Porn Addiction, Soul Connections, and Forgiveness

Piergiorgio Branzi, Napoli, 1953

In my effort to see the good and potential in people, I sometimes forget about the darkness that lurks in the shadows.

I listened to a tarot reading recently and it triggered memories of a recurring theme in my dreams. All it took was the mention of "addiction" combined with the word "porn". 

I started piecing together various dreams along with signs and syncs I had gotten. A picture emerged of someone I am connected to on a soul level having a pretty fucked up porn addiction. It is the reason for the big hold up in moving forward with the mission we are supposed to work on together as a team.

There will be people who say you don't need anyone to move forward with your mission, but I am here to tell you that is lemonade made out of bullshit and no matter how much you stir it and add sugar, it still is false bullshit that you probably shouldn't drink. We are in a virtual reality playing a game. As with many video games, there are sections set up where the task can only be completed as a team with two or more players. Maybe you all have to step on buttons to open a door or one pulls a lever that lifts the other up. That is where I am at in my game. I have to work with my partner to complete and he is neck deep in a fucked up porn addiction, too scared to move forward with me.

What he didn't count on was taking me along by dragging me behind his horse through mud, rocks, brambles and shit. His internal shit affects my dreams. When he gets turned on by violent sex, I see it in my dreams and often wake up referring to them as nightmares. I usually start my journal with "I had a very disturbing dream". In fact, I often don't write many of those dreams down because I don't want to remember. I just had a recent one where I was trapped on an island and I was a young girl being sex trafficked. I was being sold as a virgin for the pleasure of some guy. The dream was so upsetting...me trying to get away from this place.

Art by Natasa Ilincic

I have tried hard to put my swords away. I have tried to grow and soften and calm my inner Kali Ma who cuts heads off and asks questions later, but I felt her rise and I wanted to slash. I raged about it for a little while but then asked myself, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

Fuck.

Dear Soul Partner,

How can I help you? How can I help love this shadow that haunts my dreams and keeps you from real intimacy and connection? How can I love this darkness inside you that I abhor and feel disgusted and repulsed by? How can I help you so that we can both move forward?

I stood in my kitchen and thought, "I have to love this part of him and help him understand the symbolism so he can let it go and love himself too."

Ask yourself what it is you are lacking and trying to integrate into self through inappropriate means. What are you reenacting from past lives? 

People who rape don't rape because of the sex. They rape for the sense of control, the same reason that people become anorexic and bulimic. It is about having a sense of control over your own life in some small form. Maybe watching the violence against another person in a sex act gets you off in a way nothing else can. Perhaps it is because you keep your emotions so bottled up and hidden that it comes out as being turned on by an inappropriate violent sexual expression.

"Take that, motherfucker!" 

Sex with children is an inappropriate outer act of desiring a relationship with your own inner child.

Maybe the first steps in healing is deciding to have a better relationship with self. 

Know thy self. 

Become authentic in all that you do and honor yourself by expressing your feelings in a constructive way regularly. Be willing to risk displeasing someone in order to be true and honest to yourself. You will feel so much better when you do. Find your voice that you traded in order to keep the peace and keep your career on track. Trust that you can speak your truth and everything can still be okay...even when it seems to fall apart.

Make no mistake, many people will fall away from you on the journey back to self, but they are only people that NEED to fall away. Allow them to fall away as you come into embodying who you were always meant to be.

As you grow, expand and speak out your real feelings, you will find the addictions and compulsions will gradually dissipate. They are the bags you will forget and leave behind in the airport because you no longer need to compensate to get some sort of release from what builds up inside you from what you don't express in the moment. 

I felt my anger and let it pass through me. I didn't hold onto it. In doing so, I came out to a place of wanting to understand and help you. I came to a place of wanting to take your hand and love you through it all until you love the person inside as much as I do. 

I see you.

I see your potential. I know your pain and burden that weighs you down because I feel it too. You don't have to do it all alone, my love. Make a choice to let me all the way in. Pick up the phone and call me. Let me be part of your life fully and openly.

I love all of you, not just the parts that are easy to love. It is our shadows that need our love and understanding the most.

I love you completely and unconditionally.

I lava you. 💜