I say the title of this blog to myself almost daily.
Most days have me turning all the information I have been given over and over and around and around to try to understand it. How many times have I combed through my dreams, signs and syncs?
It is confusing as fuck.
Just when I think I understand, I get thrown a monkey wrench and I have to concede that I don't fucking know anything. FUCK!
Sometimes I think I am on the verge but I am just unsure of myself and waffle.
Let me think out loud for you.
I know this is a game, a virtual reality, and, apparently, I am the ultimate gamer. I can't stop trying to figure this shit out and trying to make it to the next level until I can complete it and get out of here. Nevermind that I have a bucket on my head and I keep banging my head on the maze wall, eventually I will make it out of here if I don't give up.
One thing I am fairly certain of is that the portion of the game I am in, I helped create. In a dream it was seen as something like a Tunnel of Love at an amusement park, the only difference is there were two tunnels....the Tunnel of Love and the Tunnel of Certain Death. lol
Dream Journal Entry: March 29, 2017 I was dreaming about a game... Actually there were lots of them going on at once. Apparently one of my daughters thought it would be fun to mess with my game I had created and changed it a bit. She left her signature and illustrations to say "Mom, I have made your game more interesting. Come home now, love, Annabelle" I thought the illustrations were amusing. In some sections there were races. In another section there are spectators all watching. I made my way up to this one section that had two tunnels and it was meant to test your relationship to see if it would last. She had changed the right tunnel so that everyone met with a grizzly end if they chose to enter. The left one was designed so that at one end a person stood and projected their love for the other in and guided them through. You have to trust your partner to guide you. But Annabelle had changed the parameters to make it more difficult and something was going wrong with the readings on the computer. They were going to have to fix it. Meanwhile she and her partner were in the "tunnel of love" trying to navigate through the game. That is where I woke.
Dream Journal Entry: August 11, 2014 There was another part of a dream about going inside a tunnel. It is foggy. I can't remember the circumstances around the tunnel. But what it reminded me of was a giant drain pipe. There was no train in the tunnel. I want to say I went in on a bike and like there were two tunnels. I was thinking more in terms of wormholes.
There was a man...just now while I dreamed. He seemed to kind of like me. All these people came in the room. I already had a lit cigarette ( I don't actually smoke) and ended up lighting a second from a different pack and took a puff. People pointed out that I now I had two. And I was like, yeah, so I do. I mentioned something about being sleepy and I couldn't wake up. That I was not awake enough yet to be smoking and I put the first cigarette out and handed the second to the guy who I had been flirting with and he had been flirting back. I remember touching him on my way out and him touching me. It was obvious we liked each other but all of these people were around. And then I started to wake.
Comments: I think the theme of being so sleepy I can't see or hear clearly is me trying to wake from my amnesia. I want to remember but I feel clouded. The cigarettes, I think, represent two people. The first one I start to smoke but then put out but keep the second lit and give it to the guy I am into. See, what I didn't point out about the two cigarettes is that the first that I was smoking was a normal size. The second I lit up was thinner than normal and considered feminine, a girlie cigarette. When I put out my cigarette, the first one, at first I was trying to put out the tip to save it for later, but in my sleepy stupor I was having trouble putting it out. I basically crumpled it into the tray but it was still smoldering so I set the tray on the floor away from everything so it didn't get knocked over and start a fire.
"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Harry Potter #2)
So let's assume I came in here with a partner. Oh, but wait. No. There are two because I am shown over and over a triangle in dreams. Not only are there two but they are shown as basically the same game, two different colors.
Dream Journal Entry: December 9, 2014 There was another part where I had pulled up to a gas station. I think someone was with me...a female. I went inside and was asking the gas station attendant for cigarettes. He thought he had given them to me but he hadn't. He had to fiddle with the thing on the high up shelf they were on and finally produces a pack. Instead of leaving, I find myself playing some hand-held game they had there and I remember writing something in at the end about liking both Jimmy and Tom....thinking they were both attractive. Jimmy was there with the games and Tom was the gas station attendant who had given me my cigarettes. I hand the game over knowing they would be able to see what I wrote eventually. There was two newer versions of the the game....one in red and one in yellow and Jimmy was comparing the red and yellow games to make sure both had all the same bits like controllers and whatnot. Then it seems a group of us had to all hide in the back room because someone was coming in who shouldn't see us there. The back room seemed like a bedroom and had a bed. Jimmy was the only one who stayed out front. I heard something about babies and a warning but I can't remember specifically what was said. I woke up there.
Dream Journal Entry: May 13, 2017 I heard someone say in my dream last night that Deryck was way behind in the race.
Comments: The race reference triggered a curious bit of dream I remember (but can't find right now) where I saw two riders on bikes and both had threes on their backs. One was seen pulling ahead of the other.
In a different dream I am faced with someone I know only to discover that the character I have gotten to know is not the original person I met and thought he was. It felt like when they replace an actor in a soap opera but kept the same character in play. I knew this other one better but he wasn't who I thought he was and there were those who wanted to keep me from the original. I don't think it is malicious. It is just gaming strategy to make it harder to achieve the end goal.
I think I have figured out that there are two different voices trying to guide me while I am in the tunnel which is why I am getting conflicting information about each at different times in dreams. I have heard the word "Iliad" in my dreams and have had signs and syncs about this being a story about two guys competing for one girl.
"But aren't dreams all subconscious? Surely you can't be lied to in dreams by your subconscious, right?" you might be thinking.
The answer is definitely dreams are far from all subconscious. If they are your tool of choice for guidance in the game and you have two competing people, guidance is going to get confusing as fuck and you will be cursing daily like me. lol And I have only just understood this today. Sometimes one character is shown in a negative light and then on other occasions, the other one is shown as less than savory. Am I being lied to? No, I don't think it is lies but strategy and the perspective of the competing person. I see what they perceive the other person to be but see it in a way where it is being acted out in dream time.
I was getting these race/competition references and in my waking state it feels like I was the only one working for contact with anyone and doing all the heavy lifting. When I finally understood that the race was taking place while I slept, it all made a lot more sense.
There is still a lot I don't understand that isn't clear to me, but at least the water isn't quite as murky as it had been. I still have no real idea who I am over there in the really real world but I have some pretty good guesses about aspects of who I am. When I think of myself, I see me as a tattooed, blue haired, bad-ass scientist/therapist drinking "the nectar of the gods" (aka coffee) who helped to develop this program we are all in.
Our amnesia that is put in place to help us really get into character in the game caused us to forget it isn't real and forget why we were even here. We have developed Stockholm syndrome for the game. We love Gaia and all of her creatures because we believe they are real. All the while our love and concern for a place that is all 1111s and 00000s. We fell in love with the illusion. Choosing our real life is hard because it requires a lot of hard work and letting go of the illusions we have grown so attached to.
I'm not saying go out and be a monster now because our choices in here DO matter. I'm not saying go out and kick a puppy because it isn't real. I am saying detach enough so that you can discover who you really are at the core and can choose your real life over the illusion. When enough people choose their real life, the veil drops and we all wake up and go home.
No matter how frustrated I get with trying to figure it all out, I often tell my friends that I am a salmon. A salmon swims up stream against the current. It is a long and difficult journey. They become battered by the rocks and by the time many of them reach the spawning grounds, they have lost much of their color and turned white. After they do what they need to do at the spawning grounds, they die. Some salmon never reach their destination. Some die trying.
I will just keep swimming until I get there or die trying.
As Dory likes to sing, "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!"