Incantation for Justice

Judith by Jules Joseph Levebvre

I call upon Divine Darkness

I call upon Divine Light

I ask you to join together

To put the wrongs, right.

I call upon Divine Mother 

I call upon Divine Father

To bring justice to the wicked

May the Clowns be led to slaughter

I call upon the ancestors

To do what is fair and just

I call upon Death to harvest

The souls no one can ever trust

Let justice be swiftly served 

For those who would sin against me

May balance be fully restored

By shearing dead branches from the tree

As this year comes to an end

Let the toxic cycles also close

Burn away all those who intend harm

For it is the wicked path they chose

And so it is!

December 31, 2020

Changing My Mind and Letting Go

 

Art by RGDart on DeviantArt

An open mind and open heart means you are unapologetic when new information comes in that causes you to change both... frequently.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not....

It's true, I have waffled a lot when it comes to deciding which path I should be on now. My inner guidance has been confusing, to say the least, as I seem to be told to go in two different directions. I thought I had made up my mind, but then there was this nagging doubt that wouldn't leave.

After some recent dreams, I think I finally have a clearer idea of what is happening and what I need to do going forward.

Art by Abdullah Evindar

In a recent dream that featured Daniel Radcliffe who was expressing an interest in taking our relationship to the next level,  I noticed I was my heavy self and I had a sense of wonder and joy that he loved me as I was. It wasn't an issue and I felt this sense of relief that I could finally let the armor, my extra weight, go now that I finally found someone who loved the real me. I finally felt safe enough with someone that I could stop trying to protect myself with the weight.

In a different dream a Golden Retriever was rescued and brought in. At first it looked quite big, but when all the hair was shaved off, you could see the dog was quite thin under all the fluff.

These dreams caused me to think about everything I had experienced in the last couple years of my journey. I compared, contrasted and examined it all to try to understand why things weren't moving forward with who I thought I had been guided to. I compared his energy to the energy of the person in the dream. I remembered exchanges and experiences that took place, both good and bad, and I knew. 

I knew without a doubt that this person I thought my heart was choosing is absolutely the wrong choice for me because, in reality, he represents all of my insecurities. I was too blind in wanting to help him move past his own insecurities that I couldn't see how he is actually a shadow and mirror come to challenge me. In my effort to see the potential and best in him, I was ignoring some glaring red flags. I was ignoring that I didn't feel safe and constantly felt on guard. I never had that sense of being fully loved and accepted for who I am, as I am.

Upon further reflection, I could see how this person represents all of my failed relationships and all the things I never wanted again in a relationship and yet here I was, once again opening my arms to chaos and dysfunction. 

"When will you learn, Oktobre?" the voice in my head whispers.

I have come a long way from where I had been, but, clearly, there was still much I was needing to learn.

During discussion with my friend, I came to understand some of the lessons this person was teaching me with their presence.

Lessons I finally learned:

• It's not my job to heal anyone but me. Healer, heal thy self.
• I'm not responsible for cleaning up anyone else's shit but my own. 
• To identify as a "healer" requires people around you to always be broken.
• I deserve equals who are whole and have chosen to heal themselves.
• It's an act of self love to walk away from toxic people.
• I don't need to save the world, only myself.
• I deserve relationships that are equal parts "give" and "receive" which creates a circular balanced energy flow.

My new mantra:

I am healed and I attract healed, whole people.

Freedom of the Veil by Vahid Dehyadgari

I think the biggest thing I learned today is, that by walking away and letting go of this person, I am also symbolically letting go of my insecurities that used to paralyze me. I am letting go of the person who chose a partner who was unkind to me the same way I was unkind to myself with my internal dialogue. 

By releasing this outer person once and for all, I am finally saying to my old internal husband, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." 

This action is clearing space for the new kinder, sweeter and more loving masculine to step into place...both internally and externally.

It would be easy to feel resentful and as though the last two years were both toxic and a waste of time, but what good would that do? I have learned a great deal that I didn't know before, so I guess I needed him to be my teacher and show me what I have finally grown past and what no longer works for me in this new self-loving version of myself.

Dear John,

I hope that you eventually become someone you can love and cherish purely. I hope one day you will be able to both give and receive. I hope you find your voice and can speak openly your truths and live your life authentically. I hope that you will some day spend more time building people up than tearing them down. I hope you experience long term happiness and joy.

Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for being my teacher. Thank you for being the representation of what I need to walk away from. 

And now I let you go with love. 

He loves me not, so I choose me.

I Choose The Light 2020

April 30, 2011 marks the day that I wrote my first blog post here titled "I Choose the Light". Nearly ten years later, I have grown exponentially. You would think that, this far into the spiritual journey, I wouldn't still be having to try my best to move into the light and learn to live there.

Don't get me wrong. There is value in Darkness and I recognize that I am both Light and Dark simultaneously, but I think I am still struggling to live in the Light as a full time resident. It often feels like I am just a visitor.

I choose the Light.

I choose Love.

I choose Life.

But I still wobble. I still have dark days where I don't want to be in the physical human form I inhabit. I still feel like I want to destroy people who wound me, who lie to me, who are not fair with me and I have to push the urge back and find my middle again.

I choose to be Open.

I choose Trust.

I choose Feeling.

But I still get angry and sometimes my words can be cutting. When I am betrayed and verbally abused, my walls still go up to protect me and I can still seem cold and unfeeling. I still struggle to fully trust people.

I choose Truth.

I choose Compassion.

I choose the Gentleness.

But I still can be hard, reactive and lash out like a ferocious untamed wild thing.

Regardless of how many times I fall back into the Dark, I keep trying to be the best version of me I can be and step back into the Light. I forgive myself for getting it wrong and falling back into dark ways. I love myself a little more to chase the fear and anger away. I support and encourage myself so that I keep learning from my struggles. I apologize and admit when I have gotten it wrong with others. 

Maybe with each return to the Light, I will place a log there to mark my return and eventually there will be enough logs to build a home and, at long last, I can live there.

I choose Forgiveness.

I choose Knowledge.

I choose Self-love.

I choose the Light.

***Image credit: All images are by Japanese Illustrator, "Sleepy"

Dark Angel

September 20, 2019

I dreamed that some production company was going out of business. The actors are all suddenly going home. There is talk of sending these three people back to Africa and someone is saying there isn't any money to pay them for the work they did. Someone suggests cashing in the 401k to get money to pay them.

There was something about clearing out the rooms where the various actors played the same role. In one room there are two dolls that seems animated and they appear to be left behind. I offer to take them home with me but the dolls freaked out and their people eventually came back for them. One of the dolls was dark haired and seemed to have elongated canines.

I remember running into Robert De Niro and he is saying how he really liked that I called him refreshing. Robert is discussing with others that he believes me to be a real witch and he likes that about me.

There was something about certain houses and an apartment building being torn down so something new could be built there. 

There was a scene where a woman was trying to kill me but I just kept running away from her.

I remember something about being in waist deep water. I had a dog with me I somehow lost in the water. She had my ID with her. Someone reached under the water and grabbed what was thought to be my dog, but it was a long dead stiff cat. It was left where it was found. I can't remember much else very clearly.

Dark Angel Warrior by Anne Raczkowski

I am seeing what looks like Kurt Cobain. But I know it is not him.  Who I am looking at is a dark angel sent to earth to destroy the wicked. That is his job and I am excited and happy about it. I am welcoming him joyfully.

I saw something about sitting and peeling away big chunks of skin on my foot . As I do, the exposed places are steaming and open sores are appearing almost like acid eating away the flesh. I had no sense of fear or pain, just a knowing that I needed to apply cannabis to the areas where i had peeled away skin. For some reason, some of the cannabis is in a cake ice cream cone and was lit and smoking like incense. I knew I would need to gather more to turn into a salve to put it on. It was mostly my left foot that was steaming as I peeled skin away but I think I might have peeled from the right as well but it didn't steam.

There were people in the water near me. I thought they had my blanket, but as it turned out, we had the same spotted picnic blanket. Mine was dry on the ground but theirs was sinking in the water. They looked the same but were different blankets.

In the scene with the Dark Angel, i was handed a piece of black flat squre plastic that had marks on it from handling. Someone had drawn a moose on it and I was delighted with this. This is when what looked like Kurt in the flesh appeared and I knew it was a dark angel.

Limited Healers and Leaving Groups

 

Art by Jane Newland

November 30, 2020

Okay... basically the message I get for myself from your phoenix photo is a sync. Last night I dreamed that I was mowing down the tree that was growing through a wall into a pool area. Now it looked like the people who maintained the pool had actually cut away a hole in the wall so the tree could grow freely into the area, but it was messy and unruly so I took my compact mower out and cut it down so it was no longer coming through the wall. I considered mowing the grass too, but saw someone had finally come to tend to it, so I left off with my cutting. 

At one point I put things in a locker..the mower, a laundry basket, a plastic bag with some plastic things and a bit of cooked mac and cheese inside. I put it in the locker for safe keeping while Inara and I went to play in the pool. 

The scene jumps and we are leaving the pool (message board) now and we are at a T-junction. Mahina, my little dog, doesn't seem to have her leash and harness on and makes a move towards the road. I asked Inara to watch her and keep her safe. Mahina takes off across the road while Inara is just staring after her. I got really upset and ran out to get her myself. I was carrying our luggage and my hands were full which is why I had asked Inara to keep an eye on Mahina. After I went to get Mahina, I realized we had forgotten our stuff in the locker back at the pool and I told Inara we would have to go back and get it before we got too far away.

Art by Jane Newland

December 2, 2020

They showed me the girls and how when they were in Florida, their father was the first to touch them sexually. It started with oldest daughter first and then became both. He would tell them that touching them helped him, healed him. I then saw it happen to the younger one as well and instead of the mother protecting her children, she allowed it and even participated. I saw a cult develop around it, a money making scheme where others gathered to touch their girls as well. Eventually someone came in and discovered and it was broken up and the members scattered. 

It was when they were in Florida (River) that they started to smell bad. People started to tell the mother that the girls smelled bad.

I saw in the dream fleeing from being underground through a fire escape passageway up.

They said that "He has to learn when to leave a group, even when that group is your family and they are no longer serving your highest good." Some branches need to be pruned and cut away so that you can be reborn and the highest version of yourself.

Art by Jane Newland

November 27, 2020

There was this highend designer and he was designing dresses based on these people who came into this place. Many people left before he was finished. I was the only one who stayed. I let him know that I couldn't possibly afford the dress he had made that was inspired by what I was wearing. The dress was an unusual indigo blue color and I was chewing gum the same color. The skirt was white and the whole thing was made of lots of circles. I was dressed very casually but the garment was a highend fashion version. When I told him I couldn't afford it, the designer said it was okay because he was making it for Michael Jackson and he was paying for it. 

Michael Jackson is a reference to Keanu being he is basically a little boy who doesn't want to grow up and Michael lived in Neverland.

The other random thing that kept repeating was seeing the image of Jason Momoa and his name repeating over and over.

Well I looked up what his name means and Momoa means "limited" and his first name means "healer" or "cure".

Limited healer...

Jason Momoa is part hawaiian like Keanu.

We all can be limited healers when we put limitations before ourselves....like you really like that person but they live in a different country so you rule them out as a possibility.

Maybe for Keanu he wants to make changes but creates all these self imposed limitations as to why he can't and thus becomes a limited healer.

Obviously, sometimes, real limitations exist, but most of the time they are a limitation of our own beliefs.

Art by Jane Newland

Sometimes the advice we are given for others needs to be taken by ourselves too. It is what she needed to do and so it is a lesson she and I act on together as a team now.

"He has to learn when to leave a group, even when that group is your family and they are no longer serving your highest good."

This is what we have to do as well, sister. Together we walk away from that group once and for all. Let them play their games without us.

Art by Jane Newland

'They shine because they want to be found" 

Children of the Sea

And if he loves us, he will eventually leave them too and find us.

Jennifer

Dream Journal Entry: May 1, 2020

I took a nap and was dreaming something about a guy who was angry, so he started parts of the apartment building he lived in on fire. It was mostly part of the roof but the fire quickly spread. I and this person drop down levels to the ground and I considered the fire department would need to be called. 

I noticed that on the floor are picture frames as part of the flooring with pictures in them. As I walked on them, the glass in the frames broke. I wondered why anyone would use glass as flooring because it was inevitable it would get damaged. Every step I took broke more.

I ran into Jennifer and she is on the phone talking to someone as the apartment building burned. She was asking the person on the phone if she and her kids could come stay with her as her apartment was being damaged by fire and she needed a place to stay now. I wondered if the woman would let her stay as she had only just met her recently.

There was something about creating some craft for a group of kids. I suggested they cut up an empty coconut shell into rings and let them make a wreath to wear with ribbons for May day. The people said that coconut shells were very hard and it would be too much work to cut them. I was annoyed because they had done other projects that required them to cut wood so I didn't see how it would have been anymore work than that. 

I started to wander away. My friend, Leslie, came to visit. She asked me if I had been taking my pills and I confessed that I had forgotten to. She said I really should take them. 

There was something about Fritos and really wanting some to eat. I never eat Fritos in real life. 

I remember some people where the crafts were being prepared for the kids heading off to the bathroom. In the doorway a pair of snails were seen together. It looked as though they were trying to mate. The flesh on their skin was unusually light colored and the shells a little lighter brown. They were in the pathway and I planned to move them out of the way so they didn't get stepped on. I bent down and was saying to one of the kids, "Do you know how snails mate? Snails are hermaphrodites. While they mate they shoot little darts into each other."

As I am talking about this, a white goose plucks them one by one from their spot and places them in her nest to keep them safe.

Dream Journal Entry: October 4, 2018

I woke up in enormous amounts of head pain and ended up laying back down on the couch where I dreamed I was at a house where I think I was supposed to be watching the kids only I can't seem to wake up fully. I am hearing, but my eyes don't want to stay open. I think a kid came in and I open my eyes briefly and see Ellen sitting on the bed. We are talking about something. I can't remember what. And then there was something about Jennifer, who owns the birth center I used, coming in. It feels like I work for her.

Dream Journal Entry: December 10, 2018

I dreamed of Glenn and his wife Jenny. I was at their house for some reason and interacting with their kids. Jenny was pregnant and due to give birth soon, but for some reason I was given her belly with the baby. I was going overseas and the child would be born with me but I would bring him back to them eventually after he was born. I was nervous about this but agreed to it. There seemed to be movement and I started to peel the belly with the baby. It was like an apple skin I was peeling away to get to the baby. I could see his little feet moving and I considered how I would feed him.

Dream Journal Excerpt: January 17, 2020

I think there were some people who came into the space we had been talking to earlier down stairs. We quickly developed a friendly relationship and Jenny was getting upset that everyone seemed to love me. She made some remark about feeling very dim and invisible next to me. I saw myself as being illuminated with light all around me and people being drawn to me because they could sense it. Jenny was very jealous of it, said something negative about it and then went away by herself. I felt mildly annoyed with having to be faced with this kind of situation again. I remembered I had experienced something similar with friends in the past.

Dream Journal Excerpt:  August 18, 2015

The first dreams I couldn't hold onto much. What I remember is water and seeing Ben and Jen...the actors and they are in this tsunami like water but it feels indoors. I think there was water elsewhere but I lost most of it when I went back to sleep. 

Sometime at the beginning of 2013, I connected with some different people from a group I used to be a member. One of those friends relayed a somewhat jarring experience she had that was about me. 

She said that she was driving and came up to NE River Rd where she lives and started thinking about River Phoenix and then me because of my claims about him being my spirit guide. She wondered at this stop if I was crazy and making it all up. 

She said she heard a loud booming voice say, "It's none of your business!"

She was shaken and looked back at her young daughter in the back in her car seat and made note that her daughter seemed to not have heard the voice. She said she spoke out loud to the voice saying, "I'm sorry Mr. Phoenix," and told me that she would never question my claims about River ever again.

The name of the person who this happened to is "Jen".

Dream Journal Entry: March 18, 2020

I remember a piece of dream where I am interacting with JM, my former employer. I end up calling someone on the phone. It feels like someone who is used to hearing strange things. I am telling her about JM and how she was this amazing gifted vascular surgeon. I said, "I say 'was' because she killed herself and was dead but now all of a sudden she is here and alive. She doesn't remember what happened to her. I don't know how this is possible but somehow it is because she is here."

I suddenly am hearing some tone as though I was put on hold or something and the woman is no longer listening on the line.

I started to rouse and heard, "It is because of your Halloween buddy that this new path exists now. It didn't exist before."  

Forgetting

Art by Helena Nelson-Reed

It seems easier to forget, the older I get. Is it a blessing or a curse? Is it the natural decline of memory as the body I wear ages?

I like to think that, perhaps, it is simply a symptom of being more present and living more in the "now" moments. I spent so much of my life living in the past reliving all the trauma. I lived so much time in fantasies, wishes and what might be, what could have been, what will be.  Maybe I had to lose mental storage space and archives as a means of forcing me to be more present and focus on this moment, this day, this feeling, this experience.

It is easy to forget.

So easily all the hurts, betrayals, disappointments slip away from me now and all that I can remember at the end of the day is love.

I can remember love.

I remember you.

I remember that I love you.