I have recurring patterns and people in dreams. A recurring theme is that I am either moving home to Oregon or moving to another place I have lived before. I decided that part of it represented parts of me coming home, parts I had either given away or were taken. My perception is that when I work through an issue, a part of me gets to come home to me.
Lately, I have been dreaming a lot about having to move back to Michigan and I have had trouble understanding why. Why do I keep seeing myself going back to Michigan?
I had an epiphany after having made a powerful discovery of a hidden-in-plain-sight false belief. I think the false beliefs we acquire along the way have to move back and return to where they came from.
Today, I spent the morning charting out the various places I have lived and what false beliefs I might have picked up along the way. Missouri, Florida, Oregon, Michigan and maybe that month in London was traumatic enough to count as a location where I picked up a false belief.
I've been making a lot of progress, but because Michigan keeps coming up, I feel it is shining a spotlight on a false belief that was reinforced by the experiences I had there.
Dream Journal Entry: March 20, 2021
I dreamed that I was at my former employer's house in Michigan and they had given my dog to another family, but didn't keep the details of who they gave her to. I was very distraught and telling them I hated them for that. I lamented about how I guess I needed to go back to school so I can be qualified for some other line of work because I had no desire to go back to what I had been doing which was nannying. I considered who I was saying it to I had been a nanny for. I just felt so emotional about them giving my dog away and me not having a way to try to get her back. They eventually produced an address that Jill wrote out on paper for me and then I woke.
A theme that has come up repeatedly is "settling" and "making do". Part of this has to do with lack and scarcity mentality. Part of it has to do with reinforcing the undervaluing of myself and my contributions. By always settling and making do, I am saying that I don't value myself enough to have my needs fully met. While it is wonderful to be resourceful in a pinch, to always sell ourselves short, we get stuck in a cycle of making do and settling for less than we deserve.
When I took my first live-in nanny job in Michigan, I had to cut off a part of me to take the job. I left my beagle, Rio, with my mom while I went to school in Oregon, but it was always my hope to have her with me at my job in Michigan. She was my best friend, my heart. When I saw that the contract I was about to sign with the family only made an allowance for my dog to visit, I felt deflated. I didn't fight for what I really wanted because I didn't feel I could back out. I didn't feel I had any other option because I was already there. My mom gave Rio back to the family we originally got her from. She died a year later from what they suspect was heart failure.
The other issue was that I was not really paid very well. I worked 12 hour days and when you broke down the salary to the number of hours, I was getting paid about $5 dollars an hour. Some would say, but you have to include room and board. I was given a dungeon room WITH NO WINDOWS. For six and a half years I lived in a room with no windows. It was very symbolic. In pictures of me at the beginning, I seemed okay still, but several years into it and you could see the dullness and inner light having faded.
Live-out wages are naturally more because the nanny is living in their own space and, after a heated discussion with the mom, I requested this option. I was in my 30s and felt like I was still living at home with mom and dad and having to ask permission for everything. I wanted to have my own life. The mom actually cried and seemed to take my need and desire to have my own place as a rejection of her. In the end, they would pay me more only if I worked extra hours for the extra amount. It wasn't fair but I agreed to it. I didn't advocate for myself. I just settled.
I stayed two more years at that job. By the time I left to go work for some of their friends who had young children, I had gotten married. At that point my life went from bad to worse.
I often think, "If only I understood symbolism back then I would have understood so much and made different choices!"
The job was a nightmare, partially because the dad was a creep, but also because my paychecks often bounced. During the time I was at that job and newly married, I developed asthma due to acid reflux, had acute tonsillitis and nearly died from a severe kidney infection. My body was screaming to me that the energy I was subjecting myself to was TOXIC, but I didn't understand that back then and tried to stick it out for far too long.
The truth is, I hate nanny work. It was a "make do" career. It was that "something to fall back on" career that I got stuck in which caused me to not pursue my dreams. I settled on my make do life and died inside. I was the living dead by the time I left Michigan.
The mention of going back to school in the dream is a clue to the false belief that needs to be examined. It is surrounding my value and worth based on my level of formal education.
When I came to work for the family, the mom was finishing med school and then went on to more school to become a surgeon. She was in school pretty much the whole time I was there, if you consider residency "school". She finally achieved becoming a talented vascular surgeon who had a successful practice. A lot of importance was put on formal education, both for her kids and herself.
I haven't worked while I raised my daughter for the last 12 years. I need to get a job soon so I can get a divorce and become independent. My FEAR is that, because of my limited formal education, I won't be able to get a good job I enjoy that pays enough to be able to comfortably take care of myself and my daughter. It is expensive to live in Portland and the last thing I want is to be stuck for 10 more years cohabitating with someone I don't like very much who dislikes me just as much.
My limiting belief is that I will have to get a shitty make-do job because of my lack of qualifications, lack of formal education and number of years of not having an official paying job. My false belief is that what I have to offer, what I bring to the table through my spiritual journey, LIFE education and experience, people wouldn't appreciate enough to pay for. I mean, what job actually fits my qualifications and interests, anyway?
I have often thought, "If I have to go back to working a shitty soul devouring job, I might as well just shoot myself now."
This spiritual journey was supposed to show people how they, too, can get off the treadmill of working to survive and shift into doing what they love. If, after 10 years of hard core inner work, I couldn't be that example and have to go back to working to survive, I feel it demonstrates I'm a failure at this spiritual shit. All of my spiritual expressions were in vain because they never led to that ideal job my guides have promised me all along.
The irony of those thoughts is that, with all of my employer's skills and education, she opted out and committed suicide using the tools of her trade.
Formal education doesn't automatically equal happiness. Just because it seems like your have it all, doesn't mean you have the spiritual knowledge and inner guidance you need to navigate the blips in the road that cause us to lose control briefly and shake us up.
Processing all of this openly is me putting my hands back on the wheel and the gun back in the glovebox, trying to find a solution to the problem at hand.
Current Affirmations:
- My value is not dependent on the amount of formal education I have had.
- My contribution of raising my daughter and sharing my journey is important, valuable, and deserving of equal energy exchange and abundance.
- I am deserving of an income that allows my needs to be met and allows extra for me to play and have fun.
- I am intelligent and creative and jobs that are enjoyable and well paying are available to me.
- Inner knowledge and spiritual development ARE a valuable skill set.
- Experience, life learning and interest exploration is an education that cannot be measured but is of equal value to a formal paid education.
- Happiness is not dependent on a formal education.
No comments:
Post a Comment