"You have been lost to me for many years
But I'm starting to remember you again" - me
I was recently talking to a friend and he commented "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced" and "I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole". I know coming from my friend that he is sincere about this. He isn't being an asshole or a jerk, he is just very confident and secure in who he is. He likes who he is. I have so much respect for him...for his thinking himself awesome and having this kind of confidence in himself.
This simple and honest statement made me really ponder a few things about myself. I sat there inwardly thinking about it and realized I had spent a long time not really thinking I was awesome at all. If you asked me to name something I liked about myself 4 months ago, I honestly wouldn't have been able to give you an answer because I didn't really like anything about myself. I had morphed into this stranger I didn't really like very much.
If you had asked me 10 years ago what I liked about myself I could have named several things about myself that I thought were positive qualities. I liked my dry, sarcastic sense of humor. I liked how perceptive I was to how others were feeling. I liked my artistic side and my ability to create things with my hands and imagination. I liked that I was an open book and wasn't afraid to share my thoughts and feelings with the world. I liked that I was honest and sometimes bluntly so. I liked that I was independent minded and how that attribute shined through as a bit of an edgy attitude.
I lost myself, as I have mentioned before. I lost the "me" that I actually liked and didn't realize it until recently.
I got up this morning and, while listening to music on my MP3 player, I danced. I danced while my daughter and husband slept and it felt fantastic! Lately when I look in the mirror I am starting to recognize the person staring back at me. When I close my eyes and search my heart, I feel her re-emerging....the old me that has been sitting quietly in the background waiting for her chance to emerge once again and shine. I am happy. It is such a great feeling!
One day I'm going to say to someone, "I’m not conceited…or cocky….I’m convinced. I’m pretty fuckin’ awesome as a whole" and it won't be just empty words I'm repeating. I will really believe it too. :)