Dream Journal Entry, Pieces and Parts of Self

Dream Journal Entry: July 6, 2019
I heard myself say, "I never played rich." Which I assume means I didn't pretend to be rich when I was a child. I played school, house, witch, singer, disco, missionary, Snow White talking to forest animals, lost in the wilderness, but never rich and elite.

In dreams when I have been handed a lot of money, I didn't like the responsibility. I have wanted to be comfortable, sure. I grew up poor and am still poor. I abhor greed, but I do want to be comfortable and be able to have my needs met easily.

I also dreamed last night that we each have 4 major parts of ourselves we are trying to bring back together. Think the apocalypse of the four horsemen. Basically what that means is that there will be 4 major people you encounter that will help awaken you to who you are and have been. We earn our parts back from these people. It is impossible not to end up with a version of our partner which has been the carrot dangled in front of us to get us to move in the direction of growth and self awareness. The one you end up with is highly dependent on where you are personally on your journey. The goal is to end up with the most evolved version... meaning the one who has reclaimed more of their parts.

I get bus references and never completely understood them. I would see bus numbers. I think the numbers indicate how complete we are internally. So, when I was seeing bus 60, I still needed to gather 40 percent of myself. This year I am seeing bus 80, which means I still have 20 percent to go but who the fuck knows what the next lessons might be that will help me earn those parts of me back. It is probably about money and sex/physical intimacy since those are two things absent in my life.

Dreams and Connecting the Dots

The Wedding Register, 1920, by Edmund Blair Leighton

Dream Journal Entry: June 2, 1996 

I had dreams about Brandon last night. I remember dating him and then fearing I was going to lose him because he was going to go ahead with his planned marriage. But then I felt a sense of confidence about the situation. I knew if I didn't protest his marriage, he would realize his true love for me and come back to me.

Dream Journal Entry: May 28, 2015 
There was a big spider and I think it was Kerry (former employer dad) was trying to kill it along with others from his family because the spider freaks them out. I yelled at them not to do that and offered to collect the spider and take it outside. It was one of those hairy spiders where you can see lots of eyes. I took the spider only now it was the shape of a puppy but was still a spider. I thought it very odd. I ended up in some laundromat that was part of the apartment building. Some of the washers had clothes in them. It felt cold in here and I hoped the spider/dog would be okay. I walked around the room and found one spot where it actually felt warm and thought this was the spot I would let him down. I uncovered him from the blanket I was holding and told him this was his new home. I told him that I was sorry the others tried to kill him but that they had a lot of fear of what they don't understand. The spider-dog started talking back to me, I think. I can't remember what he said. I asked him how it was he came to be this way...looking like a dog but being a spider. I think he was reluctant to answer. I was petting him and somehow ended up stroking his penis too. I sat there stroking his fur and his penis and just chatting to him. The next thing I know, it is in my mouth and when I went to pull it out, it was more like a really long tentacle that went deep inside me (deep connection). I wasn't bothered by this, just was fascinated and actually remember hoping my stomach acids didn't hurt him. I remember adjusting a thermostat so that it was set to 70F. 

I think the dream jumped and I am hearing something about clothes....formal clothes. Something about someone having paid $7000 dollars for undergarments for a wedding, only now the wedding wasn't happening and they were annoyed. I look down and it feels like i am wearing men's formal wear clothing. I don't remember much else about that.

Night before last I dreamed of replanting a peach tree and when I did it grew a lot (sweet and delicious investment). Orange is about relationships and replanting the tree suggests the relationship can't grow in one location but by moving, the relationship flourishes.

Dream Journal Entry: February 2, 2019
People were mad at me because I had fucked up some wedding. I am not sure how I had fucked it up. The bride was furious. She was one of those people who love a lot of excess and she had set up all of this unnecessary stuff and steps for the wedding. Like there was some weird scene of acting something out and changing clothes almost like a fashion show. Somehow I fucked it all up and her entire family were angry at me and I was trying to get away because some of them were so pissed that now they were trying to shoot at me.

Then later I am someplace with an ex friend only she wasn't ex in the dream. We see this guy who is famous for his story. Apparently he had gotten into a horrible accident and survived it. He had written about his experience and the book had become really popular and everyone seemed to know who he was. But it seemed like he wasn't actually wealthy and seemed really unhappy. He looked almost like a homeless man. He had lost the use of his legs in the accident.

Beth kept telling me to ask him specific questions. I said no, that if she wanted to know, she should ask the questions herself. I think I made a move to leave and walked by him and through the door...only I am struggling to get through the door and I fell down. The guy is coming outside too and we meet. I apologized for being in the way of the door. He was saying that he was trying to get to his equipment to try to take some shots but he didn't think he would be able to make it over in time to capture the specific lighting.

Now, at this point I already feel very attracted to him. It was overwhelming and instantaneous but I tried to not reveal it because I had only just met him. I offered to help him to where his camera equipment was set up and he agrees to the help offered. I asked Beth to help me. She gets on one side and I get on the other and we walk him over. He takes the shots and wants to go somewhere else. Beth is now gone. I have no idea where she has gone but I get behind him and hold him and together we are moving forward. It is like he is using my legs. I feel concerned if I will be able to keep my balance while holding him and allowing him to use my legs. He takes a step and I see I am wearing high heels and he has stepped into a bit of mud and I warn him. We ended up falling over but we laughed about it because we were together and it was clear we both liked each other.

He then revealed that he feels extremely aroused by me and it was something he hadn't experienced since the accident. He said that if he had a dick it would be hard but all he had were balls now. I told him that I felt the same way, highly aroused, since I had been near him. It was an instantaneous attraction... something neither of us had experienced before. I think I called him Matt, funny enough. The name Matthew means, "gift of YAHWEH". 

He was entirely bald as a result of his injuries. I made it clear that his lack of penis didn't matter to me and that I didn't want to part from him. We both seemed happier as a result of meeting. There was something about possibly needing to cut some part of him off and I said that shouldn't be necessary since they can make all kinds of tools to help people with injuries now. I knew I didn't want to part from him ever. I think I woke about there.

Dream Journal Entry: July 5, 2019
i dreamed about K and A. A was pretending to be pregnant and apparently had asked K to marry her. I remember spending time with the kids. I remember traveling around Michigan and talking about whether or not I would go on to Vegas after that. It feels like the adult son and I are somewhat intimate with each other and I mentioned something about having helped raise him but he wasn't my own child. I also remember something about K being really penny pinching and stingy and separating out a bill at a restaurant to make sure the other person paid their portion. 

I remember going to an airport. My mom is with me and dropping me off. I was supposed to meet some Eastern Indian people somewhere. They were expecting me but then I suddenly realized I had forgotten to pack and bring anything with me for the trip. I stopped and said to mom, "I can't go because I forgot to pack." I wondered if they would let me use my ticket for a later date and just pay a little extra. Mom didn't think so. I was concerned about letting the people know I wouldn't be there who were waiting for me to arrive,

Oh yeah, I heard a song but I didn't recognize it. It feels like I heard, "I stayed for Jesus" but the vocals sounded familiar...like the Kings of Leon but I couldn't find a song of theirs with that lyric.

I also remember pink roses in an overfill drain in a tub that Inara had put in. I tried to pull some of them out. They weren't real roses. They were fake and some of them came apart as I pulled them out. Some were lost down the drain and I hoped they wouldn't clog the drain.

I also remember something about showing up at someone's house Inara was staying at in the middle of the night. I was holding Mahina when I arrived at the door and Inara's little friend opened the door. I hoped I hadn't scared her.

Our Personal Stories and Manifesting

The Preparation

I have known I need to compose this blog post for a while as the subject has come up a few times recently while talking to friends. I kept thinking, "This advice is for me too. How do I pull this all together?"

Usually when I compose a blog post it is because it has to come out and often it simply flows, but I wasn't sure how to start and what to say. Then I fell into a low mood and couldn't be bothered to even try. Lately, I have felt so tired in the afternoon for no real reason and coffee doesn't help, so I give in and simply lay down for a nap.

Photo by Dennis Ziliotto 

Funny enough, my phone has been randomly powering off even when I have 40% battery left. I considered that the phone shutting off seems to echo what I am feeling...just suddenly powering off. My phone is where I do everything. I write everything from my phone. Is it ideal? Not at all, but you do what you have to do and make do with what you have in the moment. I'm grateful to be able to express myself at all and put it out there. I have felt panic and concern because I don't want to feel more cut off and isolated than I already do.

The other part of trying to write this blog post is that it's about manifesting the life you want to experience and I haven't yet started to manifest that life. How can I give advice about manifesting the life you want when I am not even there yet myself?

The fact is, this blog is titled "Musings From My Journey" so I think it also stands to reason that I will be telling all of you what steps I am using to manifest the life I want. I'm still trying to figure shit out and talking about it all.

The Meat

We all have stories of us that are unfolding. There are the parts that have already been read and performed and the parts we are at currently and the parts we have yet to act out and experience.

More often than not we go through life unconsciously writing our stories. Our stories are something that happen TO us and we are just a character in the book who is at the mercy of those writing it for us.

When we awaken and become conscious creators, we can take back the pens for our own stories and choose to start writing the stories we want to experience rather than be passive players. We take back our power and become writer, director, and star of our own production. We take full responsibility of our stories and the creation of what is to come.

In order to have a different life, the one we so desperately want to experience, we have to write the script with our thoughts and beliefs. We can't say things like, "I truly hope it will happen." Instead, we have to change our thoughts and beliefs to knowing it has already happened, but we simply haven't gotten to that part of the story yet. There are pages we are reading leading up to it for dramatic effect.

To say we "hope" leaves room for the possibility of it not manifesting, but to "know" it already has happened is to say it already exists. It doesn't leave room for there to be a coin toss and it going either way. To know is to solidify the intention in our mind as part of our story already.

We have to believe in the possibility in order for the possibility to exist, but we have to know it already exists if we want to consciously write our own story.

Obviously, our story we are writing can't infringe upon someone else's free will, so writing things in like a new career we love, security, happiness, love, etc. would likely be best. Leave it open for the universe to work magic while also being specific.

But then there is the whole "letting go" aspect of our stories that needs to take place before the new aspects come to us. We have to be willing to let go of the old...old relationships, old jobs, old friends, etc. in order to make space for what we are writing in.  We have to be open to the way what we are writing in manifests and be willing to shake up our lives for it. We can't put all kinds of conditions on how it manifests. We have to stay open and say "yes" when those opportunities present, not "yes, but..."

Photo by Christer Strömholm

This is all advice for me as well because I do wish to manifest a different life of abundance, love and happiness.

I try to remind myself, "This is already written in my story. I know it already exists because I have seen it."

I have dreamed it all! It isn't in order. It is out of sequence, but I know it already exists because of my dreams.  My dreams knew I wanted access to a pool as my means of getting fit before I ever was aware of it. My future self had already written it and sent it to my former self.

In this now moment, the life I desire with all of my heart already exists, I simply have to turn the page and keep reading until I get there.

Art by Bethaleil at DeviantArt

Dream Journal Excerpt: May 17, 2017 "Marina, you are going to be a star all on your own." Heard this just now. At the tail end was a couple coming together. People had tried to keep them apart but they finally made their way back to each other. He was attractive, a little older, like maybe later 30s early 40s but wasn't gray. He had beautiful brown skin and straight with some wave black hair. He had facial hair as well. He kissed the woman passionately in front of everyone. I have this knowing they are both well known. People are still trying to hold her back from him to some degree but she refuses to be taken from him. They kiss very passionately. It feels almost like they are soap opera characters. It feels like they have been with other people but are finally coming together as a couple.

It is possible for us to come together with others and opt to co-write our stories, but that requires developing our communication skills. We need to be able to communicate effectively and often when merging our stories so that we know we are on the same page. Whether or not your stories stay merged is entirely up to us.

Can you see the story you want to experience in your imagination?

Is your future self showing you the life you are going to experience through dreams and visions?

What does it look like?

Photo by Emily Ch.

Clearing Space for New People, Homeschooling



Keanu Reeves (because I couldn't find a picture of Paul McCartney with full makeup)

Dream Journal Entry: June 29, 2019 Last night I dreamed about being in a house. There is a room I am inside and I was thinking I could make this room my own. I am seeing an older woman used to live here but now she has moved out to another space, yet her things are still here. The closet was full and it looks as though someone still lives here even though I know they don't. I decided I could maybe hang out there occasionally but I couldn't make it my own because of all of the other person's stuff.  

I remember someone playing some music. It was late 80s alternative and I started dancing to it. I was talking about how this is what I used to dance to when I would go out to the clubs. I look to the left and see a big pile of cassette tapes and grinned at the nostalgia of it all. I talked about how I remember how important my tape collection had been to me but I had thrown all of mine away a few years ago.  

For some reason I am seeing a young Paul McCartney. His hair is longer and he is wearing makeup and false eyelashes. I think he looks beautiful and I liked his look. I started thinking about how many of the people Inara likes to watch on YouTube are boys who are comfortable wearing makeup. I mentioned how we had our share of men in the 70s who were comfortable having more feminine looks and I considered that most of the celebrities I had crushes on back then could be considered more feminine, people like Shaun Cassidy, Andy Gibb and Leif Garrett.  

Steven Tyler

There were a few of us in a car...all females. We ended up driving somewhere. I think we are driving through town. We stopped and picked some extra girls and were trying to make room for them. Meghan got out of the car to make sure it was okay if the girls joined us, but then the driver started leaving without her. I was in the back seat with the young girls and was telling the driver that we would need to go back and pick up Meghan. I know there was more but I waited too long to write the dream down and can't remember now. 

Shaun Cassidy

Interpretation of the dream: 

This dream seems to be clearly illustrating how people can move out of our lives but have left an accumulation of stuff inside of us.

I want to move into the space, but there is no room for me to have permanent lodging there. Since it was mentioned I had already gone through a clearing of old things, the dream is showing me how someone who wants me to move in needs to do their own internal clearing to make room for me to stay there instead of just being a visitor.

The older woman's belongings might suggest it is baggage dealing with a mother or mother figure. Regardless of who it is connected to, the same thing needs to happen. The old needs to be discarded to make room for something new.

The scene with the car echos the idea of there not being any room for additional people and someone ends up getting left behind who is actually needed for the journey. It will be necessary to go back for her.

Whose belongings are you still carrying around with you internally that you need to let go of? An ex girlfriend or best friend? Is it the baggage from childhood and parents?

How will anyone who is meant for your highest good be able to move into your life if you haven't cleared out the space internally for them?

Andy Gibb

Inner dialogue triggered by the dream: 

Recently we went to see a sneak peek of the movie 'Yesterday', so it isn't really that surprising that Paul McCartney's likeness showed up in a dream. What was unusual was him being dressed in full makeup that we used to think was reserved for women.

One of the reasons why I love homeschooling my daughter is that I know my own influence will hold the most weight and stay with her through life. Her peers and teachers aren't the ones influencing her ideas and opinions. I am.

I have worked hard to help her develop compassion through teaching empathy. On a daily basis I help her navigate her relationships by asking her to consider how she might feel in the same situation if roles were reversed. I have worked hard to help her be inclusive of those who society often shuns and ostracizes. I teach her that those who are difficult and act out are usually the ones who actually need more of our love and understanding. Excommunicating people actually continues to damage already damaged people.

"Imagine how you would feel," I say to her frequently.

I teach her about gender variations and that love is love and it doesn't matter what gender a person is if we love them and we both want to be together. I explain that makeup doesn't have to be for only girls. Clothes are clothes and anyone who wants to wear a skirt, dress, etc should be allowed to do so comfortably.

Leif Garrett

I also explained the differences in body types because of biological anatomy. We simply have different needs but that there should be clothing options cut for all different body types and not based on gender. Do you have a penis and testicles? Well these pants over here might work better than those that were cut for people without them. There is a spacing issue to consider.

I teach my daughter to strive to be the highest version of herself she can be and no school or teacher with 30 students is going to give her THAT education.

If the children are our future, I take my job very seriously and want to help her be loving, compassionate, empathic, open, accepting and someone who steps in to take action to help when it is needed. 

Choosing to Stay and Continue My Role

Art by mou-s

I made an important decision recently.

I posted something on Instagram for someone on June 21, 2019:

All is not lost, my love.
You can still save me.
You can still save the beast from certain death.
Did the knowledge of my illness send you into a tail spin?
Did it trigger old wounds?
Did you catch air and start to lose control of your vehicle?
In the Neverending Story the Princess was dying but the solution was easier than anyone imagined.
The same is true for our story.
All you have to do is choose me and tell me you want me to stay.
I will stay for you. 

I posted other things after, but I went into a little bit of a rage because of the continued silence I am still getting from the person I wrote it for. I thought, "Fuck this shit, I just want out!! I don't want to be here! Give me death right the fuck now! This reality sucks ass!" I felt like a caged animal pacing back and forth.

Everyone, including myself, keep saying that our thoughts create our reality and that is true to a degree. Intention IS everything, but sometimes our desires and intentions are stalled if it isn't actually for the highest good. Since I have started this journey, I have thought so many times, "Please let me die." But I have also been shown that if I take my own life, I will have to wait for the rest of my team before I can move on. So I simply have tried to intend my death and maybe help it a long by not really taking care of the vehicle I am in.

Art by Andy Ivanov

Recently it has felt like I was making progress as my body is starting to have serious issues and I thought, "Finally I can wake up and go home."

Except it isn't that simple.

In my writing I said my soul partner needs to choose me and then I will make an effort to stay. In my Vedic astrology chart, my longevity house is blank which speaks to me that I get to choose when I leave.

You have to understand, I didn't step into the game for me. I didn't step in for "happily ever after" even though that is part of the game. I stepped inside to help someone else who needs assistance. I always see it in dreams as a younger boy who I agree to help.

Angry Aggie from the Laika movie ParaNorman

This being, like Agatha in Laika's ParaNorman, had grown pretty pissed off and become destructive while stuck inside the game. Most people would refer to him as Satan, Lucifer, Death or the Devil. And really, he is just an actor who takes the shittiest roles to perform.

The thing is, in reality, this being is part of a larger being.

On one side he is God of all things light and airy and on the other he is God of the Underworld and all things dark and ominous. But it is time for the two sides to come back together now and I have been assisting as the bridge.

In my desire to be done with this game, I forgot the reason I am here in the first place. It was a recent dream my thoughts went back to in my rage of wanting to leave that helped me stop in my tracks. I shared the dream on social media and I will share it here as well:

Dream Journal Entry: June 13, 2019 I was telling someone just now in a dream, "It's me, I'm the Lion. I'm the one who is terminal. I could have days left or maybe a year or two. I'm just supposed to keep doing God's work while I am here." 

I was saying this to Jan who was at an alter that was being prepared for a woman to lay at for some ritual. There was a small waterfall configuration and cut logs with lit candles. There was some mixture that had been put together for her to lay on that looked like a red paste. There was also a green wreath to place on her head waiting for her arrival. 

Jan and I used to be friends but parted ways in real life. In the dream she seemed dubious about what I was saying, or maybe it was more annoyed that I wasn't having to do what everyone else was doing because of doing "God's" work. When I said God, I actually made air quotation marks. 

In earlier dreams there was a scene with my father and he was driving a truck with all of us in it. We came up over a hill and caught air and the landing bounced the truck making the truck start to lose control. But somehow he managed to hold on and brought the truck back into control and no one was injured. I complimented him on how well he handled that. 

Later there was a scene and i was calling for my mom because I was losing mobility in my extremities. I was showing her the difficulty I was having in my hands and how they would get stuck. Mom was concerned because it didn't look good for me. 

There was something about someone who had served time in jail with my dad. I think he liked me or maybe it was that I liked him. I can't remember well. He came back briefly for a scene but I can't remember what took place.  

Then there is a boy. I recognize him as Joshua. In reality, he is my friend's, Dan, 6 year old son, but in the dream, I referred to him as Keanu's son. Both men happen to be part Hawaiian. Apparently I had only recently met him but he didn't want to have anything to do with anyone but me. There was something about him taking some small gold hoop earrings out and putting in different ones. He handed the gold hoops to me to hold. There was something about what Keanu had left with us that we needed to make sure was used and replenished. It feels like moss and bark but I am not sure how it was used.  

Joshua is telling me about how Max, the ex con friend, had recently gotten shot in the butt. I laughed and told him I hadn't heard that but he went quiet when others were near as if no one else was supposed to know about it. Joshua was getting ready for school in a uniform. Normally he has long dark hair but for a minute it looked like he had cut his hair. As it turned out, it was just brushed in a way that made it appear to be short.  

The next scene was the ritual scene with Jan. 

 I was going to ask my friend, Dan, what his son's middle name is because sometimes the meaning can be found in the middle name. Funny enough, he had just posted a picture of his young son hugging a giant redwood and had used his full name. The image had powerful symbolism to me as I have gotten in dreams that I am helping a giant.

Art by Liella Art

Joshua Thomas translates to "To save the twin".

This blew me away.

It was in those moments of rage and wanting desperately to exit the flesh prison that I saw Joshua's face and stopped my storm abruptly.

This kid has been reborn inside of my partner and I can't just take off now when we are so near to completing the task of helping him remember who he really is and bringing the parallel worlds back together as one and into harmony.

Reality will change as we know it when that happens.

Seriously.

This is huge!

Yes, I still want to go home but I can't abandon this kid who is counting on me. We are so close to ending war and chaos.

Art by mou-s

And so I officially choose to stay for the highest good of all...but mostly for that kid I have seen when I have dreamed from inside my partner.

You might be thinking, "But what about your fucked up ride? How are you going to stay if your car doesn't want to stay running?"

I have simply called upon my fairy godmother to help me. Maybe you call them "God" or "angels" but basically they are an aspect of the game...a tool. You can open your tool chest and give them full permission to act on your behalf to make shit happen for the highest good. The catch is, you actually have to BELIEVE they are taking action without knowing exactly how or when it will all fall into place. You won't get help from them if you don't ask for it. You won't get help if you ask but then don't believe it will happen. Not believing basically cancels your request.

You have to BELIEVE in magic before magic can happen around you.

Art by Ellectrolusion

Signs and Syncs in Movies, Toy Story 4, Lego Movie 2

When I was in my early twenties, I remember being with friends while they watched cartoons and laughed hysterically. I sat there with them completely unmoved by what I was seeing and thinking, "What is wrong with me that I don't find this amusing?" I also did not cry during sad moments in movies. It seemed that the only two emotions I could access easily were fear and anger. I was numb to all other emotions.

Yesterday, we went to see a sneak peak of Toy Story 4. Just prior to this, we watched The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part and I was struck by the profound messages and synchronicity I found in both. They seemed to be telling part of my tale in animated form.

SPOILER ALERT!

Don't read further if you plan to see Toy Story 4 and don't want to know any of the details of the movie yet.

Gabby Gabby and her ventriloquist dummy goons seemed pretty scary. She had an objective and that was to take what she wanted from Woody. Her desire was to finally know what it was like to have a kid that was her very own. Sadly, the one she thought was perfect for her ended up rejecting her. She thought all was lost and hopeless, but Woody, despite what he had given up to Gabby Gabby to help his own kid, felt compassion for her and wanted to help her experience life with a kid. On the way to taking her with him to try to get back to his own kid, they encounter a little lost girl. She was scared and crying. A decision is made that Gabby Gabby would try to comfort this child and maybe fulfill her chance of having her very own kid.

It was at the point where the little lost girl discovers Gabby Gabby that I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. In that moment, I connected with the characters on the screen and felt empathy. I have dreamed many times about having a sense of being lost...the kind where you are separated from your parents as a child. Connecting with someone who brings you a sense of "everything is going to be okay" and comfort is priceless.

It was in that moment of empathy and emotion that I recognized how far I have come on my journey. No longer am I the numb person in the room unable to laugh or cry with the characters on the screen. Being able to connect with animated characters is very symbolic of the reconnection I have made with my own set of inner children.

I can feel again.

I can laugh again.

There were signs and syncs before the movie ever started. We took Inara and her best friend to McDonald's. We never eat there, so it was a pretty rare event and I sat there having déjà vu due to a dream I just had recently where I saw a McDonald's. I searched my dreams but could only find an old one from 2014. When I searched my conversation with my friend, I found the bit where I talked about what I saw.  Apparently it was included in a nightmare that I didn't want to write down because it was so upsetting. But the old dream from 2014 was fascinating and felt relevant.

Dream Journal Entry: October 22, 2014 Yesterday, I had a dream that I meant to write down but I forgot. There were lots of dreams but the bits I remember were these. It seems like I was at an event of some sort...not sure what kind of event. There were lots of people. I ended up going somewhere for lunch...i think it was McDonalds which is weird because I never eat there. I bought lunch for some other people. I had chips and some of the others wanted some of my chips. I was reluctant at first and then was like "whatever" and just gave away my chips thinking I could just go buy some fries and asked if anyone wanted any. 

Then I remember a scene where I was talking to some people. There was an overweight girl talking about some guy, I think. I took her hand and I told her how beautiful she was and then I started talking about what I believe and how we are not our bodies...that our bodies are vehicles. I said something like, "When you take away the body, what we are is a fucking ball of light and we are BEAUTIFUL....all of us!" They seemed pretty happy and enthusiastic about what I was saying and I was surprised they were so receptive to what I was saying.  

There was something about some guy who did all kinds of work and helping put things together but he never asked for anything or asked for recognition. There was something about some dude taking like 80% of the profit/pay and the employees were really unhappy who worked with him...while the other guy worked away without much notice. I don't know who he was or what meaning he had in the dream.

Later, I simply remember seeing this amazing ceiling. It was mostly white and glittery. It sparkled, but had a kind of an Asian looking pattern...like cherry blossoms or something. I took photos of the ceiling and what was revealed is that there were some amazing sculptures on the ceiling. I took more photos, but because of the angle, figured I would have to turn the photos upside down to be able to see them properly. Later, I was taking pictures of a house I thought was cool and it too had an Asian feel to it. I only wanted to get the house in the photo because I liked the way it looked.

My daughter and her friend both got Sour Punch Straws and, once again, I had déjà vu due to a dream I just had where green Sour Punch Straws were seen. Green is the color of the outer heart chakra and the sweet and sour mix seems to suggest balance.

I tend to see these clusters of signs and syncs rather like mile markers or exclamation points to tell you to pay attention because something important is about to happen in your story. The last time I had a large cluster of signs and syncs, they told me I would be having Christmas in July. On July 25th of last year, I would end up talking to someone very special to me for the first time.

Woody spent so much time trying to help his kid, Bonnie, but there came a time and place where it seemed he had fulfilled his purpose with her. At one point, he had to make an important decision between freedom and love or staying with a job he loved and had given all of his life to.

SPOILER ALERT!

He chooses freedom and love.

In the end, Woody is still able to do what he loves with the person he loves...just in a different way and on his own terms.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part also contained some important messages for me and parallels with my own story I have been playing out.

Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi took many forms. Like Gabby Gabby, at first glance, she seems kind of menacing and scary. She is able to change her form to seem more ominous, but she was only trying to be more relatable to those on the dark brooding side. In her true form, Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi is pure love. She is Heart... literally...and not really scary at all. Her objective was to find someone from the dark brooding side to marry her so they could join their two worlds together.

I have had dreams that describe this very scenario for my own story.

Dream Journal Entry: May 11, 2018 Last night I kept hearing the word "Benzo" and "Benzo car" while I dreamed different things. I heard something about the parallel universes being brought back together. 

Dream Journal Excerpt: September 4, 2018 I had some intense dreams last night. The first dreams I only remember repeatedly seeing two energies coming together and kept hearing Loa and Loa. I remembered that this is a term in voodoo for their Gods. I saw one energy as very dark and one very light. One was blue and white an the other blackness. I heard something about heaven and Earth coming together to create something new.

The thing is, all of the "dark" ones used to be part of the light world, only they had forgotten. Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi and General Mayhem were trying to help them remember. There is a place for darkness. Darkness can be beautiful and transforming, but it doesn't have to be lower mind. Darkness can be Higher Mind and beneficial. There is a place on the throne beside Light for Darkness and by bringing these two together into love and balance, two worlds are united to create something new.

This is the very same story that is taking place right here, right now.

Rex is a bitter shadow version of the usually sweet and cheerful Emmet. He serves to show we are capable of dark destructive deeds when we choose a path of lower mind. But, ultimately, Rex, the dark twin disappeared and integrated into his lighter self which brought peace and harmony to both worlds.

I don't feel like "fighting" the darkness and trying to kill it off is actually helpful. I think choosing to try to understand it, help it make better choices and forgive it for all of the past dark deeds is necessary for integration. I think our shadow selves simply need more love and understanding to help them remember they were once part of the Light world too and can be part of it once again without actually disappearing completely.

This is the age old story of archangel  Michael battling Lucifer. They have to lay down their weapons and use effective communication as the tool that helps bring them back together as one being.

What both of these movies have in common is the element of people rising up and meeting their full potential for the greater good of all. Duke Caboom finally hit his mark and achieved a stunt that saves the day. For Gabby Gabby it was to finally realize her life's purpose. For Woody it was to realize it was okay to change and choose a new path when it seemed like he was nearing the end of one journey. Instead of clinging to his job with Bonnie, he let go and chose love and, in doing so, he found a new purpose being of service helping other toys realize their purpose. Emmet found a new strength when integrating his shadow self. The Light and Dark world found community and love when coming together in harmony and appreciating what both sides offered in their uniqueness. And Queen Wateva Wa'Nabi was finally able to take her true form openly. She was able to be her authentic self...pure love.

What movies are giving you messages about your own story?

Are profound messages making their way to you through unlikely places?

Porn Addiction, Soul Connections, and Forgiveness

Piergiorgio Branzi, Napoli, 1953

In my effort to see the good and potential in people, I sometimes forget about the darkness that lurks in the shadows.

I listened to a tarot reading recently and it triggered memories of a recurring theme in my dreams. All it took was the mention of "addiction" combined with the word "porn". 

I started piecing together various dreams along with signs and syncs I had gotten. A picture emerged of someone I am connected to on a soul level having a pretty fucked up porn addiction. It is the reason for the big hold up in moving forward with the mission we are supposed to work on together as a team.

There will be people who say you don't need anyone to move forward with your mission, but I am here to tell you that is lemonade made out of bullshit and no matter how much you stir it and add sugar, it still is false bullshit that you probably shouldn't drink. We are in a virtual reality playing a game. As with many video games, there are sections set up where the task can only be completed as a team with two or more players. Maybe you all have to step on buttons to open a door or one pulls a lever that lifts the other up. That is where I am at in my game. I have to work with my partner to complete and he is neck deep in a fucked up porn addiction, too scared to move forward with me.

What he didn't count on was taking me along by dragging me behind his horse through mud, rocks, brambles and shit. His internal shit affects my dreams. When he gets turned on by violent sex, I see it in my dreams and often wake up referring to them as nightmares. I usually start my journal with "I had a very disturbing dream". In fact, I often don't write many of those dreams down because I don't want to remember. I just had a recent one where I was trapped on an island and I was a young girl being sex trafficked. I was being sold as a virgin for the pleasure of some guy. The dream was so upsetting...me trying to get away from this place.

Art by Natasa Ilincic

I have tried hard to put my swords away. I have tried to grow and soften and calm my inner Kali Ma who cuts heads off and asks questions later, but I felt her rise and I wanted to slash. I raged about it for a little while but then asked myself, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

Fuck.

Dear Soul Partner,

How can I help you? How can I help love this shadow that haunts my dreams and keeps you from real intimacy and connection? How can I love this darkness inside you that I abhor and feel disgusted and repulsed by? How can I help you so that we can both move forward?

I stood in my kitchen and thought, "I have to love this part of him and help him understand the symbolism so he can let it go and love himself too."

Ask yourself what it is you are lacking and trying to integrate into self through inappropriate means. What are you reenacting from past lives? 

People who rape don't rape because of the sex. They rape for the sense of control, the same reason that people become anorexic and bulimic. It is about having a sense of control over your own life in some small form. Maybe watching the violence against another person in a sex act gets you off in a way nothing else can. Perhaps it is because you keep your emotions so bottled up and hidden that it comes out as being turned on by an inappropriate violent sexual expression.

"Take that, motherfucker!" 

Sex with children is an inappropriate outer act of desiring a relationship with your own inner child.

Maybe the first steps in healing is deciding to have a better relationship with self. 

Know thy self. 

Become authentic in all that you do and honor yourself by expressing your feelings in a constructive way regularly. Be willing to risk displeasing someone in order to be true and honest to yourself. You will feel so much better when you do. Find your voice that you traded in order to keep the peace and keep your career on track. Trust that you can speak your truth and everything can still be okay...even when it seems to fall apart.

Make no mistake, many people will fall away from you on the journey back to self, but they are only people that NEED to fall away. Allow them to fall away as you come into embodying who you were always meant to be.

As you grow, expand and speak out your real feelings, you will find the addictions and compulsions will gradually dissipate. They are the bags you will forget and leave behind in the airport because you no longer need to compensate to get some sort of release from what builds up inside you from what you don't express in the moment. 

I felt my anger and let it pass through me. I didn't hold onto it. In doing so, I came out to a place of wanting to understand and help you. I came to a place of wanting to take your hand and love you through it all until you love the person inside as much as I do. 

I see you.

I see your potential. I know your pain and burden that weighs you down because I feel it too. You don't have to do it all alone, my love. Make a choice to let me all the way in. Pick up the phone and call me. Let me be part of your life fully and openly.

I love all of you, not just the parts that are easy to love. It is our shadows that need our love and understanding the most.

I love you completely and unconditionally.

I lava you. 💜

Dreams: Intimacy with River Phoenix

Sexual Content Warning!

Attribution Unknown

If you are uncomfortable with somewhat explicit sexual content, please skip this blog post.

If you want to learn more about the symbolism of sex in dreams, please read on.

Dream Journal Entry: May 6, 2019

I dreamed of River Phoenix all night.

Photo of River Phoenix and Sue Solgot by Bruce Weber

In the first dreams, it was like I had missed connecting with him and he left all of these clues behind for me to find. There was something about his father not being his biological father and him not knowing who his bio dad was. I remember seeing an effort to try to match features up with who his dad might have been. There was a bit about traveling on snow skis and I hoped I didn't need to do that too as I have never snow skied. It was more like cross country skiing because it doesn't seem like there is a slope.

I heard/felt something about how River could be found where the brown sleeping bag was, so I had to find that. It feels kind of like this is a funny pun. It feels like this is a reference to someone sleeping a lot. I think I had found the sleeping bag just before I started to rouse and think about what I had just seen and then I drifted back into a dream.

Photo of River Phoenix by Gus Van Sant

River is suddenly with me and we are together and talking. It feels like we are traveling on a bus and are going to Detroit but I don't know why. I apologized, saying I don't know why we didn't just take my black car (in real life I no longer have that car) because now we would have to walk part of the way there. Something is said about his friend. I'm the one who said it.  I think this it is referencing Keanu but I can't remember what is said. It feels like we are getting to know each other. 

Photo of Keanu Reeves by Gus Van Sant

I can't even say how it occurred,  but we come together intimately and I have some sense that this is his first time to have sex. I'm not sure why. In real life, he wasn't a virgin. After intercourse, I now have his penis in my mouth. He isn't circumcised and he is enjoying this sensation of my mouth. I pause because I suddenly realized we were out in the open with people all around and that he was a spirit. I asked him if others could see this happening. He said that they couldn't see him, that they could only see me. I laughed and felt a little embarrassed, but covered my eyes with my hand and continued until he came. Next he said he was going to get something for his bottom. He grabbed some tea bags, a block of orange Tillamook cheese in red packaging and a small knife. He said he needed blood for this mix and proceeded to cut the skin on his right wrist. I have no idea how those items were going to be used. I started to wake up there

As I laid processing what I had seen, I saw a flash of a giant Lego corpse flower coming together piece by piece. I also vaguely recall seeing an orange and a jar with something in it but I can't remember what.

Amorphophallus Titanum is endemic to Western Sumatra

Photo Credit: US Botanic Garden

 Selected Symbolism:

I'm going to focus mostly on the sex parts of this dream because I think it is where many people can get derailed if they are uncomfortable with sex topics or think it is all about the pleasure of the act. Both scenarios will cause you to miss important messages.

The act of sexual intimacy is easily about energetic connection where there is a flow and exchange. When I come together with people in dreams sexually, I often see it as an integration of parts of myself.

Today I want to get more detailed about individual sex acts.

If we look at where the masculine and feminine are making the connection, it will give us a message.

When I connected with River through intercourse, this was connection at the Sacral chakra level. The color of the Sacral Chakra is orange which was seen twice within the dream. When I see orange, I automatically think, "This is about relationships." It is meeting and coming together at the same level. The masculine was a virgin which could suggest he has never truly connected with anyone until then on a deep and meaningful level.

When it was oral sex, the feminine Throat Chakra was connected to the masculine Sacral Chakra. It was showing an oral/verbal relationship that was very pleasing to the masculine.

The foreskin being present and noticed could suggest that the most sensitive parts of the masculine have remained protected and hidden until the right stimulation is provided.

Lovanet Lake in Stryn, Norway - Attribution Unknown

Water can represent emotions or sex. More often than not, I simply interpret it as emotions, which also could mean I am losing part of the meaning by rarely considering it to represent sex.

Semen is a fluid, so water makes up part of it, but it is thicker and contains something living and active within it, which makes it a super powerful symbol. Taking this living fluid into the feminine orally could represent fertilizing an oral egg. Meaning the masculine inspired some sort of speech or verbal expression. And the consistency of the semen being thicker speaks to me of the ability for it to linger and stick around, therefore, the verbal expression is likely to have more substance as well.

The mention of the bottom (anus) is about the Root Chakra which can also represent carnal desires, but I tend to think of it being more about matters of survival. The Root Chakra color is red, which shows up in the wrapper of the cheese. The cheese was orange, which speaks of relationships. So the Root and Sacral were seen together. To me, this speaks of a relationship being beneficial and able to feed our needs of survival. The block of cheese was large, which makes me think, "the big cheese" and could mean the person I have a relationship with is seen as a pretty big deal to people. There are all kinds of relationships and one that involves the Root Chakra might well be a business relationship, someone who provides a job or something similar.

It is important to note that the black tea I normally have at home is in a red box and this is what I saw even though I didn't mention that detail when recording the dream. Tea is something that needs to steep...but personally, I find it pretty boring as a drink, so this speaks of some part of the process being somewhat boring.

The cutting of the right wrist speaks to me of how writers (right/write) and many different types of artists speak about opening up a vein and bleeding for their creations. This means we take what is twisted up inside and bring it out to reveal it through our form of art. Right represents "right now" and masculine. It represents outgoing and giving. Blood is red and repeats the Root Chakra theme.

The Lego Corpse flower was GIANT and was coming together. This speaks to me of what is coming together and being built through a partnership will be HUGE... maybe only in my own life, but the size seems to suggest its importance.

Because I was aware that the masculine was actually a spirit, the corpse flower name seems to repeat the theme of something having been dead but coming back to bloom. Corpse flowers can take up to 7-10 years to bloom the first time and then some bloom again every 2-3 years. This means that putting this project together is taking a long time so patience and diligence is required.

What are your sex dreams telling you?

How are you connecting with others or yourself in dreams?