Changing My Mind and Letting Go

 

Art by RGDart on DeviantArt

An open mind and open heart means you are unapologetic when new information comes in that causes you to change both... frequently.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not....

It's true, I have waffled a lot when it comes to deciding which path I should be on now. My inner guidance has been confusing, to say the least, as I seem to be told to go in two different directions. I thought I had made up my mind, but then there was this nagging doubt that wouldn't leave.

After some recent dreams, I think I finally have a clearer idea of what is happening and what I need to do going forward.

Art by Abdullah Evindar

In a recent dream that featured Daniel Radcliffe who was expressing an interest in taking our relationship to the next level,  I noticed I was my heavy self and I had a sense of wonder and joy that he loved me as I was. It wasn't an issue and I felt this sense of relief that I could finally let the armor, my extra weight, go now that I finally found someone who loved the real me. I finally felt safe enough with someone that I could stop trying to protect myself with the weight.

In a different dream a Golden Retriever was rescued and brought in. At first it looked quite big, but when all the hair was shaved off, you could see the dog was quite thin under all the fluff.

These dreams caused me to think about everything I had experienced in the last couple years of my journey. I compared, contrasted and examined it all to try to understand why things weren't moving forward with who I thought I had been guided to. I compared his energy to the energy of the person in the dream. I remembered exchanges and experiences that took place, both good and bad, and I knew. 

I knew without a doubt that this person I thought my heart was choosing is absolutely the wrong choice for me because, in reality, he represents all of my insecurities. I was too blind in wanting to help him move past his own insecurities that I couldn't see how he is actually a shadow and mirror come to challenge me. In my effort to see the potential and best in him, I was ignoring some glaring red flags. I was ignoring that I didn't feel safe and constantly felt on guard. I never had that sense of being fully loved and accepted for who I am, as I am.

Upon further reflection, I could see how this person represents all of my failed relationships and all the things I never wanted again in a relationship and yet here I was, once again opening my arms to chaos and dysfunction. 

"When will you learn, Oktobre?" the voice in my head whispers.

I have come a long way from where I had been, but, clearly, there was still much I was needing to learn.

During discussion with my friend, I came to understand some of the lessons this person was teaching me with their presence.

Lessons I finally learned:

• It's not my job to heal anyone but me. Healer, heal thy self.
• I'm not responsible for cleaning up anyone else's shit but my own. 
• To identify as a "healer" requires people around you to always be broken.
• I deserve equals who are whole and have chosen to heal themselves.
• It's an act of self love to walk away from toxic people.
• I don't need to save the world, only myself.
• I deserve relationships that are equal parts "give" and "receive" which creates a circular balanced energy flow.

My new mantra:

I am healed and I attract healed, whole people.

Freedom of the Veil by Vahid Dehyadgari

I think the biggest thing I learned today is, that by walking away and letting go of this person, I am also symbolically letting go of my insecurities that used to paralyze me. I am letting go of the person who chose a partner who was unkind to me the same way I was unkind to myself with my internal dialogue. 

By releasing this outer person once and for all, I am finally saying to my old internal husband, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." 

This action is clearing space for the new kinder, sweeter and more loving masculine to step into place...both internally and externally.

It would be easy to feel resentful and as though the last two years were both toxic and a waste of time, but what good would that do? I have learned a great deal that I didn't know before, so I guess I needed him to be my teacher and show me what I have finally grown past and what no longer works for me in this new self-loving version of myself.

Dear John,

I hope that you eventually become someone you can love and cherish purely. I hope one day you will be able to both give and receive. I hope you find your voice and can speak openly your truths and live your life authentically. I hope that you will some day spend more time building people up than tearing them down. I hope you experience long term happiness and joy.

Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for being the representation of what I need to walk away from. 

And now I let you go with love. 

He loves me not, so I choose me.