My Parallel Me, Bridging Parallel Worlds

I have come to a really big discovery tonight, one I can't believe I didn't see or realize before.

I have been given tons of clues about the men in my story, my four horsemen, but have always thought I have been given almost no clues about the three other major parts of me that are horsewoman of the apocalypse for the guys.

The discovery came when I considered I have been off about who played what roles during the life of Isa/Jesus and how there are actually two stories because there are two parallel worlds trying to come back together into one.

In one story, Mary's baby was taken from her which is the story I feel emotionally connected to. In the parallel world, Mary kept her child. In one story, Mary raised her nephew as her own son. In the parallel world the nephew took the place of his cousin on the cross. In that story Jesus faked his own death. He lived in France after and died in Japan. The Isa I connect to emotionally is the one I raised as my son but later married. He was hung on the cross and died in my arms.

The cousin who died on the cross, instead of the Isa who later went to France, eventually would play the role of Hitler. The Isa from that world would reappear as Baphomet in images. It was a secret hidden in plain sight behind the head of a goat.

I once heard in a dream that you have to have snakes of two different colors. Two of the same color would just kill you. Kurt Cobain and River Phoenix are both people who show up as horsemen in my story.  Both men could be considered light haired and both men were with women who were light haired as well. Two snakes of the same color just kill you. There is speculation that both women are responsible in some way for the deaths of the men who were their partners.

Now the next two horsemen are Brandon Lee and Keanu Reeves. Brandon was about to be married but died before it could happen. For Keanu, it was his daughter and former fiance who died, Ava Archer and Jennifer Syme.

This is the big discovery that makes me understand some of the pieces I have gotten. Jennifer Syme is the other Mary. She is my "Rose Top" who died alone and she is currently on my Oktobre bus. I believe Ava Archer came back as my daughter... Jennifer's daughter and we are both raising her. It is why I absolutely do not want anyone else raising her and why I/we have chosen to homeschool. She already lost her daughter once and this time she was not going to miss out or give that time away.

Jennifer is likely the Ava Gardner to my Jean Seberg and why she was drawn to the name Ava.

There isn't a lot of information about Jennifer because she was famous simply for dating Keanu. The one little bit I was able to learn about that fits with my clues is her being a personal assistant to different musicians. I have dreamed about taking a job as a personal assistant for a musician. This version of me has never done that kind of work.

I expect that other clues and confirmations will come in that will help me understand  it all better. They always do.

I'm still trying to put it all together to understand but basically I think we are gathering people from both worlds and bringing them together in union within self and then with their matching counterparts. By doing this, we bring the parallel worlds back together as a single one. When we bridge the worlds, we create a whole new harmonious reality.

Another Story Unfolding Through Dreams

February 10, 1995* I had a dream about River last night. In my dream I didn't remember he was dead or had crossed over. It was as if he was here and death never came into the picture. In the first dream we were intimate with each other. I woke up, thought about the dream and then went back to sleep. Then the dream picked up again and I saw River again. It was odd, we were getting married. It was an informal wedding. I was scared. The thought of marriage scared the hell out of me...yet I walked to meet him and exchanged vows. How strange. I miss you, River. Why did you have to go?

March 28, 1996 I only remember bits and pieces of the second dream. Something to do with someone I loved. I can’t remember who HE was in the dream. He was dying, I think. He didn’t look or act sick, but I knew he would not be here long. I remember kissing him. The scene changed and I was in some room with some other girl. This small orb appeared and was floating around the room. I was rather frightened of this thing and was sure it was a tiny UFO from outer space. It started doing something strange against the wall near the ceiling. It was going in a circular motion and creating a hole/crater. As it got deeper into the thick wall, I caught it but it was so fragile that the orb fell apart as I opened my hands to look more closely at it. Neither the other girl nor I could tell what it was exactly. Then at some point another tiny sphere/orb appeared. It continued where the other left off and soon was through the wall. What I came to discover later was that the orb contained the spirit of the man I loved who had died. He had to make the hole in the wall because it was a way out from another dimension. It was a doorway for him to re-enter this dimension. I was happy to see him and that is all I remember about the dream.

February 25, 2000 I had a dream about Brandon Lee. I vaguely remember seeing him alive and well and us smiling at one another. Then the scene changed and I was in a house, I think. Oh wait, first there was a CD player I bought and for some reason it was special because the person who got that CD player was "the chosen one" and, when it appeared, it meant Brandon would come back to life...back to the world for that person. I just so happened to be that lucky person. I remember thinking the CD player looked used to me. Next was a house scene and some guy was taking me around showing me all of the rooms. Apparently this was where Brandon had lived and died. I think he said they were having a hard time getting anyone to live there because they couldn't get the blood stains out of the bathroom. He said that the bathroom was where they took him immediately after he was shot. He took me to the bathroom and showed me the blood stains. They were on the tile floor and on the bathtub and the stains were still very red. There was standing water filling just the bottom of the tub. I looked again in the tub and I noticed a baby. The baby was lying on his back in the water and he was alive. The guy showing me the place was just going to leave him there. So I picked him up and held him. He was Asian looking and I decided I would keep him and take care of him. The thought occurred to me that perhaps this was Brandon and he had come back to me in this form. I had some sense that he would grow at an accelerated rate.

April 29, 2014 I had a dream about being in Florida back in Gainesville. In part of the dream there was an old woman who went away for the weekend who asked me to look after her animals and I said sure, but I forgot because I was so distracted and busy doing other things that I completely forgot. I felt bad but realized there was nothing I could do to change it. Someone else was getting blamed for the animals being dehydrated because the old woman couldn't believe I would ever do something irresponsible. I admitted that it was me and apologized. Later in the dream I was on the campus of the university in Gainesville. I was there to find my other children. In the dream I think I was Heart Phoenix. I had kept a couple of the kids with me but left 3 behind with their father. It felt like they hadn't seen me in a while. Kids were skateboarding around the quad and it was bustling with people. I lay down on the green grass and felt the warm sunshine. It was pleasant I think the kid riding the skateboard was one of the ones I had left behind and had come looking for. The daughter I had kept with me was playing with him. There was something about furniture and my daughter wanting furniture that looked just like what she had in her other home and we found something in a catalog that was almost identical. Somewhere at some point I remember hearing someone talking to me about having to lower their vibrations so much to come here and communicate with me and then something about holding the vibrations of the earth. MaryAnn had just talked about this so could be why it was on my mind, but it actually felt like someone was talking to me, I just can't remember the whole message.

August 30, 2013 I just had the strangest nap. I guess I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep at first. At some point there was realization that, yes, my body was asleep and my conscious mind was still awake. At some point I felt something in my head....and at the crown. I don't even know how to describe it. I told myself not to be afraid and to stay with it and asked myself what I saw. There was some poster in front of me and as I stared while this was going on with my head, the poster morphed in and out to something else but I couldn't make out the words. It was just enough to show me I was seeing into another dimension. At one point I heard a man singing something about "your twin soul is here" and I thought, "wait, what did he just say? That was a strange song i have never heard before."

September 22, 2014 I dreamed of River. I saw him on a cliff. There was a fence but they were doing something down below that caused the earth to crumble under him and he closed his eyes and just seemed to accept his fate. His hair turned from brown to blonde as he went down the cliff. Then later I am sure I dreamed of him but it is hard to remember. I remember putting on some corset thing. I think I was at work with K and trying not to let him see me naked. I seem to recall cooking something. I think River showed up later and he seemed to like what I was wearing. The rest is pretty foggy. As I was waking, I remember starting to see something like a birth certificate/drivers license and I think I saw that this person was 6ft. At some point I hear something about welcoming Noah.

I went back to sleep and these are fragments from the lengthy dream I had. There was a dirt road and a farmer was raking it to remove the bits of litter. I Remember seeing two plastic lollipops mixed in. There was something about a town that was created solely for a movie. The houses were intricately built and pretty. The houses were going to be sold after the movie was filmed and saw inside one house and saw a king sized bed in a plush bedroom. I remember thinking that house was likely to cost more. I remember seeing a ladder on the side of one of the houses as though it were still being built. There was an injured big red dog and it looked as though its skull had been partially split. The rear of the dog was severely injured. It seemed as though this dog would die. It showed up in other places and when I saw him again I assumed he had died but he raised up on his front paws. I remember thinking I needed to call someone who could help...either put him out of his misery or help heal him. I think I eventually saw a second dog like it but it was blue. I remember seeing a church but I never went in. It was like a one room school house only it was a church. I remember seeing a red velvet chair inside. I know there was a lot more to the dream but I can't remember.

March 12, 2014 I dreamed of River last night. I don't remember much about it though. I think I was trying to take pictures of us together because I knew he wouldn't be here long. I remember feeling happy to see him and wishing he could stay.

November 21, 2014 I had a couple dreams. The first round of dreams had to do with my dogs. Rio was a focus and in the dream she was still alive. Someone had chained her up and just left her there. I was horrified. I gently unchained her and held her. I think she had been living with Tina and Wayne. I felt a lot of guilt about having left her when I moved away and I was surprised to find her still alive. I decided I was taking her back and I was so happy to have her back. Her fur had mixed with white hair. I don't remember much else about that one.  I seem to recall a native American dude. I think I was dressed up and doing some dance and he was instructing me how to do it.


Woke up and then went back to sleep. The piece I remember of this one had my brother Thomas in it. He was collecting our things and putting them in a car. I was looking for my phone so I could call someone. I was talking on the phone to someone and was mentioning  something about the mirror being broken. I was standing in front of a mirror and it was broken in a couple places but I didn't feel concerned at all. It feels like I took a photo or something and was able to repair the damage. We were leaving the house and there was a woman that was left behind. I identified her as the "ex wife" but ex to who, I am not sure of. She was mad we were leaving and she felt smug and thought that she would let me know that her ex would be back twice a month on specific days.  I think I said that she needed to have a flower waiting for him in his room on those days. Something was mentioned by her that she was going to sell the house. I think she thought her ex or we would be upset but none of us cared if she sold the house. Someone said that it would be different if the house was in Texas but it wasn't. That is all I remember.

July 20, 2015 I was somewhere and River was in this building and I was helping him. He was a boy in the dream and I was helping him and I think I was trying to bring him forward and outside in the open but he had to be protected.

September 29, 2015 I dreamed that I was forced to go see a therapist. I didn't want to. I think I saw my brother, Wayne, there and he says something about only having two pair of jeans and he is feeling very concerned about that. I didn't really understand why. Later it seems like I am flying around and I appear to be inside a room with some sort of carvings. Maybe wood animal carvings. We were hovering above in what I guessed was a plane and I felt surprised that the air from the jet didn't knock anything over. Nothing seemed to be disturbed as it seemed there was no air disturbed by the plane. Later I am in the same house with the care taker of the house. He has my one of my other dogs...one that died in real life but in the dream they were alive. I think at first it was Rio and then later she turned into Phoenix. He had been caring for my dog while I was away. I think he might have offered me something to drink. I was chewing gum but the gum became stuck on my tongue. When I went to throw it away, not all of it came out of my mouth. I kept pulling and pulling and it seemed like there was more. And just when it seemed like I got it all, I would feel more in my mouth. I apologized to the guy and said I had no idea what was going on. I seem to recall seeing an ad somewhere and the therapist is giving away my dog. I am no longer at the guy's house and I have Inara call him. I am saying "hello? Are you there?" and I keep calling him Thomas at first but then remember someone else had called him Peter and said, "I'm sorry, I mean Peter." he says "there is a lot we still need to talk about" but I interrupt him and say, "I just want my dog back. She should be with me and I really want her." i pause and then continue, "it is a really difficult time in my life right now" and i start sobbing and can barely speak. I vaguely remember thinking about how well Mahina and Phoenix would get along with one another. I remember thinking I wasn't sure how I would support us all, but I was sure I would manage.

January 5, 2016 It is rare I dream of River as River. Last night I saw him as River. It was just a tiny sliver of dream I remember and someone is introducing me to River and I am shaking his hand and smiling and telling the person who introduced us that River and I have dated before. It was weird because I kind of knew in my conscious life that he was dead and that wasn't correct, but here where we were it was a fact and made perfect sense.

January 17, 2017 I dreamed of K and A again. Something about reconnecting but then A showing up and getting in the way. She asked me if I had ordered the pizzas. I said I had but actually hadn't. The place they normally order from had gone out of business and I was going to have to order from a different place. In the meantime, they munched on a pizza they already had. I went away feeling disappointed that A was still present.

In a later dream, it is hard to describe what took place. There was something about some guy and maybe a cave like tunnel. It is hard to remember. What I remember most was a short bit at the end where I had been having this conversation with this guy who is supposed to be River. Some reference was made about him after they tried to stop us from being together but then it seems I disappeared with him inside this rabbit like hole and all that was left was the high heels I had been wearing. Apparently this was his place and no one could enter unless he allowed it so once I was inside, there wasn't anything anyone could do to get me out.

March 29, 2017 I was dreaming about a game... Actually there were lots of them going on at once. Apparently one of my daughters thought it would be fun to mess with my game and changed it a bit. She left her signature and illustrations to say "Mom, I have made your game more interesting. Come home now, love, Annabelle"  I thought the illustrations were amusing. In some sections there were races. In another section there are spectators all watching. I made my way up to this one section that had two tunnels and it was meant to test your relationship to see if it would last. She had changed the right tunnel so that everyone met with a grizzly end. The left one was designed so that at one end a person stood and projected their love for the other in and guided them through. You have to trust your partner to guide you. But Annabelle had changed the parameters to make it more difficult and something was going wrong with the readings on the computer. They were going to have to fix it. Meanwhile she and her partner were in the "tunnel of love" trying to navigate through the game. That is where I woke.

In an earlier dream I heard something about how this world was Jesus's world. In another one there was something about a barbecue grill I was supposed to pick up but didn't know how I was going to transport. There was a wall of shelves behind it that moved so it acted as a door. I cannot remember what was on the shelves. Movies?  Games? There was also something about trying to spray whipped cream but I couldn't get it to come out. Something about a little girl and she was getting ready to leave.

April 12, 2017  In the dream various characters had been replaced with different actors...Heart and Sky being two of those. I was trying to understand it even in the dream. I had the impression that this was deliberate to make it harder for me to reach the original one. Like someone was trying to prevent me from connecting with the one I wanted.  I came across the real Sky I had met all those years ago and he didn't look at all like the new one who I was actually most familiar with. It was weird and I was trying to understand how this could happen and I remember relating it to being similar to when a soap opera character has a new actor for the role. You recognize that this doesn't seem right but just assume your memory is  a off and accept this other person is the original one you met. They were showing me that the Sky I had become familiar with wasn't the one I originally met. Later the second Sky is conducting an orchestra with a piece he wrote. He was amazing and the audience gave him a standing ovation. I remember seeing surf boards lined up behind the orchestra. People were so moved by the music they were crying. There was no doubt he was talented, but it didn't change the fact that he wasn't who I thought he was and I was still thinking about the other one.

June 21, 2018 Last night I dreamed about seeing some old movie called "Japan" and I was remembering how there used to be a band called Japan that I loved. This movie was like an 80s movie or something, but while it was playing, I accidentally got in the middle of a scene and apologized for them having to redo it now. Lol like when the movie was playing, I was there watching it instead of on a screen. 

April 14, 2018  I had several dreams but could remember none but the one just before I woke.

I am not sure where I was. It wasn't home. Some blonde guy I know comes up to me. He has another dude with him. He has dark hair. He is telling me that his friend really wants to spend time with me but it feels like I haven't been awake very long and I need to get dressed. He wants to take me to see a movie. Apparently it is called "Remember Me" and is some weird sci-fi Japanese movie about people who switch bodies with people and have to find each other and remember each other. I told him I had heard about the movie but inside was groaning that I might have to read through the whole film. The movie he wants to take me to starts really soon. He is walking with his arm around me and is very happy to be spending time with me. He hands me these wide white lacy ribbons that had an adhesive side. I was trying to figure out what to do with them. I am in only a bra and underwear. I consider wrapping them around my feet and using them like shoes, but instead wrap one around my breasts and one around my hips like a skirt. I was surprised and pleased how much area they covered and now there are all these people around me and they are going to the movie too only we are now all supposed to run around to different stations and create a costume before we go inside. There was a shower, but it was communal and there were a ton of people inside. I stood there contemplating. I wanted a shower but there wasn't time. Then I had to decide what I would put on from the different stations. I looked around me and saw people putting on makeup, but I didn't feel moved to do that. There wasn't time enough and I didn't feel like putting on a mask of cosmetics and not be able to touch my own face. I saw hats but none of them interested me. I saw a crystal ball and other similar trinkets but didn't want to have to be burdened with carrying anything through the entire movie. I think while I was looking at other clothes, I somehow lost the top ribbon wrapped around my breasts. I tightened the bottom one by knotting it at the waist. It feels longer now. I looked for my top ribbon but someone else had obviously grabbed it. I was wearing a bra so wasn't concerned and figured I didn't need it. Apparently people were going to be judged on their created costume. I figured mine wasn't much because I didn't care one way or the other. I was just going to this thing because I was spending time with this guy. I met back up with him and the only thing I had with me were a couple pictures of River. I remember thinking how I would explain why I chose to bring that with me. In my head I was thinking he was a friend even though logically I also considered I had never met him in life. I woke up as we were heading into the theatre. It is important to note that in Roblox, my daughter likes to play Fashion Frenzy and people have to run all around and create a costume and then are judged by fellow players. That is what it reminded me of but a real life adult version. It was still all for entertainment.

July 31, 2018 I dreamed of River. It was like I was taken back in time and I was given a chance to meet him but it felt like I was stepping into a movie and watching things unfold and the person I was with had been there and had known him so I was seeing a scene from their life. But somehow he was able to see me. He stopped and wanted to meet me and I wondered how this was happening and if it would change the outcome of the future...if he would still be alive back in fhe timeline I came from. He looked like he did  in the movie, "I Love You to Death" . I saw something about how he had been taught the value of things. Sizing up the object and identify it's value quickly was taught. I was surprised by this and thought, "so that is where he learned it." I don't know what that means. I don't understand it as I type. He didn't want to let me go after we met and I wished I didn't have to leave.

October 14, 2018  I dreamed about being with a young guy about 17 to early 20's. He is wearing a ball cap. I can't remember what color. There is an older male there with me helping. Sometimes he looks like the younger one almost as they they could be father and son. The younger guy can't walk or use his arms. I think he hasn't been speaking up to this point as well. He is looking at me and down at his atrophied arms. I take his hand in mine and I ask him if people normally exercise his arms and legs for him. I am telling him he needs to let me know what he needs because I wasn't sure. I asked if it was okay for me to keep holding his hand and he said yes. He was alert and speaking a little now which we knew was great progress for where he had been. I tell him that I am here to help him and that I won't be leaving him on his own. Then, suddenly, the older man is Keanu Reeves and I am kissing him on the left side of his neck under his chin. I pull away and apologize because I know there are some sensory and processing issues and he could potentially react badly if he wasn't okay with it. But when I looked at his face, he was smiling at me.

I talked about needing to improve communication so that we can help the younger guy and complete what we came here to do. I was telling the younger guy he would be okay and that we were there to help him and bring him home.

Just before this we were in some business. It seems like a recreational facility. At first, it seems we are climbing up and sliding back down. It feels like snow is on the ground. I am with someone else but can't say who. I am offering to help take them back up to the top, but they seem to want to do it on their own.

The later there was something about heading somewhere in a town a woman is walking beside me and I am asking her about this place if it was a big town or small one. She said it was big. At some point she and I join hands and continue on to wherever we were going.

Next, I remember going into a restaurant. It feels like a nice restaurant and we are trying to find a place to sit. This is when the younger guy suddenly appears and we are trying to help him up to the table.

May 6, 2019 I dreamed of River all night.

The first dreams it was like I had missed connecting with him and he left all of these clues behind for me to find. There was something about his father not being his biological father and him not knowing who his bio dad was. I remember seeing an effort to try to match features up with who his dad might have been. There was a bit about traveling on snow skis and I hoped I didn't need to do that too as I have never snow skied. It was more like cross country skiing because it doesn't seem like there is a slope.

I heard/felt something about how River could be found where the brown sleeping bag was so I had to find that. It feels kind of like this is a funny pun. It feels like this is a reference to someone sleeping a lot. I think I had found the sleeping bag just before I started to rouse and think about what I had just seen and then I drifted back into a dream.

River is suddenly with me and we are together and talking. It feels like we are traveling on a bus and are going to Detroit but I don't know why. I apologized, saying I don't know why we didn't just take my black car (in real life I no longer have that car) because now we would have to walk part of the way there. Something is said about his friend. I'm the one who said it.  I think this it is referencing Keanu but I can't remember what is said. It feels like River and I are getting to know each other.


June 30, 2019 I dreamed that I was in a class. It turned out to be one I didn't normally attend. The class I normally attended was earlier in the morning. I didn't usually encounter these people but sat in on the class anyway. The teacher was someone I identify as Miss Virgin who used to be my kindergarten teacher. My partner is in this class.

Later I am somewhere with my partner getting lunch. He gets something that looks like a burrito but it has three burger patties in it laid out. I think I got some sort of vegetarian burrito. We got the total and my partner was upset by how much it all came to and he wasn't sure if he was going to like it anyway. He starts talking about food and saying words I didn't even understand but it gave me a sense that he has eaten what is considered higher end food with a more complex flavor combination. I told him we could simply take it back and get our money back. He insisted on keeping it even though he felt distressed by the cost. I remember the total being $50 and some change but can only remember the number 50.

Physical Perfectionism and Aging

Attribution Unknown

Dream Journal Entry: July 8, 2019
I dreamed something about being at a bake sale type thing and being surprised that all of the food was free. You didn't have to pay anything. There were lots of sweet treats. I tried one and liked the center part which was a dark chocolate and nuts but didn't like what was around it much. There were so many things to try and taste.

The scene changes. I remember something about an actress sitting beside me and she is commenting about how she didn't realize how old she looked in the movie she just did. I had supposedly just watched this movie last night and told her that I thought she was beautiful. I explained that our bones, the structure of us mostly stays the same. The skin and the outer layers changes on all of us and there should be no shame in those changes as we get older. I thought about my own changes and having learned to come to terms with aging. I told her that I heard her sing and think she has a beautiful voice. But she sat fretting about her physical appearance, looking old and having a double chin in a shot in the movie.

In another scene, my partner is saying something snide to me about something of mine he had read. I was angry and spoke about his inability to communicate effectively and the only times he chooses to communicate about anything was to basically insult me. I think he then mentioned something I had just said to him that was rather pointed. I got even more angry and shouted, "Fuck you!" I then went to some pan that had trapped some bugs. Most of them were dead now except for the cockroach. I tried to recapture it but it started to fly away. I hoped it went outside and didn't stay inside where it might reproduce.

Oh yeah, I also remember seeing a date... January 22, 2022.

Photo byApel Photography

Thoughts Evoked From the Dream

The sweet treats at a "bake sale" that are actually free seems to be about what I do. Creating anything can be seen as cooking or baking. You are taking various ingredients, putting them all together and seeing what you come up with. For me it is words and the art I find and put together for the consumption of others. Obviously who I was dreaming from within was thinking they were "sweet treats" and it was surprising that I wasn't trying to cash in on it all.

I liked the center of one of the treats I tasted. Perhaps this references something I wrote and the meat (nuts) of it, the concept, lesson or idea was preferred and maybe not so much how I got to the lesson. Some may not like Sum 41 but can appreciate the lessons I learned and shared on this blog during my time in that community. That would be liking the center but not so much the outside of it.

Photo by Barry Cheesman

Aging

This will be the meat of this blog post because there is a lot I want to say about it.

We spend so much of our lives focusing on our shells...the vehicle we drive to have a human experience. What many seem to fail to understand is that part of this obsession, especially when we are young, is a biological impulse telling us to reproduce.

All throughout nature we can see this in action with competition to win a mate to procreate and pass their DNA on. Passing our DNA on ensures our immortality in a sense. We live on genetically in our offspring.

This single biological impulse and instinct is the source of so much self-inflicted misery due to needing to be attractive enough to win over the mate of our choice. So we compare ourselves with each other, diet, workout, buy the right clothes, do our hair, wear a pound of makeup, wear false eyelashes, get surgery for bigger breasts or a smaller nose...all to win a mate and procreate.

It is seriously fucked up but it is a ritual that seems generally accepted and encouraged by mass media, peers and social media.

So we go through the motions of what we were taught and eventually end up married, divorced or whatever but well past the age of really actually having the biological impulse to reproduce, except we still end up thinking we need to play the same game of needing to look a certain way. God forbid you actually.....*gasp*.... get older and look your age. God forbid you stop giving a flying fuck what anyone thinks about your exterior.... especially if you happen to be in the entertainment industry.

We spend so much time puffing up our chests and feathers when we are young that many of us forget to cultivate who we are internally too, so when you get to middle age status you have a crisis because you aren't emotionally prepared for the exterior changes because you never took time to develop the character that is you.

The way it has shown up in dreams for me is the furniture in the house is what we have inside of us and have cultivated within. Recently I dreamed of an old house that was basically falling apart but the furniture inside was solid wood and would last for a very long time. It was big and sturdy. It could be saved and moved to a new house when it was time.

It is the same with us. What we fill our fleshy houses with is more important than the actual house itself. All houses crumble eventually. What is of value is what is inside that you can take with you when your fleshy home "gives up the ghost".

You can choose to furnish your house with IKEA furniture that looks great temporarily, or you can set out to carve the tree that is you and build something solid and valuable that can be taken with you when you transition to the next level. Chances are pretty good if you spent your whole life focusing on the outside and what is inside is total shit, you will have to come back to the same level of Earth life until you get it right and have something worth taking with you to the next level.

Aging is this beautiful opportunity to just not give as much of a fuck about the external. Who fucking cares about those wrinkles or the double chin? Who fucking cares that someone doesn't think you are as attractive?

Know thy self.

When we start to have a relationship with self, we start to comb through all that is us. We sift through, letting go of what doesn't serve us and appreciate who we are, who we become on the journey as a result of the growth. The journey back to self is about self love and acceptance. We understand that self isn't the body but we can give love and gratitude to the body regardless of the size, shape and appearance.

Attribution Unknown

By loving ourselves completely as we are, we can also love others and look beyond the outer shell for the real treasures inside. An oyster doesn't look like much on the outside, but what they are capable of producing is considered of high value...pearls. An amethyst cave just looks like a rock before it is split open to reveal the beauty inside.

Poor Keanu Reeves has been told for many years that he appears to be immortal because he doesn't seem to age. Either those people need glasses or they go through life with perpetual brown noses. Keanu has definitely aged and is not at all the same pretty faced boy he once was. The cigarettes have helped him age more. Without a beard to hide behind, it is super obvious that he looks his age. Why is that a bad thing? I absolutely adore this aged version of him because there is so much more experience and wisdom behind his eyes now. Now we can finally stop focusing on his looks and start looking at his abilities, talent, skills and wisdom gained from 54 years of life. He has so much internally to offer the world yet we have barely scratched the surface. Of course that also requires him to turn himself inside out, become open and vulnerable and show us who he really is inside.

The actors I love and respect the most are the ones who opt to age normally. They don't try to hide it.  They choose not go under the knife, do Botox, laser resurfacing, collagen, etc. They choose to experience the changes, the differences and accept them as they come. I love people like Toni Collette and Parker Posey who have embraced the aging process which is basically telling Hollywood standards to go fuck themselves.

If we never aged, would we really ever take the time to go within and change internally? We lose our hair, our good looks, our pride, our bloated ego, and start to have to actually explore each other to discover who we are internally to determine if we think someone is attractive to us or not. With this in mind, a wise person would do the work required to become attractive to themselves internally.

When we have reached a level where we look in the mirror and think, "I am fucking amazing and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks," we have reached a truly beautiful place where the light that grows inside starts to leak out of the wrinkles in our skin. Others will feel our light, our energy and know the truth of our beauty.

I fucking hate selfies, but I am going to post some for this blog post as a way to embrace the changes I have made both externally and internally at the age of 50. They will appear at the very end. I am fatter than I have ever been at 230 lbs. My hormones are changing which is causing my hair to gray and more and more whiskers keep growing on my chin. I have blood vessels that are visible and make me have a red appearance on my face constantly. I haven't owned makeup in years so don't try to cover it. I also have pre-cancer spots on my face that looks like acne at tmes. My neck skin is sagging and looks old. At some angles I have double...even triple chins.

And guess what?

I'm fucking amazing!

If you were to try to create a hyperreal sculpture of me and all of my flaws, it would be far more challenging than that of someone considered "perfect".

Aging is an opportunity....embrace it!

I Am Not This Body

Red lips, long flowing hair
They see a pretty face
But not the soul I bare
I am not this body

Dirty clothes, missing teeth
They pretend I don't exist
They can't see the soul beneath
I am not this body

Dried up limbs, wrinkled skin
Old and often forgotten
Timeless is the soul within
I am not this body

Overweight and out of breath
Lifestyle assumptions are made
They can't see the beauty and soul depth
I am not this body

This flesh, the blood and bones
A skin suit we put on like clothes
We step inside and gasp and groan
I am not this body

How could we forget what is true
We are light, color and sound
These roles we play are not me or you
I am not this body

Written October 12, 2014
By Oktobre Taylor

Different shades of me...

Now don't expect another selfie for 20 years. 😁

Dream Journal Entry, Pieces and Parts of Self

Dream Journal Entry: July 6, 2019
I heard myself say, "I never played rich." Which I assume means I didn't pretend to be rich when I was a child. I played school, house, witch, singer, disco, missionary, Snow White talking to forest animals, lost in the wilderness, but never rich and elite.

In dreams when I have been handed a lot of money, I didn't like the responsibility. I have wanted to be comfortable, sure. I grew up poor and am still poor. I abhor greed, but I do want to be comfortable and be able to have my needs met easily.

I also dreamed last night that we each have 4 major parts of ourselves we are trying to bring back together. Think the apocalypse of the four horsemen. Basically what that means is that there will be 4 major people you encounter that will help awaken you to who you are and have been. We earn our parts back from these people. It is impossible not to end up with a version of our partner which has been the carrot dangled in front of us to get us to move in the direction of growth and self awareness. The one you end up with is highly dependent on where you are personally on your journey. The goal is to end up with the most evolved version... meaning the one who has reclaimed more of their parts.

I get bus references and never completely understood them. I would see bus numbers. I think the numbers indicate how complete we are internally. So, when I was seeing bus 60, I still needed to gather 40 percent of myself. This year I am seeing bus 80, which means I still have 20 percent to go but who the fuck knows what the next lessons might be that will help me earn those parts of me back. It is probably about money and sex/physical intimacy since those are two things absent in my life.

Dreams and Connecting the Dots

The Wedding Register, 1920, by Edmund Blair Leighton

Dream Journal Entry: June 2, 1996 

I had dreams about Brandon last night. I remember dating him and then fearing I was going to lose him because he was going to go ahead with his planned marriage. But then I felt a sense of confidence about the situation. I knew if I didn't protest his marriage, he would realize his true love for me and come back to me.

Dream Journal Entry: May 28, 2015 
There was a big spider and I think it was Kerry (former employer dad) was trying to kill it along with others from his family because the spider freaks them out. I yelled at them not to do that and offered to collect the spider and take it outside. It was one of those hairy spiders where you can see lots of eyes. I took the spider only now it was the shape of a puppy but was still a spider. I thought it very odd. I ended up in some laundromat that was part of the apartment building. Some of the washers had clothes in them. It felt cold in here and I hoped the spider/dog would be okay. I walked around the room and found one spot where it actually felt warm and thought this was the spot I would let him down. I uncovered him from the blanket I was holding and told him this was his new home. I told him that I was sorry the others tried to kill him but that they had a lot of fear of what they don't understand. The spider-dog started talking back to me, I think. I can't remember what he said. I asked him how it was he came to be this way...looking like a dog but being a spider. I think he was reluctant to answer. I was petting him and somehow ended up stroking his penis too. I sat there stroking his fur and his penis and just chatting to him. The next thing I know, it is in my mouth and when I went to pull it out, it was more like a really long tentacle that went deep inside me (deep connection). I wasn't bothered by this, just was fascinated and actually remember hoping my stomach acids didn't hurt him. I remember adjusting a thermostat so that it was set to 70F. 

I think the dream jumped and I am hearing something about clothes....formal clothes. Something about someone having paid $7000 dollars for undergarments for a wedding, only now the wedding wasn't happening and they were annoyed. I look down and it feels like i am wearing men's formal wear clothing. I don't remember much else about that.

Night before last I dreamed of replanting a peach tree and when I did it grew a lot (sweet and delicious investment). Orange is about relationships and replanting the tree suggests the relationship can't grow in one location but by moving, the relationship flourishes.

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019
People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then later I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Now, at this point I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She gets on one side and I get on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH". 

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.

Dream Journal Entry: July 5, 2019
i dreamed about K and A. A was pretending to be pregnant and apparently had asked K to marry her. I remember spending time with the kids. I remember traveling around Michigan and talking about whether or not I would go on to Vegas after that. It feels like the adult son and I are somewhat intimate with each other and I mentioned something about having helped raise him but he wasn't my own child. I also remember something about K being really penny pinching and stingy and separating out a bill at a restaurant to make sure the other person paid their portion. 

I remember going to an airport. My mom is with me and dropping me off. I was supposed to meet some Eastern Indian people somewhere. They were expecting me but then I suddenly realized I had forgotten to pack and bring anything with me for the trip. I stopped and said to mom, "I can't go because I forgot to pack." I wondered if they would let me use my ticket for a later date and just pay a little extra. Mom didn't think so. I was concerned about letting the people know I wouldn't be there who were waiting for me to arrive,

Oh yeah, I heard a song but I didn't recognize it. It feels like I heard, "I stayed for Jesus" but the vocals sounded familiar...like the Kings of Leon but I couldn't find a song of theirs with that lyric.

I also remember pink roses in an overfill drain in a tub that Inara had put in. I tried to pull some of them out. They weren't real roses. They were fake and some of them came apart as I pulled them out. Some were lost down the drain and I hoped they wouldn't clog the drain.

I also remember something about showing up at someone's house Inara was staying at in the middle of the night. I was holding Mahina when I arrived at the door and Inara's little friend opened the door. I hoped I hadn't scared her.

Our Personal Stories and Manifesting

The Preparation

I have known I need to compose this blog post for a while as the subject has come up a few times recently while talking to friends. I kept thinking, "This advice is for me too. How do I pull this all together?"

Usually when I compose a blog post it is because it has to come out and often it simply flows, but I wasn't sure how to start and what to say. Then I fell into a low mood and couldn't be bothered to even try. Lately, I have felt so tired in the afternoon for no real reason and coffee doesn't help, so I give in and simply lay down for a nap.

Photo by Dennis Ziliotto 

Funny enough, my phone has been randomly powering off even when I have 40% battery left. I considered that the phone shutting off seems to echo what I am feeling...just suddenly powering off. My phone is where I do everything. I write everything from my phone. Is it ideal? Not at all, but you do what you have to do and make do with what you have in the moment. I'm grateful to be able to express myself at all and put it out there. I have felt panic and concern because I don't want to feel more cut off and isolated than I already do.

The other part of trying to write this blog post is that it's about manifesting the life you want to experience and I haven't yet started to manifest that life. How can I give advice about manifesting the life you want when I am not even there yet myself?

The fact is, this blog is titled "Musings From My Journey" so I think it also stands to reason that I will be telling all of you what steps I am using to manifest the life I want. I'm still trying to figure shit out and talking about it all.

The Meat

We all have stories of us that are unfolding. There are the parts that have already been read and performed and the parts we are at currently and the parts we have yet to act out and experience.

More often than not we go through life unconsciously writing our stories. Our stories are something that happen TO us and we are just a character in the book who is at the mercy of those writing it for us.

When we awaken and become conscious creators, we can take back the pens for our own stories and choose to start writing the stories we want to experience rather than be passive players. We take back our power and become writer, director, and star of our own production. We take full responsibility of our stories and the creation of what is to come.

In order to have a different life, the one we so desperately want to experience, we have to write the script with our thoughts and beliefs. We can't say things like, "I truly hope it will happen." Instead, we have to change our thoughts and beliefs to knowing it has already happened, but we simply haven't gotten to that part of the story yet. There are pages we are reading leading up to it for dramatic effect.

To say we "hope" leaves room for the possibility of it not manifesting, but to "know" it already has happened is to say it already exists. It doesn't leave room for there to be a coin toss and it going either way. To know is to solidify the intention in our mind as part of our story already.

We have to believe in the possibility in order for the possibility to exist, but we have to know it already exists if we want to consciously write our own story.

Obviously, our story we are writing can't infringe upon someone else's free will, so writing things in like a new career we love, security, happiness, love, etc. would likely be best. Leave it open for the universe to work magic while also being specific.

But then there is the whole "letting go" aspect of our stories that needs to take place before the new aspects come to us. We have to be willing to let go of the old...old relationships, old jobs, old friends, etc. in order to make space for what we are writing in.  We have to be open to the way what we are writing in manifests and be willing to shake up our lives for it. We can't put all kinds of conditions on how it manifests. We have to stay open and say "yes" when those opportunities present, not "yes, but..."

Photo by Christer Strömholm

This is all advice for me as well because I do wish to manifest a different life of abundance, love and happiness.

I try to remind myself, "This is already written in my story. I know it already exists because I have seen it."

I have dreamed it all! It isn't in order. It is out of sequence, but I know it already exists because of my dreams.  My dreams knew I wanted access to a pool as my means of getting fit before I ever was aware of it. My future self had already written it and sent it to my former self.

In this now moment, the life I desire with all of my heart already exists, I simply have to turn the page and keep reading until I get there.

Art by Bethaleil at DeviantArt

Dream Journal Excerpt: May 17, 2017 "Marina, you are going to be a star all on your own." Heard this just now. At the tail end was a couple coming together. People had tried to keep them apart but they finally made their way back to each other. He was attractive, a little older, like maybe later 30s early 40s but wasn't gray. He had beautiful brown skin and straight with some wave black hair. He had facial hair as well. He kissed the woman passionately in front of everyone. I have this knowing they are both well known. People are still trying to hold her back from him to some degree but she refuses to be taken from him. They kiss very passionately. It feels almost like they are soap opera characters. It feels like they have been with other people but are finally coming together as a couple.

It is possible for us to come together with others and opt to co-write our stories, but that requires developing our communication skills. We need to be able to communicate effectively and often when merging our stories so that we know we are on the same page. Whether or not your stories stay merged is entirely up to us.

Can you see the story you want to experience in your imagination?

Is your future self showing you the life you are going to experience through dreams and visions?

What does it look like?

Photo by Emily Ch.

Clearing Space for New People, Homeschooling



Keanu Reeves (because I couldn't find a picture of Paul McCartney with full makeup)

Dream Journal Entry: June 29, 2019 Last night I dreamed about being in a house. There is a room I am inside and I was thinking I could make this room my own. I am seeing an older woman used to live here but now she has moved out to another space, yet her things are still here. The closet was full and it looks as though someone still lives here even though I know they don't. I decided I could maybe hang out there occasionally but I couldn't make it my own because of all of the other person's stuff.  

I remember someone playing some music. It was late 80s alternative and I started dancing to it. I was talking about how this is what I used to dance to when I would go out to the clubs. I look to the left and see a big pile of cassette tapes and grinned at the nostalgia of it all. I talked about how I remember how important my tape collection had been to me but I had thrown all of mine away a few years ago.  

For some reason I am seeing a young Paul McCartney. His hair is longer and he is wearing makeup and false eyelashes. I think he looks beautiful and I liked his look. I started thinking about how many of the people Inara likes to watch on YouTube are boys who are comfortable wearing makeup. I mentioned how we had our share of men in the 70s who were comfortable having more feminine looks and I considered that most of the celebrities I had crushes on back then could be considered more feminine, people like Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb and Leif Garrett.  

Steven Tyler

There were a few of us in a car...all females. We ended up driving somewhere. I think we are driving through town. We stopped and picked some extra girls and were trying to make room for them. Meghan got out of the car to make sure it was okay if the girls joined us, but then the driver started leaving without her. I was in the back seat with the young girls and was telling the driver that we would need to go back and pick up Meghan. I know there was more but I waited too long to write the dream down and can't remember now. 

Shaun Cassidy

Interpretation of the dream: 

This dream seems to be clearly illustrating how people can move out of our lives but have left an accumulation of stuff inside of us.

I want to move into the space, but there is no room for me to have permanent lodging there. Since it was mentioned I had already gone through a clearing of old things, the dream is showing me how someone who wants me to move in needs to do their own internal clearing to make room for me to stay there instead of just being a visitor.

The older woman's belongings might suggest it is baggage dealing with a mother or mother figure. Regardless of who it is connected to, the same thing needs to happen. The old needs to be discarded to make room for something new.

The scene with the car echos the idea of there not being any room for additional people and someone ends up getting left behind who is actually needed for the journey. It will be necessary to go back for her.

Whose belongings are you still carrying around with you internally that you need to let go of? An ex girlfriend or best friend? Is it the baggage from childhood and parents?

How will anyone who is meant for your highest good be able to move into your life if you haven't cleared out the space internally for them?

Andy Gibb

Inner dialogue triggered by the dream: 

Recently we went to see a sneak peek of the movie 'Yesterday', so it isn't really that surprising that Paul McCartney's likeness showed up in a dream. What was unusual was him being dressed in full makeup that we used to think was reserved for women.

One of the reasons why I love homeschooling my daughter is that I know my own influence will hold the most weight and stay with her through life. Her peers and teachers aren't the ones influencing her ideas and opinions. I am.

I have worked hard to help her develop compassion through teaching empathy. On a daily basis I help her navigate her relationships by asking her to consider how she might feel in the same situation if roles were reversed. I have worked hard to help her be inclusive of those who society often shuns and ostracizes. I teach her that those who are difficult and act out are usually the ones who actually need more of our love and understanding. Excommunicating people actually continues to damage already damaged people.

"Imagine how you would feel," I say to her frequently.

I teach her about gender variations and that love is love and it doesn't matter what gender a person is if we love them and we both want to be together. I explain that makeup doesn't have to be for only girls. Clothes are clothes and anyone who wants to wear a skirt, dress, etc should be allowed to do so comfortably.

Leif Garrett

I also explained the differences in body types because of biological anatomy. We simply have different needs but that there should be clothing options cut for all different body types and not based on gender. Do you have a penis and testicles? Well these pants over here might work better than those that were cut for people without them. There is a spacing issue to consider.

I teach my daughter to strive to be the highest version of herself she can be and no school or teacher with 30 students is going to give her THAT education.

If the children are our future, I take my job very seriously and want to help her be loving, compassionate, empathic, open, accepting and someone who steps in to take action to help when it is needed.