The Fifth Element, Five Parts of the Heart Chakra

**I noticed I put my year of birth instead of Kurt's which is actually 1967

I have felt a bit like a mad scientist today. All of these ideas are coming together and they are begging to get out in illustration form.

The above is what I came up with based on clues I have gotten along the way. The individuals listed represent their respective part of the heart.

After making the illustration I did earlier for my previous blog post, I started trying to figure out the heart chakra in more detail. What was throwing me off was River Phoenix. I didn't understand he was throwing me off but he was.  When I created the 4 sections, I started seeing a Native American medicine wheel and looked up the elements. I then tried to figure out which person fit with which element. I noticed something was wrong. I had two Earth elements based on birthdays. I was missing fire.

So I searched my memories for those I might have dreamed of who might be a fire sign. Nuno Bettencourt is a recurring character in dreams but he too is a Virgo/Earth. I then looked up Brad Pitt and...holy shit!!...he fits. He is a Sagittarius/Fire sign. Not only that, but I have recently started compiling a timeline of sorts of my spiritual journey and Brad Pitt is the very first entry in the timeline. This was absolutely no coincidence. I will post it after this one.

As I was thinking about the four elements each person represents, I considered there was something I was missing and then I heard, "the fifth element" and I audibly laughed as I remembered the movie with the same name.

LOVE is the fifth element of the heart chakra. The inner heart IS the fifth element. It is our God Self. The fifth element has to be activated which is SELF LOVE. Self love brings all the elements together into harmony and balance.

Remember, those people we fall in love with possess qualities of our own inner self. When we fully embody love, those elements are brought together as a whole inside of us, we then can easily attract a partner who is an equal who also posseses those qualities into our orbit.

We attract what we are.

X Marks the Spot, Four Parts of the Same Thng

I have come to a new conclusion. I mean, it isn't entirely new, it is just expounding and twisting those puzzle pieces to get a different view.

Rather than writing it all out again in a different way, here are my comments to Lindsey about it all.:

So we know that there was a split.
Imagine 6 circles...chakras...as spheres and they are sliced open as if filleting a fish.
The crown chakra doesn't split.
It is higher self.
So the 6 become 12.
One world is light.
The other dark.
I made an illustration once and thought it was off but it kind of has the basic concept.

I would make it look more like an ink blot now.
Maybe I should redraw it.
But basically, Kundalini snakes of two different colors are often depicted in images representing Kundalini awakening.
The snakes aren't mixing in the current reality.
What you and I are doing internally is mixing them and twisting them together.
By loving that internal masculine no matter what face we give them, we are helping braid hard and soft.
By falling in love with someone who was soft and sweet in life, we fall in love with that part of ourselves internally. By saying... wait a minute, I'm going to create my ideal internally and he will be both hard, soft, strong, communicative, etc. We further braid those snakes and further embody our own ideal.

You attract what you are.

Are we dependent on a physical expression of that? I don't think so but I do believe it is possible, but I no longer have a set idea of who I will attract. I am open to the possibilities but don't need it.

I was wrong.
Four parts of the same thing was about HEART.
X marks the spot.

See how the right one looks like snakes when light and dark couples mix?

Did you notice how I left out the words masculine and Feminine?

Those words are holding us back.

We are both.
In reality they are just labels for attributes.
When you don't want to claim being one or the other, you know you are making progress in mixing the internal couples.
It is so cool if you think about it.

So many people are sitting around trying to meditate their way into enlightenment.
But you have to get into the trenches and really get your hands dirty with the internal shit.
You can't just meditate that shit away.
It is a great place to get guidance and find a kind of relaxation.
But meditation alone won't get you where you and I are currently at.
And if your basement is leaking....bravo! It is just another sign of this reality coming apart in preparation for coming back together in a different configuration.
Think of it like Legos.
Take it apart so you can create something new.
I'm tired of eating shit sandwiches too but I know something else is just around the corner on the next page.

It is exciting!

I had an idea of this before but I didn't know how to illustrate it. The flayed fish sort of drove it home in a way I could see it enough to draw it and it makes so much sense.

Full Circle

Art by Charlie Terrell

I have been doing a lot of self reflection. I have been looking back and seeing how I have come full circle in ways. I ended up taking a further look back than I expected and ended up putting this timeline together. It might only be interesting to me, but I was actually a little surprised when I saw it all together. I had been gently nudged in a specific direction early on from "chance" encounters to powerful dreams. Even the heartbreaks were meant to help move me in a specific direction.

In an early blog post I talked about something Jason used to say about himself:

One day I'm going to say to someone, "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced. I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole" and it won't be just empty words I'm repeating. I will really believe it too. :)

Art by Charlie Terrell

 In a recent blog post I said:

When we have reached a level where we look in the mirror and think, "I am fucking amazing and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks," we have reached a truly beautiful place where the light that grows inside starts to leak out of the wrinkles in our skin. Others will feel our light, our energy and know the truth of our beauty.

It was then I recognized I actually achieved the self love I had set out to achieve and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Art by Charlie Terrell

After composing the timeline, one thing is pretty clear to me. River was supposed to lead me to Keanu but there was a small hiccup when River died.  Understanding River's intended purpose helps a lot in letting that aspect go. I thank him for all that he taught me and will always remember him fondly.

Art by Charlie Terrell

October 1990 - Brad Pitt came into the sleazy motel I was desk clerk. I had no idea who he was until BFF called from Los Angeles while I was working and screamed when I read his full name from the registry card. Turned 22, got my driver's licence and had a "midlife crisis".

November 1990 - Went to Gainesville Florida to stay with my siblings. Cried most of the time I was there.

February 2, 1991 - Went to see River's band, Aleka's Attic, at the Hardback Cafe in Gainesville, Florida for Mom's birthday. Met Sky because Mom was talking to him. Moved back to Missouri the next day.

January 19, 1992 - Had my premonition vampire dream.

June 29, 1992 - Sky came to visit me in Missouri. He wanted me to come with him to meet up with River in Los Angeles, but I declined because I had no money of my own and didn't want to be fully dependent on someone I didn't know that well.

June 30, 1992 - Went to the Blue Note during the day to say hi to my manager friend. Saw Henry Rollins sitting out front. I spoke to him, but he is a freak!

June 23, 1992 - Rented 'Dogfight' and 'My Own Private Idaho' because Sky recommended I watch them.

Art by Charlie Terrell

July 28, 1992 - Got an idea for a great movie. BEWITCHED - The Movie !!! Samantha's kids, Adam and Tabitha are grown up. Adam is a bit on the conservative side like his departed father, Darren (who is now a ghost). Adam has taken over the ad agency and doesn't use his warlock powers. Tabitha is an outgoing, outspoken rock-'n'-roll singer who uses her powers on a regular basis. Grandmama is still alive and as meddlesome as ever. Adam meets a clumsy odd writer who is into the new age thing and is fascinated with the supernatural. Her family is just as strange. Tabitha falls for a handsome, suave guy who turns out to be Dracula's grandson - a vampire yet a vegetarian. Dracula and Endora have a torrid affair. But there's a third child/sibling, David, the youngest, who runs the ad agency w/Adam. David is very normal, has no powers and is embarrassed of his whole family. He falls for a normal mortal girl who he tries to keep from meeting his strange family. She's the daughter of a very big client. It could be a star studded cast with all kinds of humorous situations. It's a great idea!!

March 31, 1993 - Brandon Lee died.

October 31, 1993 - River Phoenix died.

April 5, 1994 - Kurt Cobain died.

May 11, 1994 - The Crow movie was released. Saw it in a theatre with a friend that month, then went to watch a field full of lightning bugs after.

Art by Charlie Terrell

June 7, 1994 - Moved to Portland, Oregon

July 1994 - Sky came to see me. We had tea at Gus Van Sant's house. I went to Seattle for the first time with Sky so he could meet with friends about a project he was trying to organize. We started dating.

September 1, 1994 - Sky flew me to Los Angeles for my best friend's birthday. Went to Lollapalooza. Spent an evening at the House of Blues where Tony Curtis ended up with us while we were there. He cried when he told us about his son dying.

April 1995 - Dated green haired Jason. Moved away from Portland.

June 1995 - Started a job in Michigan

March 28, 1996 - Series of three powerful prophetic dreams, one I refer to as "the orb dream" where someone died but comes back to me later.

December 18, 1999 - Had a dream about a spirit following me and trying to get my attention. Had a sense of their presence after waking.

February 17, 2001 - Powerful visitation dream I would refer to as my "angel dream" because of the energy I felt from the being in the dream.

June 2003 - Married

June 2005. - Moved to Missouri

January 2006 - Moved to Portland, Oregon

June 2008 - Gave birth to Inara.

October 2, 2010 - Jill ended her own life.

January 2011 - Moved to a new apartment.

March 24, 2011 - Phoenix, my furry best friend, died from congestive heart failure. Started trying to find stories of near death experiences where people were reunited with their pets.

September 8, 2011 - Got back in touch with Jason after 17 years. Started to obsessively diet and exercise.  Lost 60 pounds.

April 5, 2012 - Went to see Jason in Las Vegas and was brutally rejected which catapulted me into a spiritual journey and a journey back to self.

Art by Charlie Terrell

November 9, 2012 - Inara reported hearing whispers making it hard for her to go to sleep. Had a dream about River that caused me to search if others had reported River being their spirit guide. Found the Channeling Erik blog and eventually joined the Facebook group.

June 3, 2013 - Had a vivid visitation dream where everyone there were cousins.

September 9, 2013 - Powerful "Erik" visitation dream.

January 30, 2014 - Powerful visitation dream. I went to him this time.

May 16, 2014 - Press release for Sum 41 frontman's brush with death. My guides said Deryck Whibley was someone who was a walk-in and needed me to help him remember who he really is so he could do his mission work he agreed to as a condition for extending his life. I started trying to communicate immediately on his blog website.

July 17, 2014 - Opened an Instagram account to be able to communicate with Deryck.

January 26, 2017 - Was guided to Laura Jane Grace through a friend and signs and syncs.

Art by Charlie Terrell

March 2018 - Started to explore Keanu Reeves based on signs and syncs. Decided it was a false lead.

April 26, 2018 - Had a dream confirming that Keanu was player blue.

July 29, 2019 - Developed a new understanding about the five parts of heart. I know who my heart belongs to...still....my muse canoe. 💜

Freedom Flight of Thought

I was searching old journals to compile a timeline of sorts of my journey. I came across various nuggets of gold buried in the shit that I didn't remember writing. The below are a couple of those nuggets and what was sort of a forward of what the notebook was intended for. Unfortunately, it did end up becoming a journal and the majority of my journal material is mostly throw away.

I spoke a lot about God and to God in my writing, which feels cringey when I go back to read, but it is interesting reading it with my new perspective of who and what "God" actually is.

September 1990
This is not a journal of the day to day events of my life, although the day to day events will affect it. This is a journal of my thoughts, thoughts transferred to paper with pen.

Our thoughts are what makes us individuals. Without thought, we would all be cars without drivers. A car without a driver goes nowhere.

You do not have to go through years of school in order to think. School merely trains you to think in a process that is usually analytical. It teaches us to think alike. A highschool diploma is not required for individual creative thought. I know this, for I do not have that piece of paper in which society would like us to believe we need in order to exist. Before there were schools, God and nature were our teachers. God is who I credit for my knowledge and the only teacher I trust.

Thoughts influence our decisions, what we like, what we do, who we see.... basically everything connected to choice and some things not connected to choice.

Society is now trying to ban things we say, do and hear. They are trying to ban opinions but they can never ban your thoughts  our thoughts belong to us. They can chain our feet, tie our hands behind our backs, put earplugs in our ears, blindfolds over our eyes and tape our mouths, yet they cannot stop us from thinking. They can even kill our brains, yet thought will never die for our thoughts are actually who we are, our souls ARE thought. So if souls never die, neither does thought.

This is my Freedom Flight of Thought.

September 23, 1990 - This day seems insignificant, nothing outstanding has happened, yet every day is significant because it connects us to another day. Significance is not something we can accurately measure. I am only one but isn't one something?

I began to wonder what God was, if there was a God and then I began to doubt. I became miserable. They say "God is Love". Without God there is no love. If I doubt the existence of God, am I not also doubting the existence of Love?

October 24, 1990 - And there's that voice again! "DON'T RELY ON PROOF, RELY ON BLIND FAITH. DON'T WONDER HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU...KNOW AND BELIEVE HE DOES LOVE YOU. BELIEVE IT AND SO IT IS." Stupid voice drives me crazy sometimes...but that voice knows plenty of things I've never even thought of. I guess I should at least try, huh?

Censorship Sucks!!!

So you know how Facebook brings up your memories? This is one that came up and the photo was mysteriously gone. There was no warning that they had removed the photo as has happened on Instagram. I wonder how many of my other posts have quietly been stripped. This photo is not obscene or pornographic!!! It is ART, you assholes. It is beautiful!!

“One of the most difficult things I ever did was learn to support myself through my whole range of emotional experiences without running away.”
― Vironika Tugaleva

Photo by Harry Callahan - Eleanor, Chicago 1948

#selfsupport #emotions #strength #emotionalsupport #lessons #difficultlessons #notrunningaway #experiences #workingthroughit #vintage #vintagephoto #blackandwhite

Self Love Fairies, Inkblots, and Healing Health Issues

A friend was asking about a revelation I made and was talking about with her. The revelation was how Kurt Cobain was right handed but played guitar left handed and Keanu Reeves is left handed but plays bass right handed. Understanding how they are mirrors was big for me. It helped me snap another piece or two of my puzzle into place.

The below was the response I gave her. As I typed, I was processing it all in order to try to explain. I came to an understanding I hadn't yet had with all of this Kurt stuff that has come up recently.

Comment to friend:

Think of an ink blot.

Fold the paper.

Kurt and Keanu are like the ink blot One side is reversed to mirror.

But it is more complicated than that. There is a top and bottom and left and right.

Higher mind is top
Heart is bottom
Left is shadow/hard
Right is light/soft

Keanu - Top/shadow
Kurt - Bottom/shadow
Brandon - Top/light
River - Bottom/light

If you look at them all together, they are 4 parts of a larger being...

Input + output = left brain
Input + output = right brain
4 Chambers of the human heart, left distributing blood to one side of the body and right distributing to the other.

What needs to happen is that they all work together.

From an energy perspective, Kurt is left heart and left is the side I have had so many problems with recently. Kidney pain, edema, pain throughout my entire left side. The edema is more pronounced on my left side.

I never was all that interested in Kurt, to be honest. So him representing left heart means a neglect and lack of love given to those shadow aspects of myself. Loving him in all of his flaws is really just loving myself. We had similar issues. Not the drug problem but the inability to feel joy and happiness. We both feel a sense of just wanting out of this life. We both feel we don't really belong in this reality. There is a rage in us that bubbles below the surface that threatens to explode, decimating everything within reach of the toxic gases that spew from our mouths.

But love and understanding can tame and calm this.

Kurt had so much self loathing. His stomach hurt all the time because he couldn't really stomach himself. He hated his life in the public eye because he hated himself and couldn't see his own brilliance. He couldn't understand what everyone saw in him so he thought he hated it all...that whole life. Had he been able to love himself, he could have understood how magnificent he really was and could have found a place of joy and balance.

Interestingly, my left side pain has been subsiding. It is slowly improving...so I guess self reflection is just what the doctor ordered.

Drawing by Kurt Cobain

The conversation continued with my friend, Lindsay, when she asked if I had made anymore discoveries today:

And no more discoveries. More just ponderings.

Like people are shown whomever they need to see in order to see themselves.

Kurt and River are like self love fairies.

The poster boys of what happens if you don't love yourself enough.

Their method of death doesn't matter because the end result was the same.

You attract what you are and the people they attracted weren't good for them.

Hindsight is 20/20. Once you are dead from your choices, it is easy to see where you fucked up.

True love isn't found often because most people don't know how to love themselves.

They don't realize they don't.

Selfishness is often mistaken as self love.

When you truly love self, you become selfless because you can love all aspects of self, therefore those outside of self are easier to love as well.

Exactly! Boundaries are necessary and part of healthy self love practices, but what becomes easier is giving to all of those damaged people what we needed to give ourselves or wished someone had given us when we were at that place in our lives...hence becoming selfless and being of service. Sometimes on our journey we needed people to state their boundaries clearly and gently when we were stepping on toes, which effective non-blaming communication skills are needed to achieve that. Giving to others what we needed back then helps to heal the collective.

Dream: Ender Cat, The Beatles, Prince Charming, Kurt Death Room

Collage art by WelderWings 'Ressurection'

Dream Journal Entry: July  6, 2017 I dreamed about a 4 member band. The funny one liked me and was pursuing me. He was unrelenting and his attention made me feel nervous because I'm not used to that anymore. He would follow me around everywhere. In one scene he was waving his limp penis in my face. I didn't seem put off or phased by this and stayed in the room with him. Later I reach in my pocket and found two gold pills in my pocket that are meant to help with arousal and a spray aphrodisiac in a Black bottle. I held the pills in my left hand and the spray with my right. Later I see him cooking Burgers on a grill. He was making several but was making one specifically for me that was orange and he had placed something special on top...a silver crown.  I made some mental connection with the Beatles and kept asking myself over and over who the funny one was of the Beatles...that I needed to find out. 

Later we are all in a place where a lot of people are and he is still pursuing me. Someone recognizes him and calls him "prince charming"... Like he was actually a prince or someone very important and people knew who he was but I hadn't. I got excited because I started to remember the fairy tale connection with my story and feel more ready to be open to him so that we can complete what we came here to do. There was something about how it was his job to serve the wine to the couples and it was an important position. He turned to go back into the room to do his job and he took his hat off. I think there was something at that point about him being only 12 but I figured I could make it work in order to complete what we needed to do.

I started to rouse and was trying to hold onto my dream by recalling it. I drifted back to sleep and dreamed of a man that I consider to be the same as the funny one from earlier.

First there was a scene where I am getting ready for school and I have this knowing that I don't have to be there and I just decide I won't go to school...that I simply don't want to and was going to stay home.

Now it feels like I am in a very large house. There are lots of rooms. One section seemed to have an elevated area where a green mossy-like vegetation was growing.

The guy is still interested in me and has selected me. There is a crowd of people and he has drawn me near him away from them. There is one dude in particular who stood out as being an ass. I see my guy take a needle and poked the asshole guy with it and he pops like a balloon. I hear something about "bursting his bubble" and how because of my good choices, I had been selected to move on and those who had failed would be eliminated. The guy is talking to me but I can't remember about what in sections.  At one point he morphed into a woman and starts kissing me. Something is mentioned about us being Vampires and she laughs and says yes, that we basically are.

I seem to be walking through the house and I stop at a small room I had passed previously and go in. I crouched down by the forced air heat coming from the floor by the door. The room is tiny and mostly empty but I am drawn to the room. The guy is now a guy again and pops into the room and says maybe I would be more comfortable in a different room. I am looking at the walls and notice what looks like knots in wood dotted around on the walls. The guy says that most people don't like this room, that it used to be the funeral room and people were creeped out by this and the eyes on the walls.

I told him that I didn't mind, that I quite liked the room and liked looking at the patterns on the walls that then became eyes that moved and looked at me. The guy remarked that I was not like other people and why I had been chosen.

Collage art by Esther Limones

Now I am in a room on an exam table and the guy is using some instrument and inserting it into me vaginally. I don't seem phased or bothered by this. I mention something about having this high pitched ringing in my left ear a lot since I had been in this house and he smiles and tells me that i am hearing the Ender cat and he had selected me and that is saying he wants to eat me. I didn't get a fearful feeling but more just trying to process what he meant. In my head I could see a connection to this physical probe and the Ender Cat wanting to eat me. I saw buttons inside of me and the kind of eating I saw was actually more like oral sex being performed on me. I started to wake there.

Henri-Jean-Guillaume Martin French, 1860-1943. FRENCH LA MUSE DU PEINTRE. 

An Open Letter to my Masked Mirror Man

Art by Stephen Mackey

My Dearest Masked Mirror Man,

Don't you understand by now that money and fame mean very little to me? What I seek is connection with the energy within that vessel.

At the beginning of all of this, I connected to an energy who took my breath away. Feeling him stirred a deep remembering in my soul. I felt a love in those moments that I have never felt in the physical in this life. Finding out that being is a part of you blew me away. Fully grasping that he is part of you was unexpected but it helped me understand why I have been pushed in your direction.

You see, if you and he are part of the same being, my heart is already yours. It always was yours, I just didn't know your human form yet. I don't want to be with just anyone. I don't want a relationship at all if it isn't with the energy I love beyond being able to adequately express it. Knowing without doubt that you are part of him makes any apprehensions and reservations I had completely disappear because I know....YOU are my everything. You are the one I have been searching for all of this time....my needle in a haystack.

Art by Stephen Mackey

Here is the dream I first felt your energy:

February 17, 2001 I had a rather strange dream before I woke. I can't remember a lot of details. It started someplace like K-Mart. The store was closed and I think it was getting ready to go out of business...at least that is the feeling I got. I remember being in the computer section and doing something with a computer. I think the brand name had the initials E. G. or E. M. can't remember exactly but I do remember there were initials. I think there was someone else there with me but I can't remember who. We left because someone was coming. I think we were going to pretend we worked there. Then it seemed like we were in a hotel room somewhere and we were getting dressed up...can't remember why. Then we were outside the building going down the sidewalk and I remember saying, "I'm telling you, we have to go back so I can get some shoes." I had no shoes on but a dress and panty hose. I said again that I needed to get some shoes at the store while I was walking down the sidewalk and saw this beautiful man dressed in a suit coming in the opposite direction.

He looked directly at me. I felt embarrassed about not having on any shoes and I turned around to go back into my room to get shoes on. The beautiful man followed me into the building. All of a sudden he was beside me on my left with his arm around my waist. It was almost as if I was floating and no longer walking on my own. This man walked with me down the hall and at one point, there was an area full of people gathered around a little shop. It was there that we got separated for a little while. I didn't think I would be able to find him again but I did and we went on past the crowd down the hall.

I wound up in his room lying in bed with him. He was laying on his left side with his back to me. I put an arm around him and he turned towards me. We started talking. He said something about how he wasn't sure if he wanted to follow through with being with me but now that I was receptive to him he had changed his mind. He pulled me on top of him. We were both naked. He held me in his arms and I held him. I put my face in his neck and basked in feeling safe and secure and feeling good about myself. I remember thinking I wanted to tell him that I really hadn't planned on having sex with him either and that I would be content laying in his arms all night and forever if I could. He was AMAZING and almost MAGICAL.

That's when the dream started to fade and I started to wake. I tried to go back to sleep so I could continue to dream about this wonderful man, but Phoenix wouldn't let me. I woke with the dream lingering in my mind and I wondered if it had any special meaning. I wondered who the man was because I don't remember him being a familiar face to me. Was he an angel? I can't remember specifically what he looked like which is odd. I just remember how wonderful it was to have him near. I can only hope I will meet with this special person again in my sleep tonight. I didn't want to leave his embrace. Who are you dream man? Come see me again tonight. Come speak to me and hold me.

Big K, little k what begins with K? 
K-mart
Key Key
And kiss begin with K

Here is another visitation dream where I felt the same energy:

January 30, 2014 I am sure I dreamed, but the sound of our cat scratching on the outside of the window like Freddy Kruger scared the memories right out of me. Once I let the cat back in and laid back down there was only a sliver of a dream I remember that took my breath away. I was somewhere and I was trying to remember why this place looked so familiar and I think I thought "oh I had a dream here before but I woke up too fast and didn't remember" and this guy walks up to the house and I remember that I know him and have had a relationship with him before and he grins real big when he sees me and I hug him and start to kiss him. He says,"I have hay poop all over me. You are going to become covered." I said, "I don't care" and kissed him more. And then I suddenly started to come out of the dream and I was like nooooo I need to remember. I don't know who "he" was....just that I had big love for him. He had been in the stables cleaning horse stalls. I wonder if he is someone from a past life. It felt like when I knew him before he was younger and now he was fully a man.

It is you I started this self discovery journey for by searching far and wide for you. I was looking for you but found me.
And now that I have found the highest version of me, I want to be with you.
It is you I love with every particle of my being.
It is you I give my open heart to freely and happily.
It is you I want to spend this life and every life with.

All you have to do is accept and choose me too.

All of my love and more,

oKtobre

For you, my love...