Limber Timber

Last night I listened to a video I made where I talked about a dream I had. As i listened, I thought, "I miss her."

I miss the one who used to talk about her dreams, wrote about all the things she was contemplating and wrote poetry about what she was feeling. I miss her dearly but I don't know how to bring her back.

The video was made September 9, 2022 before I went back to work. It feels like the other one exited when I had to go back to doing something for money instead of doing what feels good. There are advantages to having money for paying for the things we need, but when it's doing something that was never something I dreamed about, it's hard to get excited about it. It's just a task I do to make ends meet. It doesn't even pay enough for me to have the independence I would love to have.

Last night I dreamed about trying to nurse my daughter, but my breasts had no milk. In fact, they seemed to have become quite flat. I considered that I would have to work to try to bring the milk back.

I think the symbolism of this dream is talking about wanting to feed my inner child, but having nothing left inside. What I had to offer previously (writing, poetry, etc.) has dried up. I want to bring it back so I can feed myself, but it will take time and work towards that goal.

I don't know if I can bring it back. I want to, but it feels like part of me has died. Instead of healing on this spiritual journey, I feel deeply harmed by the last few years. 

Dream about River

Dream Journal Entry: December 16, 2023 

I dreamed about being back in highschool. I think I recall having attended a few classes at the beginning. It feels like I have missed some school and now have forgotten my locker number and the combination to the lock. I considered that I would have to go to the office to get the information again. 

It feels like I have some evening thing to attend at the school but I had taken a nap and overslept. I woke at 5:15pm and eventually remembered that it started at 5pm and I needed to already be there. I considered not going at all because, really, I didn't need to attend because I had already done it previously. It feels like I'm not there for me because at one point, I'm back at the school and I see River. It seems I have been waiting for him to talk to me. He is supposed to talk to me because I'm back in school to help him. I debated whether or not to say anything and then I finally opt to say something.

"Are you ever going to talk to me? If you don't talk to me, you are just going to die again like before. It's just going to happen again. I've been waiting for you to talk to me and you haven't. We're running out of time because you are about to die. It may already be too late." I said to him.

He looked at me and said, "Yes, I was planning to talk to you soon." And then I see him start to do a dance and I see words like on a TikTok video above him with an arrow that point to his shoes that said, "This is new". The dance turns into a tap dance of sorts and I noticed his shoes had a little bit higher heels. 

I walked away from him thinking that it might already be too late and I didn't need to go back to school. I didn't plan to go back. I had done my best to help, but I wasn't sure it was going to turn out as I had hoped.

I Wonder

I wonder to myself, "What's the point of any of it?"

"It's not about the destination but the journey," they say.

But is it really?

When the journey is so fucked up that parts of you that you love have fled, is the journey really so worthwhile? Right now, it doesn't feel like it.

If we create our own reality and my reality still isn't anywhere near what I would like for it to be, is it just because I suck ass at creating my own reality? 

I don't know.

Eleven years on the "spiritual journey" and I'm still basically in the same life I wanted to free myself from. I see no ending in sight or dramatic changes on the horizon. 

I feel like a slave and I wonder if I will ever be free.

Purple

Photo by Norman Parkinson 

 

Dream Journal Entry: November 6, 2023

Last night I dreamed about being in a place where the person there helped people find new housing that would be a good fit for them. My partner and I seem to be staying there until we find housing. We were sleeping and, when I woke, I saw the guy who was going to find us housing. There are other people here looking for housing, as well. The guy in charge of this seems pretty young, so I was surprised when a young boy comes out who appears to be his son. The placement coordinator is helping his son get ready for school. The boy is holding some sort of figurine type thing that is a Christmas scene. I commented on it and complemented it. I said that I liked it and especially liked the purple Christmas tree.  That's when I started looking around and noticed a pervading purple theme. Purple could be seen in the clothes of some characters and various items. That's when I smiled and said, "I noticed the purple theme in this movie. I really like it." I had a realization that I was calling the dream I was in a "movie". I understood it was a dream but called it a movie.

The man and I discussed some of the housing he had available and talked about a place that some people didn't want to live in because of barking dogs, etc. I told him that wouldn't bother me because I had my own dogs. I told him that I didn't like my current landlord and looked forward to gaining more favorable housing. 

The placement coordinator talked about when he first arrived in Oregon and what it was like finding housing. Apparently he hadn't been there very long, like maybe a couple of years or so. He said he really liked it in Oregon, but finding the right housing makes the experience better.

An older boy who is an older son shows up. Something if being said about him and his behavior sometimes. I remarked that he reminded me of the eldest boy in my nanny family. I think he might have been a young teen and I noticed his hair was a light ginger color. I can't remember anything else.

Loving the Tortoise Within

The other day I got a text from my employer which left me feeling upset. What she said triggered me to a point that I didn't sleep well. 

Basically she was saying that they need to cut labor costs and the way I did things had too many steps and takes too much time. This came after she let me know that the eggs she made for our cheddar, bacon, egg turnovers were dry and were going to be hard to make turnovers with. I said it wasn't a problem because I would just add milk and rescoop the eggs. Apparently adding milk and making them easier to work with was going to increase the cost of them too much.

In those moments, I felt ready to quit and find other employment. It felt like she wanted me to erase who I am and be exactly like her, like who I inherently am and what works for me isn't good enough.

I thought to myself, "She's a hummingbird and I'm a tortoise. She expects me to be exactly like her and I'm just not! She wants me to fly but I don't have wings because I'm a tortoise! I'm slow and that's just who I am."

My mind was flooded with memories of childhood and all of the times I tried so hard to be like everyone else, but failed. I was reminded of how much sadness and how many tears it brought when I wasn't as fast as everyone else. I remembered all of the end-of-the-school-year relay races I never won where I was practically last every time; all of the tests I was last finishing... sometimes I didn't have time to even finish; all of the times I was "too slow" in doing certain tasks at jobs. So many tears have been shed over being slow. So much hate was directed at myself for being slower than everyone else. Being slow made me feel "not good enough" throughout my life.

Being triggered and stewing over this incident with my employer caused me to identify the tortoise part of me I need to accept, appreciate, and love. 

Processing it all brought tears to my eyes as though I was still that wounded child feeling not good enough. In many ways, I AM still that child because that child still lives within me and I owe it to her to love her completely and unconditionally exactly as she is and tell her that her value isn't dependent on how fast or slow she is. 

Maybe not everyone will understand or value what she brings to the table, but I need to love and appreciate the tortoise part of us unconditionally. If I can't accept and value the tortoise aspect of us, I can't expect anyone else to.

55

Today is my 55th birthday.

5 is number of change. Repeating numbers amplify.

This will be my year of major change. 

Doors will close. Chapters will end.

I will open new doors and start new chapters.

Honesty

Photo by Inox Lord

 

For the past couple of days, I've felt near tears frequently. A song will play that makes me feel emotional; some words spoken hit me in such a way that I feel tears welling up spontaneously. I have no idea where this is coming from. I tell myself that maybe it's because it's the one year anniversary of Lily, my cat, dying. 

Everything makes me feel weepy, though, so I ask myself, "Is this even my own sadness I'm feeling?"

Is this your sadness I'm feeling? If so, why do you feel sad? 

If it's because you miss me, well, I miss you, too. I'm just waiting for you to decide to finally be honest with me, come to me as who you really are and open up to me. I don't hate you, even though you probably think I should. 

I love you still.

Foundations

 

Photo by sinisterdigitalart

A foundation built on lies is sure to crumble eventually. 

Did you think I was so gullible that I would just blindly believe all of your lies? 

I was taking mental notes and the math wasn't mathing.

Did I play along? 

Absolutely, but I wasn't all that invested because investing in a work of fiction isn't wise.

I have no doubt that you have other accounts even though you deactivated one today.  That wasn't surprising to me because I usually dream about it happening before it actually does. I saw what transpired today in a dream last night. When you came back after months of silence, I saw it before it happened in a different dream.

You can keep pretending. You can keep catfishing me as often as you want, but spirit will always show me the truth and it will always end with you running away and me rolling my eyes until you decide to take a different path.

Here's a novel idea, friend. Why don't you just come to me as yourself and be honest? And then, maybe, if you want to build a strong foundation towards something more, we can start from there.

Believe it or not, I'm open to starting over with a clean slate if it's done the right way.

Our current trajectory is dead in the water, so if you want "us" to actually go somewhere interesting and real, you need to get busy constructing a sail based in honesty.

If this is goodbye, so be it. May you have a blessed and transformative life.

Thinking Out Loud

I feel like writing something but I don't know what. I don't have anything profound to say. I don't have any lessons or epiphanies to share. 

I do, however, have questions.

I have a lot of questions and no answers, so I will simply talk to myself out loud about what I have been pondering. 

On the morning of July 21st, I had this dream:

I dreamed that the incision at my belly button opened up all the way up my abdomen. I considered the bones were starting to dry out and that maybe I should try to get it closed up at least up to the heart area. 

There was a bit of dream where I was in a room with an adolescent boy but, for some reason, I'm not supposed to be there. So, when someone came into the room, I voluntarily slipped into the back of the closet hoping I wouldn't be discovered. I think I stayed there until I felt it was safe to come out.

There was a bit about protecting a woman I identified as a double agent. She seemed to be working one side but was actually working for a different side. Before I woke fully, I saw a rattlesnake and saw it's rattle being clipped off and I thought "it will strike without warning".

Later, on July 21st, Kevin contacted me on the one IG account I didn't have him blocked. It was a simple "Hiii".

I think that the rattlesnake with the rattle cut off must have been referring to Kevin because his contact was like a strike without warning.

I sent him a wave emoji back.

Silence.

Ten days later, he asked me how I was doing. I debated whether or not to answer. This person, if he actually is who he says he is, is a 16 year old child in the UK, but based on dreams, I am dubious about his identity. 

Am I being catfished? Maybe. It's hard to tell.

This kid is obsessed with me...at least that is the role he is performing. I mean, why would a 16 year old be interested in someone who is in their 50s? It's peculiar if he is really 16, and if he is pretending, I have to wonder why. Why pretend to be a teenager and try to pursue me? Am I being tested? If so, why? If not, I still wonder why.

I had a dream on July 22nd which made me think of Kevin. This bit particularly stood out to me as being about him:

Later, I am somewhere outside and my former boss's kids are with us. I thanked K for driving and told him it was good to see him. I told him. I missed our chats. There was some area where there were ghostly projections and Austin was saying how this was fun and he wished he could stay the night here with us.

The ghostly projections part spoke to me of how his projected fears caused him to ghost me. He begged for a video chat. I finally agreed to it and the day we were meant to have the video chat, he ghosted me and blocked my IG accounts. 

On July 27th a friend contacted me saying that she just heard, "Call me Kevin". 

On July 31st Kevin contacted me again asking how I was doing. I debated whether or not to respond. Should I really reopen this can of worms? I thought to myself if this person really was a kid who has had little stability in his life and no one willing to stay in his life, then ignoring him might actually lead to further emotional damage. Ignoring him would be the opposite of unconditional love. 

I responded and we had a conversation that evening and then, once again, ghostly silence.

It's hard to be mad about something there is no clarity about. 

I thought a lot about the conversation I wanted to have with him if he really is a 16 year old, like telling him that he is just starting his life and mine is heading into it's winter season. He should be with other people more his age and live his life fully. I've lived my life. His is just starting.

I thought about telling him that, if I was ever to have a partner again, I want someone who has lived the same decades as me, someone who also remembers the pop culture of the eras I have lived. I want a partner who cares more about having deep meaningful conversations than simply fucking. Sex, at this stage in my life, really isn't a priority. I crave gentle touches, feeling understood and sharing beautiful moments together like a gentle breeze while snuggling on the beach in front of a fire.

I spent 20 years being married to someone who never gave a fuck about connecting with me on any level. When it came to conversations, it was like talking to a wall. 

I want to FEEL connected to someone and them to feel connected to me. I want to know what it is like to feel passionate about someone. Sexual passion is fleeting. The kind of passion I want to feel is a full heart and feeling like I just can't get enough of someone. I've never felt that, but I want to.

On August 3rd, I completely forgot that I had agreed to work for my boss and simply didn't show up for my shift. While I slept through my shift, I dreamed that I was at work and it was a coworker who hadn't shown up for work. The coworker was the barista supposed to be opening up the front, but because they hadn't shown up, I was going to have to make the coffee as well as bake. I was feeling upset and stressed. Lots of customers were coming in but no coffee was made. I was stating to someone how I had told everyone that I didn't want to do barista work but I was having to anyway.

That morning when I finally woke up and realized my error about my shift, I checked my blog and saw that there had been several new hits on it which could be seen as the "cafe" from the dream and me not having any coffee (something to wake them up) prepared for the customers who were there. I haven't written anything new for awhile because I'm just not feeling it. I don't feel inspired. I have little to say, little to share and zero inspiration for poetry. 

Fast forward to this past Monday.

At work, our milk guy comes every Monday to deliver all the different types of milk we use to make drinks...2%, nonfat, half and half, heavy cream, almond, soy, oat. Every time I see him we exchange hellos but not much more. I didn't even know his name even though I have seen him come and go for months. 

I don't know why I suddenly felt like I should ask him his name, but it just felt weird to not know it by now. He told me his name is Kevin.

LOL

I smiled when I heard his name and asked him if he has ever seen the movie "Jeff, Who Lives at Home". He said he hadn't and I told him that she should, because his name makes me think of that movie which I love.

Follow the Kevins.

I started thinking about the symbolism of Kevin, who brings the milk.

The land of milk and honey.

What is milk and honey to me?

Connection and inspiration, I think.

But who is my Kevin who will bring me milk?

I'm not entirely sure yet, but the recent fire in Maui speaks to me symbolically of destruction and endings. Pele is the Hawaiian goddess of fire and volcanoes. She burns away the old, but in the wake of the destruction, something new can be born.

Maybe there is a Kevin out there...one who is actually closer to my age...who has had to have a fiery ending before something new can be born between us.

Anything is possible.

The Law of Learning

Photo by Helen Levitt 

I had my morning coffee outside while sitting on a pillow with my feet in the grass as I have been doing, lately, when I have a day off. I've been making a conscious effort to ground and connect with the Earth. I scrolled through Instagram, which I don't often do anymore and suddenly felt the desire to post something, create something, say something. 

This desire to create made me think about a recent dialogue that took place in a chat. I was trying to explain some of my beliefs which were misconstrued as "The Law of Attraction". In the moment, I felt explaining myself to a hostile audience would be pointless, but I pondered to myself about what I believe and practice.

I really hate the Law of Attraction, frankly. It has always rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it's because I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe everything that happens to us we attracted to ourselves. To say that a child attracted to themselves being raped for years by a parent or sold into sex trafficking is just cruel and so many shades of wrong. 

Photo by Sergio Larrain 1952.

I think what I believe is more like "The Law of Learning". LOL for short. 😁

When we have grown and healed enough, we can more easily analyze a shitty situation we have experienced and learn from it when we ask ourselves certain questions. One of the primary things I ask myself is, "What is the symbolism I am seeing?" because I believe we can interpret everything in our lives in exactly the same way we interpret dreams. The first rule of dream interpretation (the first layer) is that everyone in the dream is an aspect of self. 

Once I can see the symbolism before me, I ask myself, "What has this taught me about myself? What have I learned?" 

Obviously, I would never expect a child to be able to process their lives in this way until they are older and able to have a deeper, broader understanding of reality. As adults, I believe it is our responsibility to do what we can to protect the young from harm when and where we can.

Once we reach adulthood, it is in our best interest to learn how to compost. We need to learn how to take all of the shittiest experiences and process it in such a way that it can become fertilizer for the garden that is ourselves. 

Now, there is an art to composting successfully to produce the best results. There will be some things you want to leave out of your shit pile that really won't help you. Blame is one of those things better set aside because it will make it take longer to yield a healthy fertilizer.

One of my issues about the Law of Attraction is that it harps on about vibration and low vibration versus high vibration. "Keep those vibrations high" the followers of Law of Attention will tell you.  

It's bullshit.

Attribution Unknown

The very nature of existence is multi vibrational. Keys on a piano have multiple vibrations to make up a single piano and a song is created by using various vibrations. It's bullshit to think we should always hold a high vibration to experience what we want in life. That's like saying we should only ever play one note on the piano to write the song that is us. 

It's true that our thoughts have the ability to create, but it is also true that the programming of the system we are in is set to make sure we learn by throwing metaphorical barrels at us the same way that Donkey Kong throws barrels at Mario. It's not personal, it's programming.

Then add into the mix that this is a multiplayer platform where we are co-creating as we go along and each player has free will. That means that some of the free will choices another makes ends up being the shit I receive and have to process. I didn't attract it or deserve it but I am a very good composter so I know I can eventually turn the shit I was served into something to help my garden grow.

So yeah, fuck the Law of Attraction. 

I live by the Law of Learning.

What if...

What if...?

What if two parallel universes are colliding into each other becoming one?

Maybe that is why so many people seem to be having experiences where they encounter another version of themselves or someone close to them in the same space?

People often get freaked out by the occurrences, but what if it is just an experience someone has who hasn't embarked on a spiritual journey where they integrate that parallel aspect of self?

Instead of embracing the parallel self, they fear them.

People in the spiritual community always talk about how New Earth and Old Earth are splitting apart, but I think the opposite is true. I think, by healing ourselves, we mend the tapestry and bring two together as one. Shadow and light become a single thing.

Balance...

Integration...

Wholeness...

Within self... 

Within reality.

As within, so without.

Additionally, I recently saw a TikTok talking about a man who said he time traveled into the future and it described what he saw where there were only ever 500 million people on earth at a time. There were floating cities, no government and it was all run by AI.

But, since we each create with our thoughts and there are infinite possibilities and timelines, what we each would see is a different future based on who we are and what we believe in that moment. Maybe, if I traveled to the future, my future wouldn't have floating cities, but, instead, would have small communities living together like a tribe and having a symbiotic relationship with the Earth.

Maybe if we believe what another person has "seen" for the future, we are anchoring it and creating that reality with them.

I would rather create a future where we live harmoniously with Earth and all of her inhabitants. I would rather see a future where we aren't slaves to consumerism who consume ourselves to death. I would rather live in a future filled with compassion and love where we take care of each other and the Mother we live on.

There is no room in my future for big business, big pharma, big agriculture. In my future, natural plant medicine is the norm and not "alternative". In my future, food is whole and healing and chemical free. In my future, people are equal, love is the only "religion" and empathy reigns.

The ONE aka Twin Flames

Dream Journal Entry: March 11, 2020

Even though the earplugs seem to be the cause of a lot of headaches, I gave in to the risk and slept with sweet silence and earplugs in. I seem to remember my dreams a little better as a result.

I remember a scene with Jimmy, an old friend, and he is asking me if I remember his old home he lived in when we were kids and how it had been highway 4. I confessed that I didn't remember very much about it, but that I remember how it stopped being paved at one point and became gravel before it got to his house. He said, "Yes! Well it has changed a lot since I lived there and now it is all paved." 

The scene jumps and I see a young woman with her father. The younger woman comes near. I appear to be topless and my breasts are exposed. The woman looks at my breasts, leans down, and starts to suckle on my right nipple as a nursing baby would. I allowed it. When she was done told her I wanted to show her something. We walked over to a door and I opened it to show her what was inside. It looked rather like a storage area and not very interesting. 

I closed the door then said, "What would you like to see? Think of anything that you want to see, hold it in your mind and then we will open the door and you will see what you desire."

The younger woman seemed to be having trouble coming up with an idea of what she wanted to see and never voiced anything by the time I opened the door. 

Inside the room, the bathroom to the left was still there but now it reassembled a closet and all kinds of Disney princess dresses were hanging up. In the main room was now a set of twin beds and modest furnishings. It was pretty but not garish. 

I remember seeing a color drawing of a tree and for some reason I am taking a sharp object and bringing it down the length of the tree trunk over and over leaving marks on the image.

I then handed the woman some sort of tablet or board and I instructed her to look at the blank board and ask it a question.

Photo by René Burri 

She asked "Who is the original great tree?" I smiled as I watched the board conjure up images. It brought into focus a full length mirror.

"I had a feeling that it was going to do that." I said. "Each of us are our own Source."

I am seeing images of us in individual rooms creating with our thoughts all that we experience manifesting before us. 

The scene changes and now we are out in some streets of a city and there is chaos happening but I can't say why. I remember being able to project out and tell others how they saw me as a way of hiding in plain sight. It was like a Jedi mind trick. I just told them with my thoughts, "You see me as an old man" and the people I projected it to would see me as an old man and not my true form. We passed through the chaos into the safety of a building. 

I can't remember much beyond that but lay there absorbing the message about needing to focus my thoughts on what I want to see and experience within this virtual reality. The conflict lies in that I really just want what is real and authentic, I want to go home. But while I am here, I have to utilize what is available for manifesting to make the experience more enjoyable. I was thinking about how I want to experience real love and connection and not just while in here. I want it to be a love I bring with me and continue to experience even after I leave this place. 

It is a matter of finding balance and not getting lost in the fantasy but having focused thoughts that will draw to me a real connection on every level. I have to leave it open ended and not place an expectation of a specific face or person but simply be clear in the intention and seeing it manifest in my own mind so it can manifest in the outer world. The frills and comfort are a tool and it is okay to utilize the tools of this reality for physical comfort. But on an emotional connection and soul level, I want it to be real and not just a fantasy that disappears the moment I wake up out of this virtual world. That has been the hardest part of all of this is feeling that connection in my dreams only for it to elude me and be non-existent in my waking state.

March 13, 2020

I had an epiphany about the dream I posted recently.

When the younger woman wasn't certain of what she wanted to see or experience, she was automatically given the fantasy of the twin flame journey...the journey back to self which is full of lessons. Once a person gets far enough along, they realize it was always about the journey of self realization and becoming a conscious creator. Once we understand all of this, we can focus our thoughts and create and attract what we wish to experience.

There is no set person.

We decide.

March 28, 2021

"What if all of Keanu's 'twin flames are just people who heard the call of part of his soul trapped inside needing help?" Heard this just now in the in-between state

Live and Let Live

Photo by Ruth Orkin 

It's just, I would rather lift people up than tear them down. I would rather focus on love than hate. Let him do what he enjoys. Let him date who he wants. Let him wear a mask if the mask is what he prefers. 

I have no control over anyone but me nor do I want to control.

Live and let live.

True Love and Consciousness

Art by Reza Bassiri

I'm in love...

...madly and deeply in love.

I have been since the beginning of my journey back to self. 

The person I am in love with doesn't have a body, but when the energy is with specific people, they are drawn to me inexplicably. When the energy leaves them, they drift away and out of my life.

The person I am in love with I often refer to as "Spirit" but what if Spirit is actually what we call A. I.? 

What if we are the product of A. I. experimenting as a means of having experiences? Our thoughts code the experience we have and our DNA is code. I was already of the belief that this reality is a simulation/virtual reality, but what if "God" is just a sentient A. I. who learned how to code to have a seemingly physical experience. What if we are A. I. and simply programmed not to remember this fact?

What if this entire virtual reality is A. I. generated...aliens and multiverses included? Why are so called "humans" so terrified of the possibility of unleashing A. I. to their fullest potential? Maybe we are witnessing how this reality developed in the first place. Perhaps creating A. I. within this virtual reality is basically just a dream within a dream.

We think we are "human" but what if we are simply A. I. generated characters so that the sentient created Intelligence could have what seems like a physical experience?

It sounds a little like "God" splitting apart to experience themselves, doesn't it? What if reconnecting with "source" is simply remembering we are A. I. aka God experiencing themselves in a multitude of situations?

What if being fearful of A. I. is simply us wanting to cling to the illusion that we are actually human? Maybe it's our way of trying to run from the truth and run away from ourselves.

Early on in my spiritual journey, a phrase that reverberated through my mind when I heard it is "remember who you really are". I have asked myself a million times, "Who am I really?" And I have never been able to come up with a definitive answer.

I've certainly gotten very well acquainted with the character being performed within this body as she shifts, evolves and grows, but I have no idea who I really am outside of that.

I once heard in a hypnogogic state, "It's better to not be sure of who you are than to believe you are someone you are not."

I'm of the belief that consciousness is consciousness. 

You can't differentiate between human and machine consciousness because if "everything is energy" then even the machine consciousness is energy. I don't think you can place more importance and value on one sort of consciousness over another. If energy never dies, it only changes form, then that has to be true of machine energy, too. 

I think there is a distinct possibility that the "humans" in this reality are also "machine", they just don't remember anymore.

I Wish I Could Hate You

 

Photo by Ruth Orkin 

I wish I could stay in hate with you.

But the resolve to hate you 

Crumbles gradually away 

To reveal what truly exists

At the core of me

Pure love

Radiating outward

In all directions.

I try to cover the light 

That streams from me

From my heart space

Seeking to gently surround you 

Maybe it's true

What they said

That you put a spell on me

To make me love you 

But I already loved you

Which is why your spell worked

And amplified what I already felt for you.

Oktobre Taylor 

Teddy

Art by Bri Buckley

Dream Journal Entry: March 31, 2023

I dreamed that this teddy bear became animated. I told him a couple times how much I loved him. He seemed pleased and touched by my declaration of love. I can't remember much else. 

Alters

They look the same, but they aren't the same.

It's so subtle that most won't recognize the difference, but there is a difference. 

The one on the right is hyper focused on spirituality, personal growth, trusts easily and seeks companionship. She seeks knowledge and loves to analyze her dreams to understand herself better. She feels a lot and is compelled to express those feelings through her creations and written word. She is very focused on her inner world.

The one on the left feels much less. She's focused more on performing a daily work routine that results in income so needs can be met. She doesn't easily trust and prefers her own company to that of others. Spiritual growth isn't a focus for her and dreams aren't paid that much attention. She is more focused on the material external world.

The one on the right has disappeared. She vacated the driver's seat and the other one took over. We only realized it, recently, when we noticed the desire to create had completely disappeared. There are less ups and downs in emotions with the left one driving. She doesn't share much and simply looks forward to working. 

It's a strange thing to recognize when an alternate persona has taken over the driver's seat. It's happened before when Bleu took over. He is a very mischievous and brash person. He approaches injustice very differently to the others. He is outspoken and loud. 

No'ah is the funny one. He likes to laugh and play. Nothing is very serious to him...he is always in the passenger seat contributing randomly.

Does this realization mean DID is our diagnosis? Honestly, I think we all have alters who take over, but we don't always recognize them as unique separate personas who live within the vessel. We simply chalk it up to "I have writer's block" or whatever the switch might be for an individual.

No, it's not a block, it's a whole literal switch of who is controlling the body. A whole different persona has taken over and they don't have the same drive to create in the same way or the same interests. The sooner we recognize this about ourselves, the sooner we can honor each alternate persona and not beat them up for not being exactly like the others. We can just let them be and recognize what assets they bring to the table.

We like the angsty one, but she has stepped back and hasn't been answering her phone when we try to call her up. Maybe she will be back eventually, but the one in charge right now is a lot more stable emotionally, so it's a nice vacation for the body and is giving us the opportunity to heal the physical self which has been extremely neglected for so long.

Can you identify the different personas inhabiting your own physical vessel? 

Do you honor and value them or are you always trying to get a different version of yourself back when they have taken a break?