What Are You Looking For?

Art by Michael Malm 

You come here day after day using one specific blog post as your entry point. I have taken that blog away. Now what? What are you looking for? If you are Stephanie, kindly fuck off. You have my husband, what more do you want? My daughter? You can have him but you can't have her.

If you aren't Stephanie stalking me, who are you? What do you want? What do you hope you are going to find here?

Layers of Meaning in Dreams

Illustration by Amelia Jane Murray 

It's rare these days that I have an exciting epiphany due to new information coming in, but today is one of those days. While I was at work, I thought and thought all about it and couldn't wait to write about it when I got home, but now that I am home, I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. I will do the best I can despite my tiredness.

I have said before on many occasions that I fully believe that dreams have layers of meaning. The meaning you get when you first have a dream might be completely different from the meaning you gain when new information comes into play. It doesn't mean that the first meaning was wrong, just that there are additional messages to be gained.

I spend a fair amount of time on TikTok lately. I love TikTok for everything I have been learning. I have learned a lot of different things like recipes, natural remedies, plant medicine, current events, and astrology. 

Now, I have always been interested in astrology, but it has always felt so overwhelming to learn about. I didn't know where to start. Along comes TikTok and my "for you" page shows me a healthy stream of bits about astrology. Someone will talk about a placement, a house or an aspect and I end up wanting to learn more after I go check my own chart and my own placements for whatever they are discussing. I will never be an astrologer, because I don't seem to retain the mountains of information available, but I have been learning a great deal about myself. 

Learning about my placements in my chart has helped me understand myself better and understand that certain aspects of who I am was predetermined by the date, time and place of my birth. It's truly wild gaining such valuable information about one's self.

Recently I saw a video where the content creator was talking about planetary placements that were bottom heavy or top heavy. She described drawing a line through the middle of the circle of a birth chart and the top half is the daytime and the bottom represents nighttime. 

My chart (pictured above) is very bottom heavy with planets. It suddenly dawned on me that a lot of references I was getting in dreams were probably astrology related but I didn't understand that yet.

I frequently dream of not having a top on. Sometimes I see a literal bottom half of a body with no top. Sometimes I see references to not having pants on or that this animal that is part horse and part cow only has a top half. I often dream of someone who has no legs. I used to think that aspect had to do with my literal lack of transportation, but now I think that must be talking about someone whose chart is very top heavy with planets.

The more I learn about my chart, the more I think the two lions chasing me in a dream were actually referencing two Leo aspects in my chart. 

When I dream of twins, it's a reference to Gemini in my chart. Perhaps the age of the twins can be seen as the degree they are in my chart. An early placement shows young twins and older twins would be a later placement in Gemini.

There's so much to consider based on this new revelation. I know that my chart isn't the only one I am obviously dreaming about because of the animals that had no bottom half, but I can't say for sure who the other people are that I am dreaming about.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I just wanted to write it down so I don't forget.

Dream Journal Entry: December 16, 2018 

I dreamed of being in a place with a lot of people. I saw what looked like a black horse mixed with a cow...like he was half horse and half cow. He was a little misshapen in that he didn't seem to have working back legs so he walked on his two front legs looking almost human-like. Most people were avoiding this mixed creature, but I reached out and gave him affection. He wasn't used to being touched but accepted me caressing his fur and stayed very close to me after.

Are You Reading Me?

Why not drop a line in the comments and tell me where you are from? If you like what I have to say or want to share some of your own thoughts about a blog post, leave a comment. 

I would like to hear from you.

Say Something

Art by Lorenza Pigliamosche (IG: _pigliamosche)

I want to say something, but I don't know what. 

I guess I will share some thoughts I shared on a message board thread pertaining to Keanu Reeves.

This was me responding to a comment about the announcement that Keanu is going to star in a Broadway play:

It's a bucket list thing, I think. If you had the ability to fulfill your bucket list items, wouldn't you? Keanu just has a lot more resources and connections to actually make it happen.

It's not a matter of being particularly good at it, but having the experience.

While I find him questionable in many ways, I can respect a desire to fulfill a long time dream.

Jinkx Monsoon is a local drag queen. I just watched her on season five of RuPaul's Drag Race. In it she said she wanted to be the first drag queen to perform in a Broadway play...and she made that dream happen! I have so much respect when people actually make their dreams come true. It takes a lot of courage to overcome self doubts and fears to move forward towards our dreams...probably even for Keanu.

The question should not be, "Will I be good at it?" but the question should be, "If I died tomorrow, would I regret not having tried in order to have the experience?"

If we always live our lives for other people and their opinions, we stop living.

I was responding to: "She doesn't deserve to be with him. Here come my haters!!!"

For the record, I'm not a hater. I just happen to hold different opinions, that's all.

"Deserve" is a curious word. To say that she doesn't deserve him would suggest to me that you elevate him in your own mind, given everything else said.

In my mind, they deserve each other.

I think they are very similar people and have similar character. Being faced with someone so similar to one's self can seem like a blessing in the beginning, but further into the relationship, it can be the very thing that becomes a source of conflict.

It's not always comfortable to be faced with someone so similar to ourselves because all of our own deficits are reflected back at us in the form of another person. A person willing to grow will use that mirror and change, but a person unwilling to grow will only point fingers at the other person and blame them for all of the problems and never see they are guilty of exactly the same things they don't like in the other person.

Regardless of who we choose, be it friends, romantic partners, or work partners, we are faced with opportunities to become better people regardless of how difficult or pleasant it might be.

I wish for them growth and expansion.

I was responding to someone who, in recent months, has gained a lot of people disliking her for being a voice of reason and closing out her comments with "Keanu + Honey forever":

Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts even when it feels like the water you are swimming in is filled with hungry sharks wanting to shred you to bits for fun. Your voice is valuable. Something you said helped me shift back into a higher gear. I'm grateful.

I'm not a fan of Keanu, but that doesn't mean I can't be more thoughtful and respectful of those who are for their own reasons.

You demonstrated your empathy by pointing out that Alexandra is a person with feelings which was a reminder to me that Keanu, also, is a person who has feelings even though it is very easy to dehumanize the very famous. It's very easy to think that what we say doesn't matter because "that celebrity won't ever see or care what I say".

What we say is like a pebble thrown into a pond. We can watch the ripples moving out when we see someone else adopting our expressions be it negative or positive.

We, too, should choose wisely.

Thank you.

I Looked Everywhere For U

Deserted Moment by Kay Nielsen, 1911

I got to work promptly at 4:00 a.m. and started doing my usual routine. During the course of my usual duties, something got shaken up and letters fell from my sign that was set up for blue. I found most of the pieces I lost, but I couldn't find u.

I looked everywhere for u. I turned on a light and searched high and low for u. I resolved that u were lost and I replaced u with another. 

I went into the place where I make my creations, I looked down and there u were, face down on the floor. I reached down to help u turnover and picked u up. I guessed u had hitched a ride on my shoe and had been with me all along.

I was happy to see u. I picked u up and decided to keep u with me. U might have been part of a sign but now u were mine. I think u were meant for me.

Red, Meet Blue

 

It's weird when the beginning chapter of your spiritual journey meets the ending chapter.

Red, meet  Blue 

I was guided to various characters on my journey to help me learn about me and heal certain aspects of self...some living, some dead. Each character had specific colors show up repeatedly in dreams and in the waking state that represented the chakra issues I was working through via studying them and observing their lives. Usually there was always something being highlighted through recognizing a pattern in their life. That pattern usually existed in my life, as well, which gave me the opportunity to change something and clear a blockage.

Red always showed up in dreams for Deryck Whibley from Sum 41. He also wears a lot of red, too.  Red is the color of the root chakra which can be about survival and security. His presence was highlighting my own root chakra issues by acting as a mirror. I learned a lot and healed a lot during my time with Deryck.

Blue always showed up in dreams for Keanu Reeves from Dogstar. He also chooses blue for his guitar and his motorcycle. Blue is the color of the throat chakra and is all about communication. His presence was highlighting areas in my own life where I need to communicate better by observing all the ways he doesn't communicate authentically. 

I think there were also some daddy issues that Keanu helped shine a spotlight on because of his own daddy issues.  Why was I so angry about people believing he is such a saintly nice guy that his PR team pushes so often when it isn't actually true? Because when my father was abusing his family, no one believed us when we tried to tell them. They couldn't believe that such a good church going man would do such a thing.

Do I feel completely healed now that I'm feeling I'm at the end of my journey?

Not really. 

I think I probably still have a lot of work to do but little motivation to do it at this point. 

Thirteen years have passed since my spiritual journey started and the cocoon stage in which the caterpillar becomes goo that I have been in for some time has produced nothing. 

No beautiful butterfly.

No wings.

I'm still a blob of goo, I guess.

I just work a lot, feel exhausted a lot. 

I don't focus on my dreams much anymore. I'm lucky if I can remember anything from them.

I'm grateful to have a job and be able to pay for the things we need. I don't hate my job and think "OMG I don't want to be here."  But I do think, "This isn't really what I dreamed my life would be one day. "

My dreams didn't come to fruition. There have not really been fruits for my labor of the past 13 years.

It is what it is, I guess. I will make the best of it. I always do.

I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to go see, in person, two of the people who Spirit guided me to, Deryck/red and Laura Jane Grace/yellow. It felt like closure of those chapters. When I didn't think Dogstar were going to play anywhere near me, I was bummed. But now they are playing near me and I have a ticket to go to their show in September. 

So, when I saw the picture of Keanu standing next to Deryck, it gave me pause and caused me to reflect on this long spiritual journey of mine. 

I don't know what will come after the Dogstar show. I haven't been guided in any specific direction, so your guess is as good as mine.

I guess I will just play it by ear and let the wind take me where it will.

Resurrection

"Meeting of souls in the Universe" 1946, by Jan Konupek (1883 -1950)

Resurrection 

From my slumber

Dark soul sublime

Come back humbler

Appreciate 

What came before

Pain creations

And pen restored

Admiration 

Word tailor me

Come back to life

Allowed to breathe 

Oktobre Taylor

Ready or Not

'Belehrung' by Sergius Hruby, 1935

The Eighth day

Of an eight year

Dancing to a tune

A rare feat 

Blue bunny

And a Blue boy

Once in a blue moon

They shall meet

Oktobre Taylor