Sunday, June 18, 2017

Sorting the Pieces, Same Game Two Colors



Uh oh. I am going to think out loud for you again. lol Get ready for this one because it should be an interesting ride.

I have been trying to sort out who these two people are in my triangle and how the fuck we ended up in here and, based on dreams, I have come to some strong possibilities. 

I believe one is often seen as my cousin/uncle and childhood friend. I think I came in here initially with him when I agreed to come in and do the job I came here for. It was an opportunity to "test our relationship" in the "Tunnel of Love" which is a program I helped develop. You see, I believe the Tunnel of Love not only tests a relationship, but forces the players to come to a point of understanding and forgiveness to help repair a relationship, hence why I said I felt like in my really real life I am both scientist and therapist in my last blog post.

The problem arose when my partner chose someone else. 

Dream Journal Entry: October 17, 2015  I stop at some place that sells motorcycles. Apparently they are a well known brand and some dude I think might be famous gets off his motorcycle and says something and goes off. And I am like, "Oh is this what we call your cameo?" Because that is what it felt like...when some famous person comes on and has a cameo and disappears. There was something about someone getting a rubbing from the emblem of the motorcycle brand. The scene changes a bit and I am seeing Nuno. There was a scene prior but it is vague. Were we at a wedding? I don't know. I am saying goodbye to Nuno and I am flipping him off saying "fuck you!" And he is like, "I want to stay in touch with you." I was like "Fuck you. You chose her over me. There is nothing to stay for so fuck you." I am coloring with a pink crayon. I think it might be a barrel? Maybe a vase? I just remember coloring rather hard. I wasn't trying to make it look more realistic and just made it solid pink. Nuno says that he wants to see what I made and I am like "sure," and I throw at him the things I colored and walked away. I remember seeing kennels with iron cages and dogs inside.There was a whole part where there was a game being played but I can't remember details.

Comments: So what is a girl to do when her partner's free will choices lead her to being stranded and left living like a caged dog? You see, in order to leave the Tunnel of Love, I need a partner. But more than that, I have important work to do in here that wasn't going to get done because of a free will choice he made. I was in a pickle. I once had my TV turn off during a specific scene while I was watching Philadelphia Story. It was the scene in which Cary Grant's character was at the door to surprise his ex-wife. During that time I was having a lot of "spirit" activity, so I knew to take special note of this even though I had no understanding of what it meant. In dreams I am often hostile toward the husband character who fades in and out between my brother and husband. My brother's name is Thomas. Apparently I believe the husband cheated on me and left me bankrupt.


Dream Journal Entry: June 16, 2015 The first set of dreams are hard to hold onto. It feels like some sort of battle is being fought and we are moving up. Brad Pitt seems to be a main character. We both are climbing our way to the top. At the top it seems like he is with the wrong person and someone closes him off in a room with me so we can find our way back to each other in this life. I see myself tossing furniture of some sort and it stacks amazingly well. It seems to be a skill I have. Brad seems to go off somewhere and I am left with what I consider my "brother" although I he didn't have the face of one of my brothers here in this reality. I lay back and had sex with this brother and my body responded and I had an orgasm. I started to rouse a bit and thought "here we go again" and feeling confused because I don't really know what the purpose is of that element in dream time or my reality. I lay there in a half asleep state and eventually fell back to sleep where I had another dream. 


Dream Journal Entry: September 27, 2015 I leave to go to my car and I notice a band playing down near another business in the parking lot. They sound good. I see either a cello or stand up bass and think it is an unusual instrument to see in a band. One of the guys eyes me and runs up the hill to where I am getting in my parked car. He wants me to come down the hill and pass around this yellow hat to the audience to collect tips. I say, "no thank you" and have some awareness that it might simply be a ruse to talk to me. But then I am also thinking that I don't have any cash to contribute myself and say so. A guy with him takes out a 20 and a 5 and hands it to me to put in the hat. The bills were crisp and new. But then there was something about the key to my car being broken. Actually there were two keys and both were broken but one had actually broken off in the ignition so you no longer had to have the key to start it and i thought "oh so that is how the car got stolen but it doesn't explain how he got it back so easily." and the scene jumps and I am with some guy who is supposedly my husband and we are having a heated discussion about the car and I think there is something fishy going on with the broken keys. I am very angry at him and I suspect the car being "stolen" was about money he owed. I am seeing a small child we have together. I see him reach for something and ask him what he is doing. I grab it and he had pulled some zip like the zip on a paper envelope and these spiraled paper coins fall out. I pull what should have been a financial portfolio book out (are those real?) and it is just pretend. There is nothing inside except​ a couple pieces of paper fall out that I pick up. One is shaped like a gravestone and the other like a bird. The gravestone one had things written on it. It seemed like a name and a list of their wishes for an epitaph on their headstones. The top of this list said "family" and the only two names I could make out was my mom's and my cousin's. There were other names. I actually think there was another sheet like this only it was non-family and I didn't care about that one. The piece of paper that seemed to be shaped like a bird had been signed, like people had said nice things to him or something and I am getting images it was from co-workers in a hospital. I ripped it up in front of him and let it fall to the floor. I was so angry at him. I think I have in my head he has been cheating too. So not only had he squandered all of our money and left us deeply in debt, he had been sleeping with someone else. I am so angry. I scream at him to get out and leave. I don't want to see his face anymore. I think I woke around there.

Comments: So this is highlighting to me what needs to be worked on if I am to allow my "husband/brother" to help me out in here. The interesting part about this is that Infidelity has been a huge theme in my life...almost as if it was trying to teach me something. I have been surrounded by infidelity in my life and I have been very judgmental and rigid about it. I had a lot of loathing for the cheater...until I found myself in a situation where I was considering going down that path myself. It was only then that I could stop being so judgemental about it and try to understand where a person's head is at when they make those choices. It usually isn't black and white. Infidelity is usually a symptom of a bigger problem. It can be a problem with the relationship or the individual.

I truly believe​ that certain patterns will appear to try to teach us about who we have been out there. For instance, I have noticed a strong pattern of me being available for people anytime they need me, but I have not gotten the same in return. I can go, "woe is me" or think "Fuck! That is how I have made my partner feel out there....like I am not available when they need me, but they are always there for me." So if you take this into consideration, is it any wonder that my partner might have sought someone else who would make time for him when he needed someone? And this is where you say, "Karma!" And I say, "Not really." It is more like walking a mile in their shoes to understand how they have felt. That isn't really Karma. It is teaching empathy and understanding. But you can't really learn empathy from your experiences and patterns unless you understand that what you are experiencing is because you yourself have been this way. You will continue to have a pity party and wonder "Why me, Lord?" Lol Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at your pain but there is a whole lot of folks in here who struggle to take full responsibility for the things that show up in their lives. We all step inside for various reasons and experiences, but if you stepped into the "Tunnel of Love," you need to take note of your patterns to make amends if you have been an asshole like me.

Onto the clues of the two and how to identify them. I know that they are basically the same game so there are going to be some uncanny similarities present. But there will be some definite differences too. One game was shown as red and the other yellow. Those two colors help to identify them in dreams. One is very tall and one is small. Lions and cats are a symbol of the small one and wolves and ravens are a symbol of the tall one. One time they showed up as me wearing two different shoes only they looked very similar. I was determined to find a match to one of the shoes so stepping forward didn't feel strange. One is very funny and silly and the other is very sweet and kind. One is linked to Italy references and the other is linked to Greece (think Iliad).  One is Christmas and the other Halloween.

So what happens next? Who do I choose? Let's be honest, free will could still fuck me up the ass here. I want out of this game, so I will do whatever I must to complete the work I came in for and then leave. I can't do it alone. I need help. I need one of them to be brave enough to step forward and help me. I'm not eager for some fictitious fantasy romantic relationship. I want to get started on the work I am meant to do with one of them and then I want to go home.

I'm laughing as I bring this post to a close because I can't imagine why anyone would actually read all the way through. My "friends" are unavailable, so I talk to myself here.  If you make it all the way through, congratulations. Lol