Lab Rats

Judith Beheading Holofernes
Painting by Artemisia Gentileschi

Here's the thing, "Kevin"...this was the last straw. You almost had me believing you were who you said you were,  but there were too many red flags suggesting otherwise. There were too many times I felt you did certain things just to push my buttons to see how I would react like I was a lab rat. 

Anything I might have felt for you, the you behind the character you were performing, died yesterday. Congratulations on repeating a pattern of self sabotage where you push people away through your own behaviors and then cry when they leave, "Everyone abandons me!' 

Maybe someone did abandon you once and left a gaping wound, but now you play it out over and over in your life. You keep playing out the same scenes because you are doing it to yourself. All of us do it...play out our wounds over and over, hurt ourselves and then claim someone else is doing it to us.... until we decide to heal.

I hope someday you choose to heal. I hope some day you stop pretending to be a host of different characters and finally figure out who you want to be and embody that person. I hope that person is a kind, compassionate and loving person and has the ability to consider if their actions and behavior would be that which they would want if roles were reversed. You know, treat others the way you would want them to treat you.

I'm not your therapist. It's not my job to heal you.

I'm not your mommy. It's not my job to mother you.

I'm not your anything....not even your victim because I willingly participated even though I knew it was a ruse. 

Kindly fuck off and don't come back trying to talk to me again. 

Slave Wife

Photo by Izis Bidermanas

Dream Journal Entry: December 20, 2022

I dreamed I was at some building. Sometimes it feels like apartments and then other times it feels like a school, perhaps. I'm sort of watching a movie, only it is more interactive... like the movie is taking place around me. They had used River Phoenix's likeness for the movie. It was like cgi and extra footage of his from another time and they had pieced it together to fit this movie that was made. When the movie was over, I felt a bit sad that River wasn't really still there to engage with people and me.

I sat outside in a courtyard for a little while and I was smoking a cigarette which is weird because I don't actually smoke in my waking state. I offered some of my lit cigarette to Nina, an old classmate who was there with me. It was the dregs of the tail end of one so I offered to light a new one for her and did, then handed it to her. I had the thought that i would give up smoking soon. I didn't want to do it anymore.

I remember seeing other old classmates in the courtyard as well. One of them is saying something about someone being an asshole. I think he is talking to me at first and then see he is calling Darren, the other classmate, this. They are laughing about it.  As I sat there thinking I should go inside, this huge library wall of books came tumbling down as if an avalanche had pushed it over. But on closer inspection, I could see there was a group of people who had toppled it deliberately and were destroying things in their path. Snow along with books carried us all away down the side of this mountain and into a nearby forest. I scrambled to get to my feet and started looking for my dog. I was concerned that she had been buried alive. Someone found her for me and gave her to me. 

As I held onto my little dog and checked for injuries, this group of people who were destroying people had made their way to me and captured me. I thought they were going to kill me. A red wild fox came up and tried to protect me but I didn't know why. I thought it was curious that this beautiful wild animal I had never met before would come to my defense. The people shoved it away from me.

It was determined that my punishment would not be death but to be given to one of the leaders as a slave wife. This upset his other wife. She didn't want to share her husband. The other wife was instructed to cut my face so that it would leave a scar/mark so that I was easily identifiable as a slave wife, but the other wife was unsuccessful at cutting me with her own nails. She was told to dress me in similar clothes as her. I remember the colors blue and white in the shirt I was given. It was like a white lacey top with royal blue showing underneath the lace. 

Photo by Aaron Mundow

I was taken with this tribe of people as they destroyed people they came upon. Now I am seeing above into buildings and something is said about all the people that needed to be destroyed and I am hearing something about COVID aiding in this task. Specific people were targeted while younger children were allowed to live, often. 

We came up on some part machine, part man thing that was created to be a weapon to take out a lot of people. It came up to me and identified me as a threat and was going to kill me, but I was able to hold it's shooting arms down so that all the shots that went off never met their mark and ultimately ended up destroying itself. My husband was with me and had allowed this to take place. It feels like he has a lot of control and people do as he says. He didn't let anyone do anything to me after this interaction and destruction of the robot.

 

Photo by Izis Bidermanas

Later, we were all getting into this herbal bath type thing. I could see herbs floating around in the water.  Many of the fighters sat with relief into the warm water, my husband included. I could finally see his face at this point. He had long hair that mostly covered it before, but now I could see he looked fairly normal and not as grotesque as I had imagined. I sat close to him and touched his skin. He rolled over onto his stomach and I could see what looked like scars from some sort of big wound he had obviously received.  He was very tall and had defined muscles. 

When he turned back over, I touched his chest and felt him become erect and saw him smile. I started to lower myself onto his hard cock. As I did so, I saw a scene flash of how a drop of his blood had fallen onto me into an open wound of mine and because he was more than human, it had given me some of his strength and power which prevented the wife from being able to cut me and gave me the strength to destroy that robot/man thing....and then I woke up.

Turning It All Around

Painting by Emile Auguste Hublin

Dream Journal Entry: December 18, 2022

I can only remember fragments of dreams. I remember a bit where I was traversing a precarious path with someone in a vehicle. I didn't think the vehicle we were in would be able to navigate this path that was on the side of a steep cliffside. It didn't feel safe but my companion kept going and we made it through okay. There was something about gathering ingredients for some cure that could help a lot of people. Someone came along who was trying to prevent the cure, I'm not sure who. I just remember they were trying to prevent it. Someone, maybe my companion, put the ingredients into different containers, thus, preventing them from being taken, but they were actually harder to transport the cure in. I remember one of the containers having a green substance. Green is the color of the outer heart chakra.

I vaguely remember being in a car that seems to be moving on its own and was about to rear-end another car. I reached over to the empty driver's seat and stomped on the brakes, but the car only slowed and kept moving and hit the back of a car but didn't do much damage.

As I was waking, I saw myself holding a few stacked trays of eggs and then lose my balance and they started to turn upside down, but then I acted quickly and kept the eggs moving so they were upright again and none of them were lost or broken. As I was processing what I saw, I heard, "He's about to lose it all but he can still turn it all around and save it. He simply has to open up and talk about it now. He has to find his voice."

I Wonder When

Photo by Monia Merlo

I wonder when you are finally going to show up for me? 

Sooner is better.

Are you waiting for a sign from me? 

This is your sign.

Are you waiting for my permission? 

Permission granted.

How many times do I have to tell you that I love you for you to believe me? 

I will tell you as many times as you need.

Show up for me.

Please.

Come see me. 

Here.

Surprise me.

Now.

Tell me that you feel the same way, too.

True love.

Photo by Monia Merlo 

Do you feel unworthy?

You aren't.

Do you think there has been too much water under the bridge?

The water only cleans and clears.

Do you think I could never forgive you if I knew the full truth?

I have already forgiven all the possibilities.

Do you think my heart has become closed to you?

My heart is full with the love I still feel for you.

These words are a window I have opened for you. 

All you have to do is come to me through it.

All I want for Christmas is to be together with you.

Oktobre Taylor 

Escaping the Entertainment Maze

Art by kelogsloops

Dream Journal Entry: December 10, 2022

I dreamed that I was walking through a city. I can't say what city I was in. As I was walking, I decided to cut through a building that seemed sort of interesting. I thought I could easily pass through and keep going the direction I was headed, only once I was inside, I found it very difficult to find my way back out. There were lots of Asian tourists in this place and I had obviously hit a peak tourist point. I seem to have a female companion with me at times and I feel annoyed by her presence rather than comforted when I started to feel anxious that I couldn't seem to find an exit in this building.

I traverse different rooms in this building and each room had some sort of different theme of entertainment. Some had formal concerts being performed, one had rock bands, another room had high end dining. Yet another small room had a Santa/Christmas theme. In the center of the room was a display of things being given away. Most of the items were eggs. I had several but noticed a green spotted egg that had been part of a display scene that I wanted and worked to take to put in my bag. I decided to take several eggs out that were all the same. I seem to recall they were red in color. I think I might have kept a total of 3 eggs and left the rest for others to find.

When I got to the rock band section, I considered that the band had to be bringing their equipment in through an exit door and I tried to find that location but I couldn't seem to get to it. At one point, my companion tried to put a blanket around me when I was getting distraught about not being able to find my way out. It seemed like I was going to be forced to stay the night there and I didn't want to. It was then suggested that this place was actually a maze and I thought that must be exactly what it was, a maze designed to keep you there and that's why there were so many people still in the building. 

I was determined to keep trying to find a way out of this place and kept opening doors and venturing into different rooms when looking for the exit. We ended up going up a level and somehow ended up in an area that was outside but was a balcony on the building. There wasn't a gate to leave. I could see blue skies and thought I would just have to jump over the side to leave but that is when I noticed this place wasn't stationary, that it was actually moving. My companion jumped over the side and was running so that the momentum and speed at which the building was moving wouldn't kill her when she jumped to freedom. I wanted to do the same but I hesitated wondering if I would be able to gather enough speed I would need to keep from injuring myself. I had to hurry because the building was moving out of the daylight and into a tunnel so I moved to jump and considered I wouldn't have that far to go to get back into the light. I think I woke up there.

I remember another dream that thad to do with feeling like I had to catch a flight home and was worried that I wasn't going to make my flight if I didn't hurry.

I also remember something about me flying...not in a plane but just by thought and will. Once I was up high, I remembered that if I believed i was supported, I could stay up there and actually recline back and relax without falling.

Art by kelogsloops

In a different dream, I found myself in a Whole Foods. I was looking to see if they had my shampoo. I found the brand but it had hand lotion and a 2 in 1 shampoo conditioner that I wasn't interested in. I remember thinking that this store had changed a lot and that they had obviously gotten rid of a lot of the products they used to carry. I guessed that the reason was because people probably didn't shop there as much anymore. I was thinking about how I didn't really buy much from there anymore because it was all so expensive. Where there used to be product on shelves now was a big wide open empty space. I did notice that they had seating and I mentioned to someone that this actually might be a good place to meet up with people to have a chat because it was so quiet there. 

I left Whole Foods and was walking through the parking lot. There was someone at one of the entrances that looked like a Clown or a drag queen and they seem to be there to draw attention to the store to bring people in. Inara was intrigued by the person and sort of danced with them for a little while until I told her it was time to go and she needed to come with me. It was then I seem to be heading somewhere specific and I seem to have had some people stop and asked if they could give us a ride to my mom's house where we were staying. I've lost parts of this dream and can't remember many specifics.

Showing Up

Here's the thing, Kevin, if you want to be seen as a "man" and not a "boy", you have to behave as a man would. A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear in mid conversation. A well developed and emotionally mature man would consider how he would feel in the situation if roles were reversed and act accordingly to how he would want to be treated

A well developed and emotionally mature man wouldn't just disappear and deactivate their account without explanation. 

I'm not a motherfucking yo-yo.

You keep treating me like a yo-yo, therefore I have no other option but to clip the string.

Do I love you? Yes, I do, but love isn't enough if action and respect isn't being reciprocated.

I love myself enough to walk away because you won't consistently show up for me and give me the same respect you would want from a partner.

I'm capable of loving you from a distance but alone and single since the situation seems to call for it. Unconditional love doesn't mean we have to stay and get treated "less than".

For the most part, no one comes here and this is for my own catharsis. But maybe you will wonder where I went to and stumble upon this blog post someday.

I have meant everything I have ever said to you. I have never lied, but Inara pointed out an important red flag. She wondered how you could have a good relationship with someone who lied as the foundation of the relationship, and that's a really good question. How can I trust you when you lied at the very beginning. Is anything you said to me even true? How am I to know?

If there isn't open, honest, and consistent communication in a relationship, that relationship will never last.

If there isn't respect and consideration for the other person's feelings, then it becomes a really toxic relationship very fast. That's not what I want.

If you won't show up for me and be consistent, fuck the hell right off. I deserve more than a pretty dick pic.

I stand alone.

Update

Attribution Unknown 

On April 18, I put out a call on FB saying that I needed a job and needed help getting there since it had been 14 years since I had a proper job and had to go through the application and interview process. While that post didn't actually result in the assistance I had hoped for, it did send a signal to the Universe of what I was seeking.

I applied a couple different places and scored an interview at Trader Joe's for a new store that was going to open up near me. It wasn't long before I got a rejection call from Trader Joe's after my interview. I tried to be optimistic, but I was secretly disheartened and worried that my lack of official employment for the last 14 years would be a difficult obstacle to overcome.

I told my daughter while we took our daily walk in the neighborhood, "I really wish there was a nearby mom and pop sort of place who do things the old fashioned way and would be willing to give me a chance." Shortly after, we happened to have gone to Plaid Pantry and walked by Primo Espresso. It was closed as it was after 2 pm, but I noticed a sign saying they were looking for baristas and bakers. Inara had mentioned previously she thought I should work at Primo and I remember saying I thought that it was primarily family run and I didn't think they hired many people outside of family, but when I saw the sign, I got excited about the possibility of having a job only 2 blocks from where I live.

I submitted my application online that evening. 

Photo by Rohit Rattan

Now, I had never been to Primo but my daughter has on multiple occasions. I had always imagined it was sort of a sleepy cafe where customers trickled in and maybe one or two people behind the counter making drinks. Imagine my surprise when I came in the next day on a weekend to check it out and it was VERY busy and there were probably 3-4 people behind the counter. I looked for Samantha, who the Primo website said I should ask for to introduce myself to, but I didn't see anyone out front that resembled her. I decided it was too busy to bother asking and I decided I could come back another day to ask for her.

It wasn't long before I received an email asking me to come in for an interview. It was probably the shortest interview of my entire life and I was hired within that brief meeting. I was told they wanted to hire me to be a baker, which I was fine with, but I had all kinds of fears and doubts about whether or not I could do the job. I've baked at home, but I have never professionally baked. Add to that, I have to be to work by 4 am, which was a drastic shift in my usual sleep routine where I was going to bed at 3 and 4 am, not going to work then.

Eventually, Sami and Ian revealed how they had been hoping and wishing someone older would apply who they could trust to help with the baking duties. They said they couldn't believe it when it finally happened. As it turned out, they were the exact "mom and pop" type business I had wished out loud for, therefore, we were a match and the universe brought us together.

Serendipity.

Attribution Unknown 

I've been training for the last three weeks and today is Thanksgiving. I went to bed last night at about 7pm and automatically woke up at 4am. I decided to bake banana bread while everyone else slept. As I put the ingredients together, I reflected on my recent training experience at my new job. I thought about the mistakes I had made: I left the chocolate chips out of the pumpkin chocolate chip bread....shit!....I underbaked a scone....I overbaked the mini scones....fuck!...I forgot to set the timer...omfg! But with each blunder, I was given understanding, kindness and positive reinforcement from Sami and her mother-in-law, Mary. I was given encouragement and told it was okay, that I would get the hang of it. I was told I could use these mistakes as an opportunity to learn, which I absolutely did. I took apart the scone that flattened in the middle to physically see where it wasn't done. The hockey puck mini scones were glazed and set out for any brave employee willing to sink their teeth into them. It made me think of the phrase, "Eat your mistakes".

In my reflections, I just felt an enormous amount of gratitude for my new employers and the new family I have found myself a part of. I am so incredibly thankful for the kindness and patience they have shown me. I am so thankful for the gentle guidance that has helped to build my confidence so that I can blossom rather than tear it down and whither.

We have probably all experienced situations where we felt torn down and our self confidence shaken. Sometimes, some of us were torn apart in childhood by "well meaning" parents whose only form of guidance was harsh criticisms.

I remember getting some small form of positive feedback from Sami the first time and thought to myself, "I wonder if she realizes how rare and amazing she is for being this way?" In those moments I felt my inner child, who was taught for so long that she wasn't good enough, start to heal. All of those years where I learned to fear trying to do anything new because I might not be good enough started to melt away.

Thank you, to my wonderful new family at Primo Espresso! Thank you for the opportunity, thank you for believing in me and thank you for simply shining your light by being exactly who you are openly. 🙏💜

Dream: Daisy Comes Back

Dream Journal Entry: November 13, 2022

I dreamed that our cat, Daisy, came home to us...that she hadn't actually died at all. In real life she had cancer and just quietly disappeared and never came back. We assumed she went off to die by herself.

In the dream she lost her tail, her fur was somehow longer and reddish at the front than it had before. I guessed that this had something to do with where she had been all this time. She had a floppy severed pig's ear stuck to the back of her and she was chubbier than she had been before. I wondered if it was bloat from her cancer. Her skin was bloody through her fur and I considered that we would have to have her euthanized because she seemed like she was suffering. But for those moments, I took the ear from her fur and tossed it aside and pet her lovingly even though it caused my hands to be covered in blood. I guessed that she ended up at a pig processing plant and that the people there fed her.

I also remember a young woman coming to our door. I didn't answer the door and wanted to ignore her, but she saw us laying on a bed through an open window. I ended up talking to her through the window. She asked if a young guy had been by to ask us questions. I told her he had but had trouble remembering what he had asked us. I guessed it was about whether or not we had voted or not. I considered if he had asked about things I was interested in, then I would have been able to remember. I remember looking up at a ceiling fan and seeing a word written on it that I ended up saying instead of what I meant to say. 

My mom was there and randomly dragged the young woman into the house with us. I was like, "Mom, what are you doing? You can't keep her here." Mom was going to make her leave back through the window but I said I thought that was silly, that we could just open the door for her and let her go.

In the in-between I asked about Kevin and what was going on and all they showed me was a scarecrow.

Interpretation:

A pig's ear being attached to Daisy represents "he was attached to listening to her". Someone who hacked my phone and my daughter's phone listened to our verbal conversations as well as our private online conversations. The place that processes pigs is probably me. I transmute the energy of pigs and assholes. I turn pigs and lemons into ham and lemonade. 

I'm not entirely sure whose perspective I was seeing from, but it seems to suggest that what was eating me up inside...the cancer that showed up on my doorstep in the form of a stalker/hacker was given back to whom it belongs to. Tails for a cat is a big part of how they communicate a lot of information about what they are feeling. Having this cut off means some of the ability to communicate had been cut off. The hair was a clue as to where Daisy had been. I have reddish curly hair, so this seems to suggest, again, that I am the pig processing plant in the dream.