The Time Is Now

Rewriting the Script.

I share this dream for me because I believe the part about going into Laura's Aunt's house was me seeing from the perspective of someone stepping into my inner world and being overwhelmed by the beauty there. That's what I seek in a partner... someone who sees me like this dream...as so beautiful they never want to leave.

Dream Journal Entry: June 9, 2020

I dreamed about finding big dog shit just outside my door. That was dark colored. Then when I turned around and looked on the dresser where I placed my phone, sunglasses and things, there was a fresh pile of light colored dog shit on my phone that I was going to have to clean up. I couldn't believe the dog was able to get up there and take a crap but I never actually saw a dog.

I vaguely recall something about Kurt Cobain. At first he wasn't talking to me and then later he was. There were these tins of Campbell's tomato soup that were rigged to be batteries and they acted as lights. The lights were going out because the energy had run out. I tried to figure out how to make a battery out of a tomato soup can but I couldn't figure it out. I touched the top of the old "batteries" and they started to explode. As one started to spill it's contents, I gathered it up in the old green blanket it was spilling on so that the entire bed wasn't messed up. Kurt or someone said they thought that it was a clever idea to do that.

There was something about Inara really liking a pair of red plaid pants Kurt had and he said she could borrow them. He said he would be back through in 6 months and could always get them back then.

There were parts I seem to have lost that were about music and playfulness but I can't remember specifics.

Later, I dreamed about going with my friend, Laura G, to her aunt's house. There was a secret way in. I thought I would have trouble going through the opening but it was bigger than I expected and I was able to get in with ease. Once inside, I looked around and marveled at how pretty it was. The furnishings were antiques but in good condition. There were lots of products she had sitting about like sweet treats.

We were getting ready to leave and this tiny black woman with loose curly hair came out in pajamas. She was wondering what we were doing there. Laura let her know she was the niece of the woman who lived there. The black woman was following us out. I was looking at her and thought she was just so beautiful and I told her so. She wondered if I was being sincere. I assured her that I was, at which point she invited us back into the house. 

She was talking about how they really liked native American food here and was one of the products being offered. I perused the items on the shelves and thought they were all so lovely. I looked out the window and it was now light outside and I could see a magnificent mountain view. I gasped at how beautiful the view was and said that I could stay here forever. I moved to get a different angle of the view and could see the house was perched on the edge of a cliff alongside a great river. You could feel the wind moving the house slightly. I remember hoping that the house was secured to the cliff so there was no danger of a collapse to the rocks below.

I remember fiddling with some heart shaped sugar cookies on a mantle. I think I wrote on something like a business card and left it among the cookies for the Aunt to find when she came back. I don't remember much else.

Oh yeah, I forgot that it was mentioned that this house was known to be haunted...that spirits were known to come and go. I found this intriguing. There was a particular closet that looked more like a wardrobe that was said to be a haunted spot. Something was said about a stain on the wood that would just keep coming back no matter how many times they tried to clean the wood.

I also remember something about running and jumping through walls. Lynn was with me. She had taken off her outer shoes to reveal barefoot running shoes. I already had socks on that basically served the same purpose.

Rewriting a Love Story

Art by Gustav Klimt

My guides have said that something can happen faster if two people are imagining and wanting the same thing. 

Love and connection has been elusive for me my entire life.

I want to imagine it to make it happen faster, but I have no face, no name to imagine. I don't have enough information and facts and so I imagine nothing and nothing is what I have manifested. 

I don't want to imagine a life with someone who isn't willing to take action towards me and isn't willing to give as much as they take. That doesn't turn me on to imagine that. What kind of life would I have with someone who can't show up for me now? Why would they bother showing up for me in a relationship if they can't muster even a little bit now?

I can't imagine a life with someone who can't find it in themselves to be fully open and honest. That is what I bring to the table and that is what I want to experience in a partner.

I can't imagine a life with someone to whom I can't talk about the things that matter most to me. Being ridiculed and diminished for my beliefs really wouldn't foster a deeper connection. I've already experienced a lot of that and it just causes me to build my walls a little higher, a little thicker.

It's all great and fine to have inner masculine and feminine union, but where is that outer manifestation of it? I thought the outer would follow and it hasn't.

I don't date. I never really have.

I'm not going to go out to look because I don't think that's the way a deep connection will happen. I tend to think a friendship has to be the foundation and then trust has to be built on that.

Passion is lovely, but it's fleeting.

Dear Universe, I'm ready for real connection. Can you hurry up, please? I'm bored of waiting and my faith that it will ever happen is starting to wane.

Hide and Seek

Hide and Seek by Merab Gagiladze

I mostly hide when it comes to selfies. I prefer sharing my internal world. Taking selfies definitely does not come natural for me. Usually when I do take a rare selfie, I don't post publicly. I take them so that my daughter will have pictures of me when I am gone. 

I think what I crave most is for someone to see me, really see me on the inside and fall madly in love with me so much that they can't imagine a life without me. That's why I share so much here.

I'm fairly certain that I am the only person who has fallen in love with the inside me, so it hasn't been all in vain. 

I post a picture of me mostly for me, but I guess it is for any of you who might want to familiarize yourself with my face as it is today.

 

Dead Connections and Yellow Dresses

Art by Masaaki Sasamoto

I was thinking, this morning, about this part of my recent dreams:

There was a weird bit of dream about my daughter dying but then being recycled, as in, she was immediately reborn and I knew she would grow at an exponential rate. I remember her being a baby and nursing her. I also remember in that scene something about a coffee pot showing up in a corner on a counter.

I didn't understand what it meant at the time. Seeing your child die is always disturbing, but I had to think about what it could mean symbolically. A child is born from a connection between two people. In this instance, we could say the connection died quite suddenly. I think the rebirth of her could represent a new connection will come in fast and furious, hence why she was reborn and grew at an exponential rate. Coffee always speaks to me of something that wakes you up. And a corner is a "right angle" so maybe it is saying this new connection, who is fully awake, will be right for me. Maybe this will be someone who comes to the connection as an equal ready to give as much as they take which is why the child...the connection...can grow very quickly.

Last night's dreams seem to confirm that the old connection is dying off.

Dream Journal Entry: March 7, 2022

I dreamed about K again. I was at his house and he is saying he wants to take me and the kids horseback riding. I agreed, but needed to take a bath (get clean) first. His kids also busied themselves with getting clean. I remember using his tub and I am using a green and white striped bar of soap I identify as Irish Spring. I thought I had gotten clean, but then I find myself rubbing some of the soap on my neck even after I had gotten dressed and now I need to go back to the tub and rinse it off. When I got back in the tub, I decided I needed to shave my legs. I'm concerned that time is running out and soon it will be too late to go horseback riding at all. The afternoon light is starting to fade. There is still time, but I have to hurry.

I grab one of J's razors thinking it was mine at first. I was running the razor up my legs but it wasn't getting much of the hair. That is when I realized it was an orange handled, single blade razor that was J's (the relationship isn't cutting it). I then retrieve my own razor which is pink and has 5 blades which does what I am trying to do.  

During trying to find my own razor, I found an empty dildo package that was set away as if in hopes no one would notice. The fact that the dildo was out of the package seems to suggest it had been, in fact, used. To me, this speaks of "he fucked himself".

K wants to give me a dress that belongs to J. It is yellow and has a bright cheerful scene embroidered on the skirt. He says she has had it for awhile but had never worn it all of this time, so he offered it to me. It looked like it would fit, so I agreed and took it with me. I vaguely recall a second dream where I asked J if it was okay if I kept her dress and she agreed she was never going to wear it, saying I could keep it.

I don't remember ever doing the activity that was planned. I just remembered the sense of time slipping away and that if we didn't hurry, it would be too late.

Oh yeah, I also heard, "It was predicted he would be an alcoholic."

Semi Trucks and Playgrounds

Photo by Ali Zolghadri

This post is for me...to document my thoughts and a conversation that led to conclusions and actions to move in a new direction. It's long and likely boring to most of you, so don't bother reading.

I was thinking about the last dream I posted and what a semi truck could represent symbolically. I have a brother and a couple cousins who drive semi trucks as their line of work. I thought about what their jobs involve.

They are hired to go pick up a lot of shit that belongs to someone else and then haul that shit and deliver it elsewhere. I thought about how I have been doing that for a long time... picking up other people's shit and hauling it around. It's not my shit to carry and yet I have still done it. I'm not even getting paid to haul it and yet I still do it.

The part about the little palm sized basket type things that were given out, but taken back later is going to take a little more explaining. The woven aspect of it could suggest a woven little package to "promote" a story or a cause. Baskets also have holes and tiny baskets wouldn't be able to hold much weight, so the promotion or story doesn't hold much weight.  I could clearly see this being about a recent dialogue I had where I have been regularly chatting with someone who uses the nickname, Clown. Turnip was there, too, and I have a hate/hate relationship with that one.

Clown has this story that she tells about having been stalked by Keanu Reeves, but if anyone else comes in saying something similar, she works to discount their experience, thus, invalidating them.  This was something that happened to me early on when I noticed weird shit was happening on my phone and things I had talked about in private conversations turned up in chat. It was like it was some kind of game and yet gaslighting took place regularly. Somehow Clown is supposedly the only one with a valid stalking story. 

We have had our disagreements, but I felt like I would boomerang back there every time I tried to leave. I didn't understand it. I left for about four months but eventually found my way back to that chat. Granted, I have learned a great deal about myself and gotten many lessons there, but, recently, it has been feeling more and more like my time there is drawing to a close. Last night's dialogue just solidified that feeling and turned it into fuel to take that action.

This is some of the dialogue that made me decide to take action in walking away from both the chat and carrying around other people's shit for them, including Keanu's:

turnip: will you guys post the new blind on IG or is it too hot topic?

red: Which one?

turnip: the one about Ripley

red: Already did.

turnip: oh ok sorry didnt see it

red: Clown didn't.

red: She doesn't want to drag Ripley.

turnip: neither rose

red: Has a soft spot for the kid.

turnip: "kid" 

red: I, however, feel like she is just like the beat poet trash already, so I did a whole series.

clown: I don’t like Ripley, but if she was abused, I don’t want to be part of taking her down any further.

clown: She’s sort of a non factor to me in relation to Keanu unless he was responsible in any way with her abuse.

clown: I guess I want to know more before taking out the goddaughter. I see her still in this adolescent phase.

clown: Or if he was involved in suppressing her abuse. That would interest me.

red: Isn't she nearly 30?

turnip: yes shes 30 I think

red: I say "kid" because she has arrested development like Keanu.

clown: But she behaves like an adolescent still rebelling.

red: Keanu is still in an adolescent stage, too.

red: Should I take it easy on him? 

turnip: it always makes me angry how in every job there was someone who was always causing trouble, working less, argued about everything and all I heard was "oh come on, you know hem/her" but when it came to me it was expected to be perfect

clown: He’s beyond repentance.

turnip: so when I see someone close to my age being assumed as a child, Im very annoyed

clown: Ripley still has her life ahead of her.

turnip: especially when they have privilege

turnip: and Im not downplaying the fact that she was molested

clown: I think she needs therapy while she’s still young. I don’t think she ever sought it out after she talked about abusing her gf.

turnip: she thinks shes a communist...shes uneducated and delusional so I dont see how she would seek actual therapy by an actual professional

red: She is having porn parties, encouraging drugs, paid sex. I have zero sympathy and will not spare her

clown: Again, very adolescent leanings in frame of mind.

turnip: yes absolutely

red: So is Keanu.

turnip: thats why it makes me angry

turnip: almost every job Ive had I had to accept that way more would be expected of me, all the while someone like her was excused for everything because "you know her/him...its like that"

clown: But I don’t see how bringing her in the picture is going to show a reason to attack Keanu.

clown: He’s her godfather, not her father.

clown: Is she the same as Hag? I’m not sure.

turnip: me neither at this point. I agree to that with you, I just imagines that more [eople would at least reposted the blind

turnip: thats what I found strange.

turnip: I mean everyone was reposting every other blind except this one thats why I asked

clown: I guess because the blind was out of left field like the Amanda and Rose Mcgowen being murderers and Keanu stalking Charlize. It came off to me like those blinds.

clown: The other blinds were blinds I sent to Enty or others talking about the charity sent in.

turnip: the thing is that erything mentioned in the blind is actual info found in Ripleys sm...so its not fake or something

clown: Those other blinds came from us, this one I have no idea.

clown: But Ripley also hasn’t said anything that hasn’t been somewhat vague.

turnip: maybe you think those came from you...maybe at the same time some other source was sending the same blind as you

turnip: and maybe the same source sent this one

clown: Could be, but we know those other blinds were from this camp.

clown: But I haven’t heard anyone talk about Keanu abusing Ripley in our camp.

clown: That’s why I said this came as a surprise out of left field.

turnip: thats why Im saying that maybe this camp just happened to be aligned with the source

clown: I can’t believe that entirely based on the older really whack blinds.

turnip: there was a halt in K blinds though wasnt there? and the they started again after the keanusance

clown: If Keanu did something to Ripley, I would hope she comes out with it.

clown: The Amanda/Rose one was right before Keanussance

turnip: maybe all this nice guy aggressive campaign is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

clown: I’m not sure when the Charlize one was

clown: It could be. @turnip: is a precaution in case Ripley speaks

turnip: like "look im a nice guy, you know me, now look at her...disturbed"

clown: Not sure the public will believe him over his Goddaughter if she came out.

turnip: and maybe AG is Ks agent to Ripley to encourage her to shut up with her manipulative talk

turnip: @clown I believe the public would believe K

clown: Part of them would, but another part would not and he would be cancelled.

turnip: unfortunately K has turned me into a very pessimistic person and I dont trust people anymore

clown: If it’s true, will she say anything or risk being cut out of his trust?

turnip: so I believe he has very good chances to come out of it unspoiled

turnip: or maybe she won't say anything, she will just keep hinting on it causing him lethal stress that will take him out

turnip: if its true, he deserves it

clown: I think if there is something, she’s too scared to get cut out of the money to say it outright.

turnip: very likely

turnip: anyways gotta go

clown: Have a good one.

turnip: I expect the worst from K

turnip: you too

turnip: you too have a good one I mean 

_______________________

I sat stewing, feeling frustrated at the holes and things Clown was now trying to take back. I thought about it all and how I was going to carefully word what I wanted to say.

_______________________

red: Double standards are a slippery slope. If you are keen on posting blinds and saying that the CDAN information is legit, you can't then take it back by saying this other one out of left field isn't legit. Don't believe that one but believe this one. Don't go after this person because they are basically an adolescent rebelling but go after this one who is doing exactly the same thing. You gotta do what you feel is right and I guess I do, too, which means no double standards.

clown: You can’t take Enty seriously period. He posts whatever for the most part. He’s the only one who will actually post our stuff.

clown: I take blinds individually.

clown: Just based on what Enty has posted in the past, I have to scrutinize. He will post any gossip.

clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize or that Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? It’s out there.

clown: But the charity shit from Hag and the pap calling isn’t left field. We have more to go on.

clown: This is what I’m doing. I’m not going to go down Ripley’s rabbit hole until I get some sense of who she is talking about and how that impacted her life. From what I gather so far, she feels like Brenda and/or Keanu suppressed her emotions in relation to her abuse. @red: You gotta do what you feel is right

clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though?

red: @clown: Do you actually believe Keanu stalked Charlize interesting considering part of your thing is that he stalked you. If he is, in fact, a voyeur of you, why would it not be possible that he stalks multiple people?

red: @clown: Amanda and Rose got together to murder Jennifer? yes, I definitely believe Amanda had ill intent and have no doubt she could persuade a bestie to help clear the place next to Keanu.

red: These are all people with no moral compass.

red: @clown: I do see a girl rebelling and acting out as a result of suppression and abuse. What happened though? and I see a boy in Keanu rebelling who was also abused, neglected and many other horrors, but I am still holding the boy and the man accountable for their poor choices. I will do the same for the goddaughter. If she follows in his footsteps, she will go on to repeat what was done to her. In fact, she already has by admitting she was physically abusive to her girlfriend.

red: A 30 year old woman close to the Target is fair game.

red: We should just hope she ODs before she reproduces and does the shit to her own kid only repeating the cycle.

red: She is a drug addict that supports and encourages that lifestyle.

clown: I don't even post all of entys blinds. He's just a tool for getting our shit that no one else will post out. He's not the voice of truth.

red: I see.

clown: I think Keanu is too much of a coward to stalk someone in power like him. Plain and simple, he looks for weak targets.

clown: Might be why he doesn't date peers.

clown: He's a predator seeking easy prey who he deems weak.

clown: What has Ripley done that is criminal?

red: Anyone who hacks and violates the privacy of others would have no issue hacking anyone, especially peers he feels are better than him.

clown: No wait, she did abuse her ex and should pay for that.

red: Selling sex and drugs are illegal.

clown: Hacking other elites is more risky.

clown: Well I don't have a pribi with selling sex or drugs. I'm libertarian in that respect.

red: I do.

clown: That's my standpoint so I think the only thing she needs to pay for is the abuse of her ex. That means more to me.

red: I don't claim any political party.

clown: I'm independent but I align with parties on some issues.

clown: I posted an excerpt from her book on the forum. I haven't finished it, but I will read it to see if she reveals anything.

red: Big business, big government and organized religion are basically the same. Greedy motherfuckers who want money and power.

clown: I don't believe in incriminating drug users or sex workers.

clown: We need to fight the system, not the victims.

red: Victims?

clown: And I don't believe Keanu is a victim.

red: How is a drug user a victim?

clown: Addiction isn't always a choice.

red: It is.

clown: It's a disease.

clown: Prostitution isn't always a choice. It's survival for some.

red: It's only a disease when it eats your brain, your liver, your kidneys. Then it is a disease. Until then, it is a choice.

clown: We need to help these folks, not persecute them.

red: Maybe we should feel sorry for Keke.

red: Not persecute him.

red: He had it in his genes.

red: Both of being a whore and a drug addict.

clown: It's genetic and nurture.

clown: But he has his whole life to get help and he didn't.

red: Ripley is going down the same path.

clown: And supporting hag has nothing to do with drug abuse.

red: Ripley supports hag, too.

clown: Then that's her path.

red: They are besties giving facials to each other.

clown: Supporting perjury and his fake PR has little to do with alcoholism.

red: You could say all of his poor judgements are due to reduced brain function as a result of long term drug use and alcoholism.

clown: I guess I really don't care about Ripley. Her ex needs to out her.

clown: His poor character is just him. Alcoholism is a consequence.

red: It literally shrinks and damages the brain. They don't think right.

red: If he has been an alcoholic since he was 17....

clown: My dad made it through alright. Not all of them do but he kept a level head.

clown: For me, it's more about character. Not all alcoholics and addicts are bad people. Keanu is a bad person.

red: I had to go next door to my neighbor's house because their young girls were crying because mommy and daddy wouldn't wake up.

clown: Keanu also is a drunk driver.

red: They left a fire going, the dog was outside.

red: Normally the mom wakes for everything.

red: But not last night and it terrified the girls.

red: They didn't even wake up when I rang the doorbell and came in.

clown: Yes, there are horrible drunks out there and child endangerment is a crime.

red: Both alcoholics and both having taken prescription medication on top of it. They were afraid they had died.

red: The girls.

red: They are 9 and 7.

clown: And this is a common story.

red: Unfortunately.

clown: It's horrible. Addiction is horrible.

red: It's still a choice.

red: It's a choice to be in denial.

red: It's a choice to take another drink.

red: It's a choice not to get help.

clown: It's a choice to not get help.

clown: Jinx

red: Lol

clown: That was eerie

red: Yeah. Lol

red: Anyway, maybe I'm just triggered and this is my own skewed lens, but it is what it is.

clown: I need to hit the TV and catch up on the news. I've been hooked on dalai Lamar all day and don't know what else is going on.

clown: I do have a different perspective because of my father.

red: Happy news watching.

red: Bye.

clown: Have a good night, or hellish one!

red: Thanks. Ditto.

___________________________

I'm a firm believer in practicing what I preach. The high morals and standards I hold other people to, I also hold to myself. If I am being hypocritical and not doing as I say I believe, then I make adjustments and admit my errors. Double standards are a deal breaker to me and the conversation just left all kinds of holes that didn't sit well with me.

Do I think that pushing PR that professes someone is such a nice guy who really isn't is okay? Absolutely not! 

Do I think it is okay for a guy to be driving drunk on a regular basis and getting away with it? Absolutely not! 

Do I think said person is in dire need of help? Absolutely!

Do I naturally care about people and want to help people? Absolutely and to my own detriment.

After the dream from last night and saying how glad I was that I don't have to deal with the semi truck anymore was showing me that I was finally ready to leave the job of hauling other people's shit. I was finally ready to not take on other people's shit as my responsibility.

Keanu's shit is his responsibility, not mine. 

I like to talk a lot about choices and, in this case, I have a choice to put the load down that I willingly took on but wasn't mine. I have a choice to set it down and walk away.

The chat that has become my own addiction I have a choice to walk away from and end the addiction. What I crave is real connection and I will never get it at that playground.

The deep blue car I was sitting in while it warmed up was about me warming up and thinking about everything that I wanted to say about all of this. I need to put it in written form so that, when I start to forget, I can come back here and remind myself why I walked away.

Do I care about Keanu's well being? Absolutely, but his healing is his responsibility. I don't want to be anyone's crutch and so I will discontinue trying to help him via badbleubunny and anywhere else.

I deserve a life with real connections with real people who want to step up to the plate and be equally present for me as I am for them. I won't settle for dishonest, double standard sort of people, no matter how much I like them. I deserve to have people in my life who have high morals, integrity and actively seek to heal and grow.

If I settle for faceless anon people who are noncommittal and not very invested emotionally, that is all I will ever get. I have to let go of what no longer serves me so that what is for my highest good can reach me.

I like Clown, but I think Clown sees the people she talks to exactly as she sees CDAN... As simply a tool for her to use for her purposes. It's unfortunate because I really like Clown, yet I can never imagine her letting anyone close enough to know her real identity. I can't imagine her ever having a conversation with me on the phone or in person.

I've had fun at her playground. I've grown, I've developed, but it's time for our paths to diverge because I no longer feel like Keanu is my problem or responsibility.

Live and let live.

I start a new chapter today.

Diana Hunting by Guillaume Seignac

Taking Things Back, Going Home

Photo by Yevgeny Khaldei, Kiev, 1969

Dream Journal Entry: March 6, 2022

I dreamed about being at some sort of event, some function. It was near the end of the event and I was making preparations to leave. I was getting ready to go back to Oregon and I was very happy about it. I was looking forward to being back home in Oregon. I was packing up my stuff and going through things, discarding what I didn't need or want. My partner and child were there, as well, and they were also packing up to leave. Sometimes it feels like a campground and all the campers are preparing to pack up and leave. As I am making my way out, I find these small little woven basket-like things that had been given out as party favors or promotion and they had been left behind by people. I was going to take one but the woman who had given them out wanted to take it back and keep it to reuse for later. Each one I found, she wanted to take back from me. It was confusing because she had given them out for people to take home, but was now taking back what was discarded by others. Her adult daughter and I made eye contact and she made a face that suggested she knew and understood my confusion. She said her mom did this all the time. She didn't like it and it was embarrassing. I had this sense that the woman who made the tiny woven baskets also did tarot readings and the daughter indicated that they were never any good or right. So, I left the baskets and started to make my way out.

I come upon a trans woman I identify as Lexi. She is someone I was asked to talk to in real life, which I did briefly. I said hello to her and blurted out, "you are just so beautiful!" At which point, I leaned in and kissed her lips and my hand made it's way down to her crotch to touch her ever so briefly. I was so shocked and surprised at what I just did that I pulled away quickly, apologizing. I said, "I don't know why I just did that. I'm not a spontaneous, impulsive person, especially with physical contact. That was so unlike me. I'm sorry." Lexi smiled and said it was okay and not to worry. We continued to stand very near each other and it was clear that there was interest on both sides. I suddenly remembered it was her birthday and wished her a happy birthday, giving her a hug as I exited the building. 

I remember hearing the number 1228. I wondered if it was the date of her birthday, 12/28. But then remembered it was March and 12 is December.

As things were getting sorted in the pulled trailer that was like an RV, I went to wait in the car that seemed to be sitting separate on the street by a playground. I noticed adults doing cartwheels and playing at the playground. I remember thinking that I was happy to be leaving the semi truck. I don't understand what that means, just remember thinking that. 

The car was dark blue. I got in the back seat and started the car to warm it up. As I sat there waiting to leave, two older women got in the car and started drive it away. I got upset and asked them what they were doing, that it wasn't their car. The driving woman seemed to indicate she was just going to give a ride home to the other woman, but I didn't trust her and told her absolutely not. This was not okay because I didn't want to be separated from my family who I had been waiting for. I reached over the seat and grabbed the wheel, forcing the car to go back to where it had been parked. I threatened to call the police and have them arrested. I remember seeing a map and needing to drive all the way up from the lower part of California to get to Oregon. It felt like a long way to go but it wasn't ask long now, because I had been much further away at one point.

There was a weird bit of dream about my daughter dying but then being recycled, as in, she was immediately reborn and I knew she would grow at an exponential rate. I remember her being a baby and nursing her. I also remember in that scene something about a coffee pot showing up in a corner on a counter.

I can't remember anything else.

Asking For Help Part Two

Photo by Sergio Larrain, Peru, 1960

Facing our shadows, who we are, who we have been, can be difficult. It's tempting to turn away and pretend that shadow isn't there. But shadows have a tendency to follow us wherever we go, so it is usually best to face them, get to know them and understand what they are trying to show us and allow them to help us grow so that they can be an asset instead of something lurking threatening to destroy us.

When my guides were talking about you finding it difficult to ask for help, I didn't understand how dire the situation is for you. I didn't understand that the difference between asking for help and not asking is life and death.

Maybe you want to die and that is your choice. Your current path of addiction will surely lead you there, shortly, if you stay on it. I can't help you with chemical addictions. You need professional, experienced help for that. You can't do it alone without assistance. All I can help you with is being a supportive friend on the journey back to living and sobriety. I can be a sober friend who isn't going to tempt you back to that lifestyle. You can't keep the same friends if you want to live a sober life. You know that. A big shift and change needs to take place in order to be successful with sobriety.

“How is being Bleu being a supportive friend?" you might wonder. He's busting your chops and not telling you only what he thinks you want to hear. Everyone around you tells you what you want to hear. He is telling you what you need to hear and shining a light on the issues you need to address. He loves you in his own prickly bad bunny way.

The bottom line is, all of us inside this vessel care about you. All of us hope you choose life and choose to get clean and sober. 

For the love of Jennifer, River, Ava....and even your father, ask for help to get sober so you don't end up like those who left too soon.

You know how to reach me should you want to.

Pet Crocodiles

Dream Journal Entry: March 1, 2022

I dreamed about a goat that was sleeping in Inara's bed with her. I thought it was a bad idea, but she liked the goat. The goat shit all over her pillow. I considered it would need to be cleaned up. The goat didn't even belong to her. It was someone else's and I led the goat outside to whom it belonged to.

Later, I am seeing a guy. He has blonde thinning hair. He seems nice and pleasant enough. His job is related to money somehow. I can't say for sure what his job title is, but I went to see him personally. People didn't usually do this. They usually only talked to him on the phone or online. I went to see him because he had helped me out somehow and I just wanted to visit with him. In the process, he had a crocodile he had been keeping at his place and I accidentally let it out. It went into a bigger body of water and another crocodile started chasing his. I was trying to get the crocodile back to this guy's place, but I couldn't get him back and he disappeared into the water. 

I remember sitting and talking to him. He was asking if I needed more money, saying he can load it onto my card if I need more. I told him that I was good and didn't need more money, that I had just come to visit with him. I can't remember our conversation or if he was upset about his crocodile disappearing.

I remember being somewhere with someone I identify as Sarah. She is cleaning up because she is getting ready to move. I thought I would help her and sprayed a bunch of Windex on a mirror and over the things laying out on the nearby shelf. It turned everything blue, which I started to wipe down. Another female comes in and I think is there to help as well. 

Now the guy from earlier is here, as well. There was something about some foundation being put on my face that I think he is trying to sell and he is saying he hopes we will make it worth his time and actually buy something from him. This foundation covered the blemishes but seemed to take awhile to dry and when it did, I was able to peel it off like a face mask, which I found unusual.

When I woke, I thought about a book cover I remembered seeing that had a rabbit and crocodiles on it. It made me think about how BadBleuBunny seems to have lost his crocodile since he posted some older thoughts I had shared previously. That man-eater seems to have disappeared quite suddenly.

I went on to find out what the story 'The Hare of Inaba' was about, which was interesting, but I'm not sure how relevant it is other than the idea of creating a bridge to get me from one location to another on the journey.