Hire Me, Please

I saved this meme weeks before it would become my reality. On Monday, I took my little 9 year old dachshund into the vet because she was breathing funny. She has some bad teeth that need to come out ASAP. The estimate for the procedure is $1500. As a stay-at-home-mom with no income, I thought "how can I make this happen?" I'm not ready to lose her and just give up on her, but I also don't have $1500 just laying around to use. We live paycheck to paycheck.

I asked my daughter's father to give me a job. I asked him to do this long before the pet healthcare emergency. His excuse is he isn't allowed to hire family. When they were desperate for staff, I asked him to talk to his employers and ask them to make an exception because I was available to work immediately and he was traveling two hours to work everyday anyway. This way we would have two incomes coming in for the amount of money he is spending on gas to keep the job. He simply ignores me every time I suggest it.

The reality is, I haven't had a proper job for 14 years since our daughter was born. We have homeschooled, but at nearly 14, I think she will be okay while I go to work. The problem is, it's been so long that I have worked that all of my work experience and contacts are too old to use and I haven't stayed in touch with the former employers enough to use them as references. In my spiritual journey, I let go of all of my friends, so I not longer have personal references either. 

My daughter's father seems content to keep me trapped as an indentured slave. Sure, I get housing and food but no money of my own and no extras like clothes and vet care for my dog. His solution is always "go get a job" and yet he is unwilling to try to give me an opportunity to help me get back on my feet so that I have experience and references again.

My other limitation is that I don't own a vehicle and, when he goes to work, he is 2 hours away so using his vehicle isn't even a possibility most days. I either have to be able to walk to work or it has to be on a bus route that is easy to get to. 

I have a good driving record. I successfully drove across to the east coast and back to the west. If someone had a car and needed me to drive them around, I could do this. I have no criminal record, I have high morals and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. The best and worst quality about me is my honesty. I'm very honest, but not everyone always wants an honest answer.

"What is my skill set?" you might wonder.

I'm skilled at taking care of people, animals, houses, etc. I was a nanny for 17 years and I raised my daughter for the last 14. That's 31 years in total of taking care of people. I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, I do laundry, I mow lawns, I buy groceries, I drive people where they need to be, and I clean a whole lot of poop. Literally and emotionally. I'm a good conversationalist, I don't watch much TV. I write poetry and love to go hiking. I love to listen to music and love to swim.

I'm not materialistic. I would rather have experiences than things. I don't smoke or drink. I have never been interested in being in an altered state and I am not all that adventurous. I don't mind new experiences, but I am mostly content with living a simple and calm life. 

While I sometimes need someone to help coax me into new experiences, I am what some would call a "freak". I have weird beliefs and put a lot of myself and my growth experiences out there for anyone to read should they want to. This can seem quite risky and dangerous to those not used to revealing much about their inner world. And, the thing is, I don't want to have to hide this about myself for a job. I want to be accepted openly for my weirdness and all the other assets I bring to the table. I want a job where I can be me openly and you can be you openly and maybe we will even become great friends.

I don't want to be an indentured slave anymore. I want to be paid for the things I do. I want someone who will appreciate what I do and would never refer to it as me "doing nothing all day". I want a living wage where I can gain my independence and live on my own comfortably and not just paycheck to paycheck. I want to laugh a lot and love my life.

Maybe you are someone who needs what I have to offer and can monetarily compensate for what I can do for you. I'd be willing to relocate if necessary, but I really do love Oregon very much, so if you live in Oregon, too, that would be most excellent.

Dear Universe, 

This is me asking for for help. This is me saying, I need a job so I can save my dog but also live an independent and happy life. Please send me an opportunity that is perfect for me.

Love,

Oktobre

The Virgin's Revenge Part Two

Collage art by muminalab (IG)

In-between Communication: May 4, 2020

"She's about to lose everything and she's going to fight back." I was seeing AG "She sees you as a threat to her security."

Caravaggio's Medusa & Janet Leigh in Psycho Collage by Luigi Tarini

Dream Journal Excerpt: November 20, 2019

At one point I saw her turn into Medusa and thought "she turns people to stone." 

Art by Dung Ho

Dream Journal Excerpt: February 27, 2019 

Just before I woke I heard, "He sacrificed her for you." I then saw a sword stab and go through all the pages of an open book. I couldn't tell you what kind of book it was, just that it was thick and had calligraphy style writing on it. And at that point I heard, "Mary, a boy child will to be born to you..." 

Comments:

Birth of a son is not always a physical birth of a baby boy.

Sometimes the birth of a son (sun/masculine) is allowing energy inside our fully formed human vehicles so it can merge with our own and is for the highest good of all. It transforms us entirely and we are born anew.  

The Virgin's Revenge

Collage art by Beto Val (elbetoval on IG)

In-between Communication: March 15, 2022

I heard, "Get ready for the virgin's revenge."

Bands of Support

Photo art by MILOŠ SIMIĆ

I've deliberately been trying to forget my dreams. I haven't been in a mood to write them as much, but sometimes I hear and see things that keep rattling through my brain.

This morning I heard, "Allow Spirit to flow through you."

My response to that was "Fuck you, I've let Spirit guide me all this time and it has gotten me no where."

I still remember something I saw on a different morning. I saw an image of my hernia band. At the time, I thought it odd and tried to decipher the symbolism. I thought, "A band of support." 

That alone didn't mean much at the time until I was having a conversation in chat where someone brought up the possibility of Keanu Reeves having a conservatorship placed upon him like Britney Spears did. I told the person that I had brought the idea up before, but no one responded. We both agreed that if Keanu was under a conservatorship, it would explain a lot of the odd things that have been taking place. We also both agreed that if he came forward and spoke out about what was happening to him, that fans and the general public would band together to support him until he has control of his own life again....a band of support like the image I saw.

Here's the thing, Keanu, we tried it your way and it just hasn't been working. Maybe the Universe is trying to get you to put your pride aside, ask for help and tell the truth out in the open for everyone to hear. Maybe it is time to do that thing you are so afraid of so that you can finally be free. I don't know how long the conservatorship has been in place, but I know that something happened to you after a vaccine. That's what I heard in the in-between, remember?

January 22, 2020

They just showed me Irina, a fb friend. I was trying to figure out why and then heard....

They want me to tell you (Keanu), "A vaccination did this to you. It jumbled your brain."

Irina is someone who suffered vaccine damage after getting the HPV vaccine. She suffered debilitating problems afterwards. She isn't the first person I have heard this from. 

Then there was this bit:

August 27, 2021

I looked in a mirror and I was surprised by how I looked just like Britney Spears. I then heard,

"He sees himself as being like Britney Spears."

I dream from within you and see through your eyes. You know this. I asked myself, "Why does he see himself like Britney?" The only thing that makes sense is having a conservatorship placed upon you as well.

I once heard:

December 6, 2019

Just before I woke I was seeing a bear with a black and white bull's-eye on him. It seemed like he was going to speak but didn't. I then heard, "They are forcing me not to speak to you." I replied, "There is no "forcing" there is only choice. It is a choice to be obedient and not speak to me. It is a choice to do as they wish."

I didn't understand it at the time, but if a conservatorship is in place, I guess it makes a lot of sense because they have complete control over your life, just like Britney's father did over hers.

I guess this is me letting Spirit flow through me, because here I am, still, despite my best efforts to let it all go due to frustration and feeling like it was going nowhere fast. 

I'm still here and I still want to help even though I know one of my lessons has been not to take on shit that isn't mine. Why else would I be given all of this information for you, about you, if I wasn't meant to somehow help?

Based on what Spirit has shown me, I now believe fully that you have been placed under a conservatorship. Trying to damage your image hasn't worked. Saying shocking things in interviews hasn't helped. I am convinced that the only thing that will help is stepping forward, asking for help and hiring a lawyer to get your life back from whomever has the control.

What are you waiting for? 

When you gain your freedom, we will finally be able to talk to each other unrestrained, without interference, and maybe even in the same room over coffee. Wouldn't that be amazing? 

My Boyfriend, David

Art by Rebecca Léveillé-Guay

Dream Journal Entry: March 19, 2022

I dreamed about being with Inara at home but it wasn't the home I am familiar with. We were listening to the music rather loud and there might have been a storm outside. Inara is saying that she thought she heard someone at the door. I was dubious and told her I hadn't heard anything. She said she had and went to open the door to see who it was. She announces, "It's your boyfriend, David." Oddly, it feels like I have never met him in person and this appearance was unexpected. 

I am now seeing images of him from before he arrived. I am seeing him very heavy initially, and then I am seeing him as very thin. I have a knowing this is about emotional weight in that he was initially emotionally heavy because he kept everything in, but now he had been able to release the weight. He looked part Asian and was smiling because he was happy to see me.

I remember being intimate with him on the stairs, at first, and then thinking maybe we should go somewhere more comfortable.

I just remembered a bit where I heard him say, "I don't want to keep you stalled."

Inside Out

I dream from within others.

I've mentioned it before. I get a glimpse of their inner worlds, which says pretty much everything about who they really are as people or where they are currently at in those moments. All the stuff that people try to hide, I see. I don't always know who I am dreaming within, but sometimes it is obvious. 

It all has to do with whose energy I am connecting to at any given time. Last night's inner world I saw was vastly different from the inner world I saw on the previous night. Last night was filled with me trying to dodge catastrophe. An avalanche of stones were crumbling and falling on the population below. Everyone was running for cover. At times, it felt like some sort of race I was navigating and there were many points in which it felt like I wouldn't be able to get through, but did. Near the end, there was a small red room up high in which I am being told by the man with me that River used to live there but he was dead now. I remarked what a small room it was and how uncomfortable it must have been for him to live in such a small space. The man with me was carrying my baby, but loosely and there was danger of the baby falling from the heights we were at and dying. I got nervous and told him to hold onto the baby tighter so that he didn't fall. I told him if he let my baby die, I would kill him.

Illustration by Kay Nielsen, Words added by me.

The thing is, so often and with so many people I've been friends with, I have accepted that tiny room in their lives. Red is root chakra and often having to do with matters of survival. People often only come to me when they need me, they need my calm, they need me to lean on, they need a crutch and a supportive voice to cheer them on. When their world is falling apart, I'm the one people come to. 

The dream was showing someone who was experiencing chaos and crisis. There were repeated struggles and parts they didn't think they could get through. The "race" didn't have to be so difficult and, at times, it felt like the difficulty level was deliberate as a sort of testing. We have all experienced people who want to test us endlessly because of their own insecurities and trust issues.

Each of us as individuals are responsible for our own inner world. We are also responsible for who we invite into that inner space through connecting to their energy, so the wise person will be very discerning about who they connect with.

By KENXY (Kenji Takahashi) at DeviantArt

I'm guilty of allowing people to put me in a tiny red room like a fire alarm or axe labeled "in case of Emergency". I've allowed it because, in my warped sense of love, being needed felt like love. All being needed is is one half of codependency. I liked helping and taking care of people...to a fault, to a point it was detrimental to me and I am always in a loop of giving way more than I am receiving. I'm used to operating on emotional gas fumes, but it isn't a healthy place to be. When there wasn't someone needing me, I felt lost and without purpose. Being needed had become part of my identity.

Before I went to bed, I received a text from my ex BFF that said, "I miss you." I looked at the text without actually opening it and thought, "I can't respond to this right now." All kinds of thoughts were going through my head like, "You were the one who threw me away. You are always the one to end our friendship and I'm just supposed to accept you back like nothing happened." This has been the pattern.

In my mind, I believe the inner chaos I was seeing was hers because this is pretty much what she has been like during the 30 years I have known her. I don't hear from her for a long time and then, all of a sudden, she calls crying with a crisis. She also, like the first person POV in the dream, is the one to swiftly kill people off when they upset her, rather like they never meant anything to her. And people always accept her back, it's not just me she has this yo-yo pattern with. I guess that is her coping mechanism, which isn't very mature or healthy. If you actually love someone, wouldn't it be more productive to talk out the issues and work through them?

It's not that we shouldn't be there for people and care about each other. I think we should care about each other and want to give someone a boost when they are down. We all go through those low points. Thankfully, we don't all go through those low points at exactly the same time. We just need to be able to identify people who are vacuums, where the situation can easily become draining, codependent and unhealthy. We need to resist falling into those cycles...both of being the vacuum and being the over-giver kept in a tiny room up high in case of an emergency.

Art by Johfra Bosschart

The key is always balance, but becoming skilled at being able to recognize threats to our balance can also help us maintain it.

The Time Is Now

Rewriting the Script.

I share this dream for me because I believe the part about going into Laura's Aunt's house was me seeing from the perspective of someone stepping into my inner world and being overwhelmed by the beauty there. That's what I seek in a partner... someone who sees me like this dream...as so beautiful they never want to leave.

Dream Journal Entry: June 9, 2020

I dreamed about finding big dog shit just outside my door. That was dark colored. Then when I turned around and looked on the dresser where I placed my phone, sunglasses and things, there was a fresh pile of light colored dog shit on my phone that I was going to have to clean up. I couldn't believe the dog was able to get up there and take a crap but I never actually saw a dog.

I vaguely recall something about Kurt Cobain. At first he wasn't talking to me and then later he was. There were these tins of Campbell's tomato soup that were rigged to be batteries and they acted as lights. The lights were going out because the energy had run out. I tried to figure out how to make a battery out of a tomato soup can but I couldn't figure it out. I touched the top of the old "batteries" and they started to explode. As one started to spill it's contents, I gathered it up in the old green blanket it was spilling on so that the entire bed wasn't messed up. Kurt or someone said they thought that it was a clever idea to do that.

There was something about Inara really liking a pair of red plaid pants Kurt had and he said she could borrow them. He said he would be back through in 6 months and could always get them back then.

There were parts I seem to have lost that were about music and playfulness but I can't remember specifics.

Later, I dreamed about going with my friend, Laura G, to her aunt's house. There was a secret way in. I thought I would have trouble going through the opening but it was bigger than I expected and I was able to get in with ease. Once inside, I looked around and marveled at how pretty it was. The furnishings were antiques but in good condition. There were lots of products she had sitting about like sweet treats.

We were getting ready to leave and this tiny black woman with loose curly hair came out in pajamas. She was wondering what we were doing there. Laura let her know she was the niece of the woman who lived there. The black woman was following us out. I was looking at her and thought she was just so beautiful and I told her so. She wondered if I was being sincere. I assured her that I was, at which point she invited us back into the house. 

She was talking about how they really liked native American food here and was one of the products being offered. I perused the items on the shelves and thought they were all so lovely. I looked out the window and it was now light outside and I could see a magnificent mountain view. I gasped at how beautiful the view was and said that I could stay here forever. I moved to get a different angle of the view and could see the house was perched on the edge of a cliff alongside a great river. You could feel the wind moving the house slightly. I remember hoping that the house was secured to the cliff so there was no danger of a collapse to the rocks below.

I remember fiddling with some heart shaped sugar cookies on a mantle. I think I wrote on something like a business card and left it among the cookies for the Aunt to find when she came back. I don't remember much else.

Oh yeah, I forgot that it was mentioned that this house was known to be haunted...that spirits were known to come and go. I found this intriguing. There was a particular closet that looked more like a wardrobe that was said to be a haunted spot. Something was said about a stain on the wood that would just keep coming back no matter how many times they tried to clean the wood.

I also remember something about running and jumping through walls. Lynn was with me. She had taken off her outer shoes to reveal barefoot running shoes. I already had socks on that basically served the same purpose.

Rewriting a Love Story

Art by Gustav Klimt

My guides have said that something can happen faster if two people are imagining and wanting the same thing. 

Love and connection has been elusive for me my entire life.

I want to imagine it to make it happen faster, but I have no face, no name to imagine. I don't have enough information and facts and so I imagine nothing and nothing is what I have manifested. 

I don't want to imagine a life with someone who isn't willing to take action towards me and isn't willing to give as much as they take. That doesn't turn me on to imagine that. What kind of life would I have with someone who can't show up for me now? Why would they bother showing up for me in a relationship if they can't muster even a little bit now?

I can't imagine a life with someone who can't find it in themselves to be fully open and honest. That is what I bring to the table and that is what I want to experience in a partner.

I can't imagine a life with someone to whom I can't talk about the things that matter most to me. Being ridiculed and diminished for my beliefs really wouldn't foster a deeper connection. I've already experienced a lot of that and it just causes me to build my walls a little higher, a little thicker.

It's all great and fine to have inner masculine and feminine union, but where is that outer manifestation of it? I thought the outer would follow and it hasn't.

I don't date. I never really have.

I'm not going to go out to look because I don't think that's the way a deep connection will happen. I tend to think a friendship has to be the foundation and then trust has to be built on that.

Passion is lovely, but it's fleeting.

Dear Universe, I'm ready for real connection. Can you hurry up, please? I'm bored of waiting and my faith that it will ever happen is starting to wane.