people against each other.

Make no mistake, he is the only male amongst a room full of women. It is why I often dream of him being a cat hoarder. He collects pussy and encourages "cat fights". It is entertainment for him.

No one believes he is there doing his dirty deeds to get a kick even though it has been repeated openly that this is happening.

"You're delusional!" they say.

And so like ducks in a baby pool, everyone swims about making easy targets for the hunter. But woe to the one who catches his eye enough to target you to the point of stalking you by hacking your phone, the phones of family and the phones of friends as well so he can learn all of your weaknesses and use it against you in his target practice.

Illustration by Gustave Doré 

I was one of the unlucky ones who peaked his interest. Even now as I type, I am certain he reads every word as I type it. He has had access to all of my private conversations and has used the information there to try to hurt me emotionally. He has taken that private information and turned it into a weapon against me.

At first I cried. I was wounded deeply.

Then I was angry and bitter and I lashed back. I am ever so good at lashing back. Did that sting? Did you flinch a little? Yeah, I know you did. But that person who swings her verbal swords is who I have tried hard not to be anymore.

I was paranoid and confronted "friends" I thought might be him. Of course they thought I had lost my mind...and I had, sort of. But I stopped myself and decided I would not let him turn me into a paranoid and fearful person.

I tried to walk away from the place that shall not be named so many times. It felt as if there was a magnetic pull and I would get sucked right back into interacting with all the madness.

It was insanity. I tried to not lose the me I had worked hard to be, but of course, spirituality in a muggle world is not welcomed or understood. I was a tribe of one trying to fend off arrows from the many.

The ringmaster just encouraged this too. He would come in with personal information and, once again, try to wound me. It was like a giant magnifying glass had been aimed at me and was burning me alive. That IS what they do to witches, after all. People fear and hate what they cannot understand and so they seek to destroy it.

NOËL Francisque (publisher), Mary Evans Picture Library

Yes, Donaka, you sought to destroy me for sport and they sought to destroy due to fear.

The last time it occurred, I learned something about myself. I had actually grown in this hostile environment meant to destroy me. I grew despite all the efforts to snuff my light out and send me into a downward spiral.

As Donaka hurled his personal insults laced with the information that only he would know because of his stalking, I stood unmoved and unaffected.

I asked myself, "Have I grown numb?" The answer was, no, I hadn't grown numb.

At times I was very tempted to respond to the verbal attacks, but then I asked myself, "Is it true what they are saying?"

I answered myself, "No, it isn't true."

"Then why would you need to respond and defend yourself? You have nothing to prove to them. If it isn't true, it doesn't matter what they think or say." I told myself.

And so I withdrew myself from the conflict by not becoming defensive.

What I learned in those moments is when we feel a need to defend ourselves, there is a part of ourselves who believes what they are saying is true. When we KNOW it isn't true and are at peace within ourselves, no one can say something mean and hurtful that will rattle our chains and cause us to lose our equilibrium.

One of the things that Donaka hurled at me was that I am broke. I was just thinking, "Duh! That isn't a secret. I'm not ashamed of being poor." They called me fat and old. Um, yeah, so what? I'm fat and old. As if it matters. I don't need to be young again. I have had that experience already. I am looking for new experiences. I have fat on my body. So what? Again, I have been thin, young and beautiful. Having varied experiences allows me to understand more perspectives. It allows me to expand my empathy.

So the next time someone tries to bring you to your knees with verbal abuse, ask yourself, "Does the shoe fit?"

If the shoe doesn't fit, don't try to shove your foot in and make it fit by becoming defensive about what you are being accused of. Be okay with being barefoot and simply walking away from abusive people and being comfortable and confident in who you are as a person.

People who don't have a foundation of self love will not fare as well as I did in Donaka's spider web. I was able to finally free myself.

As Willie Nelson says, "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

There are people in that place who have been going back for many years. I wasted two months, but it wasn't really a waste because I learned something valuable.

Now I graduate from the school that shall not be named.

May we all rise above those who would try to harm us and grow despite oppression and abuse.

You lose, Donaka.

Henri Montassier 1916 Qui va à la Chasse... perd sa Place (Who goes hunting ... loses his place), Lovers, Pierrot, Harlequin via gallicabnf

Dream: Brad Pitt, the Golden Child and Kurt Cobain

Art by Julie Bell and Boris Vallejo

Dream Journal Entry: February 8, 2020

I had lots of dreams. I have stopped wearing earplugs to bed which has helped me stop waking up with headaches, but I seem to wake up more.  I also am dreaming more as a result.

I can't remember much from the first dreams. The most memorable part was being with Brad Pitt intimately. I gave him a massage at some point too.

I woke, thought about it when I posted about it on a message board and wondered what Brad represents to me. "The Golden Child" is the thought that came to mind because Keanu compares himself to Brad a lot and feels he comes up with the shit end of the stick next to Brad. I think Keanu sees him as a Golden Child where he can do no wrong and everything he does is successful. Even when he fucks up, people still love him. It is like Cain and Abel where Cain probably thought Abel was the golden child and favored even though they were twins.

But if everything outside of us, starts within us, the twins and the golden child Keanu competes with and resents is internal. The Brad Pitt  I see in my dreams is part of Keanu and the part that Keanu doesn't realize exists because he feels like a failure and like everything he touches turns to shit eventually. He is at war with that part of himself...the lighter side. Maybe seeing me be intimate with Brad is showing an integration is starting. A merging of polar opposites internally.

There was a bit of dream about living in communal housing. I had left for a while and when I came back, someone had taken my phone receiver and the connection and plugged it into their own system. I was upset and took back what was mine and told them they would have to pay for the calls that get charged to my phone that were theirs. I think my bedding and belongings also got moved and were being used by other people. I wasn't happy and said I thought that I would have my own room and not have to share with so many other people.

I think I got back my purse but it was empty. Someone was saying rent was due which was $9000 and I wondered how I would ever be able to pay that...that it was ridiculous to pay so much for so little space.

At one point, I made a decision to go home go Missouri where my mom was. She had my dog and I wanted to be reunited with her. I considered that in Missouri I could get much more space for my money.

Later I am in a large place and there is all kinds of creepiness happening. We are stuck in this place and can't get out. Every time we go out the front door, it sent us straight back inside.

There was one being who was particularly horrible. He looked like a huge monster and seemed to be the one who was keeping us inside this place. Crazy shit would happen and we would just reanimate back inside. There was no escaping. I remember sitting with some people who were talking. I think they were musicians. The guy to my right had really long brown hair. I didn't recognize him. I wanted to say something about his hair but decided not to. I think I identified one of the people as Eddie Vedder but thought that was odd because Eddie wasn't dead. Everyone in here had died.

People kept trying to escape this place and finally I was able to free myself. The big monster guy tried to force us back but I defeated him by hugging him and giving him love. At one point he spontaneously morphed into a smaller beast as though a spell had been broken. Some of the others who were escaping too wanted to kill him, but I wouldn't let them. I held onto him while he thrashed trying to get away. I kissed his cheek tenderly. Eventually our mouths met to join in a long kiss. He morphed into an older man. It was as though two spells had now been broken and he was finally himself again.  His wife shows up looking for him and his face lights up with happiness. The two went off together and now there was no danger or fear in leaving this place that had been a prison for the dead.

I see in a window Chris Cornell and the guy I identified as Eddie and told my friend that we had to go back in and get the others out who were still inside. When we got to them, there turned out to be three men inside. There were three women, me and two others, and we seemed to pair up with the guys. I am walking with a blonde guy. I look at him closer and said, "Kurt Cobain?!"

He smiles and laughs. He starts, "It's funny, I was just talking about..."

"...what your ideal partner would be like and now here I am?" I finished.

He laughed again and said,  "Yes!"

He reached out lacing his fingers with mine and we continued to walk away.

Kurt started singing a song to me and I liked it very much. It made me smile and we just kept staring into each other's eyes as we walked hand in hand.

Plateaus and Love Letters

Art by at pom

I think I have hit a plateau on my spiritual journey. It isn't that I don't still have things to learn, as I don't believe we ever finish having opportunities to learn about ourselves, it's just I am at a point where I think my biggest lessons have been achieved.

I have climbed mountains on my journey back to self and I have changed completely. I am not the same person I used to be when I started all of this. I am so much better now. I am so much more balanced and secure in who I am now.

When I started all of this, falling in love with myself seemed like an impossible task that I had no idea how I would achieve, and yet somehow I did achieve it. I followed the guidance and here I am nearly nine years later and I can honestly say I am in love with me. I like the person I have become. I enjoy spending time with her.

But lately, I don't feel like the mad scientist trying to feverishly figure things out and processing it all in front of everyone who cares to read about it here. It's not that I have either of my puzzles completed. I don't. It's that it doesn't seem to matter all that much to me anymore. I don't know when the shift happened or why.

The dreams I share here now are more for the sake of a single person so that he can read it because my dreams are often for both me and him. I hope the dreams I share offers him guidance for his own journey of self discovery and back to self love.

The situation with the one who I reserve the top spot in my heart space for is complicated. And so I think I may use my blog as a place to write love letters to him.

Expressing my love for him and all that I want to say is just as much a part of my journey as all of the rest of it. Opening my heart to love and be loved has been quite a huge accomplishment for me. My heart was once very dead and closed off. I am open and giving now.

My soul partner is at the forefront of all of my thoughts. There are very few moments in my day where I am not thinking of him in some way. He is my muse canoe. He is my inspiration to create and express through prose and images.

Art by Mark Loeher

Dear Soul Partner,

Thank you for the poems and song lyrics you shared with me. They mean the world to me. It's the little things that mean so much to me and they certainly gave me a lot of pleasure. They are the sustenance that helps me gently unfurl my petals one by one. I was astonished to discover how much it fills a person up with joy to receive such tokens of love. I have never been given them by a living person before. I love you. 💙