Thursday, June 15, 2017

Assorted Original Poetry and Creative Writing

I find a lot of beautiful photos and sometimes can't find the quotes or words that feel like they match, so I have been inclined to write original material for those photos. I am going to try to put it all on one post for the curious and those who appreciate​ art in its many forms. These appeared first on My Instagram account.

Photo by Regina Relang, Paris 1953
She was a wildcard.
It wasn't obvious to most.
On the surface she looked placid and serene.
No one could tell there was an inferno raging inside her that threatened to unleash itself in a mighty explosion, reducing to ash those nearest to her heat.


Written June 25, 2016
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I'm not like the others.
It doesn't take much to recognize that fact.
But it takes a rebel, a fellow warrior soul to stand beside me openly in certain circles.
It takes a fearless person to openly show support and understanding without regard for those who have disdain for me, because there are many.
Only a very special few will have what it takes.


Written November 3, 2016 
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Photo of Teya Salat by Elzaran at DeviantArt
I don't need anyone to believe me for my truth to be true for me.
I don't need anyone to understand my truth for my truth to be true for me.
My journey is my own.
It is okay if you don't approve.
It is okay if you don't support me.
It is okay if you don't understand.
Please don't tell me how to navigate MY journey.
I am strong enough to navigate successfully completely on my own.
When you get upset by MY truth and are triggered, that is an issue with YOU and not me.
If you are unsettled by MY truth, look inside to find out why because it has nothing to do with me nor will it change what is true for me.
Your fear based concerns are unwarranted and unwelcome.
I share my journey to help open a dialogue and, perhaps, help someone on a similar journey.
It is not an open invitation for you to tell me what to do and how to live.
I am not asking for advice.
I am sharing.
Acceptance and respect of another person's truth costs nothing but are invaluable.


October 14, 2016
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Photo by Noell S. Oszvald
There I was
My face against the door
Begging you to let me in
But you couldn't hear me
Just silence
You gave me in return
Like a boa constrictor
Slowly squeezing my heart
My kindness
Was a small seed planted
Watered by hope it sprouted
But neglect caused it to wither
Emptiness
Sadness and heartache dwell
Where once inspiration lived
Tears replace written words
Letting go
Is harder than most imagine
Turning and walking away
My heart bleeding with each step

April 14, 2016

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Art by Tom Bagshaw


I would rather be hated for who I authentically am than loved for pretending to be someone I am not. I am not a quiet and timid church mouse. I am a bold and fierce lioness and I roar. To ask me to be a timid mouse is to ask me to pretend to be something I am not. I am who I am and you can either accept me for exactly who I am in this now moment or you can fuck off. It is that simple.

Written May 14, 2016
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Photo by Julla Berglund
There I was
Thinking I was finally getting somewhere
But the winds of truth derailed me from my tracks
I laid breathless
On the edge
Wondering how I could go on


Written June 14 2016
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Photographer Unknown
Sometimes I feel like I am about the only person brave enough to swim out into the deep parts of the ocean while everyone else is left wading on the shore.

Written July 7, 2016 
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Photo by Katarzyna Dembrowska
Sometimes it is there
Lurking
Quietly waiting
It catches me by surprise
When I hear certain words in a song
It spreads through my body
Enveloping me
Devouring my joy
Silencing my laughter
And replacing it with tears
Sadness

Written August 11,2016

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Photographer Unknown
I always wake feeling tired
I drink my coffee
Go on hikes
Commune with nature
But nothing really helps
I go to sleep and enter dreamland
Why do I always have to wake?
Why do my eyelids open?
When I often long to stay
Maybe my tired goes deep
Maybe it spans many lifetimes
I am so tired
I am soul tired
I need released from this prison
A prison of flesh and bones

Written September 16, 2016


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Book art by Gertha Scholtz
In terms of digital communication and attention span, I often feel like I am an epic novel in a world of meaningless graffiti.

Written September 16, 2016
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Photographer Unknown
I stood on the banks
Of the shore of my sorrows
There I cleansed myself
With the water from my tears
What once was obscured
Came into sharp focus
When I took my nose away from the page
The landscape of my bigger picture
Opened up and revealed itself to me


Written September 30, 2016 

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Photographer Unknown
Sometimes you just have to let it out
Everything that has built up inside you
It isn't always predictable when it will come out
But when it does, it helps to have someone close
Who can comfort, support and have your back when you need to be covered

Written October 1, 2016 

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Photo by Ferdinando Scianna
Pop Quiz

It was just a test
To see what you would do
Just a little pop quiz
Yet the outcome I already knew
You set me apart
From the rest of the crowd
Forgotten and ignored
In the fields that I plowed
I lend you my strength
And you slam the door in my face
I give you support
But for me you make no place
My songs of wisdom
Are met with deafening silence
My raw honesty
Is met with heart violence
Perseverance
Is the lesson that you taught me
Never give up
Although I long so much to flee
Pain is my fuel
Neglect, excluded, verbal starvation
But your gift of rejection
Is the clay for my newest creation

Written October 5, 2016

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Photo by Ferdinando Scianna
I love you.
And I can love in whatever way you need me to.
I don't care if you are male or female.
I don't care if you are rich or poor.
I don't care how you wear your hair or what clothes you choose to wear.
I don't care if you are young or old.
I don't care what color or ethnicity you are.
I don't care what size or shape your body is.
I don't care if you have a religion or a political party.
The you I love is none of those things.
But while we are both here in the physical, I can love you in whatever form you need.
I can love you as a friend, as a mother, as a sister and as a lover.
I have already loved you as all of those and more in previous lives, so I can love you in whatever way you need in this lifetime, in this now moment.

Written January 20, 2017

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Photo by NASA Goddard Photos and Video
A sun is but a star in the sky. It burns hot and expends great energy so that one day it can be seen far and wide long after its heat and light has gone out. The stars we see at night are but an echo of a star long since gone. That is what you work for, my dear. The energy you expend now will burn bright for the world to see long after your human form is gone. You are not a moon who borrows the light of others. You are a sun and a sun creates light for others.  

Written April 9, 2016
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Photographer Unknown
Cherish These Moments

Here I am now
A new tomorrow has begun
Gradually rising
I look towards an eastern sun
Bright light awakens
In my smothering darkness, so new
Exploring unfamiliars
The bearer of the light was you

Hello happiness
I've missed you, where have you been
I've felt this way
Dizzy bliss, I can't remember when
Thank you I say
To the great Universe that has blessed me
Wandering emotions
I'm so alive now and quite happy to be

Terracotta sunshine
Breathing warm life into my soul
Missing puzzle piece
Has come to fill the gaping hole
Slowly it's formed
There is my cloud with a silver lining
Ray of hope is you
In a blanket of rain you came through shining

Chorus:
On the wind
I ride
On my lips
A name
Cherish these moments, I do
As our lives
Collide
As we find
New fame
Bright star in my eyes is you
Erasing scars
I hide
Erasing all
My pain
Cherish these moments, I do

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Art by Oksana Dimitrenko
Note To Self

Where do you find dignity
When you can't feel anymore
How can you live your dreams
When you have shoved them out the door

Life is a constant struggle
Between what is good and bad
And when you lose all hope
This world will seem quite sad

Like driving down a highway
Yet not having any direction
They tell you that they love
Yet you can see the rejection

The paths that we take
Have unexpected twists and turns
The salt poured in my eyes
Continues to sting and burn

How will you ever find love
If you won't answer the door
How can you find happiness
If you won't take chances anymore

Written March 22, 1987

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Photo by Joel Sartore
Is this all that is left
Of the world nature created
Some like to call it "progress"
Your progress is overrated

They say we've come far
From what we used to be
Poison air, concrete land
And death in a blackened sea

Intelligent lifeforms
They say this is man
With all of your knowledge
You can't solve the problem at hand

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Photo by Oleg Oprisco
Memories

I do remember
Although I want to forget
So much of my past
I continue to regret
All of the memories
I thought I'd locked away
Been brought to surface
How long shall they stay
Smoke in my eyes
Raining in my heart
Memories of yesterday
Still fail to depart
Like black thorny roses
They grow in the shade
A sunny day will come
And it all will fade
Words on white paper
Have left me cold
And they'll be there
When I'm grey and old
If I burned the journals
Would the memories remain
Ashes fall from my hands
In my head, still the names

Written June 16, 1987

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Photo by Oleg Oprisco 
So many truths
Remain untold
Waiting for answers
To unfold
Tears would fall
If I could cry
My blood is sand
My eyes are dry

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Photo by Anka Zhuravleva

Queen of her world
Doing what she wants
But she's so alone
So many dreams she has
Living deeply inside
This bird has never flown

Ballerina at a ball
Dancing by herself
Dancing to her own tune
Walking in the dark
Wishing upon a star
Singing to the moon

Written October 18, 1987  

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Photo by Natalia Drepina
What is the point of hoping
When I know it's all in vain
What is the point of wishing
When I know it's just a game
It's all the same
And what is the point of wanting
Something that will never be
Why do I keep giving
Silence brought me to my knees
Please let me leave

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Photo by Mrs White Photoart
I stand alone
Braving the storm
Daring it to knock me from my perch.
My balance wavers
I can barely breathe
The wind roaring so violent around me
My is face damp
From streaming tears
Searching deep inside for strength to go on
Turning myself
Inside out and open
I stretch my wings and prepare to take flight
I've come this far
Can't turn back now
I will do what I have come here to do


Written February 27, 2017

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Art by Harry Clarke
Before you can be something new, the old you must die. The old you must burn away into ashes. Turn to ash all of the masks once worn in the game. The journey of self discovery has no room for pride, lies, or illusion. It strips away what isn't really you and incinerates it so that you may become the Phoenix and fly free...fly home.

March 15, 2017
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Art by Emily Balivet
I was talking to my cousin and I asked him, "How would you slay a dragon?" He said something about shooting an arrow at it. I told him, "No, that is not how you slay a dragon. You slay a dragon by giving it love and understanding."

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Art by Tom Bagshaw
Darkness is beautiful, yet so many run away from it. They shield their faces from the darkness in others and especially the darkness in themselves. They shout "the devil" and "evil" and claim outside forces such as negative entities and attachments while never taking full responsibility for their darkness. It is a sad lonely child waiting to be embraced and loved for the beauty and uniqueness they possess. Anger and depression cast out like it is a demon to be exorcised. What if instead of trying to cast out what is half of the human experience, we embrace it, love it, hold a space for it and appreciate it for being the fire capable of transforming us...capable of burning away all that we once were and creating balance. We talk about bringing back the sacred feminine but the sacred feminine IS darkness and yet you shun her as something outside of you. She is Kali and she will destroy what needs to be dismantled so that she can create new fertile soil for planting new seeds. Balance is always key and your darkness is begging to be loved, understood and acknowledged. 

March 22, 2017
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Photo by Olga Miropolskaya
You are my entire world," she told Raven.

"That is very sad," said the bird.

"But why? Does it not please you to know you mean so much to me?" she asked feeling confused.

"It is sad to know you mean so little to yourself and that your happiness is so fully dependent on me," replied Raven. He then stretched out his great wings and flew away, never to be seen again.

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Art by Tom Bagshaw
Today a Sum41 fan commented about something I said to Deryck. They said, "Jesus lady why so deep haha"
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I had mused in a comment as I sometimes do here on my own page but it was directed toward Deryck. I was kind and thoughtful. My response to the individual?
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"oh wow! Who told you about my past life as Jesus?!? 😱 "Jesus lady" I was keeping that a secret. 😂 You know, yesterday was my day of actual Resurrection and all so I guess it was bound to get out. See, I can be humorous and pointless at times but depth and substance is my nature. @sum41 can easily scroll through the comments that all pretty much say the same thing...And some say nothing in particular at all. They are kind of like junk food. It tastes good but it doesn't really fill you up and leave you satisfied. I like to offer something different, something meatier that will satisfy and stay with him longer."
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In a sea of forgettable one liner quips and emoticons, I aspire to be the giant fucking kraken here to grab hold of your ship and shake the shit out of it. It may only scare you so bad that you soil yourself, but at least you will sit up, take notice and remember me. Lol

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Photo by Ida Wyman, 1943
"They call her "Little Miss Sassy Pants" because she says what is on her mind without reserve. When people tell her to hold her tongue, she sticks it out and holds it, but loses grip when the giggles creep in and take hold. She is defiant and strong-willed. Because of her fierce and strong nature, people call her "wicked" and "devil spawn". No, she cannot be tamed and all attempts will leave the trainer bloody and exhausted."

Written April 21, 2017

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Photo by Daria Hlazatova
Once the anguish and river of tears subsided
Once the desire to use razor sharp words to inflict a deep wound in the one who wounded me dulled to a quiet murmur in my head
A blanket of numb wrapped itself around me
At least I could breathe now
At least I no longer felt like I would spontaneously combust
I felt nothing at all
Just the familiar numb
A very old friend

Written April 29, 2017

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Photo by Yulia Brodskaya
It has always been there
A longing
A deep sense of knowing
This reality is not home
I have always felt it
So limited
Something is off
This was a glaring clue
I know I used to fly
I remember
In my dreams, I remember
But people don't believe
It never goes away
It remains
This longing that haunts me
I want to go home

  
May 10, 2017
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Photo by Silverrr-official at DeviantArt
Ice Queen

It didn't happen over night
It was gradual
One icy layer at a time
Each heartbreak added a layer
To keep the fragile pieces together
So that it didn't fall entirely apart
Her heart looked like a beautiful jewel
Glistening like a rose just after the rain beneath the ice
And no one could touch it anymore
The layers of ice give an illusion of strength
They act as her armor
They call her "cold" and "unfeeling"
They call her "the ice queen"
But without​ the ice she would come apart and her pieces would scatter in the wind
Lost
Forgotten


May 21, 2017
 

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Photographer Unknown
The depths of the rabbit hole I dove into seem to be never-ending. It is like I am shouting from my depths hoping someone will be able to make out what I am saying, but mostly I just hear the echo of my own voice. I like myself, so that isn't all bad. 

May 22, 2017
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Photo by Mrs White Photoart
"I want to go home, Rabbit," she confided.
.
"I know," he said solemnly.
.
"But I can't remember how to get back or even who I am," she sighed sadly as they watched the waves roll in on the sand.
.
Rabbit took her hand in his and said, "I will hold your hand until you can remember."


May 29, 2017
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Photo by Sarah DeRemer
Coffees​? Tea? Me?

Dark and delicious
Slightly mischievous
Strong and full of flavor
A taste you want to savor
Something to shake you up
Something to wake you up


Delicate and light
A sweetness so bright
Providing an immune boost
Helping brain fog be reduced
Hot, smooth and slippery wet
Take you higher, make you sweat


I'm all of this and more
If your key unlocks my door


Written June 12, 2017

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Photo by Kirsty Mitchell
She breathed out
Releasing it all on the invisible droplets of moisture that left her body
She breathed out
Letting go of all that would keep her from taking flight
She breathed out
Releasing her heart from the armor which protected but kept it heavy
She breathed in hope
Her heart shimmering
Delicate and fragile
Like butterfly wings

Written May 1, 2017


The Merging of Polar Opposites. Duality, God and Lucifer

All of the below have appeared on My Instagram account, but I wanted to put it all together here in once place.


I saw this crop circle and it reminded me of 3 things...a vagina, a keyhole and an image of a sculpture I photographed at the Lego sculpture exhibit.


Interestingly, the Lego Exhibit had tons of meaningful symbolism for me. This shot of the earth lit from two sides casts two shadows. It is one earth but two distinct realities coming together. I have written about this in a blog post where I talk about even scientists saying that we are, in fact, colliding together with a parallel universe. I have shared articles about it on my Facebook page.

Some people believe we are splitting apart into two different Earths. But that was how we achieved this experience in the first place... splitting apart to have polar opposites and two different experiences. I think part of the goal is to bring the two polar opposites back together into one. Creating more division is the last thing we need. And if you are really observant, you are going to notice some interesting and weird things occurring around you. Will you notice when your other you joins you as one being? Probably not, but you may notice little differences around you as you balance and integrate your shadow self. 


This is an excerpt from a previous blog post:

"If you regularly read my blog, you will have seen this dream before in my declaration that I am not human. In that blog I talk about having a body in stasis. I believe we all do, the ones that are not just programs, have a sleeping body in the really real world. The key here is stating that I go "through" the game. Splitting apart was the creating of polar opposites that created two parallel universes. When we embark on a journey back to ourselves and learn to love even the worst part of ourselves, we help heal the rift and bring the two universes back together as one. I am still in the process and drawing in and winding the string to my other self and bringing her into balance within me. We see evidence of the two different universes with the Berenstein Vs. Berenstain controversy. Until recently, old original copies of the STEIN spelling could not be found, Not long ago, I saw someone on IG post a photo of an old version she found at a garage sale which had the STEIN spelling. To me, this demonstrates the merging of the two polar opposite existences. My friend, Cynthia, told me about the Sindbad/Shazaam controversy. I was surprised to hear that this movie was apparently never made in the current reality even though I remember clearly this very bad movie existing. Sinbad himself swears it was never made. Now when we start seeing copies of Shazaam, it will be further proof of a merging happening.

The more we embrace, understand and love our own shadow selves instead of rejecting, the more into balance we become and the more the two universes become one."


My theory is that there was a first person who stepped inside the virtual reality game to set up camp for the rest of us. We call this person "God" and "Creator" but I think that is because we are literally taking a walk inside the world his thoughts initially created. Sure we stepped inside and became co-creators, but he was the first. I like to call him the "Navigator."

Now let's talk about "Michael" and "Lucifer". Depicted in the art is Archangel Michael slaying the dragon, aka Lucifer. But what does this show us, really? I believe fully that Michael and Lucifer represents the initial split that took place.... polar opposites. It was the first split that created two parallel realities.


The book of Revelations speaks of a great battle in heaven, but I really think the only battle in heaven is the two originals coming back together into harmony, balance and as one being. The Dark Crystal story is a truth hidden in plain sight and most people have missed it. The Original really IS the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. .


Again I ask, how do you slay a dragon? By loving it.


Maybe a brave artist should paint a picture of Michael and Lucifer embracing each other and making peace because I think they are basically the same being...two sides of the same coin.


Love is always the answer. Love your shadows.



If the Mystics and Skeksis are two sides of the same coin and really one being split in two to create polar opposites...


Then maybe the Luck Dragon and Gmork are also two sides of the same coin.

But let's look at what the wolf wants to achieve. We assume the wolf is "evil" and "bad" but maybe he knows something everyone else doesn't know. He wants the Great Nothing to come and destroy Fantasia. But why? Fantasia isn't real and is dependent on our fantasies to keep it alive. Maybe by killing Gmork, the "brave" warrior was really preventing the rejoining of the two parts coming back together into one. Maybe the destruction of Fantasia was needed so that the Luck Dragon and Gmork could become one being again and everyone could be free. Maybe Gmork knows he is trapped there and wants to wake up and go home.


Now let's take this concept of "the great nothing" and look at it closely. What do so many who practice meditation try to achieve? Nothing. They try ever so hard to empty their minds and become blank. But maybe there has been a purpose all along for this yet it was lost when it was turned into religion. Religion fucks up and muddies so much because we get stuck on the rituals and forget the true purpose of those actions. .


Maybe the real reason for trying to achieve nothing in meditation is so that this false (virtual) reality put together with our own fantasies will disappear and we can wake up and go home. Maybe Trump dismantling Fantasia is really Gmork just wanting to wake up and go home.



Sarah: Through dangers untold. And hardships unnumbered. I have fought my way here to the castle; beyond the goblin city, to take back the child that you have stolen. My will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great...

Jareth: Stop! Look what I'm offering you. Your dreams.

Sarah: My kingdom as great... my kingdom as great... damn, I can never remember that line.

Jareth: I ask for so little. Just fear me. Love me. Do as I ask, and I shall be your slave.

Sarah: You have no power over me!

[echoes]

Sarah: [the clock chimes 13:00 at that moment. Defeated, Jareth sends Sarah and Toby back to the real world where the clock finishes chiming midnight]


Dream Journal Entry: March 21, 2016 Yesterday I had a dream about two different paths I could take and I said I wanted to go home. I couldn't imagine why we would need or want to go back to this other place. I said I wanted to head home.

Later I am traversing the side of a mountain. We get to a point where there are lots of people's belongings because they didn't make it all the way. They died trying. We get ready to head the direction we are going and suddenly a group of people come upon us going the opposite direction. The path is narrow so we have to carefully navigate moving past each other without anyone falling down the steep drop off. It feels like some of the other group comes with us and there is one in our group wearing an unusual sweater that had big stripes on the front. I want to say purple and white stripes and the back half of the sweater was a different color and design. There was someone in the other group wearing an identical sweater and they start talking about their sweaters. We end up in some place that almost seems like a mountainside oasis. There was a building and inside there was a table. At the table a dead woman encased in glass sat upright. She looked like she had been there a while. I was startled when the mouth started to move but no sound was coming out. Eventually she started to move and the case of glass fell to the floor releasing her. I was a little freaked out but curious. I think there was something about her being "the professor's wife". At first she looked really old and wrinkled, but the longer she was out, the more the wrinkles and aged skin smoothed and plumped. She looked nothing like she did when she broke out of the case. There was a bit about tagging someone named "@mrvaudeville" and he was some important club owner or high up person. I had no idea who he was at first, i only had used his name because it was used by Deryck or whomever this public figure was the focus. Mr. Vaudeville was the top man, so having his name to tag was quite an asset. Like it felt like a huge score for us and I had accidentally tagged him without knowing who he was for one of my quote/image pairings.


Photo by Ivan Kavaldzhiev
What if the story of Snow White and Rose Red is really about the splitting apart of self to create polar opposites?

I once heard in my head in the in-between state, "RoseTop died fairly." I thought it was very curious and sat there trying to understand what it meant. I had a dream once where a woman named Rose died and apparently I had let her die on her own. In another dream I saw a red haired girl sleeping on a shelf. I invite her to join me in my bed so she could be more comfortable but she declined.


In the story of the Lindworm Prince two flowers are given...a red rose and a white rose. The mother is told to choose just one but she chooses both and it is disastrous resulting in twins...a normal "good" one, and a Lindworm. Sounds a little like Adam and a serpent in the Garden of Eden, eh? What if all of the Beauty and the Beast styled tales are about loving your shadow self and not really about romance?


In Through the Looking Glass, Alice encounters both a Red Queen and a White Queen. Two sides of the same coin split apart, perhaps?


While the Red Queen is often seen as angry and bitter, I think she actually represents the heart because I see my Rose Top, who sleeps on a shelf right now, as being the kinder and gentler part of me. I believe fully that "Rose Top" had to die in the parallel merging universe so that she could step inside to merge with this version of me. Often when I see myself in dreams, I have snow white hair. Over and over I dream of being in snow and cold. I'm not entirely sure what I will see when I integrate the other part of me and bring her into balance within me, but lately I have been dreaming that the snow is melting.


Heart/red and mind/white need to become balanced within to become one being.


The battle is within.


Everything that is outside of us first starts within us.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Book Review, Soul Connections in Dreams

I posted a review about Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny: Confessions of Punk Rock's Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout on Instagram initially. I did eventually take it down. It is still up on my Facebook "like" page, but I thought I would post it here too and discuss why I am interested in her and how certain people are brought to our awareness in dreams long before we know their current identity.

Book Review:
 

I finished reading Laura Jane Grace's book, Tranny, recently. I went into it not really knowing what to expect, but am so glad I did. I felt a little like Bastian in The Neverending Story experiencing what Atreyu was experiencing in his trials and tribulations and I simply could not put the book down. I cheered her on. I got mad at the cops who were abusive to her. I fell in love with those she fell in love with and I felt anguish, loss and desolation at times. So many experiences she describes, like drug use, I can't at all relate to but I was fascinated by all of the details of a life somewhat foreign to me. I am completely inhibited and not much of a risk taker, so that was interesting to see through her eyes and listen to what she was feeling and experiencing along the way. Like with so many fictional characters we read about, for instance Lestat, Lasher, and Mona Mayfair, we fall in love with them. We follow their journey and we get to know them. They feel like friends we would love to have coffee and long conversations with. Okay, maybe with Lestat it would be blood we would share. Lol But by the end of this book, I was left with a yearning and longing that she was really my friend. I was left wishing she was the kind of friend who was so close enough to me that she knows she can call me at 2am and I would always make time for her no matter what. While I appreciated getting to know Tom, I am glad I didn't know who Against Me! were until now because, really, Tom was a lie. He wasn't who she really is. He was just the mask she wore and I have so much love and respect for the woman she is now. Knowing Tom would have skewed my feelings and made it harder for me to accept the real version because he would have left a bad taste in my mouth. I have gazed at pictures of both and there is a completely different energy. They look completely different. I would have never been attracted to Tom and yet Laura I find so completely adorable. And I do mean that in a date-able way even though I have never dated a woman. I find myself incredibly attracted to her. I hope she continues to keep journals and writes a sequel eventually. PS my number is 867-5309



Soul Connections in Dreams:
 

So many that go down the path of dream interpretation, because they are prolific dreamers, tend to stick to interpreting dreams as being all subconscious shit you are trying to work through and, by seeing them only in this way, you are missing the other messages that are trying to make it through. What many fail to recognize is that we often leave our bodies when we go to sleep. To think that everything you see is happening in your head would be erroneous. That simply isn't the case. We leave our bodies and go off to hang out with other people, but what both parties see in those moments can look very different based on what we need as reference points to connect the dots and eventually understand the messages.

I once had what I considered the absolute worst psychic reading ever and the only thing this guy got that I kind of resonated with at the time was he told me that there was someone very meaningful to me in Chicago. I threw away the rest of what he had to say. Little did I know at the time, it was actually one of the better readings, I just didn't know how to interpret it at the time. Dreams are often the same way. We need more pieces of our puzzle to come in before we can fully understand the meanings of certain aspects of dreams. This was the case for me when I started having dreams about men who liked to dress in women's clothing and then it started to evolve into men who were transitioning into women. I was also having dreams about having a relationship with a woman. I have never been with a woman nor have I been tempted to do so. It was curious, to say the least. While I have a beloved trans person in my life, the dreams didn't feel like they were about that specific person.

I have shared some of these dreams on Instagram but will put them all in one place in this post.

Dreams:


Photo of Ruby Rose

February 10, 2014 
I died in my weird ass dream. I was driving up a mountain and parts of the road had fallen away and the car I was driving went off the cliff. I woke up and was inside a robot version of me and the people who made it were trying to convince my husband it would be just as good as the human me. And then the scene changed and I was me again and this awesomely tattooed woman walks by. I was looking at her tattoos feeling like I recognized her and I said "oh I saw you in the paper and just thought you were so beautiful. I love your tattoos." She had blue and blond and black hair. She pulled me close to her so our bodies were against each other and asked me to meet her at the Crystal Ballroom for a date. I didn't know what to say. I was tempted but my husband was standing right there and as she held me against her, my body responded to her. I sheepishly told her that I was married and had to decline. I think she was a hair dresser or something. I looked over at her while I was leaving the place and grinned real big and said bye. When I woke shortly after I was doing that gasping for air thing.
Photo art by Jamie Vesta
February 1, 2016 
I seem to recall dreaming of the actor who plays Hoyt on True Blood. I had to look up his name. Apparently it is Jim. In the dream it started with doing something on the computer...some sort of online communication. I can't remember how he ended up at our house, but he did. I am not even sure why I was excited about it. He was sweet like his character, Hoyt. I got the impression he didn't feel quite like he could be himself in his world. I think I was encouraging him to let go and be himself. We were talking about accents (I just posted something about accents on a Sum 41 post) and I am hearing myself and feeling surprised at how southern I sound. It seems he ordered something and it arrived. It was a white dress. Next we seem to be in his truck driving, It was high up off the ground like those monster trucks. At first we were driving in circles around the driveway really fast and then we are driving down the highway going really fast. I wasn't scared. we pass a guy in another jacked up truck like ours, and he decides he wants to race us. He waves at me and I wave back and smile but he isn't able to pass us. It jumps and we were now out of the truck and Hoyt/Jim is now wearing the white dress. He says something about how the stupid dress was meant for him. He is acting upset. I touch his back and said "It isn't stupid, honey. You look beautiful." I am stroking his back and wrapping my arms around him in an embrace. Suddenly his hair is now long and I am stroking it and telling him that it is okay and that he should be free to be who he wants to be and that I loved him exactly the way he is. I look at him and his face has changed. He is smiling, he now has facial hair...a short dark beard and he is wearing make-up and i think there might have been a couple piercings. I think he is beautiful and I like the changes. and then I wake up.

Crop of photo by David Leyes

June 1, 2016
I had some CRAZY dreams last night. I will recall the most vivid one first. I dreamed of Deryck Whibley and he is talking about how he has trouble getting erect. He seems to want to say something but is holding back. I gently coax him into telling me. He confesses that when he wears women's underwear, it helps to stimulate him into arousal and he wishes he could get stimulated without it because his girlfriend doesn't really like that he needs the women's underwear to help him. I am sympathetic and tell him I kind of dig a man in silky underwear. I told him he shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed...that it was perfectly okay. 

Photographer Unknown.


June 5, 2016 
I dreamed there were these odd people who turned up at my house. I wasn't sure what they wanted. They were there with a black pick-up truck and handed me the keys saying it was a gift for me. I was confused. I was shown in images all these things I could have chosen that were considered less than savory or less preferred and I had turned them all down. Apparently they were set-ups to see what I would do and what I would choose. I was shown that I was being rewarded with the gift of the truck for my good choices in those situations. They also offered me time with the people they sent. I want to say massages were offered but I declined yet thanked them for offering. I seem to recall seeing something like big flashy plastic costume jewelry everywhere. I wasn't sure why it was there. The women lingered behind. One was dark haired, very pretty and showed an interest in me. At first I politely declined her advances but then changed my mind and kissed her. With just the kiss I orgasmed. I don't remember much else about that part.




July 19, 2016
I have been dreaming that I am a hermaphrodite lately. On a spiritual meaning level it is a really great symbol of balance and integration of masculine and feminine. On an entirely human level it just seems strange in my waking state to think about. In the first one I had both penis and vagina and had sex with myself. In the second it was said that it was all internal and the doctors said it could be fixed. I said I didn't want to be "fixed", that I was fine as I was.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002) as seen here.


Dream Journal Entry: January 19, 2017
WARNING: The next two dreams will be considered explicit to some people, so please skip reading it if sexual content makes you uncomfortable.
 
Right before I woke there was a bit about a guy who is a costume designer/hair stylist. Apparently he is supposed to be the same guy as the one I had hugged and kissed on the cheek earlier. I greet him and he is talking about a really special and elaborate hair piece he is working on. I ask to see it and he shows me. I am marveling at how long the hair is and how he was able to put it together. I am asking what material he used to make it and the hair weaves he does for clients. He has a couple clients there and one is sitting in a chair. He is getting hair put on to his own so that it is longer and fuller. The costume designer is wearing a velour type floor length gown. It is simple in style and is blue and white in color. He is talking about what it is made of and I say it looks soft and ask if I can touch it. He says yes and I run my hand down his chest but then it continues to travel down between his legs and I touch him there briefly. We both smile at each other. The position I am in is blocking the view of the clients so they can't see what I just did. I think something is mentioned about it being soft like rabbit and I asked if it was synthetic. I venture to touch him clandestinely again. It was at this point I had this knowing that he was actually a transitioned female. I am seeing in my head she has a brother but she had made the transition and no longer had a penis. She is now sitting in one of the salon style chairs and I come up behind her and I kiss her cheek and slide a hand down the velvety dress and reach past the skirt and touch her inside. She doesn't resist and I say to her, "I love you." And I started to wake up there.

Photo by Christer Strömholm (1918–2002)


I was dreaming I was in a car maybe. I seem to be having sex with a couple different women. They were doing things to me to pleasure me. It was my first lesbian experience and I just allowed it and felt what I was experiencing. After having been pleasured by them both, I felt it was my turn to reciprocate, but I was unsure of myself in the situation. I started kissing one girl who had kissed me first and she says I should kiss the other girl who had made me orgasm and saying something about how she herself was easy to love because of her appealing and nicely shaped body but that people like me should be given more love because our bodies were harder to love. That the main woman loved people like me more because of our imperfections. When I went to kiss the main woman, it became obvious why she liked people more who had imperfect bodies because she was imperfect as well. The first thing I noticed was she had no hair. She was bald. I kissed her and started to touch her. When I reached down between her legs, it was revealed that she had a penis and this was where she lacked physically because she didn't have a vagina. Obviously this didn't matter to me since I happen to like penis and I stroked her until she was hard enough to mount. She seemed pleased that I wasn't put off by her having a penis. We had sex and I see her again popping up later and surprising me. It seems she is self conscious and doesn't usually pursue people for a relationship but I see her in a meadow waiting for me wearing a crown of pine to make her blend in with the vegetation. She popped up to reveal her interest. It seems I am now seeing it from the outside as a scene and they have fast forwarded and there is really bad make-up trying to make them look old and showing them still together. They have a baby together too. 

The dream jumps and there was some bit about James Franco and in my head I am thinking he wishes he was a woman. He wants to be known as a woman.

When I went back to sleep, there was something about a guy I liked. He feels almost like the same one from the earlier dream only there doesn't seem to be gender confusion. He seems to like me but there is an issue with his ex-wife. She is trying to keep him there for herself to use him as she wishes. They (not sure who "they" are) want me to go in and wake him up and get him away from her. Once he is away from her, it will be better. I went upstairs​ to the bedroom where he was sleeping and had a couple skillets I was banging together to make a loud noise. The ex-wife wanted me gone and didn't want me to wake him. But I didn't stop. He started to rouse and saw me and smiled. We ended up having sex there and then and I think it was agreed that he would come live where I was living. He was going to come be with me. There was something about remembering three things about him but for the life of me I can't remember.


   
Additional Dream Clues:

These are just a few of the dreams I have had. There have been a lot. These are simply the ones that stand out in my mind. Consistently I have had dreams that reference people with the names "Thomas" and "Jim/James" over and over again. I have also had dreams referencing Chicago, Illinois and Gainesville, Florida. I just filed it all away and figured it might make sense some day. When I was looking for photos and quotes about gender neutrality for Instagram, I came across Laura Jane Grace from Against Me! but I totally didn't pay attention. It was while I was having a conversation with my friend, Ashely, from In My Sacred Space, about the whole men in dresses and transgender issue and she mentioned the band Against Me! and the lead singer. She mentioned that the music is really good too. I told her that I had come across them but didn't explore it further past reading a short blurb. It was because Ashley was bringing them up that I felt like this was a nudge to look further in that direction and so I did.

I was SHOCKED!

With each piece of little information I gained, I was blown away. Laura Jane Grace's name before transition was Thomas James Gabel. There were those two names I kept getting in dreams. Thomas spent years living in Gainesville, Florida but was now living in Chicago as Laura Jane Grace. I have consistently had crows and ravens showing up in both dreams and as signs and syncs in my day to day life. Laura is covered in tattoos of ravens and crows. I got really excited about learning about her and making all of these amazing connections.

What does it all mean?

I am not entirely sure yet but I am pretty sure we are connected on a deep soul level, but what can I possibly do about it? I guess that is the real million dollar question. I have tried reaching out to her, but she doesn't seem to remotely recognize me energetically which makes it pretty hard. The more I have come to know about her, the more I doubt my ability to connect with her. I had similar dreams that connected me to Dercyk Whibley from Sum 41, but he seemed to recognize my energy even if he didn't realize it was recognition. At the beginning, he was very responsive to me...maybe a little too responsive because it suddenly stopped one day even though I had said nothing at that point to offend. Oh I definitely said things later to provoke and offend, but that was more out of feeling hurt and confused about why I had been cut off when no one else had in that community. A dream indicated that he had been given an order to kill me and I considered his then fiance was insecure and told him to stop talking to me. For the three years I have gotten to know this character in the play. I know and understand that Deryck is loyal and faithful to those closest to him, so I can see him complying with her wishes. How was he to know we are connected on a soul level and how these actions would wound me deeply? Despite all of the hurt I felt, I tried to keep at it and reach him. Humor with him I found pretty effortless. I don't know why. I can easily be playful and silly with him and I have struggled to be playful in the same way with Laura and I don't know why. I sit there staring at the blank dialogue box with the cursor blinking and taunting me. I will start and then erase and just give up because if what I am writing bores the fuck out of me, surely it isn't worth posting.

What I know for sure my guides have asked me to do with both Deryck and Laura is to wake them up. With Deryck I got really frustrated with trying and had a dream at one point where I hid the radio alarm clock because I was sick of listening to it blaring and him not waking up. I was told then that "they" would not be happy that I had done that. In the recent dream that I feel was about Laura, I was banging two frying pans together by her to wake her up. I tried posting and tagging her after that, but all of my attempts to connect just fall flat. 


My guides ask the impossible of me. 

I am nobody...no one...and they want me to reach out and wake these two celebrity people up so we can do the work we came here to do, but I just don't know how I can do this. Yes, work, not sex. Hahaha I know some of my dreams might make you think it is all about sex. Honestly, I think we interpret merging with the energy of others as sex because that is really the main reference point we have for that sort of thing in the physical. I definitely think it is about work, whatever that may look like, that we are meant to do together. Is it music related? That would be the logical deduction. That is what I think the baby in the last dream represents...something created together.

The task feels impossible...

...and yet I know it is possible.

I just haven't figured out which corridor in the maze is going to lead me there.