I Wonder

I wonder to myself, "What's the point of any of it?"

"It's not about the destination but the journey," they say.

But is it really?

When the journey is so fucked up that parts of you that you love have fled, is the journey really so worthwhile? Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

If we create our own reality and my reality still isn't anywhere near what I would like for it to be, is it just because I suck ass at creating my own reality? 

I don't know.

Eleven years on the "spiritual journey" and I'm still basically in the same life I wanted to free myself from. I see no ending in sight or dramatic changes on the horizon. 

I feel like a slave and I wonder if I will ever be free.

Purple

Photo by Norman Parkinson 

 

Dream Journal Entry: November 6, 2023

Last night I dreamed about being in a place where the person there helped people find new housing that would be a good fit for them. My partner and I seem to be staying there until we find housing. We were sleeping and, when I woke, I saw the guy who was going to find us housing. There are other people here looking for housing, as well. The guy in charge of this seems pretty young, so I was surprised when a young boy comes out who appears to be his son. The placement coordinator is helping his son get ready for school. The boy is holding some sort of figurine type thing that is a Christmas scene. I commented on it and complemented it. I said that I liked it and especially liked the purple Christmas tree.  That's when I started looking around and noticed a pervading purple theme. Purple could be seen in the clothes of some characters and various items. That's when I smiled and said, "I noticed the purple theme in this movie. I really like it." I had a realization that I was calling the dream I was in a "movie". I understood it was a dream but called it a movie.

The man and I discussed some of the housing he had available and talked about a place that some people didn't want to live in because of barking dogs, etc. I told him that wouldn't bother me because I had my own dogs. I told him that I didn't like my current landlord and looked forward to gaining more favorable housing. 

The placement coordinator talked about when he first arrived in Oregon and what it was like finding housing. Apparently he hadn't been there very long, like maybe a couple of years or so. He said he really liked it in Oregon, but finding the right housing makes the experience better.

An older boy who is an older son shows up. Something if being said about him and his behavior sometimes. I remarked that he reminded me of the eldest boy in my nanny family. I think he might have been a young teen and I noticed his hair was a light ginger color. I can't remember anything else.

Loving the Tortoise Within

The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.

55

Today is my 55th birthday.

5 is number of change. Repeating numbers amplify.

This will be my year of major change. 

Doors will close. Chapters will end.

I will open new doors and start new chapters.

Honesty

Photo by Inox Lord

 

For the past couple of days, I've felt near tears frequently. A song will play that makes me feel emotional; some words spoken hit me in such a way that I feel tears welling up spontaneously. I have no idea where this is coming from. I tell myself that maybe it's because it's the one year anniversary of Lily, my cat, dying. 

Everything makes me feel weepy, though, so I ask myself, "Is this even my own sadness I'm feeling?"

Is this your sadness I'm feeling? If so, why do you feel sad? 

If it's because you miss me, well, I miss you, too. I'm just waiting for you to decide to finally be honest with me, come to me as who you really are and open up to me. I don't hate you, even though you probably think I should. 

I love you still.

Foundations

 

Photo by sinisterdigitalart

A foundation built on lies is sure to crumble eventually. 

Did you think I was so gullible that I would just blindly believe all of your lies? 

I was taking mental notes and the math wasn't mathing.

Did I play along? 

Absolutely, but I wasn't all that invested because investing in a work of fiction isn't wise.

I have no doubt that you have other accounts even though you deactivated one today.  That wasn't surprising to me because I usually dream about it happening before it actually does. I saw what transpired today in a dream last night. When you came back after months of silence, I saw it before it happened in a different dream.

You can keep pretending. You can keep catfishing me as often as you want, but spirit will always show me the truth and it will always end with you running away and me rolling my eyes until you decide to take a different path.

Here's a novel idea, friend. Why don't you just come to me as yourself and be honest? And then, maybe, if you want to build a strong foundation towards something more, we can start from there.

Believe it or not, I'm open to starting over with a clean slate if it's done the right way.

Our current trajectory is dead in the water, so if you want "us" to actually go somewhere interesting and real, you need to get busy constructing a sail based in honesty.

If this is goodbye, so be it. May you have a blessed and transformative life.

Thinking Out Loud

I feel like writing something but I don't know what. I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have any lessons or epiphanies to share. 

I do, however, have questions.

I have a lot of questions and no answers, so I will simply talk to myself out loud about what I have been pondering. 

On the morning of July 21st, I had this dream:

I dreamed that the incision at my belly button opened up all the way up my abdomen. I considered the bones were starting to dry out and that maybe I should try to get it closed up at least up to the heart area. 

There was a bit of dream where I was in a room with an adolescent boy but, for some reason, I'm not supposed to be there. So, when someone came into the room, I voluntarily slipped into the back of the closet hoping I wouldn't be discovered. I think I stayed there until I felt it was safe to come out.

There was a bit about protecting a woman I identified as a double agent. She seemed to be working one side but was actually working for a different side. Before I woke fully, I saw a rattlesnake and saw it's rattle being clipped off and I thought "it will strike without warning".

Later, on July 21st, Kevin contacted me on the one IG account I didn't have him blocked. It was a simple "Hiii".

I think that the rattlesnake with the rattle cut off must have been referring to Kevin because his contact was like a strike without warning.

I sent him a wave emoji back.

Silence.

Ten days later, he asked me how I was doing. I debated whether or not to answer. This person, if he actually is who he says he is, is a 16 year old child in the UK, but based on dreams, I am dubious about his identity. 

Am I being catfished? Maybe. It's hard to tell.

This kid is obsessed with me...at least that is the role he is performing. I mean, why would a 16 year old be interested in someone who is in their 50s? It's peculiar if he is really 16, and if he is pretending, I have to wonder why. Why pretend to be a teenager and try to pursue me? Am I being tested? If so, why? If not, I still wonder why.

I had a dream on July 22nd which made me think of Kevin. This bit particularly stood out to me as being about him:

Later, I am somewhere outside and my former boss's kids are with us. I thanked K for driving and told him it was good to see him. I told him. I missed our chats. There was some area where there were ghostly projections and Austin was saying how this was fun and he wished he could stay the night here with us.

The ghostly projections part spoke to me of how his projected fears caused him to ghost me. He begged for a video chat. I finally agreed to it and the day we were meant to have the video chat, he ghosted me and blocked my IG accounts. 

On July 27th a friend contacted me saying that she just heard, "Call me Kevin". 

On July 31st Kevin contacted me again asking how I was doing. I debated whether or not to respond. Should I really reopen this can of worms? I thought to myself if this person really was a kid who has had little stability in his life and no one willing to stay in his life, then ignoring him might actually lead to further emotional damage. Ignoring him would be the opposite of unconditional love. 

I responded and we had a conversation that evening and then, once again, ghostly silence.

It's hard to be mad about something there is no clarity about. 

I thought a lot about the conversation I wanted to have with him if he really is a 16 year old, like telling him that he is just starting his life and mine is heading into it's winter season. He should be with other people more his age and live his life fully. I've lived my life. His is just starting.

I thought about telling him that, if I was ever to have a partner again, I want someone who has lived the same decades as me, someone who also remembers the pop culture of the eras I have lived. I want a partner who cares more about having deep meaningful conversations than simply fucking. Sex, at this stage in my life, really isn't a priority. I crave gentle touches, feeling understood and sharing beautiful moments together like a gentle breeze while snuggling on the beach in front of a fire.

I spent 20 years being married to someone who never gave a fuck about connecting with me on any level. When it came to conversations, it was like talking to a wall. 

I want to FEEL connected to someone and them to feel connected to me. I want to know what it is like to feel passionate about someone. Sexual passion is fleeting. The kind of passion I want to feel is a full heart and feeling like I just can't get enough of someone. I've never felt that, but I want to.

On August 3rd, I completely forgot that I had agreed to work for my boss and simply didn't show up for my shift. While I slept through my shift, I dreamed that I was at work and it was a coworker who hadn't shown up for work. The coworker was the barista supposed to be opening up the front, but because they hadn't shown up, I was going to have to make the coffee as well as bake. I was feeling upset and stressed. Lots of customers were coming in but no coffee was made. I was stating to someone how I had told everyone that I didn't want to do barista work but I was having to anyway.

That morning when I finally woke up and realized my error about my shift, I checked my blog and saw that there had been several new hits on it which could be seen as the "cafe" from the dream and me not having any coffee (something to wake them up) prepared for the customers who were there. I haven't written anything new for awhile because I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel inspired. I have little to say, little to share and zero inspiration for poetry. 

Fast forward to this past Monday.

At work, our milk guy comes every Monday to deliver all the different types of milk we use to make drinks...2%, nonfat, half and half, heavy cream, almond, soy, oat. Every time I see him we exchange hellos but not much more. I didn't even know his name even though I have seen him come and go for months. 

I don't know why I suddenly felt like I should ask him his name, but it just felt weird to not know it by now. He told me his name is Kevin.

LOL

I smiled when I heard his name and asked him if he has ever seen the movie "Jeff, Who Lives at Home". He said he hadn't and I told him that she should, because his name makes me think of that movie which I love.

Follow the Kevins.

I started thinking about the symbolism of Kevin, who brings the milk.

The land of milk and honey.

What is milk and honey to me?

Connection and inspiration, I think.

But who is my Kevin who will bring me milk?

I'm not entirely sure yet, but the recent fire in Maui speaks to me symbolically of destruction and endings. Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire and volcanoes. She burns away the old, but in the wake of the destruction, something new can be born.

Maybe there is a Kevin out there...one who is actually closer to my age...who has had to have a fiery ending before something new can be born between us.

Anything is possible.

The Law of Learning

Photo by Helen Levitt 

I had my morning coffee outside while sitting on a pillow with my feet in the grass as I have been doing, lately, when I have a day off. I've been making a conscious effort to ground and connect with the Earth. I scrolled through Instagram, which I don't often do anymore and suddenly felt the desire to post something, create something, say something. 

This desire to create made me think about a recent dialogue that took place in a chat. I was trying to explain some of my beliefs which were misconstrued as "The Law of Attraction". In the moment, I felt explaining myself to a hostile audience would be pointless, but I pondered to myself about what I believe and practice.

I really hate the Law of Attraction, frankly. It has always rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it's because I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe everything that happens to us we attracted to ourselves. To say that a child attracted to themselves being raped for years by a parent or sold into sex trafficking is just cruel and so many shades of wrong. 

Photo by Sergio Larrain 1952.

I think what I believe is more like "The Law of Learning". LOL for short. 😁

When we have grown and healed enough, we can more easily analyze a shitty situation we have experienced and learn from it when we ask ourselves certain questions. One of the primary things I ask myself is, "What is the symbolism I am seeing?" because I believe we can interpret everything in our lives in exactly the same way we interpret dreams. The first rule of dream interpretation (the first layer) is that everyone in the dream is an aspect of self. 

Once I can see the symbolism before me, I ask myself, "What has this taught me about myself? What have I learned?" 

Obviously, I would never expect a child to be able to process their lives in this way until they are older and able to have a deeper, broader understanding of reality. As adults, I believe it is our responsibility to do what we can to protect the young from harm when and where we can.

Once we reach adulthood, it is in our best interest to learn how to compost. We need to learn how to take all of the shittiest experiences and process it in such a way that it can become fertilizer for the garden that is ourselves. 

Now, there is an art to composting successfully to produce the best results. There will be some things you want to leave out of your shit pile that really won't help you. Blame is one of those things better set aside because it will make it take longer to yield a healthy fertilizer.

One of my issues about the Law of Attraction is that it harps on about vibration and low vibration versus high vibration. "Keep those vibrations high" the followers of Law of Attention will tell you.  

It's bullshit.

Attribution Unknown

The very nature of existence is multi vibrational. Keys on a piano have multiple vibrations to make up a single piano and a song is created by using various vibrations. It's bullshit to think we should always hold a high vibration to experience what we want in life. That's like saying we should only ever play one note on the piano to write the song that is us. 

It's true that our thoughts have the ability to create, but it is also true that the programming of the system we are in is set to make sure we learn by throwing metaphorical barrels at us the same way that Donkey Kong throws barrels at Mario. It's not personal, it's programming.

Then add into the mix that this is a multiplayer platform where we are co-creating as we go along and each player has free will. That means that some of the free will choices another makes ends up being the shit I receive and have to process. I didn't attract it or deserve it but I am a very good composter so I know I can eventually turn the shit I was served into something to help my garden grow.

So yeah, fuck the Law of Attraction. 

I live by the Law of Learning.