Damaged

Photo by Natalia Drepina

I was having a conversation with my friend yesterday and something came out that I feel is important to acknowledge. Sometimes where Spirit guides us actually leaves us more damaged after the encounter rather than more healed. This is what I said:

I guess I feel more like, I have worked my ass off for 10 years spiritually. I have worked my ass off for 14 years raising my daughter, cooking cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc and often doing without because I'm very practical and feel guilty spending frivolously. I have done without while "my partner" is comfortable buying concert tickets and doing whatever entertainment he feels he wants without regard to the needs of his family. I feel like an indentured slave and like I have worked long and hard enough without pay that it is time for a big freaking wad of cash to drop out of the sky and into my lap.

I deserve a vacation life for all the work I have done.

As for my heart being open...I honestly think a lot of the experiences I have had over the last three years have caused my heart to close more, not open it. I feel damaged.  

I obviously have no faith that the wad of cash will drop from the sky or I wouldn't be tweaking my résumé in order to get a job. Lol 

I'm to the point where I'm kind of over the lessons. I don't want to be in school. I just want to live. 

Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow or next week...but you know... spiritual burnout.