Taboo Relationships, Secrets Revealed, Letting Go

Sometimes, in order to let go of something, we first need to shine a light on it, reveal it and dissect it and let it bleed out. Only then can we release what we have been avoiding but carrying with us from lifetime to lifetime.

After my QHHT session yesterday with Allison Coe, there has been so much brewing inside of me that I know needs to be talked about.

It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this.

It doesn't matter if anyone believes me.

It doesn't matter what people think of me after I share it.

I am not interested in your version of this tale. I don't need you to comment with anything you may have gotten from the characters I will talk about today.

I write today as therapy and as a way of releasing the mountains of pain that has followed me from lifetime to lifetime and has kept me a prisoner....a damsel in distress in a tower made up of all of her fears, loneliness and pain.

Today I release her.

The only past life that was revealed is the one where all of my health problems are rooted. It is similar to trying to cut down blackberries. If you don't take out the roots too, the blackberries will just keep coming back and take over eventually.

I was surprised by the intensity of emotion that gripped me during my session. It gripped me so intensely throughout the session that I could only cry sometimes. I could feel my whole body tense up spontaneously and the profound sadness, grief and loneliness leaked out of my eyes. When I sat up after the session ended, I felt dazed but also my heart was literally in pain. Near the end of the session, I felt my head starting to hurt and on the drive home, both sides of my jaw hurt. Later that night, a migraine kicked in and I still have it today. Is this my body trying to process all that I felt yesterday during the session? I believe this is, indeed, the case.

The jaw pain is a message that I need to speak out loud the things I have kept hidden. The heart was revealing the pain, and the head was holding the secrets I have held onto.

So, what is this life that grips my heart to a point it makes it feel as though it is being shredded by blackberry thorns?

The life I saw was that of Mary, mother of Isa (aka Jesus).

The tale I tell now is compiled of information that came through observed repeating patterns in my life, dreams, in-between states, signs, synchronicity, research and now regression.

Mary, at a very early age, was given to a religious group called The Essenes. According to information they had gathered through charts and prophesy, Mary was meant to have a very special child. I spoke of my own dream which echos this in my post about Hitler.

At the age of 12, Mary was handed over as a child bride to someone selected for her by the Essenes. Joseph didn't really want this responsibility, but, begrudgingly, took her to his house. By this point, Joseph's first wife had died. His children were grown. He spent days and sometimes weeks away working, which left Mary alone. The place I saw in regression felt remote and isolated. I saw goats, a small garden and a tiny house with a dirt floor where she spent most of her days entirely alone.

I saw her sewing pieces of cloth.... embroidered them. She would trade these small pretty tokens for bread and other supplies. The interesting part of seeing this is that when the character I am currently performing changed her last name legally, it was changed to "Taylor" which is a name that suggests the occupation of the bearer is someone who sews. In a dream I saw pretty little embroidered cards that had beautiful words and music that played from them. In the dream I thought that I wanted to do something like this. I didn't understand then the connection to that other life that was coming through. I thought it was simply about wanting some of my poetry to be turned into songs.

I was first gripped with overwhelming emotion by the lonliness Mary felt during my regression. She was so lonely. She came from having a community and peers with the Essenes, to isolation in the middle of nowhere.

While Joseph was away working, Mary was raped. By whom, was not revealed in my session. I only know the father of her child produced a blonde baby boy. The fact that this child was not even Joseph's was bad enough, but the fact he was born with blonde hair was a dead giveaway that he was not the father and it would have brought shame, embarrassment and punishment to both of them. So Mary's baby was ripped from her arms and given away to be raised by others. She never knew what became of her son, just that he existed once and she kept the evidence tucked away somewhere. In a dream I saw it as a baby mobile and other baby items. I then saw in the dream that this evidence was also taken eventually and a cousin had it.

Joseph would always blame her for her own rape. In his eyes, it was infidelity and he felt betrayed. He had never been a warm communicative person, but now there was even more distance because of his resentment. Mary was grateful that he allowed her to stay on because other girls in similar circumstances didn't always fare so well. At least she hadn't been cast out, or worse, been killed as an adulterous wife.

Mary became intensely depressed. She had no one, really, and the one person she had who God told her was going to be born to her was ripped away from her. She had named her son, Isa.

When Mary was about 16, a toddler boy was brought home to her by Joseph. He gave her this child to raise, hoping he would make her happy. This one he knew would grow up resembling himself because he was his brother's son. His brother had many children and his wife had identical twin boys. His brother's wife didn't mind having her burden lightened a little so agreed to the arrangement.

Mary named him the name she had given her actual son. The boy always knew that Mary was not his biological mother as she made sure he knew that he wasn't her real son. Having this new Isa there did help her feel happier though. The next images I saw in the regression was her sitting by a river playing with this boy. He was probably 4 or 5 at that point. It felt like a different place than the home she had lived in with Joseph and I can't say where it was for sure.

At some point during the regression, I saw Mary and Isa living in India where they both learned about reincarnation, meditation, tantra yoga, energy, breath work and so much more. It was such a different life and both were transformed during their time there. At this point Joseph had died.  I saw Isa as a man-child from behind. His skin was a sun-kissed brown and his dark hair was in long waist length dreadlocks with the front part tied back to stay out of his face.

Feelings came to the surface as Isa grew, romantic feelings they both shared for each other. Their education helped them understand how and why they could feel what they did for each other. They understood that energetic soul bonds transcend space and time and don't care about social taboos. They were also in a place where no one knew who they had been, so when the time came that their feelings were revealed to each other, it was easy to act on it.

Mary and Isa married and had two children together. They were happy and life was good. But Isa wanted to return to their homeland to teach what they had learned. For Mary, it raised mountains of fear. People back there knew them and they would have to be careful because what they had done was taboo. She didn't want to go back. They left their children in the care of a close friend in India and headed back to the land of their births.

It didn't end well, when they returned. Isa was crucified on a cross and died in Mary's arms. His last breath he took in her arms.

A great deception took place at that point.

Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene are exactly the same person. They are not two different people. They are the same person.

Previously, I thought that Didymos Judas (Thomas), Isa's bio-identical twin took his brother's place on the cross. He did not. He did take his place in a way though. He posed as his brother. Other decoys were put in place so that people wouldn't know who to follow or where to find them. False information was deliberately planted to mislead anyone who might try to find Isa and Mary.

In the regression when asked about Thomas all I could get out was "France. He went to France." Allison asked about Mary Magdalene going with him and I said no, but internally the dialogue that was taking place was "Thomas is gay." Mary Magdalene was a ruse, a fiction. Thomas stepped into his brother's shoes and played "husband" to Mary at that point. They were very close friends and she stayed with him because he looked like the one she lost. Did they have children together? I have no idea. It is possible. Mary would have been about 43 at the time they went to France and she looked young due to her diet and lifestyle, so it isn't impossible that she had more children with a man who looked like her husband who wanted to actually be with men but was scared to act on it because of fear.

Did Mary actually ever see her children again that she left behind in India? I have no idea but I did have a dream once where I saw myself back in a place....a campus of a college. I had come back for the children I left behind. Three were with their father and two were with me. What isn't clear is if these were children from that time period or if they are children from our real life outside of the game.

What IS abundantly clear to me now is how much the losses Mary suffered created a ripple of anguish and pain through all of her lives that followed. She lost child after child in one way or another. She suffered from the fear of people knowing about her relationship with Isa because she knew all too well how they would react if they knew.

"Child molester"

"Incest!"

"You married your son?!!!"

"Disgusting!"

"Pervert."

It was the most profound love she had ever experienced and yet the outside world could never understand what she understood without the knowledge she and Isa had. And in the land of her birth, crossing into what is deemed "forbidden" by social standards, could lead to death. There was real danger in revealing their secret. We only have to look at Woody Allen and the relationship he has with his adopted daughter to see how the public reacts to such taboos even today. We jump to judgment and ridicule without any deeper knowledge or understanding.

This was the secret that was kept that must be revealed.

I sent this as part of an email to Allison after our session:

"At the very beginning of this journey, the guy on the other side played a song in my head during a nap, "I Just Want to be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb. I didn't understand the full impact of the meaning of those words back then, but Isa really was Mary's everything. He was her son, her lover, her best friend, her partner.... regardless of how the whole world will view it. Even you had a little of the reaction that she feared from others. "You had a relationship with your son?" What she learned in India that she couldn't seem to articulate in those moments on the couch was about energy and reincarnation and how your heart remembers the energy of the ones we love most in that other world, in those other bodies. We are still of THAT world right now where our bodies sleep and he is still my husband. Would you brave taboos to feel that level connection and love with someone? Apparently my version of Mary did but it had a price. Her "everything" was crucified for a day. She was crucified for the rest of her life by having to hide the truth and by her own grief."

My session with Allison Coe was a gift...both literally and symbolically. My friend, Cynthia Hanning gifted me the session. I went in with no real expectations. The worst that could have happened is that I ended up having an amazing conversation with an amazing woman. What I got out of it was confirmation about a lot of things and the knowledge that I really can trust myself and my own information coming in. What I got was confirmation that the direction I was going with my thoughts about who I had been and what I had experienced was real because I FELT it. There was a lot I couldn't see and couldn't answer, but in those moments, I felt the intensity and weight of all of the emotions from another life that have been acting as road blocks for me being able to live this life fully.

That was the message I kept getting in the session, that I wasn't living anymore. I needed to leave the isolation I felt from that life and am reproducing in this one. I need to make in-person connections and not just online ones. I need to allow and open myself completely and connect fully on every level with at least one person which requires me to face my biggest fear of all....loss.

Feel.

Reveal.

Release.

I am free.

The Alice Manifesto, Staying Open

Mrs White Photoart

The Alice Manifesto

Goal: Go home

• Remember who you really are

  Find your way back to 

  you. You are not the 

  character you are 

  currently performing nor 

  the many characters you 

  have performed during 

  the game. Find out who 

  the player is at the core.

• Stay open

  Any fixed ideas of how 

  you think things should 

  be or will be can 

  keep you from your goal.

• Thoughts create

   Fantasies lead us further 

   away from going home 

   when we fall in love with 

   our creations.

• Let go

  Any attachments to 

  anything and anyone 

  within this reality will 

  keep you here.

• Follow the Right Rabbit

  People (and bunnies) 

  aren't always what they 

  seem to be. Sometimes 

  our inner compass gets 

  thrown off. Recalibrate. 

  Stay on the path that 

  takes you home.

• Never give up

  No matter how many 

  dead ends you come to, 

  don't stop trying to find 

  your way out of the maze. 

  Some corridors will take 

  you further to the exit 

  than others. Don't get 

  discouraged. 

• Fear nothing

• Anything is possible.

By Oktobre Taylor
Written April 19, 2018

I wrote the above as a reminder to myself and I find myself repeating at least one of those points to myself daily.

We start these spiritual journeys and are eager to recognize the signs and syncs we are given. We are eager to follow their guidance and the guidance from our guides on the other side. We put them all together and have to try to decipher what it all means. And once we decide on a direction, it can be difficult to leave that path because we are so convinced this is where our information has led us.

"Stay open, Alice," I tell myself.

My guidance led me to Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. For four years I hung around that community because of information that I felt guided me there. I had this idea of who he was to me on a soul level...family. When you think someone is family, you stick it out and endure the bumps and bruises so that you can wake them up to help them start their own journey and remember who they really are and who we are to them.

My time in the Sum 41 community was far from easy. I'm not like other people, but that difference seemed more pronounced within that specific community and sometimes people were cruel, but I endured and continued. I even continued when Deryck stopped talking to me completely. For four years I tried to do what I felt my guides were asking of me until I could endure no more.

During the third year of trying to reach Deryck, I was thrown a curve ball with new information coming in that pointed me to Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! I struggled with this information because it confused me. I thought I knew with complete certainty that Deryck was the path I was supposed to be traveling even though I was exhausted and wanted to give up. Trying to communicate and connect with him had become a habit. Letting go was difficult and painful.

I have only spent a little over a year trying to reach Laura Jane Grace and that path has resembled a mountain road with giant potholes where you fear you could break an axle. It might lead to the most amazing waterfall you have ever seen, but you think there is a strong possibility you might die just trying to get there. The time invested has been shorter with her, but I have been getting clear information pointing me in another new direction now. I don't actually think she likes me very much, so she will likely hardly notice me wandering away to graze in other pastures and explore other rabbit holes.

Photo by Mrs White Photoart

Here I am again having to tell myself, "Stay open to new possibilities, Alice. Let go and stay open."

I have thought so many things about where this was all heading and had to let all of that go when it was obvious it was going nowhere. I was not only a little annoyed, I was pissed off to have to rearrange my puzzle pieces and try to understand where it is all actually heading. I had hoped my efforts would lead to some sort of job so I could become independent and still raise my daughter the way I feel is best, but with each time I had to let go and head in a new direction, it meant I was still a bird in a cage and, seemingly, no closer to freedom. It has been frustrating. Sometimes all I can do is cry. Sometimes I utter profanities at my guides in my head. But most importantly, I have tried to look to see what I have learned and gained from the experiences.

When I look back, I can see how much I have learned about me by trying to reach both of them. I feel I learned infinitely more during my time with Deryck, but maybe that is simply because I had so much more growing to do and I spent much more time there. I can look at both people and find deep love and gratitude in my heart for them.

We have to follow the guidance we are given and sometimes that means we have to let go of what we thought would be in order to stay open to the possibilities that are trying to make their way to us. Moving forward is essential so that we aren't chasing our own tails in endless circles. Circles are a lovely shape but sometimes we need to stop biting our own tail and look ahead if we actually want to get anywhere.

The truth is, I no longer completely know what I am supposed to be doing or where any of it is leading me. I do believe it is leading somewhere, I am just not clear about what that destination is at this point. Ultimately, I hope it leads to home.

Adolf Hitler Died For Your Sins, Past Lives

Painting by Roberto Ferri

How is that for a title, eh? Lol

How shall I start this? There is so much to say and ponder.

I grew up in a fanatically religious household which caused me to eventually reject Christianity and everything related to it. I came to a point where I considered myself atheist.

Fast forward to the start of my spiritual journey. Early on, I listened to a channeled interview with Jesus. I had gotten to the point where I thought Jesus was a fictional symbolic figure, so I was skeptical going into the interview. I tried to be open, though.

Afterwards, I thought a lot about it and, when I went to meditate, I was inviting a couple specific people to the meditation party and considered maybe I would open the door to Jesus even though I felt a little foolish. When I went through the internal dialogue in my head, something happened, something triggered me and I thought, "You abandoned me!" I burst into tears and I couldn't stop crying. My husband wanted to know what was wrong. I blurted out, "Jesus abandoned me!" And I felt like an ass saying those words but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

It would be years before I would research the life of Jesus even though it felt like my guides were pushing all kinds of signs and syncs at me telling me there was something there I needed to look at.

If you read me, you know I get the majority of my information through dreams. I had a powerful dream about a baby boy that was going to be born to me. At the time, I made the mistake of thinking they meant that it was going to happen in this life. I didn't realize that this event had already happened.

January 6, 2013 Julie called me last night to tell me that for two nights in a row she had dreams about me having a baby boy named Reed. I had to laugh and think that was kind of freaky. I had my own interesting dream. I can't remember well the details but will try to recall what I can. I seem to recall being somewhere and dancing or doing some kind of acrobatics. It was kind of like aerial dancing only without the fabric. Anyway, there was some guy there. I think I liked him and then we started to lay down where we were to have sex, but then there was some woman who I believe he had been seeing who was next to us which caused us to stop for the moment. I think I knew who "he" was in the dream, but for the life of me, I can't recall who he was supposed to be. Somehow I knew this was the father of the son that would be born to me. It was so weird. Anyway, the dream changed and I saw stars....bright stars. I knew one was the father and the lower one, the son. There was something special about the alignment and how the son was "come to Earth" in its alignment. And I knew that the "son" was coming to Earth to be my child. At one point the stars changed to people. People were really excited about the star coming to Earth. It was a wild dream and I'm not sure what it all means. I laid there thinking about it all and trying to process it and kept wondering who the father was.

When I finally caved and started to research the life of Jesus, Dolores Cannon was one of the people whose work I turned to to explore. It was in Dolores' information where I found an eerily similar account of stars, planetary alignments and a very special child being born to Mary.

So am I saying I was Mother Mary during that time period? Absolutely. But I wasn't convinced of it at this point. And then throw into the mix that there are many people who make the claim of having been Mother Mary and all of the various different people having had lives during the life of Jesus all seem to have a different version of the story. I don't completely understand it yet but I think it could have something to do with different groups playing out their own storyline performing as those characters. I don't discount any of their alternative storylines.

What I am going to outline and describe is the storyline that I have been piecing together through dreams and research. In my story line, I was raped at the age of 12, which is how Yeshua was actually conceived. Through my research, I found a version of the tale where Mary was handed over to Joseph as a child bride at the age of 12. Supposedly he goes out to work for four years and comes back to find his child bride pregnant. He was pissed about this turn of events.

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0847.htm

13. And she was in her sixth month; and, behold, Joseph came back from his building, and, entering into his house, he discovered that she was big with child. And he smote his face, and threw himself on the ground upon the sackcloth, and wept bitterly, saying: With what face shall I look upon the Lord my God? And what prayer shall I make about this maiden? Because I received her a virgin out of the temple of the Lord, and I have not watched over her. Who is it that has hunted me down? Who has done this evil thing in my house, and defiled the virgin? Has not the history of Adam been repeated in me? For just as Adam was in the hour of his singing praise, and the serpent came, and found Eve alone, and completely deceived her, so it has happened to me also. And Joseph stood up from the sackcloth, and called Mary, and said to her: O you who hast been cared for by God, why have you done this and forgotten the Lord your God? Why have you brought low your soul, you that wast brought up in the holy of holies, and that received food from the hand of an angel? And she wept bitterly, saying: I am innocent, and have known no man. And Joseph said to her: Whence then is that which is in your womb? And she said: As the Lord my God lives, I do not know whence it is to me.

Now, keep in mind they were in the Middle East and being raped there, even today, can result in the victim actually being put to death, not the rapist. She was a CHILD. She was 12 years old. Of course she is going to say whatever she can to keep from being killed. Wouldn't you?

Here is my dream which speaks of Mary being raped:

December 1, 2017 I had a dream night before last where I went to a restaurant that my BFF supposedly worked. It was a cute and higher end restaurant. She wanted me to meet her employer. Her employer was a pretty woman who dressed kind of alternative and had long dread-like hair. She was talking to me about me possibly working there and I asked for an application because I hadn't needed a resume for years so didn't have an updated one. She seemed spiritual and cool and she said to me, "I saw the advice you gave my twins and I really liked what you had to say." I was like, "Oh thanks, that is very kind of you to say. I apologize because I have no memory of the advice you are talking about or who the twins are, but I appreciate your kind words about the things I have said." She showed me a picture and I see a red haired male and female who were apparently her twins. They were adults and beautiful. I guessed I had maybe used a photograph of them for my Instagram but had no recollection speaking specifically to either of them. The owner of the restaurant continues and mentions that she has an older son too who she had when she was only 12. She gets a grave look on her face and says how much her son means to her no matter the brutal way he was conceived. I am seeing she was raped at 12 which is how he was conceived and I am seeing a nail through a palm for some reason. I am now seeing her Om tattoo on her left wrist and my BFF is saying how she has gone through some true transcendental experiences. I have a sense of an extended time spent in India and now I feel foolish and like a novice having mentioned anything spiritual to her. But she really liked me and hugged me before I left. I told her I had an appointment to go apply for another job as well and left.

There have been other dreams that, when combined, leave me absolutely convinced that Mary's life is one whose baggage from that life I carry with me. I have to work through it to release the internal blocks and shit that has backed up. I have shared some of those dreams recently on Instagram and Facebook if you care to read more.

Sometimes I hear things in my in between state. We all do, but I have learned to not just brush it off as my "imagination".

Recently I heard something that sent me down the Jesus rabbit hole again.

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I did hear something in my in between state as I was waking from my nap this evening. I heard:

"In my most difficult moments, a thief..."
I finished, "...made you laugh."
I heard, "Yes! A thief made me laugh."
I then saw crosses.

I went on a search to learn more about the thieves who died next to "Jesus". Apparently the one on the right scoffed and taunted him while the one on the left said that Jesus didn't belong there. He admitted that he, himself was there fairly but Jesus had done nothing. Essentially, the thief on the left took responsibility for himself, while the one on the right, did not. There are some accounts that some of the words that were recorded as Jesus having said were actually the start of a Jewish hymn. He was singing. I don't think it is a stretch that a thief would crack a joke and make him laugh.

I have to remind you of what I talked about in an earlier blog post. Jesus didn't actually die on the cross. His doppelganger did, Thomas, whose name was actually Judas. Judas looked like Jesus so much that the others started calling him Didymos aka Thomas. Both mean "twin".  In that earlier blog post I mention how one was the "son of God" while Thomas was his polar opposite counterpart and the "son of Satan/Lucifer". They were basically the same soul being expressed as polar opposites...two sides of the same coin. So, in essence, even though Jesus didn't actually die on the cross, the soul inhabiting both men DID experience the death of one of his vehicles.

Painting by Roberto Ferri

https://carm.org/the-quran-the-crucifixion-and-the-gnostics

"The Hilali-Khan translation offers a bit more interpretation, representing how many Muslims have historically understood this passage:

"And because of their saying (in boast), 'We killed Messiah 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), the Messenger of Allah,' - but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but the resemblance of 'Iesa (Jesus) was put over another man (and they killed that man), and those who differ therein are full of doubts. They have no (certain) knowledge, they follow nothing but conjecture. For surely; they killed him not [i.e. 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)]. But Allah raised him ['Iesa (Jesus)] up (with his body and soul) unto Himself (and he is in the heavens). And Allah is Ever All-Powerful, All-Wise," (Surah 4:157-158)."

So Jesus assumes his cousin's identity long enough to flee to France where he lives out his life. Mary believes her beloved son has perished brutally and never knew he lived on and had a family. It is why I had overwhelming feelings of abandonment about Jesus. It is what the Knights Templar protected. It is why their symbol, Baphomet, holds the same pose as Jesus in images.

Jesus didn't die for your sins, Thomas did.

Now let's talk about reincarnation and this little tidbit I got this morning:

As I was waking, I was shown an image of Hitler and someone said, "This is who your best friend used to be."

I wasn't really alarmed by this because of a previous dream I had about a Nazi soldier:

August 21, 2015 A man I think I was caring for was seen in 3 stages....young, middle aged and old.. He was intimate with me. In the middle stage he seemed to be reliving his time as a nazi soldier. He was aiming a pretend gun at me and firing. He was directing slurs at me in German. I tried to get him to put away the guns because I didn't like it even in reenactment.

There have been lots of other clues along the way pointing me in the Nazi soldier direction...especially the Adolf and Eva direction. I have SO many connections to wolves via dreams, signs and syncs. My daughter's middle name is Zev. It is Hebrew for "wolf". It was such a weird possible connection that I watched a documentary about Adolf and Eva not too long ago. I had a feeling they might be connected to all of this. So this revelation that my best friend had been Adolf Hitler barely made me blink. It was more like, "Yeah. So? Tell me something I don't know." Lol Adolf was Eva's best friend. And isn't that what we all long for? A partner who is also their best friend.

Today on Facebook I shared a couple dreams that illustrate two different past life scenarios. You can read them should you want to. This was a comment I made after pondering those other lives:

What if the man who died on the cross (not Yeshua/Jesus) came back as Hitler? Killed by the Jews only to kill a few million Jews. Was it Karma? Was this baggage being carried over from his past life? I started thinking about this today with my past life shares earlier. In one we see how my killing this man's father caused him to become angry and violent. He killed his wife as a result of my having killed his father. It isn't about blame. Of course we always have choices but what was illustrated is how the chain of repercussions can follow us into other lives. In another life, I was the one who was murdered but we see the man who did the deed became a changed man. He broke the chain and grew to help humanity.

So often I used to dream that I had so much of this old baggage and stuff that was a burden to pack up to take with me. Forgiveness, both for them and ourselves, is key in being able to let all of the past life stuff go.

Usually when I dream I am heading somewhere, recently, I have almost nothing with me but my ID.

How I feel in this now moment is that Thomas, who died on the cross pretending to be Jesus, came back and had a life as Hitler.

So do we worship one and hate the other when, at their core, they are exactly the same soul, the same being? Or should we forgive and love the soul at the core regardless of the roles he performed? Did Mary come back and choose to give love to a man the world thought a monster? I think that is exactly what happened.

My 5-year-old inner self believes that there is good at the core of all people. We all have the potential to do really awful things and really good things. Looking at the other lives we have had and understadning what baggage we have brought back with us from those experiences can help us let go of the baggage.

When we look at our other lives, we have the opportunity to see how we have been both "saints and sinners" when participating in balancing karma. Karma isn't required. It is a choice. We can choose to simply make better choices. We can choose to understand the bigger implications of difficult experiences as a potential balancing act. Upon understanding, it is easier welcome acceptance and then forgive right now in order to be released of that baggage so we don't take it with us to the next life.

Full Dream, Vampires Mentioned

Art by Laura Tempest Zackroff

Dream Journal Entry: July 6, 2017 I dreamed about a 4 member band. The funny one liked me and was pursuing me. He was unrelenting and his attention made me feel nervous because I'm not used to that anymore. He would follow me around everywhere. In one scene he was waving his limp penis in my face. I didn't seem put off or phased by this and stayed in the room with him. Later I reach in my pocket and found two gold pills in my pocket that are meant to help with arousal and a spray aphrodesiac in a black bottle. I held the pills in my left hand and the spray with my right. Later I see him cooking burgers on a grill. He was making several but was making one specifically for me that was orange and he had placed something special on top that looks like a silver crown. I made some mental connection with the Beatles and kept asking myself over and over who the funny one was of the Beatles...that I needed to find out.

Later we are all in a place where a lot of people are and he is still pursuing me. Someone recognizes him and calls him "prince charming"... Like he was actually a prince or someone very important and people knew who he was but I hadn't. I got excited because I started to remember the fairy tale connection with my story and feel more ready to be open to him so that we can complete what we came here to do. There was something about how it was his job to serve the wine to the couples and it was an important position. He turned to go back into the room to do his job and he took his hat off. I think there was something at that point about him being only 12 but I figured I could make it work in order to complete what we needed to do.

I started to rouse and was trying to hold onto my dream by recalling it. I drifted back to sleep and dreamed of a man that I consider to be the same as the funny one from earlier.

First there was a scene where I am getting ready for school and I have this knowing that I don't have to be there and I just decide I won't go to school...that I simply don't want to and was going to stay home.

Now it feels like I am in a very large house. There are lots of rooms. One section seemed to have an elevated area where a green mossy-like vegetation was growing. The guy is still interested in me and has selected me. There is a crowd of people and he has drawn me near him away from them. There is one dude in particular who stood out as being an ass. I see my guy take a needle and poked the asshole guy with it and he pops like a balloon. I hear something about "bursting his bubble" and how because of my good choices, I had been selected to move on and those who had failed would be eliminated. The guy is talking to me but I can't remember about what in sections.  At one point he morphed into a woman and starts kissing me. Something is mentioned about us being Vampires and she laughs and says yes, that we basically are.

I seem to be walking through the house and I stop at a small room I had passed previously and go in. I crouched down by the forced air heat coming from the floor by the door. The room is tiny and mostly empty but I am drawn to the room. The guy is now a guy again and pops into the room and says maybe I would be more comfortable in a different room. I am looking at the walls and notice what looks like knots in wood dotted around on the walls. The guy says that most people don't like this room, that it used to be the funeral room and people were creeped out by this and the eyes on the walls. I told him that I didn't mind, that I quite liked the room and liked looking at the patterns on the walls that then became eyes that moved and looked at me. The guy remarked that I was not like other people and why I had been chosen.

Now I am in a room on an exam table and the guy is using some instrument and inserting it into me vaginally. I don't seem phased or bothered by this. I mention something about having this high pitched ringing in my left ear a lot since I had been in this house and he smiles and tells me that i am hearing the Ender cat and he had selected me and that it's saying he wants to eat me. I didn't get a fearful feeling but more just trying to process what he meant. In my head I could see a connection to this physical probe and the Ender Cat wanting to eat me. I saw buttons inside of me and the kind of eating I saw was actually more like oral sex being performed on me. I started to wake there.

Notes and observations:

I asked online who the funny Beatle is and people unanimously said that Ringo Star was. I looked up Ringo because I didn't understand the connection yet. Apparently his actual name is Sir Richard Starkey. This name alone has a lot in it. "Sir" brings to mind a "knight in shining armor" or something similar to "Prince Charming". The name Starkey feels like a reference to the last scene.. about there being buttons inside me. The person with the right key can can open a gateway out of this virtual world we live in. I make no claims to knowing who that person actually is or is not. And last but certainly not least is the name "Richard". I get this name a lot in dreams and on a hunch wrote down a lot of the recurring names I get in dreams. The one thing they all have in common is that in their various forms can be names used to refer to a penis. Like Richard becomes "Dick" and William becomes "Willy". If you understood how funny my guide on the other side is, you would understand. They have let me know that my dreams are loaded with funny Easter eggs that I will discover along the way and the many names for penis is one of those. And yes, I do very much believe you are part of my story and some of my dreams seem to contain references to you. I don't really know what to do with the information yet as you are basically a wall of silence, so maybe my "trying to reach you" is more growth and expansion bullshit. I don't know. I just know I want out of this fucking shit hole reality and i have to complete the game in order to do it.

Coffee, Cigarettes and Self-reflection

Photo by Ralph Crane

I have always loved this vintage photo of Lauren Becall by Ralph Crane. It reminds me of myself when I was in my 20s and still chain-smoking. The only thing missing is a notebook and pen. So many hours I sat with pen and paper, a cup of coffee and a cigarette hanging out of my mouth. You were just as likely to find me in a bar drinking coffee and writing rather than having an alcoholic beverage and talking to people. I have old order tickets, napkins and other random pieces of paper with whole poems or fragments I started.

The other day I was thinking about my old dream of singing (I have blogged about it here) and how, since I started this journey, my guides have told me to sing over and over. My thoughts wandered to my old dreams of wanting to be a successful singer and I thought to myself, "But I don't want to be on stage and it is no longer my dream."

And there was a realized truth...an "aha" moment.

And as I stood there in the kitchen making myself lunch and watching my hands do their work, I thought to myself, "But I already sing. I sing through my fingers with my words. My words are my song."

And that is the truth hidden in plain sight.

I love writing, but I stopped for many years. I used to write poems, lyrics, start stories, letters to friends and in my journal....but I stopped. I don't know how or why I stopped, but I did. And with the stopping, something in me felt like it died.

It took me 30 years to share my old poems with the world on my blog. I was proud of myself for taking that step because they always felt so personal and I wasn't ready back then to share such an inner part of me openly.

I didn't know if I would be able to write again the way I used to, but I just tried and I was pleased with the first attempt. 5 years later and it seems my song has come back and it is even stronger than before. I can easily look at a picture and start to hear words formulate that are inspired by what I see...in images, art, and the things around me.

People have warned me that others might try to steal my work and my response is, "So." They have warned me that someone might attach their own name to my words and again I say, "So." I will not let fear keep me from sharing my creations with everyone who cares to read them. I share my words to provoke thought and feeling. I share them to put something beautiful out into the world. I put them out there because putting them out there is putting myself out there, which is the new open version of me. So what if someone attaches their names to my words? It doesn't matter. I don't even know who I really am at my core so even the name "Oktobre" is just a false identity.

Photo by Irving Penn

And what about all the money I could make if I were to write and publish books? Most of the information I share about my journey I would never charge for...ever...and the reason is because I think people are more important than profit. I think helping nudge humanity in a new direction is more important than making a buck on what I have to offer. I give my knowledge for free. Maybe it will resonate for some and help make their journey just a little easier than my own has been...which brings us one step closer to tipping the balance in favor of a heart centered society rather than a self centered one that focuses on division, survival and greed.

Would I like to be able to be comfortable for the time I have left here? That would be lovely, but it isn't what drives me. Maybe some day just the right musician will find me and want to put music to my poems and lyrics and together we can form a partnership we can mutually benefit from. To have music put with my words would be the absolute icing on the cake. If there is eventually money that comes with that, I wouldn't turn it down.

Duality, Reincarnation, Simultaneous Lives, Jean Seberg

Last night, on a hunch, I did a search of actresses who killed themselves because I had had so many dreams about having dropped out of school that felt more like a reference to suicide than actual 3D reality school. The first photo I saw was the above one of Jean Seberg and I just knew. Rose is a symbol that comes up over and over again in dreams, signs and syncs and I had just had a conversation with a friend about roses coming up for us. In fact, days before, I had a sync show up that gave me pause so I did a screenshot of what I saw. I often do this as I am collecting my puzzle pieces and trying to put them all together.

This particular synchronicity had multiple connections. Many of my dreams have a fairy tale connection and the story of Snow White and Rose Red, which is a Beauty and the Beast variation, is highly significant to me in figuring all of this out. I remember through dreams splitting apart into two... basically identical twins, which is probably why I see identical twins in my dreams so often. I believe this is how duality is achieved in this reality. One twin embodies light and one embodies dark but they are very similar. The only variation is personality.

I believe, also, that the dual aspects of self choose similar vocations and have similar personal issues within their lives only they approach them slightly differently. I believe this is true based on the guidance I have been given and the people I have been guided to. For instance, River Phoenix and Brandon Lee are the two who came to me in spirit. Both are actors and both died the exact same year. I kept being told that they were "two sides of the same coin". And then later I was shown in a dream having a piece of cake that was four layers and it had split in half on my plate. People thought I had two pieces of cake, but I told them that, no, this was actually a single piece of cake. Later in the dream I saw two lamps and discovered that their cords met and they were powered by a single source. I think the same is true for most of us.

I was guided to Deryck Whibley of Sum 41 and later to Laura Jane Grace of Against Me!. Both are considered a type of punk by fans and both are the primary song writers of their bands. Without them, the band essentially would not exist. I was drawn to studying Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison and again I was seeing two people who were the same but different.

Over and over I was seeing this pattern emerge that the average person would not be aware of or think to consider. So after having discovered my life as Ava, I considered that there must be another actress I hadn't discovered who was the light part of the duo as I believe fully that Ava is the dark one. I searched for an actress who had killed herself because it is such a big theme pervading my own life. That combined with the whole "dropping out of school" in my dreams and then coming back to finish made me feel there was something to be discovered in that search.

I read the whole list of actresses on that specific page and the only one I felt drawn to was Jean, so I explored more about her specifically.

As I explored her life, just like with Ava, I could see aspects of myself in Jean. Jean grew up in the Midwest and naturally had a strong sense of fairness and strived hard to to be inclusive to those who were considered minorities. She had a kind, gentle and giving heart, and in many respects, it was also her downfall because she didn't have a lot of balance. She didn't always make the best choices with her philanthropy and often got taken advantage of. I could see in her the kind, gentle sensitive me I was as a child. But life took its toll and the kind hearted me, the Snow White me, became buried in layers of ice and snow and the darker me "rose" to the surface and took over for her sister. In dreams there is a person named Rose and Rosie. And once I heard, "Rose Top died fairly." I didn't understand what that meant at the time, but I think it was showing me that the dark aspect had given way to Snow White so she could sit beside her sister in the driver's seat. I don't think Rose literally died, just stepped back and allowed some of that gentleness and kindness back to the surface. I had become angry, bitter and mean in order to survive my life.

Ava would eventually die alone with very few people actually caring that she had died. Frank Sinatra was one of two celebrity people who sent flowers to her funeral. She had pushed everyone away and let her addiction, bitterness, and regrets consume her. She didn't kill herself directly, but her choices led to her early death at 67.

Jean always felt misplaced and like she didn't belong here and I can relate so much to this feeling as I have always felt it too. Jean's life helped me understand some of the choices I made for this life. She had a string of romantic relationships where some were worse than others. But it was one after the others and sometimes overlapping because she was legally married while involved with some of the men. Ava had similar issues. I, however, have been largely commitment phobic where I think "love = pain" and I either sabotage myself, run away or choose people who are unattainable like all the crushes I had on gay men. They were safe. I could safely be affectionate without any expectations. When exploring the North Node in my astrological chart, I learned a lot about why I chose this life and the way I am living it. Finding Ava and Jean and learning about them confirmed exactly what the North Node exploration showed me. In this life I wanted to explore independence and not be so overwhelmed and mired in muck by relationships. In this life the person I wanted a relationship most with is myself.

On further exploration, I learned that Jean had two children. The first son was raised away from her in Spain by a nanny. I gasped at this and said to myself, "No wonder!" Later, she would have a daughter on August 23, 1970 which is also River Phoenix's birthday. Two days later her daughter died. She was heartbroken and devastated. She would never fully get over the loss and her partners would later reveal that she had tried to take her own life around the date of her daughter's birth and death. It explains why I am so drawn to mothers who have lost children. Ava had gotten pregnant once while married to Frank and, because of strict penalties she would face with her contract with MGM, she opted to terminate the pregnancy. Both women suffered a loss and both dealt with those losses in their own ways. Ava drank everything away. Jean became depressed and withdrawn. She became suicidal and would eventually succeed in taking her own life in 1979 at the age of 40.

I can understand completely why my whole adult life has been dedicated to raising children. First I raised other people's children for 17 years because someone else had raised my son, and then I stopped everything and sacrificed a lot so I can be home raising my own child. She has barely had a baby sitter. I can count on one hand how many times we asked friends to care for our daughter while we went out for a few hours. And is it any coincidence that I was determined to have a little girl even if I never married? I think not.

Night before last I had a dream where I had come upon a woman who was crying that her baby girl wasn't breathing. She held her baby out to me and I wasn't sure what to do. I was trying to find my way out of this place and I didn't want to be delayed. I asked her if she knew CPR or maybe there was some emergency assistance on campus that could help her baby. I believe fully that woman was Jean Seberg, an aspect of me, trying to help give me the clues so I could help her and her baby by putting the pieces together and healing all of our lives by restoring balance within this vehicle.

Clues are around us all the time trying to show us what we need to know about who we have been. We tend to ignore and brush it away. Everyone wants to have a celebrity past life, right? Not me. I have a strong distaste and loathing for celebrity. I can't think of anything I would like less than living in a fishbowl with no real privacy, which actually lends more weight to the idea that these two women are a part of me. They lived that life and it didn't end well for either of them. It seems understandable that I would choose a life as a "nobody"this time around.

Edited to add:

Yesterday I said the below to a friend as a response:

Ditto! I love you so much too. ❤ I know there are those scattered here and there who get it. They hear what I am saying and they understand the language I am speaking. But it is when we go into the trenches in "enemy" territory and speak openly about what we believe that it can get pretty difficult to endure the flames licking you, taunting you to see if you will run from them. I didn't come to preach to the choir. Fuck. I didn't come to preach at all but I share my journey, I share my ideas and opinions in places that are unfriendly because I know those places need the seeds in my pocket the most. I know you do the same as well. And when we brave those fires and walk away, we don't walk away unscathed. We walk away transformed and changed for all that we learned from those difficulties.

I didn't know why I was typing what I did at the time, but as I researched Jean, I learned that she had been badly burned during the filming of her first film, Saint Joan where she played Joan of Arc. Suddenly the words I selected had so much more meaning and gave validation to the idea that she was within me, helping me and guiding me.

Sexuality and Spirituality

I'm a little hot and bothered about something....and not in a good way.

Ceramic sculpture by Kim Reyes (detail)

I did a search for the above image to find out who the artist is and was dismayed to see it attached to a whole lot of new age bullshit about having sex with people and soul ties and why women are so crazy now. I would laugh except it is disgusting that they would use a beautiful piece of art by Kim Reyes titled "Self Discovery", not to mention the complete garbage they are feeding people about sex.

Ceramic sculpture by Kim Reyes

Dear new age spiritual people who fear monger about soul ties and sex....

...FUCK OFF!!!

Dear religious people who promise eternal damnation for masturbation and other forms of sex...

...FUCK OFF!!!

Each community thinks they are better than the other and they are both so full of shit it isn't even funny. It is time for me to speak out about sex, fucking making love, masturbating or whatever you want to call it.

Why, why, why do so many people from all sides make sex out to be "evil" and something to be repressed? It is the very repression by self righteous, pious zealots that is causing perversions. Repression is causing people to act on impulses in ways that hurt other people.

One of my Facebook friends shared the soul ties bit and asked his readers:

"I would like to hear your thoughts feelings and responses to this post. There is no wrong ones. We are all in this soup together."

My response:

"I would argue that if "we are all one" then really anything you take on from someone else is actually yours anyway.. 😉"

Him:

"in one sense that is true  but this brings it down to a more personal level . I think you feel it different here"

Me:

"To me it feels like a different community but the same song and dance where we demonize women and sex. I am not saying go out and sleep with everything that moves, but why do we have to put so much fear around sex? Why do we have to put this in the lap (womb) of the female and not give equal responsibility for creating balance to the men? The men are participating, afterall. If we were balanced as a society in regard to sexual relationships, I think there would be a natural progression to choosing deeper and more connected sexual relationships. If there was less repression, maybe sex wouldn't be such a hot commodity and sell. Human trafficking is often about sex. And what about priests who take a vow of celibacy and then go out and molest children? Repression of sex and placing fear, guilt, shame, and blame around it is only causing more imbalance. What the author of this share is doing is exactly the same as many of the religious organizations around the globe only with different terminology and different fear tactics. If we were a balanced society, we would teach our children about connection and healthy sexual connections and they would naturally gravitate towards those kinds of relationships. But we are so polarized. We demonize and blame women for their own rapes. This is not an issue for one individual or one gender, but for our entire society to take a look at what we are teaching and putting out there for our young. Our thoughts create and polarization too far in one direction or the other is imbalance."

We crave connection, which is not necessarily romantic love. I believe fully that if we felt more connection in our day to day lives within our community, we wouldn't be seeking it through acts of sex only to feel more empty and less connected when we do. Fear, blame, guilt and shame doled out by religious and spiritual groups are twisting our thoughts and beliefs which, in turn, are holding us hostage from being able to make the leap in evolution collectively we should have made ages ago.

I fully reject the idea of taking on soul ties from all of your sexual partners. Thought and belief create your reality and if you buy into that bullshit, then it will be true for you but not me. And what about sex in the afterlife? You are talking about taking on energy of all the people you have slept with in the physical, but we are nothing but energy in the afterlife and there is plenty of sex and energy merging over there, I can assure you. Why are they not afraid of getting energetic cooties? Because they understand that thoughts and beliefs create.

I would go a step further and propose that the imbalance and repression of sex is what caused STDs to manifest in the first place. I don't think they existed until we started feeling fear, shame, guilt and blame around the act. Illness starts in the energetic body first and later manifests in the physical body. Our feelings and emotions are capable of creating fertile ground for cancer and a whole host of other illness. Our thoughts give illness an energetic permission slip. That is not to say that there are not those who come in to be a canary in the coal mine to show us there is a very serious problem. There are those who agree to go through hell for the purpose of helping those around them learn profound lessons.

Sex creates. Sacred sex is beautiful. What if true sacred sex where there is connection between every chakra and on every level is actually the gateway home? What if it is a key meeting the lock that opens a door to a different realm and a different way of being? I believe that is the case and we are being kept away from opening the door by false information surrounding sex.

Sacred sex requires self love.

Sacred sex requires balance.

Sacred sex requires education and knowledge about empathy and creating healthy connections.

What thoughts and beliefs are you allowing to hold you hostage and which ones will you let go of so you can be free?

Dreaming About Past Lives and Ava Gardner

Let's talk about past lives and how we come to discover our other lives.

There was one time I had two people approach me separately and say they were given the message to tell me to do past life work. I never could afford a regression and I never tried the self regression CD I bought. Later I was told by intuitive Jeannie Barnes that I should start reading about past life work and that where I needed to go would stem from there. She said my guides wanted me to read a specific Brian L. Weiss book. I did read the book my guides mentioned and Dolores Cannon soon followed. Their work opened me like a can of worms... especially Dolores' work.

It was reading those books that made me realize I was dreaming about my other selves pretty consistently, but it wasn't always a scene from that life that I witnessed. Sometimes it was more subtle and bits and parts of personas came through. I have had lots of lives as ordinary people...a slave girl, a boy dying from the plague, a Nazi soldier, a girl who was murdered and buried alive, and an African American girl whose mother abandoned her so she could be with her boyfriend.

I never really had a desire to lay claim to any celebrity personas. So many people do and we all roll our eyes at them, don't we? But you absolutely must follow the clues and breadcrumbs you are being given, even if they land in the lap of a famous person.

That is what happened to me recently. I was following my breadcrumbs from my dreams. Once I dreamed about a guy I adored. I see what I identify as Caesar's Palace and the house of the guy who liked me showed me where he lived and his house had a giant grilled cheese on top. I laughed at the symbol which was kind of a pun..."the big cheese". For some reason I did a search to see if there were any celebrities who liked grilled cheese and the main hit I got was Frank Sinatra. Apparently he loved them and that was the last thing he ate before he died. He also spent a good deal of time performing at Caesar's Palace. I was amused but didn't chase it any further than that.

I can't even remember how or why I later looked up Ava Gardner on a hunch. Maybe it was the dream I had that was set in 1941 that caused me to look up information about her to see if I could find anything that fit. Much to my amazement and surprise, I found information that matched her life in such a way that I was absolutely convinced that she was another aspect and she is very much on board in this current vessel. I shared those dreams on my FB page and Instagram. I sometimes dream AS her like when I was back in London showing my old apartment to someone. This version of me has never lived in London but Ava did. The information was accurate to what I learned about where she lived before she died. I dreamed about having issues with one of my legs and how much harder everything was for me to navigate now. Near the end, Ava had suffered two strokes and her left side took the hit. It is my left side I always injure. Ava had been a heavy smoker and she eventually died from pneumonia. I developed asthma in my 30s from acid reflux. Do you see the parallel?

By klimbims at DeviantArt

So I sat there going, okay, now what? How is her life relevant? Why make me aware now and what do I need to know? I have checked out several books about her and have just started studying her today like a subject in school. 10 chapters into the first book and I see so much of myself in her. She is funny, honest, raw and says "fuck" a lot. What I have come to know about her so far, I love. I love her candor and her personality. Don't get me wrong, she was a class A fuck up, but she was charming. I believe I am supposed to somehow understand why I chose this current life in order to kind of balance out what she had experienced in her life. But that is the key word.... balance. I can see how Ava swung too far in one direction with how sexual she was and I swing too far in the other direction with how frigid I am. I think I somehow need to find the middle and apply it to my life. There might be other things I have to learn and gain about her life as I go deeper into studying her.

Tonight I was rereading a dream I shared in a past blog post. I was stunned to see certain little bits that prove to me I was dreaming through her persona, seeing through her eyes and hearing her voice. It didn't make sense to me before because I knew nothing about the woman then. In the dream I was talking with a southern accent and I couldn't understand why. Also the way I spoke and the terms I used was so Ava. She seemed to call everyone "honey" and would end her sentences this way frequently and I did this in the dream. There are some things I waffle on and am uncertain of in regard to information that comes through in dreams, but this, Ava being one of my other lives, I am absolutely certain of. With each new thing I discover in old dreams, it makes it more solid and concrete.

What are your dreams trying to show you? Do you have another life you are being handed to help you understand your current life? It isn't always easy to extract, but follow your hunches and the bread crumbs.

We are all on a fucking Scooby Doo adventure, honey. The adventure of self discovery that leads us back to ourselves.