Searching

Photo by sifjar_

I spent many hours over the past couple days trying to find a dream I remember but wanted to see the details. I made it all the way back to 2018. I scrolled and scrolled through the body of work I had developed and almost all of it was for you... you who can't be bothered to reciprocate except through false personas. With each poem and words of encouragement I scrolled past, I got more and more irritated that, here we are 4 years later, and we are no closer to an actual and real connection where we talk and laugh together regularly. 

I've never met the real you and it seems you don't care or respect me enough to actually show up for me. 

My irritation has transferred into physical pain.

That was fast.

The center of my back hurts, rather like I have been stabbed in the back, and the pain radiates through both arms and into my hands. 

Yeah, I know, it's not good, but whatever.

They keep asking me to reassure you, but what about me? What about what I need? You have given nothing of your actual self...just the puppets on your hands.

I deserve more.

Blind Justice by Oliver Krisch

The dream I was looking for had to do with someone I identify as Guy Clow and he is bringing in a guy to meet me who is wearing round glasses. He is very enthusiastic about me and excited to get to know me. There is a woman with me but she seems unable to speak, so she writes down on a piece of paper "Jonathan is who I love". I had some understanding that she was a part of me who prefers Jonathan but we were being presented with a different option with someone who would reciprocate and take swift action towards me. Part of me (Jennifer) didn't want the new option.

I've been screwed by this whole thing and Jennifer can fuck off to the basement. She lost her ride, so she needs to shut up, sit back and let me have a happy life with someone who thinks I'm worth making an effort for.