Musings From My Journey: Good Will Hunting

As I am getting ready to move towards a different life, I have been making some pretty big changes.

I keep telling my daughter, "You can't expect a totally new life if you are taking an old version of you into it." I have been asking her to think of little ways she can change, now, before we head back to where I grew up. I have been encouraging her to complain less and change her thoughts to gratitude as though what she wants already exists. I explained that we create more of what we focus on, so if we are focusing on the lack or issue, lack and issues is what we will draw to us.

I have encouraged my daughter to create new helpful habits, right now, so that we aren't bringing old bad habits with us. I suggested that she make little adjustments like eating less sugar and more fresh fruit and vegetables, cleaning up after herself and learning to comfortably spend time on her own so she can learn to love her own company.

I do try to practice what I preach.

I have made some huge internal changes where I am releasing self-destructive and self-harming thoughts. I am working hard to rewrite the internal script. Wishing I was dead had become a habit. It was my go-to internal narrative when I was in a lot of pain or sadness or stress.

The thing is, thoughts are things and they create our reality. My guides showed it to me in a dream as these beings that were created who had a self-destructive mechanism. When they were triggered, they would explode and take out whatever was around them. I saw this as our thoughts creating these cells within our bodies that create illness. It could be cancer, autoimmune disorders and a whole array of illnesses that are "self-harming". My lingering self-destructive thoughts that would kick in on autopilot were keeping me in pain and suffering.

On April 16, I made a declaration to break up with those self-harming, self-destructive thoughts and the outer representation of them. I was tested during that time when it seemed like all of my plans were going to fall through. I slipped once when I saw myself put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I immediately caught myself, I apologized to my body, renounced the images and reimagined it with flowers coming out of the barrel and smelling them. I worked hard in those moments not to fall into a deep despair. I did cry, quite a lot, but I also changed my thoughts to gratitude and support in those moments.

The truth is, I don't like it when my pendulum swings. I prefer to be balanced, so finding a way to express my feelings without falling into darkness was a huge step for me. It felt like a huge test and I am happy to say, it feels like I passed it. It is a huge turning point for me.

Since I have been shifting my inner dialogue, I have noticed that I am in less pain. I believe fully that I will be completely pain free before long as I replace the self-destructive cells (thoughts) within my body with healthy self-loving, self-nurturing ones.

I have ended my life long coffee addiction. This time I think it will be for good because I am working to "lighten up" and bring sweetness into my life. Instead I have been drinking cranberry juice with honey and chia seeds. I'm starting to make healthier choices for my body, so the coffee had to go so I could leave that old version of me behind.

I was discussing with a friend how the last time I quit coffee, it was excruciating. I suffered with withdrawal symptoms for three days. This time I did it differently and I suffered very little. A mild headache and that was it. I was shocked at my own will power to make some of these recent changes where, in the past, it had been a real challenge. As I discussed some of these changes, I remembered a dream about a teenage boy named Will going to a shop to buy socks. I stated to my friend that maybe what the boy in the dream represents is my "Will" power. I considered that maybe he wasn't fully grown because he was a part of me that had to be reborn and was still developing, but it was his presence that has made it easier for me to make some big changes.

This is that dream:

September 14, 2020 I dreamed about Keanu all night. It was strange because we kept jumping through time. There was a version of him which jumped with me to a specific timeline and then there was a version of him that seemed to leave half of his brain behind. I heard the word "meathead" to describe that one and then there was the younger version of him that already existed in that timeline. The one who jumped with me had trouble landing where he intended near me but finally got there.
Somehow I ran into the younger version of him and then all three and I heard "All three want to he with you." I started to rouse and tried to process what that means but fell back to sleep.
Again, I seem to be energetically jumping and at one jump I accidentally broke a mirror. I remember a scene where I saw Amber with my daughter and observing how much that seem to have bonded as though she were her mother and not me.
There was a bit about a teenage boy with dark hair going into a store to buy some socks. He is hoping the clerk doesn't ask him where he got the money from. The boy is asking if they had another item but I can't remember what. The clerk said to him, "Will, this store exists only for you." That is when I noticed they only sold men's/boys items and guessed that the store literally only existed for his benefit.

The first part of the dream makes me think of how different people know different versions of us. They hold a reflection inside of them of us. So if I was the character that they all wanted to be with, I would be Keanu himself and the different versions of him who wanted to be with me represents different people and which version of me they are reflecting back to me. There was the person who knew me when I was younger, the person who knew my "meathead" version and the person who knew me as I truly am now.

Of course, this dream takes on more meaning to me, now, as I get ready to go back to the city and state I grew up in. I dread running into people who know a previous version of me because I know that is all they can see me as...who they remember and not who I currently am. That was why I left in the first place. This version of me is very different from the one who fled the Midwest all those years ago.

With Will as my co-driver, I am facing a lot of fears by going back and trusting that everything is going to be okay.... better than okay... magical, even. I will continue to grow and learn wherever I land, but now I will be living in a bright, lighter, happier version of me.