An Invitation

Art by Andra Lynn

Dear Keanu,

Inara and I are leaving for Missouri in May to spend time with my mom who isn't in the best of health. My mother is a lovely and wonderful person. You would like her and I know she would like you, too. 

Come to Missouri with us! Forget filming. Forget Hollywood. Forget the people who are all pulling at you wanting something from you. Come to Missouri with us where we can play! 

Art by Sarah Jane Studios

Come run with us in a field full of fireflies flashing like sparkling fairies. We can try to catch them and then let them fly away free.

Blue Tree Art - Watching the Storm

Come sit with us at sunset and sip warm coffee while we watch the Midwestern sky morph with storm clouds.  We can describe all the shapes we see in the clouds and "ooh" and "ah" when we see the lightning light up the sky. We will delight when we hear the thunder and feel the sound vibrate through us.   

Art by Andra Lynn

Come to Missouri with us! We will stay up late and make up silly stories where each of us takes a turn adding something to it. We will sing silly songs that never seem to end. 

Art by Andra Lynn

If we find ourselves not sure of what to do, we can ride bikes to a shop and buy some candy. We can all chew bubblegum and try to blow the biggest bubbles and laugh when it sticks to our faces.

Art by Andra Lynn

We can have dainty tea parties where we all pretend to be someone else and put on some other accent to sound like we are from somewhere else. We can talk about pretend people and their pretend lives and pretend we are very ordinary in our pretend lives. 

Art by Andra Lynn

Come to Missouri with us and we can swing on swings at the same time. You and Inara can swing very high but I will go very slow. 

Art by Andra Lynn

Come to Missouri with us where we can have long, deep conversations under the stars and let our worries go. We can sit quietly together...um...nope. Inara is never quiet unless she is sleeping. 😂 We can sit loudly together chatting and chatting until our mouths are too dry.

Art by Akira Kusaka

And at the end of our wonderful adventure, we will be three way best friends. We can blow on dandelions and make our dearest wishes that the fun doesn't have to end when it is time for us to go home. 

Art by Andra Lynn

We can wish upon a star that the time apart will be short and we can enjoy time together again very soon. 

With much love, sunshine and daisy chains,

Oktobre

Art by Andra Lynn

You can buy Andra Lynn's lovely art here.

Dear Pighoes

Q: Why a jellyfish? A: Because it has no spine.

Keanu Reeves is, indeed, an angel...a fallen one who had his wings cut away. He definitely has a darkness inside of him that most would run from if they could truly see. The things he fantasizes about are bloody and terrifying. He fantasizes about it because he feels so out of control of his life. When he should speak up and out and advocate for himself, he eats his own voice, stuffs it deep down and walks away fantasizing about ripping those people apart in his mind. It alleviates some of the pressure of the pent up rage he feels. 

Like attracts like. 

I am no different. I have done the same in different ways... cutting the head from someone who pisses me off in my mind but offering words of compliance outwardly. I have imagined destroying the entire planet a number of times. I understand rage. I understand not speaking up for myself and stuffing down my own voice to take the safe route.

The rage has a way of building and consuming us from the inside out. When you become dead inside, you don't care who you hurt. You have no issue fucking them before they have a chance of fucking you because you know how this goes, you have played it out before. 

And the darkness grows the longer we are the walking dead. 

It doesn't have to remain that way. We can choose to accept our own voice back into ourselves and actually use it in a constructive way by communicating our needs and feelings without rage and braving the possibility of displeasing someone, being okay with the outcome regardless of what it is. Risk is hard. 

"But if I speak up, I will lose my job."

So? Maybe that is what needs to happen. The more we stick with something that isn't really a fit with who we are and honoring our needs, we become physically ill. 

And before you know it, you end up terminal because you can't live with all the pieces you cut off of yourself... especially your tongue that allows you to speak your truth if you use it correctly.

Keanu might have fallen into the deepest darkest places of himself, but he is capable of making different choices if he wants to. It is only too late to change when you are 6 feet under in your grave.

A hand is being offered to him in these words to help him out of the dirt he has been piling onto himself. He just has to choose to actually take it and put it into action.

Weeding My Garden

Hilda by Duane Bryers

I seem to be on a roll of identifying false beliefs, so why stop with what I learned yesterday? 

As I was eating my breakfast and thinking about self worth, I started to ponder the notion of thinking we don't have anything to offer when we don't have anything material or monetary to give. It is where I fell into the "I owe you because" trap. 

Let me preface this next bit with saying how much I love my mother. She has been my constant in my life. I am highly attached to her and always have been since childhood. She is a genuinely good and kind-hearted person, but even good people have the ability to wound us deeply and insert a false belief during stressful times in their lives.

I recall a time in my early 20s when I was still living with Mom. She was renting a trailer from her cousin and it was absolutely mortifying to me to ever let anyone know I lived in a trailer park. There's lots of jokes about the kind of people who live in trailers and I knew all too well how people looked down on them. I cried when we moved there. My room was about the size of a shoebox, but at least I had a room. My youngest brother had to sleep on the couch.

Hilda by Duane Bryers

I remember vividly a discussion I was having with my mother about my crush and it turned into something very unexpected. Out of nowhere, she sounded angry and said something like, "Well, what do you have to offer anyone, anyway? You don't have a job or money or anything. Who is going to want you?"

Ahhhhhh that was a stab to the heart in such a huge way. It wounded me deeply. I came back with, "I can't believe you would say something like that to me!! You think I have no value if I don't have anything materialistic to offer? I can't believe my own mother can't see what I have to offer outside of materialism!!"

*Cue bleeding out images*

To be fair, from my mother's perspective, she had to deal with her grown children who had trouble staying employed and leaving the nest. Life hasn't been easy for her and I believe that some of this stems from clearing ancestral karma and wounds. 

Hilda by Duane Bryers

My mom grew up on a farm in Northern Missouri. It was like stepping back in time when we visited my grandparents. They had no running water, no telephone, no indoor bathroom. The "toilet" was an old outhouse past the chicken coop. God forbid you have to do your business at night. You had a choice to either use the chamber pot, which usually had someone else's poop and pee in it, or brave the darkness with a flashlight and use the outhouse, hoping to not drop the flashlight in the hole or be attacked by escaped prisoners. Yes, that was actually a fear of mine out in the darkest dark of the farm. I think it was something my sister had told me to scare the shit out of me because she thought it was funny. lol 

Hilda by Duane Bryers

My mom's family were poor farmers. The house they were in was the house my grandmother was born in. It was a humble life, but a hard life. My grandmother craved more. She wasn't a particularly warm or affectionate person. A void grew in my grandmother that she sought to fill with things. She saved empty containers and all sorts of things others might throw away. She eventually took to shopping at yard sales and buying things. She bought and she bought and it drove my grandfather crazy. 

When my grandfather died, my grandmother moved quickly to sell the farm and move into a tiny town nearby where she could finally have running water and not have to worry about getting stuck in the mud on the dirt road. She had a large enough sum of money that she was able to leave off from buying at garage sales and, instead, buy brand new things. My grandmother bought and bought and bought until there was almost no room for her and my schizophrenic uncle to exist within the space. She had morphed into the kind of hoarder people make TV shows about. 

Hilda by Duane Bryers

My mom had to go up a couple times to help grandma clear out the stuff. Some of the stuff they took to auction and the other stuff they threw in the dumpster. Grandma never handled this well. She always ended up filling up her space with things and things and things again and again. All the things she had never filled the void she had within her.

She eventually died after having gone back to the farm to see it. The house had burned down and the old cellar had been covered over. I believe the story is that she wanted to get a stone, a keepsake, to take with her and ended up falling into a hole where the old cellar had been. She was stuck there for hours until she could free herself. Her injuries caused her a lot of pain and her memory wasn't great. She didn't remember when she had taken Advil and ended up taking so much that she killed her kidneys. She died a very painful death due to kidney failure.

Hilda by Duane Bryers

Oh my god, the symbolism of all of that is rich to see it all together like this! 

Symbolism: Grandma fell in a hole she couldn't free herself from easily and the pain of it eventually killed her.

Hilda by Duane Bryers

So, my mom, even though she hated the hoarding, inherited the karma and the belief that things are necessary and bring comfort. Running water is taken for granted by most people. For a time, she too, had a problem with collecting too many things. I have had to learn to let go of things, too. For me it was the sentimental things that collected which is symbolic of holding onto the past.

She inherited the false belief of needing things to offer people, that our money and things make up our value and she was passing it on to me. And, while I resisted in the moment that way of thinking, I think something inside me internalized it and took it with me. It is one of the reasons I had such low self-esteem and huge amounts of self loathing. 

Hilda by Duane Bryers

"What do I have to offer anyone, anyway?" I would ask myself.

I felt inferior, insignificant, and worthless...for a long, long time. My inner dialogue was absolutely abusive, so, was it really any wonder that I didn't automatically see it when people around me were also verbally abusive? I spoke even worse to myself. They were an outer manifestation of my inner self.

It would only be when I looked into my vedic astrology chart that I would come to understand that my emancipation is in the enemy house, meaning, it would be next to impossible for me to become fully independent. I signed up for this experience to learn from. It has been difficult but it was something a favorite tarot reader posted in her community page that gave me hope for breaking free from and finally experiencing independence and freedom.

Visit Jess Here

Funny enough, where I am right now is almost exactly where I was on that fateful day I took on a harmful false belief. I am not employed in a paying job, I have no money of my own, no transportation, nothing of monetary value, but internally, I am a completely different person. I am the phoenix who has burned away the old self and become transformed. I understand what I have to offer within myself is a treasure that is immeasurable. No material thing has value above the treasure I have mined within the caves of self. I know this well, especially when I reflect on where I used to be and how far I have come.

I have no thing to offer, no money.

Hilda by Duane Bryers

What I offer has more value:

• I have love from an open heart to offer.
• I have an incredibly bright light to offer.
• I have nurturing, comfort and support to offer.
• I have wisdom, knowledge and experience gained from a difficult journey to become the person I was always meant to be to offer.
• I have emotional maturity, security and confidence to offer.
• I have intelligence, compassion and understanding to offer.
• I have honest communication to offer.
• I have playfulness, silliness and laughter to offer.
• I have inner peace, stability and calm to offer.
• I have sincerity, loyalty and fairness to offer.
• I have a united inner feminine and masculine to offer.
• I have warmth generated from the huge amounts of self-love I now have to offer.
• I have beautiful words stitched together with love to offer.
• I have creativeness, resourcefulness and the love of simple pleasures to offer.

Mary Evans - Meditation, (Illustrated London News), 1904.

I am both the rainbow and the pot of gold at the end. I am both sunshine and darkness.

I will not let false beliefs and fear keep me from experiencing the life I desire and know I deserve.

What false beliefs have you identified?

What karma are you clearing for your ancestors?

What do you have to offer someone internally?

 

This post is dedicated to my beautiful and wonderful mother. Thank you for always being my constant and being there for me. I love you more than words can express. ❤️

False Beliefs

I have recurring patterns and people in dreams. A recurring theme is that I am either moving home to Oregon or moving to another place I have lived before. I decided that part of it represented parts of me coming home, parts I had either given away or were taken. My perception is that when I work through an issue, a part of me gets to come home to me.

Lately, I have been dreaming a lot about having to move back to Michigan and I have had trouble understanding why. Why do I keep seeing myself going back to Michigan?

I had an epiphany after having made a powerful discovery of a hidden-in-plain-sight false belief. I think the false beliefs we acquire along the way have to move back and return to where they came from.

Today, I spent the morning charting out the various places I have lived and what false beliefs I might have picked up along the way. Missouri, Florida, Oregon, Michigan and maybe that month in London was traumatic enough to count as a location where I picked up a false belief.

I've been making a lot of progress, but because Michigan keeps coming up, I feel it is shining a spotlight on a false belief that was reinforced by the experiences I had there.

Dream Journal Entry: March 20, 2021

I dreamed that I was at my former employer's house in Michigan and they had given my dog to another family, but didn't keep the details of who they gave her to. I was very distraught and telling them I hated them for that. I lamented about how I guess I needed to go back to school so I can be qualified for some other line of work because I had no desire to go back to what I had been doing which was nannying. I considered who I was saying it to I had been a nanny for. I just felt so emotional about them giving my dog away and me not having a way to try to get her back. They eventually produced an address that Jill wrote out on paper for me and then I woke.

A theme that has come up repeatedly is "settling" and "making do". Part of this has to do with lack and scarcity mentality. Part of it has to do with reinforcing the undervaluing of myself and my contributions. By always settling and making do, I am saying that I don't value myself enough to have my needs fully met. While it is wonderful to be resourceful in a pinch, to always sell ourselves short, we get stuck in a cycle of making do and settling for less than we deserve.

When I took my first live-in nanny job in Michigan, I had to cut off a part of me to take the job. I left my beagle, Rio, with my mom while I went to school in Oregon, but it was always my hope to have her with me at my job in Michigan. She was my best friend, my heart. When I saw that the contract I was about to sign with the family only made an allowance for my dog to visit, I felt deflated. I didn't fight for what I really wanted because I didn't feel I could back out. I didn't feel I had any other option because I was already there. My mom gave Rio back to the family we originally got her from. She died a year later from what they suspect was heart failure.

The other issue was that I was not really paid very well. I worked 12 hour days and when you broke down the salary to the number of hours, I was getting paid about $5 dollars an hour. Some would say, but you have to include room and board. I was given a dungeon room WITH NO WINDOWS. For six and a half years I lived in a room with no windows. It was very symbolic. In pictures of me at the beginning, I seemed okay still, but several years into it and you could see the dullness and inner light having faded. 

Live-out wages are naturally more because the nanny is living in their own space and, after a heated discussion with the mom, I requested this option. I was in my 30s and felt like I was still living at home with mom and dad and having to ask permission for everything. I wanted to have my own life. The mom actually cried and seemed to take my need and desire to have my own place as a rejection of her. In the end, they would pay me more only if I worked extra hours for the extra amount. It wasn't fair but I agreed to it. I didn't advocate for myself. I just settled. 

I stayed two more years at that job. By the time I left to go work for some of their friends who had young children, I had gotten married. At that point my life went from bad to worse.

I often think, "If only I understood symbolism back then I would have understood so much and made different choices!"

The job was a nightmare, partially because the dad was a creep, but also because my paychecks often bounced. During the time I was at that job and newly married, I developed asthma due to acid reflux, had acute tonsillitis and nearly died from a severe kidney infection. My body was screaming to me that the energy I was subjecting myself to was TOXIC, but I didn't understand that back then and tried to stick it out for far too long.

The truth is, I hate nanny work. It was a "make do" career. It was that "something to fall back on" career that I got stuck in which caused me to not pursue my dreams.  I settled on my make do life and died inside. I was the living dead by the time I left Michigan.

The mention of going back to school in the dream is a clue to the false belief that needs to be examined. It is surrounding my value and worth based on my level of formal education. 

When I came to work for the family, the mom was finishing med school and then went on to more school to become a surgeon. She was in school pretty much the whole time I was there, if you consider residency "school". She finally achieved becoming a talented vascular surgeon who had a successful practice. A lot of importance was put on formal education, both for her kids and herself. 

I haven't worked while I raised my daughter for the last 12 years. I need to get a job soon so I can get a divorce and become independent. My FEAR is that, because of my limited formal education, I won't be able to get a good job I enjoy that pays enough to be able to comfortably take care of myself and my daughter. It is expensive to live in Portland and the last thing I want is to be stuck for 10 more years cohabitating with someone I don't like very much who dislikes me just as much.

My limiting belief is that I will have to get a shitty make-do job because of my lack of qualifications, lack of formal education and number of years of not having an official paying job. My false belief is that what I have to offer, what I bring to the table through my spiritual journey, LIFE education and experience, people wouldn't appreciate enough to pay for. I mean, what job actually fits my qualifications and interests, anyway?

I have often thought, "If I have to go back to working a shitty soul devouring job, I might as well just shoot myself now."

This spiritual journey was supposed to show people how they, too, can get off the treadmill of working to survive and shift into doing what they love. If, after 10 years of hard core inner work, I couldn't be that example and have to go back to working to survive, I feel it demonstrates I'm a failure at this spiritual shit. All of my spiritual expressions were in vain because they never led to that ideal job my guides have promised me all along.

The irony of those thoughts is that, with all of my employer's skills and education, she opted out and committed suicide using the tools of her trade. 

Formal education doesn't automatically equal happiness. Just because it seems like your have it all, doesn't mean you have the spiritual knowledge and inner guidance you need to navigate the blips in the road that cause us to lose control briefly and shake us up.

Processing all of this openly is me putting my hands back on the wheel and the gun back in the glovebox, trying to find a solution to the problem at hand. 

Current Affirmations:

• My value is not dependent on the amount of formal education I have had.
• My contribution of raising my daughter and sharing my journey is important, valuable, and deserving of equal energy exchange and abundance.
• I am deserving of an income that allows my needs to be met and allows extra for me to play and have fun.
• I am intelligent and creative and jobs that are enjoyable and well paying are available to me.
• Inner knowledge and spiritual development ARE a valuable skill set.
• Experience, life learning and interest exploration is an education that cannot be measured but is of equal value to a formal paid education.
• Happiness is not dependent on a formal education.

Edited to add:

After I published this blog post, I got a huge confirmation and sync with a tarot reading by one of my favorite readers, Jenny Florence. In reading number one, she talks about children who learn to compromise too much and end up self-sacrificing. What she talks about is so accurate for me. I am going to post it here so I can come back and listen to it often. 

https://youtu.be/VZuDnXrzCeo

Image credit: All Images by Norman Lindsay (1879-1969)

I Owe You Not

Art by Justin O'Neal

Dream Journal Entry: March 11, 2021 

I dreamed about dog shit and being in a hotel.

I remember seeing images posted by people from that specific room and one of the images I saw was a two of swords.

The room in question had a bunch of people staying there who had dogs that were being entered into a dog show but they weren't cleaning up after their dogs when they pooped. I was staying in a different room but was getting ready to leave. There was a lot more but I can't remember anything else now.

Poop is about other people's shit or my own shit... internal shit coming out. It is what I do...talk to people about their shit.  

The dog show makes me think of River's movie, Dog Fight.

I just remembered a bit about having a handgun I was trying to put in a locker that belonged to another woman. I was holding it for her. I think the locker was pink or maybe it was just the lock. It's hard to remember.

This is conversation I had with a friend today. My words are in the purple bubbles:

In-between Communication: August 26, 2019 They just told me how to release myself from the "bill" I keep having to pay through physical pain. .

William (Bill) Bradley Pitt played Tyler Durden in Fight Club... the other personality who was a glutton for pain and self punishment. They said I can burn a candle in his (my bills) honor and when the candle is done, break the jar with the intention of breaking the connection to the Bills. In previous dreams I was given charge of 3 people, so there are obviously 3 bills I am paying for through the physical pain I am experiencing.

Art by Chie Yoshii

Wisdom From a Toilet

I'm sharing more comments I posted at the now dead UGOSSIP. It was mostly a cesspool, but I tried to do the best I could to insert depth at an otherwise shallow discussion board. It is hard to know if anything I said helped anyone, but I obviously thought my words were worth saving, so I will repost them here.

____________________

If you understood how much fear and anxiety I used to live with, you would understand the distance I have come to release my fears.

When I started driving, my knees would shake so bad I could barely keep my feet on the pedals. When I crossed roads, I would always have to hold my breath. I had to talk myself into leaving my house. I would spend hours trying to convince myself to open the door and leave.

NPD (Narcissistic personality disorder)

GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder)

DID (Dissociative identity disorder)

MD (Maladaptive daydreaming)

Schizophrenic

Autistic

Alzheimer's

And the list can go on and on.

Why would you decide to accept a label and declare yourself incurable?

We do it all the time, but instead we can look at the deeper meanings and heal ourselves one negative pattern at a time.

We have to become sailors and explorers of our inner seas. We have to brave treacherous waters that threaten to devour us whole. But when we do, we can remove each fear, each anxiety, each insecurity, one at a time.

When we come back from our adventures, we are completely changed and different from who we were when we went in.

Dis-ease starts in the energetic body first and later manifests in the physical body. We can look at our diseases as symptoms of what we need to address in our emotional world. Skin cancer on the face could be seen as being caused by something we aren't facing. Weight issues can be seen as all of the emotions we fail to express and hold inside.

Sexual dysfunction can be seen as stemming from shame and guilt surrounding sexuality. Punishing yourself even though most promiscuous people were often sexually abused in childhood. If you never heal the child, you will never heal the adult.

05/12, 20:30:01

_________________

May 4, 2020

In order to be your authentic self, you have to go on a journey to discover who you are NOT and who you were taught to be. If you have no idea who you truly are once you strip away the ego, you have to find out who want to be, who you were meant to be had you not been conditioned by society to go against who you would have become had you been nurtured in a way that doesn't manipulate you.

A bonsai tree is very pleasing to look at but it has been twisted and manipulated to become what the gardener wants and not what is natural through cutting and force.

May 4, 2020

______________________

Re: How could that be done unless alone on an island?

It could be done by fostering and encouraging a child's interests; teaching them how to constructively communicate difficult feelings; by meeting the emotional and physical needs of a child so that they feel safe and secure, etc, we can help guide them to be individuals and okay with differing from their peers. We can help them learn to have and express boundaries early and show them that their voice and opinions matter, that they are an equal part of the tribe and their feelings matter.

So often adults invalidate children's feelings, so they grow up used to that and thinking they are wrong to feel what they feel. They grow up regurgitating what they were taught like being racist, Republican or democrat, being entitled, living with a chip on their shoulder over what was done to ancestors, that they are worthless, thinking the world is against them and they can trust no one etc. They grow up believing that love leads to pain and suffering so they avoid it...the deep kind of healthy love. Toxic love is easy and so many fall into it.

Of course, our jobs as parents, teachers, caregivers and society is to teach the young in order to shape the future of society, but first we have to reshape ourselves.

Yes, the wind on the ocean shores blow the trees shaping their formation. Yes, the storms can test us to see what we are made of. Yes, the kids carving their initials and climbing our limbs will change us but we get to decide if it is for the better or worse. We don't always have control of what happens to us but we get to decide how we will respond.

___________________

May 1, 2020

"The game is, turn a good person bad." Heard just now in my in-between state.

The problem with your game and me being one of your game pieces to try to turn bad is that I am not inherently one or the other. I'm neither all good or all bad. I am both and I accept that I am both. 

Imagine all the change for the better all of you could do in the world if you focused the same energy inside and focused on turning your own inner population to balance and harmony. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored that you would try to manipulate the lives of people to try to create monsters. Don't you think your own ugliness is monster enough? 

In the beginning God created man in his own image. The people you shape here represent your own internal selves. It isn't just the game to win, as you might imagine. Your creations are a reflection of your own internal ugliness. They are a direct outer manifestation of that. Be careful of what you create. Usually the monsters in the movies have a tendency to rise up against their masters and destroy them.

I am the Alpha and Omega.

Any bets placed on me should be settled here today as I remove myself from your playground once and for all.

May you all make better choices and help to improve the lives of others instead of trying to create more monsters. Those I speak to know who they are.

________________

April 13, 2020

All ritual, no matter the form, is simply about setting an intention to give it form. Sacrificing children gives it no more power than the one who sacrifices a bottle. It is ALL about creating and solidifying a thought or belief in order to manifest it into reality. Prayer is a form of intention ritual. 

Blood sacrifices and perverted rituals are about gaining control to coerce people to be compliant to do all that they ask.

Thoughts create which is how Hollywood programs. By thinking about pandemics, violence, government, materialism, control, sexual perversion, etc. we help collectively create it unconsciously. They want you to fear because you are easier to control when you are afraid.

That is why it is essential for people to wake up and become conscious creators. If we are cognizant of what we are feeding our senses, we can make the unconscious, conscious. We can light darkened corners and remove our fears.

Just because people have misused and abused sacred symbols doesn't make them evil or bad. It simply means that people are always capable of twisting esoteric knowledge for self-serving purposes.

By turning off the entertainment machine and taking back our own thoughts, we literally shift this entire reality one person at a time. We are literally changing the entire reality by changing ourselves. We don't have to take to the streets with pitchforks and anger. We have to look within, become the best version of ourselves and start doing what lights us up instead of simply working to survive.

We already ARE the walking dead, we simply don't realize it until we take the journey back to self and rediscover our inner children, masculine and feminine and remember how to feel.

_____________________

April 13, 2020

We are all part of a collective regardless of our participation. We are all part of the primordial soup regardless of our location in the pot.

I tend to think we are acting as neurons and part of our job is to create more communication and connection for a more harmonious reality. That doesn't mean we need to be right on top of each other. We can connect with each other in many ways...like anonymously on a questionable gossip message board for an actor.

Being part of a collective doesn't mean you give up autonomy.

_____________________

April 9, 2020

The hanged man in tarot is about taking a pause and trying to gain a new perspective about something. It is the difficult situations that are often the hardest to see the value of. We are always going to face difficulties and struggles along the way throughout our lives. People will sometimes line up to throw shitt at us, but if we learn early on how to pause and gain a new perspective, if we pause and ask ourselves what we are meant to learn from the situation, we can more easily shift our perspective and understand what we have gained from a negative experience. We can shift out of licking our wounds and turning our misfortunes into tools and valuable learning experiences. Even in here in this cess pool playground, much can be learned should we choose to.

___________________

April 9, 2020

@phanie

When I came here, I was attacked in a very personal and invasive way with information that only a hacker would have. I could have let it crush me...and I did for a little while. But as crazy as it sounds, the meanness I experienced transformed me so that I simply don't take myself or others all that seriously. I have written a few good blog posts about what I have learned during my time here.

What I say here, isn't all that serious. I make up a lot of shitt just to get people going so I can give them the opportunity to learn about themselves and grow...lighten up and play. Darkness is not our enemy. It is part of who we are and wants to be recognized by us. Darkness doesn't have to be evil. Darkness can be strength, a warm blanket and a dear friend. Where there is light there are shadows... always.

When I saw your IG I thought, "wow! What a beautiful soul!" You write beautiful words from your heart and share beautiful images. Just know it is okay to also play and be completely different from that part of you as a means of release. We forget how to play and be ridiculous as adults. I know I did. Kids on at play can scream "I hate you" and five minutes later be best friends. They feel, express, and then move on.

04/9, 12:29:34

___________________

March 23, 2020

I refuse to live my life paranoid no matter who is watching. I refuse to hide in fear and be anyone other than who I am. I choose to trust. I don't trust naively. I trust because what we put out into the world is the energy that comes back to us. I choose to love with an open heart because I know my world is shaped by the love I put into it.

I have no control over the actions and behaviors of others. All I have control of is my own perceptions and how I process what I have experienced at the hands of another. I get to decide if I will let it kill me or if it will simply become the fertilizer that helps me grow. 

Growth is a choice to learn from all experiences and not just the pleasant ones.

_______________

March 23, 2020

03/23, 21:03:40

Not to make excuses for him, but since I came to this Ugossip rabbit hole, I have discovered multiple versions of me that I didn't know were inside me. They come out and play here. Are they a fabrication or just a facet of who was always there, but only being cut in a certain way allowed them to be visible and shine through.

We can dwell in the pain or we can create something with it that makes us stronger and more interesting people. Call me crazy, that is okay. In my world, "crazy" is just another way of saying colorful and interesting.

Clown has anger, rightfully so, but all of the energy and anger can be turned into something beautiful and poignant when he decides it is time to heal. Reparations would probably help jump start that but not everyone will get that. They simply have to make a choice to heal and start a new path, which is what I did. I had to let my anger go, not for him (my father), but for me.

______________________

March 16, 2020

People who harm others, especially as Keanu has done, do it because they hate themselves and feel out of control of their own lives and try to take back a sense of control through targeting people they assume are weak and pathetic. It gives them a false sense of power.

When we interpret it as we would a dream, Keanu is doing this to his own inner population within him who he sees as weak. 

He gets pushed around by some Hollywood suit and he doesn't say anything because he wants a career. So in turn, he gets angry at himself, holds it in until he comes online to attack those weak, gentle parts of himself that failed him when he wanted to stand up for himself but didn't. 

This is about his need to find his voice to speak up and take charge of his own life. Facing your fears means you are willing to stand up for what you believe in and risk having your whole life fall apart if that is what it leads to. But if it falls apart and you have to start over, at least it is yours now and you get to be the captain of your own ship finally.

Sometimes when we don't take action for our highest good, the universe aka your own higher self, dismantles your life as you know it so that you can course correct. My best advice is to simply let the old life go and build a new one with a new improved version of self.

He can choose a different way, a different path should he want that.

__________________________

03/1, 12:36:19

No one is forcing you to come back here. Sensationalism and drama sells. We all keep coming back for more no matter how vile and disgusting it is. We all complain but never turn the channel or simply turn it off. We complain about the the service and the food but hold our plates out and beg for more. Meanwhile, the staff is spitting in the food they serve us and we kind of like it.

03/1, 13:18:56

__________________________

February 23, 2020

Biological impulses to breed are often mistaken for connection, attraction and magnetism. Those immediate impulses wear off once you spend a lot of time with the object of your blind affection. It is why so many people divorce... because they act on the biological impulse declare it "true love" but then it fades.

When you operate from the higher mind and not simply the biological monkey mind, you need more than a temporary biological attraction. Higher mind demands true soul connection and that isn't instantaneous. It just isn't. A foundation needs to be built and connections need to be made on every level. THAT is my idea of true lasting attraction and magnetism.

Mind and heart need to be a team to make both logical and heart centered choices.

02/23, 12:53:38

__________________________

These are not my words but should be posted:

It could be time to shut down Ugossip for good

You look back on your life and see that you’ve literally wasted half of it being terrified of living it, using fiction and puppets to avoid having a life of your own.

01/12, 03:04:29

As long as Ugossip is on line

you'll know that he is still a dumb player and a troll.

The first steps to clean up his life is stop trolling people, stop playing dumb cruel games.

If he wants, he can shut down Ugossip, he can stop lying. He can also sell his house and leave LA. But to do that he would have to become wise and strong.

01/23, 03:11:14

This one is evidence:

Lifeline was last seen Dec. 17th, 2018

After a year it deletes itself - it's gone now

I am normally quicker in facing truth.The problem here

is that I never got to hear or find out the truth.

The lifeline stopped responding in the middle of depth out of nowhere and permanently.

Makes me want to question expressed sincerety with logic already forcing the selfmade answer.

Emotional stages: confusion, self doubt, ignoring hoping it's just temporary again, hurt and anger, dull underlaying pain, whatever attitude, forced repression of feeling anything but selfmade happiness in daily wonders, laughing about self being OK and comfortable with oneself..

Then this well expected, actually tiny thing in comparison happens - the lifeline deletes itself. Funny that the coming up icon is a ghost.

*laughing*

But all this pain came rushing back, this hammering question "why" without a trace. There are a million and one resons I can come up with but none to explain hurting someone quite like this for nothing.

There is some poem out there and I forgot from who but it says something a little like this:

Life will always throw stones at youtohurt you no matter how good of a person you are. Don't let it harden you,don't let your heart turn to stone. Let your heart grow softer with each stone piercing into your heart. One day you find that thosestonecan't hurt you anymorebecause they bounce back from the softness of it and happiness will find you.

Someone quoted this to me when I was very young and somehow, somehow the gist of it stuck with me onmy joureny through stones.

Still waiting for the day when it won't hurt anymore but I found somehow that dealing with pain, did get easier.

All I ever wanted to be is weak but I am strong enough to carry a lot more hits with my eyes up at the sky waiting for my Santa to show up telling me that I have been a good girl LOL

Well, and if this is what I do deserve, then so be it cause all in all I am a fortunate one.

12/20, 13:24:42

_________________________

January 21, 2020

I'm bored and when I am bored, my mind wanders. Tonight it is wandering back to a movie I saw a few weeks ago. The movie I am thinking of is "Generation Um..."

If you look to see how many stars it gets in various sites, it gets a pretty low rating. I braced myself when I pressed "play". 

I actually liked this movie a lot. The main character, John, is painfully awkward. We all know someone like that, don't we? But we get to be voyeurs and observe John's odd and, somewhat, bleak life. Maybe if Charles Dickens was from this time period, Bleak House would read more like Generation Um. 

As someone who observes a lot more than I participate, I appreciate this perspective. I love being places where I can just sit and watch people while imagining what their stories might be. The more odd the people are, the more interesting the story I imagine. 

Watching John in his environment at home, I could sense a person who had dreams once but let those dreams fade into the back drop as a lingering memory that wafts back every now and then. This isn't how he imagined his life would be. He does what he has to in order to exist. A lot of us just exist...just survive. 

It is a video camera he acquires that ignites a spark of passion in him and he uses it to reveal the fucked up stories of his co-workers and friends. I shouldn't have been surprised by the end, but I was....and I loved it as a whole. .

My past is pretty fucked up and I could have ended up like either one of the girls, but we all have choices we can make that can change the course of our lives. I like to imagine the next chapter of John's life was to allow his passion to steer him onto a new path that is brighter, happier and less lonely.

I can totally understand how Generation Um... isn't for everyone. I would put it in the category of an art film that is made to be creative and requires the viewer to question and interpret more than your average film where the music and script basically tells you what you are supposed to think and feel.

All of us are a sum of all of our experiences. That sum is the lens and filter with which we see the world through. That sum influences how we interpret and how we relate or don't relate to something.

Perspective is neither right or wrong...it is simply different.

01/21, 02:41:16

____________________

Image Credit: All Images by Pedro Luis Raota (1934-1986)

Dear Oktobre

By Leonard Campbell Taylor (1874-1969)

Dear Oktobre,

I love you. I love how hard you have worked to heal and overcome so much trauma, abuse and harmful programming from your childhood. You often felt invisible, forgotten, unseen and unloved.

It is safe to shine.

It is safe to be seen.

It is safe to let others love us.

I see you.

I remember you.

I remember us.

I love how you persevere even when you feel like giving up and disappearing. I love the beautiful wisdom you share. It moves me and heals me.  I love how you are able to laugh through the tears even when it feels like they might drown us.

I know it has been hard and it is tempting to close down and rebuild your walls, but your softness is beautiful, so stay open...even when stones are thrown at you, even when you feel rejected and left out. 

You are BEAUTIFUL and have come so far on this journey. You have grown so much and the petals of the flower that is us have revealed a richness and fragrance that is hard to resist to the ones who have heightened senses enough to experience it fully.

You are loved and supported always and completely.

Faithfully yours,

No'ah Lokahi - your inner masculine

Dear Keanu, Money Can't Buy You Love

 

Illustration by Marc Simont (1958)

July 8, 2020

The below are comments I posted on a now dead message board that I saved and feel are worth reposting here:

It is interesting how many parallels there are between River and Keanu. They both have/had Klingons. The thing is, it is a pattern. The individual desires approval and love and uses their money to "help" and shower them with "love" but it ends up creating dependency and the helper eventually starts to resent those they "help" and give to because it becomes expected and a codependent relationship. People seeking approval and validation outside of themselves in such a way will always create these types of relationships. Loving and approving of self first is where ending the destructive cycles begin. 

Anyone whose "love" can be bought doesn't know how to love. 

River took on the responsibility of other people when it would have been kinder to simply teach them how to take care of themselves. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders, but he, himself, put it there. He never had the opportunity to recognize his patterns and then take steps to make different choices that would have liberated him. Keanu has that opportunity to make different choices and radically change his life for the better. The question is, will he ever become a man of action and actually make those changes and choices. Without action, good intentions are meaningless. 

It is funny how his comeback with John Wick made him an "action star" but in reality he is often paralyzed with fear and fails to take the necessary actions he should. I still have hope that will change and we will see a new version emerge from the ashes of the old one.

_______________________

Illustration by Natalie Rukavishnikova

We easily become creatures of habit. 

Supporting the Klingons is all River knew and he could have just as easily grown to be a 50 something year old guy with an army of hungry guppies. He could have just as easily ended up exactly where Keanu is right now. They are both Virgos and probably had a lot in common which was the reason they became fast friends. 

In order to break destructive habits, we need to replace them with beneficial habits. We can't just take a habit away from someone who has an addictive personality and say, "Don't do this anymore." We have to give them something else to do in its place. So instead of being responsibile for everyone in his life, he can start by simply taking responsibility for himself. He struggles with that. 

Instead of living a life that is draining his will to live, he can let it go and do something new that lights him up inside. Maybe that is drawing, making music, getting outside and exploring nature. Maybe making indie films with people who have the same vision on a low budget... OUTSIDE OF HOLLYWOOD.

As long as he stays in that city, it will be too easy to revert back to old ways. It is like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking and giving him a job in a bar. That wouldn't be a wise choice.

He could live a simple, humble, happy life should he choose it. You don't need mega millions for that.

_________________________

Illustration by Lector Constante

Starting new means throwing out the old script that has already been made and played and putting pen to paper and creating a new story. 

His past doesn't have to define who he chooses to be today or tomorrow.

Dwelling on the mistakes we have made doesn't allow for the potential of what we can become. Mistakes are how we learn and decide to make different choices next time. Mistakes are how we learn our most valuable lessons.

I believe there is a spark inside Keanu just waiting for the right environment to burst forth. There IS substance he hides away from the world. 

I feel beating someone into submission doesn't make them a better person. It only makes them more fearful and obedient. Accountability isn't true accountability when it is gotten with a stick. True accountability comes from a place of inner reform. 

And even when he does transform completely, many will see him only for his mistakes. He has to become strong enough and confident of the value of the new version of himself that, whatever projection people want to place on him, he will always know who he really is at his core and stay true to it.

____________________

Illustration by Natalie Rukavishnikova

Hollywood is where Keanu forgot who he really is. His foundation with his family was sketchy, but he didn't get swallowed whole until he had been in the raw sewage of Hollywood for awhile. He got lost in the masks he wore to survive. He isn't really sure who he is anymore. That is why he needs to leave LA, so he can discover who his real self is. LA is the drug dealer who supplies the addict with the poison that fills their veins. You can't change when you keep the old people who enabled the addiction to remain around you. People who want to get clean have to eliminate a lot of people from their lives. I know he is capable, but will he make that life altering choice to save himself?

Theodor Kittelsen - White Bear King (1912)

Dream Journal Entry: July 9, 2020

I dreamed about Alexandra Grant and a business she was running. Her employees were unhappy and everyone was quitting. They were complaining that no one actually knew who was running things. Who was the leader? I think I was seeing as one of the employees. Something is said it was a good thing it was payday and they have their check because they weren't planning on coming back.

Now I seem to have just arrived home from traveling and there is some event being held in the space. I am sitting down drinking milk and resting when I see some guy I identify as some big deal art dealer. He is scrutinizing me and the whole surroundings. He thinks it is all very unprofessional and I have this knowing he never wants to do business with Alexandra Grant again now.

The scene jumps and I am in a car with some guy. He is driving and we are coming upon a T junction. We are going too fast and can't seem to slow down much and I am worried we are going to crash either into other cars or the embankment. He manages to steer left away from other cars and then gets turned around the opposite direction going right, which is what he wanted to begin with. 

We are driving through an area that feels like the mountains and there is snow and these buildings all decked out in Christmas decorations. I said, "Oh look! Christmas in July!" The guy says, "Yeah, it feels like Christmas has never gone away because I have been seeing this kind of thing all summer."

We stopped at a tiny place I identify as a coffee shop that has just reopened after being closed for the quarantines. I remember placing a circular coffee stain on the right rear side of some faded blue jeans I was going to put on before I went inside. I wasn't sure why I was doing this until I saw that the guy had obviously sat in coffee and had a big stain on his ass. I guessed I was doing this so the guy wouldn't have to feel alone in his embarrassment about it. Some guy was stating how glad he and his wife were that the shop had opened back up finally because his wife was going to bleed out and die without her coffee. I consider he is being dramatic but understand that it is a comfort thing to have the shop open again. There was a woman talking about wanting her boyfriend back now that the whole quarantine thing was over. The place was packed full of people. I move to make myself coffee as there wasn't enough in the pot for a cup. I pull out a pot to fill with water to heat and I notice one of those dried flowers that you pop in hot water to make tea starting to soften. I move to find something else to heat water in. Axel Rose is there looking like his younger self and he is telling me I probably don't have time to make coffee before the shop closes for the night. A spiritual friend is there and she chimes in and agrees that I might not have enough time to make it before they close again. I move from the electric kettle to finding a pan when I eye a gas stove. I said, "It's okay. I'm going to do the best I can. I like to start things." I am seeing in my head all the seeds I have started and most recently the marigolds that I sprouted. I continued, "I may not always get to see them full grown, but I like to get them started and watch them grow."

I then hear "And you will know him by his fruits". In the dream, I am considering what "fruits" actually are and how my recent comments on a message board were my fruits I bear. Even if they hadn't given me the income or freedom I had hoped for, they were valuable fruits of my labor and lessons that I could give to other people and I felt satisfied in knowing the quality of them. 

I also remember a bit where I was in a kiddie aquatic area where kids could stand in shallow water and touch some of the marine life. I was giggling at how one little girl had sat completely down in the water. I placed my hand in the water to lift myself from my knees and something imbedded into a finger on my right hand. I tried to pull it out, but everytime I did, it seemed to imbed further in. There was a guy who worked there and I asked him for help and showed him the object. On closer inspection, it was a pickle knife. The main part was a pickle but there was a blade that had barbs so that everytime you tried to pull it out, it got deeper in. The guy said, "Yeah, these are nasty. You wouldn't be able to get that out by yourself." So he takes a knife out of his pocket and starts to cut away at the pickle little by little. Eventually he got to the blade which looked more like a corn cob with barbed spikes. He pulled it off without too much trouble or damage to me and discarded it. I was grateful to have it off of me. I think I woke up there.

Matthew 7:16-20

16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 

17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.

20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

King James Version (KJV)