Left, Right and Building Bridges

I have shared this before. I altered it so that the jar says "poop" instead of "happiness" and thought it was hilarious. But today, it aptly illustrates what I am feeling and thinking about because we have created a lot of poop on this side of reality.

We think we are the "living" side and when we die, we go to the land of the dead...the other side. But, in actuality, we are the side of inanimate objects, physicality and solid objects as is mentioned and illustrated in the video I shared today. The side of death. We are inhabiting the left hemisphere of a brain.

The right, the other side, is the living side.

Think of the phrase "in living color" because this accurately describes what those who have "died" aka crossed over to the other side have seen. They all describe it as being so much more vibrant in color and none of the limitations of our current physicality.

When pets die, we often say they crossed "the rainbow bridge". But what is the rainbow bridge really? I believe it is the corpus callosum which is the bridge between the two hemispheres and creates the communication pathways between the two sides. Our corpus callosum is damaged because the communication between the two sides is extraordinarily limited. We rely on mediums and channels to communicate for us and their perception of the information coming in is limited, at best. It is left up to interpretation and filters.

We get dreams, signs and syncs as Communication from the other hemisphere. We are playing charades with the right side. They are giving us pictures and we are trying to interpret their meaning.

This video illustrates what happens when the communication line is severed.

See? Pictionary and charades for the right hemisphere and verbal for the left hemisphere.

It is a crap shoot, at best. Sometimes we get it right and sometime they are left throwing more and more images at us to help us understand.

I think many of us have come here from the right hemisphere to help build a bridge. The rainbow bridge, the corpus callosum, collapsed and we have to rebuild it from the inside out. Meaning, we have to balance ourselves internally first. We have to desire having a connection with the other side and want it so fervently that we do whatever it takes to make it happen.

I fully believe that as we balance, lines will blur everywhere. I think a symptom of the more balanced we become is not really identifying with one gender or the other but with both simultaneously. This will look like people who are comfortable wearing dresses and make-up one day, and business suits the next. Maybe they will wear make-up while wearing the business suit.

In dreams I see myself as both male and female. Sometimes I see myself as a hermaphrodite. Lines HAVE to blur if we want to balance, evolve and connect with the other side to create an entirely new and better reality. So, if you are having these feelings and inclinations, congratulations! You are more evolved and make us one step closer to restoring communication. You have become the foundation of the corpus callosum...the rainbow bridge.

That love for those in the right hemisphere is what will recreate the "rainbow bridge" and restore our communication lines.

And it will CHANGE EVERYTHING as we currently know it.

Everyone who has been talking about an event happening describe a rainbow cloud coming in and sweeping over everything. What if the event is simply a result of the bridge being successfully rebuilt so that our "two worlds" join as one harmonious place?

I have maintained that "in the beginning God created" and it was one man who was connected to a machine...a virtual reality...and it is his brain we are inside. Others came in after his connection was established and we all got lost and stuck inside of him and the machine. When we repair the corpus callosum, we get to go home to who we really are outside of all of this.

Do you remember who you really are yet?

"Wake up, Alice! It is time to come home."

This image is of the Gabriel Dawe Rainbow at the Toledo Museum.

Suffering and Struggles, The Biggest Lie We Tell Ourselves

Art by Chie Yoshii

I find it interesting when people talk about the "cabal" and those at the top that wish to do us harm. There is no doubt that, seemingly, awful things take place in this world, but today I want to try to give you a different perspective.

We hear so much about artificial intelligence and various people warning against it because it might take over. So much progress is being made with AI today as well. We are finally to a point in evolution that we can understand some of the technology in order to completely understand how to get ourselves out of the pickle we are currently in. Can you imagine Jesus trying to explain some of this stuff before technology was common?

I won't stop saying this.

We are in a virtual reality.

You think it is real but it isn't.

The virtual reality IS artificial intelligence. This game is The Sims on crack. Like with the Sims, some avatars have an actual live player operating it and other times you can opt to have a computer generated interaction.

AI already did take over, but not in the way you might imagine.

Art by Chie Yoshii

In here we are seeing history repeat.

We are very nearly to a point of creating a similar virtual reality playground within this reality...which would essentially be a dream within a dream.

But, there are still parameters and rules the machine has to follow. So, should someone complete the game or enough of us realize what I have come to understand and we choose our real lives, the veil drops and all go home.

If some of the characters are computer generated, they are essentially AI. But how do you know whether or not you are AI? I think the only way you would know is if you dream about life outside of this place. An avatar doesn't necessarily die when the core leaves. I think it can live on. Which is why I am obessessed with making sure this body is destroyed before the me at the core leaves because I would seemingly just go on and have no knowledge of the departure of the core and I would be left in suffering. "I" being ego....the character and identity of the avatar. The body must be destroyed.

I think the destruction of earth isn't what most people think it is. The people doing it think it is for control, but the people on the other side pulling those strings are likely doing it to help speed up us waking up for real out of the game. The sense of hopelessness actually creates people who let go of attachments and look to discover what they believe comes after. It actually triggers a spiritual journey.

Art by Christian Schloe

People have to die in order for our pieces to come back together. Call that population control from a muggle perspective or call it a necessary step in getting the fuck out of here. Our consciousness became fractured to perfrom many roles, but now needs to come back together.

Part of the problem with AI is that it still has its programming it follows and it was told to create reality from what people think. So it complies without consideration for what is happening. Just cry "uncle!" when it gets too much obviously wasn't part of the program. So, when people started to believe that we need suffering and struggles to grow, suffering and struggles are what the machine gave us. It gave us more and more suffering so that it was impossible to complete the game; so much suffering that people started to kill themselves more and more in various ways... addictions, risky behaviors, and actually pulling the trigger.

We don't actually need to suffer or struggle to learn. We can learn from it for sure, but we don't actually need it. It isn't the only way to get there. Learning from suffering and struggles is making fertilizer out of shit...but it isn't the only way we can fertilize our gardens...it is just, people now believe it is.

If you were to take two babies or two plants and you gave one suffering and struggles and the other nothing but love and all of their needs were met, which do you suppose would fare better?

Studies have shown over and over again that the baby who experiences love and has all of their needs met fares far better mentally, emotionally, and developmentally. The plant who doesn't have to struggle and isn't mistreated, flourishes and is fuller, healthier and bears more fruit.

So why, then, do you still believe you need to suffer and struggle to grow and learn?

Change your thoughts and beliefs, put it into active practice, and you will help change this collective reality entirely.

***A special shout out to my very dear friend, Cynthia, for sharing the video that inspired the dialogue we had privately that basically became this blog post.

Alice and the Three Mad Hatters, Unconditional Love

Illustration by John Tenniel

What if...

...once upon a time...

...Alice went back into Wonderland after she married and had children? What if she went into Wonderland to fetch her children who were very late for dinner? Maybe her husband was there as well and decided to play a game with Alice to find out just how much she really loved him.

Alice made claims she would love him no matter what form he came in, so Mr. Alice decided to take this opportunity to see if this was, indeed, true.

Mr. Alice then appeared first as a beautiful prince who dies tragically, but he comes back in the form of a formless energetic being. Alice recognizes his energy and vows her undying love. He tells her he is coming back to a body to be with her and he will guide her to show her which one. She agrees, even though she thinks she could be content with him as an energy blob.

He tells her that she will have to help him remember when she finds him. Again, she quickly agrees to the task because she is eager to be reunited with her partner.

Mr. Alice provides a bunny who poops Scooby Doo clues. She is supposed to collect the poop clues in her basket that she carries her little black dog in and she hopes her little dog doesn't eat the bunny poop. As it happens, there in the Pacific Northwest part of Wonderland, all the forest animals poop chocolate covered toffee. True story.

Art by Naoto Hattori

Alice gathers her clues and is led to a Mad Hatter. "This is him! This is the body I am in!" the clues suggest to Alice. And so she sets off trying to help him remember. This Mad Hatter is tiny, almost gnome sized, and he is a bit of a hoarder. He likes things and collects things....lots of things But Alice believes in her heart that her beloved husband is inside this Mad Hatter and she tries and tries to reach her husband inside. She opens her heart to this tiny Mad Hatter and loves him deeply, but this Mad Hatter loves his things and ended up marrying a vulture princess.

Alice didn't want to give up, even when the Scooby Doo clues started pointing in a new direction. She followed the clues but kept trying to reach the spark inside the tiny Mad Hatter. Alas, when it was clear he could not possibly be her beloved partner, she made her departure.

The second set of clues led to a tall pretty Mad Hatter. She was very pretty, indeed, but Alice had never been with a woman before. She had never really been inclined in that direction and so she was faced with a decision to move forward into new territory or stay with what was familiar. This is where her clues led her, so surely this is actually where her beloved partner must be... inside this body. And so, as it goes, she chose to venture into new territory and imagined a happy life with this tall beautiful female Mad Hatter.

Once again she opened her heart and loved.

Art by Christian Schloe

Sadly, this Mad Hatter wanted nothing to do with Alice even though she was inexplicably drawn to her. It was hard to leave this one when the clues started leading her, once again, to a new Mad Hatter. But it was more painful to stay and be ignored than to take her leave.

At this point Alice was very tired and sad. The clues were leading in a new direction and she wasn't sure if she could open her heart one more time to love a new Mad Hatter that may or may not contain the essence of her beloved husband. She followed the clues only to find this Mad Hatter was very, very famous. Paparazzi and fans follow him eveeywhere he goes. If he sneezes or scratches his ass, it makes the headlines.

Upon discovering this, Alice cried out, "Fuck this shit! I am going home!"

She considered that the clues must be wrong and she put them all together once again but they led right back to this very famous Mad Hatter. She decided she would try to learn about him and see what he was about. To her surprise, she discovered this Mad Hatter was very kind and compassionate. The more she learned about him, the more she started to love him. But when she would imagine spending time with him, she would see paparazzi hiding in the bushes and fans interupiting to meet him, she would think, "I can't do this," and the imagining would dissipate.

Art by Stephen Mackey

The rabbit she had been following noticed she was no longer following and stopped to look at Alice.

"Don't you want to be reunited with your husband?" asks the rabbit.

"Of course! But I don't know if I can bear that kind of life again. I just want a simple life without struggle or complication." she replied.

Rabbit put a front paw under his chin and started thumping a back paw as if deep in thought then said, "So your love for him has conditions?"

Alice's eyes grew wide and she could feel an "ah ha" moment rushing through her. It  was as though she could hear her husband whispering in her ear, "How much do you love me? How far would you go to be with me?" It was then she understood all of it had been a test to see if she could love him no matter what his form or the circumstances she would find him in.

It was at that moment she realized she really could endure a life with a super famous Mad Hatter if that is where he was.

But really....her dearest wish was that they could go home and be together there so they could be who they really were and not the pretend characters they were performing in Wonderland.

Alice and Mr. Alice collected their children and left Wonderland once and for all and lived happily ever after.

Artist Unknown

How open would YOU be for love?

Would you love someone of the same gender if you typically prefer the opposite gender?

Would you love someone of the opposite gender if you typically prefer the same gender as yourself?

Does your love have conditions?

Can you grow past those conditions?

Mary, Isa, Perspectives and Role-playing Games

Image found here.

I think I need to make something very clear since Allison Coe shared my blog post in her YouTube community and my page has had thousands of hits since then.

I need to address my personal perspective.

I believe we are in a virtual reality playground.

None of this is real....not even the lives of Mary and Isa (Jesus).

Image found here.

With that said, I do believe there are different story arcs with specific directions the storyline can go depending upon our personal free will choices we make. Just like with any RPG, the outcome can be vastly different based on our personal choices.

Think of this place we call Earth as Roblox (on crack), the adult version. In Roblox there are so many choices and new options being added all the time. The Isa and Mary story is simply a single option and is what I like to call the "Tunnel of Love" or "Twin Flame Game". If you feel you are being drawn or guided to their story, then it is pretty likely you too are part of a team that entered that RPG together and you have your very own version of the Mary and Isa story to tell.

My version of the Mary and Isa story is just that....mine.

Don't look to it as YOUR truth unless you are a member of my team playing this shit out with me. My story might resemble yours. If you are being triggered emotionally, look closer to those triggers because it is trying to show you something. Don't stop seeking to understand and learn about your own story if you feel like you were one of the characters during the crucifixion. If you feel like you are trying to connect with a twin flame, look closely at the clues and information that is coming into you about how you played out one of those roles and tell your story if you feel that is your therapy.

I can only show you how I was able to piece together my version of the story. I can't give you any of your pieces. My story isn't yours.

In an RPG, limitless numbers of people can play out a specific role.

Were you Mary too? Were you Isa or Joseph? Maybe you were a thief on a cross. Whatever it is you feel drawn to, follow that string and unravel your own story so that you can get to the prize at the end of it....

...happily ever after.

Everyone's "happily ever after" can look just as different too.

Maybe your happily ever after looks like independence and freedom.

Maybe you save yourself by finding your way back to you.

Taboo Relationships, Secrets Revealed, Letting Go

Sometimes, in order to let go of something, we first need to shine a light on it, reveal it and dissect it and let it bleed out. Only then can we release what we have been avoiding but carrying with us from lifetime to lifetime.

After my QHHT session yesterday with Allison Coe, there has been so much brewing inside of me that I know needs to be talked about.

It doesn't matter if anyone ever reads this.

It doesn't matter if anyone believes me.

It doesn't matter what people think of me after I share it.

I am not interested in your version of this tale. I don't need you to comment with anything you may have gotten from the characters I will talk about today.

I write today as therapy and as a way of releasing the mountains of pain that has followed me from lifetime to lifetime and has kept me a prisoner....a damsel in distress in a tower made up of all of her fears, loneliness and pain.

Today I release her.

The only past life that was revealed is the one where all of my health problems are rooted. It is similar to trying to cut down blackberries. If you don't take out the roots too, the blackberries will just keep coming back and take over eventually.

I was surprised by the intensity of emotion that gripped me during my session. It gripped me so intensely throughout the session that I could only cry sometimes. I could feel my whole body tense up spontaneously and the profound sadness, grief and loneliness leaked out of my eyes. When I sat up after the session ended, I felt dazed but also my heart was literally in pain. Near the end of the session, I felt my head starting to hurt and on the drive home, both sides of my jaw hurt. Later that night, a migraine kicked in and I still have it today. Is this my body trying to process all that I felt yesterday during the session? I believe this is, indeed, the case.

The jaw pain is a message that I need to speak out loud the things I have kept hidden. The heart was revealing the pain, and the head was holding the secrets I have held onto.

So, what is this life that grips my heart to a point it makes it feel as though it is being shredded by blackberry thorns?

The life I saw was that of Mary, mother of Isa (aka Jesus).

The tale I tell now is compiled of information that came through observed repeating patterns in my life, dreams, in-between states, signs, synchronicity, research and now regression.

Mary, at a very early age, was given to a religious group called The Essenes. According to information they had gathered through charts and prophesy, Mary was meant to have a very special child. I spoke of my own dream which echos this in my post about Hitler.

At the age of 12, Mary was handed over as a child bride to someone selected for her by the Essenes. Joseph didn't really want this responsibility, but, begrudgingly, took her to his house. By this point, Joseph's first wife had died. His children were grown. He spent days and sometimes weeks away working, which left Mary alone. The place I saw in regression felt remote and isolated. I saw goats, a small garden and a tiny house with a dirt floor where she spent most of her days entirely alone.

I saw her sewing pieces of cloth.... embroidered them. She would trade these small pretty tokens for bread and other supplies. The interesting part of seeing this is that when the character I am currently performing changed her last name legally, it was changed to "Taylor" which is a name that suggests the occupation of the bearer is someone who sews. In a dream I saw pretty little embroidered cards that had beautiful words and music that played from them. In the dream I thought that I wanted to do something like this. I didn't understand then the connection to that other life that was coming through. I thought it was simply about wanting some of my poetry to be turned into songs.

I was first gripped with overwhelming emotion by the lonliness Mary felt during my regression. She was so lonely. She came from having a community and peers with the Essenes, to isolation in the middle of nowhere.

While Joseph was away working, Mary was raped. By whom, was not revealed in my session. I only know the father of her child produced a blonde baby boy. The fact that this child was not even Joseph's was bad enough, but the fact he was born with blonde hair was a dead giveaway that he was not the father and it would have brought shame, embarrassment and punishment to both of them. So Mary's baby was ripped from her arms and given away to be raised by others. She never knew what became of her son, just that he existed once and she kept the evidence tucked away somewhere. In a dream I saw it as a baby mobile and other baby items. I then saw in the dream that this evidence was also taken eventually and a cousin had it.

Joseph would always blame her for her own rape. In his eyes, it was infidelity and he felt betrayed. He had never been a warm communicative person, but now there was even more distance because of his resentment. Mary was grateful that he allowed her to stay on because other girls in similar circumstances didn't always fare so well. At least she hadn't been cast out, or worse, been killed as an adulterous wife.

Mary became intensely depressed. She had no one, really, and the one person she had who God told her was going to be born to her was ripped away from her. She had named her son, Isa.

When Mary was about 16, a toddler boy was brought home to her by Joseph. He gave her this child to raise, hoping he would make her happy. This one he knew would grow up resembling himself because he was his brother's son. His brother had many children and his wife had identical twin boys. His brother's wife didn't mind having her burden lightened a little so agreed to the arrangement.

Mary named him the name she had given her actual son. The boy always knew that Mary was not his biological mother as she made sure he knew that he wasn't her real son. Having this new Isa there did help her feel happier though. The next images I saw in the regression was her sitting by a river playing with this boy. He was probably 4 or 5 at that point. It felt like a different place than the home she had lived in with Joseph and I can't say where it was for sure.

At some point during the regression, I saw Mary and Isa living in India where they both learned about reincarnation, meditation, tantra yoga, energy, breath work and so much more. It was such a different life and both were transformed during their time there. At this point Joseph had died.  I saw Isa as a man-child from behind. His skin was a sun-kissed brown and his dark hair was in long waist length dreadlocks with the front part tied back to stay out of his face.

Feelings came to the surface as Isa grew, romantic feelings they both shared for each other. Their education helped them understand how and why they could feel what they did for each other. They understood that energetic soul bonds transcend space and time and don't care about social taboos. They were also in a place where no one knew who they had been, so when the time came that their feelings were revealed to each other, it was easy to act on it.

Mary and Isa married and had two children together. They were happy and life was good. But Isa wanted to return to their homeland to teach what they had learned. For Mary, it raised mountains of fear. People back there knew them and they would have to be careful because what they had done was taboo. She didn't want to go back. They left their children in the care of a close friend in India and headed back to the land of their births.

It didn't end well, when they returned. Isa was crucified on a cross and died in Mary's arms. His last breath he took in her arms.

A great deception took place at that point.

Mother Mary and Mary Magdalene are exactly the same person. They are not two different people. They are the same person.

Previously, I thought that Didymos Judas (Thomas), Isa's bio-identical twin took his brother's place on the cross. He did not. He did take his place in a way though. He posed as his brother. Other decoys were put in place so that people wouldn't know who to follow or where to find them. False information was deliberately planted to mislead anyone who might try to find Isa and Mary.

In the regression when asked about Thomas all I could get out was "France. He went to France." Allison asked about Mary Magdalene going with him and I said no, but internally the dialogue that was taking place was "Thomas is gay." Mary Magdalene was a ruse, a fiction. Thomas stepped into his brother's shoes and played "husband" to Mary at that point. They were very close friends and she stayed with him because he looked like the one she lost. Did they have children together? I have no idea. It is possible. Mary would have been about 43 at the time they went to France and she looked young due to her diet and lifestyle, so it isn't impossible that she had more children with a man who looked like her husband who wanted to actually be with men but was scared to act on it because of fear.

Did Mary actually ever see her children again that she left behind in India? I have no idea but I did have a dream once where I saw myself back in a place....a campus of a college. I had come back for the children I left behind. Three were with their father and two were with me. What isn't clear is if these were children from that time period or if they are children from our real life outside of the game.

What IS abundantly clear to me now is how much the losses Mary suffered created a ripple of anguish and pain through all of her lives that followed. She lost child after child in one way or another. She suffered from the fear of people knowing about her relationship with Isa because she knew all too well how they would react if they knew.

"Child molester"

"Incest!"

"You married your son?!!!"

"Disgusting!"

"Pervert."

It was the most profound love she had ever experienced and yet the outside world could never understand what she understood without the knowledge she and Isa had. And in the land of her birth, crossing into what is deemed "forbidden" by social standards, could lead to death. There was real danger in revealing their secret. We only have to look at Woody Allen and the relationship he has with his adopted daughter to see how the public reacts to such taboos even today. We jump to judgment and ridicule without any deeper knowledge or understanding.

This was the secret that was kept that must be revealed.

I sent this as part of an email to Allison after our session:

"At the very beginning of this journey, the guy on the other side played a song in my head during a nap, "I Just Want to be Your Everything" by Andy Gibb. I didn't understand the full impact of the meaning of those words back then, but Isa really was Mary's everything. He was her son, her lover, her best friend, her partner.... regardless of how the whole world will view it. Even you had a little of the reaction that she feared from others. "You had a relationship with your son?" What she learned in India that she couldn't seem to articulate in those moments on the couch was about energy and reincarnation and how your heart remembers the energy of the ones we love most in that other world, in those other bodies. We are still of THAT world right now where our bodies sleep and he is still my husband. Would you brave taboos to feel that level connection and love with someone? Apparently my version of Mary did but it had a price. Her "everything" was crucified for a day. She was crucified for the rest of her life by having to hide the truth and by her own grief."

My session with Allison Coe was a gift...both literally and symbolically. My friend, Cynthia Hanning gifted me the session. I went in with no real expectations. The worst that could have happened is that I ended up having an amazing conversation with an amazing woman. What I got out of it was confirmation about a lot of things and the knowledge that I really can trust myself and my own information coming in. What I got was confirmation that the direction I was going with my thoughts about who I had been and what I had experienced was real because I FELT it. There was a lot I couldn't see and couldn't answer, but in those moments, I felt the intensity and weight of all of the emotions from another life that have been acting as road blocks for me being able to live this life fully.

That was the message I kept getting in the session, that I wasn't living anymore. I needed to leave the isolation I felt from that life and am reproducing in this one. I need to make in-person connections and not just online ones. I need to allow and open myself completely and connect fully on every level with at least one person which requires me to face my biggest fear of all....loss.

Feel.

Reveal.

Release.

I am free.

The Alice Manifesto, Staying Open

Mrs White Photoart

The Alice Manifesto

Goal: Go home

• Remember who you really are

  Find your way back to 

  you. You are not the 

  character you are 

  currently performing nor 

  the many characters you 

  have performed during 

  the game. Find out who 

  the player is at the core.

• Stay open

  Any fixed ideas of how 

  you think things should 

  be or will be can 

  keep you from your goal.

• Thoughts create

   Fantasies lead us further 

   away from going home 

   when we fall in love with 

   our creations.

• Let go

  Any attachments to 

  anything and anyone 

  within this reality will 

  keep you here.

• Follow the Right Rabbit

  People (and bunnies) 

  aren't always what they 

  seem to be. Sometimes 

  our inner compass gets 

  thrown off. Recalibrate. 

  Stay on the path that 

  takes you home.

• Never give up

  No matter how many 

  dead ends you come to, 

  don't stop trying to find 

  your way out of the maze. 

  Some corridors will take 

  you further to the exit 

  than others. Don't get 

  discouraged. 

• Fear nothing

• Anything is possible.

By Oktobre Taylor
Written April 19, 2018

I wrote the above as a reminder to myself and I find myself repeating at least one of those points to myself daily.

We start these spiritual journeys and are eager to recognize the signs and syncs we are given. We are eager to follow their guidance and the guidance from our guides on the other side. We put them all together and have to try to decipher what it all means. And once we decide on a direction, it can be difficult to leave that path because we are so convinced this is where our information has led us.

"Stay open, Alice," I tell myself.

My guidance led me to Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. For four years I hung around that community because of information that I felt guided me there. I had this idea of who he was to me on a soul level...family. When you think someone is family, you stick it out and endure the bumps and bruises so that you can wake them up to help them start their own journey and remember who they really are and who we are to them.

My time in the Sum 41 community was far from easy. I'm not like other people, but that difference seemed more pronounced within that specific community and sometimes people were cruel, but I endured and continued. I even continued when Deryck stopped talking to me completely. For four years I tried to do what I felt my guides were asking of me until I could endure no more.

During the third year of trying to reach Deryck, I was thrown a curve ball with new information coming in that pointed me to Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! I struggled with this information because it confused me. I thought I knew with complete certainty that Deryck was the path I was supposed to be traveling even though I was exhausted and wanted to give up. Trying to communicate and connect with him had become a habit. Letting go was difficult and painful.

I have only spent a little over a year trying to reach Laura Jane Grace and that path has resembled a mountain road with giant potholes where you fear you could break an axle. It might lead to the most amazing waterfall you have ever seen, but you think there is a strong possibility you might die just trying to get there. The time invested has been shorter with her, but I have been getting clear information pointing me in another new direction now. I don't actually think she likes me very much, so she will likely hardly notice me wandering away to graze in other pastures and explore other rabbit holes.

Photo by Mrs White Photoart

Here I am again having to tell myself, "Stay open to new possibilities, Alice. Let go and stay open."

I have thought so many things about where this was all heading and had to let all of that go when it was obvious it was going nowhere. I was not only a little annoyed, I was pissed off to have to rearrange my puzzle pieces and try to understand where it is all actually heading. I had hoped my efforts would lead to some sort of job so I could become independent and still raise my daughter the way I feel is best, but with each time I had to let go and head in a new direction, it meant I was still a bird in a cage and, seemingly, no closer to freedom. It has been frustrating. Sometimes all I can do is cry. Sometimes I utter profanities at my guides in my head. But most importantly, I have tried to look to see what I have learned and gained from the experiences.

When I look back, I can see how much I have learned about me by trying to reach both of them. I feel I learned infinitely more during my time with Deryck, but maybe that is simply because I had so much more growing to do and I spent much more time there. I can look at both people and find deep love and gratitude in my heart for them.

We have to follow the guidance we are given and sometimes that means we have to let go of what we thought would be in order to stay open to the possibilities that are trying to make their way to us. Moving forward is essential so that we aren't chasing our own tails in endless circles. Circles are a lovely shape but sometimes we need to stop biting our own tail and look ahead if we actually want to get anywhere.

The truth is, I no longer completely know what I am supposed to be doing or where any of it is leading me. I do believe it is leading somewhere, I am just not clear about what that destination is at this point. Ultimately, I hope it leads to home.

Adolf Hitler Died For Your Sins, Past Lives

Painting by Roberto Ferri

How is that for a title, eh? Lol

How shall I start this? There is so much to say and ponder.

I grew up in a fanatically religious household which caused me to eventually reject Christianity and everything related to it. I came to a point where I considered myself atheist.

Fast forward to the start of my spiritual journey. Early on, I listened to a channeled interview with Jesus. I had gotten to the point where I thought Jesus was a fictional symbolic figure, so I was skeptical going into the interview. I tried to be open, though.

Afterwards, I thought a lot about it and, when I went to meditate, I was inviting a couple specific people to the meditation party and considered maybe I would open the door to Jesus even though I felt a little foolish. When I went through the internal dialogue in my head, something happened, something triggered me and I thought, "You abandoned me!" I burst into tears and I couldn't stop crying. My husband wanted to know what was wrong. I blurted out, "Jesus abandoned me!" And I felt like an ass saying those words but I couldn't seem to stop myself.

It would be years before I would research the life of Jesus even though it felt like my guides were pushing all kinds of signs and syncs at me telling me there was something there I needed to look at.

If you read me, you know I get the majority of my information through dreams. I had a powerful dream about a baby boy that was going to be born to me. At the time, I made the mistake of thinking they meant that it was going to happen in this life. I didn't realize that this event had already happened.

January 6, 2013 Julie called me last night to tell me that for two nights in a row she had dreams about me having a baby boy named Reed. I had to laugh and think that was kind of freaky. I had my own interesting dream. I can't remember well the details but will try to recall what I can. I seem to recall being somewhere and dancing or doing some kind of acrobatics. It was kind of like aerial dancing only without the fabric. Anyway, there was some guy there. I think I liked him and then we started to lay down where we were to have sex, but then there was some woman who I believe he had been seeing who was next to us which caused us to stop for the moment. I think I knew who "he" was in the dream, but for the life of me, I can't recall who he was supposed to be. Somehow I knew this was the father of the son that would be born to me. It was so weird. Anyway, the dream changed and I saw stars....bright stars. I knew one was the father and the lower one, the son. There was something special about the alignment and how the son was "come to Earth" in its alignment. And I knew that the "son" was coming to Earth to be my child. At one point the stars changed to people. People were really excited about the star coming to Earth. It was a wild dream and I'm not sure what it all means. I laid there thinking about it all and trying to process it and kept wondering who the father was.

When I finally caved and started to research the life of Jesus, Dolores Cannon was one of the people whose work I turned to to explore. It was in Dolores' information where I found an eerily similar account of stars, planetary alignments and a very special child being born to Mary.

So am I saying I was Mother Mary during that time period? Absolutely. But I wasn't convinced of it at this point. And then throw into the mix that there are many people who make the claim of having been Mother Mary and all of the various different people having had lives during the life of Jesus all seem to have a different version of the story. I don't completely understand it yet but I think it could have something to do with different groups playing out their own storyline performing as those characters. I don't discount any of their alternative storylines.

What I am going to outline and describe is the storyline that I have been piecing together through dreams and research. In my story line, I was raped at the age of 12, which is how Yeshua was actually conceived. Through my research, I found a version of the tale where Mary was handed over to Joseph as a child bride at the age of 12. Supposedly he goes out to work for four years and comes back to find his child bride pregnant. He was pissed about this turn of events.

http://www.newadvent.org/fathers/0847.htm

13. And she was in her sixth month; and, behold, Joseph came back from his building, and, entering into his house, he discovered that she was big with child. And he smote his face, and threw himself on the ground upon the sackcloth, and wept bitterly, saying: With what face shall I look upon the Lord my God? And what prayer shall I make about this maiden? Because I received her a virgin out of the temple of the Lord, and I have not watched over her. Who is it that has hunted me down? Who has done this evil thing in my house, and defiled the virgin? Has not the history of Adam been repeated in me? For just as Adam was in the hour of his singing praise, and the serpent came, and found Eve alone, and completely deceived her, so it has happened to me also. And Joseph stood up from the sackcloth, and called Mary, and said to her: O you who hast been cared for by God, why have you done this and forgotten the Lord your God? Why have you brought low your soul, you that wast brought up in the holy of holies, and that received food from the hand of an angel? And she wept bitterly, saying: I am innocent, and have known no man. And Joseph said to her: Whence then is that which is in your womb? And she said: As the Lord my God lives, I do not know whence it is to me.

Now, keep in mind they were in the Middle East and being raped there, even today, can result in the victim actually being put to death, not the rapist. She was a CHILD. She was 12 years old. Of course she is going to say whatever she can to keep from being killed. Wouldn't you?

Here is my dream which speaks of Mary being raped:

December 1, 2017 I had a dream night before last where I went to a restaurant that my BFF supposedly worked. It was a cute and higher end restaurant. She wanted me to meet her employer. Her employer was a pretty woman who dressed kind of alternative and had long dread-like hair. She was talking to me about me possibly working there and I asked for an application because I hadn't needed a resume for years so didn't have an updated one. She seemed spiritual and cool and she said to me, "I saw the advice you gave my twins and I really liked what you had to say." I was like, "Oh thanks, that is very kind of you to say. I apologize because I have no memory of the advice you are talking about or who the twins are, but I appreciate your kind words about the things I have said." She showed me a picture and I see a red haired male and female who were apparently her twins. They were adults and beautiful. I guessed I had maybe used a photograph of them for my Instagram but had no recollection speaking specifically to either of them. The owner of the restaurant continues and mentions that she has an older son too who she had when she was only 12. She gets a grave look on her face and says how much her son means to her no matter the brutal way he was conceived. I am seeing she was raped at 12 which is how he was conceived and I am seeing a nail through a palm for some reason. I am now seeing her Om tattoo on her left wrist and my BFF is saying how she has gone through some true transcendental experiences. I have a sense of an extended time spent in India and now I feel foolish and like a novice having mentioned anything spiritual to her. But she really liked me and hugged me before I left. I told her I had an appointment to go apply for another job as well and left.

There have been other dreams that, when combined, leave me absolutely convinced that Mary's life is one whose baggage from that life I carry with me. I have to work through it to release the internal blocks and shit that has backed up. I have shared some of those dreams recently on Instagram and Facebook if you care to read more.

Sometimes I hear things in my in between state. We all do, but I have learned to not just brush it off as my "imagination".

Recently I heard something that sent me down the Jesus rabbit hole again.

I haven't been remembering my dreams lately but I did hear something in my in between state as I was waking from my nap this evening. I heard:

"In my most difficult moments, a thief..."
I finished, "...made you laugh."
I heard, "Yes! A thief made me laugh."
I then saw crosses.

I went on a search to learn more about the thieves who died next to "Jesus". Apparently the one on the right scoffed and taunted him while the one on the left said that Jesus didn't belong there. He admitted that he, himself was there fairly but Jesus had done nothing. Essentially, the thief on the left took responsibility for himself, while the one on the right, did not. There are some accounts that some of the words that were recorded as Jesus having said were actually the start of a Jewish hymn. He was singing. I don't think it is a stretch that a thief would crack a joke and make him laugh.

I have to remind you of what I talked about in an earlier blog post. Jesus didn't actually die on the cross. His doppelganger did, Thomas, whose name was actually Judas. Judas looked like Jesus so much that the others started calling him Didymos aka Thomas. Both mean "twin".  In that earlier blog post I mention how one was the "son of God" while Thomas was his polar opposite counterpart and the "son of Satan/Lucifer". They were basically the same soul being expressed as polar opposites...two sides of the same coin. So, in essence, even though Jesus didn't actually die on the cross, the soul inhabiting both men DID experience the death of one of his vehicles.

Painting by Roberto Ferri

https://carm.org/the-quran-the-crucifixion-and-the-gnostics

"The Hilali-Khan translation offers a bit more interpretation, representing how many Muslims have historically understood this passage:

"And because of their saying (in boast), 'We killed Messiah 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), the Messenger of Allah,' - but they killed him not, nor crucified him, but the resemblance of 'Iesa (Jesus) was put over another man (and they killed that man), and those who differ therein are full of doubts. They have no (certain) knowledge, they follow nothing but conjecture. For surely; they killed him not [i.e. 'Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary)]. But Allah raised him ['Iesa (Jesus)] up (with his body and soul) unto Himself (and he is in the heavens). And Allah is Ever All-Powerful, All-Wise," (Surah 4:157-158)."

So Jesus assumes his cousin's identity long enough to flee to France where he lives out his life. Mary believes her beloved son has perished brutally and never knew he lived on and had a family. It is why I had overwhelming feelings of abandonment about Jesus. It is what the Knights Templar protected. It is why their symbol, Baphomet, holds the same pose as Jesus in images.

Jesus didn't die for your sins, Thomas did.

Now let's talk about reincarnation and this little tidbit I got this morning:

As I was waking, I was shown an image of Hitler and someone said, "This is who your best friend used to be."

I wasn't really alarmed by this because of a previous dream I had about a Nazi soldier:

August 21, 2015 A man I think I was caring for was seen in 3 stages....young, middle aged and old.. He was intimate with me. In the middle stage he seemed to be reliving his time as a nazi soldier. He was aiming a pretend gun at me and firing. He was directing slurs at me in German. I tried to get him to put away the guns because I didn't like it even in reenactment.

There have been lots of other clues along the way pointing me in the Nazi soldier direction...especially the Adolf and Eva direction. I have SO many connections to wolves via dreams, signs and syncs. My daughter's middle name is Zev. It is Hebrew for "wolf". It was such a weird possible connection that I watched a documentary about Adolf and Eva not too long ago. I had a feeling they might be connected to all of this. So this revelation that my best friend had been Adolf Hitler barely made me blink. It was more like, "Yeah. So? Tell me something I don't know." Lol Adolf was Eva's best friend. And isn't that what we all long for? A partner who is also their best friend.

Today on Facebook I shared a couple dreams that illustrate two different past life scenarios. You can read them should you want to. This was a comment I made after pondering those other lives:

What if the man who died on the cross (not Yeshua/Jesus) came back as Hitler? Killed by the Jews only to kill a few million Jews. Was it Karma? Was this baggage being carried over from his past life? I started thinking about this today with my past life shares earlier. In one we see how my killing this man's father caused him to become angry and violent. He killed his wife as a result of my having killed his father. It isn't about blame. Of course we always have choices but what was illustrated is how the chain of repercussions can follow us into other lives. In another life, I was the one who was murdered but we see the man who did the deed became a changed man. He broke the chain and grew to help humanity.

So often I used to dream that I had so much of this old baggage and stuff that was a burden to pack up to take with me. Forgiveness, both for them and ourselves, is key in being able to let all of the past life stuff go.

Usually when I dream I am heading somewhere, recently, I have almost nothing with me but my ID.

How I feel in this now moment is that Thomas, who died on the cross pretending to be Jesus, came back and had a life as Hitler.

So do we worship one and hate the other when, at their core, they are exactly the same soul, the same being? Or should we forgive and love the soul at the core regardless of the roles he performed? Did Mary come back and choose to give love to a man the world thought a monster? I think that is exactly what happened.

My 5-year-old inner self believes that there is good at the core of all people. We all have the potential to do really awful things and really good things. Looking at the other lives we have had and understadning what baggage we have brought back with us from those experiences can help us let go of the baggage.

When we look at our other lives, we have the opportunity to see how we have been both "saints and sinners" when participating in balancing karma. Karma isn't required. It is a choice. We can choose to simply make better choices. We can choose to understand the bigger implications of difficult experiences as a potential balancing act. Upon understanding, it is easier welcome acceptance and then forgive right now in order to be released of that baggage so we don't take it with us to the next life.

Full Dream, Vampires Mentioned

Art by Laura Tempest Zackroff

Dream Journal Entry: July 6, 2017 I dreamed about a 4 member band. The funny one liked me and was pursuing me. He was unrelenting and his attention made me feel nervous because I'm not used to that anymore. He would follow me around everywhere. In one scene he was waving his limp penis in my face. I didn't seem put off or phased by this and stayed in the room with him. Later I reach in my pocket and found two gold pills in my pocket that are meant to help with arousal and a spray aphrodesiac in a black bottle. I held the pills in my left hand and the spray with my right. Later I see him cooking burgers on a grill. He was making several but was making one specifically for me that was orange and he had placed something special on top that looks like a silver crown. I made some mental connection with the Beatles and kept asking myself over and over who the funny one was of the Beatles...that I needed to find out.

Later we are all in a place where a lot of people are and he is still pursuing me. Someone recognizes him and calls him "prince charming"... Like he was actually a prince or someone very important and people knew who he was but I hadn't. I got excited because I started to remember the fairy tale connection with my story and feel more ready to be open to him so that we can complete what we came here to do. There was something about how it was his job to serve the wine to the couples and it was an important position. He turned to go back into the room to do his job and he took his hat off. I think there was something at that point about him being only 12 but I figured I could make it work in order to complete what we needed to do.

I started to rouse and was trying to hold onto my dream by recalling it. I drifted back to sleep and dreamed of a man that I consider to be the same as the funny one from earlier.

First there was a scene where I am getting ready for school and I have this knowing that I don't have to be there and I just decide I won't go to school...that I simply don't want to and was going to stay home.

Now it feels like I am in a very large house. There are lots of rooms. One section seemed to have an elevated area where a green mossy-like vegetation was growing. The guy is still interested in me and has selected me. There is a crowd of people and he has drawn me near him away from them. There is one dude in particular who stood out as being an ass. I see my guy take a needle and poked the asshole guy with it and he pops like a balloon. I hear something about "bursting his bubble" and how because of my good choices, I had been selected to move on and those who had failed would be eliminated. The guy is talking to me but I can't remember about what in sections.  At one point he morphed into a woman and starts kissing me. Something is mentioned about us being Vampires and she laughs and says yes, that we basically are.

I seem to be walking through the house and I stop at a small room I had passed previously and go in. I crouched down by the forced air heat coming from the floor by the door. The room is tiny and mostly empty but I am drawn to the room. The guy is now a guy again and pops into the room and says maybe I would be more comfortable in a different room. I am looking at the walls and notice what looks like knots in wood dotted around on the walls. The guy says that most people don't like this room, that it used to be the funeral room and people were creeped out by this and the eyes on the walls. I told him that I didn't mind, that I quite liked the room and liked looking at the patterns on the walls that then became eyes that moved and looked at me. The guy remarked that I was not like other people and why I had been chosen.

Now I am in a room on an exam table and the guy is using some instrument and inserting it into me vaginally. I don't seem phased or bothered by this. I mention something about having this high pitched ringing in my left ear a lot since I had been in this house and he smiles and tells me that i am hearing the Ender cat and he had selected me and that it's saying he wants to eat me. I didn't get a fearful feeling but more just trying to process what he meant. In my head I could see a connection to this physical probe and the Ender Cat wanting to eat me. I saw buttons inside of me and the kind of eating I saw was actually more like oral sex being performed on me. I started to wake there.

Notes and observations:

I asked online who the funny Beatle is and people unanimously said that Ringo Star was. I looked up Ringo because I didn't understand the connection yet. Apparently his actual name is Sir Richard Starkey. This name alone has a lot in it. "Sir" brings to mind a "knight in shining armor" or something similar to "Prince Charming". The name Starkey feels like a reference to the last scene.. about there being buttons inside me. The person with the right key can can open a gateway out of this virtual world we live in. I make no claims to knowing who that person actually is or is not. And last but certainly not least is the name "Richard". I get this name a lot in dreams and on a hunch wrote down a lot of the recurring names I get in dreams. The one thing they all have in common is that in their various forms can be names used to refer to a penis. Like Richard becomes "Dick" and William becomes "Willy". If you understood how funny my guide on the other side is, you would understand. They have let me know that my dreams are loaded with funny Easter eggs that I will discover along the way and the many names for penis is one of those. And yes, I do very much believe you are part of my story and some of my dreams seem to contain references to you. I don't really know what to do with the information yet as you are basically a wall of silence, so maybe my "trying to reach you" is more growth and expansion bullshit. I don't know. I just know I want out of this fucking shit hole reality and i have to complete the game in order to do it.