Plateaus and Love Letters

Art by at pom

I think I have hit a plateau on my spiritual journey. It isn't that I don't still have things to learn, as I don't believe we ever finish having opportunities to learn about ourselves, it's just I am at a point where I think my biggest lessons have been achieved.

I have climbed mountains on my journey back to self and I have changed completely. I am not the same person I used to be when I started all of this. I am so much better now. I am so much more balanced and secure in who I am now.

When I started all of this, falling in love with myself seemed like an impossible task that I had no idea how I would achieve, and yet somehow I did achieve it. I followed the guidance and here I am nearly nine years later and I can honestly say I am in love with me. I like the person I have become. I enjoy spending time with her.

But lately, I don't feel like the mad scientist trying to feverishly figure things out and processing it all in front of everyone who cares to read about it here. It's not that I have either of my puzzles completed. I don't. It's that it doesn't seem to matter all that much to me anymore. I don't know when the shift happened or why.

The dreams I share here now are more for the sake of a single person so that he can read it because my dreams are often for both me and him. I hope the dreams I share offers him guidance for his own journey of self discovery and back to self love.

The situation with the one who I reserve the top spot in my heart space for is complicated. And so I think I may use my blog as a place to write love letters to him.

Expressing my love for him and all that I want to say is just as much a part of my journey as all of the rest of it. Opening my heart to love and be loved has been quite a huge accomplishment for me. My heart was once very dead and closed off. I am open and giving now.

My soul partner is at the forefront of all of my thoughts. There are very few moments in my day where I am not thinking of him in some way. He is my muse canoe. He is my inspiration to create and express through prose and images.

Art by Mark Loeher

Dear Soul Partner,

Thank you for the poems and song lyrics you shared with me. They mean the world to me. It's the little things that mean so much to me and they certainly gave me a lot of pleasure. They are the sustenance that helps me gently unfurl my petals one by one. I was astonished to discover how much it fills a person up with joy to receive such tokens of love. I have never been given them by a living person before. I love you. 💙

Dream: Moving Into a Heart Space, Going Home

Photo by William Helburn, 1957

Dream Journal Entry: January 17, 2020

So many dreams last night. I kept dreaming of being somewhere that I was being held against my will. I kept trying to escape this place. I would make it out of the place, wake up out of the dream and then go back to sleep and go through it all over again in different ways. At least three different times I was being held against my will. It feels prison-like and I would make my escape to the outside away from it. Sometimes "enforcement" would see me but I am being helped and I would always find my way out and away from this place.

I considered, when I woke at one point, that maybe this was showing me someone who is a prisoner in their own mind escaping the prison inside their mind.

Later, I dreamed again about the apartment I was moving into where George is the landlord and he had been holding the space for me.

In this set of dreams, I actually moved into the space. Again, the apartment is at the top of building and is the best space in the building. This time all of my things have been moved in but apparently this other person I have to share the space with has unpacked all of my stuff for me which I find a little annoying. I identify her as my old friend, Jenny Marshall, who I haven't actually spent time with since we were both in our 20s. She has already placed all the furniture for me. I didn't love the placement and noticed some antique wood desk type thing in the front window. On closer inspection, it looked like it was a sewing station but could double as a writing desk.

I told Jenny I didn't like that it was blocking the best window and wondered if we could maybe move it. Jenny got really upset about it and I conceded that it was fine where it was. I hadn't realized she was going to be here too and it left us both with not a lot of space. I had with me Inara and my dog so my things took up a significant amount of space. Most of the stuff in the space belonged to me.  I noticed my king sized bed had been brought in and jenny had a twin sized bed on the opposite side. I was curious how they were able to get my large bed and heavy furniture inside. I asked if they had to bring it through other people's apartments and they said they had.

There was a communal living area for everyone who lived there. Some of my stuff had been brought into the space, one item being a very large green couch. Some of my clean laundry was being folded and sorted there. Some people were complaining about the crowding and things changing. I apologized but stated it was always planned that I would be moving back to this place and explained that I had lived there in the same space a long time ago before any of them. They would have to adjust and get used to it.

I decided to go out and explore. The street the building was on was really quiet but it wasn't far from the college campus. Apparently there was something going on at the campus...a farmers market and music at the center. I chatted with some of the people of the community and then went back to my apartment. I was feeling really happy to be back here. It had been a very long time since I had been home and I wondered why I had stayed away so long because I really liked it here now.

I met some of the residents outside my apartment building. One of them I recognize from my past and mention that we met a long time ago and I told them I met them through Shannon, my ex BFF. Once again, I mentioned that I had lived in the same location a long time ago but I have come back to stay. I noticed some foot and handprints in the concrete on the sidewalk in front of the building.

Inside in the communal space, I talked to more of the residents. One woman had a baby and I offered to help her with the baby sometimes if she needed. I told her I know what it is like to need help sometimes. She asked about payment and I told her the only payment I wanted was her to be willing to help me with Inara when I needed it.

Some cat was scratching to get in and I assumed it belonged to someone who lived there so automatically went to the door to let it in and the cat immediately attacked me. I think it was an orange fat cat and it wouldn't stop trying to bite me. When I discovered it didn't even belong to anyone there, I moved to put it back outside and asked if someone could help me with it.

I went back up stairs to my apartment and noticed that there were 4 styrofoam squares attached to a wall. They were the same as the imprints out on the sidewalk and considered they were used to make the prints in the concrete. One was a snow shovel print, one was a woman's shoe print, one was a man's shoe print and one was a hand print. My large heavy dresser had been nailed to the wall next to them. It was elevated and the feet were not on the floor. I asked Jenny about it and why she did it that way. She got defensive about it.

I think there were some people who came into the space we had been talking to earlier down stairs. We quickly developed a friendly relationship and Jenny was getting upset that everyone seemed to love me. She made some remark about feeling very dim and invisible next to me. I saw myself as being illuminated with light all around me and people being drawn to me because they could sense it. Jenny was very jealous of it, said something negative about it and then went away by herself. I felt mildly annoyed with having to be faced with this kind of situation again. I remembered I had experienced something similar with friends in the past.

I remember talking to someone about how I was going to go out the next day to find a job but I didn't have concern that I would have any trouble finding a job.

What took place with my new/old apartment was actually two or three dreams together. I would wake up and go back to sleep into the same dream.

Art by Robert Jahns

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It's always our self we find in the sea."

e.e. cummings

Dream: Dormant Volcanos

Photo by Laura Makabresku

Dream Journal Entry: December 11, 2019
I dreamed that all of these people were camping out in lavish tents in the mouth of a dormant volcano. They were all dotted around the edge too. I considered that they will all be annihilated when the volcano blows. The volcanos that have been dormant for a long time are the deadliest. I had this knowing that it was about to erupt. This could be seen as someone who keeps everything they feel inside until it exploded and erupts and taking out anyone nearby.

Later I heard something about "he gave you one of his pimples." I considered this meant he gave me a festering eruption.... something clogged that lingers under the skin and builds up until it pops. You never know when and where it pops and it could happen in a place and time you least expect. This could represent unpleasant and unkind communication that is released on someone who wasn't the cause of the build up, they just happened to be there when it erupted on them.

Later, there was something about some women staying at my house. In my dream, my house was kind of dirty and gross and I apologized for the state of it. There was a scene about cats fighting. Apparently I collect cats (females) in the dream. Stray ones come in and I take them in. Now there were quite a few and some new ones that just showed up are fighting the ones I have had for a while and hurting them. The women that had stayed over had some concerns about the cats who had gotten hurt the most. I can't remember what actions I took in that situation.

The women were going to stay another night and I was trying to prepare something to eat but I didn't have much other than British canned beans in little purple bowls. I vaguely remember laying in the grass with these women having dialogue but I can't remember the exchange.

In another scene, it feels like I am on a college campus. Apparently it is in Kansas City and I am rarely here. I see someone I recognize and had just spent time with. We greet each other warmly and she ends up giving me some reading. She looks sort of Irish with long reddish hair and pale skin. She was talking about Kurt Cobain and how he loves me very much. I said I loved him too, very much.

She went on to say that I had to divorce River so that I could be with Kurt. I knew she was right but thought I already had. I guess there was something else I needed to do to make it official. She is showing me something on a chart in red...an angry face, I think, but I can't remember what she said about it. I then see her suddenly burst into tears. I said, "You are feeling him, aren't you?" She nodded saying, "There is so much sadness." I said, "I know, I feel it too." The woman is still sobbing and just has to step away because the feelings are overwhelming her.

Photo by Laura Makabresku

I then see a black woman with long hair who is also sobbing. She is going up a ramp and heading for a door. I wondered if she was also feeling what the psychic woman was feeling. Maybe the sadness was spreading and others were feeling it too. I feel concerned and asked her if there was anything I could do. I wanted to comfort her. She indicated it was okay if I came to talk to her. I moved to the left to find the walkway to make my way up to her, but on the way, there are a group of guys blocking the path and listening to loud music. I asked them what they had done or said to her to make her cry. One of them said, "We didn't say anything to the nun that should have upset her." But I didn't believe them and went to give her comfort.

Some woman comes up to me and gives me a bunch of money, says she had used what she needed and had all of this extra money left over. She wanted to give it to me because she thought I probably needed it. It looked foreign, like British money because the notes were bigger than American money. Some was colorful and some was black and white. I put the huge wad of cash in my front, left shirt pocket. I held onto it and felt reluctant to use any of it. The women who had stayed a night were staying a second night. I was serving beans again but one wondered if maybe I could order Bellagio's pizza and have it delivered. I don't know why I hesitated but decided I could probably do that since I had just been given all of this cash. This seems to be about wealth... being handed wealth freely either through kindness or information offered. Food is about what we take in to nourish our souls. Bellagio is Italian whose flag is red, white and green which is also the traditional colors of Christmas. To me, Italian food represents food that it is grounded in spirituality and heart.

Now there is a scene and I am in a kitchen with people. I want to say it was with one of the women who had stayed over and her parents. I was talking to the woman while some food was being prepared. I sat on something for a minute. I stood up and looked and it was a yellow largish toaster oven. I think I might have damaged it a bit and felt bad. Yellow is the color of support and action. Somehow I had damaged support, action and heat meant to cook food... emotional support and nourishment. I hoped the dent would easily pop out and it would still work.

I was trying to help clean up and ended up accidentally almost throwing away some TV dinners on the counter. I was able to save most of it. I remember throwing away some of the tough parts of broccoli that usually get cut off. Broccoli is green which is the color of the outer heart chakra and this could represent cutting off the tough parts of the heart that doesn't allow us to to feel as much as we want to.

Operation End Slavery, Stockholm Syndrome

Photo by Daniel Anhut

I'm freaking out inside a little.
My heart is pounding faster than usual ever since I fell down a rabbit hole today.

Memories came flooding in and pieces I have gathered came together quickly. It took my breath away and I feel on the verge of crying.

I researched the Cartier Love Bracelet because of some copyright suit against Alexandra Grant. I wanted to see what a Love Bracelet looked like. When I saw it, I felt sick...like I was going to throw up because it repulsed me and I thought, "That is no symbol of love, that is a symbol of slavery".

Instinctively, I knew that bracelet was based on an old design for slaves where the bracelets were mostly permanent. I remembered how the design I wore as an Egyptian slave girl had a strong chain from the bracelet to a ring worn on the middle finger to keep it from clanging around when doing work. The purpose was so that the ring could be attached to a pole to keep slaves from running away.

These are no trinkets of love. They are insidious and are a symbol of keeping someone against their will. It is vile and disgusting that we buy them, hand them out, and attach them to people we supposedly love as decorations!!

The Ring of O is a known sex slave symbol and even more disgusting to me. It was bad enough to be a slave but even worse to have our bodies violated against our will and some of you think this is "fun" and "consensual". Your minds are so warped that you have no understanding the degradation and self-hate involved in these acts. You are reenacting your own torture and have come to believe you like it.

I once heard in an in-between state that my mission here is called "Operation End Slavery", but I thought it was more about ending greed and consumerism. I didn't realize it was also related to the sex slavery from former lives being repeated over and over.

And since I dream from within others, I can't say for sure I was even the slave whose past life trauma is playing out over and over in each life. I tend to think Keanu might be the slave and Alexandra his past life captor.

Any love he thought he felt for her is actually Stockholm Syndrome.

At one time, favorite Egyptian slaves were sacrificed so they could attend to their master's needs in the afterlife. Imagine repeating this cycle over and over until you can break free.

Dream Journal Entry: April 24, 2016 I started to rouse and drifted back to sleep and there was something about seeing bread and thinking I would be able to make better bread if I had the tools that I was used to but here in the new world we didn't have them. I am trying to figure out what tools would we not have? I was thinking maybe metal tools. I have no idea and I am not sure what was meant by "the new world". Because later when I see a girl dead and laid out on a slab that was elevated. She had black straight hair, bangs, cropped/bobbed hair and white face paint. Something was mentioned about the boy Pharaoh and facing the body east.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Excerpt: January 23, 2019 had this weird bit of dream where I had completed something. It felt like a class and now we were leaving this place. Amrik and I went to get documentation of completion. They took our left hand and gave us subdermal piercings. He had a single small silver bead-like thing put in the area where people typically wear wedding bands.  

And then the woman piercing me did a whole row of them along my knuckles and then below them  attached two pieces of steel shaped as smiles. When I made a fist it made two smilie faces. 

I noticed an indention appear on my middle left finger as though I had worn a ring there for a very long time. In real life I don't wear any rings. 

Dream Journal Excerpt: August 25, 2014 I had really strange dreams last night. The first that I remember was all about some guy who had, I guess, kind of held me against my will and would drug me to get me to stay and do things with him sexually. A guy came in (I think he looked like brad Pitt and was someone I knew) came in and rescued me. The dude who had held me against my will was going to inject the guy who was trying to save me but ended up injecting himself. It was weird because it was like I had Stockholm syndrome or something because I felt love and compassion for this guy and felt a little sad about leaving him.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Entry: August 3, 2015  The first dream, there was something about me being a police officer. There was someone trying to set a trap for me to try to kill me. I see a house with christmas lights and a christmas tree but I know about the trap and don't fall for it.
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Later I dreamed there was some dude and a girl he was holding captive along with me. I can't remember if she was the nanny or a family member from the house we were at. This guy murdered someone....a female i think. He wants to run so he doesn't get caught and she thinks she has to go with him because she thinks she will be implicated in the murder too for just knowing. The three of us were with him but the girl and I said we needed to go back to the house to get a few things and said we would meet him. I planned to call the police and turn the guy in and assured her that just knowing about the murder would not get her arrested. It felt almost like a Stockholm syndrome type of thing with him...like she just needed to get away from him to understand how she had been brainwashed. In the house I think I see the parents. It seems to be a large family. I see a "son" who looks remarkably like Nuno Bettencourt. I stopped and talked to him while I picked up food off the floor. There were bits of food everywhere but it was like junk food and I thought, geez, they need some healthier food. I can't really remember much else as I waited too long to write about it. Oh well.

Photo by Daniel Anhut

Dream Journal Entry: April 23, 1999 I had an interesting dream. I think Faith and I had been kidnapped by a group of guys and at first we were both scared. They had us tied up on some cliff or something like that and they were waiting for something to come...like we were an offering, a sacrifice of sorts. And a presence of some sort did come and it filled us with peace, contentment and love. It was an amazing feeling, like a rush. I remember staring up at the sky when the presence filled us. I think it filled us with knowledge as well. After this presence came, we were no longer afraid of our captors. They were like a cult or something...living underground and leading secret lives. We were traveling in what I think was a bus or RV of sorts. We came to some populated place and Faith and I took our belongings and wandered off away from the guys. I think we, at first, were going to try to escape. But later we felt a longing to be back with the group who had captured us, so we went back to find them. It took us a while but when we did, the bus was starting to leave and we begged them to stop saying we realized we wanted to be with them, that we missed them for the short time we had been separated. I think we did manage to get back on the bus and we promised we would never try to leave them again. There was one guy in particular I communicated with during the dream.  I think we had Stockholm Syndrome.

Rewriting the Script

"8 of Swords" by Catrin Welz-Stein

Dream Journal Entry: November 29, 2019 I dreamed of having some job working for a Chinese woman but the paychecks were all very small. It seemed I often just saved these little payouts until I accumulated enough to cash them in. Some guy finds one I had taped somewhere and I stated, "I forgot all about that one." I found other checks with small amounts elsewhere as well and put them all together to cash them in.  

Later, I am with my former employer, K, and and his grown son in a room. I think my current employer, the Chinese woman, is with me. I am talking about beers with the woman for some reason and stated that K knew much more about all of the varying flavors than I did. K heard us talking and came in to chime in. I notice he is bald now. I am slightly nervous about him being near. I am remembering we have had an affair and I am trying to remember if it was just here in the dream or if we had actually had an affair. It feels like just in here but I struggled to remember. It feels like it has been a long time since we have been intimate. K mentions Portrait of a Lady and I am wondering why he has mentioned this and I start to come out of the dream, at which point, I looked up the cliff notes. 

Oh yeah, I also heard something about "making him anatomically correct".

After having this dream, I searched "Portrait of a Lady" online. My eyes hadn't yet focused enough to read, so I opted instead to see if the movie was available on Amazon Prime. Sure enough, it was there as a free option to watch.

After having watched the film to refresh my memory, I felt annoyed by the ending. It wasn't clear what Isabel ended up doing, so I had to look up the cliff notes to find out.

Spoiler alert!

She goes back to Rome to be with her abusive husband and loveless marriage.

Okay, so Isabel made a terrible choice in a partner, but that shouldn't mean she should have to suffer it for the duration of her life or until he dies.

Why does she stay in her miserable situation?

Pride and fear of what others will think is her cage.

"Eight of Swords" from the Ostara Tarot by Krista Gibbard

There is no honor in sacrificing happiness for either of those reasons. Isabel would rather live a life of misery than admit her own mistakes publicly. In doing so, she puts herself in an "Eight of Swords" situation. She feels trapped like there is no escape and yet the only thing standing in her way is her own flawed perspective and beliefs. She holds the key and yet she chooses her cage rather than to fly free.

She had choice after choice and she chose badly.

When I was a child and would read book or watched a movie with an ending I didn't like, it would upset me tremendously and then I would set out to rewrite the script in my mind.

One of my favorite past times was to "make movies in my head" where I would imagine various scenarios with me as the lead character. When it came to unhappy endings, I would imagine a completely different, happy ending. Bambi's parents are still alive in my ending.

My parents took me to see an old Disney movie called "The Littlest Horse Thieves". Flash, the mine pony, saves the day but perishes due to ingrained conditioning and training. Instead of leaving the mine to experience freedom, he goes back to the stall he habitually went back to due to programming and he dies.

Freedom was possible but his slavery conditioned him and caused him to choose badly at the worst possible moment. After I watched that movie, I was inconsolable. I cried and cried and cried even though my family kept telling me it wasn't real and it was just a movie. It didn't matter. It hurt my heart so much that I imagined for months after Flash breaking free from his conditioning and making his way out of the mine safe and sound.

"Speechless" by Catrin Welz-Stein

So if I were to imagine a different ending for Isabel, I would imagine her taking back her own power. The best way to take back our power when there is information we are embarrassed might become public and subject to public scrutiny is to simply own it and reveal it ourselves. In my ending, she enlists her reporter friend to tell her story before anyone else can. When we open our closets, shine a light in the corners and share it before others do, we remove the negative charge and power that anyone might have to try to use it against us. Transparency and openness makes it impossible for anyone to ever have power over us. It is like in the movie, Labyrinth, when Sarah suddenly realizes that the only power Jareth ever had over her was her own fear, it freed her.

The public's problem with our personal choices is their problem if it doesn't actually impact them personally in anyway.

My brother used to say, "If you have a problem with that, then that's your fucking problem." And while it seems harsh, it is absolutely true. Your opinion of me is more of a reflection of you than it is of me. To base our decisions on what everyone else thinks means to always give our power away to someone else to decide for us how we live our lives.

In my ending, Isabel would step into who she she was meant to be had she not been derailed by scheming and dishonest people who only cared for her money. She would be more like Miss Elizabeth Bentley from Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice and choose her own happiness over public opinion. Isabel would joyfully ruffle feathers and shock her peers by divorcing her abusive husband. She would face her fears head on like she was a battering ram and public opinion simply a wall waiting to be dismantled by her. It is what she was made for...to travel paths others have not in order to make it easier for others to also choose happiness over conditioning and tradition.

"10 of Cups" by Catrin Welz-Stein

She would follow her heart and take risks if there was one she truly loved and felt a connection to on every level. She would answer the door to love when opportunity knocks. She would run to unconditional love instead of away from it and back into her stall to wait for certain death. Flash died a physical death in his movie, but there is a kind of death that is much worse than physical death. It is the internal death we sometimes experience when, bit by bit, we die inside until we become the walking dead. I was once a walking dead person and it is very unpleasant, indeed.

If our lives are headed in a direction of slowly dying inside, the most self loving thing we can do is to break away from the programming, the conditioning, the fear of what others think and choose to step out of our cages that have never actually been locked. We simply have to make heart centered choices based in love rather than out of fear and obligation.

Art by Catrin Welz-Stein

If you don't like the storyline currently playing out, rewrite your script. You hold the pen and get to decide.

Dreams: Spite from the Eye, Darkness Crucified

Art by IrenHorrors

Dream Journal Entry May 7, 2018 In a dream I was with a boy and during the dream I saw him get older. He was under my care but wasn't my biological son. I agreed to care for him. I looked at us both in the mirror. He is beautiful and he looks similar to me. Now he is an older teen and he looks more like a man now. I am in a large tiled bath tub and he disrobes and gets in. I don't know why he is doing this. There is another woman in the bath with me and she has let the baby's head go under water. I retrieve the baby and make sure she is still breathing and instruct the other woman not to let her go under water again. The man-child slides into the tub and I feel embarrassed to feel so attracted to him. There is a desire that stirs in me, but I feel conflicted. I have raised him as my own son. I love him deeply. He says something like, "Do you want me for yourself..."
I am thinking he knows I am attracted to him at first and then he continues, "...to destroy your enemies like the legend speaks of?"

Something is said about taking the spite from the eye and implanting it in the womb to create a being who would destroy their enemies. Anyone in possession of him could use him for this purpose. I had a sense that most people feared him and what he was meant for.

I touched him tenderly and lovingly and said, "You may not have been my creation, but I love you as my son. To me, you ARE my son. Just because that was the purpose doesn't mean that the story has to end that way. It can be rewritten if we both choose it. I love you. You are my son. I want you to have a life and many experiences." He said, "I guess your secret is out then." I asked him, "What secret is that? That I am more feeling and caring than people usually realize?" He smiles and said, "Yes, Mama." We embraced a loving embrace. I could feel myself tremble and I hoped he didn't notice. I had a sense that he could sense the stirring inside me that was desire mixed with motherly love. I think I could feel the same desire from him but neither of us acted on it in those moments. I wanted him to have a life and experiences and not be stuck with only knowing me.

Later I was at a travel agency and was buying a ticket to go home. I am flustered because I realize I already have bought a ticket. I am frustrated with my own forgetfulness. My son is trying to calm me and telling me it is okay. Then I consider that I need a ticket for him anyway so maybe I could just get the name changed to his instead of buying a new one. I remember seeing a note on blue paper from a travel agent. I couldn't make out what it said. I also remember the envelopes the plane tickets were in were red and white like the old TWA ones used to be. They felt old and used but the tickets inside were at least current. I remember seeing the clock said 4:11 and made note that our flight left at 5 something so we had to go right then to catch our flight.

Art by IrenHorrors

Dream Journal Entry: December 29, 2018 I was dreaming I am in a car and we are nearing an intersection and I can't seem to find the brake pedal in order to stop.

The scene jumps.. Someone is showing me what happened the night Brandon Lee died. I am seeing there is a group of guys who hate him for no real reason. He had some run in with them...an altercation of some sort and now Brandon has become their target. I am seeing how Brandon was arrested on some bogus charge but he is released. He has a run in with this group of guys again but I am seeing them in a restaurant and they are spitting in his food. It looks like pizza dough. They are taunting him.

Now I am being taken with this guy to another place. We are out of the car and down in a creek. It is shallow and we are walking through it. At first I see a German Shepard with us and later it is my little dog, Mahina. We make our way up to a location.

It feels familiar. It is a bridge. Mahina starts to growl and run, but I pick her up and carry her so she will be safe.

On the bridge Brandon himself shows up. He sees me and is so happy to see me. He is coming with us to show us the rest. He is taller than the guy I am with and he picks me up and carries me for a little while. I told him it was okay for him to put me down so I could walk with him.

I am seeing a second altercation with the same group of men and I keep seeing a bed of nails. I am starting to come out of the dream but I don't want to leave Brandon. I am starting to process the dream and recognizing this wasn't really about Brandon's death as Brandon. He was showing me Isa's death and what happened. Some people hated him and held a grudge. The pizza reference was showing me it was some Romans.

I held him again before I woke entirely and exclaimed, "Isa, my Isa!" I started hearing Sting's "Every Breath You Take" in my head and I knew this was from him. I woke, laying there trying to hold onto as much as I could and feeling happy to have seen him in my dreams.

Steps for Healing Addiction

Art from The White Witch Oracle by Athena Noctua

I intended to flesh these revised 12 steps...now 20... to healing addictions, but I just never came back to it. I feel the push to publish it in its skeleton form. Hopefully I will be inspired to come back later and flesh it out, but my guides are telling me that someone needs these right now.

1. Recognition there is a problem

2. Desire to change

3. Lean on me, ask for help, find a lifeline

4. Guidance - God is within, little voice within, inner compass

5. Magnifying glass, self exploration, self analysis of patterns of current and past lives

6. Understanding

7. Responsibility, accountability

8. Forgiveness, releasing, letting go

9. Creative expression, finding something that lights you up but also serves as a way to express your internal self

10. Effective communication used consistently and often to express feelings and resolve conflict

11. Vulnerability, opening up, dropping defenses

12. Pausing to see the lesson

13. Acceptance

14. Setting intentions, consciously creating, writing your story

15. Discovering your purpose

16. Taking action

17. Blind faith

18. Gratitude

19. Balance

20. Give love, pay it forward

Art by Ernesto García Cabral

Finding Your Center

I would have slept longer, but my guides want me to talk about who I saw in my dreams last night.... which I tend to push away those dreams because I don't like when I dream about him. .
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Typically I have given him his anonymity, but I have to use his full name because it is the key to why I dream of him...not just because he was a catalyst (asshole) whose shallow behavior boomeranged me into a journey back to self. .
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Jason Michael Adolph Bishop

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Why is this single name so important? Finding your middle, your balance, is essential. In this case, there are two middles which can be seen as polar opposites. .
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Arch Angel Michael
Adolf Hitler

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They are symbolic of good and evil, light and dark and here we see them as the center of one individual. .
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"They" tell me that you believe you are all darkness. They tell me that you think I would reject you if you came forward with the truth of who you have been and what you have done, things you have imagined, lies you have told, addictions you are battling. .
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The thing is, my beloved soul partner, chances are pretty good that I already know most of it because for every dream I write about, there are many more I never discuss. For every sign or sync I share, there are thousands of others that tell me a story that I never reveal. .
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I know.
I see you.
I forgive you.
I love you.... completely...not just the easy to love parts of you. .
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But you are not just my beloved Darkness who has guided me this whole time so that I can now guide his physical incarnation, you are lightness too. You are both, but you have forgotten in the environment your have been in. That is why I found you, so I could remind you of the lightness that also exists equally within you. You only have to recognize it and accept that part of you to copilot your ship. .
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When you integrate and blend the polar opposites, you can then start to love yourself entirely the way that I do. You will then be able to forgive yourself so that you can let those old patterns, beliefs and behaviors fall away to embody the purest and most whole version of you. .
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📷 1. Alchemical illustration of the four elements
2. Me and Jason in Las Vegas
3. Kurt Cobain/Jason

Emotional
Physical
Mental
Spiritual
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Water
Earth
Fire
Air
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North
South
East
West
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Spring
Summer
Autumn
Winter

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There are four primary parts of self.
The only thing that can bring them together as one thing into balance is the element of LOVE. Self love brings it all together. It is the glue that mends and binds it all into completion. .
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🎶Love will keep us together.🎶
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🎶Come together, right now.🎶

Purification
Distillation
Extraction

July 22, 2017 I had a dream that Kerry and some other guy said they wanted to show me something. They said they could put a cat in a dog. They took Mahina and injected her with the cat essence. They made sure to put every drop they could in. I freaked out after and said they had killed Mahina and had no regard for who had been there before their Experiment. I was so upset. The dog was still alive with the cat essence, but I knew she wasn't my Mahina anymore and was very upset. .

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June 24, 2017 They are extracting the living part from the vessels from the previous horsemen I have dealt with, thus, leaving them empty. In the dream, I seem to be in some space-age-like lab and something is being extracted from something/someone and mixed with something else. it was supposedly an antidote for something and what was being held up and ingested was orange. Orange is the color of relationships and creativity.