Thinking Out Loud

I feel like writing something but I don't know what. I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have any lessons or epiphanies to share. 

I do, however, have questions.

I have a lot of questions and no answers, so I will simply talk to myself out loud about what I have been pondering. 

On the morning of July 21st, I had this dream:

I dreamed that the incision at my belly button opened up all the way up my abdomen. I considered the bones were starting to dry out and that maybe I should try to get it closed up at least up to the heart area. 

There was a bit of dream where I was in a room with an adolescent boy but, for some reason, I'm not supposed to be there. So, when someone came into the room, I voluntarily slipped into the back of the closet hoping I wouldn't be discovered. I think I stayed there until I felt it was safe to come out.

There was a bit about protecting a woman I identified as a double agent. She seemed to be working one side but was actually working for a different side. Before I woke fully, I saw a rattlesnake and saw it's rattle being clipped off and I thought "it will strike without warning".

Later, on July 21st, Kevin contacted me on the one IG account I didn't have him blocked. It was a simple "Hiii".

I think that the rattlesnake with the rattle cut off must have been referring to Kevin because his contact was like a strike without warning.

I sent him a wave emoji back.

Silence.

Ten days later, he asked me how I was doing. I debated whether or not to answer. This person, if he actually is who he says he is, is a 16 year old child in the UK, but based on dreams, I am dubious about his identity. 

Am I being catfished? Maybe. It's hard to tell.

This kid is obsessed with me...at least that is the role he is performing. I mean, why would a 16 year old be interested in someone who is in their 50s? It's peculiar if he is really 16, and if he is pretending, I have to wonder why. Why pretend to be a teenager and try to pursue me? Am I being tested? If so, why? If not, I still wonder why.

I had a dream on July 22nd which made me think of Kevin. This bit particularly stood out to me as being about him:

Later, I am somewhere outside and my former boss's kids are with us. I thanked K for driving and told him it was good to see him. I told him. I missed our chats. There was some area where there were ghostly projections and Austin was saying how this was fun and he wished he could stay the night here with us.

The ghostly projections part spoke to me of how his projected fears caused him to ghost me. He begged for a video chat. I finally agreed to it and the day we were meant to have the video chat, he ghosted me and blocked my IG accounts. 

On July 27th a friend contacted me saying that she just heard, "Call me Kevin". 

On July 31st Kevin contacted me again asking how I was doing. I debated whether or not to respond. Should I really reopen this can of worms? I thought to myself if this person really was a kid who has had little stability in his life and no one willing to stay in his life, then ignoring him might actually lead to further emotional damage. Ignoring him would be the opposite of unconditional love. 

I responded and we had a conversation that evening and then, once again, ghostly silence.

It's hard to be mad about something there is no clarity about. 

I thought a lot about the conversation I wanted to have with him if he really is a 16 year old, like telling him that he is just starting his life and mine is heading into it's winter season. He should be with other people more his age and live his life fully. I've lived my life. His is just starting.

I thought about telling him that, if I was ever to have a partner again, I want someone who has lived the same decades as me, someone who also remembers the pop culture of the eras I have lived. I want a partner who cares more about having deep meaningful conversations than simply fucking. Sex, at this stage in my life, really isn't a priority. I crave gentle touches, feeling understood and sharing beautiful moments together like a gentle breeze while snuggling on the beach in front of a fire.

I spent 20 years being married to someone who never gave a fuck about connecting with me on any level. When it came to conversations, it was like talking to a wall. 

I want to FEEL connected to someone and them to feel connected to me. I want to know what it is like to feel passionate about someone. Sexual passion is fleeting. The kind of passion I want to feel is a full heart and feeling like I just can't get enough of someone. I've never felt that, but I want to.

On August 3rd, I completely forgot that I had agreed to work for my boss and simply didn't show up for my shift. While I slept through my shift, I dreamed that I was at work and it was a coworker who hadn't shown up for work. The coworker was the barista supposed to be opening up the front, but because they hadn't shown up, I was going to have to make the coffee as well as bake. I was feeling upset and stressed. Lots of customers were coming in but no coffee was made. I was stating to someone how I had told everyone that I didn't want to do barista work but I was having to anyway.

That morning when I finally woke up and realized my error about my shift, I checked my blog and saw that there had been several new hits on it which could be seen as the "cafe" from the dream and me not having any coffee (something to wake them up) prepared for the customers who were there. I haven't written anything new for awhile because I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel inspired. I have little to say, little to share and zero inspiration for poetry. 

Fast forward to this past Monday.

At work, our milk guy comes every Monday to deliver all the different types of milk we use to make drinks...2%, nonfat, half and half, heavy cream, almond, soy, oat. Every time I see him we exchange hellos but not much more. I didn't even know his name even though I have seen him come and go for months. 

I don't know why I suddenly felt like I should ask him his name, but it just felt weird to not know it by now. He told me his name is Kevin.

LOL

I smiled when I heard his name and asked him if he has ever seen the movie "Jeff, Who Lives at Home". He said he hadn't and I told him that she should, because his name makes me think of that movie which I love.

Follow the Kevins.

I started thinking about the symbolism of Kevin, who brings the milk.

The land of milk and honey.

What is milk and honey to me?

Connection and inspiration, I think.

But who is my Kevin who will bring me milk?

I'm not entirely sure yet, but the recent fire in Maui speaks to me symbolically of destruction and endings. Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire and volcanoes. She burns away the old, but in the wake of the destruction, something new can be born.

Maybe there is a Kevin out there...one who is actually closer to my age...who has had to have a fiery ending before something new can be born between us.

Anything is possible.