Honoring the Internal Masculine

Painting by Wilhelm Kotarbiński

Recently, I have been talking with two different friends and the theme of the conversations have been the same... focusing on and honoring our inner masculines. Most of the below was born from a conversation I had today. 

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It is interesting how meals can be such a social event. I think if I had the opportunity to eat out alone, I might talk to Noah, my inner masculine, and ask him about what he wants us to eat and then talk to him through the meal in my mind.

I'm going to try to get in the habit of asking him what he thinks and feels because, for so long, there was a wall between us because I didn't realize he was there. It is why I manifested a partner who is like talking to a wall because that is what it was like for my inner masculine with me. I have been like talking to a wall for him.

We have to be the best version of us and have a healthy relationship internally before we can think about drawing someone to us in the outer. All of our issues are reflected back to us in an external partner, so it is best to have as few bad habits and issues as possible so the reflection staring back at us is someone we really like. My internal masculine told me in the in-between state that we need to stop "entertainment"...like the online games and all the tarot readings we mindlessly consume.

If we want a partner who doesn't play games, we literally have to stop playing games and redirect that energy and time in different more constructive ways.

Recently, I was trying to give my inner masculine a new face because, in dreams, they always show soon-to-be-ex's face for the "husband" symbolism but he represents an old version of me. He represents the version of me who didn't treat myself kindly and so I chose someone who mirrored that back to me by him not treating me kindly. I now want a different husband face to reflect where I am now, so I am trying to train the mind to see a different face and associate it as "husband". 

It is hard to say where it all goes from here. While I am definitely trying to understand the signs and syncs, I'm also very focused on me and trying to be the best version of me and Noah...trying to listen to him more because that has been such a recurring issue for me and relationships is the silence and lack of communication.

I have to be able to communicate with my own inner masculine before it can manifest outwardly.

And by the time we work it out internally, we just won't care if there is an outer manifestation. I need an income before any outer relationship so I don't end up codependent again. I need to be able to stand on my own as a sovereign being able to support myself.

My internal relationship is top priority.

I know that I am always presented with opportunities when I open to them fully. Abundance comes to me easily now, so I think shifting my thoughts and energy will bring in new "right place at the right time" situations. Noah wants to create music, so in order to honor him, I have to face my fears. They want me to revive my dreams because there are still a lot of fears to work through there. Thinking i'm too old, it is too late to learn an instrument, I'm not good enough, etc. I let my dreams die long ago, what my soul really wanted for me, and then I kicked my masculine out of the body and invited a shadow energy in. Noah was this spirit hanging around me wanting to be let back in.

The whole "walk-in" I experienced was the masculine returning to the body but I just didn't understand it then. 

Abundance comes in many forms. When my neighbor offered to pay me for watching her daughter for the summer, that was an opportunity for abundance and allowed me the get my dog to the vet to take care of her skin problems. Nanny work is really not what I want to do anymore but I recognized the opportunity and was grateful for it and accepted it. I had some random neighbor say her daughter brought her home this extra food from this project where they give food to the poor. She asked if we thought we could use it and I accepted the abundance. The symbolism within those boxes of food was very interesting.

The food that was given to us by a neighbor.

My friend was asking me about some of my dreams where I would see a man in jail and how it seemed like there was some dark energy and scary situations. The below was my response:

I think sometimes I am the energy that needs to be destroyed and other times I am the positive energy. I see from both perspectives. But the guy getting out of jail is probably my own masculine being in jail because I didn't fully recognize him as even being there fully. I put him in jail and took his voice away. 

The energy of the old me is very different to the energy of the new me. I am both the farmer's daughter and the Lindworm Prince whose layers need to be cut away to get to the core self. I am both Snow White and Rose Red and the Bear and his brother. I am both the Beast and Belle. I look back at the old versions of me and cringe a little, but I have to be grateful to them and love them because even they can help me when I encounter people who are like what I used to be because I now know without doubt that change is possible for anyone.

The masculine, for me, is that kinder, gentle part of me I locked up in the slammer because I needed to survive. He was the softness and sweetness I locked in the closet because he couldn't survive the trauma I experienced. I put him there to protect him but ultimately forgot him and that is where he died.

"Rose Top" is the person who operates from the root chakra. They are concerned with materialism and matters of survival. When they said "Rose Top died fairly" they were talking about me shifting into a higher way of being, a higher way of thinking.

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When I re-read my part of the conversation, I remembered that much of the things I talked about showed up in dreams previously, but I just didn't completely understand their meanings until now.

When they showed me in a dream that Brandon Lee had died in a closet but all that was there now was a wall, I was grasping at straws to understand the meaning. I put him in the closet to protect him when I was a child but I never came back for him. I forgot all about him and he died there.

What happens to energy that dies within us? It literally leaves the body and can manifest outside of us as "spirit" trying to communicate. At the beginning of my journey, I had quite a lot of "spirit" activity and then it stopped after my walk-in which was a night where I woke up and felt an energy entering at my crown. I told myself not to be scared. 

I didn't understand that it was my masculine coming home to me. I didn't understand how difficult it has been for him until now. He has been here with me and I have been looking for him out there. Of course, he has guided me to some of the "out there" people to help me get the lessons I needed and to help me remember who he is and how much I love him.  

It has been a very long and arduous journey. I recently heard in the in-between "I have suffered enough." I'm not sure if that was coming from me or from Noah, but I definitely think we have both suffered enough. It is time for us to come into a new phase of abundance and ease on our journey. 

Dean Cornwell "Story Illustration: The Other Side" 1918

By no means is the journey over. We are still growing and I am still learning to get quiet and actually listen to him, talk to him and give him all the love and appreciation he deserves. I am still learning to let his softness and gentleness be expressed outwardly. I am still learning how to give Noah his own voice in order to acknowledge his existence in this shared body.