The Amanda Connection

Amanda de Cadenet is connected to them all.

Is she the ultimate narc and ringleader of a three ring circus and playing multiple players against each other to gain what she ultimately wants?

Keanu Reeves.

It is clear she wants him back and all to herself. What lengths would she go to in order to achieve this goal? Murder? Manipulation to encourage others to do her dirty work for her?  

No doubt, many of the players are nasty, shady people with their own motives and agendas to get something from Keanu. Everyone around him seems to want something from him.

Who actually has his back and best interests in mind? Does he know what a den of vultures and snakes he is surrounded by?

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Amanda seems to be connected to all of the highly shady people which makes her the shadiest of them all. Like attracts like.

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Courtney Love (allegedly killed Kurt Cobain and Kristen Pfaff)

River Phoenix (interviewed by Amanda. Asked him about sex.) 

Johnny Depp (allegedly killed River Phoenix; married to Amber Heard)

Amber Heard (married to Johnny Depp)

Rose McGowan (fiance to Marilyn Manson)

Marilyn Manson (Jennifer Syme was partying at his house the night she died)

All of MM's harem dye their hair black.

Alexandra Grant (Keanu's current "partner")

Jessicka Adams? (Dated MM band member, Twiggy Ramirez)

Keanu Reeves (the object of her obsession) and Patricia Taylor (Keanu's mom)

Jennifer Syme (died returning to MM's house)

Flea (RHCP and River's "best friend")

She seems to have adopted Jennifer's look here: 

I Was a Different Person Then

Art by Satou Odori

How many times have you come to a place in your life where someone recalls a version of you from the past as though it still exists? Have you ever found yourself saying, "I was a different person back then"?

I've been thinking about that and how literally parts of us can be kicked out of the body and a different version of us takes over the driver's seat. Maybe with each trauma and each part of ourselves we cut off to fit a situation or another person, a part of us dies and leaves the body.

I can recall a happy child version of me when I was 3 and 4, but it wouldn't be long before parts of that sweet innocent child would take hits and suffer casualties. 

Illustration for Mario Rapisardi's poem
"Lucifer" (1877) by Gino De' Bini

By the time I was in my 20s, I would say my inner child was fully dead and pushed out to fend for herself. I walked through life feeling mostly numb and dead inside. Rage was about the only emotion I could regularly emote. 

I wasn't always a nice or kind person. In fact, I was sharp tongued, bitter and harsh. That is the person who was left in the driver's seat...the one who took over because the original was too weak to survive what "Oktobre" had to survive. I've dumped memories from my past and when people say, "do you remember?" I have to admit that I don't remember a lot from when I was that other person.

Illustration for Mario Rapisardi's poem
"Lucifer" (1877) by Gino De' Bini

What the spiritual journey back to self did for me was help restore the parts of me that were kicked out of the body. Those parts were the lamb that was sacrificed for the sake of survival. 

Isaiah 11:6

The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.

When we talk about the above bible verse about the wolf dwelling with the lamb, this is about integration of all parts of self. The little child shall lead them because when we successfully heal, our inner child can be rebirthed to become who they were always meant to be before the trauma and need to deploy armies and go into survival mode. When innocence and purity returns, we start to listen to that sweet child and allow them to experience what excites them and light them up. We indulge their desire to BE, LAUGH, and PLAY.  When we heal and shift out of survival mode, we are free to experience life in creative mode. 

Art by Antonella Fant

I'm not at all the same person I used to be. 

There are multiple versions of who I have been in my past. There are probably a fair amount of people who remember me as being a shitty, mean, depressed and sarcastic person. There are people that knew the old version who only will ever see that version no matter how much I change before their eyes. 

Hesiod and the Muse
 by Gustave Moreau

Letting go of those old relationships is an act of love for that inner child that desperately wants to be welcomed home to us and living in the open, unfettered and free.

Forgiveness and redemption is something each of us who choose to heal should gift ourselves. We have to forgive ourselves for who we have been if those people weren't always the best people. We have to forgive our journey through darkness, but ultimately redeem ourselves through bringing our light child back into ourselves through learning from all of our experiences and making different choices going forward.

Art by Marc Fishman

To be the highest version of ourselves, we have to integrate all parts of self. We don't have to hate and cast out the version that made horrible choices, but, rather, forgive them and teach those parts how to make better choices, how to work together as a harmonious team to achieve their best life for the whole of self.

To the one who I dream most of...

I see you.

I see you in my dreams and I see the new one you are becoming. 

I love you.

One Eyed Man Dream

"in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king" Painting by Piotr Janusz

Dream Journal Entry: February 19, 2021

I took a nap and dreamed about moving. There was something about my friend, MaryAnn, giving me a ride somewhere. She was driving a station wagon and had other people with her. There was something about a king sized mattress she had with her and I was helping her move it because she is having trouble with it. I was surprised at how light it was compared to the one I had been sleeping on. I told her about how difficult my king sized mattress is to move because it is so heavy. I think she is talking about getting rid of it and I was thinking I would maybe offer to buy it from her.

For some reason I am taking the mattress with me and I am going to meet her with it somewhere. The weight of it isn't difficult at all for me because I was used to one so much heavier but it was difficult for her. 

Now it seems I am traveling through my home town and I am feeling like I want coffee before I hit the road with MaryAnn and I am looking for a coffee place. I am thinking they probably don't have a Peet's here so I settle for some alternative. When I go into this place, they are getting ready to close for the day because they had sold out of all of the made coffee for the day. I recognize one of the workers but I feel uncertain because where I know him from was a completely different location. I knew him in michigan and it felt out if context to see him here in Missouri. I said, "Is that you, Tom?" He recognized me right away and came forward near to me where I was trying to balance this mattress so it didn't fall over. When he got close to me, I noticed that he his right eye was missing. It seems like he wants to talk to me and catch up, but he was called back to finish closing up the shop. I woke up there.

Tom was my friend in Michigan who was into BDSM. I haven't seen or talked to him in years. When I looked up what it means to pluck the right eye out, it made sense why I dreamed of him.

Image Credit

Matthew 5:29

If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

Image by D-Keine

"In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king."

From Wiki: A similar (yet much earlier, dating to the 4th or 5th century CE) turn of phrase, and Erasmus' possible inspiration, appears in the Genesis Rabbah as בשוק סמייא צווחין לעווירא סגי נהור, meaning 

"In the street of the blind, the one-eyed man is called the Guiding Light".

Art by Slavia Droid

Something Unexpected

February 16, 2021 They said something to me this morning about being done with the water signs.

Yesterday I heard myself saying, "You burned your house down."

_________________

Of course this sentence I heard myself saying caused my thoughts to wander back to you and remember. I wondered quietly to myself, "Is it true? Have you burned your house down? Dare I allow myself to hope?"

I engaged in the forbidden indulgence of gazing at a picture of you. I lingered longer than I normally do.

Something unexpected happened.

I started to imagine touching your face gently, tracing every nuance and curve as if I was learning it for a sculpture I might make of your likeness. I imagined our lips meeting in a tender kiss. Not a deep and passionate kiss, but the gentle kiss of two people who are a little shy, a little nervous and feel so much for each other, meeting for the first time. 

I imagined laying my head on your chest, hearing your heart beat and feeling your arms wrapped around me with a hand stroking my hair and back softly. I imagined our fingers laced together and me whispering, "I never want this moment to end."

Maybe to some people, this imagining seems basic and unextraordinary, but for me, I have resisted imagining anything with you. I know how powerful imagining can be. Thoughts create and I haven't wanted to "manipulate" with thinking relationships into existence. I have wanted it to be organic, natural and free will. I don't want a fantasy, I want something real and lasting.

And so this spontaneous imagining I experienced was surprising because it happened with ease in my nostalgic, relaxed, and allowing state.

I miss you.

I imagine you.

I want you.

Dream: Choosing to Assist

Art by Kinuko Y. Craft

Dream Journal Entry: January 30, 2021

I had the most amazing dream that felt like a movie in its arrangement. I will try to remember as much as I can.

I dreamed I was staying/living in this apartment. It was quite dark out. It felt like nighttime. I noticed some kids had taken a hair styling doll head that belonged to me out to the community playground and left it there. I was a little annoyed by this and went to retrieve it.

I remember some couple had turned the heat to my apartment down. I was annoyed by this because it was my apartment and told them to not do that again...that I had it at a comfortable temperature and want it left that way. 

An older woman showed up outside my house in sort of an exhausted crumpled pile. I want to say it was Kay, but I can no longer remember anymore. It was the middle of the night and I invited her in and offered for her to stay until morning when she had energy enough to get to where she was going. I told her she could share my bed even though it was just a broken down mattress on the floor.

There was something about finding some small bones. I can't remember if I found them at the playground or just outside my house. I examined the bones and it looked to be from a child and the skull looked like some violence had happened to it . I noticed that the eyes had a calcification over it and guessed that the child had been blind when they were alive. 

I was in my apartment when I was examining the bones and something strange happened. The wall to my place seemed to disappear and it felt like I was looking into the past at a scene when the child was alive. I saw him as a boy deformed and sitting in a wheelchair. He and his mother were present and it was obvious they were poor and she struggled to care for them both. I knew some would have been scared by what was occurring and would have run away, but I stepped through the wall into the scene and touched the child to see if I could assist in some way. Somehow my actions changed the past entirely and now the boy is fully healed. He is no longer in a wheelchair and he could see perfectly. I held him lovingly against me and felt his head which was mostly shaved. I could feel the slight prickles of new growth. The boy looked up at me and I heard "This is your future husband." I remember seeing something about freckles forming on his face and noticing the profile of his nose and how it has a slight curve and hook like an eagle. 

I looked at the mother and she looks completely different now. She looks like she is doing well and is able to take good care of her son and there was none of the former struggles present anymore. I was amazed how this was possible and how something I had done had changed the past so that not only had he survived to be part of my current timeline, but the previous trauma had been erased and he experienced something different entirely. 

I think I saw the boy as a man briefly and remember him being very tall next to me.

I also remember seeing Dave Grohl in various scenes but can no longer remember specifically the speaking parts he had. I don't remember it being particularly profound or important, it just felt like a bit scene and he said funny things. I think I talked to him a little bit but can no longer remember the actual conversation. 

I saw some tiny little fairy man with a white beard and a metallic silver nose that resembled a watering can. He was laying as though dead. Someone else was holding snow that was melting and I had some knowing that he needed some of the melting snow and asked her to hold it near him but she didn't. So I collected water and placed it near the metallic nose and he took it inside of himself and I started to see a more vibrant blue be restored and he started to show signs of life. 

After I helped all the people I helped, I saw myself growing succulents on my face. I have no idea what that means

I think Dave had an additional scene and then I saw movie credits and it was as though everything I just saw and experienced had been part of a movie. I was disappointed it had come to a completion so soon but noticed that the end credits seemed to be showing all kinds of different potentialities of future scenes.

I woke up there with that dream and laid and thought a lot about it.

Art by Alyn Spiller

The next dreams all had to do with this boy who was now a man. I was with him at his place of work and he is being intimate with me. He is kissing me gently and I am noticing how pleasant the kissing is and thinking how long it has been since I kissed someone who kissed well. I remember him being very tall and fit. I was a little concerned about him getting in trouble because of being intimate with me. I can't remember the kind of work or establishment it was. I remember touching him and feeling his penis and then looking over seeing a table full of boys dressed in blue football jerseys peaking. I laughed and said maybe we should try to refrain because of the kids. And the guy said, "Maybe we should invite them to our wedding." I had this sense of things moving very swiftly between us but there was no fear or uncertainties for either of us. I remember us laying together on a table just enjoying being close and touching. I don't remember actual intercourse at that point. 

Oh yeah, I just remembered a bit about how his hair was long and curly like mine only darker and I thought it was beautiful. I told him how much l loved it and when he pulled it back it reminded me of michael hutchence's hair. But then later I was cutting it and trimming his hair and I said, "I'm surprised you trust me enough to do this."

Other dreams all had to do with this guy who had been the boy but was now a healthy adult and us coming together into union. 

Art by Helena Nelson-Reed

February 2, 2021 

Something I was hearing today is, "If two people both want the same thing and are imagining it, it will make it happen faster." I considered maybe he has been imagining it but I haven't and I'm the reason there has been a delay because I refuse to see it and imagine it. 

I've tried cutting energetic ties using every means possible and still I dream of him, night after night. Maybe the only thing left to do is actually imagine us being together and allow him fully inside and just surrender to the love I still feel.